tonight, stephen welcomes mark ruffalo. chris matthews. gilbert gottfried. and thundercat, sitting in with jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how are you? hey, chris! what's going on? that's right, that's right. what's going on, you all. please, have a seat, you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, happy halloween. ( cheers and applause ) everybody's in the spirit. the white house eve decorated. pretty spooky. even spookier was this picture melania tweeted of her view from the inside. ( laughter ) they actually make it look that way all year long so she doesn't try to escape. ( laughter ) this year, i decided to dress up, my costume. i'm a late-night talk show host. we're like vampires: we only come out after dark, and we're extremely pale. of course, it's a scary time for donald trump. i believe it was michael jackson who said ♪ no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike 'cause this is mueller mueller night ♪ ( cheers and applause ) now, ghouls and goblins, join me for tonight's twisted tale of terror, "the fall of the house of trumper." our story so far: yesterday, special prosecutor robert mueller indicted trump campaign chairman and maitre d' at a gangster-themed pizzeria, paul manafort, on 12 charges, including "conspiracy against the united states," which i believe is a legal term meaning "getting trump elected." ( laughter ) now, manafortee indictment-- if i'm not mistaken, manafort's indictment was expected and trump's thumbs were standing guard on castle tweet-more: "the fake news is working overtime. as paul manafort's lawyer said, there was 'no collusion' and events mentioned took place long before he dot, dot, dot. dot, dot, dot, dot, came to the campaign." ( laughter ) ironclad defense. ironclad defense. "don't blame me. i happen to know he was a criminal before i hired him." ( cheers and applause ) now, notice-- very interesting, very interesting notice. you notice his no-collusion witness is manafort's lawyer? "o.j. did not do it. johnnie cochran swore to me on a stack of bloody gloves. honestly, i think hillary is the real killer. okay, they saw this one coming, manafort, but what nobody saw coming was that mueller got a guilty plea from trump campaign foreign policy adviser and limo driver that won't stop asking you if "you party," george papadopoulos. and here's the thing: papadopoulos was secretly arrested by mueller months ago, and since then, has turned state's evidence, working for mueller as a roactive cooperator." yes, "proactive cooperator." that sounds like a fancy name for a cheap date. but what does it mean, jeffrey toobin? >> what this says to me is that papadopoulos, between july and october, was wearing a wire. >> stephen: ooh, papadopo-licious. ( laughter ) needless to say, the white house folks were caught with their pants... crapped. ( laughter ) as one senior republican put it, "the walls are closing in," and "everyone is freaking out." oh, are they? do they wake up every morning feeling overwhelming dread that something terrible is happening in our country that they have no control over? i have no idea how that feels... if i drink enough. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the club! but this morning, donald trump rummaged through the "take a lie, leave a lie" tray and came up with this: "few people knew the young, low level volunteer named george, who has already proven to be a liar. check the dems!" we did check with the dems. they feel pretty good about this. but nice of you to ask. ( laughter ) and you're right, he did lie-- to the f.b.i., to protect you, which is why he was arrested. ( laughter ) now, according to trump, george is just some random young person he's barely heard of, like tiffany. ( laughter ) >> jon: ooo"h"! >> stephen: really? really? >> jon: oooh! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, if that's true, sir, then how come you said this when you were asked who your foreign policy advisors were: >> stephen: "excellent guy. horrible conspirator. but as a person, just the tops." mr. president, if you still can't remember him, here he is with you at a meeting so pale, that greek is the diversity hire. ( laughter ) , of course, yesterday-- yesterday? is this yesterday? white house spokesperson and angry woman behind you at target, sarah huckabee sanders, tried to explain that picture away. >> this individual was the member of a volunteer advisory counsel that met one time over the course of a year. he was a volunteer on, again, a counsel that met once, that met one time. i'm telling you that he was a volunteer member of an advisory counsel that literally met one time. >> stephen: and i'm telling you, that literally doesn't matter. did you not go to health class? collusion is like pregnancy: it only takes the one time, girl. protect yourself. ( cheers and applause ) it's true! you gotta double bag. double bag your career. so nobody knew this low-level campaign worker except trump, who made him a foreign policy advisor. it makes sense-- he named his garden gnome attorney general ( laughter ) except-- except-- answer my riddles three. that's not party gnome. i'm not sure what that reference is, but i liked it. except they did know him because papadopoulos was emailing about russia with top trump staff, including paul manafort, former campaign manager corey lewandowski, and trump national campaign co-chairman and colonel sanders getting "high on his own supply," sam clovis. ( laughter ) now, when papadopoulos wrote to ask clovis about going to russia to collude, clovis replied. "i would encourage you... to make the trip, if it is feasible." well, that's nice. betray your country, but only if it's no bother-- you know, like, "on your way home, could you pick up some bread, some eggs, and half a gallon of treason?" now, this email from clovis sounds damning, but clovis' lawyer explains that his client is a "polite gentleman from iowa" who "would always have been courteous to a person offering to help the campaign." "why, shucks, you've gone to all this trouble. it would be rude not to engage in an international conspiracy to undermine our democracy." go on. so things are looking bad for the white house, and they can't wriggle their way out of this one. it's as if-- it's as if all of their lies have suddenly come back to entangle the white house in some sticky mesh of interwoven threads. what's the metaphor i'm looking for? yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i gotta say-- >> jon: i like that. >> stephen: this could be-- for trump, it could be the spookiest halloween ever, because i'm pretty sure mueller is ready to drop off a few more flaming bags of poop. we have a great show for you tonight! mark ruffalo is here. hulk! but when we return, a special salute to general john kelly. stick around. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. ...just go to bed." aveeno® positively radiant® overnight facial. get the benefits of a spa facial... ...overnight. aveeno®. 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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >give it up for the band right there, jon batiste and stay human. and let me tell you, folks, jon, we've got a lot more-- we've knot a lot more show tonight, but jon would you please introduce to the people out there and the people at home the talented young man with the band tonight. >> jon: we have thundercat with the band! >> hey, steve. >> stephen: always good to see you. your critically acclaimed album, "drunk," came out earlier this year. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me, seriously. wonderful, wondful. i'd like to be in a glass of bourbon right now. speaking of things that are on television, like our show right now, last night, white house chief of staff and doctor who sees something he doesn't like on your x-ray, john kelly, was over on the fox news and offered his opinion about all the confederate stat use being taken down. >> i think we make a mistake, though, as a society, and certainly as individuals, when we take what is today accepted as right and wrong and go back 100, 200, 300 years or more. it's inconceivable to me that you would take what we think now and apply it back then. >> stephen: nope, sorry, lot of people thought slavery was wrong back then, for example-- i'm going to go out a limb here-- black people. in 1850, the united states had 3.2 million slaves. i think their yelp review would have been pretty bad: but kelly's historical scholarship didn't stop there. he also had an interesting take on the root causes of the civil war. >> the lack of an ability to compromise led to the civil war. >> stephen: and, of course, we all remember john wilkes booth's famous cry as he shot lincoln, "can't we at least talk about this?" what do you mean "there was a lack of compromise"? the civil war happened because of compromise-- the missouri compromise, the three-fifths compromise. you're a general, and you don't know why the civil war happened? what do you think caused world war ii, a zoning issue? ( laughter ) "i vant to build a strip mall in the sudetenlands." maybe some mixed use housing in poland. what's so wrong with that?" maybe, maybe i'm being unfai ( laughter ) and maybe a lack of compromise really was at the heart of the civil war. i mean, take this letter from confederate soldier buford nathaniel jessup to his wife. "my dearest elizabeth, i regret to say that the tide has turned against us here at antietam. the union army steadfastly refuses compromise. we keep saying, 'maybe we can just have slaves, like, monday wednesday, friday?' and they're all like, 'naw.' and it's like, 'okay, what about every other weekend?' but they won't give us any slaves. they're being total nazis abou ( laughter ) this, which is weird because nazis aren't even a thing yet. well, i've just been bayoneted by my brother, got to go. or maybe-- true story-- kelly knows better and is just being willfully ignorant, because as the chief of staff, he's now forced to defend the positions of an idiot. but we can not judge john kelly by today's standards. he said it yesterday. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with mark ruffalo. ♪ show you the way parsley. cilantro. spinach. basil. toothpicks? campbell's slow kettle chef crafted soups. mm can i get some more spinach? made for real, real life. hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. try cool mint zantac. no pill relieves heartburn faster. depend real fit briefs feature breathable, cotton-like fabric. in situations like this, there's no time for distractions. it's not enough to think i'm ready. i need to know i'm ready. no matter what lies ahead. get a free sample at depend.com. (engine roaring) ( ♪ ) ♪ i ♪ i will be king ♪ and you... drink, sir? ♪ you will be... no, thanks. (engine revving) i'm still driving. ♪ ...will drive them away ♪ ♪ we can be heroes... and i am a senior public safety my namspecialist for pg&e. my job is to help educate our first responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies. everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. i live right here in auburn, i absolutely love this community. once i moved here i didn't want to live anywhere else. i love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other people's lives. therwe're building a better california. i love that people in this community are willing to come ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, ladies and gentlemen. welcome back to the show. folks, youu know my next guest from "foxcatcher" and "spotlight." he's now returning as the incredible hulk in "thor: ragnarok." >> where have you been? everybody thought you were dead! so much has happened since i last saw you. i lost my hammer, like, yesterday, so that's still pretty fresh. loki, loki is alive. you can believe it? he's up there. loki, look who it is! ( laughter ) >> stephen: please give a big hulk smash to mark ruffalo. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> that's beautiful! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> wow! wow, what a crowd. >> stephen: very few of my guests allow me to pet their face. you're very-- you're very loving and giving. >> we go way back. >> stephen: we really do, 2015-- you came on the old show, to. >> 2008. fracking. >> stephen: we talked about fracking back then. >> we banned it. >> stephen: did we ban it? >> we banned it in new york state, scotland, ireland. we're doing an international tour. is this yours? can i have some of this? >> stephen: welcome back. the last time you were on this show talking to me november of 2015! >> it was a long time ago. >> stephen: good lord. >> too long. >> stephen: it's a different world. it really is. it really is. >> a lot's happened since then. >> stephen: it sure has. >> i used to be able to sleep back then. ( laughter ) remember sleep?