Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much hey, whats going on my friends . Welcome to the late show everybody, im your host, Stephen Colbert. I am feeling blessed tonight, thanks to one man White House Communications director and guy ordering a martini at the bowling alley, anthony scaramucci. The mooch the mooch i was worried when sean spicer left, that the Communications Office of the white house would lose some flavah. Little did i know that he was going to be replaced by a guy who serves up very spicy quotes. We played this last night, but i just want seconds. What i dont like about washington is, people do not let you know how they feel. Theyre very nice to your face, and then they take a shiv or a machete and they stab it in your back. I dont like it. Im a wall street guy, and im more of a front stabbing person. Stephen yeah, he would never stab someone in the book. Book mountain thats rude. A gentleman stabs somebody from the front so you can watch the life drain out of their eyes. Keep em open, keep em open. Trump hired scaramucci to get rid of the white house leakers. But dont call him a hitman. Hes just a guy who was contracted to whack squealers by a powerful don. And the latest leak that has the moochs fusilli in a twist occurred yesterday when poco published scaramuccis Financial Disclosure form revealing that he has assets worth as much as 85 million. How humiliating. Yeah. Now everyone knows hes the poorest person working at the white house. cheering and applause now as much thats got to hurt. As much as ive enjoyed what scaramucci said one week on his job, we got an incredible taste of unfiltered mooch today, when new yorker reporter ryan lizza published details of a conversation he had with scaramucci last night. Im going to read you some of the quotes, but be warned, if you are put off by foul language, the mooch thinks you should mooch yourself in the head. I want to give a quick warning to the cbs censors you guys are going to have to break out the emergency extra bleeps for this one. But its not my fault. Im just communicating to you the actual words of the Communications Director of the white house. The one in washington okay, heres how it started lizza reported yesterday about trumps dinner with scaramucci, sean hannity and some other guys. The mooch called up lizza to try to get the name of who leaked about the dinner, but lizza protected his source. So the mooch said, okay, im going to fire every one of them, and then you havent protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. Mooch, you do realize that hes still not going to give you the names, and if you do fire everybody, you have to replace everybody with people who now know theyre working for a guy who would just fire everybody . The mooch was pretty sure he knew who the leaker was chief of staff Reince Priebus, who he described as a bleep paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac. Yes, the guys paranoid, okay . He thinks his own Communications Director is trying to stab him in the back. And again, front stab front stab hold still, hold still cheers and applause keep em open, i want to see then the mooch did the best priebus impression. Lizza writes, he channeled priebus as he spoke. Let me leak the bleep thing and see if i can bleep block these people the way i bleep blocked scaramucci for six months. Oh please, mooch, i dont think anybody could block you from being a bleep . cheering and applause and his words, not mine we love you. Stephen and the mooch was feeling a little hurt about how people have been treating him at his new job. Quote ive asked people not to leak things for a period of time and give me a honeymoon period. They wont do it. Hey everyone, im anthony scaramucci, im a frontstabber, im here to fire everyone, now be nice to me. Okay, be a little bit nice to me, okay . Im somebodys little boy applause and the mooch says he was doing this for all the right reasons. Im not trying to build my own brand off the bleep strength of the president. Im here to serve the country. And added, im not steve bannon, im not trying to suck my own bleep . audience screams jon wooo applause stephen look, if bannon could do that, he would never leave the white house. Though i got to say, we never see him ever anymore. Good for you, steve but all good badabings must come to an end, because scaramucci signed off by saying of priebus, yeah, let me go, though, because ive got to start tweeting some bleep to make this guy crazy. Adding, can we make this off the record . No . Okay. Mooch out. laughter hey, ho so immediately after that he gets off the phone i got to tweet some stuff to make this guy crazy. Then scaramucci tweeted in light of the leak of my Financial Disclosure info which is a felony i will be contacting fbi and the thejusticedepartment. Swamp, reince45. Hang on hang on he just tagged reince45 . That means either the mooch just publicly accused white house chief of staff Reince Priebus of a felony, or there are 44 other reinces on twitter. I find that hard to believe. Yes cheering and applause jon number 45, number 45. Stephen but hold on a second, a felony . Your Financial Disclosure forms are publicly Available Upon request. Thats the disclose part of disclosure. Youre thinking of financial ixnay on the oneymay forms. How do you not know that . You went to harvard law school. What did you study there . A vhs copy of my cousin vinny . Hey, hey, what . Hey, hey scaramucci woke up with a raging moochover today, because this morning he called in to cnn with lizza on the other line. When i was on a plane to new york, i had to visit my mom. I was teasing you and it was sarcastic. It was one italian to another. Stephen it was one italian to another, i was visiting my mom. You know . Give me the leakers and maybe you never see your mom. I forget, does she have a front . But while he was there anyway, scaramucci was willing to talk on one condition. I just spent about 15 minutes on the phone talking with the president of the United States who has given me his full support and his full blessing, and im going to read you something, chris. Bear with me. The president also told me, if youre nice to me in this segment, hell let me come back on the show. Is that cool . Stephen yeah, chris, is that cool . You play nice, i play nice. You got a nice show there. Hate to see something happen to it. And the mooch let the leakers know, hes on to them. Ive interviewed most of the assistants to the president. Ive interviewed most of the people in the Communications Team and the white house. What the president and i would like to tell everybody, we have a very, very good idea of who the leakers are, who the senior leakers are in the white house. Stephen ive also done some research on whos sharing information damaging to the white house and weve been able to put together this composite police sketch. If you see this man, approach with caution. Approach with caution. Then the mooch reminded us how dangerous these leakers really are. The president of the United States, again, whether you guys like the guy, dislike the guy, hes the smartest person ive ever worked for. There are people inside the administration that think it is their job to save america from this president. Okay, that is not their job. Stephen hes right. Thats not their job. That is the job of robert mueller. cheers and applause i think thats his job, im not sure. Well find out. Well find out. Then, the mooch stressed how bad these leakers are the White House Leaks are small potatoes, relative with things going on about leaking things about syria or north korea or leaking things about iraq. Those are the sorts of leaks that are so treasonous, that 150 years ago, people would actually have been hung for those types of leaks. Stephen absolutely. 150 years ago, if people were leaking things on the internet, they would have been hung for witchcraft. No one would put up with that, no. His message is subtle but the mooch doesnt like leaks and he knows whos ultimately responsible its absolutely, completely and totally reprehensible. As you know from the italian expression, the fish stinks from the head down. But i can tell you two fish that dont stink, okay . And thats me and the president. Stephen okay, lets stop right there. Ive heard the stinks thing. Im trying to figure this thing out. Heres the fish. If it stinks from the head down, and the fish is the white house, isnt donald trump the head of the fish . But then youre saying that you and trump are different fish, who work at the fish . I dont understand this metaphor. I think you might be fished in the head. Yeah, thats going on us. Now, lets get back to Reince Priebus. Scaramucci says, despite their differences, he and reince are close. If you want to talk about the chief of staff, we have had odds. We have had differences. When i said we were brothers from the podium, thats because were rough on each other. Some brothers are like cain and abel. Other brothers can fight with each other and get along. I dont know if this is repairable or not. Stephen yeah, who knows . Some brothers are like cain and abel, some are like mario and luigi. Okay . Who knows what will happen. Will we go down a pipe to save the princess, or will i bash his head in with a rock and then lie to god about it . Who knows. Am i my priebuss keeper . cheers and applause am i my priebuss keeper . Who knows, who knows . The question is Reince Priebus, why are you sticking around and taking this abuse . Just leave, and enjoy the easy life on spicer island. laughter and the mooch isnt just handling the leaking. Yesterday, he met with bbcs senior driveway correspondent to explain just how difficult it is to pass a healthcare bill. Im wondering whether the president feels hes been front stabbed by some of the senators who voted down that repeal of obamacare. If youve read team of rivals, it took lincoln three or four times to get what he wanted from the senate and the house of representatives, which was the full abolition of slavery. Stephen yeah, it took three or four times plus a civil war, so well see what happens. By the way, that John Wilkes Booth . Total coward. I wouldve frontshot him. Hey, abe. Kaboom kaboom by scaramooch. Stab you with my gun stab you with my gun the mooch also made it clear that our multimillionaire real estate mogul president is no elitist. What part of donald trump is not elite . The business side, the politics side, the inheritance side . Away partly of donald trump, many people in the u. K. Dont understand that. Hes a celebrity. A billionaire. How about the oh my god, theres so many things about the president. How about the cheeseburgers, how about the pizzas that we eat . Everybody eats cheeseburgers and pizzas what are you talking about . No, no, no, no, no. See youre coming across a little bit elitist. Stephen okay, youre coming across a little bit elitist there, mary poppins. Supercalastabalicious Bippity Boppity stab weve got a great show for you tonight, stick around sam bee is here we dont just want to watch games cable gives us. We want all the teams, no matter where we live with directv nfl sunday ticket. We want falcons in new york. Jets in la. Bears in new orleans. Or buccaneers in a quaint, little new england bed and breakfast. Can you please pass the marmalade, charlie . I sure can, crazy pirate. Switch to directv and get every game, every sunday with nfl sunday ticket. Call 1800directv. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. New deep hydrating eye gel with hyaluronic acid born to outperform the 1. Prestige eye cream for better hydration. And your best look yet. Olay eyes collection. Ageless. Be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. Woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. Looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. Vo jacks got your back. Hits, jack somebody craving my smoky jack burger . Vo the smoky jack burger combo for 4. 99. Vo hickorysmoked bacon, smoked cheddar cheese, vo all on an artisan poppyseed bun. Vo plus fries and a refreshing drink. Vo all for just 4. 99. Man thanks, jack jack youre welcome. Vo the new smoky jack burger combo for just 4. 99. Vo only at jack in the box. Stephen hey everybody, welcome back. Jon batiste and his band stay human, right there. Folks ladies and gentlemen, youre in for a real treat. This is always a joy, when my guest is here tonight, because our first guest this evening was the longest serving correspondent of the daily show and now hosts full frontal with samantha bee. Please welcome sam bee cheers and applause cheers and applause as we discussed this before, in the intro, you were the longest serving correspondent for the daily show . I thought it was stephen i thought i was the longest serving correspondent for daily show. I was there for 12 years. Longest serving battle axe for john stewart. Stephen what is going on, sam bee . I was tired. Stephen flaming toboggan rides, there is an oak tree somewhere in the hill. And before crashing into the oak tree stephen its fun now but one of us is going to have to tell mom what happened to timmy. But while have you had a chance to look at the moochs latest mooching . Sure did. I love that hes referring to himself in the third person. Thats a good sign. Stephen always a good sign. Day six. So tomorrow dignity is ours stephen its really nice that were getting a really interesting cast of characters all the time. The casting couldnt be better. Stephen cast of characters. He follows me on twitter. He follows everyone here on twitter. He really is stephen 16,000 people on twitter. I was worried he wouldnt but stephen i was worried id been unmooched. Now do you ever think that things are going to get back to normal . No i dont. Thats my final answer. Stephen you dont think things will get back to normal . Thats my feeling, i would like to live again. Stephen you and your husband, you have a golden parachute, a maple parachute. You are citizens of canada and the United States we are in it to win it here stephen, were not joking around. We chose this place, and we intend to fix it cheering and applause so far, no ones listening to me so thats fine. My big plan hasnt panned out so far. Stephen but you still have your canadian citizenship. We do. Stephen but when cortez came here to the new world he burned his ships so his men didnt feel like they could leave at any moment. They had to conquer mezzo america. I realize thats not a good example. At any moment, i could jump into the arms of justin trudeau. I dont have to leap into his arms. He could hold me in a baby bjorn, that would be okay. Hes strong. Stephen now you have kids. I do. Stephen two. Three, we have three. Stephen three . We are prolific. We are building our own society. Stephen you are going into a zone defense against your kids. We have. Stephen how old are they . 11 and 11 and nine and six. I forgot. Stephen they have a sense what mom does . They have a sense. Stephen do they watch the show . They do not watch the show, its a dirty show. They dont think im cool. They have no interest in it whatsoever. Stephen are you sure they dont watch the show . They dont watch the show not because i dont want to impress them. They dont care, about me at all stephen do they keep up with the news like their mom . They do. Stephen how do they keep up with the craziness or this is just the world . They draw pictures of it. Stephen they do . They do. Stephen and they show the pictures to the counselors . Its like an impressive hand hovering. Stephen you do use salty language on your show. Dont talk like mommy . They do love salty language, that doesnt come from me. They just know it, they absorb it. I can get them do anything just by letting them use one piece of salty language in a conversation. Stephen thats their treat . Thats their treat. Its the greatest parenting coup i ever came up with. Im such a smart parent, check it out. They dont want treats. They dont want chocolate. They dont want anything like that. They dont care for cakes and other things normal children like, but they do like to swear. Ill be very cagey. Okay guys, i really want you to clean your rooms. You can have one swear. If you clean your rooms diligently, you can sit together with me and do one high quality swear. Stephen in the context of a sentence . You should to use your swear in a proper sentence and it has to make sense for swear. Stephen can you give me an example of a word you mites allow the children to say . Well bleep it. You will . Stephen for science. For psychology. Get really excited about it, okay, im ready to do my swear now, and im like, okay. Theyre like, bleep , you bleep the bleep dinner. cheers and applause im like, guys very good very solid. Stephen they were very good that day. You know well you did it correctly. Perfect. Stephen thats fantastic. Im going to try to work that out with cbs. Maybe theyll go with it. Stephen theyre telling me no. Weve got to take a little break. Well be right back with more samantha bee. All jeans are thirty percent off. No time to spare introducing the new moto z with moto mods. 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