Washington was a zombie, would we bash his skull . You really have to ask yourself, where does it stop. A tweet posted from a zombie dear leader, thank you for your honesty and courage to tell the truth about the the zombie apocklism. Its right here. Now, who wants to talk about infrastructure . Huh . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes. Ellie kemper. Andrew dice clay. And peter serafinowich. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you very much hey, everybody welcome. Thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Im so excited we have ellie kemper tonight. Because i believe she is the ray of sunshine we all need right now. Because its dark. Its getting a little dark out there. Its getting a storm. And whatever is coming down from those clouds, its brown for some reason. Im still recovering, personally. Im still recovering from president trumps kamikaze press conference yesterday, where donald let donald be donald, the consequences and our countries be damned. And it was truly one for the ages specifically, 1939 to 1945. Right . 36, 36 . Lets just remind ourselves of how we got here. Last saturday which i think was a year ago, Something Like that . Nazis and the k. K. K. Provoked violence in charlottesville, virginia. Thats what they wanted. Thats why they went there. After a nazi killed a young woman named heather heyer, donald trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on many sides, many sides. And people were upset other than nazis. Nazis liked it. laughter so, trumps chief of staff, john kelly, pressed trump to make another public statement. Grudgingly, mr. Trump agreed. Okay, ill say nazis are bad, but you cant make me mean it. Okay . I call okay. I call. cheers and applause fingers crossed. Fingers fingers crossed, okay. I call nazi backsies. laughter so on monday, donald trump went to the mic in the white house and read this racism is evil and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the k. K. K. , neonazis, White Supremacists and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as americans. Stephen there you go. Maybe not inspiring or heartfelt, but the right thing to say. And you know it was the right thing to say because he hated saying it. laughter evidently, donald trump fumed to aides about how unfairly he was being treated, and expressed sympathy with nonviolent protesters who he said were defending their heritage. so, yesterday afternoon, when he was supposed to be talking about highway infrastructure, donald trump drove americas moral leadership right through the guardrails by saying some of the people bearing torches with the nazis were just good joes. Not all of those people were neonazis, believe me. Not all of those people were White Supremacists, by any stretch. I dont know if you know, but they had a permit. The other group didnt have a permit. I think theres blame on both sides. I think theres blame on both sides. And i dont have any doubt about it, and you dont have any doubt about it, either. Stephen oh, mr. President , there is only one thing i no longer have any doubt about you showed us who you were. Everywhere, everywhere in this country applause everywhere in this country, people were horrified north, south, republican, democrat, top, bottom, sweet, sour. But you know who loved what donald trump said . Donald trump. Aides say trump was in a very good mood after the press conference, and felt liberated. Liberated. Free. Emancipated, if you will. Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, i am free at last. You like that . Melania wrote that. Shes very good. She did. applause now, trump may have been happy with his performance, but not everyone inside the white house felt the same. In fact, members of the president s staff were stunned and disheartened and said they never expected to hear opinions that the president had long expressed in private. Please, grandpa, you cant say this stuff out loud in the restaurant. laughter thats fishing boat talk, okay . Out of sight of land, and you can just speak your mind. Im sure your nurse took your watch, even though its on your wrist right now. In the wake of the furor trump caused by channeling the fuhrer, the white house was desperate to get republicans on board the flaming wreckage that was the s. S. Hindentanic by releasing talking points to congress, such as, leaders and the media in our country should join the president in trying to unite and heal our country rather than incite more division. What dont you cant put that on somebodys else. Thats the president s job. The pilot cant get on the intercom and say, attention, passengers, this is the captain speaking. Now is the time for people in first class and coach come to the cockpit and show me what all these little buttons, do, okay . Push this. Push that. Okay, hold on. But not every republican followed the talking points. Like Ohio Governor and confused dad in the produce aisle, john kasich. The president has to totally condemn this. And this is not about winning an argument. This is about the fact that now these folks are, apparently, going to go other places. And they think they had some sort of a victory. There is no moral equivalency between the k. K. K. , the neonazis, and anybody else. Stephen oh, hell, yes kasich 2020. That took balls. Would you be willing to be the guy who goes around to Republican Leaders and says, this is our moment. We will tell this president we no longer support him, period . Well, matt, look, hes our president , okay . Stephen im sorry. I meant i meant someone took his balls. I approximation. And kasich is not the only profile in thinking about courage. So far, the g. O. P. s actions have spoken way more flaccid than words. According to aides, despite House Democrats calls for hearings on the rise of white supremacy, the House Judiciary Committee has no immediate plans to schedule one. Yeah, they dont need to hold hearings. If they want to talk to White Supremacists, they can just call the white house switchboard. laughter hello . Hello . Yes, uhhuh . Whats that . Uhhuh. Uhhuh. Uhhuh. We tonight have no, we dont have any open klan members. White supremist is White Nationalist okay . Ill connect you through. , of course, thank you there was one group that really basked in the radioactive glow of the unshielded core of yesterdays trump dump. Former klan imperial wizard, longtime trump supporter, and man who looks better with the hood on, david duke, tweeted, thank you, president trump, for your honesty and courage to tell the truth about charlottesville and condemn the leftist terrorists. Wow david duke complimenting your courage. Thats like Jeffrey Dahmer complimenting your cooking. He means well, but its a little upsetting. Trump also garnered praise from White Nationalist adolf hipster, richard spencer. After trumps speech, spencer said he was really proud of him, tweeting, trumps statement was fair and down to earth. Yes, down to earth. Because at this point, its impossible for donald trump to sink any lower. Weve got a great show for you, ellie kemper is here. But when we come back, were going to have a lot of fun. Stick around. applause and as the day turns to night back to day, may your love for each other never be eclipsed. The perfect camera for a total Solar Eclipse wedding, galaxy s8. Made for summer. clapping and cheering get on up, mama. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. No, please, please, oh shrieks in terror heavy breathing and snorting no, no. The running of the bulldogs . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money aleia saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Vo jacks got your back. Hits, jack somebody craving my smoky jack burger . Vo the smoky jack burger combo for 4. 99. Vo hickorysmoked bacon, smoked cheddar cheese, vo all on an artisan poppyseed bun. Vo plus fries and a refreshing drink. Vo all for just 4. 99. Man thanks, jack jack youre welcome. Vo the new smoky jack burger combo for just 4. 99. Vo only at jack in the box. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Folks, you know, im kind of a bog person. And even when its not a full moon, im also a dog owner, which is why i love a segment we do on the late show called rescue dog rescue, where a celebrity guest and i help find actual rescue dogs a home by telling extremely flattering lies about the puppies. And im so proud to say this is absolutely true we have a perfect track record for finding homes for these dogs. Whos a good boy . I am. applause so what do you say, folks . Do you want to hear me lie about some puppies to get them adopted cheers and applause all right then its time for another rescue dog rescue stephen all right, ladies and gentlemen. Weve got an adorable batch of dogs back there, and here to help me out is a human puppy hug herself, ellie kemper, everybody give it up p hey, nice to see you. Always a pleasure to see you. Always a pleasure. Yay stephen well, ellie, thank you so much for joining us. You understand how this works . Heck, yeah, stephen lets eat some puppies applause stephen okay, that is definitely not how it works. All right, ill just follow your lead then. Stephen great a reminder to everybody out there all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Lets begin. Here we go with the puppies. Here we go. This is lilly. In addition to being fully housebroken, lilly is an olympic medalwinning high jumper. So you may be wondering, olympic medalist, why is she up for adoption . She only took home the bronze. Who do we have next, ellie. Here we go. This puppy here is lucky. You know those psychic animals that predict sports winners, like the octopus from germany who accurately called eight world cup games in a row . Amazing, right . Well, lucky ate that octopus. laughter . Stephen got to do something. Got to do something. Stephen next up, this is buckley. Buckley met tom selleck once and will not shut up about it. Hes fun at parties, but if of blue bloods comes on the tv, buckle up. Oh, id know this little gal anywhere. This is callie shes a rare swiss army dog. Her teeth can open bottles, her little fingernails are a complete screwdriver set, and there is a u. S. B. Charger in her butt laughter . Stephen comes in handy. Comes in handy. Oh, here we go this is chase. This is chase, everybody. Chase is part terrier mix, and due to a mishap at the nuclear plant, part mutant. Fair warning his super power is flight, so when you take him out to pee, bring an umbrella. All right burt, here, is the reincarnated soul of austro hungarian emperor, leopold i. Thats right. Leopold was known for his conflicts with the ottoman empire, but youll know burt for humping your ottoman laughter stephen all right, this guy is a little bit nervous. Everybody please say hello to titus. There you go. Fun fact about titus hes also a fully functioning cell phone. Hello . phone ringing hello . Im losing you. I dont have any bars. Hello . Ill call you on my landdog. Okay, oh, my goodness. This is uhoh. Am i the first person to drop a puppy . This is chloe. Chloe is extremely welltrained and never barks at squirrels unless those squirrels have ties to altright hate groups. laughter applause . cheers yup. Thats good. Chloe bites nazis. Dont you, girl . Stephen thats good. Thanks very much. Meet perry. Perry is a sweet little guy, very loving and playful. And good news when youre having sex, perry wont sit in the corner of the room and stare, okay. But he will hide in the hall and listen. And he will judge. laughter well, that does it for rescue dog rescue. Head to the late shows website, www. Colbertlateshow. Com, for info on how to adopt these dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Ellie kemper, everybody well be right back yay yay to turn your flicker into a flame youll need a spark. New emergenc Energy Natural caffeine from green tea to focus your mind. 7 b vitamins plus vitamin c to fortify you. Spark the energy within you every day. Emergenc energy . Emerge and see. Lets go reed lets go k [ clap clap ] lets go yellow lets go [ clap clap ] lets go rainbow lets go get ready, set, go back to school. Itsamericas 1 is a status earned in every wash. And one we reearn, everyday. 1 trusted. 1 awarded. Its got to be tide. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. Nice back there. Welcome back, everybody. My first guest is the emmynominated star of the emmynominated series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Come on, kimmy you know its okay to step on cracks. Just because something rhymes doesnt mean its true, because ive definitely smelt what i know tituss dealt. Like seeing every van i see is going to kidnap me. Get in the van, kimmy. Never miss smi. It is clobbering time. No missmi, f. B. I. We need your help. Oh, christmas. I am so sorry. Are you okay . I think she broke my back. I broke your mothers back . laughter stephen please welcome the awardworthy ellie kemper good to see you. Come on up hi that was so smooth stephen nice to have you back. Thank you for having me. Stephen nice to see you again. Such an honor to be here. Stephen now the last time you were here was right before the conventions last year in june, 2016. Yeah, it was its a whole new world and for you, too, because you were massively, like any moment pregnant at the time. I was three weeks away or Something Like that. Stephen yeah, yeah, and three weeks, youre as good as there. Absolutely, youre in the safe zone. And i did have the baby. Stephen im glad. Good for you. Good for the baby and your lovely husband, michael. Say hi. I will. Stephen boy or girl . Its a boy named james. Stephen thats nice, thats nice. Family name . Family name from both sides. Stephen same father, okay. So, what about last time you were here you were talking about because catholic, catholic. Were both catholic. Stephen and your lovely husband is jewish and you werent sure whether to raise the kids catholic. How is that going . Hes jewish and thats fine its going im kidding i shouldnt stephen no one says are you angling for a job in the Trump Administration right now . laughter okay. Im here tonight no. Yes, we were sort of figuring out how to raise james with what religion . Were going the catholic route. He did get baptized. He got baptized later on in may. He was 10 months old. Which i think is too big for the priest to be holding. Stephen its a little big. You have to go to a baby pool or a hot tub. Priests are not known for their grit, so i was worried he was going to drop him, but he didnt drop him. Stephen i bet there are priests out there saying i have plenty of grit. Im celibate. That takes grit. Thats true. Stephen that builds up the grit after a while. At 10 monthses he must have been scrambling around because theyre strong at 10 months. Theyre strong and theyre emotional and they have opinions. And, also, this is coupled with the fact that, like, i dont know if this happens to you probably not. I get very nervous around priests because i immediately feel like im guilty of something. Of, ive done something wrong. You know, its the same thing as policemen. I always feel guilty around a policeman. Stephen sure, when i look in my Rearview Mirror and see a priest behind me i go, what did i do . You immediately feel like a villain. Stephen one of my favorite things about papatism we have three kids and they were all baptized in the catholic church. Ski love the baptismal vows because there are things you say in the baptismal vows that you dont hear any other time in your catholic upbringing. My favorite s, do you rejet the glamour of evil. And you have to say, i do. The priest says, do you reject the glamour of evil . And youre like, mmm, evil, but whats the glamour stuff. I didnt know it was so shiny. Stephen isnt that the emmy awards. I love that. Stephen red carpet. My priest kind of threw it away as though i wouldnt catch it. Do you rediswrect the glamour of evil . And its something you have to say, yes, i do. You think afterwards its such an enormous thing theyre asking you to do. Stephen i think they throw it away because it seems slightly medieval or exorcismy. Do you reject satan, the prince of darkness . I always go, i do bring him here. I will fight him with my bare hands. Did the baby cry . Did james cry when he was baptized . Yes, he screamed. And the priest dunked him in the water you say thats good . Stephen if the baby doesnt cry, he didnt get the delve out. He did stephen good, if you ever go to a baptism and the baby doesnt cry, just go up to the mother and say, devil baby. I will. Stephen its true. Thats horrifying gru have to get the hate out. He definitely got the hate out. Stephen like a bad spirit. Oh, yeah, hes out. In fact, as soon as we got home from the baptism this is no joke an hour after the baptism i found james way shard of glass in his hand. It was at my parents house. Why was there glass on their floor . Stephen was there a party, a Baptism Party . No, theyre just wild people. Stephen so you found him with a shard of glass. I was watching him. He was miraculously unhurt. I dont know if he was testing god. I dont know what the point was. He turned out okay but i dont know if it was a sign wasnt supposed to do that. Stephen my eldest son peter, when he was pretty young, just being able to talk, he had one hand behind his back while i was trying to get his shoes on one morning and he said, dad, what do i have in my hand . And i said, buddy, we have to get going . And then i went, buddy, what do you have in your hand . And he pulled it out and it was a knife. Youre kidding me. Stephen i think he wanted me ask him so i would take it away from him because it was shiny and lovely and he knew he shouldnt have it. He was testing you. Stephen i think he didnt cry when we baptized him. I think he may be a devil baby. Unbreakable kimmy schmidt, nominated for an emmy. Youre an improviser, i kno