City, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing thank you very much how lovely of you all to be here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Now im going to say cheers and applause im going to Say Something i didnt think was possible anymore im shocked by something donald trump said. laughter i thought, by now, my soul had calcified into a crouton. laughter not true because today, the president of the United States tweeted, i heard poorly rated morning joe speaks. Badly of me. Dont watch anymore. laughter then, how come low i. Q. Crazy mika, along with psycho joe, came, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, to maralago three nights in a row around new years eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a facelift. I said no audience reacts where to begin . laughter its a buffet of bleep . laughter cheers and applause first of all a steam table, as it were. laughter first of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, and you say no . Sounds like your health care plan. laughter cheers and applause piano riff jon whoa stephen i mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of christmas. laughter only there wasnt a wise man in sight. This is shocking and vicious, so. Onbrand laughter and the reviews are in vulgar, crude, and a new low. No, its the same low. laughter were at a cruising altitude of marianas trench. laughter there are giant squid looking down at us right now. Of course, mika responded with her own tweet a picture of a cheerios box saying made for little hands. cheers and applause piano riff really, mika . Making fun of size of his hands . Im more worried about the size of his brain. laughter of course, this is shocking to everyone who isnt employed by donald trump. Republican senator ben sasse tweeted, please just stop. This isnt normal. And Lindsay Graham tweeted, mr. President , your tweet was beneath the office and represents what is wrong with american politics. Hold it right there, lindsay. This is not whats wrong with american politics. You dont see paul ryan throwing shade at Chuck Schumer for his eye job. laughter its whats wrong with american president. cheers and applause piano riff okay . applause lets stop pretending trump is a symptom of something. Hes the disease. cheers and applause and the only cure is three and a half years of liquor and bed rest. laughter of course, the first lady defended her husband via her spokesperson as the first lady has stated publicly in the past, when her husband gets attacked, he will punch back ten times harder. Yes, as the first lady says, when they go low, we go ten times lower. laughter applause so the focus on cyberbullying is going well. laughter we just didnt know it was going to be as a superfan. And you know who had the courage to agree with melanias spokesperson . The president s spokesperson when the president gets hit, hes going to hit back harder, which is what he did here today. He fights fire with fire. Stephen he fights everything with fire. laughter and first he soaks the country with gasoline. laughter and Huckabee Sanders explained the president had a very good reason to go after those mean meanies on the tv screen. The things that this show has called him, and not just him, but numerous members of his staff, including myself and many others, are very deeply personal. So to then turn and pretend like, you know, this approach, i guess, its kind of like were living in the Twilight Zone. Stephen ooh, i love the Twilight Zone which one is he again . Is this the one where the little boy with no morals has the power to kill . Because its definitely not the one where the guy just wants to be alone reading books. laughter oh, oh cheers and applause so scary. piano riff i have a personal question, is everyone here tonight in the country . Audience yes. Stephen good, because trumps travel ban took effect tonight. audience reacts i understand. Because the Supreme Court okayed partial implementation of the ban and will revisit the full ban when it hears oral arguments in october. Which will be followed by oral arguments with your family at thanksgiving. laughter the decision allows in travelers from the six affected countries if they have a bona fide relationship with a person or entity in the United States. Yes, it has to be a bona fide relationship with a foreigner, so that will exclude your imaginary canadian girlfriend and the totally hot guy you made out with in france. But a diplomatic cable obtained by the New York Times spelled out some bona fide relationships, including a parent, including parentinlaw, spouse, child, adult son or daughter, soninlaw, daughterinlaw, sibling, whether whole or half. This includes step relationships. No surprise soninlaws are allowed in. Trump is sending his to every country on earth. But the cable also defined what arent bona fide relationships, ruling out aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, brothersinlaws and sistersinlaw, fiancees and any other extended family members, even grandparents. audience reacts of course, grandparents are extremely suspicious. With their headscarves, and their neck scarves, and really just scarves all over theyre always cold. Xd and theyre constantly launching cyber attacks, by sending emailr with subjects like forward, forward, forward 20 hilarious ways your cat is better than a husband. laughter what else is going on in theco world . Oh, i know the Catholic Church this is hard for me because im catholic. I love my church and i go to church and, unfortunately, the Catholic Church is faced with a crisis. And i dont have to tell you what it is. Is Fidget Spinners laughter which the Catholic Church is freaking out about. Thats surprising. Youd think theyd support anything that keeps people awake during mass. cheers and applause the debate is lovely but it can feel long sometimes. The debate is raging online, because some people think the toy could represent the holy trinity, and various priests have been using the device to explain its meaning. Which is good since, up until now, the only way to explain the holy trinity was the turducken. laughter instead of a chicken on the inside, its a dove. Okay. Let me spell this out. For notyet converted precatholics out there, the holy trinity is a central doctrine of catholicism that god is three persons in one being. Theres the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and. Firm correctly. If i remember correctly i think theyre stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat so they can see a ratedr movie. If youre confused, first of all welcome to catholicism. Its a mystery. laughter secondly, how do Fidget Spinners relate to all this . Allow this viral meme to fidgesplain. The prongs of the spinner are the father, son, and holy spirit. And once theyre spinning on the sacred ball bearing, they come together to form one god. laughter its not bad. Its not a bad i mean, that speaks to me. Jon wow. Stephen i get it. I kind of like it. applause i kind of like it. Its pretty hip. But not everyone is happy about cool priests using Fidget Spinners, notably catholic websites like ucatholic. Com. Which, by the way, has got to be the worst late night text. laughter want to get together and nothing . Jon ha ha, gonna wait it out laughter stephen ucatholic says the idea that the Fidget Spinner explains the holy trinity is heretical. Each person of the trinity is fully god, not a 1 3 component that, when combined with others, becomes god. that falls into partialism, modalism, or sabellianism. Thats right, parents, is your teen doing sabellianism . laughter look for the warning signs, like knowing what sabellianism is. I have no idea. But this is ridiculous. Its tradition to explain the holy trinity with whatevers lying around. In the 4th century in ireland, none other than Saint Patrick used a shamrock to explain it. But youve got to drink a lot of guinness if you want to see it spin. laughter unfortunately, we may never know if comparing Fidget Spinners to the holy trinity is right or wrong unless a Higher Authority weighs in. Heyo jehovah in the jehizzy whoo stephen hey its god, everybody say hello to the lord hey, everybody stephen hi, god what are you doing here . Technically, im everywhere. Except ikea on saturday. That place is insane. Stephen hey, have you heard about this Fidget Spinner crisis . Absolutely. I love Fidget Spinners. Check it out. Whoo stephen wait, you have a Fidget Spinner . Oh, yeah. Helps me with my anxiety. I used to get so worked up that i missed every seventh day of work. laughter stephen well, lord, whats your take on Fidget Spinners, god . Should they be used to represent the holy trinity . Definitely its the only way i can keep it straight. Three persons in one god . What is this, twin peaks . Are you watching this new season . Its really weird freaks me out. laughter stephen so theres nothing sacrilegious about this . No, you can use all sorts of toys to represent religious concepts. Like a slinky on the stairs. It starts at the top and then keeps moving down, just like the fall of man. Ooh, heavy laughter stephen youre blowing my mind, lord. Youre blowing my mind. Thats what i do. Stephen all right. The lord has spoken. Maybe ill go buy a Fidget Spinner. Then ill see you in heaven soon theyre a total choking hazard stephen the lord, everybody. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Naomi watts is here. But when we come back, ill share some confessions i didnt tell the lord just now. cheers and applause band playing its so. Quiet. Is it, too quiet . Its awful. Yeah. Feel at home, pretty much wherever you are. Tmobile is americas best unlimited network. About to see progressives new home quote explorer. Where you can compare multiple quote options online and choose whats right for you. Woah. Flo and jamie here to see hqx. Flo and jamie request entry. Slovakia. Triceratops. Tapioca. Racquetball. Staccato. Me llamo jamie. Pumpernickel. Pudding. Employee hey, guys home quote explorer. Its Home Insurance made easy. Password was hey guys. Its Home Insurance made easy. [ ] cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause jon whoo stephen i could listen to you guys do that song over and over again. Jon yeah, you know weve got it. Stephen at least twice. Jon oh, yeah, im ready. Im with it cheers and applause stephen folks, as i have made clear many times, i am a catholic, and my favorite catholic tradition is confession, but i dont have a chance to go as often as i should, which is ever. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. laughter okay, ill be right back. organ music playing softly forgive me, audience. I go to the gym on rainy days, so it looks like im sweating a lot. laughter always yens alway audience, all my ties are really clipon, and so are my pants. laughter ah whoo cheers and applause ah, that really cools things off. laughter ive never blamed a fart on my dog. laughter tax evasion, once. laughter i never drink alone, because i have a mirror back here. laughter come here often . laughter i know you do. When i was younger, i got a tattoo. Now i cant find it. laughter i lied and told my kids that our family dog moved to a farm upstate, but he really moved to a loft in brooklyn. laughter i tell little kids i can make balloon animals, but i lack lung strength. laughter who wants wormy . laughter i dont want to brag, but im harry potter in the streets, and hagrid in the sheets. cheers and applause ive learned from experience how many napkins they let you take from wendys before the manager says something to you. laughter when i was 12, my three best friends and i found a body in the woods. Right where we left it. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with naomi watts. cheers and applause band playing you might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter when bold espresso meets ice flavors are transformed, afternoons get more refreshing. From the bold starbucks double shot on ice to the sweet iced caramel macchiato. Meet a friend and chill together. From june 27th to july 2nd buy any grande iced expresso beverage, get one free between 2 and 5pm. Oh, my love my darlin ive hungered for your touch papa, hola ive hungered for your touch no, no no, no no no ill be coming home, wait for me cheers and applause band playing snrmpleght stephen thats nice. Lovely. Welcome back, everybody. My first guest is a twotime oscar nominee you know from mulholland drive, 21 grams, and the impossible. She now stars in the netflix show, gypsy. So have you always been into robbing the cradle . No, you make me sound like a bleep criminal the way you say that. Well, you must have had girl crushes. It didnt really work that way for me. I mean, yeah, i was always into men. Sphwhrvmen, i think. You would know. I just think if you focus so much on what you should feel, you dont really know what it is you do feel. Stephen please welcome naomi watts cheers and applause band playing hi stephen thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Stephen its an absolutely beautiful summertime dress. Thank you. It goes with your decor. Stephen its like you planted a garden on one of the chairs. Very nice. Obviously, youre a movie star, but i found out it was not an overnight success for you. You struggled in the vineyards of the lord for years before you got your break. Thats right i. Stephen did you come here from australia . England, australia, then america. Stephen whats your First Impression of hollywood . People talked it up. Stephen yeah, thats what hollywood does. I guess. laughter when youre young and in your early 20s and you want to believe a story, you hang on to those words. They promised me the world. I had all these meetings and they said, come on, yeah things will go great for you stephen sounds like a hollywood guy. laughter so you moved there on this prom snies. So i packed my bags on this promise and came back and met all those same people and they were, like, oh, yeah, i remember you. Good luck to you, and sent me on my way. Ten years later, i was still struggling to get a job. Stephen you eventually had your revenge, right . Yeah, revenge is sweet. Yeah, david lynch came along and took a chance. Stephen from mulholland drive, right. Whats he leak to work with . Im also watching the new twin peaks which youre also in, of course, and is he as freaky to be with as to watch . Hes not freaky. Stephen hes just an average guy when youre with him . Hes not average. Hes unique. Hes very special, and hes got a certain voice, and he speaks about certain things, and he lives in a certain way thats really very different. Stephen that informed me in no way. laughter that sounds like hes asked you not to say anything about him. So if im an actor, how would he give notes . Whats he like to work with . First of all, he has a megaphone he folks through even if hes this close to you. Stephen thats not normal. Thats not, but its cute stephen okay. Its cute if its david lynch. If its a guy on a street, you medicate him. laughter so here i am, this close, youve got the megaphone. Now, listen, naomi, you want to rip tis balls off and scream to the bottom of his toes, and just i dont know, i cant think of the lines of dialogue that come out of his mouth but theyre all obtuse and laughter yeah, you know, like from another world, another era. Stephen thats a pretty good flat, american accent. Thats very food. You grew up in england and australia, you said . Correct. Stephen do you find american accent easy . No. Stephen why not . Its really hard. Stephen whats the hardest part about it . The rs. Stephen the rs . Yeah, i sound like ive had a stroke. Stephen okay. My kids always tease me. They go, mom, say art. Art. Its not art, art. No, you cant say it, you have a terrible accent, mommy. Stephen can you say, i would like some butter . I would like some butter. cheers and applause stephen i would totally give you butter. The hard one is please may have a drink of water, and can i look in your mirror. Stephen im sorry, what was the last one . Mirror. Stephen mirror. Ome people say mirror. Or i like to do horror films, rrrrr stephen i saw this horror in my mirror over the water laughter wow. How are you at i know you did eastern promises with vego. How are you at russian accents. I dont have a russian accent. Stephen tippet to hear your russian accent. No, were done with accents. Stephen we are done if you wish to be done russian accent . That was very good you did that very well. Stephen you come to moscow with me. Okay. Stephen im not going back. laughter have you been to russia . I have. Stephen lovely people. Yeah. laughter stephen its true. There are lovely people. Its a little spook j. Its like a fantastic haunted house. You were in prague, i understand, doing ophelia. Hamlets ophelia . The other way around, ophelias hamlet, an its time to tell the female version of that. So thats what i was cheers and applause stephen and all of this, i assume, takes place before spoiler alert she drowns herself, right . laughter yeah. Well, im not going to give anything away. Stephen okay, please dont. You have kids. Do you get to travel with them . I do. They come, you know, wherever i go. Stephen thats nice because you can keep things sort of like a normal routine and schedule and tradition. Somewhat. It kind of falls apart with jetlag and things. Stephen sure, yeah. In fact, recently, they came over and, on the plane, my son lost a tooth, and stephen oh, yeah. And theyre getting to that age where they dont really believe in the tooth fairies anymore stephen but theyre real. They dont believe in it, doe