Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170616

I dont recall i dont recall i dont have any recollection i dont remember. I just dont have any real recall of the meeting. I could say i possibly have a meeting but i still do not recall it. I dont recall. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Milo Ventimiglia, judy greer and comedian keith alberstadt, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey whoo cheers and applause hey how are ya . Hey thank you very much. Hey, everybody ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause and we you know, if you watch this show on a regular basis, you know that we like to talk about the latest things that happen in the day on that show, that night. Last night, we could not. Because right after the show was finished, as soon as it ended, it was revealed special agent Robert Mueller is investigating donald trump for obstruction of justice. cheers and applause stephen is that thunder . Looks like hes going to need to change the hat make justice obstructed again. This is a big moment. The president of the United States is under criminal investigation. When the movie comes out, this will be definitely in it. And i will definitely be played by hugh jackman. And ill still have the claws. cheers and applause cant grow a beard, though. Of course, muellers investigating whether trump pressured comey and the heads of the other intelligence agencies to back off the russia probe. But who knows why he fired comey . When i decided to just do it, i said to myself, i said, you know, this russia thing, with trump and russia, is a made up story. Stephen then i said to myself, make sure you dont say that on tv. Oh, thats a camera . cheers and applause thats a camera . These are all cameras, and im on tv and i just said it. Okay. And mueller is not kidding around. To find out what happened, hes putting together whats been described as an allstar legal team. Yes, muellers like batman getting flash, green lantern, and wonder woman to join the obstruction of Justice League cheers and applause piano riff id watch that movie. Jon that will be a good movie. Stephen i would watch that movie. Critics complain that mueller has hired three people for his legal team who have given political donations almost exclusively to democrats. And that he should only be hiring people with no political connections. As one trump supporter put it, he has to have a staff of virgins. cheers and applause yes. Yes. Staff of virgins. singing which, i believe, is how trump ended up with reince priebus. cheers and applause piano riff why not . Freshfaced boy. Earlier this week, a personal friend says trump considered firing mueller. And trump could do it. Hed just have to order Deputy Attorney general Rod Rosenstein to fire mr. Mueller. If mr. Rosenstein refused, mr. Trump could fire him, too. Of course, that would be almost exactly what nixon did in watergates saturday night massacre. So, in a way, very president ial. So why did trump float this firing idea through his friend . Well, word is, trump thought that the possibility of being fired would focus mueller on delivering what the president desires most a blanket public exoneration. And now, hes under investigation for obstruction. I guess that threat of firing. Backfired. cheers and applause so trump just hurt himself with what one white house insider called, this cockamamie scheme to get mueller to play ball. Now, we dont know who at the white house said this, but i will point out that cockamamie is mike pences dirtiest swear word. piano riff applause and when asked how the white house was going to handle this, one senior official replied, keep him away from twitter. Dear god, keep him away from twitter. cheers and applause i can understand that. I can understand that. Oh, come on. Hes a grown man and im sure. They made up a phony collusion with the russians story, found zero proof, so now they go for obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice. No you cant ruin the word nice for us, too youve already ruined sad, and wall, and covfefe. No no applause no one will ever name their child covfefe now. Trump also tweeted, you are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in american political history, led by some very bad and conflicted people hashtag maga. Yes, its just like the salem witch trials, when those young women were accused of witchcraft and then said, we did witchcraft, in an interview with lester holt. applause lester holt fans. I love lester holt. And last night, someone leaked the r. N. C. s talking points on the mueller investigation. The g. O. P. Party line is to claim mueller struck out on trying to prove collusion, and is trying to save face. No getting investigated for a second crime doesnt automatically mean you didnt commit the first crime. Your honor, youre telling me that im going to jail for assault and battery . Pretty sure the battery cancels out the assault. Unhand me, sir. cheers and applause piano riff speaking of russia, yesterday, the Senate Overwhelmingly voted to impose new sanctions on russia over election meddling. 97 2. Who voted against it . As usual, it was wyoming senators boris and natasha. laughter those two, very staunch. Very staunch supporters of the president. applause they blame hacking the d. N. C. On moose and squirrel. Now, trump has been reluctant to say anything bad about russia. Hes even mentioned easing sanctions. But this bill allows congress to block any efforts by the president to scale back sanctions against russia. cheers and applause yep. Now, this looks Like Congress thinks something fishy is going on between trump and russia. laughter so what else is happening . Oh, this is kind of big news. Fox news is dropping its fair and balanced slogan. I assume because they finally watched themselves. laughter jon oh piano riff applause stephen what . What . This isnt right at all piano riff according to a fox insider, the slogan was dropped because the phrase had been mocked. laughter applause for now, fox news will be using its other slogan most watched. Most trusted. But here are some other phrases that they briefly considered. Cnn for your angry uncle. Thanks for watching, mr. President and perhaps the most controversial rejected slogan, youd be pretty if you smiled more. audience reacts there is some good news out there, because for the last few years, scientists have been ruining our childhoods by telling us that dinosaurs may have actually been covered in feathers. Look at how stupid that is. He looks like a parrot stepping on a lego. laughter paleontologists have confirmed that the trex had scaly skin and not feathers okay . cheers and applause yeah. Scaly skin, no feathers. Jon oh, yeah, yeah. Stephen now to see something that shouldnt be covered in feathers, you will have to go to coachella. laughter anyone here in new york city right now . cheers and applause wow, almost everyone. Well, ive got some good news because new york city has eased the severity of laws against public urination. cheers and applause thats fantastic news its not easy to find a bathroom in this town if youre waiting in line for the starbucks bathroom, the line just became the bathroom. laughter under these new rules, if you relieve yourself on the big apple, you will only get a ticket, like for breaking the speed limit. Thatll save the police some paper work. They can just do a twofer when they catch you doing 90 and peeing out the window. laughter the new York City Council says downgrading the offense will divert 100,000 cases a year from a backlogged criminal justice system. 100,000 cases per year laughter no wonder sea levels are rising cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Milo ventimiglia is here, but when we return, ill reveal my deepest midnight confessions. band playing cheers and applause noo text blades to gillette on demand text to reorder blades. And get 3 off your first order with gillette on demand. We, the tv loving people, roooooaaar want our whole house to be filled with entertainment. Easy boy but we dont want annual contracts and hardware. You scoundrel we just want to stream live tv. And we want it for 10 dollars a month. batman raspy wow. Id like that in my house. Its a very big house. Yeah, mine too. Look at us. Just two bros with sick houses. High five. Directv now. A big streaming deal for 10 a month. Its entertainment your way. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Cmmon boys rarin to go because of new doritos mix, there is boldness everywhere. [robotic voice doritos ] i quit has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. When you you act fast. Er, boo. So do we. Raid kills roaches seven times faster than the next leading ant and roach spray. Seven times faster . gasps raid get raid and get tough on roaches fast. Sc johnson. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey welcome back, everybody say hi to jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause everybodys all black tonight. Very formal. Its beautiful. Wow. Jon hey stephen ladies and gentlemen, as you may or may not know, i am a Roman Catholic which means the guilty laveer is baked right in. laughter but i dont get to church as often as i like, and i really miss my favorite catholic tradition confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. laughter soft organ music forgive me, audience as a catholic, i believe that jesus is always by my side. I also believe that this entitles me to use the carpool lane. laughter my doctor tells me to limit my alcohol intake to one glass of wine a day. But last time i checked, bottles are made of glass. cheers and applause last week, i won 500 at a Stephen Colbert lookalike contest. laughter i finished third. laughter i dropped my iphone in the toilet, but told the guy at the apple store that it fell off my speedboat. laughter sometimes, when im lonely, i run red lights just so ill get pulled over and ill have someone to talk to. laughter a ticket . For me . But i didnt get you anything. laughter whenever my dentist asks me if ive been flossing, i always say the same thing no habla inglee. laughter when my dog licks someone elses face, i feel cheated on. laughter audience reacts you slut laughter applause thats not my dog. I never run away from my problems, because its so much faster to drive. laughter i love my kids, but the real reason i had them was so people would stop asking if i was a virgin. laughter see, those kids over there . You tell me laughter my neighbor asked me to water his plants when he was on vacation, but im pretty sure they all died in that fire. laughter applause i tell people i enjoy classical music, but what i really enjoy is telling people i enjoy classical music. laughter ah, cellos. I dont have a cat, but i do have a litter box. And its a mess. laughter i say i love you to my dog more than i say it to my wife. audience reacts i love you. You slut. applause forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks well be right back with Milo Ventimiglia. band playing cheers and applause my belly pain and constipation . I could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . Enough avo if youve had enough, tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. 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This clean was like pow everything well . My teeth are glowing. They are so white. Step 1 cleans. Step 2 whitens. Crest [hd]. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening a i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. Right now at kohls. Take 25 off nike just in tie for fathers day. Thats 25 off select nike shoes, apparel and accessories for dad and the whole family. And, everyone gets kohls cash . Earn it on everything spend it on anything right now at kohls. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from his roles on heroes, Gilmore Girls and now this is us. Come lie down as if youre going to do a pushup. Randall, climb on your fathers back. clearing throat jack, your back was built to carry your son through life. Are you willing to hold him up no matter what comes his way . Yes. Stephen show him. Good. Now keep going. Are you willing to raise this young boy into a strong man . Yes, sir. Stephen are you willing to push him to be the best man in the world he can be . Yes. Stephen please welcome Milo Ventimiglia band playing cheers and applause you were a little misty. Stephen i was a little misty trying to break my heart in every scene of this show . Not trying, but i just think it kind of happens. Stephen fathers day is coming up. Yes, very big day. Stephen do you have children of your own . No, i do not. Im making it up. Stephen you look like you would be a good one. Stephen thank you. I have children. Im not sure i could be that pushup thing. I bet you could. Stephen my kids are, like, sixtwo now. My costar, we thought it would be interesting to have him get on my back. I have a video of him on my back, justin on his back and sterling on justin ice back to show we support each other. They beat me in that. Stephen even that will make me cry. How many will you do for that scene . I think 320 pushups with lonnie on my back. Thats what the editors told me that day. Stephen wow. applause well, um, the show is huge. Congratulations on that. Thank you. Stephen its one of the best shows on tv right now. Thank you. Stephen are you a cryer yourself . Because one of the things people talk about this show is you cant get out of there without crying. Your ratings are fantastic but you should be measured in how many ccs of saline you have at the end. Yeah. Stephen are you a crying emotionally . As ive gotten older, im closing in on 40. Stephen youre closing in on 40 . Yeah. Stephen you go to hell. laughter you look good, man yeah, peter and carol gave me some pretty good genes. Stephen oh, mom and dad . Yeah. No, i cry more, im more connected with my motions. Ive heard it measured in kleenex boxes but i never heard saline bag. That sounds like something way different. laughter stephen you have a name venventimiglia, has anyone trieo talk you out of that . Yes, they tried to make it milo venti. I would be a large cup of coffee at this point. There were other variations as a child, milo ventvegetarian. I was running on a football field aaron brown, jeff smith, milo vent whatever. Stephen they actually said whatever . I was running on the team and i said, what the stephen was that your team or the opposing teams announcer . Good question. Stephen thank you, thats what i do for a living. See, people give me lines and i read them. Stephen one of the things, you had a distinction of very few people in television have had. Only three male bare butts have been shown on broadcast television. Jimmy schmidts dennis frans. You have to clap for that one, too. Stephen thats courage. And your butt. We actually see your butt before your face. Yes, you do. I was about to make a bad joke and say, how do you follow that, but i guess i did. Stephen technically, it follows you. Yeah, you take that, butt. Stephen was that in the table read, we see his butt . Yeah. Stephen or did they say in the take, lets lose the pants . See what happens. Yeah, right . The funny thing was, i show up to work that day and there were these nude or flesh colored patches of cloth and tape, and im kind of looking at this like, dan, who wrote this in the script, he wasnt joking around, it is going to be me covering my manhood and then stephen its not like a tube sock, its a fleshcolored they gave options. Stephen heres an old turtle shell laughter i know, right . Heres a backpack. Stephen a backpack, wow, im impressed. Heres a 50gallon duffle bag. Yeah, me and john. Stephen what do they do there . Basically, pick your option. Stephen are you comfortable with the nudity . Im okay with it. Its a hardworking butt. My trainer jason walsh makes sure things are worked out. Stephen do squats. Do squats. Stephen never skip leg day. No, never. Stephen i did a nude scene once full frontal nude . Stephen i was 19. Get out stephen when they asked me, i said, i should do this now. I knew it wasnt going to last much longer. Yeah. Stephen what about on set, when youre nude, when youre there and its all hang out, do they clear the set . Yeah, they will be polite, clear the set, close the set is what they call it, and then usually, you know, i had a towel on the day we were filming, the terrible towel. Stephen thats nice. And then i just kind of kept my back the a wall in between takes but i was still trying to communicate, like, hey, whats up, chris . You know . Yeah, yeah. Good to sea you, don. Yeah, all right. Stephen going over to the food table . No, i didnt. I waited. I waited. I was, like, you cant mix as and, you know, food. Stephen red vines. No. Yeah, you could. You could. You were lucky enough at a pretty young age to get some work on television. We found a clip which i believe is the first time you were ever on television. What is this from . Fresh prince of bellaire. Stephen okay. cheers and applause that was my very first paying gig as an actor. Stephen yep . Who was your character . I was party guest number one. Ill set the scene. It was 1995, so i had awesome overalls, shirt opened, unbuttoned, hair just so. Stephen here we go. First appearance. What were you guys doing in the bathroom . Relax, were just taking a little tour. laughter tour. Taking a tour. Stephen exploring. Exploring. Being young. Stephen you guys were totally having sex upstairs. Absolutely having sex upstairs. Stephen just for backstory, were you totally nude when you got up there . And had a terrible towel. Stephen lovely to meet you. Milo ventimiglia. band playing cheers and applause stephen this is us returns this fall o nbc. Back with judy greer. So find a venus smooth that contours to curves, the smoother the skin, the more comfortable you are in it. Flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. Skin smoothing venus razors. 5 truth or dare is back. There must some kind of way out of here said the joker to the thief theres too much confusion i cant get no relief business men, they. You are forever becoming who you are. Drink my wine Bleu De Chanel at macys. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Allthat was amazing. E sitting. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody folks, ive wanted to sit down with my next guest a long time. You know her from arrested development and archer. She now stars in casual on hulu. Please welcome judy greer cheers and applause band playing stephen its so nice to see you again. Its been forever. 2002 or Something Like that . A very, very long time. Stephen we did a show together for another network. No, dont talk about that. Stephen the symbol is a bird with tail feathers called the finkelman project. The untitled finkelman project. Stephen it remained untitled because it didnt go on television. It was a pilot for nbc and we shot it in toronto. We were all going to be famous. Stephen we were going to be working all the time. I was going to get a new escort. Stephen you mean a car, right . applause you get your head out of the gutter, Mister Stephen i really believed in the project. It was really funny. A lot of it was improvised. Yes, you were playing Ken Finkelman. Stephen it was based on a show in canada called the news room and i was a news director and you were my sister. All i remember was being your sister and i remember Ken Finkelman being on the set. You and ken were kind of different so i was wondering how that was going to work out in the end. It didnt. Stephen did you ever see the final project . No, did you in. Stephen yes. You did . Stephen yes. As a matter of fact. And this is true no stephen we have the pilot right here. Made by imagine which is one of ron howards producers. Ive heard of him. Stephen one of the executives here at cbs reached out to ron howard who had somebody go into the faults or went himself and found the pilot so we have a scene here between you and me. Youre in the bathroom. Ive gone over to you the ask if you can get me tickets to a Golf Tournament with celebrity players im interested in. I dont remember anything about the damn show. I dont remember what this is. Stephen this is a vhs tape is what this is. This is me and judy greer in 2002 in the untitled Ken Finkelman project. This is a once and a lifetime chance for me to play golf with the pros. Youre my sister. I cant do it. The tournament is on saturday. Youre not a celebrity. Who am i supposed to be . Richard simmons, for gods sake . I produce the news. There is one possibility. See, family is everything. Explain the bocca trip and youre in. Thats a bribe. I cant sell air time. Why not . There is something called journalistic ethics. applause the chemistry stephen and just like that, it was gone. What could have been it could have been. Stephen ron, were still here. You can make this happen. I think the world needs to see this. Stephen i think thats all the world needs the see of that. Ive seen the rest of it. We play siblings in this show. I think that we actually have we do. Stephen a little tan in common. Were both raised catholics. That makes us have dna in common, yeah. Stephen yes. Yes. Stephen we have the same escort. applause we do have that in common but im going to oneup you here. Stephen i know you are. Ill bick you up with visual aids. Both raised catholic. But my mom was a nun. That is sister somethingsomething elizabeth. She was a nun. She got kicked out of the convent after eight years serving the lord. Stephen eight years. Yes. Stephen had she taken her final vows . Thats up for grabs. laughter sometimes she said she did and sometimes she said she didnt but i do like to remind her that my father is her actual second husband because her first husband was jesus. Stephen right, because they even wear a ring and everything. Yeah applause stephen wow. But she got kicked out because she was a little too crazy. They thought she would be better serving the lord in a more secular environment. Stephen whats a crazy none . Whats too crazy to be a nun . She had a red bathing suit. Stephen first of all, she had a bathing suit. Thats the first one. She told me there was one parishioner who used to let the nuns go swimming in their pool in the summertime. Which, i mean, imagine today ifn there was video cameras filming a bunch of nuns swimming, i feel like that would be a good reality show. laughter wait a minute, did i say that out loud . laughter stephen did you ever think about being a nun yourself . Gosh, you know, i didnt. Stephen you didnt . Mom never brought it up like there is good stuff about it . No. I, in fact, left the Catholic Church when i was ten. Stephen thats early to cut the cord. I told my parents i would feel closer to god at a Presbyterian Church but mostly because my friend carol smith went to the Presbyterian Church and all the boys there were really cute. The boys at the Presbyterian Church were so much cuter than the catholic boys. I had a good argument. My parents were down, they let me go to the Presbyterian Church and then i could chase the presbyterian boys instead of the catholic boys. Stephen my wife is presbyterian, so there you go. And i married a lutheran. Stephen boy, you really just threw the lutherans under the bus there, didnt ya . laughter well, casual is on hulu this season. Yes. Stephen congratulations. Thank you stephen it airs tuesdays on hulu and stars judy greer, everybody. Well be right back with comedian keith alberstat. Shift without a disaster. My bargain detergent couldnt keep up. So, i switched to tide pods. Theyre super concentrated, so i get a better clean. Number one trusted. Number one awarded. Its got to be tide chevythree years in a row. Car company really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards get 17 below msrp on all Chevy Traverse lt models in stock. 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And get 3 off your first order with gillette on demand. Now, the world is your diner. Whoa yeah. With new dennys online ordering, get whatever you want, whenever you want, now wherever you want. Order at dennys. Com band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest is a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york city. Please welcome keith alberstat cheers and applause piano riff all right, thank you thank you very much good to be here. I have been living in new york for a while now but im originally from nashville, tennessee. Yeah, a great town. So i talk a lot slower than most people who live in new york. Sometimes theyll try to speed up conversations. They can be crefer about it. Theyll use words out of their normal context, words like trust. I heard that recently, i trust you had a good weekend . With you asking me or telling me . I dont know how to respond to that. Theres no better way to speed it along than to ask questions that are statements. I trust you had a good weekend. I assume your family is doing okay. I suspect you understand why i have no friends. laughter a lot of great restaurants here in new york. I looked one up on yelp to see what the reviews were. The very first review said this everything i ordered, even the appetizer, had a hair in it. laughter thats what caught my eye. Even. Even the appetizer. Its like somebody was typing away going, all right, you know what . In the main course, i get it. Drinks, dessert, sure. But spinach dip . Crossed the line. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Things are good. I got married a few months ago. Im recently married. cheers and applause thank you very much. Thank you very much. Went on a honeymoon. The very first day on our honeymoon m i wife looked at me and asked me this what tuning a good baby name would be . Im sorry, what . She said, im not pregnant, but, you know, maybe, one day. Thats a very unnecessary shop. laughter i might do that to her some time. Hey, do you know any good bankruptcy lawyers . laughter applause were not broke, but maybe one day. applause laughter especially after having conceived and raised whats his face. laughter i did suggest a name. I suggested one that will work for either a boy or a girl. I suggested username. applause that is very practical. Our kids already going to be logged in, three seconds ahead of the class. I know it looks weird but well pronounce it oosern ame. Right . Dont want the kid to get picked on. Middle name password. Pronounced password. Spelled with eight black dots. laughter applause most kids dont like their middle name. How cool would it be to have madele name you have to change every six months for security purposes. My father in law bob has absolutely no idea how hilarious he is. One day before leslie and i were married, we were hanging out at her parents place in new jersey. Bob walked out to go to the doctor. Comes back. Walks into the living room, first thing he says to everybody, i got chlamydia. laughter he is 78 years old. Its real bad, too. Its called hyperchlamydia. Thats how bad it is. laughter couple questions later, come to find out bob actually has high potassium. applause the medical term for that is hypercalemia. laughter applause bob, who else did you tell this to . Told the neighbors. The neighbors . Now there is an entire culdesac in southern new jersey who thinks my father in law has off the charts, rock star chlamydia. laughter thanks a lot, everybody. Stephen his album walk it off is available on september 9, 2010. Pg e learned a tragic lesson we can never forget. This gas pipeline ruptured in san bruno. The explosion and fire killed eight people. Pg e was convicted of six felony charges including five violations of the u. S. Pipeline safety act and obstructing an ntsb investigation. Pg e was fined, placed under an outside monitor, given five years of probation, and required to perform 10,000 hours of community service. We are deeply sorry. We failed our customers in san bruno. While an apology alone will never be enough, actions can make pg e safer. And thats why weve replaced hundreds of miles of gas pipeline, adopted new Leak Detection technology that is onethousand times more sensitive, and built a stateoftheart gas operations center. We can never forget what happened in san bruno, thats why were working every day to make pg e the safest Energy Company in the nation. Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be scarlett johansson, bill burr, and musical guest fleet foxes. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, jamie foxx and ansel elgort. Good night cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggi