Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2017

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170530

Youre too kind please, everybody, thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host stephen colbert. Well, the last 24 hours the last 24 hours have just raised more questions about why donald trump fired f. B. I. Director james comey. Okay. No one seems to know why. Donald trump doesnt seem to know why. laughter because heres the dealio. First, he said it was based on the recommendation of assistant attorney general and 50yearold just hitting puberty, rod rosenstein. laughter hang in there, rod. Now, trump even sent out mike pence to repeat that idea. You know, pence had to go out there and go, what are you going to do . Rod says hes got to go. Rods the man. Our hands were tied. Now, some people were skeptical that this was the reason. For instance, people like rod rosenstein, who said, and im paraphrasing, what . No sorry, fellas, no, no, no, no, no. laughter at one point, rosenstein actually threatened to quit. It will all be detailed in his tellall book threatening courage. laughter still, the white house staff kept repeating that the decision came after the recommendation from rosenstein. And today Donald Trump Backed those staffers up. Then ran over them repeatedly by changing his story. Monday you met with the Deputy Attorney general rod rosenstein. Right. Did you ask for a recommendation . What i did is i was going to fire comey. My decision. It was not you had made the decision before they came in the room . I, i was going to fire comey. I theres no good time to do it, by the way. They because, in your letter, you said i have accepted their recommendations. You had already made the decision . Oh, i was going to fire regardless of recommendation. So there was stephen yes, he was going to do it regardless. Totally believable. Trump does have a long history of doing whatever he wants regardless. But hey, when youre a star, they let you do it. Comey should have known he was in trouble when trump pulled out the tic tacs. laughter so if it wasnt on the recommendation of rosenstein, why did he get rid of comey . Look, hes a showboat, hes a grandstander. audience reacts stephen that is really the squash calling the pumpkin orange. laughter and applause that was an orange float at the rose parade. And that wasnt trumps only interview this week. He also sat down with the economist, and talked about chinese president xi jinping and the Amazing Things he learned about china. In fact, did you know that general tso was a real guy . laughter yeah, i think he fought with capn crunch. Not sure. Lets check it out. laughter jon magically delicious. Stephen i mean, in this interview with the economist trump really seems like he likes his new best friend xi jinping. laughter laughter tell me more, tell me more, did you have lots of fun . laughter tell me more, tell me more. Will they kill kim jongun . cheers and applause tell me more tell me more laughter do you have any regrets tell me more tell me more, will they forgive our debt . Thank you very much. Go greased lightning laughter and then what else . Trump also laid out his new tax reform plan to the economist, and used a totally original metaphor. laughter yes. Dont adjust your television sets. laughter you heard that right. Donald trump is claiming he came up with the phrase, prime the pump . sir, did you learn nothing from melanias speech . laughter just dont do it cheers and applause now, im no expert. Im not sure who invented the phrase priming the pump, but i think it goes back to the pump. laughter what other phrases did trump invent . Paper or plastic, that was me. laughter im the first one to call a left turn a louie. hows it hangin . No one wondered how it hung before me. Chocoholic. You are the weakest link. Goodbye. laughter trump also gave a white house tour to Time Magazine, and gave reporters a firsthand look at his dinner routine. Wow two scoops . Jon oh, man stephen does he also get to ride in the front seat sometimes . laughter applause man, i wish i was the president or really, anyone else. laughter trump was also sad about how everyones been so mean to him, saying you know what . I did not realize he was such a tenderhearted soul. laughter so im not gonna say anything negative about the president , like that his hands are so small he needs both of them to work a tv remote. laughter no, im going to let Time Magazines picture say that for me. laughter piano riff hold on, hold on, i cant, hold on tell the joint chiefs we are at code green. My thumb cant reach the on button. laughter but those, of course, are all just trifling details. The president also spoke to Time Magazine about the most important issue to him this show. Ahem. laughter laughter laughter cheers and applause piano riff the president of the United States has personally come after me and my show. And theres only one thing to say hehehe, yay yay laughter cheers and applause audience chanting stephen mr. Trump, mr. Trump, theres a lot you dont understand, but i never thought one of those things would be show business. laughter dont you know ive been trying for a year to get you to say my name . laughter and you were very restrained, admirably restrained, but now you did it. whispering i won. cheers and applause oh, no oh, no please dont make me trend on twitter again dont throw me in that hashtag briarpatch laughter but, youre not wrong. I will give this to the man. I do occasionally use adult language. And i do it in public, instead of in the privacy of an access hollywood bus. laughter applause and its true and its true thats dignified, that is dignified. And its true the night you appeared on this show right over there was very highly rated. In fact, the only episode that got better ratings was the night i had jeb bush on. audience reacts thats right. You got beat by low energy jeb. But dont worry, you won the ratings college. laughter applause its a reference to the electoral college. And making jokes about you has been good for ratings. Its almost as if the majority of americans didnt want you to be president. cheers and applause but you know whos got really bad ratings these days . You do. laughter terrible approval numbers. I hear theyre thinking about switching your time slot with mike pence. laughter but since all applause but since all of my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, theres an obvious way resign. cheers and applause i mean, thats it, right . cheers and applause what, what on earth . I mean, if you did that sir, if you did that, what would i talk about then . Except your resignation. Because that would be fun. cheering and heres the thing a president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after alfred e. Newman. laughter and if i may, mr. President , id like to quote that great man what, me worry . cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Mayim bialik is here. But when we come back, i got the first drafts of this years most popular mothers day cards. Stick around, moms. I love you, moms raz, where are you . Guys. Im trapped, my boss wants me here. We are not leaving without you. Just go downstairs now. Rapunzel . look for my chr. That was fun. Wait till you see where were going. Introducing an allnew crossover. Toyota chr. Toyota. Lets go places. Itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. Bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. So, the question you asked me. What is the key . Its you. Everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. But youve never had em quite like this. At red lobsters lobster shrimp summerfest, the lobster and shrimp you love are teaming up in so many new ways. Like new coastal lobster and shrimp, with a lobster tail with butter and herbs, sweet, smoky bbq red shrimp, and shrimp crusted with. Get this. Cape cod kettle chips. Or try lobster and shrimp overboard. A dish this good. Makes you this hungry. Its the highlight of the season, and cant last. So hurry in. We, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. Mom whats for din. Ner . Water. Just water. Lots and lots of water. You wouldnt feed your kids just water, so why starve your plants . Feed them miracle gro and go from doom to bloom. So why starve your plants . cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Right there thats my man jon yeah woo stephen good to see you, jon we all love our mothers, dont we . Jon yes. cheers and applause stephen and i tell you what moms love. They love getting mothers day cards, dont they . audience reacts thats what im talking about. Its the kind of gesture that says, i passed the card display while buying mouthwash and batteries. laughter but even the best mothers day cards had to start somewhere. And the people who write them dont always nail it on the first try. Which is why tonight were taking a look at some early greeting card efforts in our segment first drafts applause now, as always, in first drafts, i always have somebody help me as we, to help me hold up the first drafts. So what i need right now is a mom. Do we have a mom who would like to come up on stage . Yes, young lady, come right here. What is your name . Pam. Stephen pam . Come with me, pam. cheers and applause all right. There we go. There we go, pam. Right there. Have a seat. Thank you so much for being our guest today, pam. Pam, its mothers day. Right. Stephen so for mothers day, we would like to give you, obviously, a mimosa. applause and a macaroni card that says mom on it. laughter have you gotten one of these before . I have, a few. Stephen these are for you. You can keep that. She can keep that, right . Sure. Stephen thats cbs property. Not sure if you can keep that. laughter so, pam, are you from new york or from out of town . Im from nashville, tennessee. cheers and applause stephen oh, thats a lovely town. Thats a lovely town. It is. Stephen very beautiful. And you have children of your own . I have two boys well, theyre not really boys, theyre men. But i have a 37yearold son and a stephen a what . 37yearold stephen no way i do. Stephen what . im going to have a grand baby this summer. Stephen congratulations thank you cheers and applause stephen wow, okay. I have another son, too, hes 33. Stephen you have a 33year old son as well. Yes. Stephen is he going to have a grand baby soon . Whats his name . Danny. Stephen danny, get on the stick, okay . You bet laughter now, what i would like you to do for me right here, id like you to hand me the top card off each of these. You can hold these in your lap. And then, lets see. Just hand me the top card, and ill hold it up, and this will be the final draft of the mothers day card, and then the next one will be the first draft of the mothers day card. Do you understand the premise of the jokes we will be doing . I believe so. Stephen excellent. laughter um, okay, so this first one here, it says happy mothers day to the worlds best mom. Thats lovely, who wouldnt want to get that. Would you like that . I would. Stephen okay. But the first draft read, kevins mom lets us smoke weed in the basement. laughter applause probably happened in my house. Stephen you ever have that situation . Probably. Stephenhents arent as good as you, right . You dont let your kids play with those kids, right . No. Stephen okay, yeah. Heres a nice one. It says, youre not just my mom, youre my best friend. audience reacts thats very sweet. Stephen that was really sweet, all right. But the first draft said, im going to start calling you linda. laughter how would you feel about that . I dont think id like that, no. Stephen have your kids ever said, hey, can i call you pam, or do they ever call you pam . Not really. Stephen no . Would you be okay with that if they said, i want to call you pam . Maybe not. laughter stephen no, i dont like it either. I dont like it either. All right . Lets see. This one says, happy mothers day. Mom, you taught me everything i know. Again, these are really good cards. laughter but the first draft not so much. The first draft said, dad taught me how to siphon gas. laughter applause is your husband here . He is here. Stephen your husband is here . Where is he . Raise your hand. Right there. Stephen is that you, sir, in the grey hair . Is that you . Yeah. Stephen did you ever teach the boys how to siphon gas . No . laughter oh, yeah, well see. Stephen well expect that card at fathers day. All right, lets see what weve got here. Oh, this is pretty on the outside. It says, happy mothers day. We may be far apart, but a part of you is always with me. audience reacts aww. Stephen yeah. But if you look at the first draft it says, happy mothers day. Im slowly turning into you, and it creeps me out when i look in the mirror. cheers and applause you know that feeling . Yeah. Stephen do your boys look like you or do they look like your husband . Actually, its i would say one is more me and one is probably my husband. Stephen okay. Thats very even handed of you, mom. Yeah. laughter stephen which one looks more like you . Oh, the oldest one. Stephen the oldest one. Do you have a favorite . Oh, i cant say that. laughter stephen you cant say. She has a favorite. That means she has a favorite. Simple answer no. Simple answer no, senator. All right. laughter okay. Were joking. Were joking, boys. How about this card . It says, happy mothers day. Simple and to the point. But the first draft said, happy mothers day. For the last time, heres your wifi password, dont throw this away. cheers and applause oh, thats happened. Stephen thats true . Oh, yes. Stephen okay. Heres one that says happy mothers day to the mom i can talk to about anything. Yeah, but the first draft read im into butt stuff. laughter cant talk about that. Yeah. Stephen there are limits. There are limits. Mom doesnt want to know. All right. You happy you came up here, mom . laughter okay, heres a nice one. Lets see. Happy mothers day. Youre the number one mom in the whole wide world audience reacts yep, but the first draft said, statisticians say sample size is too small to accurately determine your ranking. laughter well, thats not nice. This one says, happy mothers day. Thanks for being my godmother. But the first draft read, im not totally clear what your role is. laughter oh, my stephen pam, thank you for being here. Please enjoy your mimosa, please enjoy your macaroni art. And ladies and gentlemen, well be right back with mayim bialik. Pam, everybody happy mothers day cheers and applause by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. 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Every great why needs a great how. ,, every great why happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. A delicious chew that protects for an entire month. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. cheers and applause stephen hey hey, everybody welcome back folks, get ready, because you know my first guest from beaches, blossom, and of course the Big Bang Theory. Please welcome the lovely and talented mayim bialik. cheers and applause stephen please, after you. Nice to have you on the show. Nice to be here. Stephen now, not only are you on this show on cbs tonight, but tonight the Season Finale of season ten. Stephen of season ten of Big Bang Theory is tonight and i understand this is taped before that broadcast. Correct. Stephen its whatever, 3 45 or everyone dies whoops laughter im kidding oh, my stephen but Something Big does happen. Yeah, but not that. I was just kidding. Stephen hard to make that funny. I guess so. Stephen new big bang the universe starts all over again . Is it something having to do with your character . Yes. Stephen you can tell me that. Good, you have a one in seven chance of being right with that guess. laughs stephen well, youre here, i might as well take a stab with it. Something big happens with my character and sheldon. cheers and applause stephen Something Big has already happened between the two of you. We had coitus. laughs stephen thats what a lovely way to put it. laughter are you blushing . Stephen under all this makeup, probably. laughter so, we had jim parsons on last week and he said hes not actually understanding any of the things he says on that show, nor does he want to understand. Correct. Stephen okay, but you actually have a ph. D. In neuroscience. Correct. Stephen was that just, like, intense . cheers and applause was that just like intense method acting . How did this come about . No. I mean, i actually, i took time off. I was on blossom when i was younger. Stephen i remember. I took off 12 years to get my undergraduate degree and my graduate degree at u. C. L. A. , i had two children, did a lot of things in those years. And i returned to acting, honestly because we were running out of health insurance. Stephen pretty soon, everybodys going to return to acting. cheers and applause who would have thought that acting was the safe choice . laughter i had been teaching neuroscience for about five years after getting stephen teaching neuroscience . Where were you teaching neuroscience . I taught junior high and high school in our Home School Community in los angeles and i also taught biology and chemistry. Stephen wow. So do you ever explain to the other cast members what theyre saying means . So heres the thing about actors laughter they dont like when other actors say, let me give you a little

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