Magic mike. I wish trump were my father. Froze my eggs in hope he would one day father my children. Smart jill. Just like smart to fire comey and let comey find out by watching tv. Im learning the following people have been fired. Congratulations sean spicer, ruth bader ginsburg. John mccain. Nikki haley. Chuck schumer. The white house guard dog that ate his big mack and jill news lady, me news good are you trumps wife . If youre a woman under 35, the answer might surprise you. Welcome to the late show with Stephen Colbert welcome Danny Mcbride, Jane Krakowski and musical guest metallica, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen thank you. Thank you so much please have a seat. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Well, ladies and gentlemen, ive got good news and bad news. The bad news the Washington Post reports that trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian Foreign minister and ambassador. Good news trump found the leaker. laughter it was fast. Fast. applause heres the deal. When kislyak and lavrov is that his name in the Oval Office Last week, trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic State terrorist threat. That is unbelievable. Trump has a script . laughter i dont believe that for a minute. I need intel on that. Yeah, i need that, too. Stephen the information is so sensitive, the article cant describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, this is codeword information. Code word means like the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like the package has been delivered. The squirrel is in the basket. The idiot is in the oval. laughter applause it could mean anything. We dont know what that means. We dont know what that means. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen im guessing were going to have a lot more on that story tomorrow. But the other big story continues to be trumps firing of f. B. I. Director james comey. Every day, we learn more and understand less. Right now, everyones buzzing about a dinner the two shared shortly after the inauguration, when trump asked comey to pledge his loyalty to him. James, i thought wed start with a caesar salad, then the flank steak, then, for dessert, two delicious scoops of undermining the integrity of the f. B. I. laughter applause people close to comey say he refused to pledge his loyalty but, instead, promised the president his honesty. But trump pressed on, asking for comeys, honest loyalty. Thats the art of the deal. Okay. I want loyalty, you want honesty. Lets meet in the middle at loyesty. laughter applause but this weekend trump cleared the whole thing up on fox news. People suggest that the question, apparently, the New York Times is selling, that you asked comey whether or not you had his loyalty was possibly inappropriate. Could you see how no i dont think, i read that article. I dont think its inappropriate, number one did you ask that question . No, no, i didnt, but i dont think it would be a bad question to ask. Stephen your honor, i did not burn down that hospital, but i dont think it would be a bad hospital to burn down. laughter it looks perfectly flammable and my friends, the flames, would dance for me. laughter piano riff applause we dont know what got said at the dinner, but trump claims comey also said trump wasnt under investigation. And to make sure comey zips the old tooth purse, trump tweeted this threat on friday james comey better hope that there are no tapes of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press that would be huge. It would be the first time a leaked tape ever made donald trump look good. laughter nobody knows how widespread this alleged taping is. Is he recording Staff Members . Visiting heads of state . Is there a bootleg of ted nugent live in the oval office . laughter id buy that. Jon that would be nice. He might sound good on that. Im interested. Stephen wango tango applause and while its an insane thing for the president to threaten, its crazier that we dont know if it really happened. On friday, sean spicer was asked a simple yes or no question is the president recording his conversations . The president has nothing further to add on that. Why did he say that . Why did he tweet that . What should we interpret from that . As i mentioned, the president has nothing further to add on that. Are there recording devices in the oval office or in the residence . As ive said for the third time, there is nothing further to add on that. Does he think its appropriate to threaten someone like mr. Comey not to speak . I dont think thats, thats not a threat. He simply stated a fact. The tweet speaks for itself. Im moving on. Stephen its a good thing that tweet speaks for itself because sean spicer certainly doesnt. laughter applause moving on. piano riff well, for some reason, the press corps just wouldnt take no answer for an answer, and today someone asked spicer about potential congressional subpeonas. I think i made it clear last week that the president has nothing further on that, hunter. Wait, wait, sean, does that mean that the president will deny the requests . I think, i said, i was very clear that we the president would have nothing further on that last week. Youre describing a situation in which the president would defy the legislative branchs request, thats what youre saying. I understand that. Alexis, i made it clear what the president s position is on that issue. Stephen sean, just because something happened three days ago doesnt mean reporters arent allowed to keep talking about it. I mean, bachelor couple ben and lauren just broke up today, and im going to be processing that for months. So the press kept pressing. Why wont you just explain whether or not there are recordings . I think the president has made it clear what his position is. Thats not my question. So why wont you explain . I understand that, but thats what the president s position is. So, given you refuse to confirm or deny any of this, how is any senior official supposed to feel comfortable having a conversation privately with the president . As ive said, hallie, the president has made it clear what his position is. Stephen no. Look, we know hes screwing the country over here, but he hasnt made it clear what his position is. Is it missionary . Doggiestyle . cheers and applause rif piano riff why did you have to do that . cheers and applause sounds like hes pulling a reverse constitutional. laughter point is, the entire week has been a messaging disaster. And sources say trump is frustrated and angry at everyone and that hes considering a huge reboot. Yeah, its yet another 70s reboot watergate 2 resign harder. This summer, he is a crook. cheers and applause jon got two peace signs. Thats strange. Stephen to be fair, nixon at least attempted a coverup. laughter but, on saturday, trump sat down with fox news jeanine pirro, hoping she could come up with an explanation. Are you moving so quickly that your Communications Department cannot keep up with you . Yes. Thats true. Stephen hardhitting interview. Jon thats a hardhitting one, brother. Stephen are you so great at being president that no one knows what the hell is happening . She continued. Stephen what do we do with that. We just dont have press conferences. Stephen you dont mean that. Just dont have them, unless we have them every two weeks and i do them myself. Stephen oh, sir, please dont do your own press conferences. applause stephen theyre always such fountains of eloquence and bassians of dignity. What would we talk about . Of course, no press conferences might mean no sean spicer, but trump put that rumor to rest. Sort of. You know sean spicer. He is a wonderful human being. Hes a nice man. Is he your press secretary today and tomorrow . Yeah, he is. Will he be there tomorrow . He is. Well, hes doing a good job, but he gets beat up. Will he be there tomorrow . Yeah, well hes been there from the beginning. Stephen ok, hes firing sean spicer. laughter hes always been here jon mmhmm. Stephen luckily, that time sean spent in the bushes will come in handy next week when hes working at home depot. laughter i have to Say Something here donald trump, if youre watching, first of all, youre a bad president , pr cheers and applause piano riff second of all, please, please, please dont take sean spicer from us. laughter where am i going to get my daily dose of veiled anger and condescension . Sarah Huckabee Sanders is okay, but she doesnt have that certain je ne sais whaaaa . cheers and applause weve a great show coming up. Danny mcbride is here. When we return. Stick around. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. 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Only at applebees. , internet speeds 20x faster. At t fiber sounds amazing. Wait a sec, im not done yet. Less than 12 of at t homes actually qualify. Huh. Hold on. Everyone else gets our other, slower internet speeds. But no one reads this stuff anyway. Except for the old guy with the binoculars. Huh. We got ourselves a reader. Dont be fooled by at t. Xfinity delivers the fastest speeds to the most homes. cheers and applause band playing stephen jon batiste, stay human cheers and applause a warm sip of tea right now. My voice is going on me. Ive got minutes left in my throat, minutes. Jon man stephen nice thing, at my birthday this weekend you know, what do you want, huh . cheers and applause what do you want for your birthday, right . I got everything. What do you want . You want to feel loved, right . Jon thats it, you want to feel loved. Stephen im a 53yearold man, ive got to stay in my pajamas for three days and my wife let me eat pop tarts and watch anything i wanted. Jon best birthday ever. Stephen i love you, honey well do mothers day next year. Her mothers day sucked this year. laughter im excited about metallica jon oh, right applause tomorrow, we have a very special appearance on this show by mr. Bra brad pittt audience reacts that was my reaction when i found out. They said, he does dont these things. No, hes coming. Im going to work out a fair amount between now and tomorrow. I dont want to be outmanned by brad pitt. Jon got to get your voice back. Stephen yeah, got to get that back. You know who else had a good weekend, donald trump. Jon oh. Stephen yeah. Over the weekend, trump gave a commencement speech at liberty university. Thats a first for him. Trump university speeches are usually given as depositions. applause thats a solid joke. And it wouldnt be a trump speech if he didnt start by bragging about how many people showed up to see him. The inspiring legacy that we see all around us in this great stadium this is a beautiful stadium and it is packed. Im so happy about that. I said, how are you going to fill up a place like that . it is packed, jerry. Stephen does everything with this guy have to be about crowd size . Of course, that stadium was packed with graduates. Its graduation laughter i dont want to burst your bubble, but youre the opening act for a piece of paper. laughter and trump had some solid, generic words of wisdom. Remember this, nothing worth doing ever, ever, ever came easy. Stephen great advice from a guy who just got an honorary degree. laughter and he had some sage advice for the graduates as they step into the adult world. A small group of failed voices, who think they know everything and understand everyone, want to tell everybody else how to live and what to do and what to think. But you arent going to let other people tell you what you believe, especially when you know that youre right. We dont need a lecture from washington on how to lead our lives. Stephen right. Now enjoy this lecture from the president , whos in from washington today, on how to lead your lives. laughter applause thats fair. Jon yeah, hes telling em. Stephen then trump wrapped things up with a graduatelevel demonstration of how to pad a speech by rambling about the football schedule with University PresidentJerry Falwell junior. Just wait until the world hears the football teams youll be playing on your schedule starting next season. President falwell gave me a list of some of those schools, the ones youre going to be playing 2018. Would you like me to read the names, just came out . Umass. Virginia. Auburn jerry, are you sure you know what youre doing . Rutgers. Old dominion. Brigham young. Army. I might be at that game. Who am i supposed to root for . Tell me. I dont know. Thats a tough one, jerry. I dont know, jerry. Im have to think about that one, jerry. Buffalo. Troy. Virginia tech. Oh, no, jerry, ole miss. And wake forest. Those are really top schools. Stephen whats that, jerry . I have to keep talking . Okay. Heres a list of football teams youre not playing next year. Ohio state, michigan, the new England Patriots that would be crazy, right jerry . Who would we root for if we did that . What else we got here, this weeks lunch menu mac n cheese, tater tots, carrot coins love that, jerry im now going to guess what all your names are. Is there a bill . A william . A willard . Is there a jerry . I know theres a jerry. Dont tell me theres not a jerry, jerry. Its crazy. Its crazy. But be good. Do good stuff. laughter but at least the president provided a moment of hope for the future. There may very well be a president or two in our midst. Anybody think theyre going to be president , raise your hand. Stephen great anyone willing to start today . laughter band playing well be right back with Danny Mcbride. cheers and applause we are told the pyramids were built to be tombs. What was that . But the truth is. Theyre prisons. Theres writing on the mummys coffin. A warning of plagues. Unlike anything weve ever seen. You have no idea, mr. Morton. What you have unleashed. Rated pg13. Experience it in imax. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. This clean was like pow everything well . My teeth are glowing. They are so white. Step 1 cleans. Step 2 whitens. Crest [hd]. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening a i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. 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The most common side effects of viberzi include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. Stay ahead of ibsd with viberzi. The explosion and fire killed eight people. Pg e was convicted of six felony charges including five violations of the u. S. Pipeline safety act and obstructing an ntsb investigation. Pg e was fined, placed under an outside monitor, given five years of probation, and required to perform 10,000 hours of community service. We are deeply sorry. We failed our customers in san bruno. While an apology alone will never be enough, actions can make pg e safer. And thats why weve replaced hundreds of miles of gas pipeline, adopted new Leak Detection technology that is onethousand times more sensitive, and built a stateoftheart gas operations center. We can never forget what happened in san bruno. Thats why were working every day to make pg e the safest Energy Company in the nation. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my first guest from comedies like eastbound and down and tropic thunder. His new movie, alien covenant is a little different. Weve got company hat . eve got company, other side of the ship open the door hold tight im starting my climb hold on ahhh stephen please welcome Danny Mcbride cheers and applause band playing oh, wow cheers and applause stephen that was fantastic. That was fantastic. Its a little funny space comedy. Stephen yeah. Just like the normal stuff i do. Stephen ive got a little cold today. You want a little of this action. laughter im such a big fan of yours, i cant believe im here. Stephen really . Im a huge fan of yours. I saw you in tropic thunder. I thought, who is that . Pineapple express. I have a bone to pick with you about vice principals. Tell me about it. Stephen vice principals shoots in charleston, south carolina, in the county