Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170412

Behave Birth Control turns women into werewolves. Mmm little known fact, the words corporate media, globalist and pancakes are all just different ways to say jewish. laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes Bryan Cranston Audra Mcdonald and comedian greer barnes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey hows it going . cheers and applause well, thank you very much thanks, everybody youre too kind welcome to the late show im your host Stephen Colbert happy first day of spring the birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and the neighbors are yelling for me to turn down my nature sounds c. D. laughter now, if youre in the northeast, it may not feel like spring, since its still pretty chilly today, though, just a few weeks ago, it was in the 60s. God, i wish it was winter again so i could wear shorts. laughter you cant tell. Jon yeah, you never know. Stephen of course, last week trump released his first budget. Theyre calling it a hard power budget because it features a 54billionincrease in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, trump is cutting everything else. Like the corporation for public broadcasting which funds pbs. audience boos look, look, i know. But trumps a real estate developer. It was only a matter of time before he put up condos on sesame street. cheers and applause trump is also can you tell me how to get how to get to sesame street you cant. Its gone. laughter one of these things is not like the others one of these things was cut from the budget laughter Donald Trumps also eliminating the National Endowment for the arts and the National Endowment for the humanities. audience boos i am not surprised, because hes jealous of anyone who is well endowed. laughter plus, trumps slashing the e. P. A. s budget by 31 . audience boos and the great lakes restoration initiative, which fights Invasive Species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 . If youre not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesheating hell beast from your worst nightmares. laughter or as steve bannon calls it, my mentor. applause this budget jon get off, get off stephen this budget is so ruthless, its cutting funding for meals on wheels. Really . audience boos really . Cutting meals on wheels . That isnt just heartless, its bad marketing. You always stick with things that rhyme. Meals on wheels crack is whack hop on pop two buck chuck avoid the noid be kind, rewind this Program Provides elderly shutins just minimal nutrition and a scrap of human dignity. What kind of heartless monster could be against that . Colbert did someone say fiscal conservative . cheers and applause stephen oh, say hello to my conservative pundit colleague, Stephen Colbert. Hey, stephen, how are you . Colbert hello, nation. Stay strong. Be brave. Stephen now, just to be clear, stephen, you are not the character i used to play from my old show, are you . Because i really wouldnt want colbert that cuck . I could not be more different. Heres the difference his favorite sandwich is a b. L. T. Okay . I like a t. L. B. The b stands for balls. Its delicious, put it in your mouth. laughter stephen good to know. So whats so important that you had break into my show just now . Because i was doing a monologue. Colbert oh, believe me, stephen, i have Better Things to do out here in the woods. Ive been hunting the most dangerous game. Stephen youre hunting humans . Colbert no, bears have you forgotten so soon . They are godless killing machines, all right . Besides, humans are out of season. No, stephen, im here because America Needs me. Plus, i wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself on network tv with your misguided analysis of trumps budget. Stephen oh, you think you can do better . Colbert do better . My middle name is do. Stephen okay, well, then. I guess the stage is yours. Ladies and gentleman, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause colbert woo yeah, lets go over here. cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you, nation jon, youre a good man jon yes, indeed audience chanting stephen cheers and applause colbert thank you, everybody. Thank you, nation. You know, folks, trumps budget is getting heat because its supposedly cruel to old people for no reason. When, in fact, theyve got a very good reason. And that brings us to tonights werd cheers and applause screw unto others. Now, you heard the guy who normally sits here moaning about these cuts to meals on wheels, but that guy, hes a wellknown grandma hugger. laughter people are saying that this budget lacks compassion, but white house budget director and 49yearold temp Mick Mulvaney knows that its just the opposite. I think its probably one of the most compassionate things we can do to actually cutting programs that help the elderly youre only focusing on half the equation, right . Youre focusing on recipients of the money. Were trying to focus on both the recipients of the money and the folks who give us the money in the first place. Colbert yes, you cant just focus on helping the needy and forget the people whose taxes pay for it. Thats like praying for the accident victim who needed a transfusion and forgetting about the guy whos Walking Around a pint light now. Give the guy a cookie. laughter now, mulvaney had to cut meals on wheels because they failed to meet their objectives. Yes its called meals on wheels, but how often do you see a hamburger driving down the highway . laughter now folks, i know what youre saying they did meet their objective, stephen. They brought food to the elderly. Well, technically, yes, greg. And we all know what happens to food after we eat it. We are literally throwing money down the toilet. laughter and meals on wheels started in 1972. Now, i havent checked the stats, but im pretty sure all of those people are dead now. laughter besides, think about this mulvaney said, the primary goal of trumps budget is not driving cheetos to grandpa after he gets the munchies from his glaucoma pot, okay . Its defending america. laughter and these foodaddicted seniors havent killed any members of isis. If we want to keep america safe, why waste money on meals on wheels that could be used on Weapons Systems . laughter now, a lot of people say that mulvaney is being cruel to old people. Thats not fair. Hes also being cruel to young people. laughter because heres the deal this budget also cuts after School Lunch Programs for poor kids, but again, for a very good reason. Theyre supposed to be educational programs, right . Thats what theyre supposed to do, theyre supposed to help kids who cant who dont get fed at home, get fed so they do better in school. Guess what . Theres no demonstrable evidence theyre actually doing that. Theres no demonstrable evidence that theyre actually helping results, helping kids do better in school. Colbert yes, why feed children if they arent doing better in school . Take the food away, and maybe theyll be hungry for knowledge. laughter and remember, mulvaneys not doing this to be mean, hes looking out for taxpayers. I think its fairly compassionate to go to them and say, look, were not going to ask you for your hardearned money, anymore. Single mom of two in detroit, okay . Colbert good point, mick. I, for one, wouldnt want to be the fella who has to tell a single mom of two in detroit, im sorry, maam, but im afraid were going to feed your children. laughter the only thing that worries me is that this isnt actually a budget. You see, this is just the president s wish list. And Mick Mulvaney is just trumps magical monkey paw. laughter congress are the only ones who can make a budget. So my real worry here is that a lot of people might go to www. House. Gov and find out how to call their congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people, and that could derail applause because if they do that, if they called congress and did that, that could derail all of Donald Trumps compassion. And that might upset that lonely old man. Upset him so much that he just becomes a shutin. Stays in the white house, doesnt even eat, and someone has to bring him a meal. laughter and thats the werd. cheers and applause that other guys got a great show for you tonight. Bryan cranston is here. And after the commercial break, theres going to be puppies. Real puppies. So stick around. Well be right back cheers and applause take on the mainstream. Introducing nissans new midnight edition. Starbucks narino 70 cold brew coffee. 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With nexium 24hr. cheers and applause stephen yeah welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right now cheers and applause right there oh, oh folks, i got to tell you, there is no mistaking a monday crowd. Thats it right here, theyre alive on the planet. Folks, you know im a huge animal lover. Thats why i do whatever i can to help out all the worlds creatures that i dont want to eat. laughter we recently did an immensely popular segment, where aubrey plaza and i tried to help find some adorable rescue dogs a home by telling you, the audience, some enticing lies about these puppies. laughter and heres something that is not a lie every single puppy featured in that segment ended up successfully adopted cheers and applause all of them thats it well, you know what . I would love to do that again sometime. If only there was another beloved celebrity who wanted to help rescue a bunch of puppies by lying about them. Did someone say Bryan Cranston . cheers and applause cheers and applause did you say Bryan Cranston . Stephen i cant tell. I cant tell at this point. cheers and applause yeah, bryan. Bryan. I had no idea that you were coming out here. Really . Its been booked for weeks. laughter stephen now that youre here, bryan, its time for another episode of rescue dog rescue cheers and applause welcome to rescue dog rescue. Quick reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Bryan, are you ready to get these guys a good home . No, stephen. Im ready to get these guys a great home cheers and applause stephen lets begin. Who do we have here, do we have the first puppy . Excellent oh audience reacts here we go oh hello this is grace, okay . If you have kids, grace is the puppy for you. Grace has the ability to sing the entire soundtrack to the 2010 disney hit movie tangled. Grace also knows all the lyrics to let it go from the movie frozen but will not sing it. cheers and applause oh, thats sweet. This is sterling. audience reacts yeah. You say, oh, now, but sterling is getting his life back together. Hes sober now. laughter but dont worry because he still loves to party. Party animal, which means youll always have a designated driver. Plus, because of his club days, he can get you anything you need. laughter but none for you, right . Right . Thats the old sterling. Right . Stay strong. Stephen who do we have here . This is columbus. audience reacts columbus is a very good wait a second, this is a cat no, no cats, no. laughter get him the hell out of here dogs only, no loving home for you, cat no no maybe conan will help you, not me another one. Dog. Dog. Wow. Stephen youve got to be firm. There are rules. Its rescue dog rescue, bryan. There are rules. Okay. Stephen this is scout. Scout is a hound mix who loves french cinema but, more importantly, this dog isnt a total dick about it. laughter scout can actually open your eyes to the value of godards work without making you feel small. Also, four legs perfect number for a dog. laughter who do we have here . Who do we have . Here we go. Aww. This is ginger. Ginger has benjamin button disease and memento disease. So every time you see her, shell be even cuter, and more excited to meet you for the first time. laughter and say howdy to poppy. Poppy, here are you . There you are, poppy oh, come on, poppy look at this mwah now, poppy is whats known as a norwegian wishing dog. And she only has one wish left, but it worked out pretty well for her previous owner, Lin Manuel Miranda cheers and applause stephen okay. Who do we have here . Oh, oh hey, cutie. This here is lady. Hi, lady lady is a hound mix that is also in show business. Currently, shes working as the second unit director on game of thrones laughter which means lady knows all the spoilers from season seven who dies . Whos the one who dies . Oh, but i loved himorher no ah and this, this is brody. Hi, brody. Come on, buddy. Oh, come on, brody. Thats it. Now, brody cant confirm that he was part of the mission that killed bin laden. laughter but lets just say that hes well traveled. Thank you for your service. laughter stephen and who do we have here . Whos up next . All right. Who do we have here . Oh we have an adorable puppy. applause we have an adorable puppy. This is columbus. And columbus has a note and the note say, i am a puppy, not a kitten in a puppy costume. Well, that checks out. Which means columbus is also available for adoption whos a good doggy . Yes, you are so head to the late shows website www. Colbertlateshow. Com the dogs are all fine. Pay no attention to the yelling. 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Thats why were working every day to make pg e the safest Energy Company in the nation. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning actor you know as walter white, dalton trumbo, and president lyndon johnson. Please welcome one of the finest, most distinguished actors of our generation, Bryan Cranston cheers and applause Bryan Cranston, everybody cheers and applause good to see you, stephen. Stephen bryan, good to have you here. Nice to be back. laughter stephen yeah, you know even just reading the introduction there, im just struck by what an extraordinary um what an extraordinary roster of work youve put up there. I mean, you always approach everything with just such tremendous heart and emotional honesty and a true a true core of truth. Well, thank you thank you, stephen. I do try to approach each character with a level of dignity and laughter stephen bryan, you look like youre having a little trouble with the helmet. Do you want to take the helmet off . I would really love to. laughter stephen okay. But i dont know how. laughter stephen let me give you a hand. I think theres a little latch right here. Hold on just a second. Hold on. Ow, ow, ow cheers and applause thank you. Stephen there you go, there you go. Thank you, stephen. Stephen now, this takes me to my first question, which is, youre in is it sabans Power Rangers. Yes, sabans Power Rangers. Stephen which power ranger . What makes you ask that question . laughter stephen oh, i saw an ad. Oh, yeah right, yeah. Stephen very proud of you. Its looking very good. Stephen which power ranger are you playing . Well, im not a power ranger per se. I play a character named zordon, which is a disembodied head in the walls of a ship, which, you know, is very common. laughter stephen im just curious why the red power ranger outfit, then . Well, ive always wanted to be a ranger. laughter stephen okay. All right. We have i think we have a clip of you as zordon here. You do . Stephen do we happen to know whats happening in this clip . I dont know. I think its when i first meet these new rangers. Stephen okay. Who are not yet working as a team and thats what they will need to do in order to save the universe. Stephen lets find out. Jim. You mean to tell me that the fate of the universe is placed in the hands of these children . Theyre teenagers, somewhere between infancy and full maturity. Its hard to explain really, i dont show me the coins. The morphing grid is never wrong. If the power coins have returned to the ship with these teenagers, then these teenagers are the Power Rangers. Okay, quick question. Did i just hear you say were Power Rangers . Yes, yes, you are the Power Rangers. Any other questions . No, i think im good. Good. Wow. Stephen wow. cheers and applause wow. So, um. You are a floating head. Yeah. Stephen did you, how youre a method actor. How do you prepare to play a floating head inside a space ship . I first severed a head laughter stephen not your own. Not my own. Um, you know, you approach a character the same way, whether youre doing Something Like this in a fantasy sequence, or Historical Context or something. Stephen but im guessing that in this one you mostly did voiceover and were allowed to keep your sweat pants on the entire time. Thats not the reason i took the job, stephen, if thats what youre laughter stephen im just saying, you probably didnt have to wear pants when you did this one. Well, youre right. When i did just the head, i was nude from the i have a nudity clause in every contract. laughter but its the opposite of what you think. I have to be naked all the time. laughter stephen now, you are not new to the universe of Power Rangers, i understand, because, back in the 90s, before you were the great Bryan Cranston, you were working actor Bryan Cranston, and i understand that we have a clip here of you as one of the monsters in the 1990s. Yes stephen this is youre playing snizzard. laughter jim, do we need to set up the scene . Its noting to snizzer at, but, its, um stephen jim . Now you will feel the full power of the zapper apple mmm you wont get away with this goodbye, power ranger ahhh cheers and applause stephen you were snizzard, you were the monster there . I played a bunch of different monsters when the show first came over to the states from japan. They needed to dub it into english, and i played a lot of the monsters, because even at 23, i think, when i did it, my voice was rather low, so i would say low voice you will not defeat me slibbidy dee, slibbidy do. laughter he would always have some kind of rhyme. I shall slice off your toe or whatever. Stephen can i feel your hands . Are you sweaty in there . No, im actually very comfortable. Stephen really . Yeah. I can control my own body temperature. laughter stephen oh, wow. Just through a thought process. Stephen thats incredible. Im going to drop it five degrees. laughter there. Stephen can you stop your heart, too . I can stop my heart, and so can my wife. audience reacts stephen well, this is not the first time laughter okay. The reason i ask, youre comfortable in the outfit. I am comfortable, yes. Stephen youre comfortable in outfits a lot because we found another clip from when you were younger. laughter the one thing i love about you is you always approach all your parts with tremendous dignity. Well, ive kept that as a promise to myself. Once i get in, ill approach everything i do from that dignified point of view. I dont want to do anything that could embarrass me. Stephen um, jim . He had a problem. People noticed. And one day he noticed. Thats when i found out about shield deodorant soap. Unlike ordinary soap, shield keeps you smelling fresh and clean all day long. cheers and applause hey, youre a changed man shield works long after ordinary soaps dont. Damn you, colbert damn you cheers and applause stephen thats a pretty sexy skunk thats a pretty sexy skunk thats a sexy pungent skunk stephen man, how old were you when you were doing that . I was, like, 25. Stephen isnt it amazing when youre younger how excited you must have been so excited to get that part. I was absolutely beside myself. Stephen i couldnt get arrested to make commercials when i was younger. I would have killed for that commercial yeah, i know. Stephen because you can pay rent now, youre in new york right now shooting something with kevin hart called the untouchables right here. Oh, i dont know if you stephen whats going on in this photo right here. I dont know if you should stephen we can show this. What is happening in this photo right here . Well, you know, there are stephen the name of the film is untouchable. laughter whats going on . And. Career. Stephen the dignity parade continues. Out the window um, well, you know, from time to time there are things you can do on the set to energize the crew or just being by energized. Stephen ive never sprung this on my crew yet. laughter what are you waiting for . and kevin hart is a good sport. He took it the wrong way. So laughter stephen youre also, i understand that youre going to be doing an adaptation a stage adaptation of network in london. Yes. Stephen who are you playing . For those of you who havent seen it, its a tremendous, a prophetic film from 1974 about what happens to network news and what happens to sort of american culture. And paddy cheyefsky wrote it as a satire back in the day and now doesnt seem so satirical. Stephen i showed i actually just watched it three weeks ago with my 15yearold son and he said, i thought you said this was a comedy. laughter he said, seriously, i dont understand the joke, this is what tv is like. Yeah, its very potent and will resonate with todays audiences. Im doing it in london at the national theatre, and im very excited. I play howard biehl, im mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore stephen wow, i think people are ready i think people are ready to yell that again. I think so, yeah. Stephen are you guys ready to yell that again . Im mad as hell cheers and applause stephen wait. Im mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore. One, two, three im mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore cheers and applause stephen yeah. Well, thats good so, by the graciousness of the late show and Stephen Colbert, he has invited this entire audience to come over to london at the end of the year stephen im paying. To see my play. Stephen im paying. Youre paying. Hes paying. Stephen thats a tv promise. Thats a tv promise. Stephen sabans Power Rangers is in theaters this friday. The great Bryan Cranston, everybody cheers and applause well be right back with Audra Mcdonald. cheers and applause then we wad it up to make it nice and soft. But grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Mmm, cushiony. And we can use less. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Remember, thats charmin in there. No wasteful wadding we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Folks, my next guest is a tony, emmy, and grammywinning triple threat who uses all of those talents to play a wardrobe in the new beauty and the beast. Meet madame garderobe, a great singer when she can stay awake. The beauty yawns stay with us, madame we have someone for you to dress finally a woman pretty eyes proud face perfect canvas yes i will find you Something Worthy of a princess. Oh, well, im not a princess. Nonsense now, lets see what ive got in my drawers oh how embarrassing stephen please welcome Audra Mcdonald cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hello. cheers and applause hello, you lovely creature. Nice to see you again. Its nice to see you lovely creature yourself. Stephen the last time you were here about a year ago, right . Yes. Stephen you were here, you were about the take off and go to london to perform in the west end. Yeah. Stephen to do a Billie Holiday show, lady day at emersons bar and grill. Yes. cheers and applause stephen how did that go . It was a beautiful show. How did they like it in england . Um, i didnt quite get there. Uh, i got pregnant. laughter its okay. Im married, its okay. Stephen its okay even if you werent. Even if you werent. But i was supposed to do it and lo and behold at my ripe old age i got pregnant so i had a baby instead. Stephen oh, congratulations. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen thats a whole other opening. Yeah. Oh, my god stephen so, boy or a girl . A little girl, sally jane, shes four months old. Stephen is this your first child, second child . My second child. My first child is 16. laughs stephen oh, wow, so you have a builtin baby sitter. Yes, thats the best part. Stephen thats fantastic. I have a sister who is 16 years older than i am. Are you guys close . Stephen yeah, kind of like a second mom, its very nice. My sister mary, yeah. Aww. Stephen so wow, okay, you seem very chipper and fresh for somebody with a little baby. Because their yeah, theyre a lot. They are tiring, indeed. Stephen yeah. You know, but i sort of feel like im blessed enough to have this one and im just going to enjoy it even though, you know, it it wrecks you a little bit but it blows you up in ways that you never thought possible. Stephen but youre working through it in interesting ways. Uh, show this little theres a tweet which i love. This is true motherhood, i believe. You tweeted this. You just i dont know when you did this, but you just tweeted this, you just said i just spilled grits on my babys foot, then ate said grits from said foot, motheroftheyear. cheers and applause how did this. Did the baby step in the grits . What happened . Believe it or not, i was nursing the baby while i was trying to eat grits. I was in the south doing a concert, and the grits were so good, i was going to eat every last bit of it. And im trying to nurse her, im eating it, and the last little bit of it landed on her foot and i was like, i want those grits. laughter so while i was nursing her, i just lifted her foot and laughter and i thought stephen thats better than a spoon. This is multitasking and also sort of embarrassing and i had to confess. Which is why i went to twitter, to confess. Just as tasty with a little bit of foot on them. Stephen the dangerous thing about eating grits off a babys foot is there is not a ham hock in the world as juicy as that babys foot. laughter you just want to keep going. Exactly. Stephen its like foie gras. Well marbled. laughter it was worth it, its absolutely worth it. The grits were worth it. Stephen well, you had a very busy fall besides having a baby, you also received the National Medal of the arts. Okay, congratulations. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen what a singular honor. Because youre already lady tony, youve got six tonys. But National Medal of the arts is tremendous. When was it and did you go to the white house . Yes, i went to the white house and president obama awards the stephen i remember that guy cheers and applause yeah and i was hugely pregnant. I was due any day but i was not going to miss this chance to go, so i thought maybe ill give birth at the white house i dont know. Maybe thats whats going to happen today, i dont know. Stephen wow. And so its a very formal affair. I mean its lovely in the afternoon when you have the reception and all that stuff, but then it gets very formal when its time to present the medal. The president stands there holding the medal, and theres somebody from the military guard who reads a citation about you, and theres about 20 people who are getting the award. And so we were lined up in whos supposed to get the award next. So the person on this side of me goes up and gets his award. And im thinking, okay, you can do this, you can walk up there with your big old belly. And then he skips to the guy on the other side of me. I thought, okay. And then after that, he went to the guy on the other side of that guy, and i kept thinking, maybe im not getting one. And president obama looked, he kept looking, hes like, we skipped her. Why are we skipping her . And they said, we dont have a citation for her. And i said stephen they lost the paperwork . They lost the paper. So president obama said, i know her, shes a friend of mine. Ill make up some stuff about her. So he was getting ready to make up some stuff about me. Im thinking, of course, my big moment and its just going really well. So finally, they find the paper, they run it up to the guy and he starts to read it. And then as i step up there im thinking, dont screw it up. And, you know, smile and shake mr. Obamas hand. And as hes shaking my hand he said, you just had to mess this up, didnt you . laughter stephen thank you so much for being here. Thank you. My pleasure. cheers and applause stephen beauty and the beast is in theaters now. The lovely and talented Audra Mcdonald, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by standup comedian greer barnes. Stick around cheers and applause to feel this special. You need to eat this special. I love it start your day with crunchy wholegrain flakes. And real strawberries. Special k. Eat special. Feel special. You know that feeling you get when you ride . Its like that, for your mouth. The refreshing citrus kick of mtn dew. Statake an extra 20 offls easter looks for you and your family. 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We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, my next guest is a regular of the comedy cellar here in new york, who recently made a notable appearance on hbos crashing. But we cant see eye to eye hey, man, you bumped me. What . Yeah, you bumped me, took my spot. See, im supposed to do colbert tomorrow night. If i have a bad set on colbert tomorrow, youre going to be halfway to an ass whooping. Stephen please welcome greer barnes cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you. I guess ill get right into it. Um, i dont like walking up behind white women at night. laughter makes me really uncomfortable, so i cross the street. laughter and in the hood, you walk with your head down. Thats how you do it. Youre in the hood. Soon as you get in the house youre, like, whoo i made it laughter i better call my mom. Hi, mommy yeah, i made it yeah, love you, too. Byebye. So a couple of night ago, im walking home. Ive got my beats going i dont have no headphones, just beats going laughter and im walking voicing beats uhoh, white woman. laughter i better cross the street. voicing beats uhoh, another white woman. laughter so now im walking in the middle of the street, which makes it look even more creepy. laughter almost like, which one of these women . laughter then theres the cab driver honking in indian accent get out of the street, brother im, like, vishnu, there are white women all over the place. in indian accent holy crap, get in laughter cheers and applause and he drives me to safety. laughter and hes, like, brother, when walking at night, you have to be very careful. These policemen and white women are very dangerous, brother. You have to take care of yourself, denzel. laughter thats not my name. laughter i know a lot of you white women are looking at me, like, oh, my god, i didnt know you guys felt that way laughter so im seeing white women talking to black guys on the street, like, its okay, you can walk behind me. This is america, you shouldnt feel that way. Rawwr im kidding. Why are you running . laughter if i was a white woman, i would rob black dudes. laughter id walk up to the black guy and, like, hi, my name is sarah, give me your wallet. laughter sarah . Thats my grandmommas name. Give me your wallet or im gonna scream. Wait a minute here, sarah laughter theres a couple white women in here who are like, we could actually do that. I mean, i hate to say it, but whos gonna believe him . laughter ill be explaining it to an officer yeah, she was about this tall, she had brown hair, brown eyes, i think she did yoga. laughter and she ran in that direction. And you mean to tell me a man of your stature couldnt catch her. What do i look like chasing a white no, no, i couldnt catch her. laughter be an epidemic of white women robbing black dudes. White women would be waiting outside of black clubs, like, you have to come out some time laughter cheers and applause thank you. cheers and applause stephen his first comedy album, see what im saying is now available on itunes. Greer barnes, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause ,,,,,,,,,, cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ryan reynolds, josh lucas, andy daly, and musical guest green day. Now stick around for james corden. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org james tonight on the late, late show samuel l. Jackson and i re create his entire film career. Hold on to your butts laughter james plus january jones, music from sting, and it starts now. cheers and applause cheers and applause