And this team does not have a lot of black whales. So true and then coach took stock of where to put the blame. All of us. All of us. Myself included. We will need to reflect on how we got to this moment. What we could have done to do it better. Gary, what do you think they couldve done better . Well, they couldve not sucked. Instead they sucked so hard it would peel the chrome off a trailer hitch. But coach ryan stood by the performance of his star player. The president gave his all in this effort. He did everything he possibly could. Talking about the big man, power center donnie trump, known for his haphazard, lumbering style of play. Trump never seemed to be able to grasp the complexity of the game. Although, he was able to grasp the lady parts of cheerleaders. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes jane fonda and lily tom lynn, jay chandraseykhar and musical guest aimee mann, jon batiste and banned banned. Now leave from ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. It feels good to be back on this stage. Last week, we were off. We pretended we had new shows on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, but those were actually taped the week before. It was an illusion created by an evil genius so i could drink rum and you could watch march madness. So i hope you enjoyed that. applause go gamecocks but what a great time to be away from the show. Jon right, so Nothing Happened. Stephen Nothing Happened while i was gone, right . laughter oh, theres one thing the gop finally launched their Obamacare Repeal. I believe we have footage of that from last week. Im just a bill. Yes, im only a bill and im sitting here on capitol hill gunshot cheers and applause stephen oh wowwee laughter oh, no dont do it dont do it its just a cartoon, folks. Hes fine. Well, that did not go as planned. laughter theyre so sure they were going to get this this thing done that an antiobamacare pac ran a bunch of versions of this ad during basketball after the bill failed. Republicans are keeping their promise with a new plan for better healthcare. No more Big Government penalties or job killing mandates. Thank congressman greg walden. For keeping his promise and replacing the Affordable Care act with the better healthcare you deserve. Stephen they also ran this ad congratulating kansas for making it to the final four and printed a newspaper declaring dewey defeats healthcare reform. applause pro piano riff and the white house tried to get this through. There was full court press from trump and his people. They tried to swing their balls at members of the conservative freedom caucus, even summoning them to the white house where adviser and preexisting condition, steve bannon, told them this is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill. To which one of the members replied you know, the last time someone ordered me to do something, i was 18 years old. And it was my daddy. And i didnt listen to him either. cheers and applause no suh jon i do declare stephen and, so, i put my in that box of fire crackers and today im congressman custas sparky jones. So, on friday, lacking the votes they needed, they folded the Obamacare Repeal and placed it in the cabinet of broken republican dreams next to trickledown economics and a jesusshaped fighter jet that drops gay people on isis. cheers and applause that will get em. That will show em jon hey stephen they could not get the funding for that somehow. I dont understand. laughter so its a failure. So who does trump blame for this failure . We had no democrat support. We had no votes from the democrats. Stephen not enough votes to get a majority . That didnt stop you from becoming president. cheers and applause just work your magic just work your magic piano riff its almost like were living in some sort of democracy. So he blamed democrats and conservative republicans and moderate republicans. But there is one person trump doesnt blame. Heres a hint it rhymes with donald trump. laughter i never said i guess im here, what, 64 days. I never said repeal and replace obamacare. Youve all heard my speeches. I never said repeal it and replace it within 64 days. I have a long time. Stephen yeah, trump never said hed repeal obamacare in 64 days. He had a different time frame in mind. The first thing were going to do is repeal and replace obamacare. cheers and applause my first day in office, im going to ask congress to put a bill on my desk. We will immediately repeal and replace the disaster known as obamacare. Immediately repealing and replacing obamacare. Immediately, immediately repealing and replacing obamacare. Stephen immediately. cheers and applause immediately. Immediately. Day one, immediately. laughter so, i guess, technically, he didnt fail on friday. He failed two months ago. cheers and applause piano riff and after all his campaign promises, nothing its almost like you cant trust a fasttalking city slicker who rolls into town promising a magic solution to all our medical needs. Im starting to doubt the effectiveness of dr. Bannons antimuslim toad oil. laughter just rub it on. You just rub it on. Jon you just rub it on . Stephen youve got to get the muslim to hold still while you rub it on. But its not my product. I didnt say it worked. Just a sponsor. Just a sponsor. laughter trump also doesnt blame and this is very important paul ryan. Speaking of not blaming paul ryan, trump found time to make a tv recommendation, tweeting on saturday watch judgejeanine on foxnews tonight at 9 00 p. M. Well, thats interesting. I wonder what the show was about that night. Paul ryan needs to step down as speaker of the house. This bill didnt just fail. It failed when republicans had the house, the senate, the white house. And, speaker ryan, you come in with all your swagger and experience and you sell him a bill of goods. Based on what . . Your legislative expertise . What . Your drinks at the hayadams with your pals . Ryan has hurt you going forward, and hes got to go. Stephen but, first, someone give judge jeanine a ride home from the studio. laughter and, no, i dont know where her shoes are theyre under the couch applause so, he must want ryan gone, right, Reince Priebus . Does the president want paul ryan to resign as speaker . Well, first of all, i will go on record, we do love judge jeanine, and so does the president. I think it was more coincidental, chris. Oh, come on. Why would he say watch her and then thats the first thing because he loves judge jeanine, and he wanted to do judge jeanine a favor. I think this is more of a personal relationship, the president helping out a friend. Stephen yeah, just just helping out a friend. You shove ryans head in the toilet, ill stand by bathroom door and yell for everyone to come watch swirly. Immediately. applause well, if he likes judge jeanine, trumps going to love tonights episode of the late shows protrump news team, real news tonight. Welcome to real news tonight, im jim. And im jill news lady. Last weeks Republican Health care bill failed but not because of President Trump who is a good man. Great man. Very grad. Could be blamed on speaker of the house paul ryan. The weak boy who smells bad. Smells bad, is bad. We turned to sally blazerface. Sally. Paul ryan has gotta go. He came in here with his swagger and his swingin hips and promised to deliver a hot, juicy pile of health care, and he failed trump trusted him because of why . Because hes a goodtime boy palling around getting margaritas with all his pals. And i hate it when schumer and pelosi get to shake their lil maracas saying trump is no good because of paul ryan. Paul ryan failed republicans. Praipaul ryan says, i cant go o hooters anymore because i made the girls cry. Paul ryan says i have to drink water. Donald trump wouldnt do that. And, donald, you know what . If youre watching, i gotta tell you something wait, i want to talk to you stephen shes going to be fine. cheers and applause band playing stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Jane fonda and lily tomlin are here. But first, ill be over there talking about russia. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing hes got the cash. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. The birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. Let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees lifes as big as you make it. Introducing the allnew seven seater volkswagen atlas and a thing called love. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. We cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger. And you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. I bet you a buck hek catches this salt shaker. U. Youre on. Hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming. But when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor is easy. Unitedhealthcare ive been with ive been retired for 11. S. One day my wife came home and said, youre driving me crazy. So, i figured ok, well as much coffee as i drink in my life starbucks was a logical place to work. When i first heard of cold brew i was like, we got iced coffee, why are we doing this . Until i drank it. Cold brew, you coarse grind it. And let it sit for 20 hours in cold water. It really is very smooth. Im hooked. I love it. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human right there welcome back welcome back cheers and applause so good to be back. Jon real good to be back. Woo cheers and applause stephen listen, john, these people are excited. Im very excited tonight. Im very excited. Just a minute well have jane fonda and lily tomlin sitting over here. Jay yeah, yeah cheers and applause stephen i have made out with one of them. Jon i remember that. Stephen dont give it away well find out. Dont tell my wife laughter so whats going on . Washington is a mess right now, but thats going to end soon because the white house Just Announced that trumps soninlaw and leader of the preppy camp across the lake, jared kushner, will oversee a broad effort to overhaul the federal government. And the government desperately needs overhaul. Somebody keeps putting totally unqualified people in charge of really important stuff. Thats gotta stop cheers and applause kushner will become the head of something called the office of american innovation. Vague. But better than the original title, the bureau of obvious nepotism. laughter kushners job will be to lead a team to fix government with Business Ideas. You know he has great Business Ideas like being born into a wealthy real estate family. Or marrying into a wealthy real estate family. Why hasnt the government tried that . laughter the new office will be staffed by former business executives, and is being described as a swat team of strategic consultants. Alpha niner, there is a budget redundancy in the bureau of weights and measures, kick in the door and shoot anything that moves laughter but kushner has a bold vision for the office, saying, the government should be run like a Great American company. And if they cant do that, like a trump company. laughter applause piano riff you can go bankrupt. Kushner went on to explain, our hope is that we can achieve successes and efficiencies for our customers, who are the citizens. Hold it a second. Were not customers. Were citizens. Which means we own the stomplet you work for us, buddy. cheers and applause okay . And i gotta say i gotta say, while were on the subject, break time is over. Weve got a clean up in aisle five. Somebody took a dump in healthcare. So get the mop and go deal with that. Okay . No smoking. But ill say this, if youre going to reshape the entire United States government, you want someone who can really focus on it. Luckily, the only other jobs trump has given kushner are managing the dispute with mexico over trumps border wall, and brokering mideast peace. laughter ok, thats a little much for one family member. Maybe they should give peace in the middle east to tiffany. applause yeah, there you go. That will take care of it. Of course, jared will still have time for his hobbies like testifying before the Senate Intelligence committee on the Trump Campaigns ties to russia. Well not if he overhauls the government first. Business idea 1 no senate. laughter applause well just try it well just try it lets just run it up the flag pole and see if anybody indicts me. laughter because there is one other small story i wasnt here to tell you about last week. The fbi is investigating the Trump Campaign for colluding with russia during the election you know it was a busy news week when im only getting to the treason at 11 56. 11 58. applause is that right . 12 02 . Last monday, fbi director james comey said this about an investigation thats been going on since july. The fbi, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the russian governments efforts to interfere in the 2016 president ial election, and that includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump Campaign and the russian government. Stephen wow the fbi is investigating the president for colluding with a foreign power. That is historic the only way it would be more historic if you had told us before the bleep election cheers and applause i know you were busy checking out the whole hillary email thing, but it would have been nice cheers and applause the Trump Administration denies there was any coordination between their campaign and the russians. Instead, trump thinks the fbi needs to change the focus of the investigation, tweeting, the real story that congress, the fbi and all others should be looking into is the leaking of classified information. Must find leaker now what . What . Do i hear you correctly . Youre mad that we found out what was happening . With russia. Thats like saying, stop looking for the burglars, i want to know who installed the alarm system. What did adt know and when did they know it . Sloman, you cant hide behind that shield forever. cheers and applause one guy under a lot of suspicion is former trump advisor and man who bought a ferrari with his aunts Social Security checks, Paul Manafort, who, in the past, has been paid 13 million by prorussian agents in ukraine. But White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer says its no big deal. Theres been discussion of Paul Manafort who played a very limited role for a very limited amount of time. Stephen played a very limited role for a very limited amount of time. Yeah, manafort was only the campaigns chairman and chief strategist. He didnt have an important job like soninlaw. laughter well be right back with jane fonda and lily tomlin. cheers and applause band playing im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Also in kids chewables. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. All while reducing americas emissions. cheers and applause its a Family Affair its a Family Affair stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, between the two of them, my next guests have two oscars, eight emmys, a grammy, two tonys, and some workout tapes. laughter they now star in the Netflix Series grace and frankie. Grace i am a private person. You are the least private person in the world first time i met you, you pulled off your shirt and said, do these things look right to you . Look, i havent had time to tell you because my whole life has been working with you and sleeping with jacob. This is why we need more coffee breaks. I have been there for every should i and shouldnt i with you two. How could you leave me hanging now . I dont know, you made such a big deal out of sex and the vagina, and it is a big deal. Having a pair of scissors on the bedside table just doesnt set the right tone. Stephen please welcome jane fonda and lily tomlin. cheers and applause band playing thank you so much for being here. Thank you for inviting us. Stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you again. Stephen how have you been . Good, you know. I have been great, i have been fantastic. Stephen not a contest, but lily seems