For instance, i heard president obama tapped your phones. Just tweet that and the hounds are off your trail obama i knew he was up to no good how low has president obama gone to tap my phones during the big sacred election process . This is nixon watergate. Bad. Boom donald, stop abe maam lincoln . Dont listen to nixon he was the one who tapped the phones in watergate. Shut up, abe dont you have tickets to the theater tonight . Donald, nixon had to resign for lying. Oh, damn it president lincoln is right. Donald, you dont want to end up like me. To paraphrase myself, i am a crook but the rumors about you and the russians are just spooky just admit what happened, donald fake ghost news somebody help das vedana who will you be calling . Vlad putin its the shore with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes Anderson Cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey whoo jon hey stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause audience chanting stephen hey, thanks, everybody thank you, mark piano riff whoo cheers and applause yeah welcome to the late show thanks so much, everybody youre very kind. Very kind. Thank you very much listen cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Lovely. Yeah stay strong, be brave look folks, im not going to lie to you, this is the late show and im Stephen Colbert. laughter last week, i dont know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big boy speech in front of Congress Long pants and everything. I was afraid hed sold the timeshare in crazytown. Well, hes baaack laughter cheers and applause man, things are moving so fast. I think i need a dramamine. I watched the sunday shows yesterday and alternated between weeping and vomiting, like someone made me chug dayquil and strapped me in a tiltawhirl. Get into this industrial dryer and well throw in a couple of floorescent tubes for you. Here, enjoy it for those of you who missed it, saturday morning while he was in florida, out of nowhere, trump tweeted terrible just found out that obama had my wires tapped in trump tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is mccarthyism laughter and just like that, the white house had to reset their sign back to zero. laughter applause so sad. Theyd gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record. And this tweet was sent at 6 35 a. M. Who wakes up that furious . Somebody give this guy a xanax or a bran muffin. Or a bran muffin stuffed with xanax. A branax. Next, he tweeted how low has president obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is nixon watergate. Wait, you said this was mccarthyism. Now its nixonwatergate . Pick your historical analogy this is the pearl harbor of hindenburg Great Depression ddays finale of lost. applause and he must have been proud of this tweet because its the first one he ever signed bad or sick guy laughter couldnt have said it better myself, sir. laughter this is a serious allegation and you know that trump takes it seriously because his next tweet was Arnold Schwarzenegger isnt voluntarily leaving the apprentice, he was fired by his bad pathetic ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show. Thats right, first he alleges a scandal worse than watergate, then he immediately goes after schwarzenegger. Its like if deep throat told woodward and Bernstein Nixon is a criminal. Oh, and the 6 million man isnt real, its all done with slow motion. laughter those are his real legs its not a machine now, the obama people say they never wiretapped trump. Heres former Obama Press Secretary josh earnest. This may come as some surprise to the current occupant of the oval office, but the president of the United States does not have the authority to unilaterally order the wiretapping of an american citizen. Stephen oh really, josh. Well, ill have you know a lot of things come as a surprise to donald trump. The first amendment, object permanence, the fact that ben carson isnt the guy from family matters. laughter hes not, right . What about stefan . Jon Stefan Colbert stephen need more no proof . Heres former director of National Intelligence and sentient testicle james clapper. There was no such wiretap activity mounted against the president elect at the time, or as a candidate, or against his campaign. Stephen if anything, weve been trying to think of ways we can hear trump less. The nsa is working on some trumpcanceling earphones. laughter applause faced with these denials, trump has not produced a shred of evidence. So where did trump get his info . From the cia . From the fbi . Out of his ass . laughter cheers and applause its a fine year, would you like to keep the cork . laughter well, apparently, it came from right wing radio host and unlicensed gynecologist, mark levin, who ranted about these wiretaps on his radio show. It was then written up by breitbart as mark levin to Congress Investigate obamas silent coup versus trump. Its the worst kind of coup silent but deadly. laughter so faced with zero evidence, the trump team did the only logical thing and called for an investigation. Secretary and man using a coupon on his first date, sean spicer, took to twitter to demand that the intelligence committees in Congress Investigate trumps charges, adding neither the white house nor the president will comment further until such oversight is conducted. So now theyre not going to comment on the bad thing they made up . Mr. Johnson, you have herpes, or at least you might we havent run any tests yet. No further comment. laughter and the craziest thing about trump calling for an investigation without any evidence is that it actually worked. Congress is going to investigate trumps wiretapping claim. So thats it. From now on, we have to take all of trumps allegations seriously. Just heard bad or sick obama hiding under my bed. Oboogeyman applause that is scary. That is spooky. Jon wow, hiding under the bed . Stephen yeah. Jon whoo stephen so why did trump do it . Apparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, Jeff Sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. So trumps staff did whatever they could to calm him down. One white house official even said, they tried to put trump in a better mood by going over their implementation plans for the travel ban. Look at the shiny travel baaannnn piano riff cheers and applause does this big angry man want to split up some muslim families . I see a smile i see a smile laughter i hope he doesnt think im speaking arabic right now. nonsensical noises im not. But it turns out that nobodys better at pleasuring trump than himself. Because after his obama tweetstorm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. Well, we want to do our part to make the man with the Nuclear Codes calm, so my news channel, real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations. Welcome to real news tonight. Our top story, incredibly true allegations about barack obama. Trump used his giant brain to figure out the fake president obama illegally wire tapped the very famous trump tower, like a sick pervert. A loser move. Thats right. In a scandal everyone is calling watergate times a million, say it proves the crime was committed by obama, a muslim born in space. Bad. The wiretaps didnt find anything incriminating if you were worried. Trump is so, so good. Yeah, so very good. Next, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very small penis. cheers and applause stephen thats real news jon thats real news. Stephen they couldnt say that. We have a big show tonight. When we get back, ill explain russia problems. Stick around if your sneezes are a force to be reckoned with. You may be muddling through allergies. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. spank did you just spank your lunch . Yeah. spank devour. Food you want to fork. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. 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You know, the president s weekend tweetstorm felt like whiplash because, again, four days before, trump gave a speech to Congress People called president ial because, like a president , he spoke in complete sentences and did not attack alec baldwin. laughter a lot of people thought that it was the start of a new era for trump. I feel like, tonight, donald trump became the president of the United States. Stephen yes, that night, donald trump became president. Then, four days later, the president became donald trump again. So it was a full moon or something. laughter so why did he go from statesmanlike orator to captain twitterbananas . A lot of people say it was to distract from recent bad press. He does it all the time. Hes like a magician, misdirecting your attention with slight of hand. And we know trump has the slightest of hands. Its true its true but the trick is, yes, its a distraction, but what is the president trying to distract us from this time . To find out, we turn to the late show figureitoutatron. Bring er out, boys cheers and applause there you go thank you so much oh, the people cannot get enough of the figureitoutathon. That is clear. laughter down here we have donald trump, the man creating the distraction. Up here, Vladimir Putin, the man he doesnt want to be connected to. Here, weve got a list of things that have happened in the last year. So lets see how many of these connect trump to putin. Putin will be symbolized with a p. First up, former Campaign Manager paul manafort, who had to step down when it came out he was paid 12 million by the prorussian puppet government of ukraine or, as trump would call it, negotiating a great, great deal for the people of ukrainia. laughter okay . Thats a clear p. Okay . Lets see, next up, the fact Michael Flynn met with the russian ambassador. That gets a p Jeff Sessions did too, thats a p plus, all of the major intelligence agencies agree that russia tried to influence the election for trump. Fbi, cia, nsa p, p, p theres just so much p which stands for putin and these putin ps are all raining down directly on donald trump. Everywhere everywhere and lets not forget the wikileaks and the administration leaks the leaks are all over trump all these p haves are coming down on putin here. All coming down on trump. So much p, so many ps he is drowning in p laughter applause which, again, stands for putin. There is the answer, folks. St dri it in. laughter President Trump had better watch out, or this could really leave a stain on his legacy. Well be right back with Anderson Cooper. cheers and applause band playing its an important question you ask, but one i think with a simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. 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My first guest tonight is an Emmy Award Winning journalist and host of Anderson Cooper 360. Please welcome back to the show, Anderson Cooper cheers and applause band playing all right. So, anderson, hi, good to see you again. Hello. Always nice to follow a rain of p. Stephen we have to follow the stories any way we can. You guise are doing real news. Stephen thank you very much. Did you see real news tonight . Dont try to steal them for cnn. You guys are the fake news. The original fake news, according to the president. Stephen well get to that in just a moment and your fakeness. But house of your weekend . My weekend, you know, it was fine. It was weird, though. The president started tweeting at 650 something, a. M. Stephen 6 35. Yeah. laughter i had flown to phoenix, and i have actually muted the president on twitter. Stephen you can do that . Yeah. You know when you get annoying people tweeting you, you dont want to delete because that tells them you deleted them. If you just mute them, they think youre still following them and you dont actually see their tweets. cheers and applause stephen then the tweets can get backed up and you get an infection. laughter so, you muted him. I muted him. I go to phoenix. I was spending all weekend working on this story. I wasnt aware of all that was going on. I get back sunday and finally turn on my phone again and im like, what the what . what . and Arnold Schwarzenegger, too . laughter stephen i just want to point out you are a real news man. I watch you every night. I believe your work. I believe you report the news in a very fair way and accurately, and you just said that you mute the president of the United States. cheers and applause what he says, which leads to my next question i mean, look, i have people following him so they tell me i just dont want to have that drama in my life. Stephen that drama you have to accept that hes president. Of course, i do. I have Great Respect for the president , i just dont need to follow him on twitter. Stephen you wouldnt have muted ike. Listen, i have friends with main. I cant i dont want them to have my private line and be able to call me. I dont want the ups and downs in my life. I want to be callum. Stephen i dont think i have that. No one actually does have it. Stephen so how do you as newsman, a correspondent for 60 minutes, as it were had the to throw 60 minutes in there. You cant just say i was in phoenix. I was in phoenix for 60 minutes. Yeah. laughter stephen how do you judge on what to report on . There is more basis to the schwarzenegger tweet than the obama tweet, why isnt the schwarzenegger bigger news . I guess his ratings were not as big as Donald Trumps were. Stephen grea sad end to a gt show. Saddish sad. laughter the reporting on the tweets, i think its a large distraction, i think thats clearly part of what he was doing. Stephen is it pure distraction . No, its like a seismograph, this is like a realtime seismograph of the inner workings of the president s head and its fascinating. An emotional size mo grasp. Hes like a live wire of emotion. We had to wait for decades to hear nixon on tapes. We hear donald trump realtime. Usually people try to keep the president cloistered and not before the public at all times. He breaks through. Stephen whoever pries the the phone out of his hands takes saturday off. The the Washington Post wrote an article you quoted at the beginning of the show and part that i found funny is you quoted a part where the president said afterward he felt better later on in the day. It actually talked about him need ago release. He gets angry, it builds up, needs a release, feels better, then gets angry, then needs a release there are many other forms of release. Stephen doesnt drink, smoke, do drugs. Yeah, well, there are things you can do. Stephen i wouldnt know, anderson. Hands are too small. laughter lets get to the fake news thing. Say what you will about cnn, over the years, its not like you were raving ideallogs over there. Were fair and accurate. Stephen balanced . I believe thats trademarked. Stephen are you surprised you guys are the bad guys as opposed to msnbc . The thing, is donald trump watches cnn, which is why he talks about it so much because he actually watches it and even when hes railing against it, hes watching it. Ive had him watch my show and tweet about people im interviewing while im interviewing him. Oh, that guy is a joke Anderson Cooper is interviewing, what a waste. Things like that while youre interviewing. Stephen surprised he said that. Ive never been on your show. laughter applause 3 you know, wh