( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, hey! >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. thanks so much for being here. happy to have you. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is friday. today marks 35 years of donald trump in office. ( laughter ) and-- no, i'm sorry, 35 days. it just feels like 35 years. and, of course,trump is in charge of our nuclear missiles, and if that does not scare you, perhaps this will. yesterday, in an interview he said he wants to expand the u.s. nuclear arsenal and make it top of the pack. ( laughter ) i'm not sure if he means top dog or leader of the pack. but either way, he is not the sharpest knife on the christmas tree. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but-- ( applause ) but it's a terrifying prospect. after years of carefully decommissioning our nukes, obama won the nobel prize for that. ( applause ) trump wants to ramp up nuclear production. it's like the cold war all over again, but this time, everyone's on russia's side. ( laughter ) and he allowed-- so we know who the winner is. and he elaborated with the following reassuring words, "i am the first one that would like to see everybody-- nobody have nukes." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "everybody-- nobody have nukes." actually, i think that's how nukes work. first, everybody has them. then nobody has them. and in between, there's a big boom. ( cheers and applause ) you just get rid of them. secretary of state rex tillerson was in nasdaq city yesterday to meet with his mexican counter-part who i hope is named mex tillerson. only fair. and tillerson really had his work cut out for him because mexico was none too happy about trumpa new immigration rules, especially the ones that, "recommends sending anyone detained from entering the u.s. illegally to mexico, regardless of whether they are from that country." there you go. see, justice isn't blind. she just can't tell hispanics apart. ( laughter ) and it must have been awkward moment for tillerson and the mexican diplomats when they saw donald trump describe his immigration plan from the white house. >> we're getting really bad dudes out of this country, and at a rate that nobody's ever seen before, and theatre bad ones. and it's a military operation. >> stephen: yes, a military operation. so, congratulations to whoever had "war with mexico" in their office pool. ( laughter ) at least now we know how he's getting rid of all those nukes. now, secretary of homeland security john kelly immediately issued a statement that there would be no use of the u.s. military to enforce immigration. so which is it? sean spicer? >> the president said today that the deportations taking place under his watch are a military operation. >> right. >> secretary kelly sailed the military won't be involved in deportations. did the president misspeak? the president was using that as an adjective. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm not-- i'm not an english teacher, but he's using "military operation" as an adjective? ( laughter ) as you do, as you do, do you like my new haircut?" "yes, it's very military operation." yet do these pants make my ass look military operation?" but the department of homeland security has been trying to reassure immigrants all week. as one official said, "we do not have the personnel, time, or resources to go into communities and round up people and do all kinds of mass throwing folks on buses." wow, that's a super-specific plan for something you're not going to do. "don't worry, hone. i would never lace your coffee with sleepy pills, put you behind the wheel, and then jam a brick on the accelerator. where am i going to find a brick at this hour?" let's see. hey, everybody excited about the oscars this weekend? ( cheers ). >> stephen: yeah? yeah, yeah. yeah. you are all liars, because a recent poll showed 60% of americans can't name one best picture nominee. so #oscars so white has become #oscars so what? now, i'm going to be watching this sunday because my dear friend jimmy kimmel is hosting and he's going to crush it. he's an amazing-- jimmy's a good friend. you're going to do great, baby doll. i don't know if you are aware of this, but i am also a member of the entertainment industry. and as such, i have deep knowledge of the best pictures, even though i have not seen all of them-- or possibly any of them. ( laughter ) fortunately, you can figure out exactly what happens in a movie just by looking at the poster. and that's this is another edition of "late show" best picture poster recap." all right, this will just get everybody up to speed on what is the-- in all the best picture nominations, whether or not you saw them. another here we go. first up "la la land." this, clearly btwo crazy kids who fall in love while accidentally highlying hitler. yeah, a sad ending. it's a cautionary tale. next up "arrival." i'm going to say nerch this movie is really upset because amy adams lost her giant black contact lens. now, i don't know if you saw "lion." it's about two lovers from the wrong side of the tracks-- specifically, above and below them. ( laughter ) then there's the magnificent "hidden figures" the incredibly true story-- ( applause ) yeah, amazing. it's a true story. it's a true story. did you see it? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: i did not see it! true story. i know it is the true story of how it took hollywood until 2017 to figure out that black people see movies, too. now, everyone, everyone out there is talking about "hell or high water" which, if the poster is to be believed is a mad-cap comedy about two brothers who can't find their pickup truck. also, giant jeff bridges. i think he's going to win for most actor this year, largest actor. he's going to win for largest actor this year. up next "moonlight." this is actually-- ( applause ) i'm not surprised people are excited about this movie. i am. this is the next movie if the "x-men" series. from the poster i believe it is about a mutant with the power to grow a well-trimmed beard half of his space facewhen the moon comes out. marvel has done it again. the next nominee is "hacksaw ridge" a true gripping story about a guy named "hacksaw ridge" the the only professional wrestler to fight in world war ii. next is "fences" a heartwarming story of a couple gazing lovingly at their new fence. and finally, "manchester by the sea." i think this will win it. it's an intimately family drama about a guy who has to break the news to his girlfriend that he lost her favorite seagull. anyway, those are the oscar movies for you this weekend. we have a great shore of show for you tonight. the plofl and talented allison williams is here. but when we come back, i take a trip to nasa. stick around. check that out! how do you become america's best-selling brand? you're not going to make it. do you think you can make it? uhh... make it... every time. nice! going further to keep drivers moving freely. that's ford... and that's how you become america's best-selling brand. what bad back?gels work so fast you'll ask what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. ♪ ♪ so tasty. it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere data-free. join directv today starting at $35 a month. no extra monthly fees. ♪ hashtag crispety, hashtag peanut buttery. hashtag stop posting about it and eat it already. butterfinger. i'm in vests and as a vested investor in vests, i invest with e*trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests... or not in vests. this is my retirement. retiring retired tires. and i never get tired of it. are you entirely prepared to retire? plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e*trade. of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how. every great why but so we don't have tormin wad to get clean. charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. enjoy the go with charmin. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: come on! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) incredible, man. welcome back, everybody. well, i tell you what, we're going to have to bring in-- we're going to have to bring in civil engineers to check the structural damage in this building because you all just tore the roof off this place. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all night. hey, jon, i want to ask you a question about next week. you doing anything tuesday night? >> jon: yeah, i'll be here. >> stephen: 11:35. >> jon: we're doing a live show. >> stephen: you're going toment to be here because we're doing a live show following president trump's address to a joint session of congress, all right, all right? yeah. it's not the state of the union, becauselet country doesn't have that much union right now, but it's like the state of the union and we'll be here to talk about everything he said and did right here on the show. please join us. it will be super exciting. right? i'm right about the exciting part, right? can we fact check whether it will be exciting? they're telling me it will be exciting. now, what's also exciting right now, these are exciting times for the good folks at nasa. this week, nasa announced they found, not one, not two, but seven new planets in a star systems just 40 light-years from here, and trump has already banned refugees from all seven planets. ( laughter ) and the other exciting thing is that now, america has taken the lead. we are heading back to space, thanks to boeing's starliner capsule. and naturally, daeld wants in. jim. recently the good people of nasa invited me to the kennedy space center where american heroes continue to shoot for the stars. one of those heroes is commander chris ferguson, who pilottedly the final mission of nasa's iconic shuttle program. >> america will continue the dream. >> stephen: today, chris is the director of crew and mission operations for boeing, so i asked to meet him to see if i had the right stuff. ( laughter ) to make it to space. >> this is the centaur second stage -- >> stephen: we started with the technical review of the starliner system. how will the starliner work? >> uh... it's a rocket. >> stephen: it's a rocket, okay. hold on. let me get that down. rocket... >> the starliner, we're going to ride on an atlas 5 boost gler which one of these are we talking about here? >> they're both models will of the atlas 5. one is a little shorter than the other. >> stephen: there's a short one and a long one. >> that's one models -- >> stephen: there are two models over there. >> but there are two different sizes of the same rocket. >> stephen: so there are two sizes. >> it does not come in two size. >> stephen: why are there two models? >> i don't know. >> stephen: this is by far the most phallic rocket to go into space. i'm not sure we can show that on camera. jimmy, this is a family show. and what shaped rocket will female astronauts go up in, a georgia o'keefe paintings? >> they will be the same. and the strap-on boosters. >> stephen: do you guys always use two strap-ons? >> for this particular mission we do, yes. >> stephen: okay. >> but you can put up to five. >> stephen: you can use five strap-ons at once? >> yes. >> stephen: wow. with the technicalities behind us, it was time for me to try on boeing's highly amounted new space suit. unlike the bulky suicide of yesteryear, praised for its light weight, flexible design, it is the next generation of space suit. what do you think? >> you're not going to use that. >> stephen: why not? look how practical it is? turns out i had the wrong suit. this was the suit. this feels right. >> you look good. >> stephen: tell me about the gloves. >> so the gloves are-- they have a capacitor touch so you can operate a touchscreen. >> stephen: i can use an iphone with this? because on reentry i'm going toment to be check might go instagram. >> very important. >> stephen: that's actually looking. look at that. okay, let's get a selfie. you don't want to put your finger up? >> no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: there is a hole right here. is this where he week up the gravy tube? >> that's where your air hose will connect to, yes. >> stephen: another great, let's do it. oh, yeah. there you have it. >> right. >> stephen: i can't help but notice, @and i want to put this delicately-- that when you attach the tube, it gives you an enormous ass. is there a reason for that? this is sweet. look at that. i look like space nicki minaj. what's going on with that? stuft st just to make it as unflattering as possible. >> i don't think they were trying to make you look bad. when you sit down, your butt takes up more material so when you stand up it's unflattering. >> stephen: you think i'm fat say so. just say i'm a little heavier and could lose a few pounds. >> you could lose a couple of pounds. >> stephen: okay, forget it. next it was on to the starliner capsule itself where i would be strapped down for an intensive interview. >> what kind of technical degree did you receive that may help on future missions to the international space station? >station. >> stephen: i have a theater degree. i can act like i have technical skills. watch this. uhh, let's get the du-1 on the downer. we are burning daylight. let's light this candle. we are detoxing. let's turn on the oxygen. i just broke a switch. >> did you break that switch. >> stephen: what are the rcs-1? >> we need rcs-1. >> stephen: what is that? >> reaction control jet number 1. >> stephen: how am i doing? how am i scoring so far? >> i'm afraid breaking that switch is not going to reflect well on you. >> stephen: i'm stronger than i thought. do you guys say, "light this candle?" >> we never say, "light this candle. >> stephen: if i say, "let's light this candle," no one would say they know what i mean. >> would know what you mean but the cooler astronauts don't say that. >> stephen: what do they say? >> ready to fly. q. that's cool.>> are you ready. >> stephen: let's light this candle. >> you're not-- you're not doing exceedingly well here. flying with the crew and living on the international space station with other astronauts requires someone to be very flexible and get along with others. do you have experience in this area. >> stephen: i'm flexible in terms of my needs. is that important? >> yes. >> stephen: okay, good. i just have a couple things. i made a small list of things i need while i'm in orbit. i can't go anywhere without a lavender-scented candle. and i also have a service animal for anxiety. >> seriously? >> stephen: yeah, it's a possum. and legally you have to let me take it because it's a service possum. >> i'm not sure if a possum is in the mix, steve glen again, it's a service possum. >> i can just put "no" here. >> stephen: how am i doing? dipass? ♪ ain't no stopping us now. ♪ we're going to space ♪ . >> stephen: i had taken every test with flying colors and i couldn't wait to hear what my crucial role would be in america's triumphant return to space. >> we're going to proclaim you the first honorary starliner astronaut commander in charge of sticker placement. ( applause ) >> stephen: all right. let's light this candle. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with allison williams. stick around. by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, mid-century ranch with the garden patio will be gone. or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper: rocket] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol® i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪ ,,,, you feel every mountain we've ever conquered. in our sports cars, you feel every podium we've ever climbed. and now, they've come together to create something you've never felt before. introducing the glc coupe. part suv. part sports car. all mercedes-benz. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. hey, jon. folks, my very first guest tonight is best known as marnie on "girls." she now stars in the new thriller "get out." >> sir, i can see your lnls, please? >> wait, why? >> i have state i.d. >> no, no, he wasn't driving. >> i didn't ask who was driving. i asked to see his i.d. >> yeah, why. that doesn't make any sense. >> here. >> you don't have to give him your i.d., because you haven't done anything wrong. >> it's okay. >> any time there's an incident we have every right to ask-- ma'am-- >> everything all right, ryan? >> i'm good. get that headlight fixed and that mirror. >> thank you, officer. >> stephen: please welcome allison williams. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hi! >> hi! >> stephen: hi, nice to meet you. >> it's so nice to meet you. >> stephen: that is an absolutely beautiful dress. >> and yours is beautiful, too. >> stephen: thank you very much. you actually look like a princess. >> thank you! that's my dream compliment. >> stephen: it might be the new blond hair. >> i'm blond now. as you saw, i'm no longer that hair color. >> stephen: do you shock yourselves sometimes when you look in the mirror? >> constantly, i'm not used to it. and by the way, just to head this off: do i have more fun? no i am a ball of hair-related anxiety. >> stephen: why? >> it feels different. i know know some of you have dyed your hair. it feels very different. one feeling of hair-- that's a phrase that makes sense-- yeah, please, make a most that. i had one feeling of hair for 28 years. >> stephen: yes. >> and then i have a new feeling of hair, and it is dryer, and i just wouldn't recommend it. i don't even you're considering -- >> stephen: do a hot oil treatment, baby. go in there. do a hot oil treatment. it will turn your tub into a frictionless surface, and you'll die. why did you change from brunette to bloand. did you want to shake marnie off like dust from a boot? >> yes, that's the exact expression i used. that is so weird. no, i have never heard that expression, but it's great. i did it-- yeah, i mean, it's part, like, rudimentary. it was for a magazine cover. but i was willing to do it because it's like a breakup. i've been with her for six years. >> and love her. she's difficult. no one else likes her, but i see what other people can't. and now it's time to say gone. and-- to quote the mickey mouse show. wasn't that from ♪ now it's time to say good-bye to all our company. the rest is copy righted that's abc. that's abc. this is cbs. >> sure is. oh, i know. >> stephen: but you do look like a disney princess. so it all fits. >> disney, which owns, you know, not cbs. >> stephen: saying good-bye-- what do you think you'll miss most? you must be wrapped because your hair is different. >> i'm done. i said gone to her on saturday. and i was very emotional about it. >> stephen: what are you going to miss the most, your buddies or the awkward, unattractive sex scenes because the show is famous-- >> i feel like that question has a slant to it. >> stephen: the show is famous for having an awkward sex-- >> the two are more related than you can imagine. >> stephen: go on. >> well, the sex scenes breed a kind of intimacy, as you can imagine. >> stephen: i don't, i've never done one. >> never inspect? not even on stage? >> stephen: i've done the real deal. but-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) i've never gone pro. i've been naked on stage, but i have never actually had a sex scene. >> is that news? that you have been neighborhood on stage. >> stephen: let's make some news. yeah, i've been naiked on stage. yeah, yeah. ( applause ) every night when the audience leaves, i just... >> oh, okay, okay. if no one was there, it doesn't count. >> stephen: okay. no, i've been naked on stage. >> wow, so i've never done that. >> stephen: you're not naked in these scenes? >> i've never been naked. i'm technically -- >> stephen: it looks like it, no offense. >> no offense is taken. that's the goal. i'm having sex so conceivably i'd be naik gld that's how it works. >> you're actually not completely naked. but even still, it's very nucial. i've had sticky things that are put on me so i'm not naked at the end of the scene end up on one of my male scene partners. >> stephen: something that covers some intimate part you. >> they're covered, they're good, i, on the other hand, am not. so that's always awkward pup get really close because there's no way to get through them except to giggle and have fun together. for the girls, this suction, i wish i could see them all the time. >> stephen: do you warn your information before this hams. do you go, "just don't watch this one? just don't watch this one?" >> no, at this point, honestly, we all sit back as a family, "oh, this is a good one. equal wl done." >> stephen: oh, lord. how is your wonderful father, brian williams? i'm a big fan of his. >> he's good. >> stephen: does it ever annoy you, because you're a performer and gifted act express your father is funnier than professionaliz know. does it ever make you mad? >> it is annoying. it would be annoying if i didn't love him so much. i am happy to report my younger brother is the funniest williams by leaps and bounds. and when that moment happened it was a deeply sad day for both-- mostly for my dad. not only is he a sportscaster. he's younger. he's improved. he's got my mom's gene pool. and he's also just so much funnier than any of us. and we just worried that he's bored all the time around us. >> stephen: how many kids are there? >> just the two of us. it's very tidy. they're just replacing themselves. yeah. >> stephen: well, the new movie is called "get out," which was written and direct by jordan peele. and i understand-- now, i heard it's like a horror movie with a social message. >> yeah, one of those. >> stephen: exactly. "the texas chainsaw massacre." >> 100%. your average horror movie that deals with racism. >> stephen: so in this-- in this-- you go to this little town-- i don't want to give anything away. but bad things are happening to african americans in this town. >> well, okay. so i-- it's sort of like "guess who's coming to dinner" until it really isn't anymore at all. like, nothing bad happened to sidney portier in the way that it goes down. so what happens sibring my boyfriend home to meet my parents. i didn't tell them he's black. i don't think they're going to care. they're, like, liberal, nice parents. i've known them my whole life -- >> stephen: brad whitt ford. >> brad whitt ford. they're katherine and bradley whitt ford are actors. >> stephen: i have to write that down-- it's a pretty even exchange of information so far. >> stephen: it really is, it really is. so . >> i bring my boyfriend home, and it's, like, it's going fine, but i'm noticing that they're saying things they don't usually say around him and they aren't behaving totally normally. so part of it is how i'm realizing my family i've known my whole life maybe isn't as racially sensitive as i thought they were. so then at a certain point it becomes kind of like, well, do i stick with the people that are treating this guy i love a lot not super well, or do i stay with my perfect, loving boyfriend? i don't know. oh, and then it's also a horror movie? ( laughter ) okay, i can just say -- >> stephen: that really does sound like "guess who's coming to dinner?" >> that is exactly the plot. here is the inherent issue of doing press for this movie is it is full of spoirlz so i can really only talk to the end of the first third of the movie which is what i just described to you. >> stephen: that's fine, that's fine. have you lied to me at all in this interview yet? >> only-- no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: not about the movie, about anything? is your brother really the funniest one in your family? >> yes, that's not a lie. i don't think i have lied to you-- i have. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i don't know what to believe anymore, allison williams. >> perfect, perfect. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> so nice to meet you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: your highness. >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: "get out" is in theaters now and the final season of "girls" is airing on hbo as we speak. allison williams, everybody. we'll be right back with cash jumbo. ma'am. this isn't a computer... wait. you're real? with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s., like me, anytime. wow. this is a recording. really? no, i'm kidding. 100% u.s.-based customer service. here to help, not to sell. nobody does unlimited like t-mobile. while the other guys gouge for unlimited data... t-mobile one save you hundreds a year. right now get two lines of data for $100 dollars. with taxes and fees included. that's right 2 unlimited lines for just $100 bucks. all in. and right now, pair up those two lines with two free samsung galaxy s7 when you switch. yup! free. so switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with t-mobile. as a dancer, i love being able to pass on everything i know. one thing i've learned is that when all eyes are on me, i can't have any doubts. especially when it comes to what i'm wearing... it needs to fit my body just right. looking good on stage is one thing. but real confidence comes from feeling good out there. try the improved fit of new depend silhouette briefs. get a free sample at depend.com. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks my next guest tonight is an actress best known for her role on "the good wife." now she's back in the cbs all access show "the good fight." >> so how far does a smile get you? >> the... >> the bad-boy tom cruise smiles. do the judges go wild for it? >> that and a good argument. >> no. i think you've always relied on the cute little metrosexual thing, the "oh, my god, the law is just something i stumbled into (bleep)" grin. >> wow, the powers of perception. >> thanks. >> stephen: please welcome cush jumbo. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: now, the last time you and i were together we were lucky enough to have dinner together. >> we were. >> stephen: you, me, my wife, anthony weiner-- for reasons we won't go into. >> no. >> stephen: it's a long story-- >> the weaner was between your wife and i. >> stephen: that's exactly right. so often, so often that happens. but lovely to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: my wife says hi. >> hi, evy. >> stephen: now, listen, i think your name cush jumbo is so beautiful. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's so beautiful. >> thank you. >> stephen: and all respect to your parents, it does sound like the name of something that is legal in colorado. where does the name cush jumbo come from? >> it's like the number one question i get asked is like, "how did you pick your stage name?" because people assume you can make that up, that cush jumbo is something you pull out of a book. but my parents-- my dad's gineegz, and my mom is from the north of glrngd yorkshire and they always loved biblical names -- >> stephen: cush is a biblical name? >> the first king of egypt. >> stephen: the land of cush. >> cushites. it's a very ancient name, and noah had three sons, and one of the sons had a son called cush. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah, they smoked weed, too. so -- >> stephen: noah or your parents? >> it was a combination. oh, everyone did. it was a combination. now i love it because people always know-- in this business it's good to know if you've met someone or not and there's not another cush jumbo, so it's all good. >> stephen: you started off in theater. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i saw in "taming of the shrew" last summer. did a beautiful job. >> thank you. >> stephen: as the shrew in central park. you also did an all-female version of "julius caesar." who were you? >> i played marc antony. >> stephen: the greatest rhetorical speech ever. >> pretty much the greatest speech ever. and before i played marc antony, i never played a male's role in shakespeare pain played a lot of the leading females but not a male and i loved it because i used to use a lot of male speeches to warm up naerp written differently. they're kind of like steak rather than bits of asparagus he writes for women and i used to really like them and it was a joy. it was great, it was great you kim over here-- you obviously trained in england, and when you came over here working with american actors doing shakespeare, was it different? he is the great bard of your language, of your native country. do americans get it right? is there something we do right or wrong with shakespeare here? >> i think what's nice is there is a real love of shakespeare in this country. >> stephen: you don't love it over there? >> we love it, but i think we're left less refinant. we love his-- we love him but he's like the grandpa. he's really wise and had a great career but is touching up your friend in the corner. like a lovable -- >> stephen: i don't actually know. i don't actually know. >> he's like a lovable rogue. so, yeah, we're slightly less reverent -- >> stephen: are we trained differently for it over here? >> i think you might be, yeah. our training is slightly different, and i think we do it in a very-- we're very into into the movement and the voice and the physicality of-- of really getting into the text and the words. like drama school, you're taught sonnets. you're taught his poetry. you're taught his speeches -- >> stephen: people are taught sonnets here. i went to acting school for a little while. did you have a fraifort faifort? >> yes when i was in drama school in my second year you are given a sonnet that is made for you, and i when in disgrace with... >> stephen: exactly. go ahead. i'll see fikeep up. ready ready when in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes i all alone beweep my outcast state and travel heaven with my bootless cries and look upon myself and curse my fate wishing me like to one more rich in hope, featured like him with friends possess, diring this mani smart and that man's scope with what i most enjoy connented least. yet, in these thoughts mierksz almost despising, happily i think on thee, and then my state, like to the lark and the break of day arising from sullen earth sings hymns at heaven's gate. for thy sweep love remember such wealth brings. ( cheers and applause ) then i scorned and changed my state. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and you also do this show called "the good fight." >> i do, that. >> stephen: "the good fight" is available on sundays on cbs all access. the great cush jumbo, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ( applause ) live tv anywhere data-free. tv and at&t, stream join directv today starting at $35 a month. no extra monthly fees. ♪ ♪ so tasty. a mihappy birthday, sweetie! oh, millies. trick or treat! we're so glad to have you here. ♪ what if we treated great female scientists like they were stars? ♪ yasss queen! what if millie dresselhaus, the first woman to win the national medal of science in engineering, were as famous as any celebrity? [millie dresselhaus was seen having lunch today...] ♪ [...rumors of the new discovery...] what if we lived in a world like that? (crowd applauding) ♪ we know a place that's already working on it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ,,,,,,,, ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) welcome back, everybody. folks, my next guest tonight is a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york city. please welcome carmen lynch. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi. i just had a birthday. ( cheers and applause ) i'm at that age now where i'm dating both fathers and sons. ( laughter ) i remember when i was in my 20s, i thought guys until their 40s were gross. but now i'm like, "bring it on! i love men in their 40s. they've lost hope. ( laughter ) they're so real. they're halfway to death, and they know it. they know their dreams aren't coming true, and it's kind of charming. ( laughter ) yesterday's ew is tomorrow's ahhh." i love old people, you know, the elderly, the ones that are, like, over 100. they're so old, they only come out in the spring. ( laughter ) they're so cute and they're so wise and you can ask them anything like, "what are you still doing here?" ( laughter ) my dad is getting old, and i can tell because my niece had an ice skating recital and my dad was supposed to record it. and he did. he just recorded the wrong little girl. ( laughter ) so now we have this video of this kid we don't care about. but she's so good! ( laughter ) we watch her all the time and pretend it's my niece. my dad's near sight. he just can't see far away. why don't we just call it far blind. that's what it is. you know, we don't do that with any other disorder. if you have testicular cancer you're not like, "i'm prostate healthy." ( laughter ) i love dogs. i think dogs are amazing. i don't like cats. i hate cats. dogs are so much better. ( applause ) thanks for-- i've never had a dog. ( laughter ) but i can tell through my hatred of cats that i love dogs. that's how lesbians feel about guys. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's the same formula. i remember when i was staying at my friend's house, her cat came into my room at 3:00 in the morning and bit my foot and woke me up. and you think when a cat bites your foot at 3:00 a.m., what do you do? you just get up and you kill the cat. but that's not what happened. theicality came into my room, and bit my foot, and for some reason i was like, "ouch! who bit my foot?" i don't know what i was thinking, like, maybe it was my friend. ( laughter ) like maybe i was going to look down and be like, ," liz, what are you doing?" and she's like, "you never text me back." ( laughter ) i'm just such a light sleeper. i hate that. i hear everything. i hear cats. i hear isis. ( laughter ) i hear new jersey. i hear everything. i hate those people who sleep all night because they always show off, "i can sleep through anything." "you know what? you're going to die in a fire." ( applause ) ( cheers ) and i'm going to watch. ( laughter ) because i'll be up roasting mash mallows in your face. i'm in therapy. so...... ( laughter ) i love complaining to someone who can't leave the room. therapy's great. everyone in new york city's in therapy. i don't know what it is about this town. people love therapy. you could be like you lost your shoe and someone lobby like, "you need to talk to someone about this. i think this has to do with your parents' divorced. i think your dad has your shoe." ( laughter ) i love my therapist because she analyzes dreams. like, she told me that everyone that shows up in your dream is actually you, no matter who it is. and then i had this dream that this big, brown bear was chasing me and i woke up and i was like, "i better get that bikini wax." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it was just a little bear. i went to south carolina, and i went on my first horse and carriage ride and they sat me right behind the horse's butt. and then this guy came up to the horse and he lifted up the tail and he jammed a stick about that long right into the horse's butt. i know. and i was like oh, my god. is this how you start horse? ( laughter ) and he was like, "no, this is a thermometer. we have to take the temperature of the horse so we know he's okay to go on the tour." and i was like, "oh. well, i'm on a tour, too." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: her album is available now on itunes. carmen lynch, everybody. we'll be right back. ,,,,,,,, did you know 90% of couples disagree on mattress firmness? fortunately there's a bed where you both get what you want every night.,, enter sleep number and the ultimate sleep number event, going on now. sleepiq technology tells you how well you slept and what adjustments you can make. she likes the bed soft. he's more hardcore. so your sleep goes from good to great to wow! only at a sleep number store. right now, save 50% on the ultimate limited edition bed. sale ends sunday! go to sleepnumber.com for a store near you. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show"" everybody. please join us next week with patrick stewart, hugh jackman, and tuesday night we'll be following live after president trump's address to congress. now stick around for james cordon. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside a quark particle system, give it up for