Stephen whoo hey welcome to the show, everybody beautiful. cheers and applause hey, chris whats up, paul . Welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show. Im your shows stephen colbert. cheers and applause thank you all for being here tonight. Most of you probably had reservations to go to cpac. For those of you who dont know, cpac is the annual conference of conservatives. Also, the name of tupacs republican cousin. And this is the first cpac since the fractious election and, right off the bat, the moderator tried to bring everybody together. We decided to say t everybody is a part of our conservative family. Stephen yes, everyones part of the family, but, please, pretend brian is just your roommate for grandma. Its not worth explaining. Lets see. What do you call him, chief strategist steve bannon was there audience booing along with white house chief of staff and mouse that just landed in the cage of your pet snake Reince Priebus and, contrary to what is true, priebus and bannon get along just fine. We share an office suite together. We are basically together from 6 30 in the morning until about 11 00 at night. Stephen at which point, steve has instructed me to lock his door and not let him out no matter what he screams or how desperately he howls. laughter and bannon really seemed to genuinely pretend to like priebus. His job is, by far, one of the toughest jobs ive ever seen in my life. To make it run every day, and to make the trains, and you only see the surface. Stephen ooh, so close to saying make the trains run on time did you see that . Smooth. He pulled out of that. He caught himself before he went full mussolini. Now banon just has to resist talking about his kampf. laughter and bannon made a prediction for trumps ongoing war with the media its not only not going to get better, its going to get worse every day. Every day. Every day it is going to be a fight. Stephen fun fact those were also Steve Bannons wedding vows. laughter applause only going to get worse. cheers and applause i dont know, is that true . Is it true . I have been told. Yeah. Jon oh, i didnt know that. Stephen speaking of things getting worse, last night, donald trump said transgender students cant use the bathrooms they want to use. Hes going to check what theyve got down there or something, im not sure. But we should have seen this coming. If theres one thing trump is famous for, its telling people where to pee. laughter piano riff now, the weird thing is that, on the campaign trail, trump was cool with whatever. So if Caitlyn Jenner were to walk into trump tower and wanted to use the bathroom, you would be fine with her using any bathroom she chooses . That is correct. Stephen which is good, because im guessing, right now, a lot of trans people would love to take a dump in trumps lobby. cheers and applause and that is just fine. Hes fine with it. Correct. piano riff the best mimicking President Trump only the best. This isnt the only obama action trumps rolling back. Hes going to repeal the Affordable Care act, rescind environmental protections. Hes already replaced michelles vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings. laughter wouldnt you love . Just do a backstroke in there . Now, according to the administration, this wasnt about persecuting any group, it was strictly a legal concern. The president has maintained for a long time that this is a states rights issue. Stephen oh, grow a pair. laughter is there a more cowardly phrase than this is a states rights issue . Honey, do i like my new haircut . Uummm. I think im going to leave that decision up to the states. laughter this was controversial, even within the administration. Education secretary and chunky necklace victim betsy devos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. But attorney general Jeff Sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed ms. Devos to relent. Come on, betsy, they wont let me discriminate against black people. Just give me this one. laughter i need something applause cheers and applause Jeff Sessions fans. Jeff sessions fans. Jon yeah. Stephen huge Jeff Sessions fans here tonight. laughter ultimately, trump sided with sessions, and, when devos was faced with the alternative of resigning or defying the president , she agreed to go along. audience booing so betsy devos knew it would harm children and did it, anyway, to save her job. How does she sleep at night . Ill let the states decide. laughter piano riff now heres a shocker trump didnt tweet anything about it. In fact, hes had only four tweets the last two days. Im starting to worry. Did someone cut off his thumbs . What is happening . laughter what is going on . Is the New York Times not failing enough . Has he not gone to the bathroom in two days . Whats going on . applause we might have a hint applause we might have a hint yesterday, politico reported that, during the campaign, trumps staff came up with a way to keep him off twitter. Apparently, he tweets whenever he sees criticism in the media, so his staff would make sure that everything he watched included a steady stream of praise. And, as ive said, we do know he likes a steady stream. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes they even created positive coverage. Like, they made the positive coverage in the news. When the team couldnt find news praising trump, they scrambled to place a story in conservativefriendly outlets like fox news and breitbart. So his staff would use fox and breitbart to plant news. That is. Fake. laughter gosh. I wish there was a term for that. Oh, i know what it is. Its prostitution. applause yeah. Now, of course, being in the entertainment business, i have no experience with using flattery to manipulate someone. My staff says its one of my best qualities. And im going to do my part to keep trump off twitter. So, white house staffers, next time the president thinks he hasnt been getting enough praise, you might show him this news clip. Welcome to real news tonight. Im jill news lady. Our top story, President Donald Trump is very smart. The things he did today were good, and everyone lovers him. For more, we go to jim. Thanks, jill. The president did many strong things today. Currently everyone on twit, sr. Praising him. Also, reports indicate his father loved and respected him. This is breaking news. Donald trump won last years election bigly. No surprise there, jill. Trump is good. Yes, he is. He is good. Trumps good. A good man. And thats the real news tonight. Coming up, donald trump is still get an erection. cheers and applause stephen thats how you do it. Thats it. Now, obviously, we made some of that up. laughter maybe America Needs a politician who can take bad news about himself or, better yet, provide bad news about himself like democratic candidate for Arizona Governor and man who bought himself a beard trimmer for valentines day, noah dyer. His official Campaign Website actually says, noah has had both deep and casual Sexual Experiences with all kinds of women. He is an advocate of open relationships. Hes had group sex and sex with married women. He has sent and received intimate texts and pictures and occasionally recorded video during sex. Good lord good sweet and sour jesus i never thought i would miss the quiet dignity of anthony weiner. cheers and applause piano riff wow get it out there. Just get it out there. And good news, ladies hes single. Though he wouldnt care if he wasnt. So why on earth would noah inflict this on us . Well, according to his website, it is noahs belief that the cleverly disclosed scandals that come out of the woodwork in the midst of campaigns mainly serve to divert and distract away from meaningful dialogue. Yes, he doesnt want scandals to come out of the woodwork, so, instead, hes telling us how his wood works. laughter okay for that . cheers and applause that is definitely come on. Youve got to be consistent here. drum roll stephen thank you very much. Im sorry. I apologize for everything. Look, im all for transparency in politics, but not this much transparency. I just pray that listing all your sexperiences doesnt catch on with other politicians. I dont want ted cruz saying, my bride and i have performed several acts of laydown coitus, surrounded by a ring of soup cans. laughter applause its simple. Totally above board. I dont want to hear Jason Chaffetz admitting, i reached sexual maturity at three years old, just like other north american beavers. cheers and applause yeah. Jon thats how it works, aint it . Stephen or Bernie Sanders declaring, 75 of my sexual experience has happened 40 of the time with the bottom 20 of a womans body. 20 . Jon from the knees down. Stephen or, god forbid, steve bannon sharing, on multiple occasions i have penetrated into the demagorgon and we toiled feverishly until completion. There were no survivors. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Aubrey plaza is here but when we return, ill have puppies actual puppies stick around first theres sharp blades. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. So tasty. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back welcome back to tonights showgram already in progress. Ladies and gentlemen, its no secret, i love animals, which is why im a big supporter of all the wonderful work dog shelters do. I just have one complaint the commercials they put out about shelter dogs. Hi, im Sarah Maclachlan. Will you be an angel for a helpless animal . Stephen its been over a decade wont someone find Sarah Maclachlan a loving home . laughter but i believe this show has an Important Mission selling snacks to 18 to 35yearolds. But if it had a second mission, itd be finding rescue dogs a home. So its time for another edition of rescue dog rescue. cheers and applause hey, everybody welcome to rescue dog rescue. Weve got actual, adoptable puppies here from north Shore Animal League america. cheers and applause very important that somebody adopt these dogs. Everything im about to tell you about these dogs are complete lies, but if youre not willing to lie for an adorable puppy you belong in a shelter. Of course, i dont want to tell all the lies myself, so here to help is professional liar, aubrey plaza. cheers and applause aubrey plaza, everybody you have a dog, right . I have two. Stephen are you ready to make some stuff up to get these dogs a good home . Yes. Were going to make millions stephen thats. Not what were doing here. Lets bring out the puppies first, who do we have here . Oh look at you aubrey, you like him . Yeah, hes sweet stephen this fine looking fella is slugger, a lab mix hes certified in massage and is trained to only poop on the lawns of your enemies. laughter also, slugger always remembers your mothers birthday and will remind you ahead of time to send a card. Okay . Okay stephen aubrey, who do we have here . Next up is ace stephen what kind of dog is ace . Ace is a hound mix. Hes a nice boy. He can talk, but chooses not to as a form of protest against wage inequality. Ladies, he gets you. laughter also, unlike every other dog youve met, people say aces breath smells like freshly baked muffins. sniffs yum. Im going to put him in the cage. Stephen you go ahead and put him in the cage right there. Okay. Stephen this is molly. Molly recently ate a treasure map showing the location of the fabled carnegie fortune. Ooh, naughty naughty stephen yes, naughty, naughty. Adopt now, and she could poop her valuable secret in your apartment. Wow. Stephen you guys play together. Have fun. Aubrey, there arent more dogs, are there . There is a lot more, stephen. Heres murphy. Murphy is a good boy, but more importantly, hes a good man. laughter hes very civic minded. When hes not at the animal shelter, he volunteers at another animal shelter. laughter stephen did he just kiss you . We are as in a longterm relationship. laughter and its going okay. Stephen going okay. All right. Yeah. Stephen who do we have here . Oh, here we go. Oh, beautiful. Oh, look at that. Look at the fur. So beautiful. Oh, wow, beautiful coat. Stephen this is tiger. Tiger is a bit of a rubble. Im sorry, tucker. I misread that. Tucker is a bit of a rebel. He plays by his own rules. At first youll think hes aloof and disinterested, but, in a shocking plot twist, youll find out tucker was the one who loved you all along. laughter applause all right, there you go. There we go. Great stephen who do we have here, aubrey . Steve, we have luna. Feast your eyes on this babe. This terrier shepherd mix, shes a certified couples counselor and also has a degree in psychiatric medicine. And you know what that means she can write prescriptions cheers and applause stephen head to our web site. Colbertlateshow. Com for more information on how you can adopt these actual dogs today from the north Shore Animal League america. Well be right back with aubrey plaza counts, like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. Th. Oh, bakedon alfredo . E. Gotta rinse that. Nope. No way. Nada. Really . Dish issues . Throw it all in. Cascade platinum powers through. Your toughest stuckon food. Nice. Cascade. Hashtag crispety, hashtag peanut buttery. Hashtag stop posting about it and eat it already. Butterfinger. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause once again, folks, my first guest tonight is a very funny actress and comedian you know from parks and recreation. She now stars in the new show legion. Please welcome aubrey plaza cheers and applause stephen nice to see ya thank you so much. Thank you for helping me find a home for those puppies. I love puppies. Stephen do you have puppies . I do. I have two rescue dogs. Stephen you really do . Yes. Stephen you told me over there you thought you might have been lying. You have two dogs. I wasnt lying. Stephen what are your dogs names . Stevie and frankie. Stephen and which one do you love more . I wont tell them. I cant say. Stephen you do love one of them more . I cant say that. Stephen come on. All right. All right. Frankie. laughter stephen thats nice. Do they do tricks . Are they trained or are they just, like, be there and love me . Stevie drives uber and is trying to figure things out right now. Stephen right, right, still getting his bleep together. And frankie is a genius. Stephen thats good. I dont know. They do a lot of tricks. Theyre really great dogs, and theyre mine. laughter so. Stephen its a very full story. Yeah. Stephen last time we were here together im here every night but the last time you were here, we were talking about you went to catholic school. I did. Stephen for many, many years, right . The full ride catholic school. Montessori, k12. Stephen and you told me you were about to play a nun in a movie called the little hours. Stephen but you would tell me almost nothing about it because you hadnt shot it yet. But now you shot it. And there she is. Stephen there you are. There you are as Sister Sister fernanda. Stephen yelling that dave franco. Yes. Stephen did you like putting on the habit . I played a priest last year on Mindy Kalings show. I loved wearing the collar. Its like wearing a tuxedo, but its a really good look. I love uniforms. Its probably the least flattering costume you could wear in a movie because its just this much of your face. Stephen but it frames your face. Head on a platter. Right, thats all you get. Its all in the eyes. Stephen i also found out youve got a big honor coming up. Yeah. Stephen which is one i would not have suspected of you is that you were in 4h when you were younger. Yes. Stephen i did not know you grew up in a farm community. I did not. Stephen where did you grow up . In wilmington, delaware, and there are a lot of farming communities in delaware, but i grew up in the city and, yeah, 4h is known more as an agriculturebased youth program. Stephen yeah, like, you know, you learn about, like, cat and Animal Husbandry and stuff like that. Thats right. Stephen yeah. And, you know, i did some stuff. I got into that. I sheared some sheep in my day. Stephen seriously . Yeah. Stephen do they fight back when youre shearing them . No, they sing and they tell you stories and theyre really sweet. Stephen are they bummed out about it . I dont know. Stephen you dont know. I did it, like, once. Stephen okay. And i had my uncle raised a big, so i got to be around that. You know, i got to see that. Stephen what do the four hs stand for . Thats what i dont know. There is actually a pledge that explains that which i can say for you. Stephen i would love it. If i remember it. I pledge my head to greater thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country and my world. cheers and applause stephen and so should we all and so should we all, aubrey plaza yeah, its not a joke. Thats really what the pledge is. Stephen no one here thinks its a joke. No, i was just saying stephen that was sincere appreciation. No, im just saying it so Everybody Knows im not making fun. Stephen youre getting the 4h award. Im getting the alumni medallion le