Stephen miller, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hi, everybody welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Happy valentines day cheers and applause im so lucky to spend tonight with my true love this audience. cheers and applause tonights the night. Wear something loose. By now im sure youve all heard the news the Trump Administration is going great. Were getting tired of winning. Ill tell you who really got tired of winning former National Security adviser and man who doesnt see whats so funny, Michael Flynn. Because he resigned last night. No scandal. He just wanted to spend more time with his russian contacts. But he leaves behind a distinguished legacy of the shortest tenure in history with only 24 days as National Security adviser. cheers and applause yeah. piano riff just like that hes gone flynn surpassed the record formerly held by gerald fords security adviser, admiral joseph t. Fruitfly. Heres what happened after obama imposed sanctions on russia for messing with our election, flynn called the russian ambassador, discussed the sanctions and allegedly signaled the kremlin to expect a reprieve when trump took office. And if that signal wasnt enough, they got the hint when trump signed his First Executive order. laughter now at first, flynn denied all of this. But he got caught because, turns out, we listen in on every phone call to the russian ambassador. Who knew . Evidently, not the National Security adviser, you dummy. applause dummy, dummy i knew i knew that jon eyes stephen i knew that after it was revealed there were recordings, flynn went from absolutely not to he couldnt be certain that the topic never came up. I know a way you can be certain. As the National Security, you could ask for the transcript. Could i see that, please . laughter i should really not have this job laughter its funny because its treason. applause at a say only treason is funny. Flynn even lied to mike pence, who then went on tv to defend flynn, and now pence is pissed. You can tell by his cold, holloweyed stare. Which is also how you can tell hes happy, in love, or just hungry. The crazy part is that the white house has known the National Security adviser lied about his contacts with russia for weeks. Last month, former acting attorney general sally yates told them she believed flynn had misled Senior Administration officials and might be vulnerable to russian blackmail. Trump did nothing. But im sure he was going to get to it right after attacking nordstroms and Arnold Schwarzeneggers ratings. Then firing sally yates. applause got to do a lot. Yeah. But now flynn is gone, and now everyones speculating whos going to replace him. One top candidate is general david petraeus, who is a proven leader and historic, because it would be the first National Security advisor who had to check with his probation officer. Is it okay if i take a job in washington . David, have you been doing drugs . Naw, naw. Ive been clean. Any weapons . Well, i am about to be in the Nuclear Chain of command. David, we talked about this. But if petraeus doesnt get the job, trump will most likely give it to general bradimir puddin. cheers and applause bradimir puddin. Really super guy. Of course, this is a major betrayal of trust and trump immediately condemned both flynn and the russians. Just kidding. He tweeted, the real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of washington . Will these leaks be happening as i deal on north korea etc . No, there wont be any leaks on north korea unless your high security meeting was infiltrated by secret agent maralago busboy. laughter today, White House Press white house Secretary Sean Spicer spicesplained why the president was forced to let flynn go. We got to a point not based on a legal issue, but based on a trust issue. The evolving and eroding level of trust as a result of this situation in a series of other questionable instances is what led the president to ask for general flynns resignation. Stephen yes, it makes perfect sense. It wasnt a legal issue, it was a trust issue. Trump stopped trusting flynn, because flynn did something that was so darn legal that trump had to ask for his resignation. Say what you will about sean spicer, but hes the m. C. Escher of bleep . cheers and applause but forgive me, mr. Spicer you were saying something insane . The irony of this entire situation is that the president has been incredibly tough on russia. Stephen yes, trumps been incredibly tough on russia. No, incredibly tough. I mean, the dry cleaning bills alone incredibly tough. Got to flip the mattress. And trumps looking to fill a lot of jobs. The www. Monster. Com listing asks for dedicated publicservants who dont look anything like melissa mccarthy. And rumor has it that his pick for ambassador to austria is concert pianist, industrialist trump supporter and Friendly Grocer with a dark secret, patrick park. Ambassador to austria is parks dream job. Why . Because hes an expert in the history and customs and hopes to strengthen americas friendship with the european union. Just kidding. laughter its because hes obsessed with the sound of music and says hes seen it 75 times. applause the hills are alive with the sound of crazy laughter thats not how this works. Is this how this works now . Jon yeah. Stephen ive seen the lord of the rings fifty times. Does that make me ambassador to gondor . applause i would take the gig. But parks probably going to get the austria. The only other person trump knows whos more obsessed with the sound of music is steve bannon. But he roots for the nazis. laughter band playing weve got a great show for you tonight. Christine baranski is here. Plus, i sit down with a group of kids and write a movie. But, when we return, ill have more of Michael Flynns resignation. So stick around. Mom, i just saved a lot of money on my Car Insurance by switching to geico. I should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico can help you save money on your Homeowners Insurance too . Great geico can help insure our mountain chalet how long have we been sawing this log . Um, one hundred and fourteen years. Man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. Im not even sure this is real wood. Theres no butter in this churn. Do my tris look okay . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good and it feels so good oh yeah and it feels so good ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Its more than cash back. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause happy valentines day, jon jon happy valentines day stephen hope you spend it with someone you love. You know, who i was hoping to spend valentines days day with is president trumps advisor is Stephen Miller, advises the Trump Administration. Im prepared to go on any show, anywhere, anytime. Stephen okay. So we invited him to come on this show tonight in this theater, and the man is a man of his word. Is he here . Jon hes not here. Stephen havent seen him . Jon not yet. Stephen okay. Because this is a show and this is a time and this is a where. Jon right. Stephen okay. Hes not sitting in with the band or anything tonight . Jon no, i mean, we got a cow bell for him if he come around. Stephen cheers and applause stephen all right, that would be all right. We still have 45 minutes for him to show up, right . Yes, sir. Stephen hes going to be here. laughter well, as i said in the part of the show where you can see my pants, Michael Flynn is out as National Security advisor. cheers and applause naturally, democrats are up in arms. What did the president know and when did he know it . Stephen i know that one. Not much. And all the time. applause or he told flynn to do it. Okay . We dont know. Im sure congress will get to the bottom of it, as soon as they finish with hillarys email server. The man in charge of any investigation would be chairman for the House Committee on oversight and bloated donnie osmond, jason chaffetz. Chaffetz is the guy who could investigate trumps ties to russia. Except he wont. Could there be a broader bipartisan independent investigation into the administrations ties to russia . I think that situation is taking care of itself. Stephen really . Thats like a doctor at the funeral saying, i was going to tell him the diagnosis, but looks like it took care of itself laughter but for a Major Political scandal, republicans have been conspicuously silent. Everybody but new york congressman and man with slowly shrinking head, chris collins. He went on cnn this morning to explain why all of his colleagues were not commenting on flynn. You are the first member of the gop that we have had a chance to talk to about this. No word from ryan, no word from mcconnell. Why is everybody so quiet . Uh, well, its uh uh valentines day, and i guess theyre having breakfast with their wives. Stephen of course what was i thinking . Valentines Day Breakfast cheers and applause that old tradition all of us do thats why republicans were so quiet on this issue. They were all having breakfast with their sweethearts. But it does raise another question. Why wasnt congressman collins with his wife . To answer that question, we go live via satellite to his wife, mrs. Congressman collins. cheers and applause mrs. Congressman collins, happy valentines day. Oh, its valentines day . I hadnt noticed. Stephen so, did you and the congressman have valentines Day Breakfast this morning . Well, that was what i was hoping for, but he was gone before i woke up. Off to cnn so, i had breakfast for one. Stephen huh. So all of your husbands colleagues were with their spouses during this major scandal . Is that normal . Im told it is apparently, all of them were elbow deep in heartshaped waffles. Good for them im happy for them stephen well, i assume you and the congressman have some special plans for tonight . Oh, definitely stephen im sure congressman collins has a big surprise planned for whenever he gets done talking about Michael Flynn. He does love that Michael Flynn. Ill bet they had valentines day lunch together. But hell be home for dinner. Im sure of it i have to be. Stephen well, happy valentines day, mrs. Collins. Yeah. Happy regular day stephen mrs. Congressman collins everybody well be back with Christine Baranski cheers and applause by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] how do you become americas bestselling brand . You make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. 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So what do you propose . That i not leave. That i close the case and, um, that i stay on. In what position . This position. My current position. You signed your exit agreement. Well, yes, but i would suggest we rip that up for the moment. Unfortunately, i dont think that works for us. Stephen please welcome Christine Baranski cheers and applause thank you for being here. Youre my date its valentines day. Stephen happy valentines day. Would you like . I would, thank you. Stephen its a whitman sampler, only the finest. laughter my grandfather gave my grandmother whitman samplers. Stephen on valentines day . Yes. Youre my date tonight. Wheres the key . Stephen what am i looking for . You point to something and ill tell you what it is. I like dark chocolate. Stephen thats a chocolate truffle. Good choice. Youre classy. applause mmm, mmm oh, mines good. Stephen very tough. laughter you realize that chardonnay stephen would go great now. It was welchs white grape juice which has so much sugar in it im on a sugar buzz. Stephen im so sorry we didnt have real wine for you. That would be interesting. laughter stephen my rule is you should probably eat the caramel in rehearse toll make sure you know how long it takes. Lick your teeth a little bit. Let me see. Mmhmm. Right over here. I really am your date. Because only laughter is that right . cheers and applause stephen well, im sorry, christine. Thats all we have time for. Thank you so much for being here. laughter last time we saw each other is a salute to a Great American song book at the lincoln center. A lot of people may not know you have such a beautiful singing voice. cheers and applause why arent you on broadway more often . Because i have been doing seven years of the good wife and we went right into the good fight. Stephen slid right into it . You know what we had in common is the first musical i did in new york is company. I saw you in company. Stephen i did that for one week in lincoln center. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. What was terrifying to you. Stephen sondheim, and that voice, bobby, bobby, coming over for dinner Stephen Bobby baby . Yeah. Stephen an unforgettable sound track. Try sweeny todd. But at the song book event, i got to be on stage with Carol Burnett and julie andrews. Stephen unbelievable applause i see you on stage with them because youre the consummate pro. Youre absolutely the kind of performer who can land a punch line like a dime in a shot glass from 20 feet. Youre just absolutely such a brilliant and precise performer, i just admire you so much. Continue. laughter stephen well, now weve got the good fight its called the good fight. Stephen sounds a lot like the good wife. Mmhmm. Stephen in this how similar is it . Im similar in that i was on the the good wife for seven years and now im in the pilot and im the ostensible series lead. But it is the Diane Lockhart character you see in the pilot being very diane, you know, as you saw in that scene. You know, shes about to retire, shes reached the top of her game. Shes always well dressed and dignified, but onethird the way through the pilot, she loses all her money in a madoff ponzi scheme and shes looking for work and thats the scene you saw in her own law firm. Its a woman having to start her life again. Stephen now that i understand one of the biggest perks is i love this shot. Whats this sphnchts this lasts about ten minutes but when theyre promoting a show, youre on billboards and buses pass by and your picture. This past saturday, i was going to the theater in brooklyn, and i hailed a cab on lexington avenue, and it pulled up and i opened the door and i went i said to the taxi driver. I said, could you just hold for a second . Stand there taking pictures of myself. And i said, im sorry, mister, but thats me on the top of the cab and next week i wont be on the top of the cab. Stephen those sound like two lines from a sondheim song. laughter yes, exactly stephen you had to reshoot the first scene of the first episode, right . Well, what happened was we were shooting the pilot just before, during and after the election, and the pilot was written on the supposition we would have a female president. audience reacts stephen i know the feeling. laughter anyway, so then, you know, we shot the pilot, but in editing, they realized they had an opportunity. It was a brandnew a brave new world we are now in. So they changed the opening of the pilot, which is stephen we actually have it here. Do you have it . I Donald John Trump do solemnly swear i Donald John Trump do solemnly swear that i will faithfully execute that