And musical guests japandroids. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you. Thank you very much. Whats going on . Whats up . Thanks, everybody, in here, out there, all around the world. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Lets get right to it. I want to get these jokes out before trump fires me. laughter the big story is that at 8 00 tonight, donald trump announced his pick for the Supreme Court live from the white house. I will never forget where i was when i heard the news sitting in an edit room inserting this clip into the monologue, because we tape the show at 5 30. laughter are you ready . Trumps scotus nominee is. Federal judge neil gorsuch audience boo stephen you know nothing about him yet. Dont boo yet. Let me say it, and then boo. laughter no surprise he chose him. He is a strict constitutional originalist. That means he rules only as the Founding Fathers intended in cases like marbury vs electricity is the devils magic and the people vs. Slavery is cool, right . laughter now, were just 10 days in, and it feels like its total chaos at the white house, and this is supposed to be the honeymoon. How could trump blow the honeymoon . Hes had three of them. laughter cheers and applause this is what youve been traeng for, sir now, i dont know, heres the thing. It was chaos during the campaign, too. You dont know if its real chaos or planned chaos. Its cunning. Does donald trump not know what hes doing, or not know what hes doing. Like a fox laughter now, we will explore that question tonight in my new segment, whats happening . Whats happening . applause stephen well, whats happening right now is that last night trump fired acting attorney general sally yates, seen here looking like the actress who will eventually play her in the tv movie. He fired her because she instructed the Justice Department not to defend his refugee ban. And the white house released a statement about it. Now, we dont know who wrote it, but let me read it to you. The acting attorney general, sally yates, has betrayed the department of justice. Ms. Yates is an Obama Administration appointee who is weak on borders and very weak on illegal immigration. Sad. laughter now, people have started calling the firing of yeats, the monday night massacre, which is what i believe they call monday night football, when the browns are playing. So right or wrong, it has been a disaster with stories like and hes a u. S. Citizen. Now, this sounds bad, but yesterday, White House Press secretary and angry neck with ears, sean spicer defending the detainment. The point is you can go through and nitpick and say, well this individual but thats why we slow it down a little, to make sure that if they are a fiveyearold, that maybe that theyre with their parents and dont pose a threat. But to assume, just because of someones age or gender or whatever, that they dont pose a threat would be misguided and wrong. Stephen yeah, not handcuffing a child is a security risk. We all know kids go through stages. The terrible twos, the fatwah fives. This boy fit the profile. He was a young, unmarried male arriving from iran. He could have been radicalized or, if he missed his nap, very cranky. Bottom line what hes saying is spicer wants you to remember that you can never be safe from anyone anywhere, regardless of race, gender, or age. Its like they say if you see someone, say something. Fortunately, fortunately, folks, trs a band of heroic gogetters who could lead us out of this dark time congressional democrats. Last night, they held a rally on the steps of the Supreme Court, presumably, to kiss it goodbye. And in this hour of crisis, nancy pelosi rallied a troubled nation with these immortal words good evening, everyone. Thank you very much for coming out. Is the sound working . Got it . The sound working . No. I dont think they can hear it. I can hear you. Can you hear us . Is the sound working . laughter stephen were doomed. laughter its like the battle cry in braveheart they may take away our lives, but theyll never take away our. Hello . Is this thing on . Can you guys hear me in the back there . Oh, theyre tearing me guts out oh hello hello hello, cleveland. Dont worry, though. Even without a working mic, nancy pelosi brought out the big guns in the fight against trump. Shall we sing this land is your land again until they get the sound working . Stephen of course you should. Singing always works. Just like patton defeated hitler with jazz hands. laughter okay lets all stay cheerful here. Okay, so maybe the dems screwed the pooch on this one, but i happen to know they have a plan for dealing with trumps Supreme Court pick. And its to let republicans confirm trumps pick. Genius. Oooh, hell never see nothing coming. Its the strategy sun tzu so cunningly describes in the art of war, use your underwear as a white flag, if you havent crapped it yet. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. When we come back, well go over trumps executive orders with a special friend, so stick around. Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. I bet you a buck hek catches this salt shaker. U. Youre on. Hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming. 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Good to see you cheers and applause you know, i dont know where you guys get your news out there, but i love i love the usa today. Its got all this color and everything. I get Home Delivery of the usa today because it makes me feel like i live in an embassy suites. And i love todays headlines. It says, 10 days. 20 executive orders. Okay. Hes pulled out of trade deals, approved the border wall, revived the keystone pipeline. I just got to imagine, though, after 10 days and 20 orders, hes got to be done, right. There cant be any more of these executive orders. Hes got more, hes got more. Trust me, hes got more. cheers and applause hes got more. cheers and applause . Stephen ladies and gentlemen, jon stewart. Jon stewart, everybody. So good, so good. Thank you. Jon, please, please, join us. Jon stewart, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thank you. Jon, i have to say thank you so much thank you cheers and applause thank you stephen jon, i have to say i i love your outfit. Is this is this is this your donald trump impression . I thought this is how men dressed now. I thought this is the president sets mens fashion. And i saw the inauguration superlong tie, dead animal on head, boom laughter boom done boom stephen its a good look. You rock it. You rock the look, jon. No, its the best. Its the best. Stephen well, jon, you know, you know its always a pleasure to have you stop by. Is. Is there anything i can do for you, jon . He has more executive orders. You were talking about president trump, executive orders. Stephen oh, thats right. He has more and i have them. Stephen wairkt you say you have ive got stephen you have trumps executive orders. Would you like me to read some . cheers and applause stephen will the pile the pile of props behind my desk . Left them right behind your desk. Stephen i didnt even see them before. I apologize. I dont know if you know this. I sleep here. Stephen oh, thats right. Youre homeless now. Im homeless now. Stephen that youre no longer on cable. Thats right. Stephen this right here, this right here here stephen this is one of his executive orders. Number one. cheers and applause stephen jon, is this is this one of the rescue animals from the farm . laughter applause he looks so happy. I really thought for a second he was trying to climb down. Stephen please, do go on. Number one people, this nation is in crisis. This is serious. Stephen all right, please, executive order number one. Executive order number one by the Authority Vested in me by the constitution, i, donald j. Jonah jameson trump, hereby direct that, to secure our border, china china, shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall. Done. Boom. Done, boom. Done, boom. Stephen i understand, i heard chinas wall, sent towrks boom stephen i heard the boom. Done stephen i heard the done. Stephen how then do we get mexico to pay for it . This is the genius, stephen. When the wall arrives at the southern border, we shut the lights and pretend were not home. Its c. O. D. Mexico has to sign for it. Done. Boom. For editing purposes what do you want me to do with this. Stephen leave it right there. Its way too long and youre going to edit it. Stephen is it too long. Audience no stephen will make it longer . Keep the hat on. No, no. Stephen the hat comes off. If you say continuity doesnt matter, bleep the whole thing. cheers and applause stephen what is this . What is this . This next encyclical stephen encyclical, jon. I do pronounce america finally has an official language. Stephen and i assume thats english. No, the new official language of the United States is bleep . cheers and applause i, donald j. Trump, have instructed my staff to speak only in bleep . And, by the way, none of that, sure, ill speak bleep at work, but at home ill use facts and real information. no. bleep all the time. Immersion its the only way to be fluent. cheers and applause stephen now, jon, i just want to point out, i hold in my hand the last executive order. Oh, no from the desk of donald j. Trump. Hold on. Mmm. I wonder what it says . Stephen sis, boom, bah. That would have killed at the United Nations National Assembly in 1977. Stephen this is the last. You hold in your hand the very last. This is the last one. Are you ready for the final donald j. Trump executive order. Stephen sit down. Now, back, down, down. Down, boy oh its a clipon. laughter applause its its a bleep clipon. Where is the mic . Let me say something. This is for budgetary purposes. Necessary the new trump white houses fiscally sound thats in my oh, boy stephen and the last executive order is. May i read the last executive order. Stephen yes, you may. I, donald j. Trump, do declare by executive order that i, donald j. Trump, am exhausting. It has been 11 days, stephen. 11 bleep days. 11 the presidency is supposed to age the president , not the public cheers and applause and the reason this is the reason that i, donald j. Trump thi this is his words the reason that i, donald j. Trump, am exhausting, is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological selfregard calls me to abuse of power. I want i, donald j. Trump, want 92, deserve, not just your respect, but your admiration. Parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing. And why cant they train 10,000 doves to spell out trump in the clouds . How hard can it be . Theyre already flying i, donald j. Trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, donald j. Trump, from going full palpatine, with the lightning coming out of the fingertips. Yes, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. We have never faced this perfect. Forful vindictive chaos. But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of i, donald j. Trumps presidency. All action will be necessary. An if we do not allow donald trump to exhaust our fight and somehow come through this presidency calamitiyless, and constitutionally intact, then i, donald j. Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of america, just not the way i thought i would. cheers and applause stephen jon stewart, everybody well be right back with josh groban who was that . Wait. Who was that . The people you love, closo does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. 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Yeah, im i couldnt help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. Yeah, this bad boy gives you Coverage Options based on your budget. Oh oh, not so fast, tadpole. You have to learn to swim first. Claire, heres your name your price tool. Oh, thanks, flo. Mmhmm. Jamie, dont forget to clean the fridge when youre done. She seems nice. She seems nice. [ door closes ] shes actually pretty nice. Oh. Yeah. Everybody. My first guest tonight a multiplatinum band playing agreement nominated performer here to celebrate his broadway danew. Please welcome josh groban. Good to see you. Thanks for having me. Wow. Stephen now, obviously, youre a worldrenowned singer, beloved by millions thank you. Stephen you are looking a little scruffy these days. I am, yes. Stephen what is the vibe that youre sending off to the to the grobanites. Oh, yes. My fan bairkts some point in my career, decided theyd call themselves grobanites. It sounds like you need a lotion for that. Stephen or its like like an obscure form of amish. Oh, yeah, yes. The grobanites. Oh, how they plow, the grobanites. How they tend to my field. Stephen just lose this yes. Stephen and i can see you in a straw hat saying, hello, english. Look under your chairs. Bread for everyone. Stephen yes. Im growing the beard for that very broadway production you were talking about, natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812. And also stephen here it is right here. Its at the imperial theatre. Beautiful play. Its a lot of fun. And i i dont know. Its different for me. Thats i guess my gibe im sending out to the grobanites right now, is hairy bleep is my viep right now. Stephen its based in part on war and peace. It is. Our producer found this 70page section of war and peace expwts he thought it would be a great basis for a musical and especially kind of the time wiers in now, when you contemporize Something Like this story it really has much deeper meaning. I peer pierre from war and peace and thats why i have a beard. Its an amazing kind of electropop stephen have you read war and paetion . I am about 820 and a half pages into it somebody goes, yeah thanks. Its a doorstop of a novel. Stephen how far is that from the end . I have never read it . 820 pages. How far from the end . I would say i have 300 or so pages to go. Thats a lot of toilet time. laughter . Stephen do you know how it . Endz who wins, war and peace . I think a little bit of both. I think its a good war and peace blend at the end. Its balanced. Stephen here you are as pierre right here. You are wearing a fat suit in there. Yeah. Stephen why not just gain the weight . Why not pull a de niro and go to italy and eat your way down the boot. As fun as that sounds, i probably couldnt ifimented to because im sweating so much in that very suit, the ironic thing siwind up burning so many calories doing the show stephen if you were fat, you wouldnt have to wear the suit. Thats exactly right, sure. We also have very good point. laughter thats why youre you. Stephen thats exactly right. laughter . We have so many stairs on the stage that we sometimes have thought about putting a fitbit on and see how many stars we climb opinion 50 flights a show or Something Like that. Stephen one of the interesting things about the show is the stage is very immersive. Are you over and around the audience and the audience is on stage. Yeah. Stephen is that distract . Youre right in there with the audience and theyre with you. Youre look people dead in the eye, youre singing into their faces. Youre spitting on their tables at times. Stephen is that extra . Youre spitting on their tables . You get very salivating when youre singing big stuff. And its just you know, sometimes you see a friend you didnt know was going to be there and they give you a. While youre walk down trying to do a really serious number. Sometimes a celebrity will show up. Stephen oh the critic week was really interesting because they all had their notepads on their expweez usually in the normal theater theyre sitting out in the darkness and you dont know theyre there, and you see famous critics and theyre on the stage and youre singing your guts out and theyre going. Very terrifying, terrifying. Stephen youre famous for having a beautiful voice and a big voice. Why so long why did it take you so long to get to broadway . It seemed a natural fit. It was my first dream. I dreamed of broadway when i was a kid. Im like you, a sondheim nut, listening to the storytelling and the shows. I was a musical theater major in college when i got signed to my record deal. It was definitely a fork in the road. I wanted to wait for the right i wanted toerate waite for the right things, so i could be challenging, so i could be different from what i normally do and a piece i thought would be new for broadway. And while it has taken a while, im glad i waited for it. Stephen i understand, in order to do this part, you actually had to get a new lady in your life. You, yourself, are surgeon right . I am single, yes. Stephen how does a guy before we get to that my moms friends are here. Its laughter . Stephen but i imagine if you dont have a date for the evening, you can open up the window of your car and sing for a while, and people will come over and ask you out. Its got its got to be, you know, a great calling card. I never viewed my voice that way and never viewed my music that way. You should. Rrrr thanks, stephen. Stephen hey, gone to my head. Mr. Colbert. Stephen but singing can be very seductive. I bet you could plow your way through the baibz. When i sing stephen to put it crudely. To put it crudely. I didnt mean that. I bet you could cut a swath to the local were talking stephen no, but obviously, songs are seductive. My songs are sometimes event songs. If i were to roll down my stretch limousine window, i no, i dont have stephen the groab mobile. The groab mobile, yes, hop in the jacuz. I would probably sing one of my songs and somebody would be like, that was in my uncles funeral love you, man not sex, not, you know stephen well, okay. Do you want to have sex where are you going . Yeah. Stephen no, you do have a new lady in your life. Understand. Its a very special lady. Oelga. Stephen oelga. I understand my accordion. I named my accordion olga. I squeeze her laughter nightly. Stephen did you know how to play the accordion before . I did not. I played piano growing up. The keys are kind of the same. The buttons are different. I took the accordian all over the world to learn how to play for the show. Its a great instrument. You feel it breathing with you. You feel it i have braight against you. Its very laughter its boy. laughter . Stephen far more intimate conversation than i thought it was going to be. You play the piano, is it is the fingering the same . laughter i dont know. I dont know. Is it im just asking questions here . Um, it is. You know, its the keys the keys feel a little different. And youre going blind. Like i said, youre going up the steps and youre walk through the audience so its a little bit different, but its a lot of fun to play, yeah. Stephen the grobanites thats it. Stephen the grobanites, i understand they make you things . Yeah, theyre very crafty. These are my dolls. These are my pierre dolls. They made me dolls, like fan art dolls for my character. And ill get one, like, every night, theyll send me a new dog doll, and they are my only friends. laughter very lonely. Broadway life is very lonely. Stephen well, youve got olga now. I do, thats true, and you now, apparently, so, yeah, yeah. Stephen wow. I feel like the sexual tension tonight has just been is this mine . laughter . Stephen thats yours. Thats yours, yeah. laughter i drank out of it first. I understand oprah has had you on so many times. Yeah. Stephen youre an oprah regular over the years. Shes been very good to me. Stephen do you guys keep in touch . Every so often ill talk to oprah. Shes shes the best. Shes just wonderful. She was here recently, wasnt she . Stephen yeah, yeah. She is actually on cbs now, she just joined 60 minutes. Its now going to be called 59 minutes of oprah and whatever else you got. Free stuff. Stephen exactly. Could you just call her up and go, whats up . I think you wait fair call from oprah. I dont think you make the call. I got a very nice video from her once when she was she was very kind when i had a christmas album, she put that on her show, and she was wrapping gifts and listening to my album and wished me a merry christmas. This was a few years ago. I was very grateful for that. At some point she had me skype her friend to sing happy birthday over the computer. That was weird and awesome. Stephen so, oprah always on glawl you can get a groban to sing a happy birthday for you . You never know. Stephen oprah can just go, have him shaved and brought to my tent. Thats it. Yes, yes. Stephen thank you so much for being here. I really enjoyed bhrg it all. Natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812 is on broadway now. Josh groban, everybody well be right back with rachael ray. To say any of this. Mushy garbage you know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. Shocked by your wireless bill every month . Additional fees. Tacked on taxes. Come on with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included get 4 lines of unlimited lte data for 40 bucks each. Thats right all unlimited. 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My next guest is the host of the Emmy Awardwinning show, rachael ray. Please welcome rachael ray applause nice to see you hi im so excited to be here. Stephen im so excited to have you here. Last time you and i were at a place together was also a very fun event. Do you remember where that was . I do. It was the last bash at the white house. Stephen yeah. It was the obamas lets lose the damage deposit party a week before the Trump Administration started. We literally ran into you, my husband and i ran you over. Sorry about that. Stephen not at all, not at all. A pleasure. I am so terrible at going to things like that. Its great when folks come to our show. I get to cook for them, i feel very comfortable, im in my element. Gog parties, ive been working restaurants since i was 12. I dont get invited to parties. I wait on people. I want to go to parties and clear things. Im so nervous you. Stephen cant do that at the white house. Let me take those dishes to the back room. Secret service will tase you if you do that. I feel so wildly uncomfortable. When we got there we were talking to Julia Louisdreyfus on the line stephen hold on a second. Name drop. I was like, oh, i know that person. I can chat with them. She said, this one is going to go really late. I said, no, its only until 10 30. She said, thats the doors. Stephen right. So we hired a dog sitter for our pit bull only until 11 00. We didnt bring our phones stephen youre not allowed to bring your phone in. I know, but people check them and you must get them back. Stephen they give them back to you. During the party, people were taking pictures. John said we have no phones and we have no way to reach the dog sitter. Stephen what dime did you leave . I think it was 12 30 glts. Stephen thats what they started making the chicken and waffles. I know. I saw everybody elses tweets. Stephen let me ask you, i like to cook. I dont think im a very good cook, but i really enjoy it. Why do you like to cook . How did you get started . I think it improves the quality of everyones life. You know, my mom was one of 10 kids, and she was first. So she was always in the kitchen, you know, with my grandfather. My grandpa lived with us when i was little. And i really have been in a kitchen all of my life. And i stephen do you remember the first thing she taught you to make . I was on my moms hip in the kitchen my first memory is literally, she had to unravel herself from a phone cord, and she put me down. And tried to reach up and grab the pan on the stove. My first memory is literally grilling im sort of like the harry potter of food. I grilled my thumb, and i think i was marked for life that i was going to be a cook. But i think it really does improve your life. Stephen so the first thing you remember cooking is yourself. Myself so proud mom was so proud no, when youre a little kid, it gives you great selfesteem. When youre a young adult and poor you know you can provide for yourself. You can always get a date. The way to anybody is through your stomach. Youre employed. People not only like to cook but watch people cook. You know. Stephen i understand you sell furniture now . I design furniture. Yeah, isnt that weird. Stephen have you run up on the of other products to sell . I doold. Everything in my life is in little notebooks. I doodle food and i doodle furniture. And a friend of mine said, i really like your home and your sense of design. Why dont you take those doodles. And he actually makes furniture and is an engineer and proper contractor. He made them look like real drawings and took them to a Furniture Company and there you go. Stephen what is it called. Rachel ray home furnishing. Thats very creative, isnt it. Stephen you do doodle. You sent me this very lovely thing. Do you mind fishow this. Stephen its your stephen i heard you actua cook, and i thought you might like grits. Stephen how did you know this was my favorite comfort food. Shrimp and grits. Look at this, this lovely recipe right there. And theres your hot sauce. Stephen and there is also boor. Is that to drink while im cooking . Both, to go in. It. And there for the cooking. When i write my thank you notes, if i think its somebody who likes to cook i foodle. Stephen thats beautiful. Thank you very much. I will make this at some point. applause you also, even your what is it like to go Grocery Shopping with you . This is your grocery list. This is an idea. This looks like like a manifesto by the unabomber. I said im a very penandpaper sort of person. I have to have sort of a game plan when i go there. And i have little categories of what johns going to get, what my mom can pick up, what i pick up. Its bad. I know. I need a i need another hobby. Stephen is this an average thats one page. Every week is usually three or four. Stephen wow wow its what i do. Stephen is this ths not the show. This is for you. No, but we always have people over and i cook for my family, and i like to leave food for my mom when i go back to work. I like to cook a lot of food. Stephen as well you should because you have to do it every day. Three times a day and then gihome and make dinner. Stephen 30minute meals, how does that come about . I was working in a market and none of my customers would buy the groceries. I was the grocery buyers for the store. And couldnt get anybody to buy the groceries so i looked like i really sucked at my job so i start aid 30minute meal cooking class to train people to make me more successful at my job. So if i thought them how too cook they would come and buy the fooled. Stephen so deps rarration was the mother of invention. Desperation, exactly there was a Pizza Company that had a 30minute promise, 30 minutes or your pizza was free but thats because of the accidents and lawsuits. I figured if you made 30 minutes for crappy pizza very good pizza im sure. Stephen they might be a sponsor. We dont know at this point. Thats all we have time for, rachel. Thank you very much for being here. Nice to see you again. You can find her furniture line at rachelray. Com. Rachael ray, everybody well be right back with a performance by japandroids. ,,,,, stephen here performing near to the wild heart of life, ladies and gentlemen, japandroids the futures under fire the past is gaining ground a continuous cold war between my home and my hometown i was destined to die dreaming when one day, my best friend with passion and pure provocation summoned me and said you cant condemn your love to linger here and die cant leave your dreams to chance or to a spirit in the sky may your heart always be ardent your conscience always clear and succumb to the city and surrender, baby ill be waiting here and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby so i left my home and all i had i used to be good but now im bad it was last call at my local and i stalled saying goodbye so the girl behind the bar came over and she took me aside she kissed me like a chorus, said give iem hell for us the last drink of the night, last night in town baby, this one is on the house and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby so i left my home and all i had i used to be good but now im bad it was bedlam in my bed that night and like a silent scream my body broke out in a sweat from seeing you in dreams you called out to me i sang back to you and all i remember was the sound of it being like all hell breaking loose and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby and it got me all fired up to go far away and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby so i left my home and all i had i used to be good but now im bad cheers and applause their album, near to the wild heart of life, is available now. Japandroids, everybody well be right back. ,,,,,,,, vo maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. Or here, when you walked away without a scratch. Maybe it was the day your baby came home. Or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. Every subaru is built to earn your trust. Because we know what youre trusting us with. Subaru. Kelley blue books most trusted brand. And best overall brand. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rickie gervais, christina ricci, and musical guest, jain. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from an alternate
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