Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170117

Thats the part that seems in poor taste, is it just me . All right. How about 35 off mall mattresses and 40 for black people. No, look, maybe it would be more respectful to dr. King to not sell mattresses today. Besides, the two dont really have that much in common, anyway. Dually noted but can we still have a mattress sale on columbus day. Oh yeah, that guy was a monster. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, he welcomes sarah paul sen, corey stoll, miss kal guest nick granted and jan batistement now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen whooo stephen hey. Thanks so much, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy Martin Luther king day, everybody. applause can we get a shot of the dome . Is it possible . applause thats up there all the time. It just happens to be fitting tonight. laughter for anyone who had today off, i hope you sell braited in the traditional way by sleeping in so you too could have a dream. laughter donald trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of africanamerican history, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the National Museum of africanamerican history. Although i guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is trump learning more about segregation trumps been very busy, very busy guy. Very busy guy. applause that ones for you, sir. Trump spent the weekend attacking civil rights icon john lewis on twitter. Now to be fair, congressman lewis kind of started started ie appeared on the goatee report with chuck todd and said this. I dont see president elect as a legitimated president. You do not consider him a legitimate president. Why is that . I think the russians participated in helping this man get elected. Stephen strong words, strong, accurate words. applause . Stephen in response to this opinion, trump tweeted, congressman lewis should spend more time on fixing and helping his district which is in horrible shape and falling part. Not to mention crime infested, rather than falsely complain being the election result. All talk talk talk, no action or results. Sad. Yes. Well said. John lewis is all talk, talk, talk. Unlike a real leader like trump who is all tweet, tweet, tweet. So applause . Jon tbeet tweet, tweet, tweet. Stephen so trump spent the Martin Luther king weekend attacking a civil rights leader who marched and was beaten with dr. King. What is he going to do on easter, loser jesus dead for three days, then wakes up, fake news, i like gods who dont die, where is the rebirth certificate. cheers and applause z i dont get it i get t i get. Stephen budda youre fat. laughter trump has been lashing out at a lot of people lately. Hes even lashed out at his friend with benefits, the media. There is a rumor going around, just started this last week that trump may evict the press from their offices in the white house. He has got to hes got to make room hes got to make room for putins d o. J. O in case are you wondering, this is not normal. Reporters have had a workspace in the white house since teddy roosevelt. Fun fact, back then the roosevelt room was just called the room. laughter now why would trump kick the press out of the white house . According to an anonymous member of the Transition Team the press is quote the opposition party. I want them out of the building. So there you have it. The free press joins trump and along with intelligence agencies, civil rights leaders, meryl streep, and nonabsorb abt hotel mat absorbent hotel mattresses. applause but ill tell you one thing, i hope that russian mattress wasnt a memory foam or or that mattress is going to wake up screaming some day. But mike pence, remember mike pence . Mike pence wants you to know its something sinnister here. Esquire has a report that the Trump Administration is thinking of moving the press out of the white house. Is that a logistical move or peun tiff move. No decision has been made on that yet. The white house is actually 18 acres. Theyre giving some consideration to finding a larger venue on the 18 acres. Stephen yeah, and if they cant find room for them in the white house, they will just send the press to that farm upstate. You know, they will be happier running around chasing rabbits and ethic violations with your childhood dog. But if the press is being kicked out because they are the enemy, then why do they also want them to have more room. According to trump press secretary, this is about greater accessibility, more people in the process. Oh, okay so they want to get rid of the press, but make room for more reporters who arent the opposition. I wonder what that would look like. To see what that looks like, weve obtained this exclusive footage of my imagination. Hmmmm. Mr. President , mr. President , sarah miller, true patriot. Power flag, please report on the totally real news that nancy pelosi is running a sex ring in the pizza basement. We bunk the news, you can please exexplain why are you so great. Mr. President , mr. President. Frank dewit from frank dewits facialbook page. What can i say to my mef u brian at din tore make him look like a real sissy in front of his girlfriend. Mr. President , mr. President , mr. President. From the burger king kings menu. What is your favorite menu item. Mr. President. Cnn, mr. President the scandals continue to amalgamate. Stephen i hope hes okay. applause wow, my imagination takes a long time to get into and which get out of it really fast. Heres some things he might have to answer some questions about fairly soon. There has been some trouble with the inauguration we styed besides who is been inaugurated. This past weekend after it was announced that she would definitely be performing for trump, broadway store Jennifer Holliday has pulled out of the event. applause so talented. Such a talented, loverly lady. And i believe we have footage of her official statement to the inaugural committee. Im not going. Stephen thats fair. Thats fair. But as we talked on friday, i told you this on friday, one of trumps big guests was springsteen cover act the b street band. But now theyve also withdrawn from the inaugural. applause theyre out. The b street band. Jon get the c street band. Stephen thissive goes trumps no choice now but to book my musical act, the g street band, new jersey best b street band cover band the songs you love covered and then those covers are covered again by us. Now applause heres some shocking news. Ringling brothers and barnum and bailey is officially sutting down. Yeah. Apparently, apparently apparently the circus doesnt think they could compete against a trump presidency. laughter makes sense. Plus, what with all what with all the marriages, he does have three rings. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Youre very kind. Exactly what that deserved, thank you, joe. Its too bad the circus employs 500 people who are now sadly packing their things and all getting too a single clown car. laughter this is sad news for every kid threatening to run away and join the circus. And also sad news for every parent with a creepy oldfashioned kid who still says stuff like that. This really is, i believe, the end of an era. Since the ringling brothers circus has been running for 146 years. Which it makes it the second longest running show in history right after the sampsons. laughter simpsons. Now the circus wont officially close until may, so if you did not get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you. But the circus tradition, the circus tradition may live on with this administration. After all pt barnum was a famous showman and selfpromoter who ended up going into politics late in life. And while trump wrote the art of the 2k50e8, barnum actually wrote a book called the art of money getting. Its an awkward title but he hadnt read the art of word using yet. And of course, though pt barnum is famous for saying there is a sucker born every minute, donald trump is famous for proving it it. cheers and applause . Stephen first lets talk about obamacare. Tonights werd. Stick around. ,, stephen happy birthday. Oh my god. Thats nice. Thats beautiful. cheers and applause say i had to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause jon, what year were you born . Jon im born in 1986. Stephen you werent even born when that song came out. You know what album that is from . Jon is it hotter than july. Stephen exactly right. I thought i could tv stump you but i could not. Jon no, no, no. Stephen i apologize for even attempting. Its not only Martin Luther king day stvment also obamas last week in office. And of course obama is determined to protect his entire legacy. And republicans are just as determined to make sure his entire legacy was that time he wore mom jeans. laughter they are going to get rid of everything hes done starting with the Affordable Care act. Which they have already voted to kill more than 60 times. You know the old saying f at first you dont succeed, tie try try try, try, try, try try try try, try, try, try, try try try try try, try, try, try, try try try try, try, try, try, try try try try, try try, try try try try, try, try, try try try try, try try try try again. And this time is that right . Is that right. Jon that was right. Stephen let me do my math. Now this time the republicans mean it. Republican senator mike enziofwyoming said the obamacare bridge is collapsing and were ending in a rescue team. One of those rescue teams that tears down bridges and goes home. Yesterday donald trump tried to assure people currently covered by the law that he has a plan. Its not going to be their plan. It will be another plan. But they will be beautifulfully covered. Stephen oh, dont worry, if you are losing your obamacare you will be beautifulfully covered. Either by insurance or six feet of dirt. Either way, just beautiful. So nice. So beautiful. Were going to tramp the dirt down, well tramp it down all smooth. Its going to be beautiful. So we know republicans, we know republicans are going to replace it. And they havent told us with what. But i think theyve given us a hinted. And that brings us to tonights werd. Repeal and erase. Everyone in the gop is on board with kill og bamacare. And president elect trump knows how its going to go down. It will be repeal and replace. It it will be essentially simultaneously. It will be various segments, you understand, but will most likely be on the same day or the same week but probably the same day. Could be the same hour. Stephen yeah. Same hour, same minute, maybe the same second, hell, all things in history may happen at exactly the same time if congress can just get the delorean to generate 1. 21 jiggawatts. Thank you, senator sanders. Just one problem. cheers and applause theres just one problem with their plan to repeal and replace. Its the replace part. Just ask republican senator and moms first boyfriend after the tors divorce tom cotton. He said quote we havent coalesced around a solution for six years in part because its so complicated. Yeah, its just so darn complicated. Republicans are like a dog that finally catches the car hes been chasing for six years. He crashes into it, then cant even go to the vet because they repealed fidocare. And heres the thing. Repeal without replace could cause political backlash because under obamacare 20 Million People have gotten health insurance. Over 6 million of whom are trumps core supporters. They are white, white, White Working Class voters. And repealing obamacare without replacing it would cost 3 million jobs. What are those people going to do for work. And its estimated, its estimated the repeal would cost 1. 5 trillion. Now 1. 5 trillion might sound like a lot, but for that much money, you also dont get health insurance. Of course we wont know the official numbers until the Congressional Budget Office releases its report which by law it must do for any bill over 5 billion. With one, this is kind of funny exception, thanks to new rules passed by the republicans, this law shall not apply to repealing the Affordable Care act. Thats right. The gop is so confident the repeal will save money, that they dont want to know if thats true. And if congress can make it illegal for us to know how much it costs to repeal obamacare, i think they might have stumbled on the replacement. Just make it illegal for your doctor to tell you your diagnosis. That way, that way youll never need insurance as far as you know. Well, mr. Johnston, have i your chart right here. Lets see. And i cant legally tell you how you are. U h, just make the most of your day. And heres a hint, dont worry about the expiration dates on your food. Your milks going to be fine. So republicans, soo republicans are right to keep news the dark. I know when someone is screwing me, i like to keep the lights off. And thats the werd. Stick around, we have sarah paul sen. Paulsen. applause ,,,, stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight just won a golden globe for the people versus o. J. Simpson, American Crime story. Please welcome sarah paulsen. applause hi s this one mine . Stephen that one is yours. Mine is over here. Your ises cold, mine is hot. Yours is hot. Stephen mine is hot coffee. No one ever told me no, just hot water. Because its cold in here, no, anyone . Stephen thats called comedy weather. Ive heard about it ive heard of the cold. Stephen if you are close to chattering your teeth, its very close to laughing at the same time, just out of freeze that you might freeze you just start to giggle. The last time were you here you. I really thought it was probably not a super great look. Guppy mouth is not good. Stephen there. You like it . Stephen i made a career with that mouth. Me too, weirdly. Stephen the last time you were here you won an emmy and a golden globe. Congratulations. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen oh my god, our sew warm. Now okay, listen, at this point, at this point, are you tired of being grateful publicly . Because people are going i didnt expect it, did you really not expect it or. I havent watched it, so i dont know. Stephen havent watched what. People versus o. J. , American Crime story. Jon what . You hadnt watched it the last time but that is like nine months ago. I have seen everybody elses work who has been nominated and i think is easier to sit in your chair if you are clapping for someone else if you dont know what you did. I could have been super stinky, and like oh yeah, that girl totally deserves it it. It is easier to just so i havent watched it. Stephen its very good. Its very good which i hope so. Stephen so you are doing this sort of selfdefensively. Yeah, im protecting myself from the trauma that is losing. Stephen so if you lose and never saw you. Then i go, i might have really, really been stinky. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen and you were nominated because of graft . Because. They. Stephen felt bad. They felt bad for me. Stephen that is what hollywood has, a huge heart. Yeah, thats probably not. Stephen when someone else wins, because im sure you have been nominated before and not won that happens. Just like six times. Stephen when you sit there, what goes through. You clap, and you think i hope i look normal. And like not like im dying inside. Stephen do you ever like, the trip for me is i turn to the person next to me and do i this. Are you my friend, i have just lost, ready. You are my friend in this scenario. You have a friend. Stephen and the winner is not you. Oh yeah. Thats a good thing to do. Stephen thats really good. And you look up there, and you go. Yeah, so happy for you. Yes, you, you, so good. Stephen fantastic. But inside are you like you fall into a pit of viepers. Stephen you cuz i do watch myself. You do watch yourself, good for you. Stephen yeah, i need the ratings. laughter is this true, because have i something here, and it is either, we either have vermin in the house or this is actually Marcia Clarks wig. You actually travel with your marcia clark wig everywhere you go. I do. I travel. Stephen smells great. It i travel with t i take it with me to hotel rooms before i get ready for these events because i. Stephen did you wear it the night before you came here. I did. It is just a way of communing with the thing that had been so great. Which was wearing this thing. Stephen uhhuh. On my head. Do you want to try it it on. Stephen i would love to try it on. applause your honor, but if he made it to rockingham by 11 00, where did he hide the knife. Is that what i did . Was i like that. Stephen exactly, exactly, my impression of you. Wow, i feel empowered. I do. I like to carry around. It is really nice to see it. Stephen uhhuh. You can unhand it now . Stephen no, you. I like to keep it it close. laughter youre such a good boy. Stephen i understand you also, to get in character you wore her perfumeness i did wear her perfume. Her extremely stinky perfume it was not a good scent. People could smell. Stephen what was it. It was called magin noir. Stephen black magic. Sort of earthy, seductive and also the bottom of a tin can. Its not good. Stephen who seduce the hobo in your life. Or seduce no one in your life because it was not good. Stephen so you wore it. I would wear t like acting juice, i would sort of sniff it right before they would call action. Stephen i would buy a perfume called acting juice. Sarah paulsen, acting juice. Spray it on. Spray it on, see what happens. Yeah. Stephen do you know how a lot of stars, a lot of people smell, have you smelled other famous people. I smelled cher. I smelled the back of chers head. Stephen let me ask you this, is cher finding out about this right now . She might be. Stephen okay. And why, why did you sniff cher. Because i really love cher. Stephen who doesnt. I know, but i think a lot of people love her for her music, which i do. But i think she is one of the great actresses. So i was in her presence and i really wanted to go up to her because but i was too nervous. So i went up to the back of her and sort of pushed my noation like between her hair like part of it. And just had a little i just hung out there for the count of 11,000, 2, 1,000 57bd i think she was about to turn around but i jumped and went back. It was just, involved something like. This. Stephen snap out of it. I dont think i can. Stephen snap out of it. Snap out of it, thats not good, i wouldnt give us an emmy or anything for that. Stephen okay, i will put this back in. But dont take it it from me. Have i to have it. Stephen i have one other thing to talk to you about. You do not smoke, right. No. Stephen you smoked a lot as this character. Yeah. Stephen and we have your brand of cigarettes here that you were smoking which is the best grand of cigarettes. Its cigarette brand cigarettes. The finest brand of here you are smoking right here. But like in every scene your character sunday so much pressure, you are lighting up and just smoking that cigarette with unbelievable every scene you had sparking up again and really, i hope the cigarette was nominated. And i was hoping that right now you and i who neither of whom smoke nor do we approve of smoking, right. No, no. Stephen very officially do not approve of smoking, were going to smoke right now, okay. And i would like us to do some famous lines that do not normally involve cigarettes but were going to add cigarettes and show how cigarettes make the moment more dramatic. And exciting, yeah. Stephen you want to start first . This is, what is this called. Puff puff act with sawr appall sen. Sarah paulsen. Stephen sarah, why dont you start us off. Im singing in the rain. Just, just singing in the rain. What a glorious feeling. Im happy again. Stephen look, look, heres the thing. Yeah, stephen. Stephen fear leads to daryng, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, okay. Okay sns sunny day, sleeping the clouds away. On my way to where the air is sweet, you can it tell me, you can tell me how to get to sesame street. Stephen emmy please sarah paulsen, everybody. cheers and applause well be right back with corey stoll. ,, to get a cma certification, you have to brave 8 hours of testing in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. Stephen welcome back, everybody. cheers and applause . Stephen im awfully excited about my next guest, is he a golden globe nominated actor known for the strain and house of cards. Now in a if you new film, gold. Please welcome corey stoll. applause . Stephen nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, never met you before. But are you one of my favorite actors. Not just for house of cards or antman but yeah, you are also hilarious as earnest hemmingway in midnight in paris. You can do it all. You are a native new yorker, right. I am, yeah. Stephen did you grow up in the city . In manhattan or. Yeah, upper west side. Stephen i dont know many people who grew up in manhattan. What was it like as a kid, what year, 70s. Yeah, 7 0see, 80z. Stephen it was a rough time. It was not the dignified version that we have right now. Stephen uhhuh. Now are you not running. There was no m m store. Stephen so were your parents, were you a free range kid, would you parents let you roam around the city . Yeah, i was i was a really big kid. Like i was the kind of kid. Stephen what do you mean . People thought i was a couple years older. Like you know, people would sort of look at my mother, sort of with sympathy that, you know, they thought that i was seven when i was five. And i was i was developpally a five year old but you know. I looked like a ten year old. Stephen okay, all right. And they look at your mother because when were you born you were two years old . So were you not worried at all. New york was a little trashy at the time. If they were worried, they didnt betray that worry. Stephen did you have to carry like mugger money in your pocketed so you would have something to give to the criminals who were coming to black jack you. I usually did and i gave it up freely. I knew not to fight, in fact, i had never been in a fight. But i was my parents actually, i didnt learn this until years ago but i started walking to school with a friend of mine. We were about ten years old. And my parents said youre walking to school with him. And i said well, okay. We were not really friends but okay. And i found out later that his parents had offered to hire me to walk him to school. Stephen you were hired. Your parents were pitching you out as a body guard. Luckily, they didnt take the money. Stephen okay. Im not quite clear sure what i would have done in the situation. There was a gang called the decepticons. Stephen yeah, this gang was it was the scariest thing. Stephen and they fought the transfoarms. There were no oughtobots to protect us. Stephen did you ever have to deal with them . No, i didnt. I was ten years old. What was i going to do. Stephen you would have said im only ten but i look like im 12. Pack up, i look like im very close to puberty. Yeah. Stephen you have just received a great honor. Buzzfeed, that failing pile of garbage has ranked the sexiest bald actors, okay. I got to till, you really do you pull it off nicely. You sometimes have hair though, like as earn east hemingway you had hair, do you like the roles where you have to wear the hair piece, it is a change of pace, this is what might have been . I never would have had hair that good. I did, i mean, when i was ten i had a lovely head of hair. I wasnt always like this. Stephen it looked like the hair of a 12 year old. What was the question . Stephen i dont know. I dont know. Give me your lunch money, that was the question. laughter give it up easily. Well, heres the thing. Not everybody can be sexy. I actually had my Graphics Department make this to show, this is this is a sexy bald man, okay. Sexy bald men. Here is. Seeing how long they were going to clap. In is not a sexy bald man. Doesnt work for everyone. It just doesnt work for everyone. I very lucky, you have nicely shaped head, symmetrical ears, congratulations. You didnt originally want to be an actor. I understand you wanted to be the really sexy part in acting, you wanted to be the stage manager. Yes. Stephen why did you want to be the guy with the clip board . Well, the met poll metropolitan opera does this program with Elementary Schools. They come to public Elementary Schools around new york and help develop musicals. And we did that. And i think they were worried that nobody wanted to be the stage manager. And so they really sold it. Like this is. Stephen how did they. This is the position you want. You dont want to be an actor. You have to stay thin. Here is a donut. Stephen the kid, the kid losing his hair, you want to be a stage manager. But i was convinced to be an actor. And i have. Stephen thank gods you were. Thank god. Now your new fim, which im very excited about seeing is with another sexy man, matthew mcconaughey. It is the story called golding with which i understand is based on a true story. Yes. Stephen what happened that what is the movie b my friend . It is about what may or may not be the largest gold find in history. And how this very unlikely prospector. Stephen who is mcconaughey. Who is mcconaughey comes to own it and sell it and you know. Stephen you play a banker who learns that there is this giant gold find and started selling the shares. You have the right to you invest in the company and take it public, wow. Yeah. Stephen how did you study to be a bank sner how much coke did you do . What did you. I had done that research for house of cards. Like a congressman. So i had it it in the back pocket. Stephen lovely to meet you, corey. Gold is in theaters friday, january 27th. Corey stoll, everybody. Well be back with a performance by nick granted with watch the duck. ,,,,,,, the fastest waya to ruin pancakes. Thats why dennys uses fresh, never frozen blackberries that are fresh. And never frozen. Did we mention they were fresh . Stephen no making his Network Television debut way special medley of love and get up, please welcome nick grant featuring watch the duck. Ladies and gentlemen i need everybody to get out of your seats right now. Watch the duck. Yeah shake it like beyonce girl you know you thinkin its a pound cake love it when you move, move it all around bae up and down, up and down like a sound wave uh, preach, church on the move two step until your feet hurt in them shoes dance away the pain, they aint hurtin your groove he a baller but he aint james worthy of you i aint judgin baby, you know ima love you daddy say you good for me and my momma love you yeah they hatin on you, thats so common of em make you hide for me, fresh up out the oven but uh you turn me to a newer me i know you wish you had two of me lowkey baby you a beast whooptywhoop, super freak i come to get down everybody get up dont fight the vibe til it hits you unity get you enough why you sitting . Get up why you sitting . Get up yeah gon fight the power with it unity get you enough cheers and applause . Stephen the album came out on fri, nick grant and watch the duck, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause ,,,,,, we live in a pick and choose world. ,,,,,, choose. Choose. Choose. But at bedtime why settle for this . Enter sleep number and the lowest prices of the season. Sleepiq technology tells you how you slept and what adjustments you can make. She likes the bed soft. Hes more hardcore. So your sleep goes from good to great to wow only at a sleep number store, right now save 600 on our best selling i8 mattress, plus 36 month special financing. Learn more at sleepnumber. Com know better sleep with sleep number. Thank you, thats it for the late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be billy eichner, mel b and gilbert gottfried. Stay tuned for james corden. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from my neighbors swimming pool, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden