And now theyre entering the last lap and Jimmie Johnson appears to be using his hands again to hold the groupuit oh, my and theyre neck and neck its a photo finish lets go to the tape no, i was wrong. Going to the tape was a waste of everyones time. Jimmie johnson clearly won. For cbs racing, larry boberry. Back to you, opening credits announcer tits late show with stephe announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert toornghts steve welcomes James Marsden, Jimmie Johnson and john waters. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen ehey, welcome, everybody cheers and applause welcome to the late show lovely group of folks. Welcome to the late show, everybody. I am your host Stephen Colbert, and i couldnt be happier to be with all of you right now. What a privilege it is to come out here and talk about all of the feelings. Jon yeah. Stephen some of them good, some of them bad, but human feelings we can share through the miracle of television. Heres something i have a feeling about the trump train keeps on rolling down them crazy tracks. laughter yesterday, trump summoned all the bigwigs of tv news, folks like cnn president jeff zucker and nbc anchor lester holt, to trump tower. Naturally, they all assumed they were being named secretary of state. Hes going to have, like, 20 secretaries of state. A lot of countries, makes sense. Once they got there, our nations most prominent media figures were dressed down and told, were in a room of liars, and he told cnns jeff zucker, i hate your Network Everyone at cnn is a liar. Okay, i might be with him on that one. I mean, why is Anthony Bourdain on the Cable News Network . Eating noodles is not news and reportedly, trump told the president of nbc news that her network wont run a nice picture of him, instead choosing this picture of me, as he made a face with a double chin. Yeah, nbc, stop using unflattering pictures of donald trump. Hes so photogenic, he runs the the man theres no bad pictures of him cheers and applause applause come on, jimmie, put that back up there. He runs the gamut from i just ate a bug all the way to may i lick the bride . You may not. applause of course, when not berating the media, the president elect has been busy filling his cabinet. So far, we know his pick for attorney general alabama senator and albino smurf, jeff sessions. If senator sessions becomes attorney general, he would be in charge of enforcing our nations civil rights laws. And if you want to know where he stands on civil rights, theres a hint in his full name Jefferson Beauregard sessions iii. in a southern accent i say to you, sir i do declare the only way that could sound more confederate is if he were named general stonewall secession mccottongin. laughter of the birmingham mccottongins. I challenge you to a dual laughter in fact, during the reagan administration, he was denied a judicial appointment over some allegations of racism. Among other things, a coworker claims sessions said he was okay with the klan until i learned they smoked pot. laughter come on. You shouldve known they smoked pot when they started calling themselves wizards. laughter piano riff he might be the only politician in history to go down thinking the klan is too chill. laughter and trumps frontrunner to lead the department of Homeland Security appears to be kansas secretary of state and middle School Football coach whos not allowed on the field anymore, kris kobach. When kobach met with trump, something tells me he came prepared with a Strategic Plan for the first 365 days. And by something i mean this picture, where he is clearly holding his Strategic Plan for the first 365 days. Well, thats Homeland Security. The only way those plans could be safer is if he stored them on his private email server. audience reacts applause during the campaign, donald trump promised to do a lot of things as president , and maybe strangest and strongest was his promise, his pledge, his rallying cry to jail Hillary Clinton. If i win, i am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it, and were going to have a special prosecutor. You know, it is. Its just awfully good that someone with the temperament of donald trump is not in charge of the law in our country. Because youd be in jail. Secretary clinton audience reacts stephen woohoo hoo oh, i was a happier time when just the idea of donald trump was terrifying instead of the reality. But today, on msnbcs coffee joe morning, hillary got some good news. We begin with breaking news a source with direct knowledge of Donald Trumps thinking tells morning joe that, in his administration, the president elect will not pursue any investigations into Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server and the clinton foundation. I think when the president elect, whos also the head of your party now, joe, tells you before hes even inaugurated he doesnt wish to pursue these charges, it sends a very strong message. Stephen that strong message ignore all my previous strong messages. applause and i dont know about you, but that is something ill be giving thanks for this thursday. Weve got a great show for you tonight. James marsden is here. And when we come back, ill give you some advice about cooking your turkey. cheers and applause where do you think youre going . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . Girl, where do you think youre going . You never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. Because aunts will do anything for a laugh. [sfx squeaking on glass] when families gather, things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. We catch flo, the progressive girl, at the supermarket buying cheese. Scandal alert flo likes dairy . woman busted [ laughter ] right afterwards we caught her riding shotgun with a mystery man. Oh, yeah [ indistinct shouting ] is this your chauffeur . What . no, i was just showing him how easy it is to save with snapshot from progressive. You just plug it in and it gives you a rate based on your driving. Does she have insurance for being boring . [ light laughter ] laugh bigger. [ laughter ] at red lobsters holiday seafood celebration nothing says treat yourself like any of these indulgent new dishes. So try the new grand seafood feast with tender shrimp, a decadent crab cake, and a lobster tail topped with white wine butter. Or the new wildcaught lobster shrimp trio crispy and garlic grilled red shrimp, and a lobster tail with creamy lobster macandcheese . You wanted a feast, you got it. Feasts like these make the holidays the holidays, so come try one before it ends. Of reach for far too long s have Health Insurance. Thats been out how . They enrolled through covered california. Its the Health Insurance marketplace where youll find a range of plans from leading Health Insurance companies that offer you the best combination of quality, rates, and benefits. And, through covered california, you may get financial help to pay for coverage. To have Health Insurance starting january 1st, you need to enroll by december 15th. Visit covereca. Com today. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show its just two days before thanksgiving, and i know a lot of you are stressed about making the meal. Thats why its so important to get Accurate Information on turkey preparation. You could try youtube. Lots of howto videos there about how to give your turkey a smoky eye. But the Gold Standard is the Butterball Turkey talkline. Its a toll free number you can call to speak to experts who really know what theyre talking about. Or, this year, to me because, last weekend, i flew to the heartland of america to help butterball out. Announcer the late show presents Stephen Colberts thanksgiving turkey titches. Stephen i headed to the butterball call center in naperville, illinois where i met carol miller a 33 year butterball veteran. Hi. Stephen carol, what makes a good butterball hot liner . What are you looking for. A good battleground. You have to be a good listener because theyre telling you whats happening in your house. Stephen i didnt catch that . Theyre telling you whats happening in your house. You have to be a good detective. Stephen they might have murdered someone . No, you have to find clues. Stephen if they did murder someone . No, you need more clues to answer their question. Stephen whats the craziest question. Sometimes they call and want to rent a turkey suit. Stephen why. I dont ask nu role playing, maybe . You be the pilgrim, ill be the turkey, go get the baster . Do you know the secret handshake . I dont. Stephen come at me like this and our thumbs hook from behind and you go gobbling got it. Stephen whats the phone manner like . Hi, this is steve. Can i take yes, yes. Stephen how about, we canal to the butterball hotline. No, first one. Thank you. When youre done talk and youve made them happy and goodbye you may want to say happy thanksgiving. Stephen should i give them happy at the begin org the end of the phone call . All the way through. Keep it happy, informative. When youre done, see the black button . Thats going to get released and you will get another call. Stephen the release is right there. Right. Stephen after the happy ending, i hit the black button for the call release. Thats right. Stephen thank you. laughter great, thank you, carol. Thank you very much. Thanks. Good luck. Stephen all right. Butterball hotline, lets butter your balls. I like it well done, how would you suggest i cook it . Stephen a long time. Cook it a long time. Hi, this is carol, we canal to the turkey talk line. Hi. Carol, cooking my Butterball Turkey breast with wings, and i put it in at 325. Stephen oh, boy laughter but after two hours, i put aluminum foil on it . Stephen over all of it or just the thighs . There were no thighs. Stephen there were no thighs. No. Stephen what happened to the bird. Why were there no thighs . The way it was sold is the breast and wings. Stephen you got ripped off, birds usually come with thighs. I apologize. Can i get a number . Well send you out a fresh turkey with thighs. Thats not right. How do you do that . Stephen give me an address, ill send you another turkey. Most of them are grown with them. Really . Its in the oven and an hour less than the required cook time. Stephen that happens a lot. And the Meat Thermometer is saying its at 188. Stephen get out of there, its going to blow. Is 188, no way you want a turkey tha hot. Thats what im saying because i followed the time on the instructions. Stephen whats your name . Why are you asking me my name . Stephen im trying to calm you down. Seems like youre in a panic. Because when i answered the phone youre described as the turkey expert. Stephen well, thats mostly marketing. I apologize. Butterball turkey talk line, this is steve, how can i help you . Oh, i hope you can. This is remlly a question about stuffing. Stephen okay. Do you call it stuffing or dressing . I call it stuffing. Stephen okay. Wrong answer. Byebye. applause hello. Stephen hello. Lalinia speaking french i speak english. Stephen delta threefiveniner, this is chicago ohare tower. Need you to go to 2700 feet, level off on approach. Please stay in a holding pattern. We will advice. Hello. Stephen hello, is this delta three five niner . No, im calling the Butterball Turkey hot line. Stephen well, youve reached ohare tower. Can you please put the pilot on. What . Stephen can you please put the pilot on the plane on . Youre on final approach to runway no, im not no stephen maam, it is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. Please put the pilot on right now. You are delta three five niner on approach to ohare. I have planes stacked up on ohare like cord wood right now. All right . I dont know what youre talking about. Im calling the Butterball Turkey hotline. Stephen can i have your name, please . No. Absolutely not. Stephen i cant have your name. All right. Im going to have to hand this over to Homeland Security if you dont give me your name. Well, you can do that. Stephen delta three five niner, you are cleared to land. Im going to call the police. All right . Stephen well, im going to call the army. If you want to get into it. Im going to call the police right now. Stephen youre the one whos calling ohare tower to ask about cooking a turkey and youre calling the police . Butterball turkey talk line, gobble gobble. Hi, ive got a question. I bought a turkey yesterday at a target superstore. It was, like, in the refrigerator kind of open cooler in the produce department. Stephen oh, like those things that look like coffins . Yeah, yeah, but theyre closed. Stephen yeah. Theyre open. Exactly. Exactly. An open casket. Yeah, okay. So, anyway, so it wasnt frozen. So my question is, and it says sell up to like november 28th. Now, is it okay to just i brought it hope and just put it in my refrigerator. Can i keep it in the refrigerator a week or can i freeze it first or was it still frozen first. Stephen it might be still frozen and you dont know it. The inside could be still frozen. Because its heavy, like 20 pounds. Stephen when it thaws, it will be just as heavy. Doesnt get lighter. Dont put it outside. Thats the one thing. A lot of people put their turk eyes outside to thaw. I want to ask you about the turkeys. Stephen dont be nervous. Its going to be fine, youre talking to a turkey expert now. Its squishy if i squeeze it but it feels heavy on the inside. Its not like i can move the leg. Stephen its still in the packaging, right . Do you have a wooden spoon . Yeah. Stephen when you hit it with the spoon, does it sound like a rock or does it sound like youre spank aging a lover. Like youre spanking. Stephen put the phone up, too. Im hitting it with my hand. laughter one more time. I didnt hear that. spank yeah, thats thawed. It will be fine. Says sell by 11 28 which is after thanksgiving. Stephen after thanksgiving, sell by 11 28. Does it say what year . 2016. Stephen just making sure. Yes. Stephen so, yeah, you can definitely sell it. Sell it . Stephen yeah, you can definitely sell it, if it says you can sell it by 11 28, you can legally sell it. No, if it was in the refrigerator part of the produce department and theyre sitting out there, so obviously theyre just sitting out there as well as sitting in my fridge, right . Stephen exactly the same thing which is why they sold it and you can sell it now, too. Okay . Youre confusing me now. Stephen you will be fine as long as you dont take any of my advice and have a fantastic time. Okay. You have a good thanksgiving. Stephen you, too. Goodbye. impossibl impossible gobble g stephen happy thanksgiving, everybody back with James Marsden laughs. here it is. Hey dad wishes do come true. The lincoln wish list sales event is on. Get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. Sign and drive off in a new 2017 lincoln mkc with zero down and a complimentary first months payment. Its just a cough. Our cough, sfx woman coughing youd see how often you cough all day. And so would everyone else. Robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. Robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because its never just a cough. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause thank you, sir. Folks, my first guest tonight is an actor that gq recently named the worlds handsomest man. He appeared in xmen, the butler and now hbos westworld. Do you remember now . Yeah, of course i remember why. You look upon the face of true evil, you wont forget. You claimed you could they are voice of god. Stephen please welcome James Marsden. cheers and applause thank you. Very kind of everyone for that applause. Stephen theyre very nice people. cheers and applause do they do that for everyone . Stephen only if you say nice things about them. Okay. I love all of you very much. Stephen im a huge fan of the show but im a couple of episodes behind so no spoilers, please. Okay. Stephen but i imagine that people must come up to you all the time, like the westworld fans, are a little obsessive, trying to figure out what its about and that sort of thing. What do they yell at you when they see you . Actually, i was on the plane the other day and i got up out of my seat to get something out of the overhead bin and a voice went like this are you real . I didnt even see the person. They seemed really put out that i was there on the plane. Are you real . Stephen are you real . It puts the lotion on its skin. It chases delores and finds why and gets the hose again. My show runner will love that. No, i said, excuse me. He said, i just want to know, you know, i dont want you getting shot up on my flight. So i said, are you real . I said, those bloody marys are real, arent they . laughter stephen youre already a movie star from big movies, but has this changed the number of people who recognized you on the street . Every week they see a new James Marsden movie, essentially. Well, thats kind of you. Its usually split between the people who recognize me and the people who think im someone else. I get mistaken quite often for someone else. I was actually on the set of westworld and one of the key grips or someone on the crew came up and say, can i speak to you for a minute . I was, like, oh, boy. Ehe said, i just want to say, your films, i watched them with my son. When i grew up, i was a boy and i read the comics and watched the tv show with my father and it was a tradition that we had, and i now have a son and i do the same thing with your films, and i