Manhattan . All right, id like to apologize. Its late. My emotion emotions are frayed s hard on all of us. Lets do this thing. Let me show you how to do it i have a pen y have pineapple pineapple pen ape pen just mime it, just mime it, i just mime it. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes samantha bee. Abby elliott. Abd Asa Butterfield. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody , yeah thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, chris whats on, jon . Two, two, two strips of bacon. Wow, nice. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Happy friday, everybody. Ready for the weekend . cheers and applause me, too. I didnt get a chance to talk about this last night but big news just out. It looks like donald trump may have broken the law. You shn be that shocked. Newsweek has discovered that back in 1998, trumps company violated the embargo against cuba, illegally spending 68,000 on a business trip for representatives of trump hotels and casino resorts. No word yet on whether they were in cuba to scout real estate or find a fresh supply of beauty contestants to fatshame. laughter you run out after a while. You run ow after a while. To skirt the embargo this is what they found out trumps company didnt spend the money directly. Instead, they illegally funneled it through a Consulting Firm who advised them how to make it appear legal by linking it after the fact to a charitable effort. Thats how they got caught. Because no one would ever believe trump made a charitable effort. laughter still, this story shouldnt be a big problem for trump, unless there was some sort of swing state with a huge cuban population who hates anyone who would do business with castro. Bu that shouldnt be a problem, unless theres video of him saying he would never invest in cuba from the same year he actually did. Oh, there is . And we have it . And im pretending to talk to somebody off camera for dramatic effect right now . Then just play it then. As you know and the people in this room know better than anyone putting money and investing money in cuba right now doesnt go to the people of cuba. It goes into the pockets of fidel castro. applause hes a murderer. Hes a killer, hes a bad guy in every respect. Stephen hes a man im proud to call my business partner. laughter i love you, fidel. Mwah this is a damning, corroborated scandal for trump with only one possible result he goes up in the polls. But we shall see. Speaking of donald trump, are you guys familiar with a meme called pepe the frog . For those who dont, heres a picture. Heres pepe the frog. And pepe was just designated a hate symbol by the antidefination league because people have been abusing the image of a cartoon character to harass and spread hatred on social media, which is shocking, because i didnt know people needed any help spreading hatred on social media. But pepe didnt start as a symbol of hate. He was originally a character in an indie comic about a group of funloving stoners called boys club. Its so hard for women to break into the world of cartoon stoners. Heres what happened. Then the internet discovered pepe and turned him into a meme, using him to convey emotions like sad, angry, smug and those are the only three emotions allowed on the internet these caiz. laughter soon, pepe became so big that celebrities like nicki minaj and katy perry were posting pictures of him. Thats with he ran into the number one rule on the internet when people online love a thing, people online hate that thing because some lets say people on the internet decided pepe had gone too mainstream, so they decided to ruin him for everyone. As one selfdescribed White Nationalist put it, as part of a campaign to reclaim pepe, we basically mixed him in with nazi propaganda you know, like how when the hot tub gets too crowded, you reclaim it by taking a dump in it. laughter mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. More for me mao heres the thing this antidefamation ban has got to be embarrassing to donald trump because both he and donald jr. Have posted images of pepe dressed as trump. And using pepe just reinforces the continuing accusations that trump has courted the white supremacist vote, can which isnt fair. He did not court it. He just said everything they wanted to hear. Speaking of scary, halloween is just around the corner. It is my favorite holiday. Its the one time of year i can eat an entire bag of funsize snickers, and its not depressing. Its festive and everywhere you look, people are hawking Spooky Halloween swag. But one piece of merchandise has gotten complaints for being a little too spooky. Its the scary peeper creeper, the suctioncupequipped halloween decoration that mounts outside your window, simulating a man peering inside. And the website says its a scary, fun halloween decoration with realistic details. laughter i dont know. If its such a realistic portrayal of a peeping tom, how come you can see both of his hands . Jon oh, man oh, man cheers and applause jon oh, man laughter no stephen now, youve got to act fast if you want to get your hands on the creeper, because home depot has already pulled the item from their shelves in canada. So sad. Now the peeper creepers are outside the store sadly looking in. laughter speaking of creepy, an australian man, after sitting down on a portable toilet, has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis, for a second time. Jon thats nastiy stephen wow. Jon i dont know what he doing wrong, what he doing wrong . Wha stephen what are the odd . That must be like being struck by lightning twice on the penis. He was taken to the same hospital where they treated his first bite, and the man said they got worried the first time. This time, they were making jokes. Which proves the old saying spider bites you on the penis once, shame on you. Spider bites you on the penis twice, thats hilarious. laughter remind me to never go to australia, by the way. Jon you better watch that. Stephen but the victim doesnt agree saying im the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment unlucky, sir, unlucky . You have been bitten twice in the penis by a spider. Thats not a tragic tale. That is a superhero origin story. Spider wang spider wang does whatever a spider can spins a web any size catches thieves with an open fly look out here comes here comes the spider waaaang cheers and applause say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. applause stephen as you know, folks, i am a devout the catholic. But ever since i started this show, i often miss church because im so busy not going. laughter gets in the way. And what i miss most about church, of course, is going to confession. So, i was wondering if i could get some things off my chest with you, the audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen you were pretty hesitant there. laughter this is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter applause stephen standard disclaimer these might not all be sins, but i do still feel guilty about them. Okay, ill be right back. organ music playing forgive me, audience. Sometimes, sometimes i pretend i ran a marathon just to get a free cup of gatorade. Laugh sometimes i worry that when i get to heaven, i wont have anything to talk about with george washington. So, george, did god let you grow your real bath back, or what . laughter i have never cleaned my oven. laughter i just move every few years. laughter i eat trail mix to feel like an endurance athlete, while im really just binging on m ms and peanuts. laughter laughter gotta keep training. laughter i tell people i dont believe in casual sex, but the truth is, sometimes i dont wear a tie. laughter applause cheers laughter laughter coughs that second hand full was a mistake. laughter i like to impress people by saying i have a selfdriving car. And they are impressed until they see brick on the accelerator. laughter during parentteacher conferences, i stop paying attentions. laughter i just said the word attentions when i meant to say attention. Im going to start this joke over again. laughter during parentteacher conferences, i stop paying attention. And the parents start to suspect im not really a teacher. laughter the first time i heard the word brangelina, i thought it was a highfiber cereal. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with five hail marys and samantha bee. Snowe applause [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] on the road again [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] just cant wait to get on the road again [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] on the road again like a band of gypsies we go down the highway [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s for just 199 a month. Of bad breath germs. This is 100 useful for a 100 fresh mouth. Just ask listerine® users. The very people we studied in the study of bold. 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Its 4 times stronger, and you can use up to 4 times less. It cleans better. You should try it, skidz. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause wow. That is crowd is lit. That crowd is on fire that is amazing. cheers and applause thats a friday crowd right there. Amazing. Welcome back. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Jon yeah stephen these people these are people who are ready for the weekend right here. cheers well, weve got a big friday night reet for everybody because my first guest tonight is the very funny host of full frontal with samantha bee. Please welcome samantha bee cheers and applause cheers and applause oh i love a friday crowd,ed from crowd. Stephen isnt that nice. So nice to see you again. So nice to see you. So happy to be here. Stephen having you on the show is all luke a vacation for me pause you do an incredible show. Congratulations, you just crush it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. As i came here, i was kitting in the green room, and i remember you gave me the most beautiful gift i have kept from before show launched, you sent a beautiful gift basket whatever it was but you also sent a beautiful gift card. Do you know what it said on it . Go get those bastards. Stephen thats right. Thats what wed say on the daily show when you went out to do a field piece, go get those bastards . I look at it every day. Theres my shining star. Stephen back on the daily show when we said get those baft arts it was people who believed in big foot. Now we have people to go after this time. Are you enjoying i mean the the show is great, but are you actually enjoying this campaign . Because its a doubleedged sword because you get to make great jones about somebody like donald trump. On the other hand, he could be president. Enjoy is a strong word. Stephen yes. I mean, it is its certain a buffet of wonderful things to draw upon to make a comedy show. Stephen uhhuh. I want it to be over so badly cheers and applause i want to live my life i want america to be happy again. Stephen well, were you nervous, like, were you never going into debate on monday . A lot of people were nervous he would come across as i was extremely nervous. We had terrible anxiety in our offices all day. We were all very pale. Were all very drawn. We were ceend of shivering. It was kind of terrible. Stephen how do you think it went . There are polls and there are people spinning either way. How do you think it went . I actually thought it went very well. I actually was very happy with the outcome. I enscwoid, you know, in after i felt that trump peeled away the layers of the onion i felt that he revealed himself in small ways throughout the debate in a way that i really did i fell i felt quite i felt quite good about ta. That was nice. And then, of course, he went on fox and friends the next morning can reveed even more layers. So it was great. Stephen he said the fix was in. Uhhuh, yeah, yeah, so well see how it all works out. Haha were going to be fine. Stephen next week is the the Vice President ial debate. Oh, yeah. Stephen not as noas high stakes. Not as high still important. Stephen still important because either one of those people could be president. And in fact didnt i feel like donald trump has said that mike pence will be his de facto president. I mean, while hes busy making america great, mikes going to be taking care of all the policy and all that other bleep . Stephen the word is Donald Trump Jr said whoever is president will be best president ever. Maybe we should keep our eyes on him. Stephen theyre not biggest fire brands met word, mike pence and tim kaine. Maybe theyll have a banjo duel. Stephen banjo duel . I would watch that. That would be amazing. Stephen that would be fantastic. There is a slightly inbred quality there. I feel like thats a debate i cowed moderate, in some ways. Stephen copeople ever say to you, you should mod rate a debate. Yes, but they dont mean it. Stephen yes, they do. They dont know what theyre saying. Stephen yes, they do. I would disavow them of that notion quickly, unless its a banjo debate. Stephen do you have any questions up to ask them . I just want to watch what they do and i want someone else to take care of business and do their jobs how about a fight in the pit . That would be amazing. I would appreciate that. Lets grease them up. laughter bacon grease. Stephen you can do that. You can be grease girl. Grease them up, and somebody else can moderate. Ill be with you, in just a moment, anderson cooper. Oh stephen talk about your sexy self. Oh, look at that look at that cheers and applause see . Why am i always my hands are doing this. Stephen you were holding up you were holding up imaginary breasts. Im holding up myself. Do you see my hair . Its so luscious. Stephen you do. I have extra hair in there. Stephen thats extra. Thats mott your hair . I like my hair, but they put extra hair in there so i look like a faded 1977s Country Music star like fallen on hard times and just, like, slid down the wall. Stephen sure. Shoes are off. Stephen a little tammy wynette. A lil bit. I donated hair do you do this for the show or do you just do it for photo shoots . Mow, i had never condition it before. I had extra hair just for what. I donated that popeople at work. Stephen someone handed me this photo. I wasnt entirely sure what to make of it. Is that what this is . Oh, yeah. Stephen is that a curtain made out of your former air extensions. Thats a curtain yeah. Stephen right there. We have our office set up like a cubicle matrix. So she pushed panels out so she could have help relations with other people and put my hair up as a beautiful curtain. Stephen i have to say having your hair up there does not add to the desire to have help relations with other people. She looks like a trophy its not pubic hair, stephen. Its just hairhair. Stephen can you get pubic Hair Extensions . I think you can get anything you want. Stephen really . Yes, you can. Stephen you can. We live in that ceend of a world. Stephen can you explain why ryan lochte is in your office . For inspirational purposes and to why is there a naked ryan lochte in your office . He sits opposite a larm portrait i have of a halfnaked putin riding a bear. I like to mix it up for peep who come into my office is this your portrait or anyone can get this . No, no, its just mine. Its about eight feet tall, and hes holding a spear it was, like, custom made for me. I dont know. Stephen where does one commission this . I wanted to set a tone. laughter do you know what i mean . Stephen for the staff. Like, when you decorate your first office at a tv show, you want to let people know where youre coming from. Stephen we have to take a commercial break, can you stick around . Yes. Stephen well be right back with sam bee. One smart choice leads to the next. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Ill call you later ah, i. Or. No i wont,. Ill text you, because what am i your dad . Dont stay out too late . Yea, just text me. Thank you, get home safe. This must be what Antonio Brown feels like when hes dancing in the end zone. Touchdown Antonio Brown [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he finally got katies number. Pepsi. Power, power to the lord power, power to the lord power lord pause. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Were here with our good friend, sam bee. Are you willing to mach a prediction on what will happen in the election . Oh, you mean ill be fetal, because ill be living in a cave until january. Stephen are you going to be broadcasting the night of the election . We are not. Stephen were from the old school, we would do live shows all of us, at the daily show you, me, colbert report. Were doing a show next wednesday instead of monday so we can respond to v. P. Debate. And were bracketing the election. So were doing a monday show anded with show. Stephen what depending on what happens well have a fun musical guest or the musicians from titanic. Well see. I dont know. I dont know whats going to happen. cheers and applause . Stephen thats nice, thats nice. Could go either way. Stephen are you going to invite are you going to invite me up into your door floating if the ocean or do i have to sink to the bottom of the ocean . You can come in my door any time. Stephen thank you very much. I have never had a woman say that to me before. Oh, quote of the day, you can come on my coor any time. Stephen how is your lovely, handsome, and talented husband, jason. Hes lovely and handsome and talented and i love him. Stephen theres a guy i know likes to get naked. He loves to disrobe. Stephen a lot of shot of him back on the daily show back in the day in underwear and thog. She is shooting season two of the tour and he is half naked in those as well in the worst underwear possible. Stephen is he that naked around the hou