Jimmy cheers and applause hits it donald, the gloves are cheers and applause donald, the gloves are off. Hey, speaking of gloves, i got you a pair for your birthday. Your childs medium, right . Stephen whooo donald, ive got a travel tip for you. When youre going through customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, try not to blurt out bankruptcy. Oh, that is a billionaire bitch slap. Hey, donald, donald. Your Companies Fail so often, you must have gone to Business School at Trump University oh, donald, he just dropped you like one of your first two wives. cheers and applause youre shiny, orange and empty inside. I would say you are a traffic cone but i would swerve to avoid a traffic cone. Oh stephen thats going to leave a mark, keushan. Cuban. Donald, you know that to be a billionaire, you have to have the billion part in your bank account. Not just the air. Stephen you just fell in the shark tank. Donald, i know you have no shot with hispanics because theres no way in hell youre getting the cuban vote. Stephen whooo donald, the only way youre worth 10 billion is if i paid you nine and a half billion to wash my balls its the late show with stephen colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes tony goldwyn, mark cuban, and lewis black. Featuring jon batiste an stay human. And now live from the sullivan theater in new york city, its time for the 2016 captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause . Stephen whooo thank you very much. Whooo, whooo, whooo cheers and applause . Stephen thank you, everybody. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to the late show thanks so much. cheers and applause . Stephen thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show, coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater here in new york city. Im your host, stephen colbert. cheers and applause folks, it is night three of the Republican National convention. Now i dont know if you you guys wamped last night the show, yeah. You really should have cheered more. Now last night i said the convention was going so smoothly, and i complained it was boring. Well, oopsa cabadra. Tonight the convention bus took an unexpected turn and plunged into excitement canyon. Let me take you through and see what happened. We started out today counting down till tomorrow when donald trump will finally speak for the fourth time. laughter and donald made a triumphant entrance into cleveland this afternoon, complete with his own theme song. laughter . Stephen you might recognize that actual song, that they were pumping out of the helicopter. It is the theme from the movie air force quun one i assume because like Harrison Ford donald trump is a famous person pretending to be the president. applause . Stephen get off of my airplane jon thats har ison. Stephen thats my Harrison Ford impression. Donald did not fly to cleveland on the helicopter, thats for losers. No, might as well take a bus. He through trump force one, his plane with his name on the side to cleveland to get on his helicopter to fly to a slightly different part of cleveland, slightly wasteful of fuel. It would be easier just to get out and stab a penguin in the heart. Meanwhile, meanwhile, ted cruz was getting ready for his big speech tonight by giving another speech, which got slightly upstaged. Our party now has a nominee. And i dont know all right. That was pretty well orchestrate ed jeff, did you email them to fly the plane right when i said that . Stephen yeah, yeah. You could almost see trump in the pilots window doing this. laughter yes, trumps plane flew right behind cruz in the middle of ted cruzs rally. It really makes you wonder why is ted cruz Still Holding rallies again . laughter okay. So it was a bit of a a bit of a screw you. A bit of a screw you but as they say in texas, revenge is a dish best served con queso because tonight in his prim time speech, ted cruz did not endorse donald trump. And the Trump Delegates were enfeugo. We must make the most of our moment. To fight for freedom, to protect our god given rights. Even if those with whom we dont agree. Stephen chaos. You could barely hear cruz talking. The cruz people were fighting the trump people. And i believe have we gotten it . Yes, weve gotten a reverse shot of what was happening on the convention floor. cheers and applause . Stephen from now on, from now on it will be known as the red convention. And again, keep in mind, how i cant impress upon you how crazy this is. He was the prime time speaker and he did not endorse the candidate. Thats like being the best man at a wedding and toasting the groom by saying, hey, buddy, youll find a good one eventually. Yeah, yeah. applause yeah. Maybe without such big kangels, okay, after that was the bestman, not me. I was in character. Now after the cruz missile hit its target we heard from eric trump seen here giving a speech in front of americas bright future. And i endorsed his fathers plans for this nation. Its time for a president who can make America Great again, ahead of budget and ahead of schedule too. Stephen yes. laughter ahead of schedule. Yes, ahead of schedule. Donald trump will end america sooner than we thought. cheers and applause . Stephen but of course tonight was really all about Vice President ial candidate mike pence. laughter what year is it . laughter okay. Pence in his speech wasted no time praising donald. Hes a man known for a large personality, a colorful style and lots of charisma. And so i guess he was just looking for some balance on the ticket. Stephen yes. Yes, hes absolutely right. Hes absolutely right. applause adding pence really balances the trump ticket. Crazy boring 2016. applause but as a family values conservative, pence had one warning. History teaches us that weakness arouses evil. Stephen yes. Weakness arouses evil. And america must be strong or well be surrounded by evil boners. You know, and pence applause weakness, weakness is the vying ra of evil. And then pence laid out his credentials. Im a christian, a conservative and a republican, in that order. Stephen yes, in that order. Fourth im a list maker, fifth im a guy who looks like he fore got to be an astronaut. And sixth, sixth, im a tackling dumbee in a suit. Bring it out here. cheers and applause thank you for being here, sir. We learned a lot about pences background. His family, his accomplishments and beliefs. No question was left unanswered except for one. Whos mike pence again . laughter well, ill tell you, ill tell you, folks, governor mike pence was born in columbus, indiana one morning when i believe lightning struck a jar of mayonnaise. laughter applause im being upstaged by an inanimate object over there, i cant are that. As a child pence was an overachiever who was once even awarded a trophy for best denim jump suit. And pence will be a great Vice President because he always had big ideas. For instance, in 2001 he wrote an op ed saying despite the hysteria from the political clation and the media, smoking doesnt kill. Why . Because two out of every three smokers does not die from a smokingrelated illness. Its true. No, its true. Smoking doesnt kill you if you dont count the people who died from smoking. Just 33 . But its not just smoking. It is not just smoking, folks. Pence had his eye on another issue of national importance. The movie mulan. In 1999 he penned another op ed claiming the film was too political, saying quote, some miss chiefous liberal at disney assumes that mulans story will cause a quiet chng in the next generations attitude about women in combat. Oh, hes right, no, its subtle brain washing. The same way disney is known for promoting human animal hybrids, plural marriage and bestiality. applause be our guest, be our guest. applause laughter in 2015 pence ignited a furor when he signed indianas religious freedom restoration act which allowed businesses to discriminate against lgbt patron patrons but he was just following the old saying, the customers always straight. Now a lot of people are out there saying, i dont care about mike pence. Including donald trump. But if trump and pence win, you will care about pence because there is huge Vice President ial news just out today. You see, when trump was vetting Ohio Governor john kasich as a possible running mate, his son, donald trump, jr. , asked governor kasich, did he have any interest in being the most powerful Vice President in history. Which is saying something since we have already had a Vice President who was half machine and got away with shooting people in the face. applause and apparently when kasichs advisor asked how this would be the case, donald, jr. Explained that his fathers Vice President would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. Then what, the advisor asked, would trump be in charge of. Making America Great again. Now i know a lot of people, a lot of you out there think trump isnt qualified to be president. Well, isnt it comforting to know that donald trump agrees with you. Weve got a huge show for you tonight. When we come back, i will take you to a Republican Party i went to in cleveland. Met some great people. Then tony goldwyn, mark cuban and lewis black. Stick around. 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Because sale prices as low as these dont happen every day book your low fare now at southwest. Com low fares. Nothing to hide. Thats transfarency. Sfx clap, clap, ding everybody. Now jon, jon, for the people at home who have not been enjoying it so far, you have a very special guest with the band, tell the people at home who we have here. Jon yes, indeed. We have the legendary wyclef jean. cheers and applause . Stephen thank you for being here. Jon yall got to come check him out. Hes playing at the ozzy fution fest this weekend. Thats right, going to be in new york city this saturday, come check me out, baby. cheers and applause . Stephen now now if most people, the closest you will get to one of these political conventions is to watch them on tv. But i had the chance to go down to cleveland this week and actually meet the delegates who nominated donald trump. I got to say, the good people who deserve a better candidate. And we had a blast. Take a look. This week i attended the rncs official Welcome Party it was a very exclusive affair, only 12,000 people were invited. You originally support donald trump. Im a gel delegate for donald rump. Was he your first choice. No. Did you support him from the beginning. No which choice was done ald trump for you . Okay, there were way too many candidates in the field. Stephen tell me. Okay. About there. Stephen okay. Seven. Anyone around here who was an original trump supporter . What if somehow Ronald Reagan just showed up on the floor of the convention right now . Would you still go with trump . Or would you go with reanimated reagan . No, because hes kind of similar in ways. Stephen so youd still go with trump . I would. Stephen if reagan came back and i love reagan. Stephen from the afterlife i understand. Came back from the afterlife and he said, i am here to save america, youd still say, thank you very much, but im going with donald . Today, we need a change in this country. Stephen even if it was reagan. You understand hes come back from heaven. No, no. God bless stephen hes come back from heaven. Him. I love r i love Ronald Reagan stephen and hes made the sacrifice of coming back here after being no, i got to go with stephen with the lord. Ive got to go with the donald. Stephen youre still going to go with donald trump . Got to go with him stephen how do you think he would feel . How do you think reagan would feel if he said i think hed understand stephen if he said, i came really . Hed say yeah. Stephen i came all the way back from heaven here. Do you stephen and and you still want to go with donald trump . I do. But i do. Stephen wow. Then it was time to play the game show sweeping the nation. Stephen alright, here we go. Whats your name, sir . Paul. Stephen paul . Where are you from . Manitowoc, wisconsin. Stephen aw, its a beautiful town. Ive been there many times. All right, here we go. Ready . Paul, are you a delegate . Yes, i am. Stephen are you supporting mr. Trump . I am. Stephen all right. You didnt seem that confident about it. You had to think for a second. He wasnt my first choice. Stephen he wasnt your first choice. He was not . Scott walker was. Stephen scott walker was your first choice. He dropped out i think back in the carter administration. laughter all right, here we go, ready . Here we go. This is question number one. Did or did not the nominee of your party say the following my fingers are long and beautiful; it has been well documented are various other parts of my body. False. Stephen it is trump. Im sorry. You youve been eliminated from trump or false. Thank you so much for playing, your candidate did talk about his penis. Are you nervous . No. No, im always like this stephen youre on national television, millions of people are watching you oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen to find out whether you know what your candidate did or did not say. Are i im ready stephen you nervous at all . Man. No, no. Stephen youre not nervous . Okay. You good man. All right, lets do it, all right. Youre going to play, youre going to play. Trump or false we gave 140 million to guatemala last year. If guatemala is so poor, why are there fat ones . Trump. laughter stephen false. laughter im sorry, you do not win trump or false, but you can have your hat back. Thank you for playing. Thanks. Stephen did donald trump say or not say, i went to an ivy league school. Im very highly educated. I know words. I have the best words . Trump or false . False. Stephen it is trump. laughter oh stephen sorry. I waitin for the end stephen thank you so much stephen for playing. Have you been a trump delegate from the very beginning . No. Stephen i want somebody to win, i got prizes here. We got prizes. Trump or false, i have great kids. Theyre super people. Smart, attractive, smell good. I won the kid lottery . Trump or false . False. Stephen false, he did not say it. Yeah stephen what do we have . We have baby shoes. Stephen trump or false it doesnt really matter what the media write as long as youve got a young and beautiful piece of ass . I dont think he said that. Stephen trump. He said it . Oh no. Stephen come on. Stephen he did. He said it. Im not making this stuff up, legally i cant. Im on television. Hey man trump or false okay. I can dunk a basketball. Very few people know that, but it is absolutely true . Ill say true. Stephen false. He cannot dunk a basketball, im so sorry but you know what i know the feeling because it seems like he can do anything. And i really believe that he can dunk a basketball. He may not be black, he may but he can dunk stephen hes d stephen hes deeply tan though. The g. O. P. Is going to make you . Trump, trump. Mike pence is going to make you . Trump, trump. Trump or false, okay. I named my dog megyn kelly cause shes stupid and bad at her job. Thats has to be false. Stephen it is false. Congratulations. Thank you stephen congratulations. All right, what do we got here . A box oh, ho, ho. Stephen i got you a box of trojans. laughter there you go. Have a have a great week. Thank you for playing. Trump or false cheers and applause . Stephen well be right back with a president of the unitied states. Stick around. Yeah, yeah. Back with a president of the unitied states. Stick around. Yeah, yeah. Unitied states. Plants need planting eaves arent going to rake themselves vo nationwide is different. Hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim . vo we put members first. Actually, they called me. Nationwide is the exclusive Insurance Partner of plenti. And who doesntb then seize the day already. Crabfest is back at red lobster with so many kinds of crab and the most crab dishes of the year. So dive into whatever floats your crabloving boat. Like crab lovers dream. Crack open tender snow and king crab legs, and twirl creamy crab alfredo. Or try the new alaska bairdi crab dinner. 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Maybe he could actually just have your job because if we put him on tv as president , he might not know the difference. You know, i think maybe we could pull that off, except im not willing to give up my job. My job is too much have. Donald cannot have it. Stephen you do have a good job. The cast would not be happy about that. Stephen also, you take off your shirt a lot on scandal. And im not sure while were at it, there you go. Is there a rule in shonda rhymes created this show, is there a rule in shondaland that the men take off their clothes and the the women dont. The rule exactly as quoted to me is in shondalan