Dont open it. Ill light it for you and leave it on your doorstep. Just make a wish before you stomp it out. Announcer tonight, stephen welcomes Daniel Radcliffe, george lopez, and a musical performance by hinds. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen hey thank you very much thank you, everybody thank you very much. Hey hey hey, up there whats up . Thanks, everybody. Welcome. cheers and applause welcome to the late show, everybody. Thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. I am your host Stephen Colbert. And, its a very exciting day, because today, in our nations capital, washington, d. C. , they held the final president ial primary. We made it cheers and applause we made it through the beginning of the election there are five more months. This was probably the last chance to see Bernie Sanders name on a president ial ballot, and hes going out standing on principle and refusing to pander. The major point that i will be making to the citizens of the district of columbia is that i am strongly in favor of d. C. Statehood. Stephen yes. Of course, d. C. Statehood doesnt seem likely, but doesnt seem likely is Sanders Campaign slogan. laughter possible. So, just in case washington, d. C. Does gain statehood, id like to offer right now some suggestions for their new state symbols. Obviously, their license plates will need a state nickname. I suggest the field trip state. And of course, d. C. Will need a state flag. How about d. C. Giving the middle finger to puerto rico . And, of course, washingtons state seal will be an embarrassed redskins fan defending the teams name to a native american. laughter anyone here a millennial . cheers and applause jon yeah millennial. Stephen im surprised you have the strength to raise your arm, because according to a new study, millennials are losing their grip strength. This is true. Apparently, in 1985, men in their 20s had an average right handed grip of 121 pounds. Today, men that age had grips of only 101 pounds. If only there were a way for young men to improve their grip strength, some easily portable tool within reach, they could just grab and hold and just work, work all day. The study claims the loss in grip strength is because 30 years ago, young people were working with their hands instead of using Technology Like smartphones. Its true. In my day, we crushed our candy by hand. laughter this is terrible, because without good grip, millennials wont have a firm handshake. We could look at a future without a proud tradition of douchebags who crush your hand when you meet them for the first time. Oh, so youre brendas ex boyfriend. Pleasure to meet you, my man. Youre shorter than you looked on facebook. Do you even lift . I want you to know i strained my arm just now pretending to shake someones hand. Now, i know it seems like the whole news cycle is about donald trump, but theres some non trump news out there for instance, Chris Christies relationship with donald trump. According to a new report, donald trump uses Chris Christie as a manservant to fetch his mcdonalds. cheers and applause badabababa demeaning i just want to address Chris Christie directly for one second. Listen, chris. As a friend, you might think fetching mickey ds for trump is a good idea. Maybe you prove youre loyal, then when trump is elected, hell make you ambassador to mcdonaldland, but you deserve better. Remember, chris, there are people out there who love you. Not in new jersey, but somewhere, surely. cheers and applause but you know who loves everyone, ladies and gentlemen . Jon batiste and stay human. Say hi. cheers and applause band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen well, the world is still in shock after the terror attack on a gay nightclub in orlando over the weekend. But in the aftermath of the horror, people all over have come together with moving expressions of love and solidarity for the people of orlando and the l. G. B. T. Community, providing some hope that in the end, fear and hatred wont win. But donald trump might. laughter as news of the attack was still coming in on sunday, donald trump took to twitter to express his solidarity with himself. Tweeting i called it. laughter it reminds me of f. D. R. s inspiring words after pearl harbor. December 7, 1941, a date which will live in told you so laughter stephen then, yesterday, trump gave a speech where he let the world know whos to blame for this lone madmans act of violence. Hillary clinton for months, and despite so many attacks, repeatedly refused to even say the words radical islam. They have put Political Correctness above common sense. I refuse to be politically correct. Stephen yes, donald trump refuses to be politically correct. And just to be safe, he refuses to be correct. cheers and applause and not only political, on the other hand, hes fine with. And not only does trump want to keep muslims far away. He also wants to work closely with them. We have to form a partnership with our muslim communities. They have to cooperate with Law Enforcement and turn in the people who they know are bad, and they know it. They know whats going on. They know that he was bad. Stephen yes, all muslims know what other muslims are thinking. Theyre magical that way. Trump learned that from the documentary aladdin. laughter cheers and applause this whole speech this whole speech, with its nativism, its fearmongering, and especially its selfaggrandizing in the face of tragedy, feels like a new low. It makes me long for the days when trump was just bragging about the size of his penis. Donald, cant we just put the focus of your campaign back on your genitals . Which, again, im sure dont look a day over 70. laughter im guessing he moisturizes. The man has got a very strong grip. cheers and applause maybe, maybe all of us could get together and declare how big trumps penis is, perhaps with a giant monument to his junk. After all, we did it for our first president. Why not for our last . And heres the thing trumps speech, unbelievably was the least controversial part of his reaction to orlando. Just listen to what he said about president obama. Were led by a man that either is not tough, not smart, or hes got Something Else in mind. And the Something Else in mind you know, people cant believe it. People cannot they cannot believe that president obama is acting the way he acts and cant even mention the words radical islamic terrorism. Theres something going on. Its inconceivable. Stephen yes, inconceivable, especially to brian kilmeade. laughter is he is he saying what i think hes saying . And what do i think hes saying . Someone please get the camera off of me. laughter now, in his defense, trump didnt come right out and call the president a secret muslim, but a lot of people took it that way. So yesterday, trump clarified his vague statement by making a vaguer one. Theres something going on. What did you mean by that . Well, you know, ill let people figure that out for themselves, howie. Because to be honest with you, there certainly doesnt seem to be a lot of anger or passion. There was certainly not a lot of anger. So, you know, ill let that well let people figure it out. Stephen yeah, let the people figure it out. Hes just going to give you clues, like the 100,000 pyramid. Your clues are obama and somethings going on. Ooh, what my racist aunt would say at a picnic . But ding, ding, ding ding, ding, ding cheers and applause but you heard him. Hes going to let people figure it out. And since im a people, i thought i would take a stab at it. Okay, bring out the figureit outatron 5,000, guys. Here we go. All right, first of all, before i figure it out, i have to think like trump. So first, im not going to take my meds. Okay. Whoooo ahh i see patterns where none exist. Okay, lets see here. Okay, okay, all the options here. Obama, obama, obama, trump is saying obama is not smart because he wont say radical islam. Trump cheers and applause wait ill figure this out trump then says this is inconceivable so something must be going on, probably that obama is a muslim, and that is a bad thing. cheers and applause no, no, no, no. No, no, no, that cant be it. No, no, no, no. Theres no way. That cant be it. Theres got to be a simpler answer. Theres got to be a simpler answer. Think, think, think. Lets try it again. Trump says obama wont say radical islam because either obama is not smart or something is going on with the muslims, which could lead to inconceivable bad things. And the center of it all has got to be an answer. And i dont know what it is. But i hope trump explains it soon because until he does, that kind of looks like hes an bleep . Well be right back with Daniel Radcliffe cheers and applause band playing well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. Never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. 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The portobello mushroom buttery jack is back. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You might know my first guest tonight from his obscure role as harry potter. He returns to the screen as a talking corpse in the new film Swiss Army Man. Now that ive seen her, i cant get her out of my head, and i dont know if thats a thing that happens or if im just weird, but something tells me shes the one im supposed to bump into and spend the rest of my life with. And maybe if we can just find a way for me to remember her, then, bam, it will all come rushing back to me and the hairs on the back of my neck will stand up, and i can save you. Wow, the talking was good. Yeah, see, its working already. Stephen please welcome Daniel Radcliffe. cheers and applause thank you. cheers and applause thank you very much. Stephen listen to those people thats lovely. Thank you. Thank you very much. And and thank you very much. Thats incredibly kind. I know this is going to get cut from the final show, but thank you for waiting. Im sorry im late and youve been kept here. You have lives to live and im sorry. Stephen no need to apologize. We had a lovely time, didnt we . cheers and applause stephen for the people at home, for the people at home who dont know, we are very grateful you are here because you had to come all the way across town in bad traffic i assume its bad traffic. Yes. Stephen okay, good, from the Public Theater where youre doing a play and youre in rehearsal and you took a break to be here tonight. I came straight from there. And yeah, im rehearsing a play called privacy or prifazy. Stephen probably privacy over here. Unless you use the uryanal over here. Its a play about what it means to be a private person since snowden and iphone and google and all that fun, terrifying stuff. Were making a play about that. Stephen where are you in the rehearsal process right now . Are you offbook . Still doing table reads . Were in the intermediate, terrifying, panicky stage for me personally. There are some parts i know really well, and because were making a play about something that is so very current, there are lots of changes going on all time, and were trying to make it the most uptodate version it can be, so were still getting sort of stephen theyre changing lines on a daily basis . Yeah, but every time they come back theyre even better, which is a nice position to be in. Stephen still, could you drive you crazy, though. At this point i think we have three or like, two and a half, three weeks left of rehearsal. So im still okay for now, a couple more weeks ill be freaking out. Stephen as somebody who is famous, one of the most famous people on the planet, i think, its safe to say because Everybody Loves the harry potter. cheers and applause has this play taught you anything about, like, modern privacy . Do you think it exist . Well, i mean, im not on much social media so that limits my exposure to those things. I try i think being in the position that im in, it makes you really value the parts of your life that you can keep private. And so you sort of hold on to them as much as you can in a way that, like, most people probably wouldnt think about, like just making a Facebook Page or making a twitter page or whatever. But even for anybody who is doing that, there are huge implications to your own privacy that even if youre not doing it. My understanding is people can come and turn on the camera on your laptop or something, and while youre working on your grip strength, lets say. laughter but i actually heard i heard the head of the n. S. A. Say that people can listen to you through your microwave oven, actually. Im sure thats at this point, ive heard so much about the various ways we can be surveilled stephen it almost makes you not want to eat hot pockets. No, that will never change. Stephen you still do it . Ill always make that trade, hot pockets for privacy is fine. Stephen now, you were also in equus on broadway. Are you naked in this production . One of the great things about the show its going to be changing on a nightly basis based on things the audience is doing, so who knows . Stephen lets just say its possible. And that will put some asses in the seats. Exactly. Stephen put a towel down first, but put some asses in the seats. Congratulations on Swiss Army Man are you all right . Yes. Stephen congratulations on Swiss Army Man. Thank you. Stephen this is a fantastic movie where, again, youre taking an incredible youre taking a real challenge, a real risk by playing a corpse who farts a lot and has erections that act as a compass. Yup. Stephen in the movie. Honestly, your erection is a compass. Yes, it is pointing the way home. Stephen okay. laughter cheers and applause yes, yes. Thats often the feeling. Thats often the feeling. Okay, and you are actually teaching paul danos character how to be a human being as a corpse. You can explain any of that to me . Not really. Basically, yes. Paul danos character is a depressed suicidal man who finds a dead body who magically starts coming to life and through his becoming friends with the dead body it becomes a discussion between a suicidal man and a dead body about whether life is worth living. But its super fun laughter stephen bring the whole family thats the thing. This film, a lot of people might have heard of it as being something along the lines of the farting erection corpse movie. If youve come into contact with this movie before. Im not shying away from that side of it. Those things exist in it and are amazing and you will laugh and theyre insane and they youll have to take my word on this one they become beautiful, all those bizarre moments. Stephen beautiful . Yeah. Stephen farting and erections. Yeah, you dont think its possible, but i promise you, thats what makes this movie worth seeing, like, really. Because it shouldnt be possible. None of it should be. Stephen it sort of celebrates the part of being a human being that we dont want to talk about . Thats what this movie really is, i think about, celebrating our own individual weirdness and accepting that. And also celebrating, there are some things, like farting, which are hilarious. And its kind of a great leveler. Stephen we understand at age four we know that farting is funny. And we kind of know that it happens to everyone, and everyone does it, but were also sort of taught that its not good and that, like, it can be a shameful thing. And the whole point of the film is the idea that shame or shame from yourself is what keeps you from, like, love. Stephen as a catholic, i believe that no one farted until eve gave adam the apple. laughter thats what started it. Yeah. Stephen now, not only do you play a corpse in it, but you have a cocorpse. This was a dummy, your character is named manny. And this was a dummy made for the movie originally, right, but paul dano didnt use it, right . Paul carries my character around on his back for lots of the film so i think they wanted that was slightly easier going on him. But it ended up only being, i think, 30 pounds lighter than i am. And so he was like ill take the real thing. Stephen so he lugs you when you see him lug you around in the movie, thats really you. Thats really me. Stephen easy on you, i bet. Im very proud of the very minimal amount of dummy work that is in the film. laughter stephen one nice thing is i know you can actually go on the web site and you can sort of sign up and be friends with manny and hell okay, so theres a game where you can go online and throw my lifeless corpse around if you would like to do that. Please, you have my permission. Do it. Its quite fun. If you play the game for a while it tells you to text a number. So i text it and it asks you questions that manny asks in the film. So i was in rehearsal the other day, i dont know talking about something important and heavy like snowden and my phone starts vibrating which is embarrassing anyway, because i shouldnt have it being loud in rehearsal, and its texting me, what is sex . It is texting me bizarre questions. Stephen what is sex . I think i just said, its great, you would enjoy it. I think that was the extent of the advice i gave. I was in rehearsal. Stephen all this information that the character manny and the web site is gathering on us as we tex