Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160617

Tonight, stephen welcomes demi lovato and nick jonas amy ryan featuring jon batiste and stay human and now, its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you, jon hey cheers and applause you can feel it tonight hey cheers and applause welcome to the late show, everybody thank you so much for being here thank you so much for being here at the late show. Were very excited to have you here this evening you feeling good, jon . You feeling good tonight . Im feeling real good, strong, you know. Stephen excellent. Thats what we need. We need strength today. Jon yes. Stephen big news out to have the president ial election today, but i dont care because i just found out about hidleswift we review all her instagraham pics apparently, it all started when tom and taylor danced at the met gala, which i attended. And i got to take some credit because im the first one to notice that theyre both attractive. And now, pictures have hit the tabloids of the couple cavorting by the ocean, canoodling and sharing a kiss. audience reacts so now we have hiddleswift. Although, personally, i wouldve gone with taytom swiddleston. I wish you two the best. But tom, dont you dare break her heart. And taylor, if he does ive got the breakup album ready. Its called hiddleschool dropout, and the first single goes out of luck my hearts on the griddle cuz im stuck stuck in the hiddle with you it goes on from there. Its a huge hit, and i get half the money. So i cant stop this. But ive got some words for you, tom hiddleston. Im hurt. I thought we had something when you were here on my show. Jimmy, show us together. Look at that its crackling with chemistry i thought we were hiddlesteph and now i turn on my internet to see you cavorting with little miss blank space . And i cannot shake it off, shake it off okay, we can make this work. Tom, taylor, well be a power trio colbiddleswift. laughter it will be so great. Look at the fun we could be having, going for a romantic stroll on the beach. But a word of warning im not a strong swimmer. Please. laughter hey, on a different subject, heres a sentence i didnt think id ever say again marco rubio is in the news. audience reacts now, while he was running for president , rubio made it clear he couldnt stand being a senator. Im missing votes because i am leaving the senate, im not running for reelection. A lot of the work were doing in the senate isnt going to go anywhere. Were not going to fix america with senators and congressmen. Stephen in fact, as one friend of rubios told the Washington Post in october he hates it. Stephen yes, the senate is a useless husk of bureaucratic sewage aaaand he might be running for reelection. cheers and applause wow. That was a quick turnaround. Hey screw you, suckers im outta here kiss my cuban ass im gonna be president whoo cheers and applause hey fellas. Tough job market out there whelp, back to the grindstone. They still have free coffee in here . laughter elsewhere in the senate, this afternoon john mccain said that president obama is directly responsible for the orlando attack. audience reacts hold on. Hold on. Now some are saying that mccain only said this because hes facing a tough reelection fight, while others are saying its because hes a dick. I dont know. Im not sure which of those it is. You decide. Speaking of which donald trump has doubled down on his call to ban all muslims from entering the u. S. , and hes being criticized by fellow republicans. Trump is fed up with the g. O. P. s nagging. The republicans honestly folks, our leaders have to get tougher. This is too tough to do it alone, but you know what, i think im going to be forced to. I think im going to be forced to. Our leaders have to get a lot tougher and be quiet. Just please be quiet. Dont talk. Please be quiet. Stephen yeah. Quiet. Zip. Nyeh. Shhhhhhhh. Take a lock i already won the nomination. Just go to sleep. Itll be over soon. Go toward the light. applause its just a joke. Everybodys fine. Everybodys fine. Of course, trumps not the only one whos had a bad week. Led zeppelin is in court this week defending themselves against plagiarism charges. Tough news for albumoriented rock fans because zeptember could become compensatory damageuary. They are accused of stealing the song stairway to heaven from a song called taurus by the band spirit. The lawsuit has been dragging on for nearly two years almost enough time to listen to stairway to heaven. Ive listened to both songs, and im not sure zep ripped them off, but it makes me wonder. Ooh, it really makes me wonder. Judge for yourself. Heres stairway to heaven. music playing and heres taurus by spirit. music playing oh, they are screwed. laughter take the money. Guys, take the money take your money and hide it in panama and now theres a second lawsuit being filed by the estate of 1930s gramophone star tuxedo jim broadway. music its close its close you guys would do a great job with that song. Say hello to jon batiste and stay human everyone. cheers and applause stair, stair, stair, stair, stairway to heaven as you know, thats my impression of diamond jim broadway. As you know, im a practicing catholic. But nowadays, because im a busy tv man, i rarely have time for my favorite catholic tradition confession. So, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. You wont tell anybody right . Of course not stephen ce we try that one more time . Because you really sounded hesitant about that. Its almost as if you forgot what your line was. laughter im not saying we should have rerehearsed that more. Im just saying im not sure if i want to confess to you right now. You wont tell anybody, right . No, of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. organ plays laughter cheers and applause now for the record im not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. organ plays forgive me audience. I tell my kids to never use swear words, even though they learned all of them from me. laughter bleep laughter audience, i wouldnt hurt a fly. But when it comes to mosquitoes i am one sick son of a bitch. laughter applause forgive me, audience i make fun of a lot of movies i wouldve happily starred in if theyd asked me. laughter im gonna get you superman. Because i am the batman. Or the wonder woman, if you want me to be. laughter i thought the paleo diet meant eating anything out of a pail. laughter why arent i losing weight . I took a much smaller bite in hn rehearsal. laughter i know that as a comedian im supposed to be happy that this election has been so crazy. But im actually kind of scared. applause i blame my farts on the dog laughter also my tax evasion. laughter when i hear about a mountain climbing accident, part of me always thinks, well. Yeah. laughter sometimes, when im blowdrying my hair, i pretend im in an 80s music video. 80s music playing cheers and applause my eyeballs are so dry. laughter one time i saw a lion attack a warthog in a Nature Documentary and i whispered hakunamatata, bleep . cheers and applause right before a new iphone is about to come out, i abuse my current iphone to justify getting a new one. laughter i think this confessional frame is coming loose. laughter this is not my iphone. applause laughter when i go to real confession at my church, i disguise my voice to sound like gregory peck. Laugh forgive me father. I coveted my neighbors ass. Now for the love of god, do your duty. applause sometimes ill use the kids urinal, so i feel like a giant. laughter forgive me, audience. We forgive you stephen thanks. If you feel like you need to be forgiven, tweet me your confession with the hashtag late show confessions and ill say them on air. And ill confess right up front, we wont pay you anything. 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Because sale prices as low as these dont happen every day book your low fare now at southwest. Com low fares. Nothing to hide. Thats transfarency. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody hey this month, my next guests are kicking off their 42city tour called future now. When will they be here . Right now. Please welcome demi lovato and nick jonas. cheers and applause stephen nice to see ya sorry about that. You went to high five me there, i didnt realize. I left you hanging and i left you hanging. Its fine. You offended us right away, but its okay. Stephen please accept a bouquet of apologies and thanks for being here. Thanks for having us. This is our first talk show together. Stephen really . Yeah, we never sat down on a talk show and tawght talked together. Stephen but youve known each other a long time. I have a photo of you here at a tender age. Oh, my cheers and applause i think i was about 15. Stephen there it is. About 15 there. Youre both 23 now. Mmhmm. Stephen i have much respect for both of you because how long have you been doing this, since you were i booked my first gig when i was 8, and it was on barney. Stephen barney . Barney and friends, big purple dinosaur. Stephen what was barney like . Barney was actually very attractive inside the suit. Ive always gone for older guys. Even when i was younger, i thought the guy inside the suit was hot. Stephen because barney himself is 92 million years old or Something Like that. That was an older guy. So the guy was jacked in there . Yeah, he had to be because the suit is, like, 100 pounds. Stephen wow that change misview of that show. I know, right . Stephen and nick, how owled were you . My first job was here in new york city on broadway. Stephen what show . A christmas carol, annie get your gun, beauty and the beast and les miz. I started when i was seven. Stephen and no child star meltdown unless you want to have one now. I had about three. Stephen nick, catch up shes way ahead of you at this point. When are you going . Hopefully not anytime soon. Stephen when did you first meet. Demi was reading to be on the tv show my brother and i had called jonas. She didnt get it but booked the lead in camp rock which was a better project anyway which wasnt saying a whole lot, but it was better than our tv show, thats for sure, and thats how we became friends. We were in School Shooting the film at the same time and also writing music about my brother that she was oh, my god, it was so funny because we were stephen kind of. Kind of. I was a little burned, a tender age of 15 and you write a song about it. Stephen who burned you, barney . No, god bless him, but his broth snore oh, his brother . Right. I was writing my first album and writing a song called nay get caught and he was in the room, we were all writing together. And he said, maybe we have a happy ending, and i said, no, i think he gets caught and everybody sees hes a heartbreaker. And nick said, well, you know, why dont we just write the cho chorus . He was going back and forth. Hes been stuck in the middle a long time. Stephen well, now youre on a 42city tour. Its called future now. You kind of look like youre from the hunger games. We do. Stephen what does future now mean . Is it future is now. So i came up with it, and it was, like, we have such a strong past together, growing up together that were looking forward to the future and on the tour its now. So i was, like, the future is now, i think would be a great name. And hes like drop the is. Is are completely overrated in my book. Stephen save a lot of money in ink. I try. Stephen 42 cities. Do you have any idea where you are now . No. Its so cold in here, too. Stephen youre welcome. Thank you. Stephen do you forget when youre on tour in the middle of 42 cities . I have forgotten what country i was in one time, legit, and i wasnt messed up. laughter can we curse on this show . Stephen sure, go ahead. I wasnt even bleep up. Stephen thats fine. We bleep it out. applause what language do yall speak here . laughter where did it turn out to be . Um uruguay. Stephen uruguay, okay. I was in south america and it was, like, a different country every day, i felt like. I woke up one day and i was, like, i dont know what country im in. Stephen wow. I notice something about some of the press photography you have done and some of the videos youve done. Heres one. laughter here you are in the water. Here you are in the shower. Here you are in a bath. Lets see lots of water. Stephen here you are in another bath. And here you are in another shower. cheers and applause do you not have time to bathe off camera . Is that how busy you are . I think everyone loves singing in the shower, right . Stephen you sound good. Yeah, acoustics, national anthem. Stephen you nailed it, 30 seconds. You nailed it . Thank you very much. Youre very kind. Can i join the tour . Were going to have to think about that one. Stephen ill take that as a yes you guys, are you involved in politics at all . Have you talked to any of the candidates . I saw you there is a picture of you here with donald trump. audience reacts is there a story behind this photo here . There is a pretty funny story. I was hosting miss u. S. A. Maybe three or four years ago. Stephen back when he was a different person. And he was the owner of the Miss Universe organization. Stephen right. O im up there and the prompter gives you all the script for the show and was working the whole time until it comes time to introduce mr. Trump and the prompter went out. I was all by myself with nothing, no script. So i said one of the most important people in the room, donald trump. And when he came up, he said, the most important person. laughter stephen thats actually his campaign slogan. laughter thanks for being here. Good to see both of you. Good luck with the bathing. Tothe 2016 honda civic tour future now kicks off june 29 in atlanta, and you can see demi and nicks boston pops fireworks spectacular on july 4, right here on cbs. Stick around, later in the show well have a performance by nick jonas. Well be right back. cheers and applause b i drive to the hoop. I drive a racecar. I have a driver. His name is carl. But thats not what we all have in common. We talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. Xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. Xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. You know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine. I couldnt have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. I found another way. Yeah, treatment with xarelto®. Hey, safety first. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto® without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. While taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Xarelto® may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto® can cause serious and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto®, watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto® if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto®, tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. Xarelto® is the number one prescribed blood thinner in its class. Well that calls for a round of kevin nealons. Make mine an arnold palmer. Same here. With xarelto® there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary restrictions. Treatment with xarelto® was the right move for us. Ask your doctor about xarelto®. Whatcha gonna do when you get outta here . Im gonna have some fun what do you consider fun . Fun, natural fun. Yeah, we rocking right now. Its a party over here. Hey im in heaven owww. Dennys red, white and blue slam is here and so is Independence Day resurgence. Dennys. Welcome to americas diner. cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody thank you so much thank you, jon cheers and applause thanks, everybody quick survey for the audience anybody here. Write love letters . cheering love letters are important to me. When i first started dating my wife, she lived in new york and i lived in chicago and we were both young actors and we could not afford to talk on the phone and there was no internet at the time, so we wrote each other love letters. I wrote her almost every day. Its what almost made me a writer. I didnt like the act of writing, i think i was dyslexic, i dont know what it was. But i know i wouldnt be able to stay in touch with her unless i wrote her every day and that turned me into a writer. Now we have boxes and boxes of love letters that my children will never get to read. laughter until i am old enough for it to be cute and not creepy. Anyway, so i really like love letters. I found out that a love letter written by john f. Kennedy went up for auction today. It shows j. F. K. At his most romantic, only the one small quibble is he was married to someone else at the time. laughter who are we to judge . The letter is to painter and socialite mary pinchot meyer, who was a Kennedy Family friend with benefits. laughter the contents of the letter have been released and heres what it said why dont you leave suburbia for once, come and see me, either here or at the cape next week or in boston. You say that it is good for me not to get what i want. After all of these years, you should give me a more loving answer than that. Why dont you just say yes . Which is the president ial equivalent of you up . laughter applause we do these things not because they are easy but because i am hard. laughter i apologize. I apologize to everyone. The letters expected to go for at least 30,000, and when i heard that, i did what any historian would do go up to my attic and see if i had any president ial love letters lying around. Turns out, i did, and im going to share them with you. Right now. Here we go. All right. applause the first ones from our first president , george washington, to his future wife martha. He wrote, my darling martha, i cannot tell a lie. Youve got an butt like a virginia ham. Im going use my wooden teeth to tear me off a piece of that. laughter kind of sweet. He was the father of our country. Okay. Heres one from Abraham Lincoln to his future wife, mary todd. My dearest mary. I yearn for your gentle kiss, your sweet caress. I think that proves pretty definitively to future historians that i liked women. laughter applause there are rumors. There are stories. Which is fine. Okay. Oh, heres a very rare letter from Thomas Jefferson to his lover and slave, sally hemmings. My dearest sally, i am yours. I mean, technically you are mine. But whos keeping track. laughter i didnt make that up. I didnt make that up. Jon oh stephen its a true story. Its history. This ones a little racy, from William Howard taft to his lover mary beth whiteshaw. My sweet and naughty girl sitting here naked in my bath, i cant help but wish you were here with me, preferably with some kind of crowbar, because im stuck again. Come quickly, my love. laughter he was a very large man. I was so excited to find this one from Theodore Roosevelt to his paramour. My darling. The prudes and puritans will say its wrong of me to love a moose, but your engorged dewlap inflames my lets just stop there. It gets pretty that is a good looking moose, though, ive got to say. This ones from William Henry harrison, who died of pneumonia a mere 32 days into his term, to his mistress amanda. My turtledove. Words are woefully inadequate to express. And im dead laughter finally, from harry truman to his beloved wife bess, in that wonderfully blunt midwestern style dear bess. I know i said the buck stops here. But when i get home, were going to buck all night long. cheers and applause true story. Well be right back with amy ryan. cheers and applause right now at kohls. 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Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. This is humira at work. Hey troy hello so, thanks for testing our new car service today. Oh, no problem. This is the nicest Ride Sharing Service ive ever been in. Im so comfortable. I could take a nap right now. So, our rates are a little bit different. Okay we charge by the amount of gas consumed. Ooh since we traveled 4. 43 miles, and this chevy malibu offers an epa estimated 47 miles per gallon city. Your total is. 20 cents. both noo way. I can afford that 23 cents. Do you have a quarter . Hahaha the all new 2016 chevy malibu hybrid. Its just so smart. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause my next guest was nominated for an oscar for gone, baby, gone; she married Michael Scott in the office; and now she stars in the action Comedy Central intelligence. I need you to tell me everything and anything about your contact with agent stone. Agent stone . Bob, your friend bob. Come on. Stay with me. Please. Okay, i think there is a misunderstanding. No. No, no. He is not my friend. Why did he list you as Emergency Contact in all his personnel forms. I barely know the guy. Why was he sleeping on your couch. We had drinks last night. You went out drinking with your nonfriend . Okay, all right. Youre not time out. Im pressing the time out button. Okay . You guys barged in my house. I pay my taxes, so youre not going to come in here and treat me like im the enemy. Okay, listen to me, this man is not i repeat to you he is not not my friend, zero allegiance. All right, mr. Joiner, prove it. Stephen please welcome, amy ryan cheers and applause its lovely to meet you. Thank you for being here. Im an enormous fan. Oh, right back at you stephen youre fantastic. Youve got such an incredible range. Nominated for oscar for gone, baby, gone. Youre so sweet in the office. You play such a sweet, loveable, really funny character in the office and then so harsh and hateful in birdman. Congratulations on being you, i guess. Theres no question there. Wye, thank you. Stephen we all got to know you from gone, baby, gone. That was your breakout role. Did that change everything for you . Oh, that was the absolute gamechanger. I have been working since i was 18 and doing theater, so that invited me to higherstakes tables with directors like Clint Eastwood and sidney and it was a big deal for me. Stephen what was the first big show you were cast in . Right out of high school i went to High School Performing arts or p. S. Fame. Stephen oh im gonna live forever im gonna learn how to fly butfy first was biloxi blues applause stephen the original cast is here tonight laughter i went to 53 different cities in america. Stephen did you get to meet neil simon . I did. He was at my audition then, and he was very sweet to me. Years later, i worked with him in a play of his called london suite in seattle and it was a big deal because i was coming to new york and moving to broadway and he wrote me a letter and fired me. Stephen thats very nice. Hes dead now. laughter and im bitter stephen thats your character from birdman coming out right there. laughter so gone, baby, gone, and you went from that right into the office. I was such a huge fan of the office, both the british and the american version, and after the office i mean, after gone, baby, gone, im, like, im only going to be offered drugaddicted mothers and down and out. So i was, like, ive got to be on a comedy and brush my hair. laughter my lovely agent jason called them up and let them know i was a fan, and then i married Michael Scott cheers and applause stephen thats nice. Now youre in an action Comedy Central intelligence and youre a badass in that. Was that attractive to you . Its so great. In cinema, i have been married to many a formidable man did i say that right . Stephen sure. Okay. But its nice to be the badass boss lady. Stephen yeah. Do you fight the rock . I torture the rock. I tickle torture the rock. Stephen wow. And i torture the rock. Stephen not a lot of action stars are actually huge men, but hes an actual huge man. Hes a tall drink of water. laughter you know, im not proud of this, but ill tell you this, i felt like a dirty old lady on set because his tshirt got wet, as was supposed to happen in the scene, and they had a quick change to do the second take. As they changed him on set, i pretended to be just looking around the room and laughter and maybe no one noticed. And then the second and third no, second take i did it again. The third take, i watched the room, and every man and woman was ogling. Jaws dropped open. Every woman gasped and every man went, oh. Congratulations on being you and your movie. Central intelligence opens tomorrow well be back with a performance by nick jonas cheers and applause regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. One hair color wants to to help you keep on being you. Nicen easy. Naturallooking color. That even in sunlight, doesnt look like hair color. It just looks like you. Nicen easy color as real as you are. Oh say, can you see freeze this is a bust. Hands behind your back, mr. Choreographer. In massachusetts, its illegal to dance to the national anthem. Strawberry flavor, oh say can you tea. Make time for snapple. Choose any two mcdonaldsing classics for five bucks. Like the 100 beef big mac, filetofish made with sustainably sourced fish, or 10piece chicken mcnuggets made with white meat enjoy the choice lemme get a mcpick2 find more delicious deals in our app. Ba da da da da whe gets a ready for you alert the second his room is ready. So you know what he gives . Ill give you everything ive got and then some. He gives a hundred and ten percent im confident this 10 can boost your market share. Feel me lois . Im feeling you. band playing this is brian. Every day, brian drives carefully to work. And every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. Hes been paying more for Car Insurance because of their bad driving for so long, he doesnt even notice them anymore. But one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. Now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. Get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you. ,,, stephen he just released his soaked solo album. Last year was complicated. Now performing his single cheers and applause oh damn, oh damn, oh damn im so perplexed with just one breath, im locked in oh damn, oh damn, oh damn im so perplexed on that, its almost shocking i know, i know you know youre scared your heart, your mind, your soul, your body they wont, they wont, they wont be careful but i guess that you dont know me cause if i want you, and i want you, babe aint going backwards, wont ask for space cause space is just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get too close, oh oh, so close, oh i want you close, ooh cause space is just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get close, oh oh, so close, oh i want you close, ooh oh, i want you close, and close aint close enough, no oh man, oh man i am not really known for ever being speechless but now, but now somehow my words roll off my tongue right onto your lips, oh im keeping cool while you keep smiling saying all the things im thinking oh man, oh man i am like you so i want proof of what youre feeling cause if i want you, and i want you, babe aint going backwards, wont ask for space cause space is just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get too close, oh oh, so close, oh i want you close, oh yeah baby cause space was just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get close, oh oh, so close, ooh i want you close, ooh oh, i want you close, and close aint close enough, no cause if i want you, and i want you, babe aint going backwards, wont ask for space cause space was just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get too close close, oh close baby oh, so close, oh i want you close, oh baby cause space was just a word made up by someone whos afraid to get close, oh oh, so close, oh i want you close, oh oh, i want you close, and close aint close enough, no cheers and applause stephen nick jonas everybody well be right back. ,,,,,, cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be aaron paul, michael ian black, and a musical performance by silversun pickups. Dont go away, james corden is up next with his guests, matt bomer and jena malone. Goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun i need some chicken tonight. If you dont eat chicken. You could eat something else. The late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from