And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey nice to see you. Hey, everybody welcome to the show hey, up there. Everybody down here. cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Very nicely done. Thanks, everybody. Nice to see you. cheers and applause welcome to the late show, everybody. Is this on . Is this on right now . I cant tell. Is this on . I just want to make sure. The sound guys love it when you do this. laughter im Stephen Colbert. Is everybody referred from the rainstorm that just happened outside right now . Is everybody okay . Everybody . Nobody needs a snorkel or anything . For the people at home, my audience has to line up outside before coming into the show, and today in new york it was just pouring down in sheet of rain. It looked like the end of the world out there. But we all know that doesnt happen till november. cheers and applause , of course, everybody is talking about raft nights Voting Results on americas got talent. There was an amazing performance by an 82year old man named john hetlinger, who blew everyone away let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the body hit the floor oh, my gosh cant take much more nothing wrong with me stephen woooo wooo wow what clips was longer than i thought it would be. Wow. I was banging my head out here for a little bit longer than i should have. That guy is metal not even counting his titanium hip. The song he was doing just then that he was just screeching out is drowning pools 2001 single requested bodies. I think hetlinger is good enough to have a drowning pool cover band. Although, at his age, i would probably call it walkin bathtub. I am i am honestly exhausted from head banging. That cant be a good sign. Jon dizzy . Stephen that was not the only history made in america last night. Because Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. cheers and applause it was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because i believe thats when the election began. Truly a watershed moment for everyone who believes in equality. And Hillary Clinton took the stage in brooklyn to show the world that, once and for all, womens voices will be heard. no audio stephen aaaand, they forgot to turn on her mic. Hey, they only had eight years to plan it. What are you going to do . I dont understand how somebody can get up there for the most important speech of her night and the mic isnt on. Is there a shot of the audio guy . There gu. laughter applause didnt realize how much bernie looked like gargomyle. But once they got the sound up, it was a great and historic speech that you all totally watched, so i dont have to show any of it. Then the Clinton Campaign celebrated her historic achievement in a manner befitting its gravity with this tweet, thanks to you, we made history tonight. Celebrate with a free magnet yes, a big, round magnet, perfect to decorate your car bumper, or maybe even erase your emails. But thats probably how it happened. cheers and applause thats probably thats probably how it happened. Its totally innocent. But just because Hillary Clinton won does not mean bernie lost, no matter how much it actually means that. Just listen to this impartial observer. I am pretty good in arithmetic, and i know the fight in front of us is a very, very steep fight. Stephen yes, bernies pretty good at arithmetic, especially division. laughter so, bernies its a thinker. Its a chin stroker. Its a schin stroker. So bernies not looking good, but bernie still stands. It reminds me of that movie. What was it called . It was about an older man whos dead but no one can tell because hes propped up by enthusiast young people. Its weekend at. Jon i saw that one stephen i forget. It doesnt matter what its called. I think it has a happy ending. And to fire up all of his young supporters for the fight ahead, bernie ended the night with this enthusiastic call to action. Stephen of course, like all nights, last night was also a big one for donald trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition. And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the flash calling an uber, aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb. I actually, honestly, dont think this is news. Trumps been using his own teleprompter all along. Its called the yellaprompter. And we have obtained footage of trump speeches with reverse shots of his yellaprompter so we can see what hes reading. Take a look. When i look at these things here, i say, you know what . Its so much easier. It would be so nice, just bah, pa, bah, pa, bah, bing, bing, bing. You might see someone with a tomato. So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a two mateo, knock the crap out of them, will you. Seriously. Okay . When mexico sends its people, theyre not sending their theyre bringing drugs. Theyre bringing crime. Theyre rapists. cheers and applause stephen say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause . Stephen hey i was going to do this in just a minute, but i have to check in with jon right now. Jon, i understand you have a special guest with the band tonight. Who do you have over there. Jon we have Paula Robeson on the flutes. Stephen say hi to paula robson, everybody. Paula, lovely to see you. Paula. cheers and applause paula robbed son, besides being one of the greatest living flutists is a dear, old friend of mine, and also played at my wedding. Paula, thank you so much for being here. Oh, yeah cheers and applause stephen there is big news from north of the border. Anyone here from canada . cheers all right. Anyone here thinking of moving to canada . applause 1 well, if you are thinking of moving up there, theres something you need to know. Canada is changing the lyrics to its national anthem. Apparently, canadians felt the original anthem didnt have enough apologies in it. This is true. A bill to make the change passed in canadas congress, or whatever they call it up there parliament or law igloo. Im not entirely sure. So canada is going to have a new version of the anthem, which is called o canada. Which is shocking to me. I always thought the Canadian National anthem was chickitychina the chinese chicken, you have a drumstic its been so heres the change theres a line that goes in all thy sons command but theyre going to change it to in all of us command to make it gender neutral. Next up, saskatchewan is going to have to do something about the city of regina. While theyre at it, might i suggest also changing the name of the song . It sounds like youre disappointed every time you find out what anthem youre about to sing oh. Canada. So i support the change but, canada, you are missing a great opportunity here to change more lyrics to show how great your beautiful country is. And i have prepared a small rewrite of your national anthem. Please rise. Please rise. And place your hand over your beaver. O canada the country we hold dear all the sexy ryans also come from here come and visit our sprawling wilderness you will probably see a moose bring a parka, though cause its really cold and that were sorry aboot try our maple syrup youll like it a lot o canada, im sure theres other stuff we got oh that reminds me our Prime Minister is hot cheers and applause stephen oh, canada well be right back with laura linney. You know we said wed take a look at our Retirement Plan today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat changing the oil. vo its surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. Pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side the strength test. Like leather, skin is stronger when its hydrated. Thats why dove men care bodywash has a unique hydrating formula to leave skin healthier and stronger. With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new watermelon from limearita. The bold margarita. You didnt listen to your parents. You ignored every piece of advice. You failed over, and over, and over. And look where it got you. Time to shine. Orbit. Never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. Tmobile does data, differently. Stream video and music free without using one bit of your lte data. Switch today and get three lines for just 40 bucks each and your 4th line is free. Hmmmmm. [ dreams by beck ] hmmmmm. The turbocharged dream machine. The Volkswagen Golf gti. Named one of car and drivers 10best, 10 years in a row. ,,, band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. Thank you, paula mwa folks, you are in luck. You know how there are some actors that if they are in a movie, you know that movie is good . Tonights first guest is one of those. Please welcome the beautiful and talented laura linney. applause thank you, thank you for your service. cheers and applause you made such a beautiful couple. Well, thank you. Stephen such a beautiful couple. I like our neighbors to the north. Stephen neighbors to the north. Youre not canadian. No. Stephen you could pass for canadian. Oh, im that i dont curse enough . Stephen no you seem so nice. You seem so nice. Well, thanks. Stephen and youre very white. Yes, i am. Stephen yeah, me, too. That is the pot calling the kettle white over here. But you grew up in new york, right . I grew up in new york. Im a city kid, but my entire family is from georgia. cheers . Stephen oh, wow. Now, i want to get to the movie in just a minute, genius, we had jude law on last night who is playing thomas wolfe. We had a lovely time. He has a southern accent. He has aplatchian accent. Stephen do you have any kind of southern accent you have to fight against because of your family. When i get tired i do. My mother certainly has a southern accent, and my father did. When i get tired, it sort of goes a little bit. And it does. My vowels elongate. Uhhhuuh. Stephen for me its. If ive had a little it to drink or i get angry. Oh, angry southern. How dare you do you say that. Stephen i say to you, sir i challenge you to a duel. No, sir glo the war of northern aggression. Thats serious. People dont believe me no, i had cousins who tied me to a tree because i was born above the masondixon line. Im not kidding. Stephen wow. Yeah, that was not fun. Stephen that was not recently, i hope. No, no, no. Stephen another but sometimes i have guests on who were born in new york city, they decry that new york has changed. It has changed. A lot. Stephen for the better . In some ways. Its safe. I mean, you can walk down the streets. People arent mugged stephen at the end of the day youre alive. Thats a plus. Were you allowed to free range as a kid . I was. But the culture of different then. You would walk to school. You walked back from school. But the neighborhoods were neighborhoods. They werent stores were privately owned. So when i would walk to school stephen so people dont walk to school anymore because of the chain stores . New york, is that what it is . Dwayne reed got rid of all of it. There was a button store i remember on 1st avenue, and there were the two old italian sisters who would make sure that i was okay. They would wait for me in the morning. I would always say hello. And when i walked home, they would always make sure they was, you know, there. Yeah. Stephen wow. Yeah. I know, sweet. Sweet. Those were the good old days. laughter . Stephen that was before new york had police. It was just laughter old Italian Women ruled the neighborhoods. There was a pizza parlor. I knew the guy in the pita parlor. The neighborhood was close. Stephen thats nice. Yeah, yeah. Stephen you have a son. Would you let him walk around new yorks by himself. Never, never. Stephen really . How old is he . Two and a half. Stephen theres a good reason. Youre a good mother. Thank you. Im trying. Stephen now, in the movie colbertlateshogenius, you plf max perkins whoft the editor of thomas wolf other ands. Fitzgerald, hemingway. Stephen and she has her own artistic aspirations. I be we have a clip right here. You know im a writer, too. Is that so . Max didnt tell you. I have been working on a play for quite some time now. Its about pauline, napoleons sister. More historical pageant, is it . Its attempting to be more modern. Wrote a play once. It was not a happy experience. I can tell that you. I found it anemic form. Lacking the multicolored cloak of proez. Dumped the form and returned to my novels. applause stephen now, clearly, shes frustrated. Ias. Stephen as a very can you relate to that in any way because youre a very successful, wellrespected artist yourself. How do you sort of how do you hook into a woman who is not being respected for her art. My mothers mother, my grandmother, i was mate lin clayball from the south. She always wanted to be an actress but it was not possible for respectable women to go into that proo fegz. Stephen no, it was like prostitution. It was. So she was an elocution major. He was allowed to do elocution. When i got into juilliard, when i got into school, we would compare notes about speech. And she learned certain words had hand motions that went with them when you would recite a poem and all of that. And she won a state competition, and there was a gold medal, and she gave me the gold medal. So i have that, which i love. Stephen thats lovely, thats lovely. Is that your Favorite Award . Probably, it probably sactually, yeah, yeah. I think thats why you know, masquerade parties and halloween parties became very, very popular because all those women were just dying to have a little fun. laughter . Stephen yeah, arent we all . laughter . Stephen genius will be in theaters this friday, go see it. But dont go away because well be back with more laura linney. The tempurbreeze makes me, not cold, but not hot. Its amazing ah, its like a Summer Breeze cracked window. Its that perfect cooling effect when you sleep. I can sleep the way that i sleep, and he sleeps the way that he sleeps, and we dont disrupt each other. Yeah, its just cool, its great my tempurbreeze makes me happy. My tempurbreeze makes me happier laughs discover the new tempurbreeze. To sleep happy guaranteed, and zero percent apr financing, visit mattress firm. Americas number one tempurpedic retailer. Ugh, this pimples gonnoh come on. Ver. Clearasil ultra works fast to begin visibly clearing up skin in as little as 12 hours. And acne wont last forever. Just like your mom, wont walk in on you forever. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen you see what im saying. Acne wont last. But for now, lets be clear. Clearasil works fast. And discover clearasil 5in1. One simple step to fight five signs of acne. Is this my car . Ck. State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . This is ridiculous theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . What . This is ridiculous this cant be happening this cant be happening oh, its happening sweetheart. Oh, its happening sweetheart. Shut up shut up thats why state farm is there, what a day. With car insurance, for when things go wrong. But also here with car loans, to help life go right. State farm. What a day stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with laura linney. cheers and applause its lovely to have you here, but this is not the first time weve met. People out there may not know that you and i have worked together before. Yr absolutely. We are the official spokespeople yesterdays coffee. Stephen thats right, yesterdays coffee. And anyone not familiar with this very fine product take another look at this clioeligible commercial. What a beautiful morning. Stephen it is now. Thanks for getting up to make the coffee. Stephen i didnt. What . Stephen i made this coffee yesterday. laughter but it tastes like you made it today. Stephen thats because i used yesterdays coffee. It tastes like you made it today. Thats a time saver. Stephen yeah. Hey, if we leave now, we could catch the fer tow grassy point, have a picnic like we used to. Stephen that sounds great. But i cant. I gotta make tomorrows coffee. Cant we worry about tomorrows coffee tomorrow . Stephen nope. The only reason why we have todays coffee is because i worried about it yesterday. So tomorrow well drink the yesterdays coffee that you made today. Stephen yes, and ill make the next days yesterdays coffee tomorrow. Then can we go on a picnic . Stephen well see. Ted what damn it, jill, i lost count of my scoops. Im sorry. Stephen im doing this for us. Someone has to think about the future. I understand. Stephen do you . laughter . The rest of our lives, we will always be one pot of coffee ahead. Stephen until that day when i make a pot of coffee that neither of us will ever drink. Im going to lie down. laughter cheers and applause yesterdays coffee tastes like you made it today cheers and applause stephen wow. Those were good times. And great coffee laughter . Stephen say, laura. Yes, stephen . Stephen you have ever made yourself a whole pot of yesterdays coffee, and then when tomorrow campaigns you realize you only needed a cup . All. The. Time. And you cant save the rest for the next day. Its not called two days ago coffee. Stephen laura, what if i told you theres a new way to enjoy yesterdays coffee today with yesterdays coffee singles. Wow being alone tomorrow just got easier today. Stephen in fact, i made these cups yesterday. This is instant . Stephen it was 24 hours ago. Which reminds me, i have to make my coffee for tomorrow. Well, shouldnt you make me one, too . Stephen these are single serve, laura. laughter . But, stephen, were together. laughter stephen for now. laughter applause but tomorrow . Who knows. Youre right. Everyone leaves. Stephen nothing lasts forever. Except these plastic coffee pods. Im so cold. Yesterdayee coffee tomorrow youre drinking alone but im not gonna let em catch me, no no, not gonna let em catch the midnight rider, yeaaahh. But im not gonna let em catch me nooo not gonna let em catch the midnight riiiiiiiideer i drive to the hoop. I drive a racecar. I have a driver. His name is carl. But thats not what we all have in common. We talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. Xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. Xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® a