Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160527

Food commercial . No. Stephen what about a food that appealed to both cats and dogs . No. Stephen okay. Totally different subject what if somebody had a late night talk show and they wanted to use keep on rockin in the free world for their theme song. Would you be okay with that . No. Stephen guise, dont run announcer stephen welcomes lizzy caplan, neil young and mike epps keep on rockin in the free world featuring jon batiste and stay human and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thanks, everybody cheers and applause you guys are fantastic welcome to the show hello down here hello up there welcome to the late show, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause thanks thank you very much thank you so much welcome to the late show. I dont know what this means but someone was doing it in the balcony, and i love it i need the positive energy. Folks, this is a crazy election. But, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. And if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months. I dont know how to explain to you whats going on. applause because today, donald trump received his 1,237th delegate, clinching the republican nomination. audience booing and saying that just clenched a few sphincters. laughter so thats it. Its official. The die is cast. Trumps the nominee. Just going to get comfortable for a second. cheering a year ago, it seemed impossible. But it just goes to show if you put your mind to something and work really hard youll still probably lose to donald trump. Heres what put trump over the top a small group of unpledged delegates decided today to back trump at the convention, and it is rock solid support, like one pennsylvania delegate who says he will back trump on the first ballot, but if theres a second ballot, i wont vote for donald trump, hes ridiculous. Theres no other way to say it. Now, come on cheers and applause now, come on. Thats not fair. There are plenty of other ways to say it. You could say hes a bloated leather sack stuffed full of steak and ego. You could say, hes got a head for bankrupting business and a body for sweatpants. You could say, hes a microwaved circus peanut someone rubbed on a golden retriever. Ly dick louse. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. It was so comfortable down there. Can i stay down there between now and the election . Theyre telling me i have to stand up. But wait. Theres more. Because Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So, today, trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders thats right. Two angry new yorkers shouting at each other itll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car i cant believe it immediately after trump offered to debate him, bernie responded by tweeting, game on. laughter sounds like hes accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure. Game on. Open the game. And while every network is bidding for this debate, i am happy to report that the debate will be on this show cheers and applause i dont know if its going to happen, but i am happy to report that. Makes me very happy to say that. Now, trump did put one condition on the debate. Id love to debate. Bernie. Hes a dream. If we can raise for maybe Womens Health issues or something. If we can raise 10 or 15 million for charity. Stephen yes, to raise money for Womens Health issues. Im guessing, the Donald Trump Foundation for women who arent anywhere near a 10, theyre like a 5 tops. laughter now whoever is our next president , he or she will be in charge of our Nations Nuclear arsenal, which apparently is in need of an upgrade. The pentagon still uses floppy disks with the Nations Nuclear arsenal. Eightinch floppies are part of a 53yearold computer network. It runs the system that sends and receives messages to launch nuclear weapons. Stephen thats right the security of our Nuclear Arsenal depends on eightinch floppy disks. Need i remind you there are now entire computers smaller than eight inches. Although these can do massive damage if you accidentally tweet a naked selfie of a floppy thats less than eight inches. cheers and applause evidently, our entire Nuclear Arsenal runs on an i. B. M. Series one from 1976. In fact, i believe we have some footage of it simulating an attack. applause of course, thats an exaggeration because that game, missile command, actually came out four years after the computer that controls our nukes. Now, with an annual military budget of 600 billion, many are now asking. Whohwhaaa . Well, according to a pentagon spokesperson, this system remains in use because, in short, it still works. Which is the same argument your parents use when you try to throw out their v. C. R. How am i supposed to watch titanic if not on two seperate cassette tapes . I think this is ridiculous, dangerous, and im not afraid to give Nuclear Command a piece of my mind. Helllooo helllooo upgrade your computers helllooo can you hear it . Keep it tight. Keep it tight. Helllooo helllooo laughter i hope i didnt just crash the system just then. laughter the world might turn into flaming molten glass. In the meantime say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. band playing cheers and applause stephen thank you very much oh welcome welcome, everybody welcome to hour two of the first five minutes of tonights show. Its fleet week here in new york, and weve got some special guests here in the audience tonight. Jimmy, can we show these guys . Weve got sailors joining us from the u. S. S. Bainbridge, the u. S. S. Fort mchenry, and destroyer squadron two. cheers and applause i tell you what, destroyer squadron two, im looking forward to that. I really enjoyed destroyer squadron one and heard the sequel is even better. laughter speaking of the ocean scientists have found that farmraised salmon are suffering from depression. Yeah. Turns out thats not seawater theyre swimming in, its tears. laughter apparently, the conditions on salmon farms have caused some fish to produce higher levels of cortisol and float lifelessly at the surface of the water. Which, by the way, is how i plan to spend my summer vacation. Now, this is really sad. Is it really worth it to corral these wild, beautiful creatures into crowded pens that sap their will to live, just so we can have brunch . It depends will it have that fluffy whipped cream cheese and maybe a thin slice of red onion and sprinkle a few capers . Otherwise, no. Its not. laughter well, im concerned for these poor fish. So im going to check in with good friend of the late show, please welcome sammy the salmon. Sammy, everybody cheers and applause hi, Stephen Sammy, thanks for being here. Always good to see you, sammy. Last time we talked, you had a serious drug addiction to Prescription Medication like prozac and zoloft that Scientists Say is leaking into the puget sound. How you doing . Yeah, but im off that stuff. Im totally clean now. Stephen well thats great, sammy. Howd you do it . I got into this great rehab program. Its on a farm. Lifes great me and about 90,000 other addicts. Stephen uh, sammy, are you talking about living on a salmon farm . Yeah its a good life. Sure, you work hard, but you if you put in your hours, one day, youll get a farm of your own. Stephen i dont think thats how it works. No, it does. They say if i gain enough weight, theyre gonna take me up to the executive suite to meet the head of the company. Stephen on a silver tray, im guessing. Yup they said theyre gonna give me a nice steam bath with some dill and lemon slices oh, god ive been living a lie. Stephen im sorry, sammy. I dont know what to say. Stephen, youve got to tell everybody. Poached salmon is made out of salmon poached salmon is salmon Stephen Sammy, wait. What are you doing . Youre not relapsing into drugs down there, are you . Sammy . Are you okay . Im fantastic just try to catch me, bleep i will cut you im gonna live forever wooooooo Stephen Sammy the salmon, everyone well be right back. cheers and applause the big hilton world sale is on honors members save up to 25 on brands like hampton, doubletree, hilton garden inn, and waldorf astoria so stop clicking around. Book direct at hilton. Com now thats satisfaction. Ithats so interesting honeyf mybecause im going to share p. A photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. whispers leggo my eggo anncr golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. Leggo my eggo. Wheall i can think abouthit, is getting relief. Only nicorette mini has a patented fastdissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. I never know when ill need relief. Thats why i only choose nicorette mini. From the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is known for her roles in masters of sex, mean girls, and the interview. Her new film is now you see me 2. Please welcome, lizzy caplan. cheers and applause thank you for being here thanks for having me. Its very exciting to be here. Im a really massive fan of yours. Stephen thats nice. Thank you so much. My cat is actually named colbert. Stephen now, i heard about this earlier today and i thought people were just b. S. Ing me, but now i got this photo of your cat playing with Dollar Dollar bills, yall, and this cats name is colbert. Those are hundreddollar bills. Hes quite wealthy. Stephen a he . Yes, i wouldnt do that to you. Stephen thats fine. Ive got the hips for it. Hes playing with the benjamins. Yes, but the cat is 13 years old now. Naming him colbert 13 years ago was very different. Stephen was he really named after me . When you were a correspondent on the daily show. cheers and applause stephen this is actually before people named things after me. 100 . Did you hear that applause . It was like a cool applause stephen not cool anymore. Then youve got the colbert report, like my street cred took a dip immediately. Stephen because i was successful . Its main stream now. Stephen so naming your cat after somebody who does a network show isnt cool . I may as well name him coldplay at this point. Stephen hey chris is a friend now. Nothing against coldplay but im not naming my cat coldplay. Stephen would you name your cat radio head . Yeah, maybe. laughter stephen now you see me 2. I saw now you see me 1. Tell people what the premise is. Were badass magicians. I wasnt in the first one, so it doesnt matter what happened in that one. laughter but in the second one we take on an evil tech magnate and were two steps behind and in the first one they were two steps ahead so its automatically more exciting. Stephen and daniel plays tech magnate. Yes. Stephen do you learn any real magic . I did, indeed. Stephen is it all, like, tv or film illusion or are you actually doing these tricks . We had to learn we were in magic camp for a week. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen your street cred just went back up. I know. Stephen name your next cat david copperfield. Oh, my god. David blaine. Stephen no, hes great. He holds his breath. We have a clip of you doing a natural magic trick. This is not tv magic. This is actual magic you did. This is not c. G. I. This is a legit thing. Stephen this is jesse isenbergs character . Yes. Stephen jim . Oh, hi. Who are you. At are you doing. This is a funny story. How did you get in . Its funny, ha ha. You might not think so. Its all relative. No. Im in the neighborhood and now im here and maybe okay. Seriously, how did you get in here. Are you some kind of crazed fan or something . Oh, my god, no, no, no. I recognize you. You did that b grade geek magic thing. Pulled the hat out of the rabbitt. applause stephen i guess i cant ask how that works. I think i can tell you a little bit. You have the to build this rig in the couch, so i had to, like, squish my body into the couch, thats really my head and its a fake body, and my head drops like a trap door through couch and it fast approaches the ground and so at the last minute you have to arch your back because you cant protect your face with your hands. Stephen sounds very painful. It was not not painful. Stephen were any actresses harmed in the making of this movie . No, i made it through. There is like a zipper thing involved, too, so i think i got a little zipper slice or two, but no big deal. Stephen not at all. You look fine. Dont see any scars. Well, its under my hair. Stephen really . No. Stephen okay. Good story, though. Yeah. Stephen well, youre also one of the stars of masters of sex. Yeah. Stephen let me ask you something here. Mmhmm. Stephen im sure you get this a lot. Yeah. Stephen sex um fact or fiction. Because ive heard really ugly stories about how sex works. Yeah, me, too. Stephen is it really what they say . It can be fairly dark, and occasionally violent, and i think that its probably all fiction. Stephen im hoping my parents conceived me with a firm handshake. I hope they did, too. Stephen is doing a show like portraying masters and johnson who are pioneers in sex research, does it in any way make you uncomfortable or did you go into this job saying im totally comfortable with sex and my sexuality and whatever people do is thumbs up, including thumbs up, which i heard is lovely. I heard a thing or two about that one myself. Yeah, i think i was pretty comfortable. I think you would have to be pretty comfortable going into it, but now im really comfortable. Stephen this is back in the 50s, so they didnt have much sex back then. I think like a couple of people had sex in the 50s. Stephen and then eisenhower came in. And then he was, like, no more of that. Stephen kennedy brought sex back, thats why he was so popular. And trump may take it away again. Again. applause stephen well, at least thinking about him might. Yeah. Stephen i think of you as a comedic actress, but masters of sex isnt a comedy. No, certainly not. Stephen you do all kinds of things now. Are you eclectic or are you covering your bases . I try to do both things, thats kind of the dream if youre an actress, but i think the dirty little secret is im not excellent at either so if i bounce back and forth nobody notices. Stephen i disagree. I think youre excellent at both of them. Stephen, thank you. Stephen no, you really are. applause stephen the reason i ask is i started off as a serious actor. I had a beard and black and poet jerk. A lot of black. Yeah. Stephen a ba ray or a tamashanter. Serious . Stephen i was unsufferable. In college . Stephen after college, i would act at people. laughter i watch the videos and its like a 45minute setup to a punch line that never comes. I would love to see that. I think everybody would probably love the to see that. cheers and applause stephen no way. No way. I never got a chance to talk to you about this but i talk to you about the other stars of this, the interview which came out a couple of years ago, that was an International Incident because north korea freaked out that you guys did a satirical movie which was very funny about interviewing kim young un. Did you feel responsibility for brig us to the brink of war . We made jokes on set. The codirector of the film, we decided we would have time to get to canada if anything happened, and then stuff actually happened, and then it was, like, not funny at all and everybody felt horrible about the whole thing. Stephen especially after we found out our entire Nuclear Arsenal was just an i. B. M. From 1976. Should have been a little more difficult for them to do all that damage, right . Yeah, the internet, whoo stephen do you do the internet. No. Stephen you dont to the social media . I dont do any of that. Stephen you would be so popular. Why dont you do any of it . It terrifies me, quite honestly. Stephen really . Yeah. I think its the downfall of our civilization. applause stephen well, on that happy note, thank you so much for being here, lizzy caplan now you see me 2 is in theaters june 10th. Lizzy caplan, everybody. Well be right back with mr. Kneel kneel. Thank you skneel neil young. Thank you so much lincoln spring collection event. Get a lincoln mkc or mkz for 289 a month or get getting roid rage. Hemorrhoid. These are the worst, right . Im gonna buy them. Boom. Ill take them. Impulse buy. Ommmmmmmmmmm. Presenting the American Express blue cash everyday card with cash back on purchases. Its all happening. And no annual fee. Here we go cash back on purchases. Backed by the service and security of American Express. Cash back on purchases. And installed a wood fired grill to make you a steak seared to smoky oak perfection . Oh wait, that was us. Only at applebees. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. My next guest is a music legend and twotime rock and roll hall of fame inductee. His latest album is called earth. Please welcome neil young cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen nice to see you again, neil. Always nice to have you on. Nice to see you, too. Thanks for having me. Stephen neil, i like you. I like you because you are an unreconstructed individualist, hippie, love booster. Do you believe in love . cheers and applause yeah. Stephen still believe in the transformative power of love . I actually believe in love and no fear. Stephen people dont talk about love much anymore, neil. There arent many songs about the power of love. People talk about men and women, but love is a powerful thing that can change the world. When you were coming up, that idea was associated to a lot of musiacs. Yes, it was. I dont know what happened, but i think love is still there. Love is in the music. Its just a word that needs to come around again big time. Stephen people get embarrassed if you talk about love. Not me. Stephen no . No. I love love. Stephen neil. Neil applause it feels good. Youre going on vacation right. Stephen starting tomorrow. Love love. Stephen love, love, yeah. Love, loves loving. I love you, neil. Thank you. Stephen are you feeling the burn . Im feeling the burn big time. Stephen okay. Please forgive this question, if this is an old settled thing are you an american citizen . Can you vote here . No, absolutely not. Im a canadian, yes. Stephen okay. Im a neighbor. Stephen youre a neighbor. And as such, i am affected by what happens, even though i live here. Stephen yeah . Not only that, you know, is not the president of the United States the leader of the free world . Stephen well, your words. I am the free world, okay. Stephen well, youre rockin the free world, thats for damn sure. We talked about that. Stephen yeah, we did talk about that. Yeah, that was good. Stephen mmhmm. Im glad you understood me. Stephen i did. Not in time to stop it for the show. But i tried to. Thats fine. Stephen lets talk about the entire earth now. You have a new album of songs you recorded previously called earth, but youve taken songs from the last 40 years of your career and rerecorded them but included earth sounds, like animals, city sounds yes. Stephen just pure nature. The sounds of earth. Stephen the sound of earth. Us, too, with our little car horns in traffic. Beep. Got a duck, quack quack. beeping were all here together. Lets face it. Stephen again, this is why i love you. laughter were all here together, lets face it. Yeah. Stephen and, so, thats why thats the music youre listening to . Lets not forget about the vanilla singers and the corporate harmony. We have a hologram of the corporate harmony. They float above the stage in the Live Performance and tell everybody how good they are. Everythings fine. Its great. Very positive. Stephen is that your message everything is fine . Thats their message. Stephen everythings not fine, is what youre saying . Im saying what im saying in all these songs ive written the last 40 or 50 years. Ive written all these songs. There is a new song on there, but most to have the songs start in the 70s, 1970s and go all the way to now. I have been singing about the same thing. Its like im a broken record. Stephen we looked it up, you have 70 albudget at this point or something. 700. laughter stephen you dont like the itunes and ipod. You have pono, your own music player. Its not i dont like them. Its they cant play what i do. Stephen what do you mean . Because we play music. We play live music and it has air and it has atmosphere, and you know some of the songs might be longer than 7 minutes or 4 minutes, and they dont have to fade out in between and come up and down. So we dont fit. Earth doesnt fit on the regular thing that everybody listens to today. , so you know stephen t looks like what is this . For your years, better than a toblerone. Stephen you ever jammed a toblerone, man . I missed the memo that said albums are not happening anymore. Its all about albums being a ripoff and only one song is good on the album so thats all you need to get. That is complete you know, thats no good. Stephen you put out singles in the old days, didnt you . 45s . Sure. applause stephen whats wrong with that . No, singles are great, its just that there is more to it than singles. Theres more to love than the first kiss. applause youre going on vacation now. Stephen well be back with more neil young cheers and applause save this weekend, take an extra 10 dollars off your purchase of 25 dollars or more and save on the summer stuff Everyone Needs like swimwear as low as 15 dollars shorts as low as 15 dollars and tees and tanks as low as 10 dollars now thats the good stuff kohls sc johnson ,, they go ooh ooh. Hey they go ohoohooooh. Sitting, watching, waiting, wishing. I tell you one thing, you never knew it. At the back of the bus there is so much to give, so dream big. Yeah. And when they screaming get out, get out. All i wanna hear is get down, get down. Yeah. And when they screaming get out, get out. All i wanna hear is get down, get down. Get down, get down. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody were back here with our friend neil young. Now, neil, youre concerned about a lot of things going on in the world and one of the things youre outspoken about is things like monsanto and genetically modified organisms. Frankenfoods. Yes, i care about the earth and the plan sheet whats wrong with them . Whats wrong with them . Stephen yes, a study came out and said there is absolutely no difference in people in europe who dont eat g. M. O. S and people in the United States who do. That must be a monsanto statement. Why do 38 countries ban g. M. O. S . They dont just label them. Theyre concerned about the people who live in the country, they want to protect them. Stephen youre absolutely, adamantly against g. M. O. S . I am, yes. applause hey, neil young why dont you say that to my corn face . Stephen im sorry. This is an intern. Its a g. M. O. Ear of corn. He goes to n. Y. U. You have something to say about the g. M. O. S . Im all ears. You look terrible. That makes me feel not good. And i can feel love, happiness the constant agony of being a mancorn hybird with no genitalia i was born this way. And yes, i was born, from a womb. Its beautiful dont judge why must you label me . I dont like labels generally, but you need to be labeled, because youre dangerous. Wow. That really hurts. Stephen who owns you . No one. Im corn. Will r where is the diversity we had with corn . Is this what we have now, this . Im delicious. Everybody loves me. Thats why youre banned in 38 countries. Really . You want to ban me, neil . Look at your life. Its going to end right now im so angry crashing sound whoa. Stephen get that off dont touch that. applause wow, does that happen often on your show . Stephen he was so young. Well, neil, thank you so much for being here. Im so sorry about that. I apologize. Thats never happened before. I understand. applause stephen earth is available on june 17. Neil young, everybody. Well be right back. Is he okay . cheers and applause ithats so interesting honeyf mybecause im going to share p. A photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. whispers leggo my eggo anncr golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. Leggo my eggo. 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There is a binder in the kitchen that has everything you need. I also eleft you some cash. No, no, no, i dont need your cash. Im good. Yall are family. I got a sock full of quarters in the car and ive got some scratch office that i feel real confident about. Cash is on the counter. Thats probably wise. Stephen please welcome mike epps cheers and applause stephen first off, congratulations i heard pretty fun, exciting news about you is that you you just graduated from high school. I did. Stephen congratulations you just got a degree a High School Diploma is that your mom there . Thats my beautiful mom right there. Stephen thats fantastic. I feel real good about it, you know. I got my High School Diploma. Stephen who is this who doesnt seem so impressed with you . Thats my granddaughter. Stephen you have a granddaughter . Yeah, thats my granddaughter, schuyler. Shes so beautiful. Shes looking at me in that picture like you know damn well you didnt graduate 2016. Stephen so you didnt graduate when you were in high school. What pulled you away . Did you go straight into standup . Thats the first thing you did as a performer. I couldnt keep a job. I was cracking jokes on all my job. Waffle houses, ponderosas,. Stephen did you workat a waffle house . I did, and ponderosa, steak and ale. I couldnt keep a job. My dad was mad at me. So i started working on being funny, and i got a funny job. Stephen what brought you to atlanta . Just being from indiana and not really understanding show business, i thought i could go to atlanta and become famous. laughter i went down to move my auntie after she told me dont come down because i know i invited you to atlanta to stay with me, but ive got a husband now, so you cant come, and i went anyway. Stephen showed up . I showed up. And she said, man i told you, mike, you cant stay with me. She says, you know what . He goes to work every day at 3 00 in the afternoon, you can stay in the basement. So im in the basement like anne frank hiding out. laughter stephen this makes your uncle a nazi. laughter okay . Yeah . How long did you do that . I did it for about it lasted for about three weeks. I guess he didnt stephen for three weeks he was working in the night shift and you would hide in the basement . Yeah, behind the dryer. The dryer would be on and i would be shaking back there, you know, with all the clothes and stuff. One day he decided to go to work late. I came upstairs and i had a bowl of cereal and my underwear on, and he looked at me and said, who are you . I said, i dont know who i am. Stephen whoever im supposed to be. Whoever gets to stay is who i am. So i ended up talking to the man and lived there for about a year, thanks to janice and sidney. Stephen very nice of them. Yeah applause stephen in the show, uncle buck, which is based on the original john candy movie, youre a father, a grandfather. Are you an uncle to anybody . Yeah, im an uncle. Ive got a lot of nieces and nephews. Stephen are you an uncle buck kind of character . Not that kind of character. Im like the uncle buck stephen nice one to have. I look like an s with two lines in it walking in the house. Stephen if one walked up out of your basement in only their underwear, what would you say to that . I would probably have to charge them on that. I would have to say, you have to pay me a little rent. laughter stephen is there an issue you do a standup about thats meaningful to you . In the past, youve talked about the africanamerican communitys relationship to police and is that still something you talk about now or something you cant joke about anymore because the tension is too great . Yeah, the police, in the africanamerican community, the police is, you know, when we see police, we get scared. We can be coming out of church and if we see the cops, we say, look, there go the cops. But, you know, i play with the police. I remember one time they pulled me over stephen what do you mean play with the police . I be so nervous when they walk up. They say, why you going so fast . One time i said, because i didnt see you stephen thats honest. Do you get any points for being honest . No, i still went to jail that night. Didnt change anything. But i think cops are like, you know, cops are like regular people, like people who work for the sanitation department. They have bad days, too. Theyre like normal people who have bad days. If you happen to catch them on a bad day, you know, you might have a bad time. Stephen if you catch them on your bad day, too, you will have a worse time. Yeah. Stephen the next time you see a policeman, he might say, did you just compare me to a garbage man . laughter mike, good luck next time you get pulled over and good luck with uncle buck. Appreciate you being here. Thank you so much stephen uncle buck premiers june 14. Mike epps, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause ,,,,,, stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rashida jones, daveed diggs, comedian marina franklin, and a musical performance by the struts. Dont go away, james corden is next with his guest, rebel wilson. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout it you come from. We about to get it right. The late late snow. Ladies and gentlemen, all the