Republicans have a simple agenda for america lower taxes, closed borders, and raw dogging. No protection at all. Republicans arent afraid to take a stand for a strog military, protecting the second amendment, and barebacking. And why are republicans so passionate about banning the love glove . cause it feels good. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Stop gun plus, stephen welcomes Julia Louisdreyfus and musical guest hozier. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen thank you very much. Thank you very much. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] today marks the 80th anniversary of dday, or as they call it in chicago, daaaaa day. [laughter] dday, of course, the turning point in defeating the nazis the original nazis, not the gritty reboot. To commemorate the sacrifices of world war ii, leaders from all around the world visited normandy today, including President Biden, canadian Prime Minister justin trudeau, and the king of world war ii, tom hanks. [cheering] this is true. This is true. If you whisper the words omaha beach three times into a mirror, hanks appears behind you and makes an amazing and kind of funny speech that makes you proud to be an american. President biden was joined by approximately 150 american veterans, including two dozen who actually fought on dday, the youngest of whom is 96. [cheering] heres President Biden spending time with one of those heroes. Once again, once again, those vets did an Incredible Service to their nation. They made joe biden look young. [applause] thank you the president turned on that classic biden charm, telling one of the veterans, godwilling, well see you at the 110th anniversary. Thats awesome the 80th anniversary is today, and the youngest one of those guys is 96, so by the 110th, theyll be. Thats awesome yeah, yeah. See ya guys there biden invoked the generation that beat fascism in the 40s to beat it again in the 2020s, and the nypd is doing their part. Because now that trump has been convicted of 34 felonies, the nypd is preparing to revoke his license to carry a gun. [cheering] no gun. No gun. Hes gonna have to change one of his signature brags. I could stand in the middle of fifth avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldnt lose any voters. Stephen tell you what. I could still stand in the middle of fifth avenue and, i dunno, give someone a purple nurple . A sack tap . Atomic wedgie . Wouldnt lose a single vote. Not a single vote. Hit em with a rubber band. Wet willie. Ever since he was convicted of again 34 felonies, trump has played the victim. He claims that him paying off a porn star was somehow joe bidens idea. And he was asked about his conviction last night on hannity. People are claiming you want retribution. Would you do that ever . Look, whats happened to me has never happened in this country before. And it has to stop, because wait a minute. I want to hear it again. It has to stop . Well, it does have to stop. I would have every right to go after them. Stephen i would. What they have done is horrible and has to stop. Which is why i can do it, too. As jesus says in the bible, if a man strike you on the cheek, hulk smash. [cheers and applause] he smash. Dont make jesus angry. You wouldnt like it. Id still love you but you wouldnt like me. Jesus said that. Jesus said that. You can look it up. He will still love you. Trump suggested that americans put aside their differences and love one another like they do at that famous pacifist organization, the ufc. You know what, when i watched, it was very some of the fighters, two in particular, hated their opponent. And this went on for months, and the fight was broadcast out and they announced the fight, and the hatred was real. It was the real deal. These people have they have a lot of hatred, and they hated and then the fight ended and they are hugging and kissing in the ring. Theyre down, sitting on the theyre hugging and kissing. Stephen i know it sounds unlikely, but remember what mma stands for. Mwah, mwah, awww. [applause] also, leave it to a guy who bankrupted a casino to not understand how fight promotion works. Get this. A week before the fight, both guys had to meet at the weigh in and i thought, uhoh, theyre gonna kill each other. but they ended up just taking pictures with logan pauls energy drink. Makes your skin hurt. Hannity asked trump about the issue of drugs crossing the southern border, and trump waxed poetic about the dangers of addiction. I say that to people, with your children, they ask me, what do you think, with children, what do you tell them . I say no drugs, no alcohol, i also say no cigarettes. Dont have the cigarettes. Dont have cigarettes. Dont have them. I have friends, they cant stop smoking. Stephen powerful. Powerful words. Reminds me of Nancy Reagans famous psa just say no drugs. No alcohol. Just also say no cigarettes. Dont have the cigarettes. Dont have the cigarettes. Dont have them. I have friends. They cant stop smoking. [applause] trump has been claiming everywhere that joe biden is weaponizing the justice department, turning it into the joestapo. Railroading his opponents on a fascist acela led by commandant choochoossolini of course, that is slightly undercut by the fact that biden does not control the new York State Court system, and that the department of justice is actually presently prosecuting democratic congressman henry cuellar, investigating missouri democrat cori bush, and is presently trying bidens son hunter because he allegedly lied on a gun purchase form when he said he wasnt using drugs. Wait a second. Its against the law to buy guns while using drugs . Okay, so whos gonna arrest florida . [cheers and applause] one big cuff . Plus, if biden was really pulling the strings, maybe he would have stopped the doj from prosecuting new jersey democrat and business bilbo, robert menendez. Senator menendez is currently on trial in new york, where he and his wife, nadine, are accused of accepting gold bars, cash, a mercedes convertible, and mortgage payments in exchange for using political influence to enrich and protect three new jersey businessmen. Now, i know what youre thinking when you hear new jersey businessmen. [laughter] but we actually have a statement from one of these executives. Everybody immediately assumes youre mobbed up. Its a stereotype, and its offensive. [laughter] stephen menendezs Defense Strategy has been to blame his wife, a move known in legal circles as the alito. Menendezs lawyers claim he did not have a key to his wifes locked closet, where investigators discovered envelopes of cash and gold bars, adding, they lived separate lives. Yes, theyre two different people. Its like that old book, men are from mars, women keep a locked closet full of gold. Now, allegedly. Its true, right . You ever read . You ever read that book . Allegedly menendez pressured regulatory officials to stand back after one of his cronies was granted the sole right to certify that meat exported to egypt from the United States conformed to islamic dietary requirements. This whole story will be covered on the new crime drama, halal order shawarma victims unit. Kabob. Stephen all this led one official to call menendez a villain in an egyptian meat controversy. And you do not want to be the villain in an egyptian meat controversy. Or, for that matter, the hero in an egyptian meat controversy. Id just stay clear of controversial meat in general. Now, were learning the fbi got the scoop on the menendezes back in 2019 by spying on them meeting the egyptian businessmen at the mortons steakhouse a few blocks from the white house. A steakhouse is a pretty public place to break the law, but i guess menendez was willing to brisket [mooing] [cheers and applause] i dont know. I dont know why im looking over here. One of menendezs attorneys has claimed there was nothing suspicious about this dinner because the senator was a regular at the steakhouse, going there 250 nights out of the year. 250 nights a year at mortons steakhouse the judge can skip the sentencing, because whats happening to his colon is cruel and unusual punishment. For what its worth, the fbi seemed to enjoy the operation. When a prosecutor asked one of the agents whether they had eaten during the stakeout, she replied, i sure did. It was good, too. The judge then interjected, i hope the f. B. I. Paid for your meal, to which the agent replied oh, yes, sir, they did. The agents got a free meal . I guess thats why its called. A steak out [mooing] [cheers and applause] oh, this is important. If you see people hoarding condoms at the cvs this weekend, these arent just your average condom collectors. Because yesterday, Senate Republicans blocked a bill to protect access to contraception. Senate republicans are hypocrites. How can they pretend to be so puritanical when weve all seen the Mitch Mcconnell sex tape . [cheers and applause] [laughter] youre welcome. Youre welcome. Youre welcome. Blocking federal access to contraception isnt just dumb, its also wildly unpopular. Recent polls say 80 of voters said access to contraception was deeply important to them. The other 20 are your High School Boyfriend who says condoms dont work anyway. And you cant get pregnant in a hot tub. Thats just science. The democrats brought this bill in response to a threat to privacy rights posed by the Supreme Court and to get republicans on the record over contraception. To mark the occasion, the Advocacy Group americans for contraception unveiled a 20foot inflatable iud outside Union Station in d. C. Pretty neat, would have been even cooler if it danced around like those guys at the car wash. Youre going to feel a slight pinch. We got a great show for you tonight yay whoo my guest is Julia Louisdreyfus and then a performance by hozier. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored allstate. Youre in good hands. Ha ha ha. And while were still miles from the lake, im gonna launch this boat right here. See ya. [rusty creak sounds] ahoy [traffic noises] so get allstate, save money on Auto Insurance and be protected from mayhem. Yeah, like me. [son] mom yeah. [son] i fell. Okay theres bandages in the cabinet. [son] im bleeding. Grab two. Sheba. What cats want. Marshalls buyers are detail obsessed perfectionists. Who take quality very seriously. And go to the ends of the earth to hustle the best of the best for you. Yes we get the deals, you get the good stuff. Marshalls. Did you know. 80 of women are struggling with hair damage . Just like i was. Dryness and frizz could be damaged hair that cant retain moisture. New pantene miracle rescue deep conditioner, with firstofitskind melting prov pearls. Locks in moisture to repair 6 months of damage in one wash, without weigh down. Guaranteed or your money back for resilient, healthylooking hair. If you know, you know its pantene. Weve always loved taking care of our home. But last year, grandpa here broke his arm. We realized some Home Maintenance jobs arent worth the risk. Thats when we called leaffilter to protect our gutters. Leaffilters patented Filter Technology keeps debris out of your gutters for good. They gave us a free inspection and we had the System Installed that week. My only regret is not calling them sooner. Now we can focus on what we really enjoy. Join millions of satisfied homeowners. Call 833 leaffilter today or visit leaffilter. Com looking for a reason to try the new 5 meal deal at mcdonalds . Heres one, two, three, four and the price makes 5. Thats everything you get with the new 5 meal deal at mcdonalds. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band right over there. All right, ladies and gentlemen, folks, you know if you watch this show you know i spend most of my time right over there in the news workshop, sourcing the days finest, most topical story mahogany, rosewood, and ebony, and handcarving it into an elegant giltwood frame then adding tufted foliate upholstery, and a shieldshaped back all supported by tapered carved gilt legs with scrolls, fluting, and ribbon details to create for you the elegant yet timeless 18thcentury louis xvi porters balloon hood chair that is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, after fighting over a hammock with a raccoon in a landfill, i grab a rusty hubcap off an abandoned 78 impala and slap it onto some busted ski poles, then park my keister on the tetanusvector peasant stool of news that is my segment. Meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen right there. Cannot be denied. Unstoppable force, immovable object. Meanwhile, in newborn news, the website babycenter has released their five biggest baby name trends of 2024 so far, with some of the most popular being from movies like dune, with the name chani rising more than 3,300 spots. But there are still surprisingly few babies this year named anusfaced sandworm. Shaihulud. Lisan al ghaib. Meanwhile, goldfish crackers have debuted a new flavor spicy dill pickle. Perfect for anyone saying i love pickles, i just wish they were dustier. Dusty pickle, by the way, that was my stripper name. Old dusty pickle. Meanwhile, the worlds best restaurant awards were handed out last night, and the winner is disfrutar, a fine dining place in barcelona, which was announced during a gala ceremony in las vegas, featuring chefs from around the globe in what is known as the oscars of global fine dinig. It was a wonderful evening until will smith slapped chris rock. I dont know why. I do not know why. Disfrutar is hailed for its imaginative and playful dishes executed with technical mastery, such as the caviarfilled panchino doughnut. Very nice, but here in america, ill have you know we already happen to have a restaurant called doonkeen that stuffs donuts with pumpkin pie filling. [boston accent] the caviar of worcester. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, dr pepper is now as popular as pepsi. [cheers and applause] in a related story, mr. Pibb and rc cola could not be reached for comment after what authorities are calling a grisly murdersuicide. [laughter] meanwhile, theres a new trend in tinsel town, because hot rodent men have become hollywoods sexiest heartthrobs, featuring actors with socalled unusual features, like barry keoghan, kieran culkin, and jeremy allen white. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Jeremy allen white has such unusual features, like abs where his stomach should be and eyes like bottomless wells of cleansing light. You know, rodent. As for why the rat men are now so hot, trendspotters say that the tennis movie challengers is largely responsible for the new dating trend, thanks to leading stars mike faist and josh oconnor having hot rodent qualities. Explains the movies full title challengers of traditional societal beauty standards. Jk, these guys are hot as hell and this trend is totally manufactured. Also, wheres the threesome . We were promised a threesome wheres the threesome . Wheres the. Meanwhile, dominos says its using ai to make pizzas before people order them. Just like the plot of my favorite scifi movie, pienority report. According to dominos ceo, we make pizzas before people order them. You start your order online and at some point, our algorithm figures out youre ready to order and we start making them. The algorithm is so powerful that now Dominos Pizza tracker also tells you the exact date and time of your death. Well be right back with Julia Louisdreyfus have you all here as our summer interns. As i like to say, dunkinterns. You love saying that. Affleck and damon, the dunkings are not here this summer is all about big dunkin iced energy. B d i e what does that big dunkin iced button do . I wouldnt lets see. Are those your car keys . We tried to program it to bring me a dunkin iced every time you push the button. Grab him . Get that away from me again. Thank you. A lot of surprises. Lets put a dunkin iced in every hand this summer dunkin iced type 2 diabetes . Discover the ozempic® trizone. I got the power of 3. I lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. In studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. Im under 7. Ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as stroke, heart attack, or death in adults also with known heart disease. Im lowering my risk. Adults lost up to 14 pounds. I lost some weight. Ozempic® isnt for people with type 1 diabetes. Dont share needles or pens, or reuse needles. Dont take ozempic® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. Stop ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis. Gallbladder problems may occur. Tell your provider about vision problems or changes. Taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. Side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. Living with type 2 diabetes . Ask about the power of 3 with ozempic®. Hey, come on, come on do what you want get into an audi and go your own way. Find your way to exceptional offers during the summer of audi sales event at you local audi dealer. ladies night by kool the gang get your grills out this summer with pepsi, the official beverage of girlls night out. [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show. Folks, my guest tonight is a delightful actress who holds the record for the most emmys won by an actress in a single role. You know her from seinfeld, the new adventures of old christine, and veep. She now stars in the film tuesday. Please welcome a national treasure, Julia Louisdreyfus. [cheers and applause] [cheering] julia thank you. [cheering] thank you, guys. You can take a nap. Stephen a short one. Lovely to see you again. Julia hello its lovely to be here, it is in fact. I adore you so im happy to be here. Stephen i adore you, too. Im very lucky to be your friend and its nice to see your creative friends do things theyve never done before.