cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs . . . Stephen hey how are you . Welcome to the late show, everybody. Good to see you, jon. Nice to see you. cheers thanks so much, everybody. Nice. What lovely people here. Amazing. Please, thank you so much for being here. Welcome to the late show. Up there, down here, all around. Welcome, good to see you. These people are alive on this planet. Thank you for being here. Welcome to the late show, im stephen colbert. And i hope everyone at home and everyone here is with a loved angelina and brad pitt are getting a divorce. Thats right, no more brangelina. Theyre just going to be jelina and bran, now. Heres what happened. The divorce papers were filed yesterday in los angeles superior court, citing irreconcilable attractiveness. laughter now, why did this happen . We dont know. We dont know. We can speculate. But were not sure. Something this cataclysmic, it is the fog of war. But rumors are swirling that brad had an affair with french actress marion cotillard. Yeah oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we could soon be looking at mariad brotillitt. laughter speaking of bickering couples, are you guys ready for this mondays president ial debate . cheers and applause panic. Im just going to let you know, the late show will be coming to you live on monday right after the debates. Join us, wont you . applause because just like the debates, nothing about my show will be fact checked. So please join me with my guest, Queen Elizabeth ii its going to be good. I think it was just yesterday, holt announced the topics of the debate, its the direction of america, achieving prosperity, and securing america, which by the way, are also the least popular scents at Yankee Candle. I gotta say, those are some pretty general topics. Leave something for the moderators coming after you, lester its like you just licked every baby carrot on the debate topic vegetable tray. By the way, debate topic vegetable tray, also another very unpopular Yankee Candle now, trump has been preparing for the debate by posting an Online Survey asking voters to weigh in on the allimportant questions from what issues trump should focus on to whether or not he should say crooked hillary on the debate stage. Thats leadership. There are a couple of Core Principles that define who i am. Now, what are they again . cheers and applause and, according to trump, the reason hes prepping via Online Survey is because, hes only going on stage to be your voice. I know thats not true, because if trump was my voice, he would be letting out a constant horrified scream. laughter theres i reason, i believe, we i want a commander in chief who puts thought into his policy, more thought than what i put into finding out which Gilmore Girls character i am. P. S. Im a total lorelai. applause but lorelai fans. Lorelai fans. But on the other hand, this is a rare opportunity for you to directly influence a president ial debate. Hes reading this online poll to figure out what so heres what i want you, the colbert nation, to do. I want you to go to www. Gop. Com debateprepsurvey, and fill out the survey. cheers and applause and when, on almost every question, it gives you the option, other, please specify, and whenever you see the words, other, please specify, im releasing my taxes. Or im not really a billionaire. Or putins butt tastes like cotton candy. cheers and applause jon oh oh oh stephen yeah. . We got a winner . Now, a poll came out last week actually that found Hillary Clinton has the support of just with the remaining 69 of millennials split evenly between Bernie Sanders and harambe. laughter but, i do know of one millennial whos voting for hillary, former president george h. W. Bush. He qualifies as a millennial because i believe hes a thousand years old. laughter just kidding. Hes a vigorous 92, and two years ago, he celebrated his tweeting about it. cheers and applause so to those of you out there whose grandpa still cant figure out how to use an iphone, have him try it in midair. Heres how we know how hes voting. Yesterday, former maryland official and Robert Kennedys daughter, Kathleen Kennedy townsend, posted this picture of her with h. W. On facebook, saying, the president told me hes voting for hillary so cheers and applause yeah. So, jeb bush, there goes your one writein vote. laughter now, so, to recap a bush told a kennedy hes voting for a clinton. If youre playing along at home, thats illuminati bingo. laughter say hello to jon batiste and . . . . . . Stephen its like old days. Old home week. Hey all right, all right. Everybody feeling okay . cheers and applause stephen im glad to hear it because its been a rough couple of days here in new york and around the country. And a lot of people are trying to figure out how to keep us safe. Commentary out there. Then theres this next thing. Last night, trumps oldest son and guy who promises you a great deal on a 2003 suzuki sidekick. Donald trump, jr. , tweeted out this graphic its a powerful metaphor, really makes me reconsider my stance on laughter now, now, there are a couple of problems with this skittles meme. First off, it reads, if i had a bowl of skittles and i told you just three would kill you period. Okay, thats not right. laughter as in, if you think thats a complete sentence, you must have your head up your. laughter applause also cheers period period also, turns out the math is wrong. Hes saying three out of a little bowl of refugees would kill you, but last week the conservative Cato Institute did the math and found the odds of an american being killed by a refugee in a terror attack is one in 3. 64 billion. So thats not three poisoned skittles in a bowl. Thats three poisoned skittles in one and a half olympicsized swimming pools of skittles. And, yes, for the record, i would eat all of them. Because once you get started youre like two more, two more. Ill just have two more. Worst of all, this meme isnt even original. Its a ripoff of a similar idea posted by a feminist group, though in the original analogy, they used m ms. Of course, the trump family prefers skittles because there are no brown ones. applause laughter but, heres the real problem with this graphic it compares refugees fleeing their wartorn countries to pieces of sugar. These are people who dream of living in a country where food is so plentiful, we waste our candy on metaphors. So let me explain to donald trump, jr. Why hes wrong in language he can understand. Reducing complex political problems to candy is nutrageous. Anyone with an ounce of smarties is snickering at you, because you are alienating a lot of peeps. I mean, where does it end . Do we keep out swedish fisherman or gay couples like mike and ike . laughter applause youre just trying to skor a cheap political payday with this whopper, dum dum. cheers and applause theres more. Theres more. So go back to 5th avenue, and fudge yourself. cheers and applause well be right back to ponder the innocence of youth with a surprise guest. . . . I tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. . . . . . . . . whispers rocket but grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. [ . Diggy . By spencer ludwig] . . If you didnt expect to see an applebees usda choice top sirloin searing to smoky oak perfection on a new woodfired grill. Just wait until you see the price. Woodfired steak with two sides for just 9. 99. Now for a limited time. I learned as a Police Officer and a businessman you should never abuse peoples trust. Unfortunately, today too many politicians either serve their party or themselves, and arizona families suffer. The Arizona Republic called paul babeu a disgrace. Babeu spent 28,000 of taxpayer money at a fivestar resort and was questioned by the fbi for using public money to promote himself. Ohalleran im tom ohalleran, and i approve this message, band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody in just a little bit, im really excited, because just in a little bit ill be sitting down with first Lady Michelle obama. cheers and applause everybody likes her. Everybody likes this woman, even though she is most famous for telling people to eat their vegetables. Its incredible. For eight years at home and abroad, she has provided a voice for every american who wanted to tell the rest of the world see . Were not all crazy. The first lady is here to talk young women all across the globe. Now, this might come as a shock to a lot of you, but i am not a girl. laughter but a lot of important people in my life my daughter, my wife, my mother they were all once girls. And i can tell you, im glad they had access to education. Of course, i did go to school, and i learned a lot while growing up. But there are times that i miss the innocence of being a child. I wish there was a place i could go where everything i knew when i was a child was still true. And you know what . There still is. My blanket fort. . . . applause stephen hey, hey, are you still awake . Oh yeah. Stephen hey, michelle . What . Stephen nothin. laughter hey, stephen . Stephen hey, yeah . If you got stuck on a Desert Island with one famous person, who would you pick . Stephen oh, id pick the pr how about you . Beyonce. laughter applause stephen wait, wait, wait. Can i change to beyonce . No. Shes mine. Stephen can i visit . Maybe. Stephen hey, michelle . Do you think fruits and vegetables have feelings . Gosh, i hope not. Stephen hey, can i have one of your baby carrots . Yeah, theyre great. laughter stephen hey, did you know that if you eat too many carrots you turn orange . Really . Stephen yeah. And if you turn really orange, you have to start saying crazy things and run for president. laughter applause , think adults do all day while were at school . Stephen oh, they go to work. And what do they do at work . Stephen i think they drink wine and watch rrated movies. Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up . Stephen oh, i think i want to go to harvard and be a lawyer and a writer and an advocate for nutrition and military families and girls education. I want to be joe biden. Stephen yeah. Or a pirate. Stephen ooh or a pirate joe biden arrrr. Get off me get off me train thats pretty good, Joe Biden Michelle obama pirate. Stephen you want to see something spooky . Yeah. Oh, my gosh dondo its not funny stephen hey, ow, ow laughter applause stephen when i grow up im going to be president so ill have the secret service stop you from doing that to me. Hey, michelle, why do we have to take the president ial physical fitness test . Why does he care how many sit ups i can do . Probably because hes super stephen i heard some teachers have their own kids at home. Really . Stephen yeah. How do they get them . Stephen i hear they pick the ones they like best from last years class. Hey, michelle, do you know where babies come from . You should ask a grownup. Stephen why . Because they get really flustered when you ask and they start stuttering. Ey its the funniest thing in the whole world. You gotta see it. Stephen im going to do that. Hey, stephen. Stephen yeah. If you got one wish what would it be . Stephen im not telling unless you tell. Well, im not telling unless you tell. Stephen okay, lets count to three and say them at the same time. Okay. The 62 Million Girls worldwide who are not in school cheers and applause jinx now you cant talk until i say your name, Stephen Stephen that counts my friend michelle obama, everybody. Well be right back. . . . cheers and applause cheering on tv you may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust, i rise. You can shoot me with your words. You can cut me with your lies. You can kill me with your hatefulness. But still, like air. We rise. . When lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. . . . . band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. It is now my honor to welcome back to the late show the first lady of the United States, michelle obama. . This is for my girls . cheers and applause . This is for my girls all around the world cheers and applause cheers and applause nice crowd, yeah stephen good to see you again. cheers and applause you, too. You guys are so sweet cheers and applause thank you, guys. Few people. I have known a few people in washington, d. C. , and not all of them get that kind of reception when they go someplace. Um, so, youre almost done with the eight years in the white house. Yes. Almost were almost out of there stephen how does that feel . Is it at all bittersweet . Yeah. Stephen or youre like, wheres the exit . Its definitely bittersweet. I mean, everything is, like, the last, you know . And i find myself choking up becaus in the white house. Weve had so many amazing experiences. We have a phenomenal staff. We live in a house with people who love us and care about us. And, you know, were going to be walking away from all that and its just been an honor. Stephen have you had to say to the kids, be prepared. The next house is not going to be like this. I actually made my kids start packing their rooms already. Its like, get this done. Well, you know. Stephen you dont upon to my thing is if you dont pack it, im throwing it out. So, thats what i do. Stephen then it ends up on ebay. Its on ebay, i sell it. You know. Stephen well, the most important question i have to ask you is, what is beyonce really like . laughter cheers and applause shes shes so talented that i have trouble looking at her without my retinas burning out. You guys actually hang out like friends, right . You shouldnt look her in the eye. Shes a special person. Stephen whats it like to be beyonces beyonce . Because she looks up to you. Shes a sweetheart. I mean, shes smart. Shes creative. Shes a great mother. She loves her family. I mean, shes a shes just, you know, shes just a lowkey lady. So we have a lot in common in that way. Except i cant sing. I cant dance. laughter stephen you can dance. Ive seen you dance. Not like beyonce. laughter stephen well, i want to talk to you about this essence magazine. Talking about your eight years in there. But i need to talk to you about this picture, which, when it was released, burned the internet to ground, right there. applause what thats me and my boo. Stephen you know, we liked you already. You didnt have to release this photograph. What are you guys saying to each other there . How did this moment come about . You know, barack is horrible in photo shoots, because, and i hate doing photo shoots with him, so im sure right there i was saying, would you just be patient, and, stop. Dont rush the photographer. Hes like, i think we got the shot. Can i go, can i go . No, you cant go. That was exactly barack has two smiles for a photo. Its like this smile or this smile. laughter and he just sort of like, i think were done. We have it. And its like, no, we didnt. These photographers they have been setting up for hours. Can give you five minutes. I was trying to convince him to chill out and relax, so they caught that discussion. laughter stephen thats whats happening right there . This is just chill out. Chill out. Stephen please, please, just one more photograph. And hes like, really . Stephen who is it harder to get to stand for a photograph, your husband or your children . Oh, my husband, without a doubt. I mean, well yeah, him. Hes tough. I thought you were go stephen well . Him. laughter stephen now, that smile, that was a pretty good impression of your husband. Do you do an impression of your husband . We all three of us have Good Impressions of barack. Stephen would you mind sharing a little bit . Well, its usually at the dinner table because you know malia will start it because she usually asks serious question. Dad, tell us about your day. And what about that conversation on Global Warming . Dont get him started. And hes like, well, im glad im glad you asked that. Let me just let me just answer that in three points. One and then onea, and onea and b. And sasha and i are like, oh stephen youre like, professor, can i audit this lecture . Because sasha and i want to talk about our Favorite Song on the lemonade album. Thats what we want to talk about. He doesnt want th stephen i heard you say about the president that he leaves the job at the door when he comes into the residential part of the white house. He does. Stephen is that really true . I cant leave my job at the door. How does he leave that at the door . You know, at least our time together. When he first walks in, we have dinner. Its usually dinner time. So thats the time when unless malia asks him about his work, which we try not to have her do, its all about the kids, you know. Whats the latest gossip . Hes really into gossip, so you can get him because he doesnt have a life. laughter stephen no, but hes got the n. S. A. , and he can find out what any of us are thinking. laughter applause so, being the first lady, being the first lady, obviously, is a lot of responsibility. Its a great honor at the same time. Do you have any first lady when you look back on the last eight years do you have any first lady faux pas, like i cant believe that moment . Oh, god, so many of them. They usually involve pronouncing somebodys name wrong. Im so horrible. Stephen because you go all around the world. Oh, god, names are so hard. And i practice and i try to get and then i get up there and i mess it up. Even names here in the United States. I mean, kids these days, their names. I mean i can tell you, i think ive got it right. Im looking at the name card, and its like, no, its not im usually just like, hey, sweetie, how are you doing . I just have given up on that. Stephen its colbert, you dont pronounce the t. And its not steve. Its stephen. Stephen thats exactly right. Tha