so what are you doing in denver? you run out of social diseases out in durango? ah. you getting a little senile? i'm here to talk with ed about the bid to build your new store out by the airport. yeah. yeah. ed! jim! hey, edward. (ed laughs) good to see you, ed. thank you. how are you? good to see you. great. michael, i'm seriously considering letting jim build our next store in thornton. huh? pending your okay, of course. yeah, yeah, that's great. uh, we gotta talk in your office for a minute. we'll be right back out. i'll just spread out here. don't touch any of my stuff. listen, ed, why are you always springing stuff on me without any warning? "always"? name one other time. off the top of my head, how about the "exotic elf" at the christmas party? i had no idea she was gonna take her clothes off. the kids were in shock. if it's any consolation, later on in the evening, she stole my tv set. when we talked about my brother coming here to bid on this, i said i don't mix business and family. come on. your brother's been doing construction for 25 years. yeah, but if we give him this job, he's gonna be around here for a year. so? i can't even be on a touch football team with a guy like that. he'll have to play quarterback. i'm a receiver. he sends me on the wrong route! i'm in the end zone, going like this-- "i'm open! i'm open! i'm open! for the love--" yeah! and that's just what he did, like this. (chuckles) this--this sounds-- sounds like a classic case of two alpha males fighting for turf, like--like--like monkeys or--or aggressive tree roots. don't get me wrong. i love my idiot brother. yeah. in my experience, fighting and loving go hand in hand. that's why your second wife shot you. then we made love in the ambulance. you decide about working with jim, but i'll tell you this-- it was a hell of a bid, and they have some great ideas. "they"? is my dad involved in this? michael, don't slouch. (tv blooping) hey, w-what are you doing? just deleting all your "hoarders" episodes. well, don't, don't. they make me feel good about my closet. mom, you have more than 20 saved up. you know, mother, you're actually hoarding "hoarders." hey, everybody, we got a visitor alert. hey, hey. jimmy! hi. hey, guys. oh, my god. hey. mwah. hi. look at you. hey, beautiful. you are still way too gorgeous for my brother. oh, stop, stop. ah, no, one more thing. say one more nice thing. (sniffs) you smell pretty. aw. honey, how come you never say things like that? because i already have ya. yeah. please, big hug. let me look at you. i'm trying to remember which one of you i like the best. it's me. it was you, briefly. mike. where do i plug in the sewage pipe for my rv? where did we do it last time? the wongs', and they didn't like it. hello, beautiful. mm. oh, my good--mwah. ohh. good to see you. gosh, why didn't you two tell us you were coming? we didn't want to be any trouble. you'd just be out buying food, cleaning the guest rooms. yeah. (chuckles) uh, where you going? i'm gonna go buy food, clean the guest rooms... remember, i like red meat. it does not like me. (mike) yeah. trust me, dad, that is something that, uh, we will never forget. why were you trying to pass me on the freeway? why didn't you let me pass you? because i'm leading you to my house. i know where you live, and your way is stupid. my way's stupid? well, your-- your way is stupider. i know how to get to your house. it's not a stupid thing-- ladies. and ugly. this is us in 30 years. who wants a beer? yeah. what kind do you have? the free kind. sounds good. pop. take a load off. i'll go get the bags. do it. don't brag about it. you girls... you're so beautiful. i'm sorry your grandma couldn't see you all grown up. do you still miss her, grandpa? sure, i do. she was my soulmate, you know? they only come around once in a lifetime. do you still set her place at the dinner table? no. that would be creepy. hey, can i get you anything? yeah, i'm a little peckish. yeah? why don't you grab those pistachios over there? why don't all three of us get them? 'cause it's a tiny bowl? just come with me. guys, grandpa seems really lonely. (eve) where did you get that from? the way he talks about nana. you know, it's been five years. i think he needs to meet someone. no, no. no, no, no. mandy, we are not gonna set grandpa up. why not? because this isn't a 1950s musical. hey, what's holding up my nuts? so ed's gonna let baxter & sons build the new store? it's worse. he says it's my decision. so what are you gonna do? i'm not gonna let him build it. jim turns everything into a competition, and i'm not gonna let him win. well, your dad'll be there. won't he keep the peace? right. he likes it when we fight. i think it's what keeps him alive. come on! i'm not kidding. every time jim and i argue, my dad's skin looks better. well, honey, maybe this is a good thing. i mean, i-i think jimmy's always been a little jealous of your success. i mean, maybe this will bring you closer. we are close. well, you see each other, what, three times a year? what do you even talk about? everything--sports, the broncos, how the team's doing... honey, those are one thing. would you go in business with your sister? which one? april or teri? teri. no. april? no. why did you say, "which one?" you know, my sisters-- they're--they're varying degrees of crazy, but jim--jim's not. come on. can't you just put aside your famy issues and give the guy a chance? i hate it when you think i'm a better man than i am. hey, mike. you need a hand with anything? like, um... getting me that beer? (bottle cap fizzes) how about i get you a job? why don't you build the outdoor man? that's a good call. (chuckles) "good call." that's it? what do you want me to do? kiss your loafers? it's a good call. no, but i--you know. i'm asking you to build an 80,000-square-foot building, maybe some guys would say, "thank you." brother, i'm gonna hand you the best outdoor man... i-i know you are. in the history of outdoor men... no, i understand all that. i unders-- so i'm thinking some guys would say, "you're welcome." y-you're welcome. right. "you're welcome." it's easy. no, you're welcome. no, you're totally welcome. you start with a "thank you"... listen, this is-- and then you say, "you're welcome." th-this is my pleasure. you're welcome. no, you're welcome. you are welcome. you're welcome. welcome! it starts--it star-- gee, thank you. you're welcome? when you ache and haven't you're not you. tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol®. kisses deluxe chocolates. with a whole roasted hazelnut, delicate crisps and layers of rich, creamy chocolate, they're twice the size of the kisses chocolates you love. say more with kisses deluxe. hey, ed. oh, there you are. i got your emergency text. what's the problem? yeah, uh... (clears throat) (lowered voice) you see the fetching sandwich lady over there? hmm? (speaking inaudibly) (whispers) what's her name? uh... jackie. j-jackie! yes, that's it. (normal voice) thank you very much. thank you. thanks. this is precisely why i never wanted you to have my cell phone number. come on now, come on now. now why the frosty tone? gee, i'm sorry, ed, but i'm a little busy. got to head to the bank with proper construction permits, get my brother a loan so he can build a building so i can be his boss so he can resent me and probably kill me with a backhoe. have a great morning. are we still hung up on this? "still"? this just happened yesterday. okay, fine, fine, fine. look, you pout all the way to the bank, but remember this-- and that can't be easy. what's the point, ed? point is it takes two people to fight. you don't have to be one of them. i hate it when you and my wife think i'm a better guy than i really am. (under breath) jackie, yes... (clears throat) hello, jackie. who's jackie? look at all of those cute little old ladies looking for little old men. look at her hat. she's fancy. what's going on? oh, just looking for a love match for grandpa. oh, and, guys, just so you know, i set up this couple at my school, and now she's pregnant, so, pretty sure i know what i'm doing. i don't even know why you're here. i think i know how to get a loan for start-up costs. listen, i'm just making sure it's properly licensed and permitted. you really are a nerd, aren't you? ugh. hi, guys. richard clark. hey, richard. good to see you again, mr. baxter. we know each other? i went to school with your daughter kristin. ah. tell her richard says, "hello." (chuckles) why are you laughing at that? i'm thinking he got some. you asked a question. and, uh, you must be james baxter, the loan applicant. that's right. well, james... (sighs) looked over your request, and... i've got to say, i'm a little concerned about your assets. "concerned" how, spanky? imagine we're talking about doughnuts. okay. i wish you had a large box of doughnuts, but instead, you've only got, like, seven doughnuts. yeah. i need more doughnuts. look, my brother just needs seed money for the project. mike, i think i got this. really? doing a good job so far, letting a college sophomore turn you down for a loan. you're, uh... you're turning me down? just, you're a-- you're a little overextended. what happened to all your doughnuts? last couple projects, we built on spec. we haven't unloaded 'em yet. it's not a big deal. is that what this is about? wait, wait, "on spec"? don't lecture me. you're not supposed to use your own doughnuts. i mean, if you have to, use a couple of your doughnuts, then you come to a clown like this for the other doughnuts. (chuckles) what are you laughing about? i'm not. it's just a nervous tic. well, take some medicine. anyway, i-i think you should reapply, you know, after the economy bounces back. yeah. that's great. come on, mike. wait a sec, wait a sec. what if i cosign the loan as an executive of outdoor man? whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. just listen up. well, that would certainly change things. i'm not asking you to do that. i know you're not, but you heard richie rich. you're not getting the loan otherwise. would you do this for another contractor? no. right. forget it. i may not have enough doughnuts, but i still have my pride. no deal. don't be a baby about this. "baby"? hey, i'm not being a baby. i am the one who stayed home with dad... oh, start this... start this-- and kept the family business going while you ran off. "ran off"? yeah. how about college? anyway, anyway... how about getting a career and all that stuff? thanks for coming in, and... tell kristin that i own my own car now. sit down, sport. look at this. we came here for a loan, so don't be a martyr about dad. the only reason you stayed with dad, 'cause it was cheaper and easier to do that. you ran away. when we get out that parking lot, you'll be running away. oh, i'm gonna be running away. unless you want to go here. i would go here, yes. let's do that. let's go here. whoa, whoa, whoa. i'm thinking the parking lot might be better for fighting. there's more room. it's well-lit. there's a little clinic right across the street, in case you get hurt. you're a riot, kid. all right, now i want you to keep an open mind, because love comes in many forms. who are these women? you're gonna pick that one, and then you're gonna ask her out, and then you won't be lonely anymore, and it's all because of me! mandy. full disclosure... yeah. i've got a girlfriend. what? her name is stella, and she's a real spitfire. so you can't go to a senior square dance at nibblers? no, thanks. i'm more of a salsa guy, anyway. (sighs) see you later. where you going? meeting up with a hot grandma for dinner, dancing, and then after that, we're gonna see where the afternoon takes us. yee-haw. hey, dad. i am so glad you're here. me, too. yeah. isn't it great, the way jim and mike are getting along so well? hmm. that's your impression of what's happening around here? you're just trying to show me up, like i can't get a loan on my own. because you can't get the loan on your own! what happened? i didn't get the loan. he could have got the loan if he weren't so stubborn! oh-- just let me cosign for it-- pop, there are a million other projects you and i could be working on without having to deal with all this. what do the hand gestures mean? it means you're not fooling me. you're trying to rub my face in it and make me feel like a loser. or maybe it's a brother trying to help another brother out, who deserves a shot. maybe that's all! all right, all right. stop! i've had enough of you two guys! neither one of you's too big to put over my knee replacement. you know what, pop? i can't deal with this guy. the project is dead. all right? if you need me, i'll be in the rv, opening a can of beans. not the beans! the beans are for when the government takes over! what is going on here? (sighs) you know what? maybe this isn't just about you and jimmy and--and building a store. what do you mean? (sighs) look at what your father did to the paper. hillary's always had a mustache. no, the real estate section. he's circling apartment ads. your father wants to move here. why? "why?" "why?" because the project's here, his family's here. i mean, just put it together. he wants to be near his granddaughters, his great-grandson, you. and for god sake, the van does say "baxter & sons." you figured all that out by these red circles, huh? it's a knack. never let 'em tell you women aren't smart. who said that? it's not important. who? who? i-i-- is it somebody at work? no, it's not-- give me a name. name one person. no, i'm not sa-- one per--name one person. was it the idiots down at the loading dock? forget the loading dock... can't think of anybody? what are you guys doing here? what are you doing here? it's my office. ooh. mike has an office. ed called us here. he's not gonna change my mind, pop. i'd rather build taco stands for the rest of my life than have him cosign a loan and lord it over me. jim, does he lord it over you that he saved your butt from that bully, andy o'connell, in the seventh grade? how do you even remember that kid's name? because mike always-- dad, dad, dad. oh, good. you'll all here. all right. gentlemen... i'm giving the project over to my second choice... trumbull. case closed. trumbull? all right, you idiots. you happy now? (door opens) ed. those guys are gangsters, man. they're gonna gouge you. ed, jim's right. they're thieves. you know that. eh, maybe, but they're thieves with heavy equipment and, uh, an experienced crew, and no infighting. ed, wait. you're gonna let him do this? (whispers) what? what am i supposed to do about it? cosign the loan. anything's better than giving the business to those crooks. i thought you said it made you feel a loser. yeah, but then pop pointed out that your desk doesn't have any drawers, so i feel a little better about myself. it's very stylish. just don't call it a desk. are you all right with this? look, mike, if you're still willing... yeah, i'm good. i'm willing. let's do it. all right. all right. baxter &... sons. yeah. this is a great day. what happens next? i drive us to the bank. we'll use my car. you kind of drive like miss daisy. well, actually, miss daisy didn't drive the car. that was the point of the movie, you moron. (mike and jim speak at once) i'll drive. whoa, hey, you-- mike is a fine driver. no, you go ahead. would you drive? no problem. i'm super confident. you just sit, dad. kind of slow, but we'll get there. not driving a tractor. we could even take his old truck. i'll tell you what, i'd rather take-- you're such a-- you know what? you would rather take my old truck than ride around-- say "hi" to my brother jim? yeah. listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. it's an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. listerine® total care. one bottle, six benefits. power to your mouth™. because it knew an ordinary wastissue was near.ar. the fiery tissue left her nose sore and red. so dad slayed the problem with puffs plus lotion, instead. puffs have pillowy softness for dakota's tender nose. with lotion to comfort and soothe when she blows. don't get burned by ordinary tissues. a nose in need deserves puffs, indeed. now get puffs plus lotion in the squeezable softpack. stay tuned. is sponsored in part by... hethat's it. night, i need to kick acid with rolaids® advanced. it goes to work instantly on your worst heartburn, bloating, and gas. that's better. kick acid and gas with rolaids® advanced. yeah, jim baxter here for outdoor man, letting you know that we're, uh, locked and loaded for our big sale on over-under shotguns. come on, brother, brother, come on, lookit. (keyboard keys clack) lookit. "locked and loaded." punch the words. "locked"-- "locked and loaded." i can think of something i'd like to punch, honestly. is this like andy o'connell? if i hadn't yanked the kid off you, he would have kicked your ass. instead, i kicked his ass... hey. and you look far better-- you know what? it's time to go. oh, let's do it. come on. (both grunting) (thud) hoo. still is big brother around here. (sighs) (grunting) (sighs) hey... (sighs) mike baxter here for outdoor man. we are locked and loaded for our new--look who's up. hey, remember me? (thud) (both grunting) aah! (mike) let go of that! (crash) (thud) aah! (crunching) ohh. (blues music playing on tv) oh, this family spends too much time watching tv and not enough time talking. honey, you're talking right now. mike. besides, this is educational. oh, come on. how is that educational? i'm teaching eve here how not to be a gator-huntin' hillbilly. ohh. well, boyd's down. ooh. did they catch that big gator yet? no, but the toothless guy fell in the water trying to save his jug. (chuckles) speaking of jugs, look at the grandma. (chuckles) that's--that's enough. come on. that's enough of this. come on. all right. i'll turn it off. we'll talk. let's go. (turns off tv) great. so, kristin, are you excited, college girl? mom, i'm taking one class. it's hardly college. she's right. it's not college till you take six classes and only show up for one. (mouths words) i am really excited, though, because they say that students who spend time in the real world do better in college. why? you know, because their life experience helps them. why? i don't know, eve. i can't explain it. well, then maybe it hasn't helped you. mom! all right, honey, relax. (cup clatters) it's gonna be great. look, college transformed me. i was a nerd in high school, and then i went to ohio state, and i totally blossomed. right, into the coolest girl in the geology lab. (mouths words) (doorbell ringing) (mouths words) whoa. showtime. hey, you can run, but you can't hide! (panting) was that the ding dong ditcher? i don't know what that is. this is the guy that's ringing the doorbell and running away. did you i.d. the perp? no, but my motion-activated video camera did. all the information's right here on this little s.d. card. oh, i hope you put that camera up... (door closes) after i came home, because my hair was in a bun and my makeup was running. why was your makeup running? i just--i was crying my eyes out in the car. god, that adele-- she cannot keep a man. right there. here he is. ringing the doorbell. turn around. it's just a person in a red hoodie. is he also carrying a basket of goodies and knocking on grandma's door? (chuckles) (chuckles) wow. look who remembered a book. (sighs) i'm, uh, gonna get something from the kitchen. i'm gonna go reload the video camera. (lowered voice) ben? ben? (cat meows) (whispers) hey. (chuckles) hey. what are you doing here? i had to talk to you. (sighs) why didn't you just call? i wanted to see you. oh. (chuckles) so... what did you need to say? that i can't wait to see you tomorrow. (chuckles) me, too. (chuckles) (chuckles) okay. (chuckles) okay. all right. bye. bye. all right, now make sure my bear is nice and clean. (sighs) yes, sir. (sighs) mr. alzate, this ladder feels a little unsteady. (sighs) i know. you wanna know why? because it's poorly made. please don't let go. i wouldn't dream of it. watch it now. easy. easy. (whirring) there you go. (yawns) hey, mike. what's the matter? you look a little sleepy. i haven't been sleeping well. there's a kid prankin' my house. oh. ouch. oh. (inhales deeply) well, i have to admit, i like a good prank, though. i love it. yeah. ohh. i remember in vietnam we used to play some dumb jokes... (sighs) mm. i'll tell ya, like once, i opened my mess kit, and inside was a face. but be creative with the prank, you know, like, um, leave a flaming bag of dog poop on a porch or, uh... that's--that's good. (chuckles) or a flaming box of dog poop... mm. or put a flaming dog in a box of poop. yeah. well, i gotta give that kid a taste of his own medicine somehow. all right. well, i-i like-- i like where you're heading with this. all right. okay. how about... bear trap? you know, i don't think i want the kid on the front lawn screaming, trying to chew his leg off. wait a second. wait a second. mm? you know how loud these things are? oh, an air horn. that's right. what if i could wire this up so when he rings my bell, he gets a little bit of his own medicine? (blows) ohh! ohh! (thud) (panting) i'm okay. don't worry. we're not. what you want to do is take a string like this... and as such, organic compounds are classified according to functional groups, such as carboxylic acids... (door creaks) yes? hi. uh, is this organic chemistry? yes. in fact, it has been for the past ten minutes. i'm, uh... hi. sorry. i'm really sorry i'm late. um, my--my sister mandy drove me halfway, and then i got out and ran because it was faster and much safer. (clatters) and now it's 11 minutes. okay, now this next part will be on the test-- our good friends aliphatic hydrocarbons. who can tell me the three groups that these hydrocarbons are divided into? what about you? hmm? what? uh, i-i'm, uh... i'm sorry. can you repeat the question? what about you? oh. honey, what are you doing sitting down here in the dark? (switch clicks) (lowered voice) cut the light out! cut the light out! (switch clicks) kid's running late. he must have changed his pattern. honey, you've--you've been down here over an hour. i've waited in duck blinds a lot longer than this, and it would've been worth it if you hadn't burnt the duck. oh, stop. (whispering) shh, shh. (whispering) what? i hear him. listen. where? all right. (doorbell ringing) (air horn blows) aah! come on. all right. all right. call the police. oh, come on, honey. what? don't you think that's excessive? yeah, you're probably right. let's put him in the cage in the basement. no, just-- who are you? what's your name? if i tell you, will you let me go? yes. all right. it's ben milbauer. i lied. to the cage in the basement. come on! honey, honey, wait. but wh-why are you doing this? i don't know. you don't know why you're ringing our doorbell? mom, dad, what are you doing? we're not doing anything. we caught little red running hood. we--we just want to-- we want to talk to him. just come here. come here. come sit down. (sighs) look, ben, i-i mean, i just--are-- do you think you're being funny? (sighs) uh, what--what would your mother think? you know what? (mike) yeah. i tell you what she'd think. she'd say you were being rude. i mean, i just--i don't know any other word for it. right. it's just rude and--and, uh, and inconsiderate and, uh, and thoughtless. uh... uh, it's ill-mannered. boorish. it's just boorish to me. i-i can't even-- not to mention annoying. that cage is starting to sound like a good idea right now. wait. wait, wait, wait. what if he promises never to do it again? do you know him? (chuckles) no. of course not. no, no, no. look, i-i promise, okay? (chuckles) look, i promise it'll never happen again. please. he does look scared. honey, maybe we should let him go. this is why i don't go fishing with you. all right. catch and release. let's go. come on. but you don't come back here! you come back here, next time you know what i'll do? i'll twist your head off like a hungry chimp with a spider monkey! whack! they do that. when you ache and haven't you're not you. tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol®. kisses deluxe chocolates. with a whole roasted hazelnut, delicate crisps and layers of rich, creamy chocolate, they're twice the size of the kisses chocolates you love. say more with kisses deluxe. (doorbell rings) (sighs) hi. frank milbauer, ben's dad. oh, hey. mike baxter. come on in. that's my wife vanessa. hi. hi. (chuckles) hi. listen, uh, your son came by and apologized, so we're all good. no need for you to apologize. however, if there was a 6-pack of, uh, pale ale on the doorstep, i wouldn't throw it away. how does it feel to bully a 13-year-old boy? (sighs) i don't think we're getting that pale ale. you scared the hell out of my son. well, he was trespassing, uh, frank. yeah, well, he was playing a harmless prank, and you became rambo. well, you shouldn't pull a prank on rambo. (chuckles) (chuckles) uh, what--what my husband is trying to say is your son was on our property. and while he was on your property, he sprained his wrist... (gasps) and we had to get an x-ray for it, and it cost us $300. wow. yeah, we're-- we're very sorry about that. we're sorry about that. (sighs) yeah. i want you to pay for the hospital bill. not that sorry. (inhales deeply) yeah. fine. i'll see you in court. oh, come on, frank. oh, come on. listen, look-- my husband will kick your ass first! there you are. i've been waiting for, like, 20 minutes, and i texted you a lot of frowny faces. i know. i know. i'm sorry. i'm just looking over my quiz score. (chuckles) so this is college, huh? (chuckles) it's sort of exactly like high school, but the girls have let themselves go. (sighs) mandy, i'm a disaster. oh, you haven't gained any weight. nope. all right. come on. you ready? let's go. no. look. look at my score. he gave you a "go." that's a 60. (voice breaking) that's the lowest score i've ever gotten in my entire life. (giggles) show-off. no, back in high school, i was that annoying girl who had all of the answers, and now i'm that clueless girl who puts her head down and prays that she doesn't get called on. kristin, i have a really good trick for that, okay? say you have bad cramps. no teacher wants to touch that. i think i'm gonna quit. no. come on. why? (grunts) because i've been out of the game for three years, and everyone is smarter and faster than me. look, i'm not the world's greatest student... did somebody accuse you of that? but there's a lot more to me than just school, like how i can look at what someone's wearing and tell you why it does or doesn't work or how i make old people smile. mandy, i know you're trying to help, but i want to be a doctor. yeah, and you know what doctors do? they listen and they're compassionate, and you're like that every single day with boyd. yeah, well, that's very sweet, but boyd is not gonna help me pass organic chemistry. oh, please! ohh! you're such a nerd. seriously, you're gonna catch up and pass everybody. just thinking about it makes me sick. (lowered voice) thank you. now let's go. come on. ugh. okay. where'd you park? oh, right out front. left the car with the vale no, mandy. there is no valet. there's no valet! run! hey, fellas. good-lookin' fin. mike baxter here for outdoor man. today i want to talk about accountability and a fishhook. what do i mean? most people look at a fishhook and they go, "oh, i'll put a little fishin' line on there and go fishin'," but it must be confusing to some other people, 'cause they put a warning label on a bag of fishhooks-- "do not swallow." really? you gotta be told not to swallow these things? that's a warning? that's the warning for these things. they should read that. what kind of person swallows one of these? and mistakes it for what, a garnish? instead of going to the emergency room, tail between your legs... "sorry, i got into the cookin' sherry, and i thought it was a cherry tomato." no! you morons won't take responsibility. you want to sue the manufacturer of the fishhook?! take some responsibility. you do something stupid, it's your fault. and you know what? if you're that kind of guy that can't figure out whether you should eat this or hook with it, don't come to outdoor man, 'cause we got all sorts of stuff we don't want you putting in your mouth around here. the rest of you, stop down. we're having a big sale on shotguns. great job, mr. b. yeah, thanks. i didn't know you could sue over little things like that. it's a litigious society, kyle. you sue over anything-- slippin' on the sidewalk, fallin' off a ladder. i fell off a ladder. okay. that's just about enough of that subject. (chuckles) how about that madonna? cashe sing or what, huh? it was probably my fault, though. doesn't matter in today's world whose fault it is, right, ed? (sighs) uh, listen, mike, we're talking about madonna here, all right? have--have you seen her arms? looks like the world's strongest bird. (rock music playing) hey, you know, you're right. the live version is totally better. yeah. (door closes in distance) did you just hear the door shut? what? (footsteps approach) (music stops) she said, "did you just hear the door shut?" ♪music the lord says, "come to me all you who are weary and find life burdensome, and i will give you rest." join us for the majesty of the catholic mass here sunday mornings at 8:30. for more information visit mysundaymass.org this would be a great time for an explanation. you're home early. that's not an explanation. you remember ben. (chuckles) hey. yeah. yeah, i-i'd shake your hand, but i sprained my wrist. yeah. might be a good time for you to go home. yes, sir. (whispers) bye. why did you lie to me? how did i lie? you said you didn't know him. i... forgot? (crash) (ben) and there goes the other wrist! ohh! (sighs) i don't know why you have to get so mad, dad. we didn't do anything. i'm not mad about that. i'm glad you didn't do anything, but you know that kid. you lied to me. i-i'm sorry, okay? no, it's not okay. you stood in this house, and you said you didn't know him. why did you lie to me? i don't know. does nobody your age know why they do anything? you're not gonna like my answer. (chuckles) try me. i don't know. yeah, well, that's too bad. so what's my punishment? (dull voice) i don't know. that's it? what am i gonna do so i can feel the same way about you as i did before i came in this house? you wanted to see me, sir? oh, please, please. you call me "sir," i look around for my father. (chuckles) my name is edward, but you can call me "ed." but i've never called you "ed." (chuckles) go on. have a seat. have a seat. no, have my seat. there you go. oh, this is nice. yeah. huh? you like it, huh? have a cigar. come on. come on, huh? have that. there you go. all right. thank you. okay. (clears throat) kyle, here at outdoor man, we take care of our own, which is why i'm offering you three nights at the mile high inn. it's right near the airport. huh? i do like to watch the planes take off. i know that, and you can enjoy the communal hot tub there, right? and a wide range of free cable television. vibrating mattress. wow. thanks... ed. (chuckles) uh, but before you go, i need you to sign this form. what is it? oh, it's nothing. just sign. should i read it? i wouldn't. mr. alzate, are you worried that i'm gonna sue you? (coughs) well... i would never do that, sir. (pen clicks) i think of you like family... (scribbles) (pen clicks, paper rustles) like a father. (sighs) kyle. (sighs) i'm feeling something i don't often feel... (door closes) shame. here. here. enjoy the motel. go and have some fun. go. that's not necessary. please. i insist, and take my chair, too. go ahead. you're giving me your chair? oh, no. h-here. here. (keys jangling) here are the keys. go on. you're giving me your car? in the trunk, there's a set of golf clubs. you can use those. go ahead. i don't golf. (sighs) i'll teach you, son. hey. you wanted to see me? yeah. um, come on in. sit down, okay, eve? (sighs) listen, i'm just gonna ask you one more time why you lied to me, and "i don't know"-- that's not an answer. because ben was the ding dong ditcher, and you would have hated him. wow. well, you're probably right, too... that was just his signal that he wanted to see me. why didn't he just throw pebbles against your window? uh, he doesn't have the arm. (sighs) that kid is a disappointment on many levels. then i didn't come clean because... i know i'm your favorite. i-i wanted to be the person you thought i was. i have three girls. i... (loudly) i don't have any favorites. (lowered voice) you're still my favorite. are we okay? there's still a punishment involved, though. what? i want you to pay for his hospital bill. that's $300, and he got hurt because of your air horn. all right. we'll go halves, counselor. is that fair? that sounds fair. it is... 'cause you're my favorite. and you know what? you want to play a prank on somebody, ask the master, you know? we'll get a paper bag and some matches, take the dog, but first we feed him something real greasy. chomp, chomp. (makes tooting and whooshing sounds) listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. it's an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. listerine® total care. one bottle, six benefits. power to your mouth™. because it knew an ordinary wastissue was near.ar. the fiery tissue left her nose sore and red. so dad slayed the problem with puffs plus lotion, instead. puffs have pillowy softness for dakota's tender nose. with lotion to comfort and soothe when she blows. don't get burned by ordinary tissues. a nose in need deserves puffs, indeed. now get puffs plus lotion in the squeezable softpack. stay tuned. nal consideration for "last man standing" is sponsored in part by... hethat's it. night, i need to kick acid with rolaids® advanced. it goes to work instantly on your worst heartburn, bloating, and gas. that's better. kick acid and gas with rolaids® advanced. so did you, uh, have a pleasant day at school, ben? (tv playing indistinctly) i did, eve. thank you. i had math... which i enjoy. (sighs) i... i haa group oboe lesson. did you? yeah, i did. (clatters) ah. hey, ben, uh, are you enjoying your date? not a bit, sir. narrator: this program contains material that may be disturbing to some audice members. viewer discretion is advised. today, a prominent couple enjoying wedded bliss and a thring dental practice, but what starts sweet goes terribly rotten. [tires screeching] clemente: this is a scorned woman with the fury of hell. narrator: it's the case of a twisted love triangle, a murderous mercedes-benz, and the surprise confrontation that hits a dead end.

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