penn & teller, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 714! anaheim! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow! [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love right there. thank you very much. thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome to "the tonight show", everybody. this is it. [ cheers and applause ] you're here at "the tonight show"! i'm so -- we have a great crowd. good show tonight. here's what everyone's talking about. it's still this -- it's this crazy interview that trump's communications director anthony scaramucci gave to "the new yorker." i guess he called the reporter to lash out. that's what you do when you feel like lashing out, you call a reporter -- >> steve: call "the new yorker." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. and he -- he wanted to talk about reince priebus and steve bannon. he forgot to ask that the conversation be off the record. [ light laughter ] so they just printed what he said. [ laughter ] but on the bright side, it looks like he just found his first white house leaker. >> steve: yeah! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: he was the one doing it! and get this, now it's reported that in private, anthony scaramucci has called reince priebus, "reince penis." [ laughter ] which still somehow sounds less dirty than reince priebus. doesn't it a little bit? [ laughter and applause ] i don't know if -- i don't know what a priebus is. listen to this guys. i read that trump's administration is going to start cracking down on marijuana users and will be linking weed to violent crime. [ audience boo ] trump isn't messing around. today he announced plans to build a wall around colorado. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wall. >> jimmy: not messing around. wall. the other day trump bragged about winning the election to a a group of children. [ light laughter ] marking the second time he's done that this week. [ laughter and applause ] the boy scouts, now this. trump is actually doing a lot to appeal to kids lately. he even released his very own album of children songs. take a look -- listen to this. >> the makers of "kidz bop" are proud to introduce their newest album, "prez bop." all your favorite children songs, sung by president trump. including classics like "the hokey pokey." ♪ you put your right hand in you put your right hand out and your hand is like so big it barely even fits ♪ [ laughter ] >> and "the yellow polka-dot bikini." ♪ she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot covfefe ♪ [ laughter ] >> "prez bop." >> available now for $19.95. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yellow polka dot covfefe. >> steve: covfefe. >> jimmy: here's some -- here's some good news. i just heard that walmart just announced a plan to credit 1.5 million news jobs in the u.s. [ cheers and applause ] the jobs will be to steal people's amazon packages off their front steps so they start shopping at walmart again. that's -- [ applause ] did you hear about this? researchers at mit are working on a computer system that -- that can look at a picture of food, then instantly tell you the recipe. [ audience oh ] that's kind of cool. it actually works pretty well, we got a little test over at the show. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: so yeah -- so like for example, if you take a a photo of a chipotle burrito -- >> steve: uh-huh. >> jimmy: it says, "place grilled steak, rice, salsa and cheese in tortilla. and then garnish with norovirus." >> steve: wow! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: they know how to do it. >> steve: they know how to do it. >> jimmy: straight from the photo. next up, if you take a photo of a starbucks ham egg and cheese sandwich, it says, "place ham egg and cheese on an english muffin. and then let it age for 6-9 months in a refrigerated display case." >> steve: wow. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: not ready yet. almost there, patience. next up, if you go to a 7-11, you take a photo of the 44 ounce cotton candy slurpee. it says, "place three cups of ice, corn syrup and cotton candy in a blender. then mix for sixty seconds. then look in a mirror so you can see what rock bottom looks like." [ laughter and applause ] 44 ounces. >> steve: that's all. >> jimmy: 44. 44 ounce -- ounces of slurpee. >> steve: yeah, yeah, like a a third of a gallon. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and -- you don't want it to melt. you have to drink it pretty fast. >> steve: no, you have to drink the whole thing fast. >> jimmy: because it's ice. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: you got to slurp it down. >> steve: you gotta chug it down -- >> jimmy: 44 ounces. >> steve: and you go straight for a shot of insulin. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: finally, if you take a photo of a trump steak, it says, "remove from packaging, then pan fry for thirty minutes until charred through. then, smother in ketchup and russian dressing, but never mention the russian dressing." [ laughter and applause ] that's straight -- straight from the photo. >> steve: it's from the photo. [ applause ] russia. >> jimmy: hey, listen to this. i read about a wildlife center in oregon that will let you have a sleepover with some sloths for $1,000. [ cheers ] yeah, gets awkward though in the morning when the sloth goes, "just leave the money on the dresser." [ laughter and applause ] "it's a living." and finally, this is pretty funny. a man in the u.k. was live streaming a video game he was playing when he was startled by something else. but take a look, watch. [ scream ] >> are you okay? >> oh -- [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i think after that, he might need to be changed. we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: aw, thank you very much for that. we have a fantastic show tonight. >> steve: this is the show! >> jimmy: i really love -- i love all the guests. they're all funny. they're all interesting. they're all great. we love this guy. the one and only, david spade is on the show tonight. >> steve: come on! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: doesn't get better. >> steve: funny dude, funny dude. >> jimmy: he's so funny -- i just love -- we ran into him when we were out in l.a., i forget when that was. but we ran into him at that party and i just followed him around the party, because he was so funny. he was like on fire that night. and i just followed him around. i was like, "hey, what's up, david?" and he's like, "yeah, i just talked to you." like please like -- i kept following him around. it was like -- i love the guy so much. plus, from viceland's "desus & mero", desus & mero are on the show tonight! >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: desus & mero! they're great. really funny. and then -- we just love these guys so much. i love magic, i love -- everything they do. they also have great senses of humor. penn just put out this book, "presto", here. it's now on paperback here -- how he lost 100 pounds. but they're always thinking of something new, or a new way to do something that no one has ever done. it's always something different and it's visual, it's a a spectacle. i love them. they always just -- they bring the goods. penn & teller are dropping by tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: they're performing a a magic trick later in the show that you do not want to miss. it's good. guys, sometimes it feels like there's nothing but bad news out there. well, we here at "the tonight show" have decided to do something about that. so we asked real, local nbc news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true. stories that make us feel happy. i'll show you what i mean in tonight's installment of "i've got good news and good news." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i've got good news got good news i've got good news, yeah ♪ >> in politics, congress is going on recess next week. and yes, i do mean that kind of recess. nancy pelosi and marco rubio called dibs on the tether ball court. >> it has just been announced that the dow jones industrial average, fast food chain chik-fil-a, and rapper bow wow are all teaming up to form "the dow chick-a bow wow." [ laughter ] >> a new study finds that it's totally cool, bro. no worries, 'cause it's all good. we cool, we cool. we good, baby. all good. all good. >> temperatures are reaching an all-time high this week and forecasters confirm it's because you lookin' real hot. yowza! [ cheers ] >> this just in: my voice sounds like this now. >> you know how you make plans with your friend, but now you don't really feel like going out? and if you cancel again, you'll seem like a total flake? well, get this, your friend just cancelled. isn't that the best? [ scattered cheers ] >> this. >> just. >> in. >> what. >> we're. >> doing. >> is. >> cool. >> tonight's winning powerball numbers -- whatever your ticket says. [ cheers and applause ] and the powerball, four. >> and finally tonight -- knock, knock. who's there? boo. boo-who? why're you crying, it's only a a joke! but you know what's not a joke? my respect for you. it goes on forever. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: doesn't that make you feel better? isn't that great? that's such a good delivery. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: we'll be right back with some "thank you" notes after the break. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the rock: hey siri, read my schedule. [siri tone] [crash] [tires squeal] ♪ rock. [siri tone] merci, gimme some. ♪ hey siri, take a selfie. [siri tone] ♪ [siri tone] ♪ ♪ [crunch] ♪ yeah! ♪ [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] [laughs] ♪ you have a side that is retired ♪ ♪ playing tag and gettin' tired. ♪ ♪ you have a side that saves for their tuition. ♪ ♪ but right now it looks like bedtime is the mission. ♪ ♪ a side that owns your own store. ♪ ♪ looks like you need to expand some more. ♪ ♪ that's why there's nationwide. ♪ ♪ they help protect and grow your many sides. ♪ ♪ nationwide is on your side. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] p >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. now, today -- today is friday. and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, i write out some thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i was just -- i was just running a bit behind so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers and applause ] p you guys are my best friends. you guys are my best friends. hey, james, how are you doing, man? james, can i get some -- [ light laughter ] you got any big plans for the weekend? [ light laughter ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ [ light laughter ] >> steve: mr. trousseau called. >> jimmy: yeah. he's really in such a good mood, huh? [ laughter ] thank you, mel from "the emoji movie" for looking like donald trump after someone takes away his iphone. [ laughter and applause ] covfefe. what a bunch of covfefe, which guy just -- [ laughter ] what a bunch of covfefe. let me please help you with covfefe. [ laughter ] i want to -- [ laughter ] come be before -- muffin. i want a break. sounds like you're special. [ laughter ] [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] >> steve: i'm the president of your country. [ laughter ] what? what is going on. >> jimmy: what is going on? this is gorgeous. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you new white house communications director anthony scaramucci for letting us know what it would look like if a ken doll grew up on the jersey shore. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ooh. hey. hey, oh. i've forgotten about it. [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, imagine that. >> steve: woah! [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, wearing apple air pods, for it making it look like someone put their marlboro light out in my ear. [ laughter and applause ] so ugly looking. they're so ugly looking. they work. >> steve: they work great, i hear. >> jimmy: they're great headphones. don't get me wrong. >> steve: i might as well just throw mine away if i buy them, though. >> jimmy: why? >> steve: because i'll lose them instantly. >> jimmy: you don't though. you end up not losing. >> steve: i lost that apple pencil about 1,000 times. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i lost that, too, yeah. i had that for a little bit. >> steve: i went, "oh, where's my thermometer." you know? [ laughter and applause ] instead i found it later. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, squirrels, for always looking like someone's going through your browser history. [ laughter and applause ] i got attacked by a squirrel once. [ light laughter ] >> steve: did you really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: that's nuts. >> jimmy: well, maybe it had like ra -- [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, styrofoam coolers for keeping my food cold for 30 minutes and then turning into a a kiddie pool for sandwiches. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, getting a text that says bahahahah. [ light laughter ] for making it feel like i'm friends with a sheep who learned how to use a phone. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you adirondack chairs for making the process of getting up feel like i'm doing cross fits. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: a little help. a little help. a little help here. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, swimming nose clips, for making everyone in the pool look like lord voldemort. [ laughter ] there you guys have it right there. those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with david spade! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ all 10 seasons in one sitting. that was amazing. the ceiling is all spider webs. we missed grandpa's 99th birthday. i'm actively trying to stand up right now. and his funeral. oh i have a beard. oh! a chip. 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(gasps) (oh!) ♪ ♪ (cheering) don't worry. it's the new moto z with shattershield. discover card. hey. what can you tell me about your new social security alerts? oh! we'll alert you if we find your social security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so you'll be in the know. ooh. sushi. ugh. being in the know is a good thing. sign up online for free. discover social security alerts. our bodies grow babies... ...we run marathons... ...companies... ...solve problems. how? we eat. we eat almonds... ...strawberries... ...quinoa. and yeah...we eat chocolate. ♪ we eat in sweatpants... ...in skirts. we eat alone... ...and together. women are strong. we eat, and we own it. special k. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a very funny comedian who will be performing at the mirage hotel in las vegas august 4th and 5th. you can also see him september 17th at the kaboo music festival -- i love that. [ light laughter ] in delmar, california, september 17th. [ cheers ] you know where i'm going to be. >> steve: kaboo. >> jimmy: please welcome our good friend, the always-entertaining, the always-funny, david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> yeah! >> jimmy: that is the one and only david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> nice. >> jimmy: good to see you, buddy. >> looking good, man. >> jimmy: thank you for coming back on the show. i want to have you on all the time if i can. and i'm sorry about chasing you around that party. [ light laughter ] >> oh, yeah. yeah, i remember that. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i'm sorry. >> yeah, no, no. i love hanging out with you. you're like the funnest guy at any party. we have a great time when we hang out. >> jimmy: i love it. i just -- i know. i just -- i don't know. you just -- you always make me laugh. i -- [ laughter ] and it just happened it was a a couple days after you got in a car accident. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: so -- but you were making it funny. >> yeah, yeah. you know, i really make light of my tragedies in my life. [ light laughter ] it's pretty fun. i actually -- when i flew here -- well, not a tragedy, but -- >> jimmy: right, but you flew first class i'm assuming. >> i did. i was on jet blue. thank you. [ laughter ] i know. and it's fine, you gotta deal with them. but i flew first class. but jet blue -- let me tell you. [ laughter ] higgins, listen. i -- they have -- here's the first class, how it's laid out. they have two seats and then one seat. do you know this? and then two. so it's like a little apartment. it's one seat. and with that little two foot door. so i really milk it out. you know it, i milk that first class. [ light laughter ] yeah. yeah, i -- [ laughter ] i give some to the kitties. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: give some to the kitties. >> it's milk. >> jimmy: i know. give some to kitties. >> i get in there, and then i really put her through the ringer. like, when the flight attendant comes by, i make her knock. she's like -- [ knocking ] i go, "yes? [ light laughter ] who's there?" and she goes, "the lady, flight attendant." i go, "i'm not seeing anyone right now." [ laughter ] "i got your peanuts." i go, "oh, come in." and then she comes in. >> jimmy: like a little old lady? >> yeah. then she goes like this and i go, "ah!" and she goes, "ah," wipes her feet. [ laughter ] and then i go, "do you have sky mall by any chance?" she goes, "oh, they don't even do that anymore." i go, "could you try to scare one up for me?" [ laughter ] and then she shuffles off. and then when i get up to leave i close my little door, and then i go, "hmm." i lock it. because i was robbed recently. >> jimmy: no, this is true. >> yeah, so i have to lock my little -- >> jimmy: what an interesting life this is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what happened? >> more tragic than interesting, but yeah. i got robbed recently, and -- >> woo! >> right after -- >> jimmy: no! no, that's not -- >> hey! >> jimmy: no, don't woo that. you go, "oh, is everything okay?" >> it was a drag. no, i -- >> jimmy: what happened? >> i went -- first of all -- here's what happened, real quick. i know i got other stuff to talk about, but i live -- where i was, when i came home one day, my blinds were up. and it's not normal that my blinds are up. because they're really tough to pull up. they're like, old ones and i can't do it. [ light laughter ] so they were up halfway, and i was like, "hmm, curious." but i go, "no one did that?" and they go, "no." so when i went to bed at midnight, i have a shotgun by my safe in the back of my bathroom and closet. so i go, "i'm just going to bring the shotgun closer to me when i sleep." because i was a little uneasy. you know when you think someone's been in your house? i don't know what's going on. i go to grab it, safe's gone. gone. >> jimmy: wait, the safe is gone? >> i freaked out. i was like -- you get, like, the chills. i go, "oh, my god. someone's in my house. someone's been in my house. the whole thing's gone." you know? and so, i didn't know what to do. >> jimmy: that's a violation. >> but i didn't call the cops. >> jimmy: you didn't? >> no, because i'm tough. so i waited. [ laughter ] plus, i had a gun. like, how much can happen? it's already over. that's what i kept telling myself -- it's already over. they're not coming back. so i don't know if they're in my house or whatever. so i wait until morning, the cops come over and then they -- the weird thing is, i have had a lot of workers in my house, because i -- upstairs in my bedroom i have two bathrooms, because it's a a mansion. [ laughter ] no, it's not. jimmy! [ applause ] it's -- that's what everyone says. those aren't my words. jimmy, i don't know. 77 bedrooms, 55 windows, i don't know what they call it. i don't know what they say. so in the old days -- it was built in the 70s. i'm like zsa zsa gabor. it's got two bathrooms, which is actually nice, but they're old, so i'm getting them redone. so i get the one redone, there's a lot of people in there. so i go, "hmm, maybe one of them." the cops come over and then they grill me with all the questions. "was the safe closed?" "i think. why would they carry it out?" [ laughter ] if it's open scrape out the garbage and scram, you know? >> jimmy: they're not stealing to steal a safe. >> so then he goes, "do you have any friends that are down on their luck or low on cash?" i go, "oh, do you want me to forward you my contact list?" [ laughter ] it's literally my whole clownterage. [ light laughter ] he goes, "do you know any sketchy chicks?" i'm like, "does craigslist count? i don't know." [ laughter ] so he goes -- now i know they're running out of ideas. he goes, "do you think it's karma?" [ light laughter ] what -- and he goes, "because you know, if you do something bad it comes back. maybe we should stay out of this one." i go, "no, you should stay in it." >> jimmy: what? >> let's crack the case. i think you're sort of dodging it. you might be new. [ light laughter ] and then the last thing i said -- "it's a pretty heavy safe. what if they can't even open it? that'd be great." and he goes, "no, that kind of safe, you push it off a one story, it'll pop right open." i go, "oh, i didn't know it was a pinata." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got a pinata? >> that wasn't in the sales pitch, yeah. "oh, you crack an egg on it wrong, it pops open like a jack in the box." >> jimmy: crack an egg on your safe. >> thank god i still -- this watch, 50 grand. and it's fake! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why would you pay $50,000 for a fake -- >> moron! oh, wait a second. yeah, you're right. >> jimmy: i want to -- dude, are you hanging out on the east coast more? >> i'm out -- oh, i went to your precious hamptons this weekend. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] guess who was out there? king lear. [ laughter ] i went to see stern. i have an 8-year-old daughter and howard stern's wife adopts cats and has like -- >> jimmy: oh, i love cats. >> is very good with cats and helps them. so she has them out there, and i brought my daughter out there. and so they go -- they want me out there early, because you know howard. he gets up early. so i was like, "oh, really?" and it's three hours, i didn't know how far it was. so they go, "are you taking a a helicopter?" i go, "yes." but i wasn't. >> jimmy: of course not, yeah. >> because i'm not like that. i usually take the space shuttle out there. [ laughter ] but -- so i took a helicopter. and it was one of these rickety old ones from "m.a.s.h." [ laughter ] i've never -- >> jimmy: it's not from "m.a.s.h."! >> you know the show. so i'm nervous already. and then they -- they line us up and the guy goes, "all right, how much do you weigh?" i go, "i don't know, like 145?" he goes, "more like 144, 146." i go, "i'm not going. that can't matter." [ laughter ] don't say that. and he goes, "no, the heaviest person has to sit right behind me for balance." and then there's a sot of heavy guy next to me. so everyone's just darting their eyes like -- [ laughter ] he finally goes, "that'd be you, sir." and so he goes -- fat shamer. so then he gets on. and then the pilot's like this -- it's an old jalopy. heh neh neh neh neh! [ laughter ] heh neh neh! "she's got one left in her." [ laughter ] i go, "oh, thank god." we get about 10 feet in the air and i hear beep! and he goes -- [ laughter ] i go, "i don't know, is the [ bleep ] trunk open?" [ laughter ] what's going on? put 'er down? [ cheers and applause ] so we do it again. and he goes, "that was weird when we almost all died." so i go -- >> jimmy: that was weird. >> he goes, "let's try it again." try it again, ten feet up, beep! he goes -- i go, "did you fix it?" he goes, "i fixed the noise." i go -- [ laughter ] it's not the same thing. he goes, "i say we go for it." i go, "sure." [ laughter ] so then the propellers are like this, and there's sun coming in, and it's like a strobe light. i feel like i'm in a club. "how does it feel, tell me how does it feel?" fat guy! ♪ i see a ship in the harbor how does it feel ♪ yeah. anyway, we made it. >> jimmy: oh, god. and that's why he's here today. [ cheers and applause ] you have to come back to the hamptons. come over to king lear's house. i'll take care of you. >> i wanted to see you and howard goes, "he doesn't love visitors. and he's mean and he's a bad person." in fairness he said, "don't repeat this." [ laughter ] but i want to take a canoe over and see you sometime. so let's do it. >> jimmy: let's do it. >> are you close to him out there? >> jimmy: yeah, i'm close to howard, yeah. >> oh, you don't have to give an exact locale. we get it, guy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: david, really, i want -- and i'm going to go see you at kaboo. >> kaboo! >> jimmy: david spade. [ cheers and applause ] go see him perform standup august 4th and 5th at the mirage hotel in las vegas. and kaboo september 17th. david spade. we'll be back, everybody. more "tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this golden opportunity features steel, titanium and carbon fiber. raw elements made exhilarating by lexus. ♪ experience uncompromising performance at the lexus golden opportunity sales event before it ends. choose from the is turbo es 350 or nx turbo for $299 a month for 36 months if you lease now. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ball park franks got their right here in the ballpark. they soon became a summer tradition, passed from one generation to the next. with the taste of 100% angus beef, ball park franks bring on summer. what's going on here? um... i'm babysitting. that'll be $50 bucks. you said $30. yeah, well it was $30 before my fees, like the pizza-ordering fee and the dog-sitting fee... and the rummage through your closet fee. are those my heels? yeah! yeah, we're the same size...in shoes. with t-mobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just $40 bucks each. for a limited time save 300 dollars on the amazing iphone 7. ♪ you never know what'll inspire you. ♪ the rhythm of the waves. the language, the laughter. or the noise in the night. ♪ i take it all with me, and give it all back. experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. ♪ but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. you know what i could go for right hmmm some sweet barbeque. ...or spicy! crave van! here, try my new barbeque bacon cheeseburger and chicken sandwich with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce. you crave it, we serve it. crave van! you know what i could go for right hmmm some sweet barbeque. ...or spicy! crave van! here, try my new barbeque bacon cheeseburger and chicken sandwich with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce. you crave it, we serve it. crave van! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests are the hosts of the hit show "desus and mero" airing week nights at 11:00 p.m. on viceland. you guys have to check it out if you haven't seen it. it is super funny. everyone please welcome desus and mero. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm so happy to meet you guys. i'm so happy to meet you guys. >> my roots out there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> legendary roots crew. >> good, how are you by the way? >> jimmy: this the legendary roots crew. i know. >> unbelievable. >> jimmy: yeah. >> are you familiar with them? [ cheers and applause ] >> you have heard? >> jimmy: i've heard of them, yeah. i downloaded half of an album. [ laughter ] so far, so good, yeah. they're the greatest, who -- do you guys know questlove or --? >> i know -- questlove. >> we, you know, we used to post on the same website. >> jimmy: what was -- okay, branch out. >> okay. so you're way back in the day before there was twitter, back when you had to, like, do dialup and your mother picked up the phone and ruined the connection. and y'all knew it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i totally remember that. >> be honest. >> boing. >> oh. >> like, mom, i'm downloading porn. >> jimmy: no! you can't tell his mom you're downloading porn. >> yeah, i almost -- i would've had the left butt cheek, mom. >> jimmy: no, all right, no, no, no. [ light laughter ] this is what i like about watching your show. it looks like it's so much fun -- that you're having so much fun together. and i want to, like, hang out with you guys. because i go, "that is the best." i can't believe this is a show. >> our job it literally -- my job is every morning wake up and discuss the news with, like, my best friend. over drugs. but it's all -- you know. it's great. [ laughter ] so much fun. it's actually dope because we are still kind of shocked that we have a tv show. >> every morning you wake up and you're just like -- >> yeah, like, y'all here, go do a tv show. >> oh, so, it's really real? >> a suburban. a suburban is going to pick you up in front of your house and take you to a tv studio. you guys gonna go do a tv show. i was like, "are you serious?" and i was like, "ah." >> it sounded like some sort of scam. >> yeah, like -- like a lottery scam or soemthing. >> yeah, yeah. it's like wake up now, but for, like, tv. i was like, "i don't trust this." [ laughter ] when we first got there -- >> jimmy: i don't trust this. >> something's going on. >> jimmy: i don't trust my own life. [ laughter ] >> no. >> when we first got to the studio we thought the cops were going to be there. >> yeah. >> and they're, like, checking warrants. [ laughter ] like one of those scams. >> jimmy: so it was -- the whole thing was a scam. the whole thing was a bust. >> it's, like, yeah. >> yeah. >> like, it was a sting. it's a sting operation. >> jimmy: do you like getting famous? >> it's pretty dope to walk around target and people are like, "yo! you're that guy from that thing. [ laughter ] you got the show with the guy, right?" [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: on the show with the guy. yeah. >> the thing about getting famous, no one gives you manual, so you don't know how to do it. look, we were coming in here and this guy ran up. he was like, "hey, who are you guys?" >> "who are you guys?" >> i said i was like, "uh -- led zeppelin. i don't know, leave me alone." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: led zeppelin. that's such a good one. >> y'all play -- >> jimmy: did he believe you? that was a good one, yeah. >> he didn't want -- he was just like, "no, you're not led zeppelin." >> "you guys, you're lying to me. stop lying to my, questlove. you're pulling my leg." >> jimmy: questlove. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i know you, you're jaden smith. [ laughter ] >> i'm like, "no." >> jimmy: you're jaden -- no, exactly. how did you guys end up together. you guys have been friends forever? >> we met in summer school, but like -- you know, as a -- >> jimmy: summer school is a a great place to meet people. >> exactly. >> it's a great place to meet people until you realize you're in school. >> yeah. >> and it's summer. >> and yeah. >> and you're still in school. and everyone else is outside playing basketball like -- >> having fun. >> "hey, stupid." >> jimmy: yeah. >> dependant on your grades. >> yo. >> jimmy: i know, but -- >> should have studied for math, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are you double dutching? >> yeah, well, yeah. >> no, you're doing the crossover. >> jimmy: what was that? >> the crossover. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, you were playing basketball. okay, good. i thought you were jump roping. i'm like -- other dudes join in. [ talking over each other ] >> go jimmy, go jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, [ bleep ]! oh, [ bleep ]! oh, [ bleep ]! oh, [ bleep ]! >> go jimmy! >> all the goons on my block we did that to. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: all the tough dudes are jump roping. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, you know -- [ laughter ] >> yo, stud. >> jimmy: yo, stud. >> what you do doing? >> i mean, really. >> you got tricks? what's good? >> jimmy: you got tricks. how do you find the news that you talk about on your show? >> you know what, it comes to us. it just -- you know how technology is. you're on your phone right now and something just -- you just logged on to twitter, you're like -- >> no, they're like, "they took our phones away." >> oh, they did? >> jimmy: yeah, no phones, yeah. [ laughter ] but people at home -- >> oh, god, it's like a -- >> why you rubbing it in? i hadn't checked my messages in like 20 minutes. >> it's like drake's house. >> now we're never going to drake's house. >> jimmy: now you're not invited to drake's house. >> it's all right. >> i'm going to be watching this like, "really, mero." >> jimmy: he's digging it. yeah. >> come on, man, why'd you do me like that? >> no, we get -- the news, back in the day, you had to, like, tune in at 7:00. >> yeah. >> now the news is constant. like, when you get out of here, you're probably going to find out something that happened. >> yep. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and you're just like, "yo, it's been three hours, how did that happen?" we're at war with some country we don't even know about. >> yeah. >> we bombed -- >> well, yo, where is czechlesoberbia. >> like, where -- [ laughter ] >> i don't even know where that is. [ laughter ] >> like, how do we have people -- >> how did this happen? [ talking over each other ] >> like what? >> jimmy: if i give you some topics, can i just hear what your take's on it? >> sure. >> jimmy: we didn't plan any of this out. >> we got the most fuego takes on the planet. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: fuego. >> fuego means they're hot, they're uncooked, and may not be so fat. >> you know what i'm saying, not at all. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, here we go. let's get -- so this is shark week. what are your thoughts on shark week? michael phelps just raced a a shark. >> michael phelps just -- i want to understand this, michael phelps raced a shark. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and almost won. >> jimmy: yeah, true. >> it wasn't -- not. he raced a shark, but they weren't in the same pool. >> oh, they weren't? >> that's what i want. i want to see them in the same pool, the same lane. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> put them in the same pool -- [ talking over each other ] [ cheers and applause ] throw a little catch up in there before the race starts would really make it funky. >> jimmy: then you'd see him really swim fast. yeah, if he's -- >> you better put chum on the water before the race. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: you'll try to kill michael phelps. >> only if he loses. >> jimmy: that's true, you're right. you're right. he's got a shot. >> the guy would. >> jimmy: yeah. >> swim for your life. >> jimmy: what do you think of o.j. simpson getting paroled. >> the juice is loose. you know what i'm saying, like --? [ laughter ] i feel like his time has passed. like, you know what i'm saying. like, just came out, like -- >> that used to be a colorful phrase. like, the juice is loose. now it's scary. like, your kid comes in the room, like -- [ laughter ] "mommy, daddy, the juice is loose! [ laughter ] the juice is under my bed." [ applause ] >> i'm giving o.j., like, maybe three months before he's doing cash for gold commercials. [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying. o.j. could be two stepping on "dancing with the stars." >> yo, you know it! it's going to happen. >> jimmy: yeah, all right, that's good. all right, oh, this one's good. i just got a fermenting pot. i'm going to start making my own pickles. >> wow! that is the whitest thing i've heard all week. [ laughter and applause ] that was incredible. >> yo. >> wow. that is incredible. >> jimmy: listen! >> where do you buy a a fermenting pot at? >> i'm not learning at the whole strip of stores black people don't know about. [ laughter ] fermenting pot? >> jimmy: yeah. >> what do you do with that? >> jimmy: you put like -- i just take a brine of vinegar and then you put, like, cucumbers in and then you make pickles. it takes like -- >> do you -- >> jimmy: i don't know. i'm getting it so i want to know your take. >> you can't buy pickles? [ laughter ] >> that's not a real hobby. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: i make them. i don't know. >> why? >> which is why -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know why. >> i can name you, like, five other hobbies, man, like -- >> you're nuts, jimmy. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] >> we're going to hang out with you after the show and i don't want to call some chick like, she's like, "yo, what are y'all doing? i'm like, "yeah, we making pickles." >> making pickles, man. [ laughter ] >> yeah, jimmy. >> yeah. >> we got some mason jars. >> yeah. it's crazy. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. we're making pickles. >> no, we can't facetime, it's too wild. too wild. [ light laughter ] >> i got brian on the phone, i got to get off. >> sure, sure. >> jimmy: how do you think? how do you feel of being on the "tonight show?" what are your thoughts. >> this is wild. [ cheers and applause ] it's the "tonight show." >> this is bananas. >> yeah. >> this is like -- >> damn, this used to being black and white. >> jimmy: what is that? >> this used to be in black in white, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> sure, why not? >> johnny carson. >> i think we just had bad tv's back in the day. >> oh, that's true. >> jimmy: no, yeah, yeah. >> this is so iconic, this is like -- it hasn't really hit us yet. >> no. >> but it's going be like tomorrow i'm going to have the attitude and i'll walk down my block, like, "i was on 'tonight show.'" >> yeah. >> and they'll be like, "i don't care." >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, no, please. [ light laughter ] we did it and you scored and that's why you have such a a great show, and we love you guys and we're fans, so thank you for coming on. appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i tell you, we'll make some pickles sometime. i want to try them on the set. i want to show everyone a clip. here's a clip from your show, here is desus and mero on the show "desus and mero." >> hey. >> jimmy: on viceland, take a a look. >> now remember when your man abandoned -- he's behind the muslim ban. he hates -- doesn't rock -- muslims at all. >> he quentin miller'd that [ bleep ] >> look at him over here. there's a crip caught in a a blood neighborhood. >> and he's, like, so shook. >> no, no, no. it wasn't the ban. it wasn't the ban. >> no, no, no. [ talking over each other ] >> it was the muslim band. i was trying to put the -- in a a muslim band. yeah, didn't he cover, like, billy joel. >> yeah. >> sing me a song, you're the piano man. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what you do. desus and mero, everybody. check out their show airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m. on viceland. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with magic from penn and teller. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the ford summer sales event is in full swing. they are not listening to me. watch this. who wants ice creeaaaaaam!? so that's how you get them to listen. take on summer right with ford, america's best-selling brand. now with summer's hottest offer. get zero percent for seventy-two months plus an additional thousand on top of your trade-in. during the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventy-two months plus an additional thousand on top of your trade-in. offer ends soon. out out! get get get! grrr! did you find everything okay, sir? whaaaaat? the rock: hey siri, read my schedule. [siri tone] ♪ rock. ♪ hey siri, take a selfie. 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hello, "tonight show!" >> audience: penn! and! teller! ♪ >> audience: penn! >> that's me! >> audience: and! teller! >> that's him. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ got to get on the good push. yeah! let's try this now. woo! let's do the high five. do the high five. yeah! and a little do-si-do. ♪ good evening, my name is penn jilette. the partner's teller. we are penn & teller! and we're going to do a card trick! [ cheers and applause ] we're gonna do a card trick. come on, jimmy, come over here. be the "and" of "penn & teller." be the ampersand. stand on my right, teller's left. i have here a perfectly ordinary deck of cards, scaled up for my size. i'm going to riffle through the deck. while i'm riffling, you just yell "stop." and yell it really loud, because i have a fan blowing up my ass. >> jimmy: okay, thank you. >> okay, here we go. i'm riffling. >> jimmy: stop! >> okay, that's the card you chose at random. >> jimmy: yes. >> memorize that card. that's our card. memorize it. >> jimmy: okay. >> and now the hardest trick you'll see us do. i'm going to shuffle while inside a dirigible. it's zeppelin shufflin'! look at me shuffle. i'm not dropping them on tv! i'm shuffling! [ cheers and applause ] i'm shuffling. that's a shuffle. here you go, jimmy. you shuffle. shuffle them, jimmy. >> jimmy: okay. >> shuffle them, shuffle them. give 'em a shuffle. i'm going to go over here and get a prop. gonna get a prop. i got a gun, i got a gun. i got a gun. i got a gun. >> jimmy: okay. >> okay, jimmy. i'm going to count to three. jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: yes! >> when you're looking at me, don't look at the puppet. look at me. i'm in the mouth. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: sorry! sorry! >> jimmy, jimmy! i'm right there. i'm going to count to three. when i'm done counting to three, you throw the entire deck as high as you can in the air. i will shoot your randomly chosen card out of the deck, and make it appear magically in that yellow balloon that teller's holding. you ready, jimmy? >> jimmy: yes. >> right after three, throw the entire deck in the air. this is for real. don't screw it up. here we go, and -- one, two, three! [ cheers ] [ gunshot ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. oh, my goodness. i -- [ light laughter ] oh, my god. this is terrible. >> hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> is this your card, the two of clubs? [ cheers ] is that your card rights there? the two of clubs! there right there. the two of clubs. the two of clubs. >> jimmy: how the heck? i -- i love you guys! >> we are magic. >> jimmy: you are magic. >> that's how we did it. we are magic. >> jimmy: that was the coolest thing ever. that is so bizarre. [ cheers and applause ] nice to see you. great to see you. how great? penn & teller, come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: if anyone is in vegas, you have to go to the rio and go see them live. how long have you been at the rio? >> we have been at the very conveniently named penn & teller theater -- we're so happy it worked out that way. >> jimmy: congratulations, yeah. >> we almost got booked in the copperfield theater. so embarrassing. >> jimmy: yeah, so embarrassing. >> we're in the penn & teller theater for 17 years, making us the longest-running headliners in vegas history! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. the best. and the fourth season of the cw show "penn & teller: fool us" just premiered. for those who haven't seen it, explain what the show is about. it's really cool. >> well, the gag is simple. magicians come out. great magicians from all over the world. and they do a trick for us once. we have no preparation. we don't know who's going to be on, what trick they're going to do, anything. we see the trick once, and if we cannot figure it out, they win, they beat us. so we've kind of put ourselves up being able to figure out any trick done by anybody any time. and so far this season, we've only been fooled by a blind guy doing card tricks and a a chicken. [ laughter ] we were actually fooled by a a chicken. the chicken came out, did a a magic trick. that chicken absolutely fooled us. because not only do we have to know magic, we have to know zoology. they're expecting us to be veterinarians on this show. and the chicken fooled us. chickens can do things we didn't know they could do. >> jimmy: and what happens if you win this? >> well, what they do is they come out to vegas and get to open for us at the penn & teller theater. >> jimmy: how great is that? that's the greatest. [ cheers and applause ] that is the best. >> we got a chicken! longest-running show in vegas. tonight only, featuring a a chicken. >> jimmy: that's perfect. >> not fooling around! >> jimmy: "penn & teller: fool us" airs thursday nights at 8:00 p.m. on the cw. [ cheers and applause ] that was amazing. thank you so much. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ food. water. internet. we need it to live. but what we don't need are surprises, like extra monthly fees. i see you, fee, played by legendary actress anjelica huston. you got me, mark. we just want fast internet for one, simple rate. for all the streaming and the shopping and the newsing, but most of all... for the this. internet for one everyday simple price and no extra monthly fees. you know what i could go for righhmmmw? some sweet barbeque. (over speaker) - or spicy! we got a craving! go go go!!! crashing cravings in the crave van. jack's gonna crash your crave! here, try my barbeque bacon cheeseburger with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce topped with bacon and onion rings. thanks jack. ha ha! piece of cake. oh, jack! you crave it, we serve it. my new sweet or spicy barbeque bacon cheeseburger and chicken sandwich. crave van! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. i also want to thank you guys too for doing that extra magic trick. it's going to go on the web. >> oh yeah, we did a thing -- especially for you. it was the children's instrument stuff, we really got inspired by that. so we did a trick with a -- with a toy magic stuff. >> jimmy: i'm so excited. so check it out. it's going to be on the web. i'll let you guys know. but i want to thank david spade, desus & mero and, of course, the legends, penn & teller! [ cheers and applause ] of course, the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- patrick stewart -- star of "glow" actress alison brie -- new york attorney general eric schneiderman -- featuring the 8g with matt johnson -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. republicans announced last night that the latest gop health care plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the senate. though when it comes to president trump, the third time's the charm.

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