Musical guest lp, and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 667, maryland steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, welcome, welcome. Enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the tonight show, baby this is it. [ cheers and applause ] youre here watching it. You made it. Thank you very much for being here. Welcome. Heres what people are talking about, a bit of a scandal here. I saw that last night melania trumps twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesnt like her husband. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] but melania claimed she didnt mean to like it, she meant to retweet it. And you go, well thats worse [ laughter and applause ] apparently the tweet said the only wall trump has built is the one between him and melania. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] trump was like, at this point, ill take credit for any wall getting built. [ laughter and applause ] i did it. [ applause ] of course, yesterday trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin where they agreed to Work Together on handling kim jongun. You know a leader is unstable when trump and putin are like, we gotta keep an eye on that guy. [ laughter and applause ] hes trouble. I mean, seriously, trump and putin fixing north korea. Thats like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich guarding a a wedding cake. You know, its like [ cheers and applause ] why . [ grunting ] [ laughter ] this is kind of interesting here. I read that director oliver stone has been spending time with putin for a a documentary. And, yeah, apparently the two of them sat down and watched the classic movie, dr. Strangelove together. [ laughter ] it turns out putin loves classic movies. He even wrote up some reviews. Steve did he really . Jimmy yeah, check these out. We got them. They sent them here to the tonight show. Steve did they really . [ light laughter ] Vladimir Putin sent you these reviews . Thats great. Jimmy let me show you some of these reviews Vladimir Putin wrote. For the movie, its a wonderful life, putin wrote, a wonderful life . Why, he must have potato. [ laughter and applause ] that, to him is a wonderful life. Steve thats his whole review. Wow. Jimmy next, for the wizard of oz, putin wrote i love man running things from behind curtain. Its like me during u. S. Election er, um, i mean, nothing. [ cheers and applause ] steve okay, thats telling. Jimmy he wrote that. Steve he wrote that. Vladimir putin wrote that in english. Jimmy he wrote, er, um, uh, i mean, nothing. Steve dot, dot, dot. [ laughter ] who knows. Jimmy and finally, for finding nemo, putin wrote bad example for children. When someone disappears, you will never find them. Trust me. [ laughter and applause ] and you go, come on, man. Steve rude. Jimmy thats a pixar film. Steve rude. Jimmy hey, this was pretty big today. Fbi director james comey testified before congress. And he referred to wikileaks as intelligence porn. [ light laughter ] mike pence was like, you had me at intelligence, and you lost me at porn. [ laughter ] while trump was like, you lost me at intelligence and won me back at porn. [ laughter and applause ] oh, okay. Steve what . Jimmy and ivanka trump has a new book out where she says that she was so busy during the campaign, she didnt even have time for a massage. Steve oh. [ audience aws ] [ light laughter ] wow. Jimmy and people in syria said, yeah, never mind us, we should be helping you. I mean, really . [ applause ] no massage at all . Steve oh. Jimmy thats right, ivanka said she went into survival mode and couldnt find time for a massage. Pretty rough. In fact, its already inspired a new tv series. Take look at this. On the next episode of survivor trump family edition. Ivanka only has time for a mani and not a pedi. Don jr. Is forced to drink champagne served at room temperature. Eric buys an armani suit off the rack. And they will do it all while living in a hotel with only four stars. Survivor trump family edition. Who will survive . All of them, easily. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i would watch that. I would watch. Hey, lets get to sports here. The nba playoffs are under way, and the Golden State Warriors [ cheers and applause ] they said that they are a a little disappointed that they have to play the utah jazz because theres no night life in Salt Lake City. [ light laughter ] well, when utahs tourism board heard that, they put out oh commercial to show off the hot spots for people to visit in utah. Take a look at this. Hey, folks. Salt lake city is sitting pretty. Our night life is heating up like a hot potato. Check out all our nifty establishments like mitts milk bar. [ laughter ] hooters, utahs premier owl conservatory. [ laughter ] and of course, lady lux. Where the girls start with their clothes on and end up with their coats on [ laughter ] remember, what happens in Salt Lake City is fine to tell everyone. Jimmy yeah, see . Thats nice. Thats some hot spots. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy a little tv news here. I saw that jeopardy was just renewed for two more years [ cheers ] which will take it to the 35th season. I think alex trebek might be a a little tired of hosting though. Just look at the this category from todays episode. Number of fs i give. Steve oh, come on. [ laughter and applause ] what . What . Thats rude. Jimmy and finally, this is pretty amazing. I saw that amazons alexa can now whisper, change the pitch of its voice and spell words correctly. [ audience oohs ] so, if youre keeping score, thats alexa, three. The president of the united states, zero. [ cheers and applause ] there we you go. We have a great show tonight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, guys thank you, roots. Thank you, higgins. We have a great show tonight. From the Big Bang Theory, kaley cuoco is on the show tonight steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, we love her we love her. Plus, this guy is one of my favorite human beings on the planet. He stars in the new nbc show, great news. My pal, horatio sanz is here. Steve yeah, horatio [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very funny, very funny individual. We have a lot of good memories together, me and horatio. And we have great music. Oh, my goodness. Lp is on the show tonight steve woah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, you know what . Ladies and gentlemen, i read something that really disturbed me recently. Steve whats that . Jimmy American Kids are ranked 30th in the world in terms of math skills. Steve what . Jimmy yeah, and nobody seems to know how to turn this thing around. I think the problem is todays kids just cant relate to oldfashioned things like numbers. Steve wow. [ light laughter ] jimmy so weve updated math to make the equations more about stuff modern kids can relate to, in a segment called, popular mathematics. Here we go. Popular mathematics mathematics [ cheers and applause ] jimmy lets take a look at our first equation, here. If you take Harry Connick jr. Steve uhhuh. Jimmy you multiply him by two. Steve sure. Jimmy it equals the property brothers. Steve oh. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, thats the way thats the way you understand how that works . Steve thats how you get kids. Jimmy yeah. Steve kids love the property brothers. Jimmy let me give you let me give you another example. Steve give me another example cause im confused. Jimmy yeah, here heres another. The quaker oats guy. Steve got it. Jimmy plus super cuts. Steve sure. Jimmy equals mike pence. [ laughter and applause ] do you see what im saying . [ cheers and applause ] do you understand . Steve not yet. Jimmy my jam . Steve i know the things. But its not gellin in my brain. Jimmy all right, good. Let me give you another. Steve please do. Jimmy let me give you another possible example. If you take luke wilson. Steve sure. Know him, love him. Jimmy plus a tight rope artist. Steve uhhuh. Jimmy it equals luke skywalker. Do you hear what im saying . [ laughter and applause ] do you get it . Steve no. One more. Give me one more. Jimmy let me give you another example. Steve give me a xampie. Jimmy heres another one. Steve martin. Steve steve martin, i love him. Jimmy plus a hearty sneeze. Steve sure. Jimmy equals Steve Mnuchin. [ laughter and applause ] Steve Mnuchin jimmy mnuchin steve gesundheit jimmy danke steve ya. Still not getting it. One, two, three. [ counting in german ] [ smacks ] oh [ laughter ] jimmy guys, if you take alfred e. Neuman. Steve got it. Jimmy plus face apps old filter, you get jeff sessions. Steve wow. [ applause ] jimmy yeah, you see, its popular math steve its popmatics for the kids. Jimmy if you take overnight delivery. Steve yes. Jimmy you add sylvester stallone. Steve right. [ light laughter ] jimmy it equals asap rocky. You see what im saying . [ laughter and applause ] steve oh. Jimmy you get it . You get the steve i get it. If you could just give me one more example, just one more, thats all i ask. One final example. I have had the penultimate one, now i need the ultimate xamp. [ light laughter ] just one more example. Jimmy could you do some sound effects . Steve sure. Jimmy me drinking, and then me using windex. Steve okay. Jimmy and then, squeegeeing it off. Steve okay. Youre going to, like, clean something . Jimmy ill drink first. Then ill sneeze on something, then ill windex, and then clean it. Steve got it. [ light laughter ] jimmy okay, well, here you go. [ drinking ] [ popping ] [ laughter ] [ gulps ] [ sneezing sound ] [ sprayer sound ] [ laughter and applause ] jimmy he can do a windex bottle steve yeah jimmy thats fantastic. Steve and my brother dave. Jimmy who can do a windex bottle . Thats great. Steve oh my gosh. Jimmy no one else can do an impression of windex. Thats great. Steve my brother dave. He taught me. Jimmy your brother dave. Finally, if you take a nuclear weapon, plus the boss baby, it equals kim jongun. Steve yeah jimmy there we go, everybody thats all we have time for popular mathematics. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with a a great, audience suggestion box. Well be back stick around come on back. [ cheers and applause ] [car engine failing to start] [wind blows] yo wh ah he [gas pouring] [slurps loudly] [engine starting] [loud slurping continues] what twisted ankle . Ask what muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx the toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Help stop the journey of gum disease. Try new parodontax toothpaste. I have to tell you something. Dad, one second i was driving and then the next. They just didnt stop and then. Im really sorry. I wrecked the subaru. I wrecked it. Youre ok. Thats all that matters. vo a lifetime commitment to getting them home safely. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Been summonned to an emergency meeting at buckingham palace. We re tweeting the latest. Add and on our homepage former state sen. Mark leno will file his papers later this morning to run for San Francisco mayor. The race isn t until 2019. But current mayor, ed lee is termed out and the list of candidates is expected to be wide open. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, we have such a a great show tonight. Kaley cuoco is on the program. Guys, as you know, we are always striving to get better here at the tonight show. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. [ applause ] so before every show we put out a suggestion box for the audience just to get some feedback about what you guys think of the show, things youd like to see us do. That kind of stuff. So tonight, lets look inside the audience suggestion box. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] look into the box the suggestion box jimmy this is one of my favorite bits. I love this so much. This one it really is. This ones from lisa klienman. It says, hey, jimmy, have you tried that new face app thing on your phone . Its pretty crazy. You should do one. We just talked about it earlier. Its pretty interesting. You take a selfie and the app has different filters that make you look old, young, male, female, whatever. So heres a picture of me. [ light laughter ] dont laugh. Thats just a picture of me. [ laughter ] im in the right business. [ laughter ] heres a picture of me using the old filter. Ooh. [ applause ] now lets try one doing of james there. James . Heres the regular photo of [ laughter ] regular photo of james. Heres a photo of james with the bonk filter. [ bonk noise ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] this ones from alex paraya. Tomorrow is may fourth and may the fourth be with you. [ cheers ] i love star wars. i also love the song all star by smash mouth, which got me thinking, could you show all of the stars of star wars singing all star . That sounds fun. Here it is. Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me i aint the sharpest tool in the shed she was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an l on her forehead well the years start coming and they dont stop coming fed to the rules and hit the ground running didnt make sense not to live for fun your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb so much to do so much to see so whats wrong with taking the back streets youll never know if you dont go youll never shine if you dont glow hey now youre an allstar get your game on go play m hey now youre a rock star get the show on get paid and all that glitters is gold only shooting stars break the [ screaming ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy come on. Thats fantastic. Thank you, buddy. Heres another one here. This is from lamar loylaylee. It says, hey, jimmy, Cinco De Mayo is coming up [ cheers ] and i really want to know how to make a margarita. Any way you could help me . Actually, yeah, i think i could. Tariq jimmy, please. Or should i say, por favor . [ cheers ] ive got this. Jimmy youve got what . Tariq thanks, buddy. Now, if youre looking for a a margarita that will make you say ay caramba, youre going to want to try one of my special tariqitas margaritas made with my patented tariqitas margaritas maker. But watch out. Too many sips of this spicy drinko and youll be hunched over your bathroom sinko [ light laughter ] de mayo. [ light laughter ] thats the name of the game. You know what im saying . [ laughter ] jimmy i think we do. Anyway, thank you for the tips, tariq. Ill make sure tariq all you need to do to make this is use some fresh lime, triple sec, premium white tequila, and youve got to have the salt. But [ laughter ] you want to get real loco, which i know you do jimbo. I like to add a little cayenne pepper. Mmmmmmmm now, thats what i call caliente. So this Cinco De Mayo, take it from tareezy keep it easy, but never cheesy with my margareasy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Thank you, tariq. Is there anything else you want to say . Tariq oh, yeah. This is just a blender with my picture on it. [ light laughter ] jimmy perfect, all right. Lets do [ cheers and applause ] i knew that. I knew that. Lets do one more suggestion. This is from joanne munchauer. Hey, jimmy, you should tell more knockknock jokes on your show. Yeah, i dont know if people find them that funny, but i can give it a try if you guys are up for it. [ cheers and applause ] knock knock. Audience whos there . Jimmy gorilla. Audience gorilla who . Jimmy gorilla me a a hamburger, im hungry. [ laughter ] ha ha ha ha ha we know that joke was good ha ha ha ha ha we like that joke you told [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im sorry. Who are you guys . Were two members of the early 80s new wave band, spandau ballet. [ light laughter ] here is a photo of us. [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, very good. Yes, and were deeply sorry if that threw you off. Thats just how we laugh. [ light laughter ] jimmy thats how you laugh . Yes. We are deeply, deeply sorry. Jimmy no problem. Dont be deeply sorry. Do you guys mind if i read another knockknock joke . Of course. Please go ahead. Jimmy knock, knock. Audience whos there . Ha ha ha ha ha we know that joke was good jimmy guys, guys, guys, stop. Guys, stop, stop, stop. Stop. I didnt even i did even get to get to the joke there. Sorry. My older brother tickled me. [ laughter ] jimmy you guys are brothers . Yes. Im martin kemp and hes gary kemp. Its true. Google it. [ light laughter ] jimmy ill take your word for it. Ive got to say, though, for brothers you guys look pretty different. I would say youre brothers from a different mother. Ha ha ha ha ha we know that joke was good jimmy i know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha we like that joke you told jimmy you guys, it seems like sorry. It just seems like you guys are just now starting to laugh. I mean, why werent you laughing earlier in the show if thats how you laugh . [ light laughter ] honey, i think you just answered your own question. [ audience oohs ] jimmy come on, guys. I really lost control of the show. Jimmy, wait. Hold on. Listen, ive got an idea to make it up to you. We live in crazy times right now. I mean, there are some real weirdos out there. Real freaks. Theyre not even normal like us. [ laughter ] so why not you, us, and everyone in our great audience laugh the way we laugh . What do you say, everybody . Do you want to do it . Yes, you do. [ cheers and applause ] yes, you do. Lets do it, everybody. Two, three, four. Ha ha ha ha ha we know that joke was good ha ha ha ha ha we like that joke you told jimmy martin and gary kemp, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] thats beautiful. Thats all the time we have for the audience suggestion box. Stick around. Well be right back with kaley cuoco. [ cheers and applause ] chevy is the most awarded car Company Three years in a row. Really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards get 20 below msrp on all malibu lt models. Thats 5,200 on this chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Shsale this weekend family and take an extra 20 off sale prices on a great gift for mom like diamond earrings for only 39. 99 take an extra 20 off a ninja coffee bar and new sandals are just 11. 99. Youll get kohls cash too kohls. Mathat are 100 from dennys. Rs starting at 6. 99, which is 100 awesome. 100 beef burgers with fries starting at 6. 99. 100 seriously. Ball park franks got their right here in the ballpark. They soon became a summer tradition, passed from one generation to the next. With the taste o