Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20170330

And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 649, turks and caicos. Yeah. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hey [ cheers and applause ] looking good, looking good out there. Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] you made it. Youre here. Thank you for being here. Thanks for watching. Guys, lets see what everyones talking about. Hillary clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night and encouraged her supporters to, quote, resist, insist, persist and enlist. [ scattered applause ] and she pointed to herself and said, still pissed. [ laughter and applause ] all rhymes, i guess. Listen to this, in a new interview trumps soninlaw and top adviser Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company where the citizens are the customers. And people said, well, in that case we have a president wed like to exchange. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] who do we talk to who do i talk to . Thats right, trumps been having a pretty rough couple of weeks. Last night, cnn interviewed some people who voted for him in the election. Lets see whether theyre still behind him. Do you trust the president . [ laughter ] in what vein . Jimmy in what vein . It was so quiet you could actually hear an Approval Rating drop. Steve really . [ applause ] wow, thats quiet. Jimmy hey, guys, i saw that crayola is retiring one of its 24 crayon colors for first time in 100 years. [ audience groans ] i dont know why. Yeah, theyre announcing its replacement on friday and theyre trying to make the new color a bit more relevant to 2017. For example, politics is dominating the news, so crayola is considering president ial orange. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers ] they might honor trumps entire cabinet with super white. [ cheers ] to honor of the gop healthcare bill theres paul ryan blueit. [ cheers and applause ] democrats are proposing the new color impeachment. [ cheers and applause ] and finally, they even let education secretary betsy devos name her own crayon, this is the chewiest popsicle ive ever eaten red. Dont eat the crayon, betsy we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] hi great crowd tonight, hey, everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for being here. Steve good looking, too. Jimmy oh, theyre excited. Guys, we have some big, exciting news. Next week we are taking the show to Universal Studios in orlando, florida. [ cheers and applause ] nice. I heard its like 90 degrees. Steve 90 degrees. Jimmy woo, man. Im ready to get tan, man. Steve yeah. Jimmy spend all day just laying out. Steve yeah. Jimmy no, were there, were working. Were going to launch our brandnew tonight show ride called race through new york. Youre going to love it. [ scattered applause ] its so cool. We have some giant guests joining us down there to help celebrate. We have vin diesel will be there. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have Blake Shelton will be there. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Dwayne Johnson will be there. Steve come on [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and were going to have performances from pitbull. [ cheers and applause ] flo rida. Steve what . Jimmy and jason derulo. Oh, yeah. And it all starts monday. Monday night when i face off against Shaquille Oneal in a a lip sync battle to end all lip sync battles. [ cheers and applause ] he wanted to lip sync battle me. Steve and guess what . He got one. Jimmy yeah, well, he came last time he was on he was like, i wanna lip sync battle you. [ laughter ] i go, i cant believe you want to do that. He goes, i want it. Im shaq. [ light laughter ] i go, all right, man. Lets do it. So i dont know what hes got up his sleeve. I dont know what hes doing. I never know the songs. He doesnt know my songs either. So im ready to shaq. Steve shaq. Jimmy Shaquille Oneal. Monday night. Get ready. Its going to go down. Steve gosh. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy set your tivos. Steve yeah, hes going to do love shack. Jimmy yeah. Oh, he might. But first, guys, we have a a fantastic show tonight. We love it when she is on the show. The wonderful katie holmes is here. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy shes the best. Plus from the hbo series girls. Andrew rannells is stopping by as well. [ cheers and applause ] later in the show, katie, andrew and i are playing pup quiz. Its very its gonna be fun. Stick around for that. [ cheers and applause ] we have great music from the grammy Award Winning Zac Brown Band. [ cheers and applause ] steve hey come on. Jimmy these guys know how to do it. If youve never seen these guys live well, you will tonight, but theyre unbelievable. They just know how to do it. My buddy went to go see them. Hes like he didnt even know. Hes like, i know a couple songs. But they offered my friend tickets. And hes like, yeah, ill go see it. So he went to go see it. He said the best concert hes ever seen in his life. Zac brown. [ cheers and applause ] get ready. Theyre here tonight. Guys, it is time for screen grabs. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] make me wanna screen grab jimmy now these are some weird, funny things that you guys have found on the internet or other places and then sent in to us. This first screen grab was sent in by jamie esperto in south huntington, new york. He was watching some local news and saw this story. Man in boxers leads police on brief chase. [ light laughter ] steve come on. Jimmy i guess maybe he had a suspicious package. I dont know. [ light laughter ] steve after he was debriefed. Jimmy he was debriefed, yes. Steve hes hiding hes hiding under there. Jimmy where is he . Steve under there. [ light laughter ] jimmy under where . Oh, so good. Steve come on. Jimmy so good. Oh, thank you. Steve third grade. Jimmy thank you, yeah. Next one was sent in by jamie forest in aberdeen, south dakota. She was browsing facebook and saw this for sale. Couch 150. Ever since we got it, my kid has been sick. Needs to go. Has a weird smell to it. [ light laughter ] dont oversell it. Steve yeah, ill take two. Jimmy at that price, nothing that a little febreeze cant fix. Steve my kids been sick. Jimmy kids been sick ever since we got it. Smells weird. Steve what couch you thinkin about gettin . Well this one here jimmy at least hes very honest. Almost too honest, yeah. This next one was sent in by houda schecktar right here in queens. She spotted these headlines on cnns website. The top one says, north korea fires projectiles, Serena Williams fires back. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my moneys on serena. Steve yeah. Jimmy next one was sent in by nick purdue in orlando, florida. Hey, were gonna see you soon. He was shopping on amazon for a a fire pit. Steve okay. Jimmy you know the things you you sit around steve in the backyard. Jimmy in the backyard, yeah. Well check out this one he found here. Indoor dining room table. I dont see any issues with that at all. Steve no, i dont think thats dangerous at all. Jimmy six foot flames in your dining room. Steve not at all. Why would that be a problem . Put that weird smelling couch next to it and youd be set. [ light laughter ] jimmy thats true. You got a smelly couch. Look at the flames. That is insane to me. I love it. Thats crazy. Steve thats a fourfoot flame. Jimmy oh, my gosh. This next one was sent in by Craig Woodson in searcy, arkansas. He was looking at a chinese food menu online. Lets see what he found. Egg rolls and fried woman with cream cheese. [ light laughter ] i guess they do chinese a a little differently down in arkansas. Steve just a little, yeah. Jimmy its like, ill have some fried woman, please. This next screen grab was sent in by zachary zahon in valley view, ohio. He was shopping online for a a spiderman balloon, and found this. There it is. [ laughter ] comes in with a what . Whats the problem . Steve at least you know its spider man. Hes got his web shooter right there. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. Comes with a handy tab, you just gotta tie a string to. Thats also how you blow it up. Jimmy this next one was sent in by josh helgenson helgerson in waconia, minnesota. He was checking out facebook and found this for sale. Crotches 10. Adult crotches. [ light laughter ] first i thought it was a typo, then he wrote it twice. So steve he didnt want jimmy hes selling adult crotches. Steve adults, yeah. Not for kids. Jimmy no. Steve its not like spiderman. Jimmy we are down to our last one here. This is from jimmy gardener in toronto, canada. He was in a record store and he spotted an album for a musician from the 1970s named peter mccann, who had a hit song, do you want to make love . Steve oh, yeah. Jimmy anyways, he says peter looks a a lot like me. Steve what . Jimmy and i dont know if i see it. But here it is here. [ light laughter ] doesnt look like me, really. Does he . I kind of want to hear his song, though. Can we get to hear do you want to make love . What is he telling us . Do you want to make love or do you just want to fool around [ cheers and applause ] jimmy pretty good. Great song. I dont know if he looks like me. Can we put the album over my face . [ cheers and applause ] can we play the steve nothing like you. Jimmy can we play the song . Do you want to make love or do you just want to fool around i guarantee it will bring you down if you try and fool yourself do you want to make love [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats good. Thats all the time we have for screen grabs. If you have any funny screen grabs, email it to us at screengrabs tonightshow. Com. We might put it on the show. Stick around. Well be back with more of the tonight show, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ok lets call his agent. 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Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longerlasting flavor . Mmm zipping zipping rattling longerlasting juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew and chew. Various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. All while reducing americas emissions. Goo ouraceok ge sethpicres a t [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back, everybody weve gotten ready for some good show. Im very excited because this weekend is the mens ncaa final four, everybody, and its a good one. [ cheers and applause ] you got South Carolina versus gonzaga. Go zag whoo [ cheers ] jimmy and you have oregon taking on north carolina. [ cheers ] now, its impossible to predict who is going to go all the way. But youre in luck because when it comes to predicting things, weve have a secret weapon, and its puppies. [ cheers and applause ] thats right. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the puppy predictors 2017 final four edition. Here we go. Puppy predictors puppy predictors jimmy welcome, welcome to the puppy predictors 2017 final four edition. And heres how it works. We have nine puppies, and we have four bowls of kibble, one for South Carolina, gonzaga, oregon, and north carolina. Whichever teams bowl gets the most puppies will be crowned the national champ. [ cheers and applause ] now, lets meet the puppies [ cheers and applause ] jimmy guys, calm down. Guys, calm down. We tonight we have ron bell, kyle mcadams, mary kennedy, ted mooney, donna braylon, peter winston, roger blain, lisa armstrong, and gary frick jr. [ cheers ] oh, hey, guys. Hi, guys now, get ready. I want it to be a fair, fair match, okay . [ light laughter ] no wandering around, no butt sniffing, any of that stuff, okay . You guys ready to do this . [ cheers ] okay, lets release the puppies [ cheers and applause ] hi, guys. Hi, guys oh looks like oh, its oregon. Oregon is the winner [ cheers and applause ] we have a winner. Hey, guys. [ cheers ] there we go. Thats the winner right there, national champs. [ audience aws ] oregon. You guys did a good job. You did such a great job. Oregon will be crowned the 2017 national champs. [ cheers and applause ] you heard it here first. Enjoy the final four, everybody. Well be right back with katie holmes. [ cheers and applause ] ive been with starbucks now 9 years. Ive been retired for 11. One day my wife came home and said, youre driving me crazy. So, i figured ok, well as much coffee as i drink in my life starbucks was a logical place to work. 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Get up to 2,500 customer cash on select 2017 models for these terms. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. Verizon. mic thuds uh, sorry. Its unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. thud uh. Sorry, last thing. Its just 45 per line. Forty. Five. cheering and applause and that is all the microphones that i have. vo switch to unlimited on verizon now and get our best android smartphones for as low as 15 a month. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a fantastic actress who you can see in the new miniseries, the kennedys after camelot premiering sunday at 9pm on reelz. Everyone please welcome the very talented katie holmes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy nice to see you again. Its so nice to see you. Jimmy welcome back. You look gorgeous. Thank you. Jimmy thank you for coming back to the show. Last time you were here it was around the holidays, and we were talking about this thing that you sometimes do your family does, where you cold call people, and sing christmas carols. Yes. Jimmy yeah, and i waited all year. [ light laughter ] yes. Well, i think i was a little confused because ive been waiting on your call. Jimmy you thought i was going to call you . I did well, youre a better singer. Jimmy no, im not. This is your tradition. I cant take it from you. You want me to do it . Yes. Jimmy okay then ill call you next this christmas. Deal. Maybe this easter. Jimmy easter. An easter one. Jimmy ill do a maybe you guys could write a a little easter jingle. Jimmy tough, i mean what do we have . We have peter cottontail is the only one. Peter cottontail is the one and only right . They kind of cornered the market. They did. Jimmy alright well, well think of something. Theres a lane for you, jimmy. Jimmy yeah i can do it, right . I can do it. Yeah, you just saw the puppies that predicted oregon to win. Are you following the ncaa . I know youre a big im a big basketball fan. I come from a big basketball family. My dad played at marquette under al mcgwire. [ cheers and applause ] so, everyone is like very good in my family except for me. We were just at the ncaas this weekend at msg and it was incredible. We watched the South Carolina florida game. Jimmy oh my goodness. [ cheers ] and the florida wisconsin game. Oh, my god. Jimmy florida, that was insane. Do you freak cause ive played youre pretty competitive. Ive played games with you before. Yes. Jimmy are you an intense fan as well . Im a very intense fan, no matter what, because im the youngest of five. So i used to go to all my brothers and sisters games when i was little. So i am just like i pray, i do rituals, and my nephew was on a Great Basketball Team this year. And i would listen on the radio, and i would have to like, you know, run on the treadmill because i would be so like, oh, my god, oh my god, theres two minutes left, oh my god. Oh my god. Kind of like just like, you know all of those things. Jimmy i love that you get that into it. And then if im there im not above yelling anything i want at that ref. [ cheers ] like, youre ugly, you suck, i hate you. Jimmy youre ugly . You go to his looks . I dont just to distract. Jimmy just to get in his head . Yeah, just say youre ugly. Yell at them guys. Poor referees. Youre so mean. Jimmy youre so mean. Those pants are too tight. [ light laughter ] anything. Jimmy i love that you get into it. I just want to be a part of it. Jimmy yeah. Its fun. Its good. Its fun being a fan. You know, i was looking at all the things that youve done in your career, and i realized that youve been in this business acting, and now directing, for 20 years. Isnt that crazy . Crazy. Jimmy does that make any sense . And i met you when i was a when we were both babies. Jimmy yeah, but i was still an older baby when we first met. You really are still a baby, but thats i mean, thats wild. I mean, thats crazy. Do you remember i always like hearing stories of things like either you were up for a role, and then it went a different direction. Do you have any of those stories . I do have a story about that. I was a junior in high school, and i went out to l. A. For a a pilot season. And i tried out for buffy the vampire slayer. [ cheers ] and like the scheduling and, well, i

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