And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 615, memphis steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, please. I love you. I love you. Please, sit down, enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. Welcome to the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] this is it yeah, all right. [ cheers and applause ] new york city, baby. Love it. Im your host, jimmy fallon. Guys, it is the first day of february. [ cheers ] which of course is the shortest month with just 28 days as opposed to january. Which felt like it had 200. [ laughter ] lets get to some news, here. Last night President Trump nominated colorado appeals judge neil gorsuch to the supreme court. Thats right, hes from colorado. Which explains his most famous case. Regular funyuns vs. Flamin hot funyuns. [ laughter ] i hereby rule, that theyre both awesome. Were now learning a little bit more about neil gorsuch. For instance, i read that he actually has a barn where he raises horses, chickens and goats. That experience will come in handy when he spends the rest of his life sidestepping all the crap in washington. [ cheers and applause ] listen to this. Ahead of last nights Big Supreme Court announcement, President Trump brought both of his top two candidates to the white house. Yeah. Trump said, one of you will be the nominee, the other will go home crying in the back of a a limo. [ laughter ] why would you do that . He did it. Trump also brought his second choice, thomas hardiman, all the way to washington because he wanted to build suspense for the announcement. [ light laughter ] all right, heres what the two of them had to say after the big reveal. First gorsuch said, this is without a doubt the greatest honor of my life. Then hardiman said, what the hell just happened . [ laughter ] next gorsuch said, this was a a dream come true. And hardiman said, this is the cruelest thing anyone could do. Inviting me to a party and then not putting my name on the list. Finally gorsuch said, i cant express how happy i am. While hardiman said, i cant express how much i regret getting a lower back tattoo that says, justice supreme. [ applause ] shouldve told me before i got the tat. [ cheers and applause ] actually, a source told us weekly that Melania Trump is going to wait until later in the year to decide if shell move to washington. Yep. She said it depends on a lot of factors, like if her husband is still president. [ laughter and applause ] well see. Well see. Yesterday President Trump called Rudy Giuliani quote, very much of an expert on cyber security. [ light laughter ] which is true if that sentence ended with, compared to me. Steve yeah. Jimmy and then, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Compared to you. [ laughter ] this week White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer spoke out against criticism of President Trumps National Security council. Though im not sure he cleared anything up. Take a look at this. Let me just walk through this real quick. This is the 2009 memo. And then this one is the ive got the 13 here as well or the 2017, rather. And this is the 2001 with respect to um uh over uh i think it is pretty clear if you look at all three of these, uh, thats what it does. [ laughter ] okay. Jimmy uh, then, uh, in 2000 uh, 2007s another year and 2006 is a year, too. And, 2010s a year. In his defense though, its hard to keep all those alternative facts straight. You know theres no real order, so steve you dont know. [ applause ] we do not know. Jimmy and this is very interesting. According to a new survey, 41 of americans think god plays a a role in u. S. Elections. And god said, actually, i just focus on football and the bachelor. but you know, whatever. [ laughter and applause ] of course everyone is still gearing up for super bowl li. And according to the national [ cheers and applause ] im psyched, man. This sunday. According to the National Chicken council, americans will eat over a billion chicken wings on super bowl sunday. [ light laughter ] yeah, and as many as three pieces of celery. Steve wow. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah steve celery. Jimmy ive got to balance it out, the nutrition. [ laughter ] but its pretty amazing, though. I read that over 110 Million People are expected to watch the super bowl this weekend. Yeah. Reporting now from nrg stadium in houston to give us a full report on all the excitement, is our tonight show sports correspondent, doug whitman. Doug . [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you, jimmy. Thats right. Everybody is buzzing about the big game this sunday. I am of course talking about super bowl li. [ laughter ] jimmy super super bowl li . Thats right, jimmy. Super bowl li. We got the falcons and we got the patriots. Two great teams facing off in the game thats reminiscent of the steelers, packers matchup back in super bowl xlv. [ laughter ] jimmy xlv, okay. I see whats going on. Doug, let me ask you. How do you think this years super bowl will compare to super bowl extra large . Well, i havent heard that comparison. What i have heard are comparisons to super bowl v. And super bowl iv. And super bowl iii. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy ive heard those ive heard those same comparisons. Yes. But no matter who wins or loses, lets just hope that the super bowl is around for a long time. So our great, great, great, great grandchildren may one day live to see super bowl mmmdkkkxlk. Jimmy gasundheit. Thank you jimmy doug whitman everybody [ cheers and applause ] doug whitman. Hey, if youre a pet owner, you should listen to this, you guys. New Research Finds that cats and dogs have equal intelligence. While not everyone agrees on this, particularly the cat and dog we interviewed about the study. Heres what they had to say. First this dog said, thats ridiculous. Everyone knows dogs are smarter. Thats why were mans best friend. Then this cat said, actually youre mans best friend, just because you do whatever he tells you. Thats not intelligence, thats blind obedience. [ laughter and applause ] then the dog said, you talk a a big game for someone that falls for the laser pointer trick every single time. [ laughter ] then the cat said, uh, dont you have a strangers leg to hump or a car to chase . To which the dog said, meow. To which the cat replied, thats my line. To which the dog said, no, im saying it, like, bitchy like, meow. the cat was like, oh, right, well actually thats pretty smart. And then the dog was like, you know, i think that [ vacuum sounds ] wait, whats that noise . Then the cat responded, vacuum cleaner were all going to die. And finally, the goldfish said, morons. [ cheers and applause ] it was an it was a riveting interview. Steve wow. Thats a great interview. Jimmy well this is kind of weird, you guys. On friday police in Washington State stopped a man who was jogging nude around microsofts campus in the middle of the ghnit. When witnesses were asked to describe the suspect, they said, micro soft. [ laughter ] steve hey oh [ rim shot ] jimmy control, alt, delete. [ laughter ] get this. A new Study Suggests that your life really does flash before your eyes when you have a a neardeath experience. Yeah. They said you see your first kiss, your wedding day and the rest is just you on facebook. [ laughter and applause ] you got that. [ laughter ] thats right. New Research Suggests that your life really does flash before your eyes right before you die. Some people say its pretty scary. While hugh hefner said, i cant wait. This is going to be great. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight, guys. Give it up for the roots jimmy guys, welcome we have a great show. A fun show tonight. From the big new action movie john wick chapter 2 keanu reeves is here steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy plus, we love it when this guy stops by. Judd apatow is on the show tonight. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hes a genius. Judd, keanu and i are doing some kid standup tonight. So, yeah. So we had kids send in jokes. And then we are going to get on ste agand perform the jokes. It should be fun tonight. And, weve got great music from the lumineers ahead steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys, super bowl sunday is this weekend. Its the big matchup between the Atlanta Falcons and the new england patriots. Steve oh my gosh i love them jimmy yes steve super bowl jimmy its going to be exciting. Now as you know at the end of every season they give an award like most valuable player but they also give out awards during the season, sort of like the ones in high school, yearbooks. Steve wow. Jimmy like most likely to succeed. Steve uh huh. Jimmy class clown. Steve got it. Jimmy stuff like that. So, with that in mind, its time for tonight show super bowl superlatives. Here we go. Super bowl superlatives jimmy our first player is david andrews. Hes a center for the new england patriots. He was votedm most likely to be a teddy graham come to life. Steve awe. Jimmy thats cute. Thats nice. Steve sweet jimmy sweet. Next up is, kyle van noy. He was voted, most likely to be drakes wii avatar. [ laughter ] started from the bottom steve started from the bottom jimmy now wii here. Yeah. [ light laughter ] up next from the patriots, is nate solder. He was voted, most likely to have just poisoned your soup. [ laughter and applause ] tastes a little different. Jimmy heres falcons cornerrback jalen collins. He was voted, most likely to be jaden smith in 2019. Steve wow. Jimmy hes a good looking dude. Steve yeah. Jimmy hes a good looking dude. Next up is, marcus cannon. He was voted most likely to say, dont ask questions you already know the answer to. When the waitress asks if you want the dessert. [ laughter ] steve ah, yes. Jimmy up next is, chris long. He was voted, most likely to be that weird new boyfriend your cousin brings for thanksgiving dinner. [ laughter and applause ] pass the peas. Can i call you dad . [ laughter ] heres cameron fleming. He was voted, most likely to fall asleep while chewing. I dont steve wow. Jimmy finally, from the falcons, is patrick dimarco. He was voted, hot gary busey. [ laughter ] there you guys have it, those are your nfl super bowl superlatives. Well be back with more of the tonight show. Give it up, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] how do you become americas bestselling brand . All right . Ooohhh yeah. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Im breating, lets go. You make it protective. Can you go a little faster . Just trying to be safe. You make it hard working. Hey guys. You make it so everyones happy. 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[ cheers and applause ] kid standup [ laughter ] steve ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome to the tonight shows kid standup. Every joke you hear tonight was written by actual kids age 5 to 10. Now please welcome, your first comedian, mr. Judd apatow [ cheers and applause ] all right. All right. Thank you. Thank you okay. Thank you. It is great to be here. Hey, theres something ive been wondering. How do you make a moose float . Two scoops of ice cream, root beer, and one moose. [ laughter and applause ] lets see, what else is going on . What else is going on . Oh, yeah. Knock knock. Audience whos there . Abraham lincoln. Audience Abraham Lincoln who . What . You dont know who the president is . [ light laughter ] all right. Ill leave you guys with this one. What did the nosey pepper do . Audience what . Get jalapeno business. [ laughter ] youve been terrific [ cheers and applause ] steve oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, that is fantastic, thank you. Oh, my gosh, funny, funny stuff. Thats kids going to be big. [ light laughter ] now ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for your next comedian, mr. Jamone falone. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Thank you. Its jimmy, actually. [ light laughter ] yeah this is something thats been bothering me. What did the what did the werewolf astronaut say . Audience what . He said, hey, im in outer space. [ laughter and applause ] lets see, what else . What else is going on in the news. Porcupine. What did the porcupines say when they kiss . Audience what . Ouch. [ laughter and applause ] hows that working for you . Looks like like theyre giving me the light here. [ light laughter ] i got time for one more. Knock knock. Audience whos there . Cash. Audience cash who . No thanks, i prefer almonds. [ laughter and applause ] yeah, you guys are nuts. You guys are nuts. Thank you very much. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] steve real good stuff not bad. Not bad. Not too shabby. Now ladies and gentlemen, i have a real treat for you. [ drum roll ] making his standup comedy debut with us tonight, please welcome mr. Keanu reeves [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Its great to be here. Hey guys, i got a question. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh . Audience how many . Ten tickles. [ cheers and applause ] heres something thats been on my mind lately. What kind of pants does mario wear . Audience what . Denim, denim, denim. [ laughter and applause ] welp, my time is almost up. But ill leave you on this. Why cant you hear a a pterodactyl go to the bathroom . Audience why . Come on, man because its p is silent. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you, youve been great. Steve fantastic. And now now id like to get all of tonights comedians back on stage for one last joke. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you guys ready . Yes. Jimmy okay. Why did the koala fall out of the tree . Audience why . Because it was dead. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy why did a second koala fall out of the tree . Audience why . Jimmy it was hit by the first koala. [ laughter ] why did the third koala fall out of the tree . Audience why. It just wanted to fit in. Jimmy thank you very much thats what im talking about. Thats what im judd apatow. Keanu reeves. [ cheers and applause ] well right be back with more of the tonight show, everybody [ cheers and applause ] by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] pain from a headache whecan make this. D, feel like this. 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They give a lot of love. They do. Its awesome. Jimmy they give a lot of love for you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Jimmy thank you for coming back and thank you for doing kids standup thing. No, that was a lot of fun. Jimmy im sure those kids are going to get a real kick out of you. Theyre, like, why did they spoil our jokes . [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, exactly, no. But i hear youre are a big fan of standup, right . I am, yeah. Actually, yeah. Jimmy yeah. What do who do you remember your first comedian you use to listen to . Um well, when i was growing up in toronto, we had a a great public library. And when i was a kid i guess i was, like, 15, 16 . I would go to the library and i would get albums and listen to comedy records. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy at the library . Yeah, like lenny bruce. And richard pryor. Jimmy yeah, you wouldnt ever you wouldnt have them at the house . Or just no, i was 16, man. I wasnt going to the store. Can i get the no i i had read about them. Heard about them. And just had a curiosity. And i would, you know i didnt have a lot of money back then. Jimmy no, of course. I mean, the library is the best. I had to go the library and listen to them. Jimmy im trying to figure out if i used to take out records at the library. But i remember going there. I mean