[ laughter ] huh. that's donald trump jr. just a chill, normal dude, who owns -- who owns a mask of his father's face. [ laughter ] i love you, don jr.! [ laughter ] the white house released the official portraits of president trump and vice president mike pence today. and they put one of steve bannon out on the front stoop. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in an interview yesterday, white house chief of staff, john kelly, said the civil war was caused by a lack of ability to compromise. even weirder, he said that pearl harbor was an air traffic control issue. [ laughter ] i don't know why we ever thought there was a reasonable person working in trump's white house. [ light laughter ] that's like going into a hot topic and asking to meet their rocket scientist. [ light laughter ] a white house official confirmed today that president trump will not visit the korean demilitarized zone during his upcoming trip to asia. in fact to prevent an international incident, trump's aides will just take him to panda express and tell him it's asia. [ cheers and applause ] their english -- you know, i just got back from asia, and their english is very good. [ laughter ] also, do you know they have an asia at laguardia? [ laughter ] according to a new poll, mitch mcconnell is the nation's least popular senator, which explains the festivities over at ted cruz's office. [ laughter and applause ] engineers at ford recently created a robotic butt. a robotic butt. [ light laughter ] designed to simulate the effect of sitting in a car seat for over a decade. said designers, right, that's why we made it. [ laughter ] who left the robot butt out? [ laughter ] do you like that, wally? you've enjoyed robot butt all day. [ laughter ] there's no time today that i've told the robot butt joke that wally hasn't laughed the loudest. [ laughter ] today was christopher columbus' birthday. and if you're wondering what to get him, how about something that already belongs to someone else? [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] chipotle offered $3 burritos today to any customers who ordered in their halloween costume. good news for the front of the horse, but terrible news for the back. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, during an interview with fox news, as we've mentioned, white house chief of staff, john kelly, said that the lack of ability to compromise led to the civil war. here to comment is one of our writers, amber, in a segment we call "amber's minute of fury." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> fool! the lack of compromise led to the civil war? lack of compromise? that's an awfully strange way to pronounce slavery. [ laughter ] it wasn't a lack of compromise that led to the civil war. a lack of compromise led to the mullet. [ laughter ] that's two different haircuts having a civil war on your head. [ light laughter ] and there is no winner. also, lincoln did try to compromise with slave owners. he offered tax breaks, suggested slavery be legal in a few states, and even proposed reparations for slave owners. you heard right. reparations to slave owners for losing slaves! now you know they off -- if they offered slave owners reparations, you know we ain't never gettin' any. [ light laughter ] in addition to all that, john kelly had the nerve to say, robert e. lee was an honorable man. honorable! his army kidnapped free black people and sold them into slavery. that is true. not a lot of people know that, because they left that part out of the statues! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look, if the civil war was due to a lack of compromise, letters home from the war would have sounded like this. ♪ dearest rebecca, i regret to inform you that we are going to war as compromise has failed. the south offered to only have slavery on monday, wednesday, friday. the north countered with slavery six days a week, but on the seventh day, the slaves were in charge. then we came back with what about on fridays we do casual slavery, and let the slaves wear flip flops? but alas, no compromise could be reached. please make sure my statue overlooks a payless shoe store. [ laughter ] and finally, general kelly, what are you doing? every sane person on both sides thought a respectable military man like you could be the voice of reason in the white house. tyra banks put it best when she said -- >> i was rooting for you! we were all rooting for you! how dare you! [ cheers and applause ] >> this has been "amber's minute of fury." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: amber ruffin, everybody. give it up! we have a great show for you tonight. from "anthony bourdain: parts unknown" on cnn, anthony bourdain is here. [ cheers and applause ] by far the best person to get from that show. she's the star of "you're the worst" on fxx. aya cash is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and his book "thank you for coming to hattiesburg," is available in paperback now. todd barry, a very funny man, is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] happy halloween, everybody. i hope you're enjoying spending it with us. we're certainly happy to have you here. my son, it's his second halloween and this year we decided he would dress up as a sailor. we made that decision because our dog, frisbee, already had a sailor costume. [ laughter ] so my wife -- i was at work all day so she sent me a picture of a couple of sailors. and you can tell by their expressions, neither of them are enjoying it very much. there they are, look at those two. [ audience aws ] [ applause ] later, though, ash went out on the street, and this next photo, i have to say, he looks like just a sailor on leave during fleet week, just very chill. [ laughter and applause ] pretty good. all right. let's move on, everybody. white house press secretary, sarah huckabee sanders, has been holding a lot of press briefings lately, but i don't think all the questions we need answered have been asked. so we decided to hold another one right here, right now. that's right. sarah huckabee sanders and the "late night" press corps are here in our studio and ready to go. so without further ado, it's time for the "late night white house press briefing." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: sarah, sarah. sarah! sarah, sarah, sarah, over here, yes. sarah, thank you. seth meyers, "late night with seth meyers." secretary sanders, why do you think the country is so frustrated with the trump presidency? >> it's because it should have ended yesterday. [ laughter ] >> seth: yesterday. great. [ cheers and applause ] what do you consider to be your main responsibility as white house press secretary? >> to create fake information. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: what are the -- what are the five words that scare chief of staff john kelly the most? >> the president tweeted this morning. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: what was president trump looking for when he was putting together his campaign staff? >> regular offenders that have been -- in massive amounts of trouble. [ laughter ] >> seth: how is the white house staff handling the new developments in the mueller investigation? >> they might start drinking. [ laughter ] >> seth: let's say hypothetically that donald trump was offered an immunity deal, but in order to get it, he had to incriminate his two sons, eric and donald. >> he'll take it. [ laughter ] >> seth: what's trump trying to hide with that long tie? >> probably a pretty big waist. [ laughter ] >> seth: so today is halloween and it seems the average iq in the white house jumped several points. why is that? >> we have some kids with us here today. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: is it true the white house is putting eric trump up for adoption? >> we're not there yet. we're still in that process. [ laughter ] >> seth: what do you say to donald trump to get him to show up to cabinet meetings? >> there will be lots of fun and i'm sure lots of candy. [ laughter ] >> seth: what does donald trump look for in a spray tanner? >> an enormous amount of coverage. [ laughter ] >> seth: when does president trump change his pants? >> i think that any time there is leaking. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: i heard arby's is looking for a new slogan. any ideas? >> all hat, no cattle. [ laughter ] >> seth: how is ivanka doing? >> tomorrow is her birthday. >> seth: actually, it was yesterday. >> i don't care. [ laughter ] >> seth: what did melania give president trump when she turned him down for sex on election night? >> inaugural balls. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: what would happen if i shaved off my eyebrows? >> they will come back stronger than ever before. [ laughter ] >> seth: i heard president trump sat on the toilet this morning without tweeting. >> this is another important milestone. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, there you have it. we're out of time. so on behalf on the rest of the press corps, have a good night. we'll be right back with anthony bourdain. 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[ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight, he was david letterman's drummer for almost 30 years on both nbc's "late night" and "the late show" for cbs. he continues to be a highly sought after session musician and his solo album "figments" was recently reissued and is available on itunes. anton fig, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] and this is very exciting, as well. helping us out today on bass, he is a member of the legendary new york rock band, the strokes as well as his own band, summer moon who will kick off a tour beginning november 6th in brooklyn. nikolai fraiture is here, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for filling in, nikolai, great to have you. >> thank you. >> seth: our first guest tonight is a chef, best-selling author, and host of the emmy and peabody award-winning series "anthony bourdain: parts unknown." new episodes air sunday nights on cnn. let's take a look. >> what is puerto rico? it's not a state. it's kind of like a colony, but it's not. >> it's not kind, it is. >> it is a colony. >> what is it for you? >> it's an unincorporated territory. >> unincorporated territory. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> so, you know, what's that? >> what is that? >> we're trying to figure out, sometimes. >> seth: please welcome back to the show, anthony bourdain, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> good. >> seth: it's always nice to see you. your show is very unlike -- there are a lot of travel shows. there's a lot of shows where people eat food on the road. yours is very different, because you are not -- you rarely talk with people who are selling anything. you're not dealing with tourist agencies. and -- but it must be difficult to find your way to the places that tour guides don't want to show you. >> well, we try really hard to get that right. we've learned a lot of lessons. some of them painfully over the years. you know, your local contacts on the ground, you know, they have to know the area. they have to have a sense of humor. they have to know what you're not looking for. you know, we're not looking to do top ten best lists or a fair and comprehensive overview. but, you know, some of the places that we go, you have a bad fixer, you're really in trouble. we learn -- like in sicily, we had a problematic fixer once. and, you know, he promised, "i'm going to take you to the best pizzeria in all of sicily, which, by the way, my brother owns." you know? >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> this is not what we're looking for. >> seth: right, exactly. how quickly do you know you have a dud fixer? >> uh -- pretty quickly. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, i think -- i'm not going to say which. we went to one country with a new yorker, who claimed to have deep roots in this area. had spent, you know, many years there, he said. and we showed up with him and all of the locals immediately -- like, they're talking to me and saying -- i could hear them say in spanish, "who is this jerk?" [ light laughter ] >> seth: you have -- i don't know if it was the fixer's fault. if it was your fault. if this is just a core fault of the governments that are mad at you. you have run afoul of some foreign governments. >> i have. you know, those -- [ laughter ] the worst-case scenario is when the government sort of tries to infiltrate your local crew and make things prettier than they are. you know. >> seth: oh, i see. >> so, you know, official bodies enter, and, you know, we're shooting with a the butcher in rural romania. you know, we like to do typical things with typical people. and we had a local butcher in a rural area of romania set to go with his family. apparently the government found out. they arrived the night before, unbeknownst to us. it's like, you know, your -- "you know, your house is not attractive enough. we move you to nicer house. dress your children." you know -- 8-year-old and 9 -- his 9-year-old sister. "dress them in traditional garb. make them dance for the americans. you know? [ laughter ] so it's just this painfully false, awkward -- making these terrified children dancing. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> like, little, you know, little humble figurines, yeah. >> seth: i remember that episode. and thinking, "i don't know if girls dance at romanian butchers but --" [ laughter ] >> "do not shoot stray dogs." you know? "do not shoot gypsies. only shoot, you know, new nice hilton hotel, cadillac." >> seth: that's great. when you said, "do not shoot stray dogs," i thought a different thing. [ laughter ] >> no, i'll be okay. >> seth: i forgot you have cameras. i forgot you have cameras. i was like, "no, i don't know, that seems pretty forward-thinking for the romanian government. [ laughter ] >> a big scandal. you know, of course, by trying to manipulate reality, you know, it ended up being a very tragically funny show. and i was all over the newspapers in romania as a kgb agent. mossad agent then cia agent. all at the same time but apparently -- >> seth: so probably not going back. [ light laughter ] >> never say never. >> seth: yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] if you're a mossad agent, you'll find your way back in. so um -- [ light laughter ] you -- so i also want to ask -- you went to puerto rico. >> yes. >> seth: and you went before the hurricane. >> yes. >> seth: but you had a sense of the trouble they were in even before this natural disaster. >> they were already in a -- look, this is a beautiful place. you know, puerto rican culture was so much of, you know, new york culture, american culture, when i grew up. if you heard spanish language in new york, it was a chance it was puerto rican. and yet they were stuck and still are stuck, even before the hurricane, in this bizarre financial limbo, where they found themselves so hideously in debt to these predatory hedge funds and foreign banks that they are now administered by a tiny, unelected group of people appointed by hedge funds and banks. who are free to say, you know, "we're taking the money from this school, that pension fund. you don't really need that public transportation, those hospitals close." because they're entitled by law to take whatever money they want in whatever way they want. and, you know, they get paid first before anybody else. so it's this -- they can't vote for president. they really have no power over their own destiny. and it's -- and this was before this terrible event. >> seth: it's a -- it's wonderful to even see -- get a sense of it. because i feel like, unfortunately, we tune into a story like that after a hurricane and then we don't really understand that these problems were deeply seeded, and the -- the hurricane only magnified what was a real problem. >> if nothing else, you know, i think what i'm proud of -- this show, because it shows when something terrible happens to a place, you know, this is who we're talking about. >> seth: yeah. >> these are the people that it's happening to. >> seth: the "new york times" reported your friend chef jose andres -- >> hero -- >> seth: he served more people -- he went down to puerto rico, he served more people than any aide agency. >> jose andres, a chef from washington, d.c. notable for being sued by donald trump. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> among his other many great accomplishments. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. right. [ cheers and applause ] >> went down to puerto rico, and without any funding, nothing, just -- he went first and just said, "i'm going to start feeding people, as many people as i can." and working with world central kitchen, a group who he has been heavily involved with for a long time in haiti and elsewhere. he's fed almost -- i think almost 3 million people. >> seth: yeah. >> far more hot meals than fema was able to provide. the salvation army at one point were asking him for food. it's a testament to what individual people can do, what chefs can do. and as always, he's an inspiration. >> seth: you speak about what chefs can do, and it does seem to me that there's unique qualities that make a great chef. and kitchens are a place you have to move fast and you have to make quick decisions which probably come in very helpful in times of crisis. in this now this cloud of sexual harassment that's -- all these stories that are coming out, you spoke and apologized to lending to this meathead culture that sort of prevailed in kitchens back when you started. what do you mean by that? what was the meathead culture? >> well, look, i came up in a very old european-based system, based on the military, called the brigade system. and it was largely male. it was frankly pretty brutal and oppressive. it was very, very difficult. i was proud of making it 30 years in that system. and when i wrote about it, i tended to, you know, glorify. i was proud of having -- >> seth: this is your book -- right in "kitchen confidential. >> "kitchen confidential." and, you know, i wrote a book that, you know, i stand by. and that it was an honest representation of what i saw, what i went through, what i -- you know, the voices i heard and my own voice at the time. but i gave, you know, people would come up to me after this book, at meetings. i knew i had a problem within a couple years, because people would come up in fans. and they'd high-five me with one hand and slide me a packet of cocaine with the other. and i'm like, "dude, did you not read the book? drugs did not work out so great for me." >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> so i think in some ways i kind of, you know, provided unwitting -- you know, i provided validation for a kind of meathead mentality, a bro -- you know, sort of meathead bro culture that, you know, has not been good, particularly for women. and, you know, i -- you know, i don't want to think i lowered the level of discourse, but i don't think i helped it. >> seth: well, i think it's interesting, because, you know, we have seen it in politics and we've certainly seen it in the entertainment industry and it's -- we sometimes forget that this kind of stuff is happening across all industries. specific to the food industry, do you think there's a chance that that culture will change? do you think -- >> i think it's going to have to change. you know, i think it's a lot to ask hearts and minds of, you know, fully grown men who have come up in this system, frankly very oppressive system. might be too late. but they're going to have to -- whether they like it or not, whether their hearts and attitudes have changed or not, they're going to have to contend with this. they're going to have to think about not -- you know, what is -- things that they see. you're going to have to -- you know, account for yourself. you know, what did i do when at that important moment, you know -- what did i say? what kind of a person was i? you're going to have to take responsibility for what you see, not just what you take part in. >> seth: well, i think it's great you're speaking out about it. i really appreciate it. and i'm just such a fan of the show. and thanks so much for being here. it's always such a pleasure seeing you. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: anthony bourdain, everybody! "anthony bourdain: parts unknown" airs sunday nights on cnn. we'll be right back with aya cash. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ sir jeremy, you are a true friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! madame susan, you are an even truer friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! what is that? this is a spiced honey mead wine that i have really been into lately. please follow, sir brad. he's going to give you a private tour of the pit of misery. i'm sorry, what? pit of misery! dilly dilly! dilly dilly! here's to the friends you can always count on. celebrat subway,sandwich day friday, november 3rd. buy any sub and 30-oz. drink and we'll give you another sub free, plus we'll donate a meal to feeding america. join our global live feed event to fight hunger. friday, november 3rd, at subway. a heart transplant... that's a whole different ballgame. i was in shock. i am very proud of the development of drugs that can prevent the rejection and prevent the recurrence of the original disease. i never felt i was going to die. we know so much about transplantation. and we're living longer. you cannot help but be inspired by the opportunities that a transplant would offer. my donor's mom says "you were meant to carry his story". whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. and all day all night protection. when it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. at ally, we're doing digital financial services right. but if that's not enough, we have more than 8,000 ally's looking out for one thing, you. call in the next ten minutes to save on. and if that's not enough, we'll look after your every dollar. put down the phone. and if that's not enough, we'll look after your every cent. grab your wallet. access denied. and if that's still not enough to help you save. ooo i need these! we'll just bring out the snowplow. you don't need those! we'll do anything, seriously anything to help our customers. thanks. ally. do it right. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest stars as gretchen in the critically acclaimed fxx show, "you are the worst" now in it's 4th season with new episodes airing on wednesday nights. let's take a look. >> what are you smiling about over there, like some sort of goony bird? >> jimmy and i fell asleep on the phone last night. >> awesome! so do you think we'll be in the same home room together next year? >> i know! it was just really nice. >> does that mean you're back riding that yogurt tube? >> i don't know! we'll see, i guess. >> well, what are you going to do about it? >> i'm not really a do something about stuff kind of person. i'm more like it's too late to buy a wedding gift so i'll just stop being friends with them kind of person. >> seth: please welcome to the show, aya cash, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome, aya! >> thank you. >> seth: you are here on our halloween show. >> i am. >> seth: and as you can see, we decorated. >> 'tis halloween-esque. >> seth: are you a fan of halloween? >> eh! >> seth: yeah, i'm with you. >> yeah, i always want to be. like i always regret that i didn't come up with something clever. >> seth: well, i think we live in an era where if you think of it even a month out, it's too late. because the people who really crush halloween are thinking about it so early these days. >> yeah. i -- i try -- i thought i would be dressing my dog up, because i'm that kind of person. >> seth: uh-huh. >> but the costume i had became a little kkk, so we -- >> seth: oh, really? >> it was a banana costume. >> seth: it was a banana costume, okay. >> yeah. >> seth: oh, but it comes to a point? >> yeah, it wasn't the right choice. [ laughter ] >> seth: but it was yellow, right? >> yeah. but very light yellow. >> seth: oh, okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] >> like white yellow. >> seth: that doesn't really speak to the era we're living in. that even light yellow, you go, "kkk." >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: i'm sorry that didn't work out. your dog is named lucy tammy cash? >> she sure is. >> seth: so, it's strange to have the full three names. you take it very seriously. >> yes, well, she was lucy cash. because we had to very quickly change her name from felicity when we were visiting the dogs in the rescue, her name was felicity which is a horrific name for a dog. >> seth: yeah, i think screaming felicity after your dog tells people way too much about you. [ laughter ] >> and takes so long. felicity! so we named her lucy cash, because my husband has no say. and i -- tammy comes from tammy taylor of "friday night lights." >> seth: okay, but, so that was added later? >> yes. that was -- once i had my wits about me. i realized i wanted the name to mean something. >> seth: oh, i see. so felicity you panicked, you had to move fast. so that's where lucy comes from. >> yes. >> seth: and later you realized, oh, i should name it after coach's wife from "friday night lights." >> yes. >> seth: yeah, you have a -- your dog, i have a photo of your dog on your director's chair there. that's a very cute dog. [ audience aws ] and is this often that you facetime with your dog? because there you are facetiming. there you are. >> yeah. yeah, i mean, i have to go away for jobs, so we facetime. my husband -- since i want to talk to her more than him, so. >> seth: yeah, i get it. my wife is very similar. >> you all understand. >> seth: yeah. you have neighbors who really take halloween seriously. >> yes, we do. >> seth: and at first i want to show -- what they -- this is their house this year? >> this is this year. >> seth: this is insanely great. that is a giant bat outside a house. but they also -- they use their powers of the -- like, i guess what would you call that? powers of decorating to burn you and your husband. >> yeah. so -- well, one winter, my husband and i came upstate, and there was snow on the ground, and there were these giant tracks in the snow. like big footprints. and we were like, oh, there's a giant monster bear that lives in our backyard! >> seth: right. >> and we were very freaked out and our neighbors came over and actually looked at the tracks and showed that, you know -- and tried to figure out what it was. and they all laughed at us, because they said, yeah, you have a bunny. >> seth: it was rabbit tracks? >> well, because bunnies hop. so there's two feet, and then they jumped. >> seth: uh-huh. >> so it looks like there's a big -- >> seth: well, it looks like there's a one-legged bear? [ laughter ] that would be one bear foot. >> you're on the neighbors' side, is what you're saying. >> seth: so, but then how do they get you, though? >> and i'm a city girl so like, i just don't -- >> seth: yeah, i get that part, right. >> so nature is not -- >> seth: yeah. >> i saw a milking cow for the first time. i thought it had a tumor. [ laughter ] so, you know, it's not my thing. >> seth: yeah. >> so, yeah. so they've been teasing about thinking that a bunny is a giant monster bear for a long time. and halloween that we were headed up, we got a phone call from them being like beware of that giant, you know, monster bunny. and we're like, ha ha. and we get to our house, and we go into the backyard, and we see something in the pitch-black. and it's like 6 feet tall, and we turn on our little iphone lights, like the city folk we are. and we shine the light. and there is a 6-foot-tall monster bunny in our yard. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and this is -- your neighbors built this and put that in your backyard. [ laughter and applause ] >> yeah. >> seth: that's really fantastic. you have such wonderfully crafty neighbors. >> yeah, they're all incredibly creative people who work normal jobs, and do this. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] i want to ask about this, because i'm going through this process now with our son. he's a year-and-a-half, he's starting to getting good with names. and my parents are trying to figure out what they want their grandparent names to be. and there's a lot of discussion. more than i care to have about this. but your grandmother had a fantastic name, which was champy. that's what you call your grandmother. and it was because your grandmother actually was a wimbledon tennis champ. >> yes. my grandmother won wimbledon. she won the u.s. open four times. >> seth: wow. >> so i guess when i was born, she didn't want to be called grandma. like all good narcissists in entertainment. and so she had me call her champy for champion. [ laughter ] and until i was like 11, i didn't know that that wasn't her real name. [ laughter ] because i was a little slow. i mean, i was a jewish kid who thought maybe there's a santa claus at that age. [ laughter ] and, yeah. and my other grandparents from bubby and zaidy, and i thought that was their names which is just jewish. >> seth: yeah. >> it's just jewish. it's just yiddish for grandma and grandpa. >> seth: champy is pretty great. but now i would say -- like when you find out the person who had that name is an actual champion, you can't use it for anybody else's. >> no, my mom makes my dog call her lola, because i say my dog is her grand dog. and -- and lucy doesn't speak english. [ laughter ] it's kind of a lost cause. >> seth: that's good, though -- lola is here. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> seth: it's such a delight to meet you. i really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] aya cash, everybody. "you're the worst" airs wednesday nights on fxx. we'll be right back with more "late night." 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(avo) when you really, really want the best get the pixel 2 for up to $300 off on google's exclusive wireless partner, verizon. california. the 12-cents per gallon expected to bring in an extra five billion dollars and be used for state and local projects. the world series is going to game 7. the dodgers, tied up the series against the houston astros. houston, never played a world series game seven. this will be the sixth world series game seven in dodgers ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. before we move on with the show, i wanted to take a moment and wish some of our viewers a happy birthday. these are real birthdays that were sent to us on twitter. but, and i'm so sorry to do this, i also need to use this time to talk directly to my neighbor, dennis, and get some stuff off my chest. [ light laughter ] i was going to do them both separately, but we are actually running a little short on time so i'm going to try to do them together. so just bear with me, please. happy birthday to acadia gaver of columbus ohio. i hope you have a special day. [ cheers and applause ] dennis! stop stealing the "new york times" from my front door. and, no, it's not okay if you return it the next morning with your name in all the headlines. [ light laughter ] i don't believe that yesterday you flew to russia to discuss sanctions with vladimir putin. [ laughter ] also, why do you fill in the crossword puzzle with numbers and the sudoku with letters. it's creepy. [ laughter ] order your own paper, dennis. [ applause ] happy birthday to evan morgan of portland, oregon. may all your birthday wishes come true, evan. [ cheers and applause ] dennis! [ light laughter ] i don't have a problem with you ordering chinese food at 2:00 in the morning. that's fine. but can you stop having screaming matches with the delivery guy about how he's, quote, boning you on the price? [ laughter ] the price is the price, dennis. also, we don't operate on a barter system. no one is going to ever agree to trade general tso's chicken for your old reo speedwagon cds. [ laughter ] just pay the man and eat your food, dennis! [ light laughter ] happy birthday to brittany ciavarella of new york, new york. we hope you had a fantastic day and an even better year. [ cheers and applause ] dennis! i'm going to nip this in the bud right now. don't knock on my door to trick or treat next year. i'm not going to give you candy. you're a 56-year-old man and i'm 99% sure you have diabetes. [ laughter ] also, if you are going to trick or treat, at least dress up as something. wearing a tank top and saying you're bruce willis in "die hard" is lazy. [ laughter ] it's lazy, dennis! [ cheers and applause ] happy birthday to michelle romis of hawley, pennsylvania. shine brightly, michelle, for you are the brightest star in our galaxy. [ cheers and applause ] dennis! our building has a doorman and security cameras. you don't need to booby trap your apartment. and don't say it's okay because the kid from "home alone" did it. you're not stopping burglars. also, edna from 12 g almost broke her hip because of the loose marbles in the hallway. stop it, dennis! [ light laughter ] [ applause ] happy birthday to abbey sammett of new york, new york. may the wind catch your sails and pull you into the port of happiness. [ laughter ] dennis! i have a message for your weird cousin, brett, who is always hanging around the building. brett! i'm not going to invest $1,000 in your new app, so stop asking me. you know why? because i don't think there's a market of people who want to rent fish from your aquarium. [ laughter ] finally, happy birthday, brett. i had a great weekend with your rainbow fish, charles, and your puffer, nemo. they were great rates and they're good fish. [ cheers and applause ] and happy birthday, everyone, whether it's your birthday or not. we'll be right back with todd barry. 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome! >> oh, thanks for having me, man. i just -- i'm excited i just got to meet anthony bourdain. >> seth: oh, that is exciting. [ light laughter ] >> why is that funny? i don't know why. [ light laughter ] anyway, we got to trade sort of brutal road stories. he was like, oh, yeah, i -- i once got bitten by a rattlesnake while i was eating its small intestine. and i was like, oh, yeah, well, i was once staying at a days inn in ogden, utah, and the breakfast buffet run out of captain crunch. [ light laughter ] so i win. >> seth: very, very similar experiences. >> yes. >> seth: i'm very glad to have you here tonight. this is our 600th show. you actually reached out on twitter the night of our first show. >> oh, i did. >> seth: and the morning of our first show, you were nice enough to say, hey, seth meyers, can i be the lead guest on your show tonight? i'll mark my calendar. #notjoking. #clearmycalendar. and then you can see that was 11:30 a.m., february 24th, 2014. so, i apologize that it's taken us this long. [ laughter ] >> i know you wanted to work out kinks before you brought me on. >> seth: yeah, i didn't want to have you out on a bumpy talk show. >> wow, i completely forgot about that. it's nice that i'm giving you a second chance. [ laughter ] >> seth: it is really nice. you actually made your television debut on this franchise when it was "late night" with david letterman. >> that's a true story. when i was 18, i was living in south florida. and letterman's show had just started and they had that viewer mail segment where they actually read actual letters. and this is when you would actually write a letter, 1982. so i thought, hey, this is a way to get on tv. and i was 18 years old, and i just wrote him a letter and i basically lied and said that i did a paul schaeffer impression. but the letter was something like, dear dave, here's the situation. i do an excellent impression of your band leader, paul schaeffer. a, fly me to new york, and pay for everything and i'll do it on your show. or b, call me and i'll do it over the phone. and he actually called me. >> seth: he actually called and we actually have tape. this is todd barry's television debut. >> near fort lauderdale. >> oh, well that gives us generally an idea. that's a nice area of the country there. i noticed, todd, the phone didn't ring. you just picked it up. did it ring there? >> yeah, that's the way that thing works. [ laughter ] >> seth: just being a wise ass. >> i know. [ applause ] it's crazy, because i -- at age 18, i was a wise ass to david letterman and now over 30 years later, i'm nervous talking to you. [ laughter ] >> seth: you were on, and then you were on letterman's show eight times. >> right. >> seth: doing stand up. >> right. >> seth: you've been doing stand up obviously for a long time. tonight is anniversary of sorts? >> actually, tomorrow, november 1st, is my 30th anniversary of the first time i did standup. >> seth: that's really exciting. [ cheers and applause ] it's really great. obviously, it speaks to what an important night that was for you that you remember it. like, that was obviously a night where you knew you were going to do something that mattered to you. >> i mean, at the time, i did. i -- i mean, yes, i did. no, i just -- it was a thing that was during the '80s and that you could -- they had all these open mics and there's comedy boom of the '80s. and you could literally just call up and go, "yeah, i want to be a comedian tomorrow." like, "okay, we'll see you tomorrow." [ light laughter ] so i did an open mic night at coconut's comedy club in north miami beach, florida. and i was armed with a blistering five minutes of circumcision and mcdonald's material. >> seth: wow, how was -- how did your circumcision stuff go over? >> it was good, because i was wise and i used the word "pecker." >> seth: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] >> so that really kind of went, oh, that was punchy, right? [ laughter ] >> seth: pecker in the '80s was a very fresh word. >> that guy is an edgy dude. >> seth: so you wrote your book. and you pay attention to things, i know, obviously, amazon is where people buy a lot of books. are you paying attention to reviews, ratings? >> i do. and then sometimes there's surprises, like, the day the paper back came out. i don't know if you have it -- >> seth: i have -- i have this. and i have -- i have your amazon page. >> oh yeah, look, this is real. >> seth: this is real. so here's your rating. very high rating. four and a half stars. that's great. >> number one new release, in dancer biographies. [ laughter ] >> seth: this does not -- >> yeah -- >> seth: look like a dancer's body. >> take that baryshnikov. >> seth: so, congratulations and we -- i mean obviously you have all these things you can expect with your book you probably didn't expect dancer biographies to be -- >> no, and i don't think i -- i maybe once danced at a wedding, like, 38 years ago. >> seth: yeah. did you put that in the book? >> i did. and that became a dance biography. [ laughter ] >> seth: one of the things you do is, you -- you use twitter. >> yes, i do. >> seth: i really enjoy you on twitter. >> oh thank you. >> seth: and you started a campaign. explain free stuff for todd. >> well, i -- [ laughter ] i feel like some people have guessed what it is. [ laughter ] it's a hashtag free stuff for todd, which is -- maybe i'm biased, but i think it's the ideal way for me to get stuff for free that other people pay for. >> seth: yeah. >> so i just write to companies, and i just basically make a little joke, and i say, send me what you make, and i'm not going to pay for it. >> seth: yeah, like, here you go. hey, here's one. hey, nespresso u.s.a may i have a free coffee maker. george clooney would put in a word for me, thanks. #freestufffortodd. [ light laughter ] >> that got nothing. >> seth: nothing. hey, drew barrymore, heard about barrymore wines. how about sending a sample to a fellow celeb? i was in "the wrestler." [ light laughter ] nothing? >> nothing. you're finding examples where it didn't actually work. >> seth: oh, yeah. i hope this one worked. i thought this was -- this was a sad story. hey, kind snacks, they give out your bars on flights to san francisco. dropped it on lavatory floor. please send a free case. [ laughter ] nothing. >> nothing. >> seth: what have you done? what's the best -- what's the best haul you've gotten from free stuff for todd? >> well i got a really high-end litter box. >> seth: oh, okay. [ laughter ] that's great. >> i got some pop chips. >> seth: oh, good. >> oh, free commercial. i got some chips. >> seth: wait. they send you free stuff for todd and you're not going to drop the product? >> well that's the beauty of the way i do it is that i will ask for stuff and then i won't do anything in return. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, so you never tweeted, like thanks for the stuff pop chips. >> no, no, because i feel like that's tacky to pose next to some pop chips. hey, everyone, who doesn't get stuff for free. >> seth: oh, i see. >> look what i got for free. >> seth: so you want the stuff for free, you don't want to make a big show of it. >> right. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i feel like you think there's some holes in what i'm saying. >> seth: no, i just feel like, we maybe, i feel like the next round of free stuff for todd might go worst based on how honest you're being about how little you're going to give back. >> oh, my god, you're right. >> seth: yeah. >> i always -- i get a billboard out. [ laughter ] and i pay for a full-page ad in the "new york times." >> seth: just send your stuff to todd. he's worth it. thank you so much for being here. i really appreciate it. todd barry, everybody. "thank you for coming to hattiesburg" is on sale now wherever books are sold. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ what if home security was different? what if it looked different? what if the measure of working, was that you never had to think about it. ♪ what if it was so easy to use, you actually used it. [alarm] you have 3 minutes to exit. what if it gave you time, and what you really need from home security. a sense of security. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to anthony bourdain, aya cash, todd barry, everyone! anton fig, nikolai fraiture, the 8g band. see you tomorrow, everybody. stay tuned for carson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey what's up folks! it is 1:35 in the morning and that means it's time for "last call." i'm carson daly. stationed here at hyde on the sunset strip for our show.