President obama pardoned two turkeys for thanksgiving yesterday which is scary because one of those turkeys told the parole board that he would kill again. [ laughter ] according to a report from the calorie control council, the average american will eat upwards of 3,000 calories during thanksgiving dinner. Of course, the next day its back to the usual 2,900. [ laughter ] the 90th annual macys thanksgiving day parade was today. And performers included tony bennett and the muppets. Its nice to meet you, mr. Bennett, said a fan to someone that wasnt tony bennett. [ laughter ] jeweler, helzberg diamonds is running a promotion where youll get a free xbox if you spend over 1,000. Or you can spend less than 1,000 and youll just get a free ex. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] nasa engineers are reportedly working on a fuelless engine that could theoretically take astronauts to mars in less than 70 days. In other words, less time than it took you to get home for thanksgiving. [ laughter ] apple has announced that it will be offering surprise black friday deals this year. While samsung announced surprise fire sales. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ive never been more confident that a joke is going to work. [ laughter ] than the joke im about to do right now. [ light laughter ] Justin Bieber punched a fan in the face this week in barcelona. [ light laughter ] authorities there have charged him with athault. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sometimes sometimes you just know you got a good one. [ light laughter ] and finally, the president of south korea is facing public outrage after it was discovered that she used government money to buy over 350 viagra tablets. Her staff could face stiff penalties. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. A continuing thanksgiving tradition here on the show, my family is here. The guests tonight are hilary meyers, my mother, larry meyers, my father, and my brother, josh meyers. We will also be playing another edition of our hit game show how well do you know your meyers . So youre here on a fantastic night. Also this year the thing i am most thankful for is my beautiful wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. And, well im the father for a first time. And its fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] this time of year. It is fantastic to have family. And a lot of people have said, will you have your baby, ashe, on the show for thanksgiving . About the same amount of people always ask, will you have your dog, frisbee, on the show for thanksgiving . And, the reality is it is past ashes bedtime. So he cant be here. And frisbee is scared of everyone and all things. [ light laughter ] but i did not want to deny everyone our awesome baby and our awesome dog. So here is ten seconds of my baby dressed as a turkey and my dog dressed as a pilgrim. [ audience aws ] [ cheers and applause ] seth i think if you watched that, you could tell if my baby could talk, he would be saying this is great, i love this. And my dog would be saying i will murder you in your sleep. [ light laughter ] anyways, that brings me to this. I am 42 years old. Im married now. I have a baby, but nothing, nothing makes me feel older than when i dont know the new slang terms teenagers are using. And this day these days, it seems like teen slang terms are evolving so fast that it is impossible to keep up and there are some new terms that are actually, these are new teen slang terms that are actually inspired by thanksgiving. So we here at late night decided to give you a little primer on these new teen slang terms in a segment we call seth explains teen slang thanksgiving edition. [ cheers and applause ] lets start with this one. Cornucopia. This is a popular new teen slang term, lets see what it means. The array of drugs you brought with you to survive holidays with the family. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence, i have xanax, and weed but if grandpa starts talking trump, im gonna have to break out the vitamin k. Corncucopia. [ scattered applause ] moving on, our next thanksgiving teen slang term is touch football. Heres the definition, when you bring your Girlfriend Home for thanksgiving, but youre scared of your parents walking in so you just do over the shirt stuff. [ light laughter ] lets see it in a sentence, mom kept kicking in the door asking if we were hungry while me and melissa were inside. Luckily we were just playing some two handed touch football. [ light laughter ] moving on, our next slang term is cranberry sauced. Lets see what it is, its when your aunt gets drunk before the turkey is even out of the oven. [ laughter ] lets see it in a sentence, the whole family hadnt even arrived yet and aunt linda was already stripped down to her bra singing i will survive. cranberry sauced. Next up, some of you may have heard of a turducken which is a chicken, stuffed into a duck, stuffed into a turkey. Well this new slang term is turduncle. And its a relative who gained so much weight since last thanksgiving, it looked like they swallowed a person who swallowed another person. [ light laughter ] for example, uncle pete sat down to thanksgiving dinner looking like he ate uncle jeff and uncle dave. [ light laughter ] turduncle. Our next term is mayflower. Heres the definition, a car full of white people driving to an indian restaurant. [ laughter ] for example, hey, josh, tyler and brad, i could really crush some saag paneer right now, fire up the mayflower. [ scattered applause ] next up we have, pumpkin pious. It means the person at the dinner table who insists you say a prayer. For example, moms weird friend crystal wouldnt let anyone start eating dinner until i said grace. Somebody tell that bitch, we jewish. [ light laughter ] pumpkin pious mezuzah on the door [ laughter and applause ] our next teen slang term is, leftovers. Heres the definition, the kids from your hometown who never left. [ laughter ] for example, dont go to the diner on first street when youre home for thanksgiving, everyone there is a leftover and they want to catch up. [ light laughter ] next up, we have pardoning your turkey. What does it mean . Well its when you were planning to masturbate but then decide to not to at the last minute. Lets see it in a sentence, i locked myself in the bathroom but when i closed my eyes all i could see was my topless aunt linda singing i will survive. decided to go ahead and pardon my turkey. [ applause ] our last teen slang term is macys parade. Its when your cousins go outside and smoke weed and then float back into the house. [ laughter ] for example, sean and patrick disappeared for, like, two hours during thanksgiving, then they hovered into the house and ate the full turkey before dinner. Macysparade. That was seth explains teen slang thanksgiving edition. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] hi, were the hulford quads. laughter were in 8th grade. Technology is the only thing that really entertains us. Im gonna use this picture on sketchbook, and im going to draw mustaches on you all. Using the pen instead of fingers, it just feels more comfortable for me. Be like, boop its gone. I like that only i can get into it and that it recognizes my fingerprint. Our old tablet couldnt do that. It kind of makes you feel like youre your own person, which is a rare opportunity in my family. laughter kohlso shop anytime forours the best gifts ever and earn kohls cash. Pick up a bb8 and get 20 kohls cash the fitbit blaze and get 30 kohls cash or a ps4 and get 50 kohls cash. 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[ growling ] [ laughter ] now, if i may before we continue, theres something i have been meaning to get off my chest for a while now, and, well, you know, i usually dont air my personal opinions on the show and this one has actually gotten me in trouble in the past. But im sorry, i have to say this, thanksgiving is too close to christmas. At this point in the broadcast, seth launched into a 60 second obscenity laden tirade about thanksgiving and his opinions about its proximity to christmas. Network policy prevents us from broadcasting his comments, but due to a technical issue, we were unable to edit this portion of the show. In summay, seth believes having two turkeyeating holidays within a month of each other is totally wack. [ light laughter ] he suggested the Fitness Industry was in bed with the holiday industry, just trying to fatten people up to sell gym memberships in january. [ light laughter ] he paused to wonder who benefits most from this arrangement saying i bet santa gets all the free equinox classes he wants, which probably isnt a lot. Lets face it, dude is a chunker. [ laughter ] seth then turned his aggression towards thanksgiving food, claiming you cant spell stuffing without fu. [ light laughter ] which is accurate, however, he also claimed you cant spell oboe without boobie which is inaccurate and also irrelevant. [ light laughter ] seth then began listing things hed rather do than go shopping on black friday. A list that included fistfighting a gorilla, sticking his junk inside a nutribullet and drinking an entire bottle of window cleaner. [ laughter ] then sensing the audience didnt believe him, he lifted up a bottle of window cleaner, unscrewed the top and drank nearly all of the bottle. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers ] he quickly followed this by saying, and yes, mr. Demille, i am ready for my closeup. [ light laughter ] seth then turned to the closeup camera and smiled the worst smile you ever did see. [ laughter ] seth then complained that having to see your family twice in two months was just too exhausting, claiming theyre always up in my grill. At which point seths brother, josh, came out from backstage and said you invited us here, buttmunch. [ light laughter ] to which seth replied dont call me buttmunch, douchenozzle. [ light laughter ] to which josh replied, dont tell me what to do, fartknocker. [ light laughter ] to which seth replied, try and stop me, chodesmoker. [ light laughter ] to which josh replied, make me, turdburglar. To which seth replied, eat my farts, dillweed. To which josh replied, ooh, dillweed . Thats quite the insult coming from a dillhole. [ light laughter ] dillhole was apparently a step too far and seths feelings were so hurt that josh felt immediate guilt. [ audience aws ] realizing he had crossed the line, josh began apologizing profusely. Things seemed to calm down as they went in to hug, but then josh kneed seth in the dick. [ laughter and applause ] at this point, seths mother said, larry, we have to do something about this. To which seths father replied, im going to give my love to the winner. [ laughter ] nbc would like viewers to disregard seths opinions about thanksgiving, as they do not reflect the Networks Position and do not make any sense. We now resume our broadcast. Seth and you can take the heat and keep your turkey out of my kitchen. Woo that felt good to get off my chest. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] psh psh lunch is ready campbells spiderman soups. Made for real, real life. Thanks mom vo its the holidays at verizon, and the best deals are on the best network. With no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you dont use. And right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only 40 per line. 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[ light laughter ] so i want to start by saying, were going to obviously talk about our family a lot. Everything we will say tonight is honest and truthful. And i feel like we need to say that. Because as youve pointed out in the past, there was a time where i took some liberties with our Family History. Yes, its true. In seventh grade you had to write a Family History, which all the kids said it was a big yearend project. Other kids are interviewing their grandmothers and grandfathers and so we kept saying to you, hows it coming . You say, yeah its coming, its good. Its good. Want to call grandma . Yeah, ill call. Want to look at family albums . Yeah. [ light laughter ] and so, and hilary was a teacher in the same school that he went to, so if he didnt do a good job, she was going to take hear about it. Seth yeah. And, but anyway, the night before, hows the Family History coming . Im all set. We go to bed, we wake up, we could hear the printer in the morning printing. [ light laughter ] so like really good parents, we completely forgot about it and the school year was over and hilarys cleaning out the backpack and i come home from work and she said, heres the Family History. So i start, i read the first page. At the bottom it says i cant wait to turn the page. The teacher wrote this. So we flip it, read the second page. At the bottom, it says what an interesting family. Now, the highlight of the second page was that my grandmother who emigrated from lithuania with about two kopeks to her name, according to his history, she was an olympic equestrian. [ laughter ] and, anyway, yeah its seventh grade. Its four, five pages. He comes home that night and i remember saying to you, i said, well, i read your Family History. You said, dad, i got an a, it was really good. [ light laughter ] and i said, yeah, but its not our family. [ laughter ] and he said, what were they going to do, fact check it . [ laughter ] seth i took advantage. He took advantage. Seth i took advantage of a hole in the system. Thats right. [ light laughter ] seth i should mention, by the way, you have a cocktail right there, mom. I have a cocktail here. Do you guys have your cocktails there . Yeah ill get you one, here you go. Seth theres yours. I kind of seth oh youre nervous. You dont want to have a drink yet . Im too nervous. Last year we did this in the daytime. And it was much easier for me. But now, what time is it at night . I mean ive seth well the fact that you dont know is troubling. [ laughter ] also backstage [ inaudible ] yeah, but she has asked me what time it is three times. In the last half hour. Seth i think the more problematic thing was her saying, its so much easier to have a drink in the daytime. [ laughter ] i didnt say that. Seth all right, now i want to ask her this, because i think a lot of people are at home right now might be going to High School Reunions. Thats something that happens over thanksgiving weekend. But both of you have your fifty year reunion this year. 50th high school, yes. Seth and you both went to each others High School Reunion and josh, dad called you called me from moms phone, so, at hers. Yes. So we call my mother, hurry. Its a nickname. And so my phone rings, and it says hurry. I answer, i say hurry. Because thats what you do. [ light laughter ] but it was my father, it was yarry. Hes like, hey, im at this reunion, its awful. [ light laughter ] i dont know anyone. These people are so old. Im like, theyre exactly as old as you are. [ laughter ] hes like, i dont know, man, they look old. [ light laughter ] and i was driving, i was going to a friends house to watch the College Football game and hes like, like, can you do you want to talk . I was like, well, i mean, ill talk for the rest of this drive. And hes like, ill do anything to not i dont want to go back in hes like, i can see how much i remember of green eggs and ham, like ill do anything right now. Seth there you go. Yeah. Seth now, but you, you found out about a guy you had a crush on. Yes. Seth he wasnt at the reunion, right . No i havent seen him since high school. Seth this was your high school crush. Yes. Se