I set all the fires redheads unite and kill all the other hair colors back to you, chuck. [upbeat news broadcast music] [gasps] theres my little star all my friends saw you on tv oh, im exhausted. I was up all night recording vocals for dj snakes brother, dj worm, and my voice is already shot from doing that ted talk on the power of chillaxing. Tonight, im serving as a celebrity referee at Susan Sarandons ping pong nightclub. Huh. That last one sounds made up. Are you working on any dope side projects, chuck . Well, actually, in june, i am giving the commencement address at the Braithwaite School for troubled boys. Wonderful news, everyone. Kevin has been indicted for serial arson. Oh, my god. Obviously, we need a new field reporter asap, so if anyone has any ideas we dont need someone with a ton of experience. Basically, if they can string four words together, the job is theirs. Me could go camera. [deep voice] katie could do it. [normal voice] ha thats an interesting idea. Who said that . [deep voice] i did. Im a talent scout. [normal voice] well, what are you doing at our morning meeting . Do you want to do it, katie . Just for today . No, thanks. Good. What . Why . Youve got nothing going on. I read your texts. Theyre all from the Dominos Pizza tracker. Because i would like to produce a story. Ive been working a source at the nra, and i think hes finally willing to do an interview. Okay. That does sound better than your last piece about the cat who dialed 912 and everyone died. There is one more thing. The network has received quite a few angry phone calls from older viewers about our theme song. Really . I think our theme songs zazzy. Unfortunately, elderly people who complain about things are our key demographic. Were gonna need a new theme song. New theme song, eh . You know, i play. Guitar. But i think youd be great on the show mom, stop following me. I have no desire to be on camera. I think youre just scared because of what happened last time you tried to be a star. [upbeat music] katie, dance like no ones watching even though everyone is and the stakes couldnt be higher. Naa nana nana nananana nanana nanana nananana yes here come the hot stepper, nanana im the lyrical gangster, murderer [mumbles lyrics indistinctly] murderer like it like that murderer no no we dont die oh, no. She forgot it. Anyone test will hear boo boo [groans] mom, im not scared. I just dont want to be a field reporter, and honestly, i dont want you to go back to being an insane stage mom. Oh, please. I wasnt insane enough. If i had pushed you harder, you wouldve won little miss new jersey and little miss america and that other pageant that turned out to be for dwarves. I didnt want to do any of those. Only because you were afraid of your own greatness. Youre not gonna make that mistake again. Yes, i am. Oh, so you admit that its a mistake. Well, case closed, judge joe black. Or is it brown . You know, the. [whispers] black one. Okay, mom, mom, im not doing it. Okay. What do you say to this . Believe in your dreams . Why do you have this . Oh, katie, i just dont want you to be on your deathbed and look over at me and say, i shouldve gone for it, mom. New theme song, eh . You know, i play guitar. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Listen to the rock. Im definitely not gonna regret it, and im not making my life decisions based on advice from a rock [rock thuds] im coming. [whimsical music] is someone playing a prank on me . Because its very funny, and i definitely get it believe in your dreams . Thank you im writing the new theme song, and thats final. If frasier can do it, so can i. For lunch, i wanted tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Its not because of the song. Hey, whats greg doing . Screen testing new field reporters. Do you speak any english at all . Ja. Well be in touch. I cant believe you dont want to do it, katie. Yeah, i dont know. I just never really wanted to be on camera. Plus, i have this nra piece that i think its 2017. The only people that dont want fame and attention are molesters and not even. Josh duggar and jared fogle have that new reality show property pervs. Youre the only one. Okay, whenever youre ready. Hi, im gordy smurch, and today, im reporting on boogers, ew thank you so you havent found anyone yet, huh . No. The talent pool is thin, katie. Theres just too many news shows. Cnn had to give 10 00 to the damn daniel guy. Oh, this guy looks normal. Okay, go ahead. Could you do it without the dummy . You heard him, dummy. Get lost. Could you please fill in, katie . Buy me some time. I dont know. Every time i do Something Like this, my mom just gets way too into it. This one time, i was in the background of a girls gone wild video, not naked, just using a metal detector, and she bought, like, a thousand copies. Please, katie, for the show. Fine. Fine, but just temporarily. Were back in business, baby what . Why do you have that . Ive never taken it off. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter can you hear it . This ice cold coke is calling you. Im just a dollar. At mcdonalds. Come get me. Dont let the ice cold, deliciously refreshing coke down. Its waiting for you. And the clock is ticking. So go now like, right now and get any size soft drink for just 1. Only at mcdonalds. Has crazy low prices. Do you know how we do it . How . Bargainomics say, if california has a bumper crop and produces too many oranges. Or a winemaker in sonoma suddenly has 1000 bottles too many. Weve got namebrand, topquality groceries priced 4070 off every day. Bargainomics. Thats our Business Model. And our Business Model is. Delicious. Grocery outlet bargain market fat this midtown hotellobe to celebrate. The 20th anniversary of dunston checks in, which this reporter urges all of you to check out. In manhattan, im katie wendelson. Back to you, chuck. All back to you, chuck all right, everyone, go get some dessert, and then well rewind and watch it for the sixth time. Dave, open that wine youve been saving for your retirement you got it, dear congratulations. Thanks, angie. You know, now that you have such a cool job, i may set you up with my nephew, the one that killed all those possums under my deck. Ralphie asked about me . Uh, no. Mom, why is that woman glaring at you . Oh, her . Thats my nemesis, judy. She is so jealous because youre on tv. Her daughters just a stupid senator. I am so proud of you, katie. You made me so happy tonight aw, thanks, mom. You know what, it wasnt even that bad. I got my makeup done, a mean girl from middle School Approved my friend request. See, i told you this was gonna be a good thing. Yeah, and ive never had so many people say good job. You never hear that as a producer. Sometimes, i sit on my own hand and then pat myself on the back so it feels like a strangers doing it. Oh. Wait. What . With portia scott griffin. Stan, youve been at the nra for 30 years . What . They did my nra interview without me . But i was out in the field. I didnt write any questions. So lets get right to it. What is, like, the coolest gun in the world . Oh, no. She produced it herself. You know, i once shot a bazooka in a taylor swift video. Is there a question . No. Do you have any questions for me . Um, whats Taylor Swift Like . Well oh, my god. Shes screwed it all up. I lost a huge story cause i was doing some stupid thing to make you happy. Aw. No, mom, not aw. Im never going on camera again. What . Hey. Can i have a picture with the tv star . Yes. [camera shutter clicks] and tomorrow, i am marching into gregs office, and i am telling him that this is over. [phone chimes] oh, ralphie texted back. He said, she wishes and four toilet emojis. [light orchestral music] [elevator bell dings] [grunting] hey, who are you, the janitor . Clean up these papers that someone else threw on the ground. No, im the editor, justin. Havent i seen you going through the garbage . No. Oh, wait. The garbage . Yeah. Cool guitar. [strums chords] thats her way of saying thank you. Okay, well, see ya. Im actually writing a new theme song for the show. Its going really well. Cool. Lets hear it. All right, you got me its going horribly its not fair. People only see me as one thing, a serious newsman, but im so much more im a musician im a painter. Im a dirty standup. Im a dirty magician. Im an xrated hypnotist. Okay, well, see ya. Portia gets all these opportunities to be creative. She was the news anchor in two different batmans but not me. Finally, i get my opportunity to write a song to show a different side of myself to the world, and im blowing it wow, chuck, i didnt know you were that into music. [exhales] well, you know how the old saying goes, all news anchors want to be rock stars and all rock stars want to be news anchors. You know, im actually in a band myself. Okay, well, see ya. No, what i meant was i can help you write the song, if you want. You would do that . You know what, youre all right, janitor. [upbeat music] greg, that was my nra interview. Good morning. How could you let portia do it alone . Thats like letting a baby shoot a gun, which happened at the end of the interview. You were out in the field. Well, not anymore. I officially quit being a field reporter. No, you dont. The network called. They loved you. What . They wanted you to take over the position permanently. Why . I wasnt even that good. Yeah, i have no idea why. Im sure its only because because what . Well, you know, you did look not ugly on camera. Greg, come on. You know me, i dont care how hot i look on camera. Never said hot. Im sorry, but unless you start a fire and join the redhead army, which kevin is somehow mobilizing from prison, you are the new field reporter. [groans] stupid slamming bod. Never said slamming bod its straight talk. If you love your phone but hate your bill. Do something about it no, not that. Straight talk wireless lets you keep your phone, number and 4g lte network for a lot less, with the bring your own phone activation kit. Its time to ask yourself. Why havent i switched . Unlimited talk, text and data for fortyfive dollars a month, no contract. Straight talk wireless. Only at walmart. They to grandmas houseternoon, theyre bound. The car is filled with music, that classic disco sound. And on their little faces, only smiles could be found. Goldfish crackers. The snack that smiles back. [customer] have you ever walkedp into the paint store feeling like you should really know more than you know . Satin versus semigloss, and. I dont know [team member] yes. I know the feeling. [customer] thats how i feel right now about all the Financing Options for this project im doing. I feel like i should know more than i know. [team member] dont sweat it. We have this new toolmy credit options guide that gives you a customized comparison like this, which helps you discover which credit options might be right for you. [customer] oh, this is better. They should make one for paint. [team member] want to get started . [customer] sure. Last night was the release party for my new young adult novel. Cool. Whats it about . I dont know. Like, a elf or something. Sounds like youre pretty busy, portia. But so have i chucks been up for 36 hours. I managed to put a Little Something together for the new theme song, so why dont you take a listen . I dont think were gonna get many complaints on this one. You may fire when ready. [upbeat rock music] its the afternoon dinners coming soon but first you need to get some information kids are home from school, turn on something cool were the raddest news team in the nation hearing bad news can take a toll without a little bit of rock and roll breakdown, give me a breakdown get a hot takedown and tell those cnn clowns to jump in a lake [guitar solo] chuck is number one, chuck is really fun hes beloved in the midwest and on every coast chuck has shot a gun, chuck can bench a ton chuck is super cool and portia is another host if you wanted to be bored, im sorry who says the news cant be a sexy party . Im sorry, how long is this . Its as long as rock and roll. Breakdown, give me a breakdown having a breakdown having your cake town and eating it too breakdown cause when you break it down im not a newsman im all of you 4 minutes and 35 seconds. Wow, it felt much longer than that. Well, what do you think . [laughs] yeah, its just our current theme song is six seconds long. I think were looking for something a bit more, like dodo, babadumbumbum. Ooh, thats not bad. Of course. I get it. You should probably just hire a musician to do it. Im just a newsman. Excuse me, everyone. [soft dramatic music] damn you, rock you made a fool of me are you. Magic . [horn honking] see, honey . I was right all along. You keep trying to limit yourself, and the universe just wont let you. Yeah, i guess so. Okay, next thing we need to do is work on your hair and your makeup and the way you say water. Whats wrong with how i say woda . Ohh. And please take off those dumb bird earrings. Theyre wearing you. Yeah, and we need to get you a new catchphrase. Back to you, chuck is getting a little stale. How aboutooh, we have the meats isnt that an arbys slogan . I thought of that independently. Okay, there you are. Why am i getting nervous . I dont care about this. Oh, dont you be nervous. You are amazing, sweetie. Thats why all those people called in about you. Wait, what people . All the people that called the network just to say how great you were. Who told you that . Greg said he didnt know why the network wanted me. Oh, gregs boss told me. Oh, yeah . Whats his name, mom . John Jacob Jingleheimer schmidt. Schmidt. Liar, liar, capris on fire okay, fine i called the network. Me and everyone in the viewing party. Angie and barb and pat and that twofaced bword, judy. She wants to be my friend now but why would the Network Listen to you . Well, you know what greg said. Old complainers are the breakdowns key demographic. Hey, we are live in 90 seconds. Oh, my god, mom, you are unbelievable. I know. No, you know what . Im not doing my report. I quit. What . No. Come here. You are not gonna quit i will not let you therell be a hundred calls, a thousand calls. You dont know how many women i know with endless free time on their hands. How do you think curly sue won the voice . [gasps] it was us anyway, break a leg, pumpkin [ominous music] get whatat olive garden. Ss new early dinner duos for just 8. 99. Choose from over 50 delicious combinations. And all the salad and breadsticks you want. From 35 monday through thursday. Hurry in, its early dinner duos. Only at olive garden. Youll be amazed what happens when you pu your red nose on. You help ensure that children in the u. S. And around the world are safe, healthy and educated. This red nose day, swing by walgreens and get your noses on to help end child poverty. Walgreens. At the corner of happy and healthy. Waxed and shined. Els to be treated like a trophy. We have seen the glory come, go, and come again. But a cadillac is no trophy. What you see is our future, and it will inspire every car that follows. What makes Wendys Baconator different . While the other guys use frozen beef from far away. Wendys only serves fresh beef from ranches close by. So we dont have to freeze it. Add six strips of thick, applewood smoked bacon. And Wendys Baconator isnt just different, its deliciously different. And Wendys Baconator isnt just different, t. J. Maxx asks, shes pretty and nice like me. She is special. He knows me better than my husband somedays. My mom likes pink. Mommy loves roses. Its a surprise. You picked this out by yourself . Its a purse. I know you love purses. I do celebrate the unique mom in your life, with values everyone will love. Happy mothers day i knew this would happen you are like a drug addict, mom. Only, your drug is imagining me playing charades with jane lynch on hollywood game night. Oh, so what . Im addicted to fame, and i aint going to rehab unless i get to share a room with kim richards. This is just like when i did pageants, and you wouldnt let me quit. What . Thats why i had to pretend to forget the hotstepper. [gasps] yeah, thats right. I couldve done the hotstepper that day. I could do it right now. That is not true one minute to air well talk about this after your report. Good luck [suspenseful music] play here comes the hotstepper by ini kamoze. Naa nana nana, nana nana wait, what are you doing . Im ending this the only way i know how. Here come the hot stepper, murderer im the lyrical gangster, murderer pick up the crew ina de area, murderer still love you like that, murderer oh, my god, shes flawless. We dont die she did know that dance. She just wanted to lose the pageant. Will hear the fat lady sing damn it that song is so good. I know what bo. Im also proud to announce that i recently joined the cast of nbcs live primetime adaptation of bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Congratulations. What an exciting opportunity for you to bring in the noise and all of the, uh, the funk as well. Okay, and were going to katie in im the daddy of the mack daddy what the hell is she doing . Wendelson, cut it out were going live to you in 20 seconds no, youre not. Not until my mom gives up her dream of making me famous. I cant give it up. Not now. Not ever. Wayne, why are you panning to carol . Then im doing this dance on the air im gonna make sure no one wants me on camera ever again this madness ends now great the wendelsons are ruining the show again. But at least theyre engaging in dialogue about past trauma. What . Go stand over there touch them up and go uhoh obviously, we cant run that. Richard, how much time have we got to fill . About 4 minutes and 35 seconds. Oh, god. Hey, thats the exact length of the yes, i know what its the exact length of go over there and there were no survivors but also no deaths since no one was there. Chuck . Thank you, portia. We go now to. Chuck, were playing your song i was wrong its amazing the World Premiere of our amazing new theme song get ready to rock, america its the afternoon, dinners coming soon but first you need to get some information you know, my biological father and i dont really have a relationship anymore, but the time i spent with you, chuck he cant hear you get out of this room [upbeat rock music] well, that was terrible, but at least its over. Weve got the flash of a dirty magic show is this your card, sir . It is well, i thought so heyoh katie, im sorry. I never shouldve forced you to do those pageants. I really thought its what you wanted to do. I know. I know, mom. The truth is i just wanted you to be able to pursue my dreams. My dreams. I keep getting it wrong. My dreams. Hey, mom, do you think its possible that being on camera is your dream . Me . On camera . Oh, give me a break. I really think im too old for that. Mom, you got a job in cable news with no experience at age 60. Who says this dream is out of reach . I dont know, katie