Youre probably thinking, whiebd i help you . Scar is selfish and greedy and has a huge ego and hangs around with hid owes henchmen, and whats that weird thing on his head . So, yeah, were going to get along great its the late show with stephen coper. Tonight, stephen welcomes michael wehe and musical guests the pretenders. Jon batiste and stay human. Now live from ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause hey sit down thank you very much welcome to the show oh, my goodness. Oh, my good mess. Welcome to the late show. I am happy to be your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause . Did everybody have a good weekend . cheers and applause i had a nice one, too. I carboloading. Just to work everything out. laughter i took the last couple of days off. Nice, didnt do much, hung out with friends, made a pie. Jon what kind of pie. Stephen but, you know, had to work all weekend. Jon uhhuh. Stephen donald trump poor guy cant catch break. He didnt know being president was a fulltime job. laughter first, he agreed to a 25 million settlement in the settlement, okay . audience booing settlement. So he didnt technically lose, he settled. Just like how he didnt technically win the popular vote, america settled. applause see, trump was sued for fraud by students at his forprofit school, Trump University. The fightin payday loans i dont know who the mascot is. I dont know who their mascot is. The fightin grabbers laughter yeah. Yeah. Jon hey, hey my man hey stephen i didnt say what he was grabin, man laughter one of the many allegations in this suit was that trump advertised he would personally handpick instructors and then under oath admitted he did not pick seminar leaders. Even though he clearly said he never settles, trump doesnt see this as a loss. On saturday morning he tweeted, i settled the Trump University lawsuit for a small fraction of the potential award because as president i have to focus on our country. Yes, a small fraction. Trump paid 25 million of 40 million they were seeking. And 25 million is a small fraction of 40 million, if you learned math at Trump University. cheers and applause . Jon yeah, i got ya stephen with the lawsuit settled, the students of Trump University have finally finished their educations. So id like to take a moment, to directly address the final graduating class at trump organ music cheers and applause graduates of trump u, as you leave these hallowed hotel ballrooms to start your lives and then restart your educations at an actual school, you will be entering a troubled world. For example donaru president , but you are uniquely poised to take on that challenge because real world experience is the best teacher, and youve been conned by a master. The connections youve made here will last a lifetime. Look to your left, and look to your right. Those are the people youll be splitting the settlement money with. And i hope that you will take the lessons of Trump University with you. The future is what you make of from a man who cant sell vodka and steaks. You know what everyone loves . Booze and meat. So, go out there and be shining examples of Trump Universitys timeless motto carpe crotchem. Thats my time everybody take a diploma from the bin by the door limit one per customer please tip your waitress. Thank you cheers and applause do i have to get that . Im not sure if i was supposed to give that away. Do i have to give that back . Okay. Thats yours. No, you can keep it. There you go. Congratulations. Put it on put it on put it on put it on cheers and applause . . How proud his mother must be. laughter oh, and i have some good news, because donald trump may be coming to a town near you because hes planning a preinauguration victory tour. Yes, trump is taking his show on the road. Itll be like a Rolling Stones reunion tour, only with more old white people. Although, theres some disagreement about what its actually called. Were working on a victory n when, kellyanne . In the next couple of weeks. Its called a thank you tour. Its not a victory tour. Its a thank you tour. A thank you tour. Thank america tour. Stephen yes, its a thank you tour. Its a thank you tour just like the roman generals used to drag the conquered people behind them in their thank you parades. laughter applause then they would make them fight laughter but its going to fun. Pace yourself. Its four years. But this isnt a world tour or even a National Tour because trumps thank you rallies will be held only in the states that trump won. Now, trump won 30 states, so i assume hell also be standing in front of our new flag. Old partial glory. applause now, this is the exact oppo night. I pledge to every citizen of our land that i will be president for all americans. Stephen yes, trump is going to be president for all americans. From the shores of wyoming to the kentucky bay. laughter thats not an accurate map i just described. Of course, the story that everyone is talking about is its surprising since its broadway, and pence believes that being on broadway is a choice that can be cured. applause its pray away the broadway. I believe thats what its called. laughter pence got booed when he took his seat and the cast had a message for pence during the curtain call we, sir, we are the diverse america who are alarmed and administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, our parents, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights, sir. But we truly hope this show has inspired you to uphold our american values, and to work on behalf of all of us. Stephen powerful. Super powerful. And ive been told that pence really absorbed the message of hamilton, and has pledged to help bring the country back to the 18th century. Good luck. Good luck. Now, pence stayed and listened and afterwards said he wasnt offended. But donald trump was, tweeting the theater must always be a safe and special place. The cast of hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, mike pence. Apologize first of all, mr. Trump, the only president who gets to complain about the theater is lincoln. cheers and applause second, i dont know where you got the idea that the theater is safe. Ive seen cats you think youre safe, but then all the catpeople start coming off the stage and try to sit on your lap President Trump build the fourth wall applause and make Andrew Lloyd Webber pay for it after that, he tweeted, the cast and producers of hamilton, which i hear is highly overrated. Okay, stop. Now youve gone too far. You can pull out of nato, you can round up immigrants, but hamilton overrated . No cheers and applause no you cant say that you cant say its overrated its had a huge cultural impact. Its finally given old white people a way to enjoy rap laughter and Trump Supporters rallied around his tweets, calling for a hamilton boycott to defend mike pence. Okay, let me point out that you cant boycott something you cant get. You cant get into hamilton, okay . That would be like Hillary Clinton boycotting the inaugural. She doesnt need to. laughter this whole drama was insane donald trump jumping in to defend his innocent Vice President from theater bullies. This will go down in the history books. This is history now. Jon its its absolutely historic. Jon thats right. Stephen and future generations of americans will learn about it in the form of a hiphop musical. That we are premiering right now cheers and applause . Of a bitch and a con man grabbing bleep with gary busey, no taxes evident, grow up to be a hero and the president . Well, the story of my reign starts on the great white way with a great whitehaired veep who doesnt like the gay. I always thought the theater was a safe and special place, but when the Vice President s in residence some thugs get in his face, cameras blazing, come right at him in their scary tights. Blast him bang with a request to protect their rights stabbing him with rudeness, the cast casting aspersions with some gay conversions. He got a lecture, got hectored in his tiny little seat. I wont let my veep go down like that. Men, to the tweets drop the toilet seat, drop the beat, thumbs so fast, disappearing like my balance sheets. Gonna make the theater safe again and end the lies. Watch this, im gonna tweet apologize. And. Done. Back to making america great. Hannity, truckasaurus which of say hi to jon batiste and stay human. . . . cheers and applause stephen my goodness, i need to wet my whistle right there. I didnt know i was going to bring it so hard. laughter let me just check. I think i still have some of the makeup playing scar. Hold on a second and im all good. Jon yeah. Stephen want to take a break from talking about donald trump for a minute . A little pallet cleanser . You guys play the google game quick draw . I played anyway, a local seattle it says, try to draw a bench and it guesses things, i see a sandwich, i see a book. But if you get close you have to to drawing the bench it goes, i know, a bench, and you get a point, and were eventually teaching the computer how to take over the world, i think. Im not sure. Were definitely teaching it something. Im not sure what. Or take over art school. Im not sure what its going to take it over. Its super fun, check it out. Im not paid for this plug. But the reason i blow it up is a local seattle morning show was demonstrating the game friday and two of the anchors were there and they got the suggestion of cannon and it went a little awry. A cannon, a cannon i dont know, i dont know stephen okay, if thats supposed to be a cannon. I guess my question is why did someone draw all those cannons on the bathroom stall in my high school . Look, its a perfectly understandable doodleoops. Nobody should feel bad about that. So i want to help. I have a lot of experience drawing things on the air. Let me show you how its done. Let me show you how to dr cannon and get in trouble. Its reasonable cbs wont blur any of this . Im sure its going to be fine. Okay, lets say the computer gives you the suggestion cannon. Im going to write cannon down here at the bottom so we know thats what im drawing and nothing else. Heres one wheel. Heres another wheel. Well give it some spokes just then you got the barrel. Youve got to do the barrel of the cannon. Like that. So far weve still got a cannon. And obviously and weve got to put the cannonball right there. The cannonball is coming out in that direction. Just about to leave. Okay. Then you will need a fuse at the bottom. All right . A cannon. applause do we have any idea if cbs will let me draw a cannon . Theres a slight chance they wont let me draw the cannon, im being told. Well, i tell you what, then tune in next time and ill show you how to draw a penis. Well be right back with Michael Morell . Where do you think youre going . . . Girl, where do you think youre going . . Beard hair can be strong as copper wire. The gillette mach3 is precisionengineered to cut hair this tough. No wonder it has the worlds number one selling blades. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. Gillette. . . . . . Lips appear to age faster than other skin. No worries now theres chapstick total hydration. Its 100 natural, to provide healthier, more youthful looking lips. . Music its a small world after all . Come join us this season, at the all new festival of holidays event. . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause welcome back, folks. My first guest tonight is best known for his 13 seasons on ncis. He now stars as dr. Jason bull on cbss new bull. Welcome back, Michael Weatherly cheers and applause you sit down first. Youre the guest. Thank you. cheers and applause thank you for being here. Nice to see you. Stephen thank you for rubbing your ass on my desk. So few of my guests theres no toilet paper in your dressing room and crissy heinz is causing a ruckus and Carrie Fisher is running around like a nut job. Stephen Carrie Fisher is here with her dog. It is so crazy backstage. Stephen Chesterfield King girls and their cigarette boxes and everything. Everyones trying on your triangle trump had. Its gone crazy back there. Stephen welcome back, bull. 15 million people, lo . Thems is ratings. I probably could have better think b at it. Denoseo for 13 years people yelled the denoseo which is fine, but when people laughter i mean, i didnt anticipate it would feel like an accusation, my name. Stephen well, theres passion behind it. Yeah, bull yeah, thats me, thank you. Stephen the show itself, the premise is youre somebody who helps your psychologist put together juriys, right . Youre going to try to explain the show . Stephen well take it away for me i you help to put together juries for lawyers . Yes. Stephen in the service of justice or we live in interesting times. Certain moral ambiguities are fascinating. So on the show bull laughter what we do is we try to figure out, when youre doing a selecting a jury, we try to figure out why does a person have a certain set of beliefs counter, contrary set of beliefs and, boy, how do we get those two people to have the same person that they vote for . Stephen dr. Phil started his career doing this. He had a Company Called c. S. I. Before there was a show c. S. I. And he looked into court sciences, and thats really a remarkable thing. Like the o. J. Trial happened about 20something years ago, but then they did the documentary last summer and it was fascinating. You look how the jury was selected and rather than santa monica they were in Downtown Los Angeles and how that affected the outcome of the trial. Stephen so is your characters goal to have just as effective justice as was in evidence in the o. J. Trial . laughter in other words, does it matter to your character does it matter to the show whether the person is innocent or not or what were really doing is were helping people who cant help themselves and who need that extra leg up when the law gets tricky. Stephen and your character does it for free . Sometimes. Stephen well, obviously, he doesnt need the money, hes got a tv show. Yeah stephen hes dr. Phil. Hes dr. Phil laughter stephen does the final episode end up with you be bald an on an episode . The superhero that is dr. Phil. Mmhmm. Bitten by a radioactive oprah and laughter youve just blown my mind stephen yeah. Weve got a clip here. This is a clip of you doing what bull does, man. Jim . We move to strike this juror. Dont smile. You struck a juror. You give anything away, the prosecution are catch on. So just show me. But dont look nervous. Show me your neutral face. Thats more sad clown. Well work on this. Dont think about it. Oh, boy. cheers and applause im just trying to help the people. Stephen trying to help people. Well, you know its a good show because it seems to have the most screens per cast member of any show. Why are there so many screens in arehead screens cheaper than sheetrock now . laughter heres what happens, somebody must have done some focus testing at some point and they deduced screens people like, right . Stephen excellent. I heard if you put maps on a screen, people really like it. Look at that see . They like it. Stephen thats not a map. Its not . Stephen thats a oh, gosh im sorry. Stephen remind me never to go camping with you. laughter one of your cast members, christopher jackson, was the original George Washington in hamilton. Oh, yes applause stephen have you talked to him at all about his reaction to this mike pence hamilton thing . Yeah, i talked to chris last night and we worked early this morning. It was about 28 degrees with the wind chill factor. So we had a very cold conversation about it. So i was pence thing . Hes like, yeah, its a little weird but its freedom and youre supposed to be able to say what you think and the theater is a safe place but its also the safe place to say what you think, can question go get in the car now and get warm . Stephen thats how good of an actor you are. applause Michael Weatherly, good to see you. Cbs well be back with Carrie Fisher . cheers and applause hey, need fast heartburn relief . Try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. . Because aunts will do anything for a laugh. [sfx squeaking on glass] when families gather, things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. Say hello to tuesdays 25 off beauty deal ohhh, whats this do. [ gasps ] g get 25 off beauty this tuesday at target. Beard hair can be strong as copper wire. The gillette mach3 is precisionengineered to cut hair this tough. No wonder it has the worlds number one selling blades. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. . . cheers and applause . It gonna be a bright, bright . . Sun shiny day . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you, thank you so much well, folks, ive gotten word, i asked whats going to happen. Ive gotten word about the cannon. Its true. I have been told that cbs is going to blur just the laughter just what i will for this moment call the tip of the cannon. laughter but, after all, the tip is the cannon. Anyway, now we know. Now we know. applause folks, my next guest is an actress, author and, as you will soon see, a dog lover. Please welcome Carrie Fisher cheers and applause . Stephen welcome. cheering stephen you can leave them on. I cant see anything. I dont want anyone to recognize me. O. Is it . Im often confused for jackie o. , or confused about jackie o. Stephen who is this . Gary. Hes french. Stephen okay. And youve rubbed your hand with a1 steak sauce before coming out here . Im not going to tell you what i did with my hand. laughter stephen all right. Have i met gary before is this you and i met at los angeles i was bad at it. Stephen no, you have been deeply offensive to irish people but not bad at it. Alcoholic irish people. Stephen i apologize. And you looked great in a beard and i told you you could get so laid for having that beard. Stephen and i said see me after class. Yes. Stephen was that gary i met there . That was gary. All right. Hes a little nervous. This is his first late night. laughter stephen now, youve got a new book. laughter gary, i know the feeling. Now, you got a new book here which you wrote with gary. Its called the princess diarist, and these are your diarfr shooting star wars back in the day. Thats right. Stephen wow, thank you for sharing this with us. cheers and applause in the book, you reveal that, when you were shooting star wars, you and Harrison Ford had an affair. Thats no stephen im just as shocked as you are. laughter why now . Why tell us now . Well, i would probably get early onset alzheimers and know. Stephen okay. No, i found the diaries and decided to publish them and it was a mistake. Stephen it was a mistake, really . No, but it is too big of a story that i cant handle. Stephen even though its your story. Its my story. Stephen can you not handle it or can Harrison Ford not handle it . Im sure he cant handle it at all. laughter stephen i you were young. It was your life, too. It was 40 years ago. Would have looked worse. Stephen you looked fantastic. So it was the right time. Stephen serious stuff . The affair . Theres a lot of sexual details. Stephen is any of this action like that, like the serious stuff like that . Is it any of this action . Yeah. laughter stephen it is . The eye on cannon will fire okay. Okay. Were you asked were you asked to physically transform at all as Princess Leia . I heard they asked you to lose weight. They did. They always do. They want to hire part of me, not all of me. So they want to hire about threefourths. Stephen uhhuh. O i have to get rid of the fourth somehow. Stephen for the first movie or the i made a joke, the fourth cant be with me. I made it just for you. cheers and applause stephen so is this before the first movie or is this before the bronze bikini second movie. No, bronze bikini, i was solid. Stephen i noticed. A lot of people noticed. Stephen where did you go . How did you no, the first movie, i had well i guess you would still but it was probably just fat. laughter so i went to a fat farm where they harvest fat, and i was there with Lady Bird Johnson and ann landers, who were my peers at the time. Stephen what . yes, they were there, also. Stephen were they nice to you . Well, lady bird couldnt figure out o the name of the moe i was in and was thinking it was car forward to it. Stephen i just cant wait to seeing that car r car wash movie yes. And ann landers had a lot of advice which i obviously didnt take. Stephen let me say about the character of Princess Leia. She has the force, why doesnt she get a light caber . You know, its the whole women its a bad thing for women. Even in space, women are you know, there is a double standard stephen the only force she ever uses is this somethings wrong. She does that. laughter you can do it better than i can. I sense my twin is somewhere and i better hide the cookies laughter stephen why do you have to comfort luke when one guy dies, ben kenobi, but your whole planet has exploded and no comforting you. Thats right im still upset about that stephen have you addressed this before . Not just my planet. My mother, my stepfather, as i found out later, my record collection, all my clothes, so i have to wear that white dress all the time stephen gary . Exactly. Well, i had yeah. So it was very sad for me. Stephen well, were going to take a little commercial . cheers and applause what if a company that didnt make cars made plastics that make them lighter . The lubricants that improved fuel economy. Even technology to make engines more efficient. What company does all this . Exxonmobil, thats who. Were working on all these things to make cars better helping you save money and reduce emissions. And you thought we just made the gas. Want a feast fit for the season . 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Stephen we had the Harrison Ford revelation and what it was like on the set every day and the things they made you do. But there are so many other revelations that you couldnt fit into the book. There is a whole other book of the set of star wars. The spillover. Stephen so i was wondering if we could take a moment to reveal to people the other revelations. Absolutely, thing deserve it. Stephen just to be clear to everybody, this is Carrie Fisher ics other star wars revelations. cheers and applause yoyou know, we had a lot of we set off mark hammels hand, and they decided to keep that in the movie. laughter stephen turns out, it took peter mahu nine hours to grow out all that chewbacca hair. And John Williams actually had the to add all that music to the movie to cover up the fact that i was constantly humming kung fu fighting. laughter afford to have fancy specific effects durin during the first e so the actors had to move things with their minds. laughter mark hammel actually did this weird thing where he made people smell his lightsaber and guess where it had been. laughter stephen i heard that one. I heard that one. Yeah. And you know who had actually the most sex out of the whole they screwed like rabbits. laughter its true. Their trailer had to be hosed out twice a day. Disgusting. Stephen the original line was, luke, its me, your pappy. laughter yoda was real. And delicious. Stephen Carrie Fisher, everybody the princess diarist is available tomorrow the great Carrie Fisher and gary well be right back with a performance by the pretenders cheers and applause . Irgh. No wonder it has the worlds number one selling blades. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. 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Sfx plastic scraping plastic sfx utensils against a plate the dinner is even better without being interrogated about future grandchildren. When families gather things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. But im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, its targets electronics doorbusters you guys are hot, and you . U. Hdtv . , you look great well i mean. Everything looks amazing on you, you are 4k hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember beard hair can be strong as copper wire. The gillette mach3 is precisionengineered to cut hair this tough. No wonder it has the worlds number one selling blades. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. Stephen here performing holy comotion with special guest dan arbach, please welcome special guests the pretenders. . A mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just . Want, i want, i want, to see your face i just want, i want, i . Want to change your place lift your bill . . . . A mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just . Want, i want, i want to lead the blind i just want, i want, i . A mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just . Want, i want, i want to see the light . I just want, i want, i want to dance all night oh be my baby . . . . . . When the walls come tumbling down and the love drags all . Around and the dogs of war come around no more no more rape . Or torture or mutilation one . Way one love one humanity . . . . . . . . . cheers and applause stephen their new album alone available now the pretenders, everybody well be right back cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be James Marsden and john waters stick around for James Corden Billy Eichner and Kurt Braunohler cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight . Dont you worry. . It will be all right. . Its the late, late show