how did you get that so wrong? >> i was intocks dated. >> stephen: but sunday, when you told that story to billy bush, it was hours after the incident. >> i was still intoxicated. >> stephen: okay. but then on wednesday, you told matt lauer again you were robbed. that was another three days later. >> i was very intocks dated. >> stephen: ryan, are you intoxicated right now? (laughter) any reaction at all? let me ask you this, ryan, do you know what a gun is? >> i can't answer that. >> stephen: is this a gun to you? >> i don't know at all. >> stephen: now, there is talk about banning you from swimming over this. let's say you're given a second chance. describe for me, describe for the audience the ryan lochte we can expect to see at the olympics in tokyo in 2020. >> intockintoxicated. it's the "late show" with stephen colbert, amy schumer, omari hardwick, michaela watkins, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, "the late show" in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ? captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! whoa! (cheers and applause) ? thank you! welcome to the late show. thank you so much (audience chanting stephen) nice to see you! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show," everybody. thank you so much. (applause) oh, what a lovely crowd. i got to tell you, i'm stephen colbert. i'm happy to tell you that. i want to tell you that. it's great to be back, and i just want to start out tonight by saying, u.s.a. number one! (cheers and applause) u.su.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! my favorite mob, mindless. why are we chanting? because america just dominated the 2016 olympics! (cheers and applause) that's right, we killed it. the olympics are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first (cheers and applause) suck it in record time! we got 121 medals! and i'm not surprised. i watched the games here in the states, can't remember the channel, and from what i saw, apparently, only americans competed. americans, and usain bolt. of course. he's an honorary american, because jamaica is basically tropical colorado. not only did america lead the overall medal count, we won the most gold medals, the most silver medals, and the most bronze medals. which means we're not only number one, we're also number one at being two and three! laug(cheers and applause) we're number six! i think. i think that's math. (cheers and applause) nice. so, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "thank you." (cheers and applause) over two dozen of those medals were won by african-american women, and on twitter people celebrated that with the hashtag #blackgirlmagic. which i guess was easier to type than hashtag #blackgirlhardworkanddedication. i don't know. (laughter) but the big story was ryan lochte, hashtag #fratboytragic, -- he's fun -- and three other swimmers being robbed at gunpoint in brazil. turns out they weren't robbed, they just had a confrontation with security guards after they drunkenly stopped at a gas station, broke some stuff, and urinated on the building. i just want to say -- guys, you stopped at a gas station for a pee break? c'mon, you're olympic swimmers, you spend 90% of your lives in public pools. that's what the chlorine's for. come on. we're all but lochte said he didn't lie about what happened. he has a simple and repeatable explanation. >> i over-exaggerated the story. i over-exaggerated. i over-exaggerated some parts. my mistake was over-exaggerating. what really happened. >> you weren't lying? >> i wasn't lying to a certain extent. i overe-exaggerated what was happened. example: if he said he understood what the word "lie" means, that would be a bit of an over-exaggeration. (applause) i think we're applauding lying. i'm not entirely sure. (laughter) and, now, the whole world thinks of ryan lochte as that crazy american with weird hair who keeps on making stuff up and causing an international incident, which is not how an olympian acts, that's how a presidential candidate acts. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i got, like, half a superman going on tonight. i don't know what's going on there. don't tell anybody. (laughter) and, today, lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including speedo. yeah. and that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter-- well, not biggest, but crucial. speaking of, shall we say... the bathing suit area, check out japanese pole vaulter hiroki ogita's failed attempt at qualifying. he goes up, hits the bar with his leg, should be fine, coming down and... boom! he knocks the bar off with a clunk of his junk! there it is. oh, that poor man. yo just think, for the rest of his life, he'll have to tell everyone, "yeah, i went to the olympics, but i didn't win gold because my (bleep) is too big. (laughter) (applause) what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do? (laughter) you win some, you win -- you another olympic oopsy daisy was bulgarian rhythmic gymnast neviana vladinova, who danced her hoop routine to the theme from "schindler's list." come on, rhythmic gymnasts, don't drag "schindler's list" into this. grown adults playing with ribbons and hoops is sad enough. (laughter) literally any other song would have been a better choice. not the music, just the sound of the ship going down. (sinking ship sounds) you want some happy music? say hi to my fellow musicians jon batiste and stay human! ( band playing ) hey, jon, how are you doing? >> jon: great, man. >> stephen: who was your break, man? >> jon: fantastic. i was relaxing, then i went to play a few shows, and then, you know, we just chilled out and had a good time. >> stephen: well, that sounds nice. one thing i want to talk to you about is, with everybody paying attention to the olympics, one story that i think got under a lot of people's radarth is a tragic flooding situation going on in southern louisiana right now, historic levels of rain coming, trillions of gallons fell in one week, thousands of people misplaced, millions and millions of damage and they still don't know total. because it's not a named storm,eth not getting the attention like katrina and sandy but it's an enormous problem. it? >> yeah, a lot of people in my extended family. my immediate family are blessed enough to be okay. there is a lot of things going on. hopefully people can do something. >> stephen: colbertlateshow.com, we have local charities there that are directly helping the people where you can go help right now. so check it out, please. (cheers and applause) you know, the late show was off for two weeks, but donald trump still had original episodes. (laughter) so let's catch up, in tonight's report: "what donald trump did on my summer vacation." (laughter) now, before i dive in, i've got to be careful here. i'm not used to taking a two-week dose of trump in one segment. he's like arsenic. while i was away, trump did something i've never seen him do before: try to appeal to someone. this was his pitch to black voters over the weekend: >> tonight i'm asking for the vote of every single african-american citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. look how much african americ democratic control. to those i say the following, what do you have to lose by trying something new like trump? you're living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58% of your youth is unemployed. what the hell do you have to (audience reacts) (booing) >> stephen: he's a people person. (laughter) very appealing. very appealing? >> jon: yeah, i'll definitely vote for that guy. (applause) >> stephen: you see, you're open minde minded, jon. yes, black people, as far as donald trump knows, you're all poor, your schools suck, you're unemployed, your last meal was a football with the word turkey written on it, so take a chance! what have you got to lose? it's summed up in trump's new slogan: "you're already on fire, so you may as well shoot shoot yourself in the head." that's a new game. i like that. now, this is going to be a tough sell -- jon's enthusiasm aside -- because -- and this is true -- among black voters, in a two person race, trump is in fourth place. (laughter) that's like coming in third at solitaire. (laughter) plus, last week, trump's campaign chairman, and joe pesci corpse double, paul manafort resigned after ukraine's anti-corruption bureau revealed that he may have received $12 million in undisclosed payments... by the pro-russian political party of ukraine's pro-putin government. i don't know why this was undisclosed. if someone gave me $12 million, i'd be at the bar saying, "hey, oh, and you want to know why i didn't win gold in the pole vault? it's a pretty good story." (laughter) (applause) so, with manafort out, trump was forced to bring in a new trump-wrangler: breitbart news chief and lesbian haircut model steve bannon. now, if you haven't heard of breitbart news-- you don't hav bannon is known as a political brawler. according to one former spokesperson for breitbart: "he is someone who is prone to profanity-laced tirades at all hours of the night." what a refreshing change from donald trump, who likes to go to bed "early." and he has a bold new direction for the campaign, because "bannon has convinced trump that the rest of the campaign needs to be bare-knuckles brawl with huge rallies. that's right. bannon thinks the reason trump is behind in the polls is that he's been too civil, and now the gloves are off. the tiny, tiny gloves. (laughter) (cheers and applause) by the way, donald trump would have no trouble with the pole vault. we schumer. ? 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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book "the girl with the lower back tattoo." please welcome amy schumer. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) welcome! >> yeah! ? (cheers and applause) >> i love the band! >> stephen: they're the best band. >> i love you, i love the band. >> stephen: i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. >> oh, wow. the new book, "the girl with the lower back tatoo." >> i wrote a book. >> stephen: you did. that's quite an achievement. you wrote a good book, not just a book. >> i didn't even know i could read. (laughter) >> stephen: you're feeling a little under the weather, thanks for being here. >> why, because i walked ten feet? yeah, i just finished filming a movie with goldie hawn. (cheers ap we're supposed to be sympathetic about, spent the summer in hawaii? >> yeah, i got really sick there. i got bronchitis, was in the hospital so we had to stop shooting. >> stephen: you went to the hospital? >> you know it! >> stephen: like fluids and stuff like that sninchts sister and i were laughing so hard. they were taking booed all the i was rock bottom and, so, i couldn't speak, and i coughed so hard -- >> stephen: that's difficult when you're a performer not being able to speak. >> turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but i'm, like, ariel, you have to hear my voice. i coughed so hard i fractured my own ribs. >> stephen: do you want a little hot tea? >> that's exactly what i wan self-promotion. >> stephen: a little bit. all you guys are the same. >> stephen: we've got to. that's sofies. thank you. >> stephen: did you get to enjoy the islands? what island were you on? >> ho-- honolulu, oahu -- i dont know, there was a palm tree. (laughter) i was sick the whole time. first of all, i'm from here, so i like to sit and not move. >> stephen: yeah. like, everyone likes every day. >> stephen: they're so healthy. >> they're so healthy. dogs hike. cats, you will see on a hiefnlgt (laughter) i went liking and somebody said, on your left -- it was, like, a baby in a diaper blowing past me. (laughter) >> stephen: did you go to kauai? because it's like the grand canyon of -- >> i was too sick. i was bed ridden. >> stephen: i went hiking kauai on my honeymoon because we walked down into a canyon and i couldn't get out. (laughter) i thought, that's it for me, no sex on my honeymoon. i couldn't climb up a hill. >> and nothing was wrong with you. >> stephen: i felt like cutting off my arm by the end of it. >> what a great way to start a marriage. >> stephen: yeah. hawaii didn't totally agree circumstances. you and which are stopped easily. it was really muddy and i asked someone and they said, is it going to be this muddy at the top? they were, like, yes, but also there are bees up there. (laughter) nothing slows them down. >> stephen: don't drink the water. it has leprosy in it. >> nothing slows them down. >> stephen: we went to the met gala. >> we did. >> stephen: look at this, this is you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's all safety pins. >> those were a necessity. >> stephen: yeah, in case somebody needed to change a baby's diaper. >> i look like ben roth also berger -- roethlisberger. >> stephen: no, you look beautiful. who is that? >> me and beyonce, my best friend (cheers and applause) wow. i saw this picture and i really because can you zoom in on my face? i look like a witch. i have a witch's -- that is a witch's profile. i am a witch, and i have no idea. but, yes. >> stephen: you look beautiful. >> i got to meet me. >> stephen: she got to meet you. (applause) >> stephen: we'll take a break and be back with more amy schumer! ? (cheers and applause) this is my body of proof. of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that ntributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the number #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. es fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. diced because he was my son, but i don't think he had a mean bone in his body. there is not a day that i don't think about david. when i saw donald trump attack another gold star mother, i felt such a sense of outrage. "she was standing there, she had nothing to say..." if donald trump cannot respect a gold star family, then why would anyone in america think he would respect them. votevets is responsible for the content of this advertising. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: we're back with amy schumer. congrats on the book, "the girl with the lower back tatoo." >> a classic. >> stephen: there's actually the lower back tattoo right there. there it is. that's nice. audience? (laughter) this is a huge regret. >> stephen: why? i could have got rid of it, but i'm, like, no, i did this to myself. every vacation i go on, i'm in a bikini, oh, good, there's trash here. you can't hide. >> stephen: you can't sea it without a tree-way mir or. >> three-way something. people see it. (laughter) >> stephen: these are personal stories from your life. younger. >> yeah. >> stephen: how can you be an introvert and play huge crowds and be a comedienne? >> being a performer is great. you're alone up here. you can feel that, right? >> stephen: yeah. you're alone. >> stephen: very lonely. people come in, there is a performance and then you don't my hotel room by myself. seems strange but i am a classic introvert. you run out of energy. >> stephen: mobilely available people. >> i don't like to talk to anyone with. even if i see someone i like at the gym, i'm, like, oh, my god... you want to recharge and be alone. >> stephen: do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i might come talk to you enough. >> have you talked to my boyfriend? >> stephen: you and your boyfriend cay noodling in bed on instagram. >> i told him jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. >> stephen: that's a really lonely feeling. you also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a never standup. what's that like? >> if you're a guy, it's fun because you get laid. (laughter) mm-hmm. i'm sure they're all married now. >> stephen: they're just shy. you're a girl, it embarrasses them. >> something's going on with him. trust me. he has an energy. he has an energy. (laughter) >> stephen: you have a boyfriend. >> sorry. good point. so, you know, yeah, i'm an supposed to be a defense for why i would be hitting on your standup basses. >> stephen: yeah. o the road sucks. what's the question? (laughter) >> stephen: the question was how are you feeling now. has the fever kicked in? >> i'm still not at 100%, that's the truth. but i'm so lucky the way i get to go on the road now. i bring my family. jazz trio opens up the show. >> stephen: really? (laughter) and it's cool. i kind of feel a little bit out on the campaign trail for hillary because i get to talk to -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, you know what's nice down the road? bring a nice book with you. the nices nicest book i can thif is "the girl with the lower back tatoo." the author is amy schumer, everybody. we'll be right back (cheers and applause) ? before taking his team to state for the first time... gilman: go get it, marcus. go get it. ...coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1% cash back everywhere, every time. at places like the batting cages. ? 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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! my next guest tonight is an actor, athlete, poet, activist, this club, this life, this is who i am now. >> i didn't get in this game to work for tommy. you got me out off the game. you. you set me up so i can take care of my family. not tommy. >> what do you want me to say? tommy egan's the boss now. guess you better do what he wants. >> stephen: please welcome omari hardwick! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: welcome. thank you. >> stephen: this is the first time you have been on a late night show ever, right? >> ladies and gentlemen, stephen tyrone -- for all of you who didn't know his middle name was colbert is popping my cherry. (cheers and applause) late night television. (laughter) yeah, right? yeah. did we just go olympics there? did we just go pole vault? >> stephen: win i think we just did. it's an honor. omari hardwick, thank you so much for being here. any relation to chris >> way back. >> stephen: congratulations on "power" on starz, you guys just got picked up for your fourth and fifth season. >> yeah, they did a double whammy. >> stephen: yeah, good for you. so you're going to be a busy guy shooting that. how has your summer been so far? i know you're an athlete. you played football in georgia, right? >> i did. i'm from the south. >> stephen: where. i played some ball. i dove into the olympics this year. i thought it was awesome. many athletes didn't go to rio but i thought it was some of the best olympics we've had, man. >> stephen: america kicked a little ass. kicked a little ass. (applause) as somebody who was a serious athlete, what do you think of the show boating of usain bolt? do you think that's arrogant or do you think that's good for sports? 8-year-old. he's like robin williams, rest in peace, acting. he's found the child in heart and he runs and has fun and dances right before they shoot the gun off and i think it's awesome. i think it's incredible what he does. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: he's a real performer: you played for georgia and almost for the n.f.l., right? >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a relationship between being a >> sure, because how many of us have been to a game where e.r. bored out of our minds. there are others that are exciting. >> stephen: one is baseball, one is football. >> there you go. (laughter) we still rooted for dennis rodman even during those moments when he put on a wedding dress. >> stephen: it's about his journey. >> it is, it's about journey. the band should have -- >> stephen: no, no, they're good. (laughter) >> they are good. >> stephen: it u thing. they're on break right now. they're got to be on break right now. you mentor some athletes, don't you? >> i do. or in part -- i impart whatever there is to impart. >> stephen: okay, who? o there is two olympic athletes, carry irvin and dramond green. >> stephen: how did you advise them? by polar. >> stephen: did you give dramond green advice on stop hitting people in the groin during games? >> i didn't -- >> stephen: you didn't think he was? he was working them like a speed bag. >> really. >> stephen: yes. we need to play that back. >> stephen: don't need to. ask the people who are still in the hospital. >> and lebron stepped over him. he's a little testy. >> stephen: testy's the right word. tell us about your show. >> we have a great produce around team of stars. they created a show where a man came from south side ja jamaica drugs through the greater part of new york city, he's trying to figure out how to fly straight. he's opposite of walter white, he's breaking good from being bad and the characters that orbit around him. >> announcer: it's a great show. new york city plays the backdrop for the show. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, congratulations. congratulationons the show. all success in the future. lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you back, man. nights on starz. omari hardwick, everybody! we'll be right back. (band playing) (cheers and applause) with hotels.com's simple rewards program for every 10 nights i stay i get one free, which i can use all over the world. like here. and here. and here. thanks, captain obvious. and with this green screen i can make it seem like i'm all over the world. even though i'm right here. here you are. hotels.com. so simple it's the obvious choice. woo! america thought our pancakes were pretty special. but we knew we could do better. so we did. we made denny's new pancakes 50% fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. if you disagree, the cakes are free. that's the denny's love'em or they're free guarantee. [ school bell ringing] we were learning about how talented the ancient greeks were, or an athlete! i could have even been an architect! then i realized, i don't have to go back in time to do amazing things. i can start today. ( band playing ) ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) r r favorite color.? ?a bunch of pineapple 'cause hey it's summer!? ?bananas and berries 'cause the letter b rocks.? ?a little bit of yogurt?? ?sure! why not?? the fun never stops! come into applebee's for the new wood fired grill menu. choose from a mouthwatering variety seared to juicy perfection over split american oak... like savory wood-fire grilled chicken with two sides for just $9.99. the new wood fired grill. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! you know my next guest from shows like "transparent" and "trophy wife." she's now starring in "casual" on hulu. please welcome michaela watkins! ( band playing ) >> stephen: that was a nice hug. >> i waited a long time for that hug. >> stephen: you actually put your head on my shoulder for a second. it's like we were slow dancing for a second. >> i we want. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. i thought we would be great friends in a more natural setting. this is unnatural. >> stephen: thanks for coming. this is speed dating, six minutes, let's see how it goes. >> all right. >> stephen: congratulations on "casual." >> thank you so much. >> stephen: it's a funny show and sad. >> yeah. >> stephen: heartbreaking. it's the story of a sister and kind of a nary do well brother and she's taking care of him beyond when she should. >> stephen: is this based on your life? >> i don't know. >> stephen: you are a freed -- you are a comedienne. aren't they all supposed to be sad? >> i have a tear on the inside. >> stephen: you're an improviser. >> yes. >> stephen: do you go do sets in los angeles. >> yes. >> stephen: i haven't done it in forever. i think >> no. >> stephen: it's like a sport, your backhand. you lose it if you don't use it. it could be painful to die up there. >> yeah, i've done that. >> stephen: do you have particularly painful memories of dying on stage? >> one time i did a sketch that, in my mind, it was so funny when i wrote it, but when we put it up, yeah, it was going so badly, and i still had, like, four more minutes left of it. and i somehow projected into the audience and watched myself on stage and thought what they were seeing and how bad it was and all that made me laugh so hard that i wet my pants. (laughter) >> stephen: and did you share that with the audience? >> i shared wit the stage manager who was bringing out a couch and i was, like, put it over there. (laughter) >> stephen: that's a better story than i have. >> do you have a story? enjoy the feeling of failure. >> you did? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. i had a first director who said you've got to learn to love the bomb. because when you improvise, like, 25% of the time, it works, and the rest of the time is waiting for it to work. audiences are patient with that because they know you're making it up, but the agony of when you know the 25% is never showing up, that you had to learn to love how terrible that felt. addicted to sucking. >> so you like shame is what you're saying. >> i love shame. i love an awkward feeling. >> yes, i love shame and awkwardness. >> stephen: i love singing too loud in elevators with strangers. >> you do? >> stephen: yeah. i get in there, i sing gordon gn lightfoot. jimmy buffett. >> people are probably getting my elevator. there is things to do when people don't know who you are. when people talk really loud on their phone, i want to get on my phone and talk right next to them -- oh, i know! isn't it terrible! i feel the same! oh... are you on the phone, too? >> stephen: you can do this, >> bye! >> stephen: your character is divorced in "casual." >> yes. >> stephen: she's having to date in her late 30s or 40. >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a difference for you? are you still dating? are you married? >> i'm not still dating because i am married. >> stephen: it's a modern world, you can do what you want. >> yeah. >> stephen: i understand it's, like, welcome back to the neighborhood. they used to work around here. >> i used street in a soul-sucking waitressing job. >> stephen: is there any other kind? where? >> martini's. i can say it because they were horrible to me. >> stephen: they're gone now right? >> yeah, they're gone. ha ha! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it can be tough. did you ever get to say, i'm out of here? >> no, i never got that moment. it's a big corporate restaurant and everybody is an actress or actor. i didn't know half the people because it was so big and corporate. i want to tell you what they did. >> stephen: it's okay. we did silverware roleups, people come in, throw it around, they don't know it took us 20 minutes to do that. so we're rolling those up, yeah, and then all of a sudden the back door opens and this girl, who looked a taylor but i don't know if it was, so lilly taylor opens the back door and this girl screams -- i mean, it's 9:00 a.m., we're all miserable, i don't know why she took it out on us, but she screams, hey, everybody, i just got a job in a movie, so i quit and (bleep) >> stephen: you never -- i never. >> stephen: you never got a chance to yell that at that restaurant. >> no. >> stephen: do you want to do it right now? let's go do it right now. come on! let's live the dream! (cheers and applause) come on! come on! all right, come on! come on! (c right out here. so this is a restaurant right across the street. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. get yourself back in that mind frame. all right. >> oh, man! this is really great. >> stephen: all right, here we go. >> there is a real bucket list moment for me. >> stephen: imagine that they're still there. hey, martini's! i'm on stephen colbert! so (bleep) you! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rami malek, tika sumpter and parker sawyers, and musical guest diana gordon. now stick around for birthday zimmer. goodnight! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight ? are you going to come from. ? you're going to be all right. ? in the "late, late show."

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