Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20171128 : comparemela

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20171128



50 years ago on november 13th, 1967. a baby was born to joan and jim kimmel of brooklyn, new york. that baby went on to gain more than 180 pounds and it's me, i guess. yeah, it's my birthday tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i turned 50. thank you. i'm not as excited about it myself but i appreciate the enthusiasm. i got so many balloon texts this morning. my phone actually floated away. it was ridiculous. [ laughter ] that's how i started my day. and the show tonight will be almost a complete surprise to me. my co-workers have been planning this and plotting for months. they keep giggling and whispering behind my back. i feel like -- i think this must be what it's like to be donald trump at the white house. [ laughter ] i tell you something, it feels weird to have no idea what's going on. guillermo, this must be what it's like for you every night. you have no idea -- >> guillermo: yes, yes, jimmy, yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what i do know is that ben affleck is here. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. i have only one specific request for my birthday and that was the music, my favorite band, i've loved these guys, ever since cleto our band leader stole their cassette tape out of a boat we broke into when we were in high school. we played it over and over again until our hearts were full of rock and roll. sitting in with the cletones, please say hello to the pride of mill valley, california, huey lewis and the news! [ cheers and applause ] huey lewis. the whole gang. johnny. and the drummer from huey lewis and the news, bill gibson, it is his birthday tonight too. [ cheers and applause ] we share a birthday and a toothbrush. it's weird. i know. i don't know. from here on -- [ doorbell ] oh, is that the doorbell? does that mean something's going to happen? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] okay. >> jimmy's birthday. you don't work on your birthday, right? so i'm going to take it from here. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] what should i do? >> we're going to have you sit down. can we bring the chair out, please? >> jimmy: oh, there's a chair? [ cheers and applause ] wow. >> we have a chair. we need you to relax. long may he reign. it's a "game of thrones" chair if you bought it at party city. [ laughter ] congratulations. i'm going to say a few jokes. here we go. congratulations, jimmy, my honorary jewish friend. [ laughter ] i turned 50 years old last year and i can tell you from experience there's a lot to look forward to. remember when we would get embarrassed when our dads would unbutton their top button of their pants at the dinner table? well, it turned out they were geniuses. [ laughter ] in fact, all my top buttons have been removed. [ laughter ] if you wouldn't mind maybe just -- there you go. right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is that enough? >> one more. >> jimmy: it's a zipper. that is better. >> it does feel good, jimmy. all right. the great thing about being in your 50s is that your doctor will stick his finger inside you, even if you don't ask him to. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll bet that's why my pants are -- [ laughter ] >> you like that, huey? 50 years old you'll be asking yourself some hard questions, jimmy. are my best years behind me? am i no longer relevant? am i no longer funny? and all i have to say to that is you're a good dad. who gifd who gives a [ bleep ]? [ laughter ] i don't want to say jimmy's showing his age but his testicles are longer than the new "blade runner" movie now. [ laughter ] and one of the best benefits of being 50, you don't need to show your i.d. anymore for senior discounts. they just feel your skin. [ laughter ] congratulations, though, my friend jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] i sincerely mean this. please enjoy the next eight years of your life. [ laughter ] and really make them count. jimmy, you've accomplished so much in 50 years. you know this. a long, successful career. four great kids. but i'm told for some reason this is the moment you are most proud of. let's take a look. >> there it is. jimmy kimmel. only down 2-1. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. that's true. >> that felt good? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> caught, big, big windy day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: coming in, though, coming in. >> that was against the wind? that was a good hit. there's more to your life than that home run at the celebrity game. and some of your friends put together this retrospective of your life. hope you enjoy it. >> jimmy kimmel, talk show host, loving husband, father, drunken half-naked karaoke singer. [ laughter ] hello. i'm george clooney. join us now for the next 4 1/2 hours as we take a look behind the beard. jimmy kimmel, 50, fierce and fabulous. [ applause ] on february 13th, 1967 james latifah kimmel was conceived in the parking lot of a crazy eddie electronics store in brooklyn, new york. his parents, jim and joan, were impulsive and insatiable lovers. but despite their rigorous sexual schedule the kimmels somehow always found time to support and encourage their young son. [ laughter ] fearing a visit from child protective services, the family packed up and headed west to las vegas. jimmy personified his new hometown's glitz and glamour. it was here that altar boy jimmy would befriend his first mexican, future "jimmy kimmel live" band leader cleto escovedo. >> first time i saw jimmy, he was wearing boxing gloves and sunglasses on a dark rainy day. he's weird. >> while cleto focused on losing his virginity, jimmy instead chose to spend every high school dance locked in his room, obsessing over a new talk show host. jimmy's infatuation with david letterman was boundless and borderline psychotic. letterman inspired jimmy to pursue a broadcast job of his own, starting in radio, where he was promptly fired. jimmy would set until california where he would at last find true love. >> when i first met jimmy, he was wearing boxing gloves and sunglasses on a dark, rainy day. hold on, i think i got the script from the mexican friend. [ laughter ] we met at a gay bar. it was called cuffs. i don't think it's open anymore. i know it's not open. i mmean, as of last night. you know what? >> together jimmy and adam would introduce the world to powerful and enduring works like -- >> ziggy zaggy ziggy zaggy oy, oy, oy! >> this level of high-minded satire would not go unnoticed by the heads of the american broadcast company, who in 2003 would tap jimmy to become the host of his own late-night program. >> i still don't know how the hell we got him. super hunk george clooney! [ applause ] >> and so jimmy's transformation into a late-night icon slash cautionary tale began. i should first mention he got really, really heavy. jimmy put the ate in late night. [ rimshot ] finally jimmy got himself a road trainer, a haircut, a beautiful wife, and an adorable sidekick. >> this is for what? for jimmy's birthday? >> yeah. speak to the camera, whatever you want. >> uh -- >> even though jimmy had become a bigger success than literally anyone could imagine, he had his sights on even greater accomplishments. hosting the academy awards. >> oh, good, i got a sitting ovation. >> being the cover model for costco magazine and eradicating such evils as childhood obesity. >> i don't like jimmy kimmel. >> mommy and daddy ate all your halloween candy last night. >> [ bleep ]! >> jimmy kimmel, man, mensch, meatball enthusiast, here's looking at the next 50 years, jimmy. for the home shopping network, i'm george clooney. i'm keeping this one. [ cheers and applause ] >> okay. jimmy, you are -- you really are a great man. happy birthday. i didn't get you a present because i found out i'm not getting paid to do this. [ laughter ] but instead i'm making a donation in honor to the national compassion fund to help the victims of las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] you guys should do that, too. all right, all right. i can't stick around because i'm 51 and i've got to go home and sleep. but after the break, there's another surprise guest you guys are going to love with a very special gift. so stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by at&t. like how when you buy the amazing new iphone 8 you get another one on us. see we give you more phones and more spokespeople. are you guys doing a spokesperson thing right now? yes. awesome, can i be in it? well, it's kind of like a two-phone deal. so two spokespeople. got it. k. thanks. at&t it's time for more. it's time for more. buy the amazing iphone 8 at at&t and get a second one to gift, on us. hey thhi!! looks like someone scored some holiday deals. yeah. but did you check ebay? yeah, wait... no. what? have a good one. check ebay and get price match guarantee on all the hottest gifts this holiday season. ebay we can'twhy?y here! terrible toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. charmin ultra strong. it cleans better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's huey lewis and the news sitting in with the cletones. stu thank you, huey. adam sandler was here. ben affleck is on the way. other than that i have no idea what's happening. i have no idea. [ doorbell rings ] there's the doorbell. >> happy birthday. whose birthday is it? ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. >> yeah! >> jimmy: can i sit? >> yes. you're 50. please sit. >> jimmy: thank you. >> this is the perfect chair for -- for -- you are know what, if you could pee in this, it would be the best chair in the world because every five minutes now you're going to start having to pee. >> jimmy: you can pee in anything if you really set your mind to it. >> i have to tell you, i had something already tonight, but when they told me it was your retirement show, i said i'm coming down -- look, you're 50. they didn't want to startle you. [ laughter ] ryan seacrest has a little window every afternoon. can i sit, too? because i'm older than you. >> jimmy: you can sit on my lap if you want. >> that's the thing. you're entering the 50 club. i'm leaving the 50 club. i am. in a month i have the big one. so i have some just advice because i've been in the club. i want to lower your stress. that's what you need to do now. you need to lower your stress. and this is my first advice. this is a tough one for you but you have to do it because it's important. matt damon? let it go. [ cheers and applause ] let it go. is it worth it? >> jimmy: i don't know, it's just -- just saying his name, you know -- >> that's exactly what i'm talking about! he's not worth a stent, right? is he worth an angioplasty? it's going to kill you. >> jimmy: you're probably right. >> this whole show is very stressful for you. so i have -- let's see, what else can you do? you people don't know. five nights a week, he works like 40, 45 minutes every night. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it adds up. >> it does. >> jimmy: it adds up. >> you have a lot of family that works on this show, right? >> jimmy: yes. >> okay. working with your family -- i'm going to do this. i know you can't do this. but this is my birthday present to you. all of jimmy's family, as of tonight, you're fired. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can't work with your family! now here's the good news. here's one of the advantages of being in the 50 club. adam said it almost like it was a disadvantage when he did the joke about your balls are longer than "blade runner." this is a plus for you. i'll tell you why. you had children late. you're going to have kids running around. you're going to get hit there, you're going to get whacked there. no, you are. and now it's not going to hurt as much as when you were younger because there's give. there's give. [ laughter ] no, i'm telling you, take it -- i'm speaking from experience. there's slack. you can take a punch. you know what it is now? it's like punching a curtain now. that's all it is. [ laughter ] and also, don't be afraid because he's right, they're going away, they're just leaving. i'm speaking from experience. there's no rhyme or reason now. it's like one day the left and then the right, the left, the right. it's weird. i'm telling you. it's like the world's slowest race to the ground is happening in front of you. [ laughter ] and you know what's weird? they're getting longer, this guy's getting shorter. it's like -- it's like they're attached somewhere. [ laughter ] but all right, enough of old material. here's what i want to do. first of all, i do have one little lane gift, when you joined the 50 club, i gave this to my buddy when he turned 50. you're now a member. this is your -- happy birthday. [ applause ] that's for you. okay. that's just a gag gift. i want to do a real gift. i don't want to let adam outnice me. so i'm going to do a donation to the l.a. children's hospital in honor of your son, billy. >> jimmy: wow, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> but, even better, bob iger and your friends at disney have made a donation to that hospital of $250,000 for your birthday. >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] wow, that's very nice. >> and i don't want to take any credit, but they wanted 100,000 but i got them up. i got them up. >> jimmy: you did? >> no, i didn't. [ laughter ] it was all them. it was all them. now, i know you're not crazy about all this and all the attention on your birthday. you're not a sappy guy, i'm the same way, it makes you feel weird with all the nice things people say. so we're going to do the opposite. we gathered your celebrity friends because i know that's more important to you than the unfamous ones. >> jimmy: sure, of course. [ laughter ] >> but we got them to read some of your mean tweets. people that have tweeted mean things about jimmy -- >> jimmy: people tweeted mean things about me? this is a double whammy. >> it's a rough time out there. we're going to take you down a notch in a very special edition of "mean tweets jimmy kimmel edition." >> jimmy: oh, boy. ♪ >> jimmy kimmel needs a kick to his [ bleep ]. happy birthday. >> i thought i saw jimmy kimmel at home depot. turns out it was just a sloppy dude with big dimples. >> @jimmykimmel. you are a jackass [ bleep ] sucker. keep your mouth shut and do your little tv show or get the [ bleep ] out of our country. >> @jimmy kimmel. you represent everything i hate about myself. you bloated douchebag. >> i don't know how i got roped into this bit, but here we go. for your birthday. >> some [ bleep ] at euphoric underscore mania writes, "is jimmy kimmel cross-eyed or just ridiculously ugly?" stupid as -- stupid. stupid. >> jimmy kimmel, go suck a gorilla [ bleep ] you dumb fat-ass. you got some haters. >> jimmy kimsale a comedy god like a deformed hideous god such as ancient greece's hepa -- helptight hihelp too helptight hepatitis? that sounds hideous. that ugly bozo is still a god. jimmy, you don't have hepatitis. i would know. >> @jimmykimmel. are you kidding me with that flabby body? what the [ bleep ]? get to the gym, man. do you really shave your pits? scary. >> jimmy kimmel is that same fat kid from "win ben stein's money" who grew up to become that fat kid from win ben stein's money. i don't care for this fella who wrote this. >> hey, jimmy kimmel, have you replaced his nose with a [ bleep ]? you have a dead ringer for dumbo. you a crazy sick [ bleep ]. >> jimmy kimmel, you still look like a potato but now you look like a hairy potato. so you're extra gross. >> i disagree. i think jimmy kimmel looks like a slightly bloated carson daly but not as funny. slightly bloated? >> this is going to sound fantastic but i forgot jimmy kimmel's name. so i googled ugly late-night talk show hosts and i got him top link. >> jimmy kimmel open your eyes. your eyes look like vaginas. hashtag squinter. >> i liked jimmy better when he was somewhat fat. skinny jimmy is no bueno. >> dear jimmy kimmel, go wrap your ball sack around your neck and choke yourself to death, then put your head up your butt. there's nothing -- there's no nuance to that. >> @kanyewest says, jimmy kimmel, put yourself in my shoes. oh, no, that means you would have gotten too much good [ bleep ] in your life. you have a point, kanye. >> @jimmykimmel, you're a piece of [ bleep ]. your job is to pollute the airwaves with your worthless bull [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] off you big giant turd. i think this guy follows me too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy kimmel, $1 million says your hair is fake, your boobs are fake, and your feet are small and your nose is made of play-doh. >> jimmy kimmel is not funny. neither is david letterman. i'd have to go along with both of those. >> @jimmykimmel. your show blows brown donkey balls. go play with howard stern's [ bleep ], you hollywood jokeless fool. happy birthday, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: some of them were in the ballpark. thank you very much, ray. >> you got it. >> jimmy: ray romano, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with ben affleck! ♪ guess what i just got? uh! ♪i used to be spellbound hello again. ♪i used to be spellbound hi. ♪i used to be spellbound that's a big phone. ♪in your arms. 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[vo] progress is an unstoppable force. the season of audi sales event is here. audi will cover your first month's lease payment on select models during the season of audi sales event. ♪ ♪ you won't feel a thing till you feel ♪ ♪ feel the power ♪ feel the power of love >> jimmy: huey lewis and the news sitting in with the cletones! it is my 50th birthday. i'm told more surprises are on the way. tomorrow night owen wilson will be here, we'll have music from gucci mane featuring migos. and colin farrell, patton oswalt, tracee ellis ross, frankie shaw, music from bishop briggs and manchester orchestra too. i'll tell you something, at the tender age of 6 i told my parents i wanted batman to come to my birthday party. i had no idea i'd have to wait 44 years toar it to happen. but tonight it's about to. our first guest fights evil among other costumed adults in the highly anticipated "justice league." it opens in theaters friday. please welcome ben affleck! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> how's it going? >> this is strange, very exciting. >> jimmy: do you think everything that's going on tonight? do you know the plan? >> i know nothing. >> jimmy: you know nothing? >> you don't look close to 60. >> jimmy: i'm not close -- never mind. do you like -- are you comfortable like at a birthday celebration of you? >> no. i hate it. >> jimmy: have you always been that way? >> no, i think i was traumatized in my youth. i remember when i was 12 years old and my brother and have i birthdays three days apart so she always saved on birthdays and we did the co-birthday thing. and my mom would throw these very unusual parties and i remember specifically this one because she -- this is true. she hired a belly dancer. to come to the -- yeah, exactly. a touch inappropriate. i'm staring at the floor. it was so hard. though i could tell just by looking at him that matt liked the show. >> jimmy: oh, matt was there. i see. who got into acting first? you or matt? >> i don't want to embarrass matt, and i know you don't. >> jimmy: of course not. >> but i got into acting before he did. i was on a kids' show called "voyage of the mimi" for television. and i had an agent. and i got to be friends with matt. he was like, "you have an agent? i want an agent!" >> jimmy: that's matt damon in a nutshell. >> i wasn't far off. he insisted on getting an agent. >> jimmy: was it the same agent? >> it was the same agent. we've always had the same agent. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. we went down to new york, and we would, you know, periodically audition for child actor type stuff. >> jimmy: would you go for the same parts? >> every time. they couldn't differentiate us. it was two dumb kids from boston instead of one. >> jimmy: do you remember any of the things you auditioned for? >> well, the best one and in retrospect one that hurts me still to this day, we weren't sure what it was because they told us that it was a secret project. and so you know, okay, and they gave us what was obviously kind of a dummy generic scene about a kid who wanted to race bmxs or something. anyway, that's not the point. we go down there and we're about to -- when we get into the room, they tell us we didn't want anyone to know about this and you need to keep it secret but this is actually an audition for tim burton is making a movie of "batman" and this is for robin. so we both auditioned for robin and we were both pretty sure we got the part. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. on the way down in the elevator we were both like no hard feelings, man, if you get it. [ laughter ] i wish to god he had gotten that part. >> jimmy: oh, no kidding. that is -- wow. and you didn't -- there wasn't a robin -- >> no. they ended up not using -- very good. they ended up deciding it was an ambiguous relationship. >> jimmy: really? >> what are you talking about? he fights crime! >> jimmy: that's so sad, though, in a way that you went on to become batman. not only didn't he get to be robin he's like begging for little bit parts in "thor." [ laughter ] he's like -- loki jr. in thor. >> he was an extra in "thor." this is an up and down business. >> jimmy: and he is down, down, down. ray told me to try to forget this, but i can't. when we come back, we're going to see a clip of you as batman in "justice league." batman, not robin. >> i have a very big surprise for jimmy when we come back. >> jimmy: really? for real? 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(speaking hindi) (speaking spanish) hraaerrr!!! wookiee? campbell's new star wars soups. made for real, real life. i'm not sure why i even wrapped it. it's the thing from the link you sent me. don't shop like everybody else, shop ebay by interest and find a gift that gets them. ♪ they say the heart of rock and roll is still beating ♪ ♪ and from what i've seen i believe them ♪ ♪ now the other may be barely breathing ♪ is the fabric abrasion resistant? >> yeah, i do competitive ice dancing. >> it's what they use on the space shuttle to keep it from burning up on reentry. >> i do very competitive ice dancing. whoever you're looking for, it's not -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's "justice league." ben affleck as bruce wayne and ed rah miller as the flash. that was pretty cool, i like that. >> thank you. it's fun. ezra's great as the flash. all of us really got along which made it -- i think you can feel that seeing the movie. it's fun and it's light and it really moves. i didn't have a good time. >> jimmy: of course not. >> i was in a very constricted suit. >> jimmy: are you used to the suit after three times? >> kind of. >> jimmy: did they improve it in any way comfortwise for you? >> no. in fact, it got a little stiffer over the years. >> jimmy: that's how you know how the wardrobe people like you, how tight your pants get as the movies go on. >> really the reason i took this movie is imagining wearing that costume -- i have a little boy. having my son see me. everybody wants their kid to think of them as a superhero. >> jimmy: of course. >> you know, before they get too smart. and i got -- i brought a picture to show you, which was my son two weeks ago said to me, dad, there's one costume i want in the whole wide world, can you get it? and i said, you know, i have some connections. this & then he told me who he wanted to be. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, that's probably healthy. >> it is, yeah. >> jimmy: i think you found your robin right there. i mean, that's cute. that is very cute. >> interesting thing about this movie. this movie shifted schedule, actor availability and so on and so forth and "star wars" pushed, created some additional availability. so i was able to start this really, really exciting superhero project that's my next thing. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. it's awesome. in fact, the director's here. i want to bring him out. [ doorbell ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. i know this guy. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing? wow. how are you? j.j. abrams is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thanks. happy birthday. i'm thrilled to be here. i love white guys with beards. so it's awesome. >> we could be a band. >> we could be a band. i came here with a question. >> jimmy: what is it? >> jimmy kimmel, are you familiar with this? what is this? do you know what that is? >> jimmy: that is a comic book i drew when i was about 9 years old, 10 years old. >> and you drew all the illustrations in it? >> jimmy: i did it. i drew it and wrote it. >> do you know all the characters? >> of course i know all the characters. that's muscle man and color kid. they're the main heroes. this is ridiculous. lucky lad, who's like a leprechaun. >> which one's lucky lad? >> jimmy: he's the one with the gold. >> of course. >> jimmy: mainstrom, murgiv, super duck, which was kind of my version of howard the duck. i don't know why i also chose a duck. spire is a guy who had like a point on his head. color kid was the best because he had all the powers of the rainbow. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, which are really none. [ laughter ] >> and who would this be? a bad guy? >> jimmy: the bad guy. what was his name again? oh, i forgot his name. but he's got prominent breasts. >> was it mr. bolt? >> jimmy: yeah, mr. bolt. >> well, i've got to say. i got my hands on this. >> jimmy: how did you get that? >> through various sources. and the characters, like they really spoke to me. >> jimmy: they did? >> yeah, and they demanded to be brought to life. >> jimmy: oh no! >> so i took this exact book. i didn't change a word. >> jimmy: oh, my -- [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> and we spent $250 million to -- >> jimmy: oh, my. [ laughter ] >> ladies and gentlemen, the world premiere, the exclusive trailer of jimmy kimmel's "the terrific ten." >> announcer: a war is coming between the terrific and the terrible. soon you will all be under my control. >> sources confirm the super villain known as dr. bolt is plotting to literally destroy the earth and wishes to invite muscleman to do battle now. >> what's the plan, muscleman? >> assemble the team, super duck. top speed. >> that's the only speed i know. >> who are you? >> i'm terrific ted. color kid, my sidekick. >> color me ready. >> super duck. >> release the quacken. >> spire, god of weapons. >> who wants to go clubbing? >> mirgiv. god of wonders. >> abracadabra. you're abra-ca-dead. >> and god the wealth. >> it's going to be cloudy with a chance of justice. >> bendolite. >> all's well that bends well. >> lucky lad. >> feeling lucky? >> super sal. >> silent but deadly. >> laser lass. >> i'm the lady one. >> and me, muscle man. king of the superheroes. i am a man with muscles. >> dr. bolt, i got your invitation. i hope you don't mind, i brought a plus nine. >> you're too late. the party's over. oh boy. this control activates my atomic bomb, which can destroy the entire earth. >> well, then don't hit that button. >> no, that's my dominance over you! >> and now i shall unleash the most terrible of my terrible ten. behold the bleach master! >> what's up? >> really? a box of bleach. >> oh, and you're so great? what do you have the power of, a gym membership? >> he's got multiple gym memberships. >> i'm sorry, remind us again what your power is. >> i have all the powers of the rainbow. >> oh, so what, you [ bleep ] skittles? >> i put smiles on people's faces. okay, man? >> okay. >> what's happening? >> what about super duck? he super sucks. >> no, i don't. i can fly. >> what about leprechaun elvis over there? >> what's that supposed to mean? >> that you look stupid. >> quiet, please. >> i look like a yoga instructor bombed -- >> i am a box of bleach. >> shut up! everybody shut up. we all suck. and you know why? we were created a by weird, sad kid who grew to later become a weird, fat man. [ laughter ] [ bleep ] kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> i mean, he didn't even draw us genitalia. [ laughter ] >> ha, ha, ha, ha! >> jimmy: wow. that is the best gift i ever got. unbelievable. thank you j.j. abrams, thank you ben affleck, muscleman. i imagined myself in that role. but you were unbelievable. [ applause ] "justice league" opens friday. we'll be right back with i don't know what! [ cheers and applause ] i started volunteering for (victorinational parks.s twelve, i go out and demonstrate to people what life was like in the eighteenth century. you can have almost a spiritual experience with the beauty of nature or with a connection with the past. there's no better place to find that than a national park, which preserves that beauty and the history. (vo) the subaru share the love event has donated over six-point-five million dollars to help the national parks. get a new subaru and we'll donate two hundred fifty dollars more. (victoria) ♪ put a little love in your heart. ♪ what are you doing? i don't need all this. mucinex fast-max can handle pretty much every symptom. name one. how about nine? even... yea, i can read. we're done here. mucinex fast-max. 9 symptoms. 1 dose. max strength. let's end this. it all comes down to this. the energizer bunny™ gets the snap! he's still going! 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"how can i help?" hello. so...it's a phone? well it's a phone by google. ♪ discover card. i justis this for real?match, yep. we match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year, automatically. whoo! i got my money! hard to contain yourself, isn't it? uh huh! let it go! whoo! get a dollar-for-dollar match at the end of your first year. only from discover. new charmin ultra soft! ♪ it's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! and roomba from irobot gets to work using two multi-surface brushes and power-lifting suction to grab and remove everything from fine dust to large debris. daily dirt doesn't stand a chance. you and roomba from irobot. better together. so i got you one no one'sed seemeever heard of.sive, don't shop like everybody else. shop ebay for the best deals on the best brands. ebay hi, we're alaska airlines. but we're all over california. so you can power lunch in la. ink the deal in san jose. and bask in the glory in palm springs. over 90 daily non-stops in california. alaska airlines. that's how we fly. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. i'm still 50. i'm here with my good friend huey lewis. the cletones. the news. this is -- it's been a very exciting show. i don't know what i'm supposed to do now, though. you're going to take over, huey? >> you're having fun, right? >> jimmy: i am having fun. >> might this be really the best show ever? >> jimmy: this is the best show ever. yes. it is, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] definitely. >> it's about to get a lot better. >> jimmy: it is? >> yeah. i get to introduce this next guy. another one of your musician friends. this gentleman is an american treasure. the amazing james taylor. >> jimmy: oh, wow! [ cheers and applause ] >> mr. kimmel, happy birthday. >> jimmy: thank you. holy [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> yeah, that's right. some people find it hard to believe that i wrote this next tune for you. ♪ ♪ there is a young cowboy living on the range ♪ ♪ his horse and his cattle are his only companions ♪ ♪ he works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons ♪ ♪ just waiting for summer, his pastures to change ♪ ♪ yes, and as the moon rises he sits by his fire ♪ ♪ just thinking about women and glasses of beer ♪ ♪ and closing his eyes as the dogies retire he sings out a song which is soft but it's clear ♪ ♪ just as if maybe someone could hear ♪ ♪ he says good night all you moonlight ladies ♪ ♪ rock-a-bye my sweet baby james ♪ ♪ deep greens and blues for the colors i choose ♪ ♪ let me go down in my dreams ♪ yes and rock-a-bye my sweet baby james ♪ ♪ now the first of december all covered with snow ♪ ♪ yes, and so was the turnpike from stockbridge to boston ♪ ♪ the berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting ♪ ♪ with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go ♪ ♪ there's a song that they sing when they take to the highway ♪ ♪ a song that they sing when they take to the sea ♪ ♪ a song that they sing of their home in the sky ♪ ♪ maybe you can believe it ♪ it might help you to sleep ♪ seeming seems to work fine for me ♪ ♪ so goodnight all you moonlight ladies ♪ ♪ rock-a-bye old sweet baby james ♪ ♪ but it's deep greens and blues for the colors i choose ♪ ♪ won't you let me go down in my dreams ♪ ♪ oh ♪ time to rock-a-bye my sweet baby james ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> how are you doing? >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. >> happy birthday. >> jimmy: thank you. james taylor! unbelievable! thank you, james. we'll be right back. it's just my eczema again,t. but it's fine. yeah, it's fine. you ok? eczema. it's fine. hey! hi! aren't you hot? eczema again? it's fine. i saw something the other day. eczema exposed. your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. maybe you should ask your doctor? go to eczemaexposed.com to learn more. >> jimmy: well, that was fun. that was a good birthday. thank you. thanks to my staff for putting this together, thank you guillermo, for baking this cupcake. i'd like to thank james taylor, huey lewis and the news, ben affleck, j.j. abrams, adam sandler, ray romano, little jane kimmel and everybody else who made a special appearance except for matt damon tonight. thank you for watching. "nightline" is next. good night! ♪ they say it's your birthday ♪ it's my birthday too yeah ♪ they say it's your birthday this is "nightline." >> tonight, an american princess. actress meghan markle now engaged to the most eligible bachelor in the world, prince harry. >> i could barely let you finish proposal. i was like, can i say yes now? >> she wouldn't let me finish. >> the happy couple looking back on their fairy tale long-distance romance. >> when i walked in that room and saw her, i thought i'm really going to have to up my game. >> and the symbolic tribute to his mother, princess diana, embedded right there in the ring. plus, spa mistreatment? more than 180 people reportedly alleging sexual assault during treatments at massage envy franchises. >> i was just totally traumatized. the sadness, pain,

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