Thank you. Hi, everybody. Im jimmy, im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for everything, really. I appreciate it. Well, for those of you who were with us in primetime tonight, welcome back. After another evening of bigtime basketball, game three of the nba finals between the Golden State Warriors and cleveland cavaliers, this is the third time these teams have matched up for the finals. And as we learned last year, anything can happen. A player could turn into a werewolf. We dont know. [ laughter ] we really just dont know. By the way, one thing we know is they jack up the ticket prices this time of year. Courtside seats for game three in cleveland went for as much as 20,000 a pop. You know, usually to be able to afford that you have to have a baby with a player. [ laughter ] thats serious money. Tonights game as i mentioned was in cleveland, where of course they have very dedicated fans. I think i did a lot of research. I believe these two win the best tshirt contest for 2017 for this. I may be indian, but i hate curry. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thats very strong, well done. Meanwhile, in washington all eyes were off the court and on congress for the main event tomorrow. Former fbi director james comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence committee to spill the beans on president trump, which when you think about it on a human level is pretty great for james comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world . Its like a dream come true. [ cheers and applause ] we got a surprise preview today of what comey plans to share. The Senate Released his prepared statement. President trump is like, you can prepare statements . [ laughter ] but there are a few good nuggets in it. Comey confirmed that trump asked him to let go of the investigation into exnational security adviser Michael Flynns ties to russia. He said in four months he had nine oneonone conversations with trump, three in person, six on the phone, which is very unusual. And this is what comey wrote about his dinner with trump back in january. He wrote, he had called me at lunchtime that day, invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family but decided to have just me this time with the whole family coming next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner. Although i assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us. Its starting to read like chapter one of fifty shades of orange. Right . [ laughter ] very sexual. [ cheers and applause ] anyway, comey wrote that at their dinner the president said, i need loyalty, i expect loyalty. Which is not an appropriate thing for a president to ask the head of the fbi. Unless hes planning to do the right thing and marry him, that is. [ laughter ] and trump told comey he had nothing to do with russia, had not been involved with hookers in russia. And he always assumed hes been recorded. I love that he denied being involved with hookers in russia. Let me tell you, bill clinton must be laughing his ass right now. Wherever the hell he is. [ cheers and applause ] so then because these were Uncomfortable Conversations comey told the attorney general, jeff sessions, he did not want any future direct communication with president trump. Melania said the same thing, by the way. [ laughter ] it didnt work out for either of them. So tomorrow will be an interesting day. Today is an interesting day. I dont know if you know this, but today is the Vice President s birthday. Mike pence. I know this because one of our writers got an email yesterday from karen pence, his wife. The subject you see, hi, do you have a minute . Michaels birthday. Friend, it has been my true honor and greatest privilege standing by my husbands side as your second lady. It has been a remarkable ride. It has been remarkable. It is definitely one thing it has been is remarkable. She wrote, i wanted to make sure you knew about an important upcoming event, and more importantly i want to give you a chance to join us in our celebrations. Tomorrow june 7th, 2017, my husband Vice President michael pence, will turn 50 years old, and i cant think of a better way to celebrate than with a birthday card signed by millions of americans just like you. You cant . [ laughter ] i can think of i bet he would like a back rub more. That would be better. Shes like the annoying person at the office who brings a giant card around and forces everyone to sign it. Anyway, the Vice President would love to see your name, and it would mean the world to our family if you added your happy birthday wish by 9 00 p. M. On june 7th, 2017. Then there are two links to sign the card. This is a very sad email, folks. [ laughter ] by the way, if you click on one of the links to sign the card, you get this. You cant even write a birthday message, just your name, email, and zip code. For his birthday mike pence gets a list of names, emails and zip codes. [ laughter ] that sounds like fun. Its not at all like a thinly veiled attempt to get your voter information. For fundraising purposes. Poor mike pence. Thats a terrible birthday. Maybe after the testimony tomorrow his Birthday Gift will be getting to be president of the united states. [ cheers and applause ] hey, i know this is out of left field, but do you remember zima . Like a weird yeah, alcoholic beverage from the early 90s . You used zima to figure out who at the bar you didnt want to talk to. [ laughter ] it was huge, it was a huge thing. Then all of a sudden it was gone. But theyre breaking it back. This fourth of july weekend, zima makes a comeback. Id almost rather zika make a comeback than zima. [ laughter ] which by the way is really good timing. You really want to wait until theres a virus thats one letter off from the name of your product before relaunching that product. But i guess these are turbulent times. And we need as many ways to get drunk as possible. So welcome back, zima. You know, also College Graduation season is wrapping up. And commencement ceremony, this is a big deal for the students and their families. And many schools as you know book celebrity speakers. I believe Mark Zuckerberg gave a speech. Hillary clinton. They all gave commencement addresses this year. But not every school can land an alister. So as a service to those graduates of those schools we put together, weve been working very hard on this, we put together an allpurpose, allstar graduation speech that is 100 guaranteed to position you for success in life. So Pay Attention because i think you just might learn something. Administrators, faculty brothers and sisters nerds, jocks, douche bags sex offenders, both registered and unregistered and the class of 2017. Look to the person on your left. Now look to the person on your right. One of you will be dead by the end of my speech. [ laughter ] its time for you all to put down your phones. And pick up the next generation of phones. They have a much, much better camera. [ laughter ] dont forget the people that brought you to this place. Im talking about the uber drivers. Theyre the real heroes of today. Never give up. Unless its hard. [ laughter ] the world needs more dreamers. And it also needs more quiznos employees. Why does it take so long to get quiznos . Its just a sandwich. 45 minutes, its ridiculous. [ laughter ] im reminded of an important decision in my life. When i was a teenager, i ran over a humansized bump in the road. My mother said, just keep driving. That was a great lesson. [ laughter ] i was in your shoes once. And your underwear. You should really lock your door. [ laughter ] 50 years from now when you look back on your life, you will ask yourself, was i famous enough . Did the paparazzi pay enough attention to me . Or were they way more interested in my wife . [ laughter ] do follow your dreams. Unless your dreams are to stalk and murder me. Then good luck. Ill kill you first. [ laughter ] dont compare yourselves to others. Theres always going to be somebody whos richer, more successful, better looking. That persons me. [ laughter ] do not claim to be lactose intolerant. Say what you really are. A milk racist. [ laughter ] theres more than one way to skin a cat. And you should try all of them before you die. [ laughter ] next time youre at a concert, wave your hands in the air like you just do care. About aids. [ laughter ] saying i need some me time is just another way of saying i dont want any you time. Take a hint, becky. [ laughter ] the great Winston Churchill once said, when a woman lights a candle, its to set the mood. When a man lights the candle, its because he destroyed the bathroom. [ laughter ] too true. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, id be like, how is that . You got shot in the head. You shouldnt even be here. Youre decomposing. Its nasty. Dont do that. Get out of here. The great maya angelou once said that beauty comes from within. But so does diarrhea. Never forget that. I dont have a college degree. But i do have a yacht. Guess were even, education. Whos the dummy now . I only paid 30 million for it. On credit. I dont even have the money. [ laughter ] a great man by the name of bazooka joe once said to his father, dad, have you ever seen a machine that can tell if youre lying . Well, his dad said, seen one . I married one. [ laughter ] there are three rules in life. Number one. Never quit. Rule number two. Never trust a man in a trench coat. Could be two Little People stacked on top of each other. I learned that the hard way. [ laughter ] and rule number three. Do something bold let a horse ride you [ laughter ] it feels so good. Now you guys get out of here and go build me a real live sex robot. [ laughter ] good luck. Where do i get my gift bag . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, everybody. Congratulations. We have to take a break. When we come back, soccer star neymar jr. Is going to try to kick a ball, thats him, past a goalie named guillermo whos all the way on the other side of the street. So stick around, well be right back with that. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by progressive. I hate the outside. Well, i hate it wherever you are. Burn. Burn. Is that what the kids are saying now . Im so bored, im dead. You can always compare rates on progressive. Com. Oh, thats nice, dear. But could you compare camping trips . Because this one would win. All i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet its not about winning. Its about helping people find a great rate even if its not with progressive. Ugh. Insurance. When i said peace and quiet, did you hear, talk more and disappoint me . Do do do do skiddly do do camping with the family [ flame whooshes ] we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yeah. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really. And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for 25 a month. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena grooves in your sandwich . Do you always put cheezit of course theyre chips. Chips. Plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Ooooh. Dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. Cheezit grooves. Chips made with 100 real cheese. Dang right its a chip the ford summer sales event is in full swing. They are not listening to me. Watch this. Who wants ice creeaaaaaam . So thats how you get them to listen. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends soon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Thats cleto and the cletones with the music of timbukthree. Michael keaton, Anthony Davis, and music from Charlie Wilson and robin thicke all on the way. If youre a soccer fan how many soccer fans do we have here . [ cheers and applause ] i know at least 40 of you are lying but i appreciate the enthusiasm. If you are a soccer fan you are undoubtedly familiar with the superhuman known as neymar jr. [ cheers and applause ] hes the star player for barcelona and for the Brazilian National team, he won an olympic gold medal, hes only 25 years old and he happens to be on our roof right now. Hola, amigo. Hi, jimmy. Thank you. Jimmy neymar, first of all, thanks for taking the elevator all the way up there. [ laughter ] your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to score the firstever goal over hollywood boulevard from our building to the el capitan to the Hollywood Highland Center all the way across the street. Do you think you can do it . Can you make it to the hollywood and Highland Center . I can. Jimmy beautiful. Ill try. Jimmy but not only is the net more than 150 feet away. It is being guarded by americas number one goalie slash security guard, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] hi, guillermo. Guillermo hi, jimmy jimmy you look great. Guillermo jimmy, im very excited, very happy with neymar jimmy you look like we should cut you in half and squeeze you into a drink. [ laughter ] guillermo, if i remember correctly, you love heights, right . Guillermo no, i hate heights. Jimmy you do not like heights, yes. But neymars your favorite soccer player, correct . Guillermo yes, i love neymar, i love brazil, jimmy, you know that. Jimmy i know that. Are you nervous right now . Guillermo no, not nervous, im happy right now with neymar. Jimmy youre happy, to be almost so close to him, it must be exciting. [ laughter ] which are you more worried about right now, playing against your favorite or plummeting to your death . Guillermo plummeting to my death. [ laughter ] jimmy do not dive for the ball. Okay . Guillermo okay, jimmy. I promise. Jimmy this is important but not that important. Neymar, are you nervous right now . Come on, man. Im trying. Jimmy what if i told you guillermo plays for a recreational soccer team in North Hollywood . And they won their first playoff game on sunday . Are you nervous now . No . Okay, all right. No. Jimmy all right, then. Lets do this. This is a long kick. I dont know, seems kind of seems a little more dangerous than i care for. But lets do it. Are you ready . Ready. Jimmy all right, lets do it. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] going all the way over the boulevard. Guillermo three, two, one jimmy and here we go. It is oh, a little bit short oh, this is where a guy gets hit by a bus. Okay. [ laughter ] unfortunately we only have one ball so this is going to take no, okay, all right. Here we go again. Just got to get a little more leg into it. Whoa a little bit short. Wow. Why is there no did we clear the traffic . Oh. [ laughter ] once again we brought the city to a complete halt for no good reason at all neymar. Guillermo come on neymar neymar, neymar jimmy take your time. And here we go. It is a big kick oh my goodness [ cheers and applause ] jimmy can we look at that again . Can we look at it again in slow motion . Lets take another look. Heres the ball. He had the distance. And right in the corner of the net. Past guillermo. What was the one thing i told you not to do . Guillermo not to dive. Jimmy yeah, not to dive. Guillermo but its neymar, jimmy, the best player in the world. Jimmy you gave 110 . Neymar, that was quite a shot, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Jimmy have fun up there. Were going to keep going with the show. We have a great show for you tonight. Charlie wilson is here with robin thicke. Anthony davis is here and well be right back with Michael Keaton. So stick around [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, look at this. Oh, look at this. Its neymar jr. , everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [brother] any last words . [boy] karma, danny. Karma [vo] progress is seizing the moment. Your summer moment awaits you, now that the summer of audi sales event is here. Audi will cover your first months lease payment on select models during the summer of audi sales event. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, a fourtime allstar from the new orleans pelicans, Anthony Davis is here. Then, his latest album is called in it to win it. Charlie wilson featuring robin thicke from the mercedesbenz stage. We are back in primetime on friday night for game four of the nba finals with owen wilson, zach lavine, jamal crawford, and julius randle. And we have a new show in late night after that with mandy moore, jerrod carmichael, music from bebe rexa with and also i will take on the winner of the Scripps National spelling bee. Shes 12 years old and she will soon know the meaning of d def however defeat is spelled she will soon now. Our first guest tonight is golden globe and oscarnominated oscar who played a fictional superhero, a fictional fictional superhero and now a reallife superhero. He suits up as the vulture in spiderman homecoming, it opens july 7th. Please welcome Michael Keaton [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . Im doing well. Jimmy i tell you, when you just gave me a little lift and a squeeze, if i had food in my mouth popped it out. Jimmy it would have heimliched me. You know what, i heimliched jimmy you did . Thats your penguins cap . Yeah, youre more focused on the stanley cup finals than the nba. No, but wow, Anthony Davis is here, thats a treat, that guy is unbelievable. I heimliched a guy. Jimmy you did . Where . Yeah, he wasnt choking. [ laughter ] i just wanted to try it out. No, no. A good buddy of mine, this is true, a very good friend of mine, dennis dugan, we were hanging out at his house, everyone had gone home after this party. We were throwing darts. Which we used to do a lot. All of a sudden i looked at him, hes really red in the face. Then hes kind of getting a shade of blue that was concerning. And he kind of goes, very calmly, kind of goes and i look