Thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for standing in line and braving the boy, it was hot today. Today as you probably know, todays the beginning of summer. Summer officially begins tonight. So if youre wondering why your kids stopped going to school, thats probably the reason. [ laughter ] its summertime. I love summertime. Guillermo, do you love summertime . Guillermo yes, jimmy, i love it. Jimmy even though i dont get the whole you do . Guillermo i love to get in the pool. Jimmy even though you cannot swim you love to get in the pool . Guillermo yeah. Only up to here. [ laughter ] jimmy only there. My favorite summer, if i had to pick one summer, i think my favorite was probably the summer of 69. Bought my first real six string. [ laughter ] maybe that was a song. It was 119 degrees in phoenix, arizona today. It was too hot to fly. They couldnt take off because i dont know, i guess the wheels were melting on the tarmac. People were so desperate for airconditioning dozens of them actually went to go see that baywatch movie. Thats how [ laughter ] it was 117 in las vegas where we grew up. You know, when it hits 117 in vegas, thats when the strippers really have it figured out. Theyre like, look at you idiots in clothes, were wearing nothing. Were at work. [ laughter ] heres a fun little item for those of you who are either currently incarcerated or plan to be incarcerated in the future. The state of california has what they call pay to stay jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. Did you know this . I didnt know about this. For 100 a night inmates can get a semiprivate room, single showers and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just dont ask where the mint on your pillow has been. [ laughter ] inmates can pay 250 a night and you can get unlimited access to movies, cable tv, and a cellmate who promises to stop at second base. [ laughter ] which isnt that crazy, though . [ cheers and applause ] i think the moral to this story is if youre planning on robbing a bank make sure you steal a lot so you can afford hulu in prison. [ laughter ] speaking of prisoners, White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer might soon be moving to another job in the administration. Hes reportedly in the process of interviewing his own replacements. Theyre looking for someone whos cool under pressure, well briefed on policy and can keep a straight face when saying yes, the gentleman from infowars. [ laughter ] i love this spin, though. Basically whats happening is trump is firing sean spicer but he doesnt want to fire him because it would be admitting he hired another doofus. [ laughter ] its the white house equivalent of telling the kids you sent fluffy to live on a farm upstate to run around. Spicer spoke to reporters today, and he showed once again just why he will be so difficult to replace. Very plainly a yes or no answer. Does President Trump believe that the russian government interfered in the 2016 election . I think i have not sat down and talked to him about that specific thing. Theres 16 intelligence agencies that say that they did. The former fbi director said that without a doubt the russians i understand. Ive seen the reports. Does the president share those views . I have not sat down and asked him about his specific reaction to them. So id be glad to touch base and get back to you. Jimmy by touch base and get back to you he means i am getting on a flight to maui and never coming back. Never. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, heres a young man who could use a press secretary. This is from a High School Graduation in exeter, pennsylvania where the senior class president gave a speech that did not go over well with the faculty. At our school the title of class president could more accurately be Class Party Planner and Student Councils main obligation is to paint signs every week. Despite some of the outstanding people in our school the lack of a real Student Government combined with the authoritative attitude that a few teachers, administrators and Board Members have prevents students from truly developing as leaders. Hopefully, this will change. Hopefully, for the sake of future students [ microphone off ] more people in this school [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the school pulled a kanye on the kid. [ laughter ] i dont like that. Whoever cut that mike off should not be in charge of an education of any kind. I want to find out exactly what happened. We tracked the kid down on social media. And joining us now, please say hello to peter butera. Hello, peter. How are you . [ cheers and applause ] im good. How are you . Jimmy not only were you the class president , you were the valedictorian too . That is correct. Jimmy what was your grade point average . Our school doesnt do the 1 through 4. We did 1 through 100 jimmy youre dodging the question. What was your grade point average never mind. Why were they so mad at you for that, peter . Well, i went off script and it wasnt the speech i handed in because i knew they wouldnt let me say what i wanted to say. Jimmy all you did was give the school like a twostar yelp review. You didnt do anything bad. Did you get yelled at afterwards . No. But you could tell they werent too happy. Jimmy were your parents proud or are you grounded forever . They were proud. They supported me. Jimmy since your school didnt let you finish your speech at the Graduation Ceremony i thought it would be nice to let you finish it on television. So go ahead and say whatever it was you were planning to say. [ applause ] i will not cut you off. And then it can get to them. All right . Go ahead. Thank you very much. Hopefully, for the sake of future students, more people of power within our school who do not do so already will begin to prioritize education itself as well as the empowering of students because at the end of the day it is not what we have done as wyomingarea students or athletes that will define our lives but what we will go on to do as wyomingarea alumni. And i hope that every one of my classmates here today as well as myself will go on to do great things in this world and achieve true happiness and success. Thank you all for coming out to this great celebration today. Jimmy thats a good speech. [ cheers and applause ] have you learned your lesson that you should always carry a bullhorn in your pants . I have. Jimmy thanks, peter. Where are you going to college . Are you going to college . Im going to Villanova University in the fall. [ applause ] jimmy well, good. Keep being a pain in the ass. Be a pain in the ass there too. I will. Jimmy i think we should encourage this sort of thing. Thank you. Thats peter butera. [ cheers and applause ] hes a good american. Let me tell you something. At my school a kid rode through graduation on a motorcycle naked, he didnt get in that much trouble. [ laughter ] hey, you know that doll named barbie, barbie the doll . Barbie is getting some new kens to play with. Mattel today unveiled a new line of what they call diverse ken dolls. These are the dolls. Its like the cast of the bachelorette only with more personality. [ laughter ] the weird thing is even though it was done in the name of diversity theyre all named ken. They dont even have their own names. [ laughter ] its true. This one is my favorite i think. This looks like this is the ken doll who uses tinder to cheat on barbie. [ laughter ] theyve got a ken with a man bun. [ laughter ] which your Little Brothers definitely going to tear the head off of. Every one of these ken dolls looks like a guy youd jump in a fire to avoid having a conversation with. I dont know whats going on with this one but im fairly certain this is rachel maddow. Right . [ cheers and applause ] weve got a lot of ken dolls. Amazon, im sure you heard about this. Amazon announced on friday a deal that shocked the business world. Amazon is planning to buy whole foods, the grocery stores, for 13. 7 billion. Or to put it in whole foods terms, for five cans of macadamia nuts. [ laughter ] the ceo of whole foods said this idea of joining forces with amazon came to him in a dream, which means this guy has some very white dreams. [ laughter ] but while many Business Leaders are praising this move, some customers are concerned that amazon will change the whole foods experience, and it will, but that isnt necessarily a negative. In fact, we put together a quick demonstration to show you exactly how it will work once these two Companies Join forces. Here we are. Imagine i am now in the grocery store. Welcome to amazon whole foods. Would you like to try our pita chips and hummus . Jimmy oh yes, sure, thank you very much. Did you like that just the one time or would you like to have it every other month . Jimmy just the one time. Hi, james. How did you enjoy your hummus . Jimmy jimmy. And it was fine. It was good. How fine was it . On a scale of 1 to 5 stars . Jimmy 4 i would say. You know, people who bought that hummus also enjoyed our tzatziki dip and our triple a batteries. Would you like to add those to your cart . Jimmy i dont really need batteries heres what one customer had to say about that hummus. Its too salty. [ laughter ] i like the old hummus. It was creamier, and you didnt have to mix the oil in with a spoon. Jimmy okay. You know, i dont really need all this extra information. I just wanted would you like to sign up for whole foods prime . Its 600. Along with your hummus youll get a Free Streaming Service from the duplass brothers. Jimmy id like just to take the hummus although i dont see any hummus on your table. Here comes a hummus drone. Jimmy wow. [ applause ] this is a terrible idea. Thank you very much. Thats actually our slogan. Amazon whole foods. A terrible idea. Jimmy oh. [ cheers and applause ] you can take your things. Why does it have to be in the thing to wheel it off . [ laughter ] by the way, i could use a hummus drone. That could be the key to peace in the middle east. A hummus drone. [ laughter ] im not sure if they have these at whole foods. Have you seen the unusually shaped deep sea creature thats been online . This is an animal thats been it was discovered by a team of horny australian scientists. [ laughter ] they call it the peanut worm. For real. This is what we know about the peanut worm. It lives 4,000 meters under the sea, and its jewish. [ laughter ] its a big deal. They say this is the first penisshaped creature discovered by scientists since nba commissioner adam silver. [ laughter ] of course this interests me because i have the maturity level of a 12yearold. So we decided to do a study. We went out on the street today with a picture of the peanut worm and asked people a simple question. We asked them what is this . And this is how they responded to that. What is this . Oh, my. [ laughter ] what is this . Oh, boy. That is a i have no idea. But i know what i think it is. It looks like genitalia. What is this . Its a its a penis. [ laughter ] what is this . This is a crazy wow. A penis. A glow stick . Mushroom . Zucchini . Or something that i cant talk about in public. What is this . Thats a [ bleep ]. Whoa. That looks like a [ bleep ]. It could be something for the ladies in the bedside cabinet. Penis. Its a penis. Its a big penis. Have you ever seen anything like that before . Have you ever been this close to one . No. Im a little uncomfortable. [ speaking Foreign Language ]. Its a penis. [ laughter ] oh. My gosh. It looks like a penis for me. A filipenis . Yeah. A filipenis. But the philippines is not that big. [ laughter ] a penis. A jellyfish. The penis of a jellyfish. That looks like some sort of a penis animal. I saw that. Its actually in the ocean. Its an ocean creature that i dont know the name of. What would you call it . Id call it a dildo sea urchin. What is this . I dont want to see. Whats it called . What you say . Penis. I couldnt quite hear you. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im glad we settled that. We have a great show for you tonight. Allison tolman is with us. Comedian Chris Charpentier is here. Lindsay ell is sitting in with the cletones, and well be right back with Casey Affleck. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] i hear its fine if youve got the time i hear the time most every night dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by jack daniels tennessee whiskey. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. This is our town. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] the ultrafine mist startstoms working instantly to deliver up to 12 hours of ahhhhh get fast relief with vicks sinex. Lobster and shrimp are teaming up in so many new dishes. Fest, like coastal lobster and shrimp, with shrimp crusted with kettle chips. Or new, overthetop lobster and shrimp overboard. But it cant last, so hurry in. The ford summer sales event is on. Its gonna work, i promise you, we can figure this out. Babe. Little help. Hold on, mom. No, wifi. Wifi. Its not a question, its a thing. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends july 5th. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back. Thats lindsay ell sitting in with the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, lindsay. Lindsay has an album coming out in august. Its called the project. And you can see lindsay on tour now with brad paisley. Lindsay, what is it like to tour with brad paisley . Is it true that he has a separate bus thats just for his hat . Of course. Of course, jimmy. And its even painted like a corvette. Jimmy it is. Is his bus really painted look a corvette . Hes that cool. Jimmy brad has a problem. He really does. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on our show Chadwick Boseman will be here. Tatiana maslany will join us. And well have music from kyle with lil yachty. On thursday anthony hopkins, Chris Hardwick and music from queen and adam lambert. So please join us for all this. [ applause ] tonight Chris Charpentier. Since we last saw our first guest he won the oscar for best actor and got a haircut which he needed, he really needed. His very unusual new project sounds like a horror movie but it isnt. A ghost story opens in select cities on july 7th. Please welcome Casey Affleck. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . I havent seen you since the oscars. And you look you look better without all that horrible hair. You think so . You mentioned it earlier. Jimmy yeah. It takes me a year to grow a single whisker. So once i had it i was holding on to it. I was actually shooting something at the time, so i had to have it. You kept yours, though, just for appearances. Jimmy i can grow mine overnight if i want to. I actually shaved this morning and its become already. How are you doing . Everythings great. Jimmy has it changed your life being the oscar winner for best actor . No, not really. Nothing changes. It was a terrifying experience. Jimmy it seemed like you had nothing planned when you got up there. Yeah. No. Jimmy is it true . Thats true. I mean, you know, to be honest, i cant remember what i said. I cant and im glad because i have a feeling that if i did remember or i watched it again id be very embarrassed. Jimmy oh, youve not watched it. I havent watched it. Jimmy i can understand that. I do remember basically what happened. So ill fill you in. [ laughter ] you did thank your brother ben, which was good because you totally forgot him at the golden globes. He complained the most. So he got thanked. Jimmy you gave him a very you were very nice to him. You did neglect to thank your kids, your sons. Thank you. Jimmy so that was bad. [ laughter ] or was that bad . That was terrible. I immediately realized i hadnt done that. That was a shame. I feel a little like peter. I wanted to make my speech again. Jimmy the kid yeah, the high school kid. That was a brilliant speech, by the way. Jimmy go ahead, make your speech if you want to. [ cheers and applause ] come on, peter. The thing is im going to kill you. [ laughter ] the thing i wanted to say really was that im not going to make the speech but what i wish i had said was to my kids because they are kind of you know, its the reason you do anything. And theyre the most important thing in your life. I also afterward i thought about how it was how they perceived it, dad up there on tv at this fancy show and what is he doing there. You know what i mean . Jimmy yeah. Which is a good question kind of. I just want i probably did want to tell them that like there were many, many years in there, thousands of auditions i didnt get, many parts i did get and they sucked. And no one liked them. And then you get so it wasnt always been trophies, you know. And there will be many more decades of struggling and doing bad movies and not getting parts again. Jimmy is that the plan . [ laughter ] yes. Thats the plan. Jimmy and the kids i wanted to lecture my kids. Thats what i really wish i had done with my time, is get up and lecture my kids. Jimmy its probably better. They probably got off easy. Did you call them afterwards . I called them immediately. I went into the wings, i called them up and i said i won this thing, the oscars, but i didnt mention you even though you are the most important thing in my life and i love you more than anything and i would trade a thousand oscars for you guys. And i still felt bad. So i went home right after and i gave them the oscar. Which i thought was like they would like. Jimmy yeah. And a few weeks later, this is true. I went into one of their rooms and i saw it actually in the corner with like a wet towel over it and like clothes and stuff. And i was like, you know what, im going to hang on to it, guys. [ laughter ] still yours. Im going to hang on to it. [ applause ] jimmy were the boys watching at the time . The