Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for standing in line and braving the boy, it was hot today. Today as you probably know, todays the beginning of summer. Summer officially begins tonight. So if youre wondering why your kids stopped going to school, thats probably the reason. [ laughter ] its summertime. I love summertime. Guillermo, do you love summertime . Guillermo yes, jimmy, i love drp. Jimmy you know, i dont get you do . Guillermo i love to get in the pool. Jimmy even though you cannot swim you love to get in the pool. Guillermo yeah. Only up to here. [ laughter ] jimmy my favorite summer, if i had to pick one summer, i think my favorite was probably the 69. Bought my first real six string. Maybe that was a song. It was 119 degrees in phoenix, arizona today. It was too hot to fly. They couldnt take off because i dont know, i guess the wheels were melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for airconditioning dozens of them actually went to go see that baywatch movie. Thats how [ laughter ] it was 117 in las vegas where we grew up. When it hits 117 in vegas, thats when the strippers really have it figured out. Theyre like, look at you idiots in clothes, were wearing nothing. Were at work. [ laughter ] heres a fun little item for those of you who are either currently incarcerated or plan to be inkars railted in the future. The state of california has what they call pay to stay jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. Did you know this . I didnt know about this. For 100 a night an inmate can get a semiprivate room, single showers and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just dont askar where the mint on your pillow has been. [ laughter ] you can get unlimited access to movies, cable tv, and a cellmate who promises to stop at second base. [ laughter ] which isnt that crazy, though . [ cheers and applause ] i think the moral to this story is if youre planning on robbing a bank make sure you steal a lot so you can afford hulu in prison. [ laughter ] speaking of prisoners, White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer might soon be moving to another job in the administration. Hes reportedly in the process of interviewing his own replacements. Theyre looking for someone whos cool under pressure, well briefed on policy and can keep a straight face when saying yes, the gentleman from infowars. [ laughter ] i love this spin, though. Basically whats happening is trump is firing sean spicer but he doesnt want to fire him because it would be admitting he hired another doofus. [ laughter ] its the white house equivalent of telling the kids you sent fluffy to live on a farm upstate to run around. Spicer spoke to reporters today, and he showed once again just why he will be so difficult to replace. Very plainly a yes or no answer. Does President Trump believe that the russian government interfered in the 2016 election . . I think i have not sat down and talked to him about that specific thing. Theres 16 Intelligence Agency thats say that they did. The former fbi director said that without a doubt the russians i understand. Ive seen the reports. Does the president share those views . I have not sat down and asked him about his specific reaction to them. So id be glad to touch base and get back to you. Jimmy by touch base and get back to you he means i am getting on a flight to maui and never coming back. Never. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, heres a young man who could use a press secretary. This is from a High School Graduation in exeter, pennsylvania where the senior class president gave a speech that did not go over well with the factll zblip at our school the title of class president could more accurately be Class Party Planner and Student Councils major obligation is to paint signs every week. Despite some of the outstanding people in our school the lack of a real Student Government combined with the authoritative attitude that a few teachers, administrators and Board Members have prevents students from truly developing as leaders. Hopefully, this will change. Hopefully, for the sake of future students [ microphone off ] more people in this school [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the school pulled a kanye on the kid. [ laughter ] i dont like that. Whoever cut that mike off should not be in charge of an education of any kind. I want to find out exactly what happened. We tracked the kid down on social media. And joining us now, please say hello to peter butera. Hello, peter. How are you . [ cheers and applause ] im good. How are you . Jimmy not only were you the class president , you were the valedictorian too . That is correct. Jimmy what was your grade point average . Our school doesnt do the 1 through 4. We did 1 through 100 jimmy youre dodging the question. What was your grained point average never mind. Why were they so mad at you for, that peter . I went off script and it wasnt the speech i handed in because i knew they didnt let me say what i wanted to say. Jimmy all you did was give the school basically a twostar yelp review. You dpnt do anything bad. Did you get yelled at afterwards . No. But you could tell they werent too happy. Jimmy were your parents proud or did they ground you forever . They were proud. Jimmy since your school didnt let you finish your speech at the Graduation Ceremony i thought it would be nice to let you finish on television. So go ahead and say whatever it was you were planning to say. [ applause ] i will not cut you off. And then it can get to them. Go ahead. Thank you very much. Hopefully, for the sake of future students, more people of power within our school who do not do so already will begin to prioritize education itself as well as the empowering of students because at the end of the day it is not what we have done as wyomingarea students or athletes that will define our lives but what we will go on as wyomingarea alumni. And i hope that every one of my classmates here today as well as myself will go on to do great things in this world and achieve true happiness and success. Thank you all for coming out to this great celebration today 37 jimmy thats a good speech. [ cheers and applause ] have you learned your lesson that you should always carry a bullhorn in your pants . I have. Jimmy thanks, peter. Where are you going to college . Are you going to college . Im going to Villanova University in the fall. [ applause ] jimmy well, good. Keep being a pain in the ass. Be a pain in the ass there too. I will. Jimmy i think we should encourage this sort of thing. Thank you. Thats peter butera. [ cheers and applause ] hes a good american. Let me tell you something. At my school a kid rode through graduation on a motorcycle nation, he didnt get in that much trouble. [ laughter ] hey, you know that doll named barbie, barbie the doll . Barbie is getting some new kens to play with. Mattel today unveiled a new line of what they call diverse ken dolls. These are the dolls. Its like the cast of the bachelorette only with more personality. [ laughter ] the weird thing is even though it was done in the name of diversity theyre all named ken. They dont even have their own names. [ laughter ] its true. This one is my favorite i think. This looks like this is the ken doll who uses tinder to cheat on barbie. [ laughter ] theyve got a ken with a man bun. [ laughter ] which your Little Brothers definitely going to tear the head off of. Every one of these ken dolls looks like a guy youd jump in a fire to avoid having a conversation with. I dont know whats going on with this one but im fairly certain this is rachel maddow. Right . [ cheers and applause ] weve got a lot of ken dolls. Amazon, eem sure you heard about this. Amazon announced on friday a deal that shocked the business world. Amazon is planning to buy whole foods, the grocery stores, for 13. 7 billion. Or to put it in whole foods terms, for five cans of macadamia nuts. [ laughter ] the ceo of whole foods said this idea of joining forces with amazon came to him in a dream, which means this guy has some very white dreams. [ laughter ] but while many Business Leaders are praising this move, some customers are concerned that amazon will change the whole foods experience, and it will, but that isnt necessarily a negative. In fact, we put together a quick demonstration to show you exa exactly how it will work once these two Companies Join forces. Here we are. Imagine i am now in the grocery store. Welcome to amazon whole foods. Would you like to try our pita chips and hummus . Jimmy oh, yes, sure, thank you very much. Did you like that just the one time or would you like to have it every other month . Jimmy just the one time. Hi, james. How did you enjoy your hummus . Jimmy jimmy. It was fine. It was good. How fine was it on a scale of 1 to 5 stars . Jimmy 4 i would say. You know people who bought that hummus also enjoyed our tzatziki dip and our triple a batteries. Would you like to add that to your cart . Jimmy im not sure heres what other customers had to say about the hummus. Its too salty. I like the old hummus. It was creamier, and you didnt have to mix the oil in with a spoon. Jimmy okay. You know, i dont really need all this extra information. I just wanted would you like to sign up for whole foods prime . Its 600. Along with your hummus youll get a Free Streaming Service from the dupe las brothers. Jimmy id like just to take the hummus although i dont see any hummus on your table. Here comes a hummus drone. Jimmy wow. [ applause ] this is a terrible idea. Thank you very much. Thats actually our slogan. Amazon whole foods. A terrible idea. Jimmy oh. [ cheers and applause ] you can take your things. Why does it have to be in the thing that wheel it off . [ laughter ] by the way, i could use a hummus drone. That could be the key to peace in the middle east. A hummus drone. [ laughter ] im not sure if they have these at whole foods. Have you seen the unusually shaped deep sea creature thats been online . This is an animal thats been it was discovered by a team of horny australian scientists. [ laughter ] they call it the peanut worm. For real. This is what we know about the peanut worm. It lives 4,000 meters under the sea, and its jewish. [ laughter ] its a big deal. They say this is the first penisshaped creature discovered by scientists since nba commissioner adam silver. [ laughter ] of course this interests me because i have the maturity level of a 12yearold. So we decided to do a study. We went out on the street today with a picture of the peanut worm and asked people a simple yes. We asked them what is this . And this is how they responded to that. What is this . Oh, my. [ laughter ] what is this . Oh, boy. That is a i have no idea. But i know what i think it is. It looks like genitalia. What is this . Its a its a penis. [ laughter ] what is this . This is a crazy wow. A penis. A glow stick . Mushroom . Zucchini . Or something that i cant talk about in public. What is this . Thats a [ bleep ]. Whoa. That looks like a [ bleep ]. It could be something penis. Its a penis. Its a big penis. Have you ever seen anything like that before . Have you ever been this close to one . No. Im a little uncomfortable. Its a penis. [ laughter ] oh. My gosh. It looks like a penis for me. A filipnenis . Yeah. But the philippines is not that big. A penis. A jaelfish. The penis of a jellyfish. That looks like some sort of penis animal. I saw that. Its actually in the ocean. Its an ocean creature that i dont know the name of. What would you call it . Id call it a dilled a dild urchin. What is this . I dont want to see. Whats it called . What you say . Penis. I couldnt quite hear you. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im glad we settled that. We have a great show for you tonight. Allison tolman is with us. Comedian Chris Charpentier is here. Lindsay ell is sitting in with the cletones, and well be right back with Casey Affleck. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] if youve got the time i hear the time most every night dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by mercedesbenz. Youve wished upon it all year, and now its finally here. The mercedesbenz summer event is back, with incredible offers on the mercedesbenz youve always longed for. But hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. Lease the c300 for 399 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Paybecause sometimeskout with any debit makes sense. Pes. And other times credit makes sense. Lights out. This is not how we play hide and seek. Thats what you think pops. And the student has surpassed the master. Are you ok . What happened . Dad kinda walked into my swing. Huh . Dont you mean dad kind of ruined our hawaii fund . I thud go to the thothpital. There goes the airfair. I dont think Health Insurance will cover all. Of that. Buth my fathe without that cash from aflac we might have to choose between hawaii or your face. Hawaii what . Haha. Hawaii you might have less coverage than you think. Visit aflac. Com and keep your lifestyle healthy. Aflac lobster and shrimp are teaming up in so many new dishes. Fest, like coastal lobster and shrimp, with shrimp crusted with kettle chips. Or new, overthetop lobster and shrimp overboard. But it cant last, so hurry in. No splashing wait, so you got rid of verizon, just like that . Uh huh. I switched to tmobile, kept my phone everything on it oh, they even paid it off wow yeah, its nice that every bad decision doesnt have to be permanent now you can ditch verizon but keep your phone. Well even pay it off when you switch to tmobile. Right. In. Your. Stomach watch this . Yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real ice cream, without that annoying lactose. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. Paypalso when youre readyayment preferto check outance. You wont have to type in those digits. Inthe only bed smart enough toer change sleep as we know it. It senses your every move and automatically adjusts on both sides to keep you comfortable. And snoring. Does your bed do that . Right now save on sleep number 360 smart beds. Plus, its the lowest prices of the season with savings of 500 on our most popular p5 bed. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back. Thats lindsay ell sitting in with the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, lindsay. Lindsay has an album coming out in august. Its called the project. And you can see lindsay on tour now with brad paisley. Lindsay, what is it like to tour with brad paisley . And true that he has a separate bus thats just for his hat . Of course. Of course, jimmy. And its even painted like a corvette. Jimmy it is. Is his bus really painted look a corvette . Hes that cool. Jimmy brad has a problem. He really does. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on our show Chadwick Bozeman will be here. Tatyana maslany will join us. And well have music from kyle with little yanni. On thursday anthony hopkins, Chris Hardwick and music from queen and adam lambert. So please join us for all this. [ applause ] tonight chris charpen ter. Since we last saw our first guest he won the oscar for best actor and he got a haircut which he really needed. His very unusual new project sounds like a horror movie but it isnt. A ghost story opens in select cities on july 7th. Please welcome Casey Affleck. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . I havent seen you since the oscars. And you look you look better without all that horrible hair. You think so . You mentioned it earlier. Jimmy yeah. It takes me a year to grow a single whisker. So once i had it i was holding on to it. I kept it because i was shooting something. You kept yours. Jimmy i can grow mine overnight. I actually shaved this morning and its back. How are you doing . Everythings great. Jimmy has it changed your life being the oscar winner for best actor . Reporte no, not really. Nothing changes. It was a terrifying experience. Jimmy it seemed like you had nothing planned when you got up there. Yeah. No. Jimmy is it true . Thats true. I mean, you know, to be honest, i cant remember what i said. I cant and im glad because i have a feeling that if i did remember or i watched it again id be very embarrassed. Jimmy oh, youve not watched it. I havent watched it. Jimmy i can understand that. I do remember basically what happened. So ill fill you in. [ laughter ] you did thank your brother ben, which was good because you totally forgot him at the golden globes. He complained the most. Sew got thanked. Jimmy you gave him a very you were very nice to him. You did neglect to thank your kids your sons. Thank you. Jimmy so that was bad. [ laughter ] or was that bad . That was terrible. I immediately realized i hadnt done that. That was a shame. I feel a little like peter. I wanted to make my speech again. Jimmy the kid yeah, the high school kid. That was a brilliant speech, by the way. Jimmy go ahead, make your speech if you want to. [ cheers and applause ] come on, peter. The thing is im going to kill you. [ laughter ] the thing i wanted to say really was that im not going to make the speech but what i wish i had said was to my kids because they are kind of you know, its the reason you do anything. And theyre the most important thing in your life. I also afterward i thought about how it was how they perceived, it dad up there on tv at this fancy show and what is he doing there. Jimmy yeah. Which is a good question kind of. I just want i probably did want to tell them that like there were many years in there, thousands of auditions i didnt get, many parts i did get and they sucked. So it hasnt always been trophies, you know. And there will be many more decades of struggling and doing bad movies and not getting parts again. Jimmy is that the plan . [ laughter ] yes. Thats the plan. Jimmy and the kids i wanted to lecture my kids. Thats what i really wish i had done with my times get up and lecture my kids. Jimmy its probably better. They probably got off easy. Did you call them afterwards . I called them immediately. I went into the wings i called them up and i said i won this thing, the oscars, but i didnt mention you even though you are the most important thing in my life and i love you more than anything and i would trade a thousand oscars for you guys. And i still felt bad. So i went home right after and i gave them the oscar. Which i thought was like they would like. Jimmy yeah. And a few weeks later, this is true. I went into one of their rooms and i saw it actually in the corner with