Dicky from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live with special guest host david spade. Tonight, Courteney Cox. Director guy ritchie. This week in unnecessary censorship. And music from altj. And now, guess what . Heres david spade [ cheers and applause ] david whoo hello, guys. Hello, hello. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming. For those of you who dont know me, im david spade, keith urbans younger sister. [ laughter ] last night, you had kristen bell. Im what shes going to look like in 15 years. [ laughter ] i flew in from boston this morning. I had a lovely breakfast, 6 00am at the airport. I was at one of the 2 foot wide circular counters jammed in a bagel place. The guy comes up to me and says, theres ten tables, hes right next to me. He goes, doing a little bagel action today, spade . I say, yeah. Doing a little bagelage . Uhhuh, uhhuh. Bagel it up, dude. You know hes telling someone right now, you know i was at the airport, saw spade, had breakfast, we were cracking it up there, guys cool. You know, we are on hollywood boulevard if you havent noticed. My first ever apartment in la was a mile from here. It was a loft apartment. Meaning the bed was about ten feet up, sticking out of the wall, you have to take a ladder to get up there. The landlord said, listen, its a little rickety. Its not too sturdy. I dont want more than 500 pounds up there. I said, trust me, i dont want more than 500 pounds up there either. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ drumroll ] david whos with me . Scott from chicago, you know what im talking about. Guillermo, you like that one . Guillermo . What are you doing . Are you not into it because its not jimmy . Oh all right. Youre loyal, hes loyal, oak, thats fine, well keep going. Good talk, guillermo. [ laughter ] now, right here on hollywood boulevard, they have a mattress store. I was buzzing around, went into a mattress store, obviously bored. They have a new mattress that has a sensor in it if you think your spouse is cheating on you, it detects sex motions then buzzes your phone if it hears you know, whatever. This is how far its gone, ridiculous. Let me tell you something, folks. If youre buying this mattress, your spouse is cheating on you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is going past swiping pictures on instagram. But how embarrassing to be 3000 miles away on a business trip, everythings serious. Youre like, and furthermore buzzing. And youre like, um, guys, i got to take this. Its my mattress calling. Never good news. Nothing, guillermo . Were an hour from vegas, anybody here from vegas . No ones from vegas. You guys all travel. Vegas has the best shows. I was there two nights ago. I saw stomp. You know what this is . Its great, its got the garbage cans. I dont want to give it all away. [ laughter ] but if you get a chance. You definitely definitely make an effort. My friend said, you have to go to the bellagio. Hes a super vegas guy. Go to the bellagio, its all hookers. I go, whos the hooker . He goes, you can tell. I cant tell. He goes, you know. I go, i dont know. They need to help me out, a nametag or a scrunchy to the side or something. [ laughter ] are you a hooker . No im your waitress. My friend said you might be. Its tough. Meeting girls is tough. Look at this guy on his phone, hes tindering. You know, when you meet girls its all about the phones. You know what guys do lately. Because im old. They send pictures of their you know. You know what i mean . They lead with it. This is how theyre dating. Hey, you want to meet the rest of they like what you see so far . I grew up in a simpler time. Some of you guys did. To win over a girl, back then you had to do it with a pen and paper, you remember this . If you liked a girl you had to sketch out your [ bleep ] and give it to her, you know that . You make the balls a little bigger. Yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah, it was more romantic. Hm . Nothing . Ive been getting hassled by the paparazzi a little more lately. Theres nothing worse than when you walk out of a restaurant and the paparazzi are right there where you told them to be. [ laughter ] really frustrating. By the way in world news, which i obviously know nothing about because im stupid, went to community college. North korea didnt even finish. North korea is really getting serious lately, i dont know if youve seen their new propaganda video. Its so overbudget and poorly made im surprised i wasnt in it. [ laughter ] hey [ cheers and applause ] david thats the one . Guillermo finally you have a good one. David i finally had a good all right. By the way, today is basically the super bowl for guillermos liver, its cinco de drinko you know youre serious when he tweets this at 7 00 this morning. Happy Cinco De Mayo, tequila time probably wasnt a great idea to it you on a spinning chair tonight, guillermo. [ laughter ] on a scale from one to third night of coachella how drung do you feel right now . Guillermo i tink im okay. David you tink. Ill bet you 100 youre over the legal limit of. 08. Guillermo lets do it. David you take that bet . Come over here, well do a breathalyzer. [ cheers and applause ] under. 08, you win. Over. 08, i win, i and i give you the money for an uber. Here weve got a breathalyzer. Mines still attached to my car. Ready . Blow into this. Oh, no thats device. Guillermo can i Say Something . David yeah. Guillermo this thing doesnt work with mexicans, okay . Happy Cinco De Mayo, everybody [ cheers and applause ] david you went off the strip. All right, guillermo. In a shocking turn of events anyway. You stay there maybe for the rest of the year. Speaking of booze, we have a quick video of our president. When i saw it i thought he looked a little buzzed. [ tape playing very slowly ] you know, coming from a different world and only being a politician for a short period of time, how am i doing, am i doing im president. Hey, im president do you believe it . I dont know. [ cheers and applause ] david thats pretty funny. Thanks for coming, well be right back now look what you made me do you and me baby it takes two bringing new moves to the Old School Time for the whole world to enjoy the view we can go left they can go right save me a dance for the end of the night when im with you its a party dont care where were going 1, 2, 3 get loose no it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make it out of sight. Where did we find the inspiration for our new flavors . It walked right in the door. Introducing new signature crafted recipes. Pico guacamole. Sweet barbecue bacon. Maple bacon dijon. You bring your flavor to the world. We bring ours to you. Youre not taking these. Hey, hey, hey youre not taking those. Whoa, whoa youre not taking that. Come with me. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Mom, im taking the subaru. Dont be late. Even when were not there to keep them safe, our Subaru Outback will be. vo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Its a very simple procedure, mr. Diaz. Were just going to make one small incision here, then were gonna go in and remove your 67 corvette. My vette . Its just a gall bladder you dont have. Aflac paying you cash, so you might have to sell that sweet little muscle machine just to cover your rent. More funny juice. But my papa gave me. That. Car. What do you wish you had . Aflac. Ohh, i love doing that. Health can change, but the life you love doesnt have to. Keep your lifestyle healthy with aflac mone hundredts thousand times a day, sending oxygen to my muscles. Again so i can lift even the most demanding weight. Take care of all your most important parts with centrum. Now verified non gmo and gluten free. This clean was like pow everything well . My teeth are glowing. They are so white. Step 1 cleans. Step 2 whitens. Crest [hd]. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening a i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. [ cheers and applause ] david all right. Hey all right. Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. Im david spade. Im the final guest host of the week. I think of myself as a great guest host like joan rivers and much like her ill probably die in my 80s getting plastic surgery. [ laughter ] isnt that nice . By the way, you may know, back in the 90s i was on saturday night live. [ cheers and applause ] i wore a ton of wigs for all the sketches and i loved doing that. But in real life, i have stupid harry everyone makes fun of it. Its been described at unisex. Thats the nicest thing. [ laughter ] so we came up with a guessing game because this is what tv has become. How it works is im going to show you a picture of some hair, then you have to guess if that hair is mine or a famous chicks. Its time for spadey or lady . [ cheers and applause ] all right, here we go. First up. Is that spadey or a lady . What do you think . Lets see. All right. Hey [ cheers and applause ] no layering. One length. Sort of like a bob. This game is already hurting my feelings. All right, next. Lady . I think lady. What is it . Jennifer. Okay, ill give you that one. Lets do another one. Spadey or lady . Yeah . Yeah, thats right. I like that one. That was my kato kaelin phase. This one . Are you sure . Thats scarjo. I could pull that look off if you gave me a smoky eye. All right. Next one. I dont know, do it. I hit dry bar pretty hard. And one more. Guillermo . No idea . Guillermo . Oh, youre out . All right. The answer is its both. Me as a lady. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for playing americas favorite game eating up monologue time with david spade. All right. [ laughter ] and one more thing. Its the end of the week, and that means two things happen around here at Jimmy Kimmel Live. Number one, an intern gets fired. Hit the bricks dylan. No, beat it, this is not a bit, go. All right. This is one of my is he gone . This is one of my favorite jimmy bits. Where he bleeps and blurs big tv moments, whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. A white house effort under way to explain president trumps comment that hed be honored to [ bleep ] kim jongun. [ bleep ] you, mr. President. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you for your leadership. A bizarre story out of virginia where police are looking for the person or people [ bleep ]ing cats. That was the first time i heard about the [ bleep ] inside of tommy lasorda. A passenger on the plane recorded two other passengers [ bleep ]ing before takeoff. I will blep billi[ bleep ] bd billions of [ bleep ]. Make America Great . No, his message was [ bleep ] the mexicans. Fox news contributor, but his specialty is [ bleep ]ing. Karl rove is here. My favorite food is guavas. Im looking to give my girlfriend a [ bleep ] shes never going to forget. Did you [ bleep ] president obama . Yeah, i [ bleep ] president obama. And i [ bleep ]ed donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] david that was funny. Tonight on the show, music from altj, guy ritchie, and be right back with Courteney Cox right now. [ cheers and applause ] t. J. Maxx asks, shes pretty and nice like me. She is special. He knows me better than my husband somedays. My mom likes pink. Mommy loves roses. Its a surprise. You picked this out by yourself . Its a purse. I know you love purses. I do celebrate the unique mom in your life, with values everyone will love. Happy mothers day you might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Sweet cinnamonsugar on the outside, crazy on the inside. Crave those crazy squares. Sweet cinnamonsugar on the outside, crazy on the inside. Crave those crazy squares. Busibusinessman 1 yea, yea, yea. You know what iml craving right now . Businessman 1 over speaker guacamole and bacon. Audio tech we got a craving go go go music crashing cravings in the crave van. Jacks gonna crash your crave jack hey guys, try my guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich with all white meat chicken, guacamole and pepperjack cheese. Businessman 1 thanks jack. Wait. Were on the 18th floor. How did you get here . Jack hard work. Jack vo you crave it, we serve it. Try my new guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich. Music crave van [ cheers and applause ] david hey. All right, guys. Welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] david spade in covering for jim kimmel. Tonight on the show, hes the director of snatch, sherlock holmes, the new film king arthur legend of the sword guy ritchie is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, their new album relaxer comes out june 2nd. Altj from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Thats coming up. [ cheers and applause ] you get what im saying. Jimmy will be back in the saddle next week. And as a reminder, if youd like to help the great hospital that did such Amazing Things for the kimmel family the past couple of weeks, you can donate to Childrens Hospital los angeles at the address on your screen. [ cheers and applause ] hopefully, theyll get a bunch of drunken Cinco De Mayo donations tonight. My first guest has nothing to promote. She just wants you to watch friends reruns so she gets a little money from that. Shes just being cool to come out. This is Courteney Cox [ cheers and applause ] thank you. David they like you. Nice monologue. David yeah, right . Me blabbing away. [ laughter ] whats your first story . No, im kidding. Lets do it. David no, im new. Its great to see you. By the way, it works, by the way. If youre not good. David yeah. You are good. David its casual friday here. Yep. David obviously. Cinco de mayo. David yeah, your cinco shirt on, sweet. Are you as drunk as guillermo at this point . Look at him. Hes still sitting back there. Guillermo, that bits been over for 30 minutes. He doesnt care. So lets tell everybody how we first met. Its riveting im sure. Oh, yes. We met on saturday night live. David thats right. [ cheers and applause ] i already milked that applause earlier. You did . David in the monologue. But saturday night live, you were the host. You came in, you were on your show. And everyone was excited to see you. Every dude had a crush on you, every writer, every cast member. It was very exciting to have you. I was so nervous. It was way too early in my career to be doing that show. I would like to do it now but that was the first year of friends. David oh, is that friends was big immediately. Yeah. David wow. Because i was thinking you were probably just getting accustomed to friends being huge and then going right into saturday night live, which is terrifying. I was staying in this cabin up in big bear with my entire family in winn room. It was literally like i was not used to any kind of luxury. This is me getting a call, oh my god, yeah. I was panicked, so excited. But no, i wasnt accustomed to any big of anything. David ive hosted saturday night live since. Its terrifying still. And id been there so long. Youre in 90 things that are grabbing you and pulling you. You came on i think i was in three sketches that week. I wrote one with you . Or there was one with a gap for you and there was some other one where i was hitting on you, then acting cool. Then i turned into like all over you, like fatal attraction. [ laughter ] it was great. The gap one we have a clip from. Hey okay, i guess you win. Lets go to the bonus round and pick one category. Okay. I will take, would you . Get ready, answer as many questions as possible, here we go. Would you macdill lon . Of course. Would you tom arnold . No way. Snoop doggy dog . Yes. Scott baio . I did. Oh my god what . He was really nice. I met him last summer when he was signing posters at the mall. He took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of chateau briand. [ cheers and applause ] david you remember that . Barely, i know. Barely, barely. Chateau briand is a steak, that was why that was hilarious. [ laughter ] i was really overacting like [ bleep ]. You were great . Good. So we have stayed friends, right . Yes. We live close to each other. David we live close to each other. I finally got on your street, which is a good one. Shes known for taking houses and making them beautiful. Youve got a great touch for that. Im not known for anything like that. But i have a nice house. Hes got a tennis court, more importantly. David i have a tennis court so it made us be better friends. [ laughter ] you would come over and play tennis. I would walk up the hill and play tennis at your house. His tennis court, its like a 12yearold lives there, no offense. Its ramps, skateboard ramps. Do you even skateboard . David i do, yeah, im sort of a phoney but i used to skateboard all the time, but now i just say i do. Okay, it felt really it was disarray for sure. David yeah, yeah, yeah. For someone like you whos very clean and meticulous, your house is perfect. Then mine is a disaster area. I am neat, i cant help it. I have a similarity with monica, i cant help it. [ cheers and applause ] money cass clean, im neat. I actually am a little admit more of this person underneath. David yeah, youre clean too. [ laughter ] one time i told her to come over and i wanted to get her eye, you know, for the inside of my house, i wanted her to help fix it up or give me tips. Soft just to show off my house and have her tell me how great it was. And then what happened . Well, i went into your you wanted to redo your kitchen. And i said, lets start with tearing it down. David yes. [ laughter ] then you said no other rooms really matched my kitchen, we should probably go with all the rooms again. And when i see your houses i realize, im a dude, i dont know whats going on. As long as you did do it. David i did start to do it. Its not that cool but its better. Its a mansion, a house, whatever. [ laughter ] what my saying . Its not 88 rooms, 55 windows, i dont know. [ laughter ] now, we played tennis. One time i told you your ka fees were hilarious. And that got me in trouble. I thought it was a compliment. I dont know yes thought that. Yeah would that be a compliment . David i dont know why. You ragged me about that a couple of years. I think i said they were hysterical. She has great legs. My knees are hysterical. That could not be good. David maybe i was trying to get you back. Here was your big compliment to me. Dont ever fix your teeth. And i go, whats up with my teeth . By the way, at this point i didnt know they were crooked. And she goes, no, i like them like that. You know what . I think its because you had a chip in your tooth, and guess what, you fixed your teeth. David i did. I told you not its Nothing Better than a smile that someone has a little bit of an imperfection, i love it. David if you dont like perfect, you came to the right place. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] once you got married i said, oh, im just go