and it was close, it was tied, second half i think gonzaga was up by a point. my wife went to kansas where they won a lot. she said, this is very stressful, i'm glad my team is not playing in this game. and i looked at her and i was like, i think you might be the missing the point of this. she's pregnant, though, so i decided to let her stay in the house. did any of you watch the college basketball game last night? [ cheers and applause ] it was, is as you know, north carolina won it, they're national champions once again. it wasn't a high-scoring game. i think there were more capital one commercials than there were points in the game. but that didn't temper the enthusiasm of north carolina at all. after they won, fans and students in chapel hill did what college students often do. they set fire to a couch. which i will say, this is something i will never understand. that couch, that couch let you sit on it the whole tournament. supported you for every game this season. and now you win and instead of celebrating together, you burn it? [ laughter ] that would be like winning the kentucky derby then shooting the horse. anyway. the big winner last night, at least here in our office, in our world, was a gentleman named brad mutual day hee. brad works here. everyone's laughing already. brad's an interesting gentleman. he won our office pool. and, well, that's brad. you can see he's already doing great things with the money he won. [ laughter ] he blew it all on orange soda and potato chips in a can. so anyway, it looks like he's packing for the saddest camping trip ever. but i was thinking it. the weird part is brad, by winning office pool, brad made more money from this tournament than any of the players on the winning team. that seems fair, right? i mean, well, you know they don't get -- never mind. [ laughter ] anyway, the ncaa tournament is over. now all we have is facebook, instagram, snapchat, and twitter to distract us from working while we're at work. speaking of twitter, the national archives and records administration in washington, d.c., this is where they store the constitution, the declaration of independence, the gettysburg address. they have asked the white house to save all of president trump's tweets. everything he tweets, they want to have on record. it's important to have all the president's tweets so that future historians will be able to ga back and see what was on fox news that day. [ laughter ] by the way, i think there's already a service that archives all the tweets from donald trump's twitter account, it's called donald trump's twitter account. [ laughter ] scroll and up you'll see. the president has been very busy this week. yesterday he signed a bill, he signed a bill yesterday that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. [ audience groaning ] he knows what the people want and he gives to it them. now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. we still can't see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. a lot of people are upset about this. democratic politicians, privacy advocates, perverts, you name it, they don't want this to happen. but it's the kind of thing you really can't make too big a deal about. you can't take a big stand. because if you do say -- if you stand up and say, i don't want anyone looking at my search history, all of a sudden people are like, well what are you trying to hide? what kind of weird unicorn penises are you looking at? [ laughter ] and then, you know. meanwhile in sweden, talk about a violation of privacy. there's a company in sweden that instead of giving their employees access cards you keep in your wallet or around your neck, they will implant a microchip in your hand that you can use to open the door, use the printer, or buy food at the office cafeteria. it's like an identifying -- what would you call it, guillermo? >> guillermo: maybe like -- information or something? >> jimmy: exactly that, yeah. [ laughter ] would you let me put a chip inside of you, guillermo? here at work? >> guillermo: anything for you, jimmy. >> jimmy: really, okay. >> guillermo: anything that makes you happy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm not going to just put a chip in you, i'm going to put a whole bag of chips and guacamole in you. >> guillermo: i'm ready. >> jimmy: this is great, from south africa, where a man noticed three burglars trying to bre ni break into his home, he decided to have some fun with it. >> ahem! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what an incredibly polite way to scare them off. [ applause ] crime is a very important subject to me. as you may know, in addition to my work as host of this show, i am also a tv judge. i dispense justice and wisdom alongside my trusted bailiff guiller guillermo. these are real cases. we swoop in and steal them from small claims court, real lit gants who have decided to let them disputes be settled by none other than judge james. >> announcer: this is the plaintiff, richard townsend. he claims he hired the defendant, shira lowett, to build a meditation 39. when he hit her know he wasn't happy with her work, she refused to repair or reimburse. he's seeking enlightment money. this is the defendant. she maintains the plaintiff approved the shrine, every step of the way, then claimed to be dissatisfied a month after delivery. it's the case of, when buddha got screwedda. >> guillermo: raise your right hand. >> announcer: what you are about to witness is real. the participants are not actors, they're litigants with a case pending in civil court. both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case settled here by judge james. >> guillermo: rise for your honor james. i mean judge james. >> jimmy: that was some introduction. >> guillermo: the litigants have been swearing your honor. >> jimmy: what? >> guillermo: the lit gants have been swearing your honor. >> jimmy: what? >> guillermo: the litigants have been swearing your honor. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: the lit tants has been swear in your honor. >> jimmy: go stand over there. >> guillermo: all right. >> jimmy: you will be seated. except for the plaintiff and department. >> guillermo: oh, that was my job, your honor. >> jimmy: sorry, go ahead and say it. >> guillermo: you can sit down now. >> jimmy: here we go, we're clicking already. let's see here. richard townsend, you are suing shira lowa for the prepayment of a custom meditation shrine you claim was not made satisfactorily, correct? >> correct. >> jimmy: ms. lowa, you claim the claim he prepaid is a lie, you claim after you sent him photos of the shrine you completed he texted back that you quote nailed it. >> yes. >> jimmy: tell me about this meditation shrine. >> i can show you. >> jimmy: please show me, thank you. tell me what is the purpose of this meditation shrine? >> what is the purpose of it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> to meditate on. >> jimmy: you kneel on it? >> no, you don't sit on it. you sit in front of it. >> jimmy: what is it about the shrine that dissatisfied you? >> there were several things about the shrine that dissatisfied me. there was a real lack of attention of detail to went into this. if you look at the right side of the piece of work, you can see one corner it's riveted, the other corner it's not riveted. here's what it looks like when it's not riveted up close. you can see that the corner peels up. >> jimmy: you're very picky for a guy who doesn't button his shirt, i'll tell you that. >> let's get to the big point. i told her, we discussed this clearly, that the fabric that was going to be put on was going to need to be stretched for obvious reasons, we don't want to show wrinkles, we don't want to show exactly what it shows in the picture. look at the creases and imperfections. it wasn't pulled tight. >> jimmy: did it look good when you received it? >> no, this is the way it looked the moment i took it out of the box. >> jimmy: isn't it relatively simple to stretch the fabric? >> do you want to talk about that? >> jimmy: who the hell this is? >> i did the fabric portions. we talked about different solutions to making the fabric work. >> jimmy: how much would it cost to fix the piece? >> for the panels, no more than $1,000 for the panel sections. >> i candle straight how it should have been done. with respect to this gentleman he's suffering a lack of imagination. >> guillermo: a what? >> jimmy: he's got the devil on his arm, think he's got some imagination. as far as you nailed it goes. when did you get that e-mail from mr. townsend? >> this is the text message string of photos. and then i finished the project. and at the very end of those photos is his response. >> those are photographs, your honor. >> jimmy: you saw the photographs, based on the photographs they looked good. >> exactly. >> jimmy: when you saw it in person, you were not happy with it? >> correct, exactly. >> jimmy: what's your relationship like now? you were friends beforehand? >> we're still friends now. >> no. i -- yeah, no. >> jimmy: when you're meditating do you think about this sometimes? get angry? >> i try not to. >> jimmy: isn't one of the tenets of buddhism to reject material possessions? >> no, it's not. it's not a tenet, no. >> jimmy: seems like it should be, right? >> guillermo: yeah. >> yeah, on that i've had in the same folder you were looking at, there was a bunch more pieces of previous and current work that i've been doing. >> jimmy: are there any games on this ipad? >> gales, i don't know, probably. >> jimmy: are there any pictures of you in a bikini? >> welding, yes, actually. >> jimmy: then i'll go through this. all right. meditate. i'll be back with my ruling. >> announcer: will judge james rule in favor of captain cleavage? or will he jump through hoop earrings to find in favorite of the defendant? will his bumbling bailiff be able to put together a coherent sentence? >> jimmy: what? >> announcer: judge james' verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, the thrilling conclusion to "judge james." so stick around! 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[ laughter ] there would be no question about this. in other news from the 1990s, aol and yahoo! announced that they're merging to form a new company called oath. which that's big news. that's like hearing blockbuster is merging with radio shack. [ laughter ] like when the two saddest, drunkest people at the bar hook up. [ laughter ] you feel kind of good for them but also bad. a lot of people in the industry are wondering what they have planned. it's very mysterious. today oath put out this short video to give us a taste what was they have up their collective sleeve. >> aol and yahoo!, two internet titans join forces to form oath. a revolutionary technology company pushing the envelope to bring you a time machine. capable of taking us all back to 1998. where aol and yahoo! were still relevant. oath. where every day is throwback thursday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's interesting. all right. well. i can't wait to ask jeeves about that. all right. time to go back to our courtroom. as our legal drama comes to a head in part two of "judge james." >> announcer: this bare-chested buddhist says the piece of work he commissioned from the confedera defendant is a piece of [ bleep ]. the defendant disagrees. judge james is about to rule. let's listen. >> jimmy: you may be seated. so i've given this a lot of thought. by the way, i thought you were kidding about the bikini shots. your artwork is very good and i like the bikini bikini bikini bk did you open another button since i was gone? >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: all right, so bottom line is this. you made the shrine, it looked good in the photos that you sent him. when he got the shrine, he was unhappy. we still don't know for sure how much it would cost to fix that fabric. but i called in an expert. can we please send in our expert? he goes by the name mr. fabric. mr. fabric? mr. fabric, in your expert opinion, how much would it cost to fix the imperfections in the the shrine? >> guillermo: hm. i'll say like -- like $2,600. $2,600.42. >> jimmy: $2,600.42. that is half the cost of the shrine. i award the plaintiff $2,600.42. namaste. >> guillermo: all right this case is finished. everybody can leave. >> judge james has rendered his verdict. let's speak with the defendant. how do you feel about the decision? >> i hope that his meditation practice improves with less wrinkles. >> you do, okay. he says you're still friends. do you have plans this weekend with the plaintiff? >> definitely not. >> no? >> no, no. >> okay. go back and meditate, guillermo has some things for you to sign. now the plaintiff, the big winner. are you happy with the verdict? >> i'm very satisfied, i feel great. >> riveting testimony about rivets. why don't you use a rivet to close up that shirt. thank you. >> announcer: on the next judge james -- >> i travel, i travel. >> i'm dressing, your honor, i'm dressing. >> jimmy: what are you dressing to? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show, music from dustin lynch, jenny slade is here. be right back with pierce brosnan! >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by, new flonase sensimist allergy relief. learn how to be greater than your allergies with the eh bee family at begreater the flonase.com. welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. you stand out in a crowd. and are pulled together. you follow your own lead and show your strength. always comfortable in your own skin. we see what makes you unique. so we have something for everyone, at a price that's just right for you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx so find a venus smooth that contours to curves, the smoother the skin, the more comfortable you are in it. flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. skin smoothing venus razors. live-streat the airport.e sport, binge dvr'd shows, while painting your toes. on demand laughs, during long bubble baths. tv on every screen is awesome. the all-new xfinity stream app. all your tv at home. the most on demand, your entire dvr, top networks, and live sports on the go. included with xfinity tv. xfinity the future of awesome. busibusinessman 1: yea, yea, yea...you know what i'ml craving right now? businessman 1: (over speaker) --guacamole and bacon. audio tech: we got a craving! go go go!!! music: crashing cravings in the crave van. jack's gonna crash your crave! jack: hey guys, try my guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich with all white meat chicken, guacamole and pepperjack cheese. businessman 1: thanks jack.... wait. we're on the 18th floor. how did you get here? jack: hard work. jack vo: you crave it, we serve it. try my new guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich. music: crave van! >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight, from the new movie "gifted" a very gifted woman jenny slate is here. then this is his new single, it's called "small town boy" dustin lynch from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see dustin this weekend at the tortuga music festival in fort lauderdale. tomorrow night eric stonestreet will be here, we have something very special with lena dunham and the cast of "girls," riz ahmed will join us, and we'll have music from cold war kids. and thursday adam sandler, nathalie emmanuel, and music from starley. please join us for all of that. if looks, talent and charisma weren't looked down upon in our sick society, i'm sure our first guest would have gone much further in life. he plays texas oilman eli mccullough in the tv adaptation of the book "the son". >> i got him. [ horse neighing ] >> jimmy: ow. "the son" premieres saturday night on amc. please welcome pierce brosnan! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good, thanks, i'm good. >> jimmy: is it fun to ride a horse and hit a guy on the head? it seems like as far as acting goes that's about as much fun as it could be. >> i like horses. and, you know, i didn't fall off the damn thing. i've ridden horses all my life. yeah, riding horses, hitting guise over the head, can be fun. but it was darn hot out there, it was summertime, we shot this last summer. it was austin, texas. >> jimmy: so it wouldn't so much fun. >> it was fun, yeah. but you get up and the heat advisory is 105 or something like this. and by -- >> jimmy: that was a mistake. it's funny because people are always shooting things up in vancouver. and the one time you decided to shoot in texas, you're sweating your balls off. [ laughter ] i mean, let's be honest. >> yep. i'm hot, the horse is hot and the balls are hot, yeah. >> jimmy: had you done a texas accent before? >> no. >> jimmy: how do you figure that out? do you have a coach that comes in. >> i had. i came in at the 11th hour to this show. so i had a coach. then i began to listen to willie nelson, and from willie nelson to rick perry, and rick perry to waylon jennings. >> jimmy: wow. >> ended up with a senator, ted poe. >> jimmy: is that right? >> i listened to him a lot. and then i -- that's funny. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know if ted knows. no, i don't think he does know. >> maybe now he does. i imagine that would be -- i guess that would be a compliment? wouldn't it? >> well, i don't know. >> jimmy: we'll let ted decide for himself whether it's a compliment. >> that was a tricky part of doing it. the rest was great. i'd read the book. the book came out in 2013. i had it by the bed and i never really got to finish it because we had a house fire, actually. >> jimmy: the book burned in the fire? >> the book burnt in the fire. >> jimmy: oh, boy. oh, why. >> aston martin burnt in the fire. >> jimmy: your aston martin burnt in the fire? when you're james bond doesn't another aston martin just appear magically? >> i wish. i wish. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that is -- boy, that's a terrible thing. when your house burns down. >> it didn't burn down all the way, it was in the garage. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> and then it was just, you know, smoke and stuff like that. but anyway. the book i read -- >> jimmy: do you consider that a bad omen that the book you're reading burns in a fire in your house, and then they ask you to be part of the project? you go yeah? [ laughter ] >> no, didn't cross my mind. >> jimmy: you should have known you were going to be hot in austin. based on that fact alone. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i guess i should have, you know? well, an actor's life. it was a great job to do. you know. it opens up here very shortly. >> jimmy: you love to paint. we talked about this last time you why here. how much do you devote to that, painting? >> well, i'm doing more of it. because i'm going to have a show in paris at the end of the year. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> yeah. i decided to push the boat out and show the work. >> jimmy: does that make you nervous? >> uh-huh, yeah, sure. >> jimmy: i would think so. >> i kind ofkon if i can sing in "mamma mia" i can throw a few paintings on the wall. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a good way of looking at it. this will be at a gallery? will your paintings be for sale? will people be able to buy them? >> that's the idea. i think this curator, this woman, she said maybe three or four pieces. and, you know. have them go off to a good collector, stuff like that. >> jimmy: i see. you only have three or four piece in the show? >> no, no, i'll have about 30 pieces in the show. >> jimmy: i see. >> i've got about 153 pieces over the years. >> jimmy: oh, really, wow. i want to show a couple of them if you don't wamind. this is the preshow show. i really like this one, i would buy this one. is this one for sale? >> that is for sale. >> jimmy: it is, okay. this is fidel castro. >> he was on the cover of "cigar aficionado" and i just painted it. my paintings take a long time, not because i'm a great painter, because i'm a lazy painter. [ laughter ] anyway. this is a wall in cuba. 25 foot long. my wife keyly and i were there years ago. 15 foot high. put it at the bottom of the painting. >> jimmy: this is a self-portrait. kind of a self-portrait. really it's a portrait of you playing a character? >> it's from a movie i did called "the matador. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> jimmy: and again, there's another theme here that we can see. is that your aston martin? [ laughter ] >> no. i should have known then. wow. >> jimmy: there's a lot going on here with you. >> that's crazy. that's crazy. yeah it's the opening of the movie, really. >> jimmy: this is something you did for your son. your son is a musician. and this is his album cover, right? >> that is my son dylan. dylan brosnan. he's a musician. he's at film school here at usc. but he wanted to be a musician. [ applause ] >> jimmy: did he ask you to do this for him? >> yeah, he did. it's called "raspberry blond." that's the name of his band. it's called "belong." >> jimmy: does he pay you to do slide? >> no. >> jimmy: not even for the supplies or anything? [ laughter ] >> nada. he's not making much money. >> jimmy: this is just proof that you've been doing it a long time. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: there you are. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's a great look. that's your painting outfit? [ applause ] >> it was a crazy shirt i had. it was my inner self coming out. >> jimmy: they're applauding the shirt. that's something else. >> that's the way it goes. but anyway. that's the intention. >> jimmy: that looks like something you really love. do you love that more than acting, painting? >> i like both equally, yes. i love being an actor, i've been an act area long time now. i've had the good fortune to be skill at the table, to be doing this in this profession. but the painting is something that's come into the -- >> jimmy: i have an acting photo, something ryan reynolds posted. it results in a flurry of internet rumors. you, ryan who's covering his face, and hugh jackman doing the hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil thing. people thought, after this was posted, people said, oh. pierce is going to play cable in the next "deadpool" movie. are you going to play cable? >> not true. nothing's come my way yet. >> jimmy: so that is completely made up? >> it's completely made up. we were sitting wait for a plane, the three of us. the guy said, quick, let's get a photograph. jump in the middle, mr. reynolds said let's do three wise monkeys. put it out there and it went viral. >> jimmy: they assume, because there were two superheroes, you would also abobecome a superper. are you lying to us? >> i don't lie. they know where to find me. it's fabrication. >> jimmy: if you were signed to play cable in "deadpool 2" and they told you don't say anything about it, would you tell me right now? >> i would tell you everything. >> jimmy: you would tell me everything? >> yeah i'm that kind of guy, really, sure. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay, i believe you, then. well, the show is based on -- this book was nominated for a pulitzer prize before it burned in your house. [ laughter ] >> i bought another copy. anyway. yeah. philip myer. he was the one who wrote the book. and it's a brilliant book so if you like the book, you read the book, think you'll really enjoy the series why it's called "the son." premieres saturday night at 9:00 on amc. pierce brosnan, everybody. thank you, pierce. thank you, pierce. be right back. f. lby day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. ♪ [beeping] ♪ wow. good to know we have that on our prius! ♪ [beeping] ♪ and lane departure alert. see what i mean? with so many safety features like pedestrian detection and lane departure alert, toyota doesn't need us test dummies as much. oh, i get it, man! hey, i gotta get my thrills somehow. the 2017 prius with toyota safety sense standard. toyota. let's go places. 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(alarm ringing) wake up to great tasting flavor. (alarm stops) belvita breakfast biscuits. flavors like delicious blueberry or decadent chocolate, gently baked in a tasty biscuit. (alarm ringing) belvita breakfast biscuits. it's time to taste the day. >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. still to come, music from dustin lynch. our next guest is an actress, comedian, writer and the voice of the world's best-known mollusk. starting friday, you can see her in the new movie "gifted." please say hello to jenny slate. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you just had a birthday, happy birthday. >> i did, thank you so much. >> jimmy: did you celebrate? did you have a thing? >> i did. i took my parents on vacation. >> jimmy: that was your celebration? >> yeah. [ laughter ] i know. we got there and i was like, oh, this was the choice? but actually, that's really rude, because it was really -- that's really rude. my mom's like -- >> jimmy: does your mother get upset? >> she got upset watching, yeah, she did. >> jimmy: where did you guys go? we went to mexico. >> jimmy: oh, okay, wow. >> no one had bathroom issues. that's like the question. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> it was fine. >> jimmy: good, that's good. >> yeah, i feel like that's not the thing you're supposed to say right away. >> jimmy: no, yeah. usually we ease into that sort of thing but go ahead. >> the resort was beautiful. would have been a fine thing to say. >> jimmy: life was good. >> yeah, i just want to tell our nation that i didn't have diarrhea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, that's great, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] guiller guillermo's pretty happy about that too. >> guillermo: yeah, good. >> thanks, man, yeah. >> jimmy: so just you and your mom and dad? >> yeah, and you know, first i was like -- well, i brought a gal pal with me too. >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> but it was like -- you're still taking your parents. >> jimmy: well, it's nice. >> it is. and it was like, okay, we got there, and i was like, is it weird that i'm 30 hm years old and taking my parents on vacation for my birthday? then i was like, there are tons of other people here on vacation with their parents. and i said that to my friend. and she was like, those people are teenagers. [ laughter ] and i saw the teenagers and i was like, i'm like you, i'm just like you. >> jimmy: did they respond and agree? or no? >> they're teenagers, they eternally do not want to talk to me, including when i was a teenager and they were like, no. >> jimmy: so you have some history people unattractive to teenagers? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what is a vacation like with the slate family? is it fun? are they adventurous? >> we are not adventurous. we're sort of sit down and read your book like jewish people. >> jimmy: gotcha, okay. [ laughter ] >> but we don't burn which is great. >> jimmy: you don't burn. >> yeah. super anxious, but we don't burn, and no one got diarrhea, did i say that? i'll say it again. >> jimmy: you did mention. >> well this one was really good. we've had some really bad ones. >> you have. >> this one was lovely. >> jimmy: tell me about the worst one. what is the worst one that you went on? how old were you? >> i was 22 years old. >> jimmy: oh, okay, again. another adult vacation. >> yeah. >> jimmy: with mom and dad. >> this is not -- >> jimmy: this is getting sadder and sadder as it goes on. >> i know. so like what am i doing? >> jimmy: we've got to get you some friends. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: where did you go on this terrible vacation? >> we went to key west. in florida. >> jimmy: okay. >> my dad wanted to meet like all the stray cats that hemingway had or something like that. >> jimmy: oh, right. >> lots of strays. it was just like, why are we here? a vacation that's a dad vacation is like, this isn't for anyone but ron. you know? >> jimmy: yeah. ron. >> this is why it was bad. okay. first of all, i stepped in a dead rat. like in a dead rat. >> jimmy: in? >> it was dead a lot. a lot around. such a bummer. i was wearing flip-flops. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> yeah. twaus the rat, a lot of the inside of himself was on the outside of himself, whoo cl! >> jimmy: like a banana peel. >> but a rat. in the baking key west sun. then they made us go to a jewish cemetery. [ laughter ] there was a gravestone, it literally didn't have a voice but what it said was, i told you i was sick! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. [ applause ] >> thank you so much. so that was like, whoo, this is rough. and then i was like, i'm 22. i like film now. let's go see a movie. and the movie that was playing was "the motorcycle diaries." and you're like, that's not the joke. so we were crossing the street to go to the movie theater. and a biker, like a renegade bad man, came down the street and he bicycled his bike into my father's -- into his penis. hit my dad like right in the crotch. my dad was like, oooh! our whole family, my sisters and my mom, we're all just crying so hard. because like my dad is just -- he's just -- this huge accident. and -- but in that moment i became a hero. and i was like, how dare you! to the dude. i would never start a fight but i was like, bikes have the same rules as cars, you're going the wrong way, your just hit my dad in the penis! and my mom was like, jenny, stop. stop. he's already such a bad man that he's biking the wrong way what will he do next? [ laughter ] so i was like, yes, i do, but i was afraid now, oh my god i'm in the fight, oh my god i'm in the fight. and i was like, they do have the same rules as cars, sir! then i thought since i said "sir" this will all just -- we'll sit on down. >> jimmy: sure, respectfully. >> instead he was like, oh they do? and then he called me the "c" word. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> yeah. he was like -- well, he said that, yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm afraid i can't say it. the "c" word. >> jimmy: at this point is your dad still writhing on the ground? >> oh, yeah, my dad is still fully like -- and he kept saying to it me and my family went into the movies and watched the movie like this. then, oh, this is a really bad vacation, i guess it probably couldn't get worse. then we got back to our hotel. my mom tried to break the tension of the day by looking at me, like assuming a sort of stance, then in a stage whisper which is like -- you know a loud whisper meant for the stage. she goes, "good night, you little --" then also said the bad word. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's funny. so a positive twist on the whole thing. >> yeah, a positive twist when your mom calls you the "c" word in the lobby of a hotel. >> jimmy: now you're in the movies yourself. you went from going to the movies to being in the movies. >> yes. >> jimmy: amazing transformation. >> it's the american dream. >> jimmy: it really is. this movie you play a schoolteacher. >> i do. >> jimmy: and are these all actor kids that you're teaching? >> they were old people dressed as children. >> jimmy: wow. very convincing by the way. >> they were, they were little children. and they were sweeties. and i also didn't really want them to know that i wasn't a teacher so i just kept pretending to be a teacher. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, in between takes. >> that's smart. so then they don't have -- in between takes. how do you pretend to be a teacher in between takes? >> that was the thing. i was like, i'm not going to break character. oh my god, what do i know that i could even teach them? who can name all the beatles? [ laughter ] like quizes that your dad does in the car. >> jimmy: yeah, right, yeah. >> like what's the nickname of john f. kennedy? you're like, jack! it is, it was. he's dead. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> he died. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hit by a bicycle. >> i am so soar i. he got hit in the penis with a bicycle on vacation. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. >> so bad. i'm so sorry. american history. >> jimmy: good to see you. go see the movie, jenny plays the teacher in it, she doesn't know anything. "gifted" opens friday and everywhere april 21st. be right back with dustin lynch! jenny slate. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank pierce brosnan, jenny slate and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, here with the song "small town boy" dustin lynch! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i'm a dirt road in the headlights i'm a mama's boy i'm a fist fight ♪ ♪ kinda county line kinda cold beer little hat down little john deere ♪ ♪ i kinda give a damn i kinda don't care you see that girl standing right there ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me she's my ride or die baby ♪ ♪ she's my cool she's my crazy she's my laid back in the front seat ♪ ♪ she's my with me to the end girl i'm turning it up to ten girl ♪ ♪ she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me ♪ ♪ she likes my t-shirt she likes my old boots likes to slow dance to some old school ♪ ♪ she'll take a full moon over those city nights i ain't scared to get all up in those bright lights ♪ ♪ yeah, i can smooth it out i can stick it up i guess that's why she can't get enough ♪ ♪ of a small town boy like me she's my ride or die baby ♪ ♪ she's my cool she's my crazy she's my laid back in the front seat ♪ ♪ she's my with me to the end girl i'm turning it up to ten girl ♪ ♪ she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me she loves a small town boy like me yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah i'm her sure thing i'm her go to i'm her rock star she ain't gon' ever lose ♪ ♪ small town boy like me i'm her ride or die baby i'm her cool i'm her crazy ♪ ♪ i'm her laid back in the front seat i'm so with you till the end girl ♪ ♪ let's turn it up to ten girl ♪ ♪ she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me she's my ride or die baby ♪ ♪ she's my cool she's my crazy she's my laid back in the front seat ♪ ♪ she's my with me to the end girl i'll turn it up to ten girl ♪ ♪ she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me she loves a small town boy like me ♪ ♪ small town boy like me ♪ ♪ she loves a small town boy like me ♪ this is "nightline." >> hell on earth. an horrific chemical attack in syria. one of the worst in the six-year civil war, killing children. world leaders blaming the assad regime. tonight a rare look inside this war-ravaged country. >> not only are they fleeing a war zone, they're doing it with young children. >> on the ground with families trapped in isis-controlled territory. living in fear. desperate to escape. plus speechless. the family of a boy with cerebral palsy fights for their slice of happiness in this ground-breaking comedy. >> that's the finger. >> people come up with tears in their eyes, so many special needs families saying, you are me. >> the talented cast and how the show stays both heartfelt and irreverent.