Just as the prophecy foretold. Depending upon where you stand politically, today was either a great day for the usa or the eighth chapter of the book of revelation. You get to decide. Its all happening whether you like it or not. We have a new president of the United States, number 45, Donald John Jacob jinglehymer schmidt. After more than a year of fighting with family and friends on facebook, today marks the beginning of at least four more years of fighting with family and friends on facebook. This morning in washington, d. C. It was the inaugurated show. Donald trump today moved into the smallest house hes ever lived in, the white house. Everyone was there to celebrate. President carter, president bush, president obama, even jackie ivanco from americas got talent found time in her busy schedule. Bill and Hillary Clinton were there too. Boy did they look like they were having fun. The president ushers them into the limo for that last ride, as we also see what a picture this is. There is former president bill clinton. Former secretary of state Hillary Clinton. Coming in. The clintons putting up a good front. But boy, you can see it on her face, that disappointment. Thats what sadness looks like, right . She looks pained. Jimmy no no. She looks like she swallowed a palmful of zoloft. Every time they showed Hillary Clinton, the news anchors go, what must be going through her mind right now . Ill tell you what was going through her mind, she was focused on keeping bill as far away from melania as possible. Nothing but trouble once they step in that white house. So the trumps started the morning with the obamas, which must have been the whole thing was it was kind of like a wedding where the brides family and the grooms family dont like each other but they try to make the best of it for the kids. Trump didnt look happy this morning either. The ceremonies were delayed a few minutes because he tried to escape out the bathroom window. Literally tried to jump out the lincoln bathroom. Theres a lincoln bedroom, its also a lincoln bathroom. Thats where he went. This is how he looked moments before the swearingin. As he headed down the capitol steps. This is his moment right now. Yeah, i cant imagine what hes thinking. But it is a solitary job. While he is walking in a group, hes all alone. Jimmy i think he just said help, right . That is the face of a man who would rather be drinking a trumptini by the pool at maralago. But it was too late. John roberts, chief justice of the supreme court, did the honors of swearing our celebrity president in. They swore him in on two bibles. They wanted a backup just in case the first one burst into flames. Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, donald john trump, do solemnly swear i, donald john trump, do solemnly swear jimmy his hands, they really are small, i thought that was a joke. Heres more from the swearingin. Preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States. The constitution of the United States. So help me god. So help me god. Congratulations, mr. President. [ Star Wars Darth Vader music playing ] jimmy whats wrong . Hes going to build a big, beautiful death star. So then trump gave a speech, a short speech. He spoke to the crowd for 60 minutes. His tie was actually longer than his speech. But it was an interesting speech. I thought he showed a lot of restraint. He didnt plug any of his hotels or golf courses so thats progress. But to me the best part of the speech was watching the reactions from president obama and president bush. We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i dont know what bush was thinking but obamas counting down the hours till margaritas in palm springs. If i were president obama i would have spent the morning booby trapping the white house like Macaulay Culkin in home alone. After the ceremony the incoming president and first lady say goodbye to the outgoing president and first lady. And this is where donald trump showed some real intestinal fortitude. I thought he showed a lot of grace. Heres obama waving goodbye. He gets into the helicopter. Heres President Trump. For donald trump to stand so close to a helicopter taking off, with that hair. [ laughter ] that shows i think a lot of courage and a lot of confidence in your aqua net. The helicopter exit is an interesting tradition. Its weird that the president goes out the same way the last contestant on the bachelor goes out, you know . I also want to mention, with all the craziness around donald trump the last year, its easy to forget how funny president bush was. President bush, without even speaking today, gave us a reminder. It was raining so someone handed him a poncho. Which he first tried to spread over himself. And then tried to cover his head. Okay, now this is why [ laughter ] this is why they put those warnings on plastic bags to keep away from small children. So thats no good. So he takes it off and just he just sort of drapes it over his head. Go back to one of those. Look at dick cheney behind him. Hes got that dirty little smirk on his face. So pleased with himself for wearing a cowboy hat. Some things never change. There is a new sheriff of dopey town, though. I want to his name is ben carson and he will not be outgunned. Donald trump, former opponent and current nominee for secretary of housing and urban development, found yet another way to entertain us when he somehow got separated from the pack and wound up wandering the streets alone today. Just a few minutes ago, buses dropped a lot of the vip officials off in this viewing area, as we wait for the president to get here. Then ben carson came kind of walking up out of nowhere along the parade route by himself. Everyone was cheering for him. Im not sure if he missed the bus or what happened. Jimmy i think he missed the bus a long time ago and nobody picked him up. Wow. All right, it is not only is it the end of the week, its the end of an era, which means its time to bleep and blur things whether they need it or not which we do every week. Tonight we have Something Special. At the end of a long slog in american politics, at the end of an administration, its time for an allelection themed edition of this week in unnecessary censorship. The truth of the matter is donald became president , nobody knows what the [ bleep ] he would do. He doesnt know what the [ bleep ] he would do. Did mr. Trump go too far in [ bleep ]ing your wife . He did. I never tasted [ bleep ] until then. I wasnt that good. What explains donald trump . Hes a master [ bleep ]. My husband will remain focused on only one thing. This beautiful [ bleep ] that we love so much. Last week they [ bleep ]ed me from behind. I was extremely careful with my hair. Im [ bleep ]ing hard. I tend to keep [ bleep ]ing as hard as i can. Until the last [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ] expresses an opinion. One of the qualities ive always admired about ted since the day we met is how incredibly un[ bleep ] he is. It almost felt like watching mom and dad [ bleep ]ing. It got very uncomfortable. Did anybody [ bleep ], [ bleep ] last night . I wanted to [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. I believe we should move to a ban on [ bleep ]ing. We can [ bleep ] so much you may even get tired of [ bleep ]ing. Youll say please, please, its too much [ bleep ]ing. We cant take it anymore. Mr. President , its too much. And ill say, no it isnt, we have to keep [ bleep ]ing, we have to [ bleep ] more, [ bleep ] more. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were going to take a break. When we come back we have more from the inauguration, plus i have a very important announcement concerning the future of this show, so stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] oh, look weve got fees ew, really . Oh, its our verizon bill look at them. Line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them. Decent people shouldnt have to live like this did i get it . Tmobile ends surprise fees and taxes thats right, with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. All unlimited, all in. Do you always put cheezit of course theyre chips. Chips. Plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Ooooh. Dont forget to add the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. Cheezit grooves. Dang right its a chip. [crunch ] if youre gonna make an entrance. [car driving upon the water] pain from chest congestion whecan make this. D, feel like this. Allinone cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the 1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. Tylenol® versus a lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. New girl, huh . Yeah, im i couldnt help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. Yeah, this bad boy gives you Coverage Options based on your budget. Oh oh, not so fast, tadpole. You have to learn to swim first. Claire, heres your name your price tool. Oh, thanks, flo. Mmhmm. Jamie, dont forget to clean the fridge when youre done. She seems nice. She seems nice. [ door closes ] shes actually pretty nice. Oh. Yeah. Jimmy hi, there. Welcome back to the show. Anthony anderson, ruby rose, music from travis scott on the way. First we have a few things to cover when it comes to the inauguration. Hundreds of thousands of americans descended on the mall in washington today. And i think about half of those people were local news reporters. These local news channels, they dont get much in the way of access so they just have to stand out there and talk to whoever walks by. Like this guy from fox 5 in washington, d. C. Who grabbed hold of a man from the National Park service. A gentleman who has an interesting name. How are you . I dont mean to be rude. I was walking past you to talk to this gentleman, sorry. Mike litterist. How are things going this morning so far . Jimmy wait a minute. Mike litterist . [ laughter ] seriously . Its either a great prank or a terrible name, maybe both, i dont know. This is good. This is a trump supporter who i think wins the award for most creative hat of the day. You guys came from little town, pennsylvania, right . Just outside of gettysburg. What brought you here . Drain the swamp, watch President Trump get elected, and with my crew. Right here i came to watch old donald j. , hes going to be the best president since ronald reagan. You like his hat, its back to back world war champs. Jimmy should we be rooting for a threepeat . Whats going on . Also this morning this is from our local coverage here on channel 5 ktla. You know, on monday, this coming monday, a special friend of our show, a gentleman named jake bird will be here to file a full report from his trip. He took a trip to the inauguration in d. C. Just to give you a preview of what to expect, jake popped up this morning on live local tv. Folks here either watched on the big screen tvs they have or watched on their phones. It wasnt easy to hear a lot. Not a bad seat in the house. In 2015 they told us this would never happen, that donald trump wasnt fit to be president , they didnt have the temperament to be the leader of the free world, we were a bunch of uneducated idiots. Okay, so what happened . Do you feel vindicated . We have a daddy for president we almost had a mommy. We have a daddy, daddys home daddys home jimmy that is jake bird, he will be here on monday with more of that. What a day, what a year it has been. Its all been so crazy. And now that we have a new administration in place, i want to take a moment to address my fellow americans and whatever canadians happen to wander in as well. I know that some of you are wondering, what is the plan Going Forward now that donald trump, yes, thank you, give me some music. Now that donald trump is president , are you going to keep this up . Will you continue to make fun of the most powerful man in the world . And the answer is yeah, of course. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yes. Let me tell you something. Ive not had it easy. The last eight years ive been forced to make jokes about the first ladys vegetable garden. So i am going to you think im not going to grab this pumpkin by the gut asks shake it until the seeds pop out . Youre damn right i am. And you know, my life would be a lot easier if i didnt have to check Donald Trumps twitter every 14 minutes, but i do it for you. Because its my job. And ill add this. No matter which side of the aisle youre on, even if you love donald trump, even if youre a member of the trump family, deep down, somewhere in your soul, you know that theres something very unusual about the fact that you voted for a man who used to sell steaks at the sharper image, okay . Theres something strange about the fact that we have a president who body slammed Vince Mcmahon at wrestle mania 23. Theres something unorthodox about the fact that we elected a man who, in an effort to reach out to mexicanamericans, tweeted a picture of himself eating a taco bowl on cinco de mayo. Thats not usual. Thats unusual. There are two things i hold sacred when it comes to this program. Number one, making kids cry on halloween. Thats number one. [ cheers and applause ] and number two, but a close number two, is poking fun at our leaders. When president bush couldnt open that door. When this magic moment popped out of nowhere. And delighted us all. I was there. When president obama slipped his skinny hips into a pair of mom jeans and threw out the first pitch at the allstar game, i was there calling him aunt nancy. What im saying is, while president s may come and go, this monologue happens every night. And tonight i rededicate myself to taking our leaders to task. This is my pledge to you over the next four years. I, james Lando Calrissien kimmel do solemnly swear to faithfully satirize, criticize, lampoon and harpoon the president of the United States. I believe in truth, justice, and american way. And superman is dead now, so there arent many of us left. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade . Guess what, life just gave us an orange as president. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so lets get together to make some of that orange drink they used to serve at birthday parties and mcdonalds. That is my pledge to you. So help me god. Look at that. That is our guy right there. [ cheers and applause ] tonight on the show we have music from travis scott. Ruby rose is here. Be right back with Anthony Anderson remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Making us north americasr are choosing nissan. Fastest growing auto brand in 2016. Take on 2017 and get the safety youd expect. The fuel efficiency you need and americas best truck warranty. Get to nissans take on 2017 event for 0 financing for up to 72 months on 11 models. Or save up to 10,000 on select models. Mom washed our clothes. Credibility as handymen. One wash with tide pods and were right back where we started. We look like catalogue models who trusts a clean handyman anyway . We cant look this good dinge is the dirt the bargain detergent cant get to. Tide pods can. Customer service d. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Youd see all the sickness ifyoure spreading. Ur cough, robitussin cf max severe soothes and delivers powerful relief of cough, sore throat, stuffy nose and fever. Robitussin cf max severe. Because its never just a cough. Jimmy hi, there. Thanks for coming back. From the new movie xxx return of xander cage, ruby rose is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then this is a scarylooking album, his latest album called birds in the trap sing the night. Music from travis scott. Next week, we have a fine lineup of guests including matthew mcconaughey, martin short, dennis quaid, samuel l. Jackson, bill burr, jason momoa. With music from Andrew Mcmahon in the wilderness, the americanos, kehlani and lady antebellum. Please join us for all of that next week. Our first guest is a lovely and talented man who is currently working two shifts on this network. He is the star of blackish and host of to tell the truth which airs sundays at 8 00 here on abc. Please welcome Anthony Anderson. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats very sweet. You brought these from home . I brought them from home, lets get started right now. Lets get started right now. Jimmy how you doing . Did you watch that inauguration this morning . No, i did not. Jimmy you did not . Why. Because i havent made the pledge of allegiance to the United States of america to poke fun of our president for the next four years. Jimmy you havent . Would you like to take it now . Lets do it. Jimmy put your hand on your heart. What the hell are you wearing . [ laughter ] these are my inauguration pants i didnt watch the inauguration but i dressed for it jimmy are those jams . No, theyre not. Jimmy theyre not. Theyre alexander mcqueen. Jimmy really . Yes. Jimmy wow. And crushed velvet shoes. Jimmy how much were those pants . I have no idea. Jimmy yeah, thats what happens, youre so successful you dont know how much pants cost. I never knew how much pants cost. Salvation army sometimes, yeah. Jimmy by the way, you know President Trump, right, you golfed with him . Yes, i have. Dont look at me differently. [ laughter ] jimmy the pants alone are making me look at you differently. How many times have you played with him . No, just once. But ive been in his presence a lot over the years. Jimmy to the point where like is he someone would you consider him a friend, an acquaintance, someone you know . I can call him on the phone right now. Jimmy you could . Yeah. Im not going to say hes a friend. Jimmy you have his telephone number . Hes just a dude i know who happens to be president now. [ laughter ] jimmy do you have the phone number in those pants . No. I didnt want to bring my phone. Jimmy guillermo, get his phone and well call. [ cheers and applause ] can we do that . We can do that. Jimmy all right. And leave a message. How