Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170125 : comparemela

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170125

I like to start our evening together with a story. A story about a story. My wife and i have a daughter named jane, shes 2 1 2 years old. She loves books. Ive been trying to get her to watch tv but she likes to read. So we have a lot of books in her room. And every night jane picks one and we read to it her. Usually its the same one over and over. Either oh the places youll go, if you give a pig a pancake, astronauts and what they do, which as terrible one, or please puppy please. Last night jane picked a new one, millie, molly and jimmys seeds. This is a gift from one of my coworkers who books the guests on our show. She sent this presumably because my wifes name is molly and my names jimmy. We dont know millie, but fine, we like new people. Jane pulls this the off the shelf. My wife opens it. First of all, put this up. Joanna wrote a nice little note. Jimmy, this book is for you to read to jane, jo. Im glad she made that clear, i thought we were supposed to eat off of it. So its nice that she sent it. And my wife starts reading. Heres how it goes. We may look different, but we feel the same. Nice. Next page. One day, jimmys desk was empty. Jimmy wasnt the sort to stay in bed with a cold, jimmy loves school. It talks about jimmy loved the garden, working with the gardener at school. Then gets back to jimmys desk was empty the next day. This is where jane starts asking, where did jimmy go . And my wife says, hes coming back, well see him soon, dont worry. And then one morning miss blithe seemed different. She sat on the small chair and asked everyone to gather around her. She explained jimmy wouldnt be coming back to school. And now at this point molly stops reading, my wife. Shes like, okay, thats enough, lets read a different book. The next line of the book is, she said very softly that jimmy had been taken to the hospital and had died peacefully in the night. Miss blithe stretched arms around everyone and they all cried together. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah, i know. Molly didnt read that part. She stopped reading. But jane senses somethings wrong, she starts, what happened to jimmy . Can i see him . Is he happy . Is he happy . The answer, i dont know. No, hes not happy, hes dead. Jimmy is dead. The end. So i want to say thank you for that, joanna. They say 2 1 2 is about the age you should start telling kids stories about their dad dying. [ laughter ] we appreciate it. Yes. There you go. Anyway. We have quite a lineup for you. The one and only Matthew Mcconaughey is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] of course an oscar winner and this morning the new batch of Oscar Nominations came out. A lot of them la la land, 14 nominations, that tise the alltime record, only two others have been nominated 14 times. Titanic. You know what the other . Sex ask the city 2. Moonlight and arrival received two. Moonlight is the story of a young man living in a broken home coming to terms with his sexuality and his mothers drug abuse. Arrival is about calamari from space. Theyre different types of films. You didnt see it . Okay. Mel gibson was nominated for hacksaw ridge, best director, applausing. A few years ago mel gibson was not welcome at any restaurant in hollywood, now nominated for best director. We have short memories because of all the botox we inject into our heads. In the best actress category, the very overrated meryl streep continued her streak. Hey, listen. Hes our president. He knows. Okay . She was nominated for a record 20th time. And a little movie called lion got a surprise nomination for best picture. Li lion is about Donald Trumps press briefings. You know . They always say there were surprises in the the nominations but how surprised can we be that Viggo Mortensen got nominated . He was great. Mr. T got nominated, that would be a surprise. Oh, it wouldnt to you . I will be hosting the oscars sunday, february 26th, heres on abc. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. Please, dont patronize me. Congratulations to all the nominees, except matt damon, who is a loser with boobs and a man bun. The number one movie in america is a big surprise, split directed by m. Night shyamalan. Its about a kidnapper who has multiple personalities. The movie did so well the studio is moving ahead with the sequel. What are we doing here . What the hell is going on . 23 identities live in donald. Hillary clinton is a great woman and a good woman. Such a nasty woman. To whom am i speaking with now . Donald trump. Vladimir putin. Rosie odonnell. Who are you . I feel like im 30. 35. 39. The only chance we have is if all three of us go crazy on this buy. I have no idea who these women are. I have no idea. Hes not allowed to touch you. Nobody respects women more than donald trump. You have them by the [ bleep ]. Hes done horrible things to people, hell do awful things to you. I am prolife. I am prochoice. This is the most complex object in the universe. What will happen when he unlocks the potential of his brain . Oh, i dont know what i said, i dont remember [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i think they have another hit on their hands. Our President Trump has really got his work cut out for him. He got his first Approval Rating numbers and they arent good. His Approval Rating stands at 45 , which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press Secretary Sean Spicer put it today, the highest in history for a new president. The number one thing on Donald Trumps mind right now is the election in november. He says that 3 million to 5 million illegal voters cost him the popular vote. There doesnt seem to be any evidence to support this belief but that doesnt matter, obviously. He met with leaders in Congress Last night and this is the topic he wanted to discuss. Why he keeps bringing this up, i dont know. It seems like a weird fight. The election that i won was rigged [ laughter ] he must just be tortured by it. Im 100 convinced if given the choice, donald trump would rather have won the popular vote and lost the actual election than the other way around. So the New York Times used the word lie to describe the president s take on this. But i dont know. I dont think thats fair. A lie is when you Say Something you know isnt true. I think donald trump believes it. Its not so much a lie as it is a symptom. [ laughter ] and the person im starting to feel bad for is trumps press secretary, sean spicer. Whatever trump says, sean spicer has to go out there and defend. Yesterday he said the administration reserves the right to disagree with the facts. [ laughter ] that sounds good, i like that. Im going to start doing that. Like when my doctor tells me my cholesterol is 238 im going to say, no, it isnt. 182, now get me mozzarella sticks. Here was sean spicer today getting thoroughly grilled about trump and this illegal voting thing. Does the president believe that millions voted illegally in this election . The president does believe that. So why not definitively say that he will investigate . First of all, the comment that he made was he said 3 million to 5 Million People, you know, cost him could have voted illegally. Based on the studies that hes seen. Why not investigate something that is maybe we will. The biggest scandal in american electoral history, 3 million to 5 Million People voting illegally . I think we i well see where we go from here. You discussed with the president which investigators are you referring to . Possibly investigating this voter fraud . No, i didnt. I did not. You said its possible anythings possible. What does that mean for democracy . Ive answered your question. Jimmy it means that my boss is a crazy person and im terrified. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we should have a doover if that many people meanwhile, we have an experiment. We have a very exciting thing. Weve spent a lot of money developing a new technology that i think youre going to enjoy. Lets go outside right now. Hollywood boulevard. Hi, how are you if what is your name . Im heidi. Jimmy where are you from . From maryland. Jimmy okay. So youre here on vacation, i assume . No, i picked up and moved to california five months ago. Jimmy why did you move to california . My lease was up. Why not . Jimmy oh, okay. What are you looking to do . Are you looking to be an actress . A star, Something Like that . I want to be a talk show host. Jimmy oh, then this is perfect, actually. Yeah. Jimmy so you see the booth next to you, the face hole. What our plan is to send this around the country. We thought wed test it out here. What id like you to do is stick your head in that hole. By the way, when someone asks you to stick your head in a hole . Next time dont. So look at that. Say hello to everyone here in our studio audience. Hi, everyone. Jimmy say hi. [ cheers and applause ] you want to be a talk show host. Lets put her head on my body. Yeah, okay, there we go. All right. Okay. Well. Thats almost okay. There you go. There we go. Jimmy all right, youre hosting a talk show now. Hey, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy do you know any jokes . I dont have that many, but i mean . Do you have a funny story from your life, maybe . I can help you, i can do the arm motions. Yeah, so when i first moved to california, a lot of people asked me, have you met any famous people, seen any celebrities . Im just like, ive seen a dog that kind of looks like the one from air bud. Thats as good as it gets. Thats pretty good, right . [ applause ] have you ever thrown to a commercial before . Just repeat after me. We have to take a break. When we come back, Matthew Mcconaughey [ cheers and applause ] you say Matthew Mcconaughey, milli jovovich, and the americanos, okay . Okay. Matthew mcconaughey, i dont know the rest. [ laughter ] jimmy thats good enough. Very well done, thank you. Thank you. Jimmy well be right back well put more faces in holes. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] i checked, everythings there. Wait a minute. Hey. Hold on, i can explain. You better have a good answer. Switch to geico and you could save a ton of money on your Car Insurance. Why didnt you say so in the first place . I thought yous was wearing a wire. Haha, what . Why would i wear a wire . Geico. Because saving fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance is always a great answer. Inside the rack houses every barrel is aged four long years, for a fuller, smoother flavor. Our history is made from the inside. How will you make yours . 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Chapstick. Put your lips first. Even when you know where youre going. It Still Matters how you get there. The lexus line of luxury suvs. Giving you the power to make your own way. Most fast food places use formulas to create their combos. But all that math, doesnt always equal something tasty. At my place, you can get a mouthwatering sourdough bacon ranch combo for 4. 99. With a full size beef patty, bacon, and creamy ranch sauce, on toasted sourdough bread. Plus hot salty fries and refreshing freestyle drink. Because flavor always beats formulas. The sourdough bacon ranch combo, just 4. 99 for a limited time. Combos done my way. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Matthew mcconaughey, milli djokovic, the americanos on the way. Were experimenting with amazing technology, the face hole. We spent over 1 billion developing this. It is a device that transports the heads of people passing by onto national television. And who dares enter our face hole now . Do we have someone out there . Yeah, stick your head right in that hole. Whats your name . Hello, names kenny. Jimmy whats your name . Kenny. Jimmy where are you from . El dorado hills, california. Jimmy whats going on today . Just moved out. Just brought my daughter madison to move to long beach to go to school. Jimmy very good. Would you like to be a part of our studio audience . Yes. Jimmy okay, lets take okay. Look at that say hi to the person next to you, kenny. Hi, how are you doing . Jimmy give a little kiss. [ laughter ] come on, guys, a little kiss. Aw, thats very creepy. All right. So lets leave the face hole out there. If anyone else sticks their head it in, well bring them up, or the . If youre a football fan, im sure you know the new England Patriots beat the stealers on sunday. Theyre going to the super bowl. Steelers were overmatched in the game. And this might have had something to do with that. At around 3 40 a. M. The morning of the game a guy pulled the fire alarm at the hotel where the steelers were staying. He was arrested. And showed up in court. The east boston man accused of pulling the fire alarm at the steelers hotel this weekend. Dennis harrison appeared in court today. According to Police Friends dared him to set off the fire alarms at the Logan Airport hilton early sunday morning. Officers say harrison confessed and said, im drunk, im stupid, im a pats fan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy somebody needs to put that on a tshirt. He probably could have just said one of those things and we would have guessed the other two. More Disorderly Conduct kurtly of johnny mill over the golf channel. Who provided some very candid commentary during a tournament called the Career Builder challenge. Should be helping a little bit from the right. Oh, [ bleep ]. Oops. Sorry about that. Thats not good. And the shot obviously not good either. Jimmy yeah, i know. [ laughter ] when youre a golf announcer, when youre announcing golf, literally the only thing you have to do is not say the fword on the air. Somebodys sticking their head in the face hole, very good. Hello. Welcome to television. How are you . Whoa, im in someones bad dream. Jimmy whats your name . Iris, how are you . Jimmy iris is your name . Yes. Jimmy where are you from . Israel, whoohoo [ cheers and applause ] jimmy do you often stick your head in random places . [ laughter ] every day. Jimmy youre on vacation right now . Im a flight attendant. Jimmy thats good. You get to go anywhere you want all the time. Do people behave themselves, or do they get fresh with you on the flights . It depends on the destination. Jimmy i see. Are you saying certain nationalities are hornier than others . They are [ laughter ] would it be inappropriate to rank them . Number one horniest nationality, what is it . Italian. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy all right. I guess we could have guessed that, huh . All right. So heres what im going to do. I want to see if i can get my head in your hands. Here we go. All right. I got it. This is why i couldnt be a local weatherman. All right, now what im going to do is throw you over to guillermo. Okay . Are you ready . One, two three. Guillermo, catch me [ laughter ] hi, guillermo. Jimmy thats hollywood magic. Put her head on your body so it looks like look, we have a new security guard. [ laughter ] your head is growing. Can we put a moustache on her . Almost yeah, there you go, all right, great look. Thank you, iris. [ applause ] thats fun, right . All right. Were adults by the way. Hey, we have a good show. Music from the americanos, milli yoyo vich is here, and well be right back with Matthew Mcconaughey stick around dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by divided on gsn, the game show network. United they win. Divided they could lose it all. My advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. Directv now the f[ now echos ]s now. now does not mean now. future is a relative term. Nfl sunday ticket, red zone and the nfl network are not included. Cbs and showtime, again, not included. Most live local stations only available in select markets fingers crossed. Streaming to more than two devices at once is a subject wed rather not talk about. Dvr and downloading on the go, yeah, good luck with that. All other terms and frustrations apply. So why wait . Call now. Dont let directv now limit your entertainment. Choose xfinity and get more to stream to any screen. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, from the new movie resident evil the final chapter, Milla Jovovich is here. Then this is their song from the new xxx movie, its called in my foreign, music from the americanos with help from french montana, ty dolla ign, and nicky jam. Tomorrow night, martin short will be here, Edgar Ramirez will join us, and well have music from lady antebellum. And thursday, samuel l. Jackson, jason momoa, and music from kehlani. So please join us then. If you happen to happen upon our first guest sitting alone in a car talking to himself, dont worry, hes working. He is an oscarwinning actor and bigtime movie star. Starting friday you can see him get fat, bald and

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