Welcome, fellow americans. This is a big week for our country. Were about 36 hours away from history when donald trump will become president of the United States, unless someone from the future shows up to stop it from happening before it does. [ laughter ] president obama had his final press conference today. Maybe the final press conference today. [ laughter ] and then on friday well turn our attention to the bigley anticipated inauguration. Donald jennifer trump. Thats right. [ laughter ] did you know thats the middle name . Jennifer. Its exciting. Were two days away from swearing an Internet Troll in as our 45th president. The trump team has stated repeatedly that they want to avoid a circuslike atmosphere at the inauguration. Theyre saving that for the actual presidency itself. [ laughter ] but they are planning the event. Trump says he wrote his own inauguration speech. I guess people are having a hard time believing that, because today he tweeted a picture of himself writing or pretending to be writing in front of what appears to be vasco de gamas tomb. Writing my inaugural address at the winter white house, maralago. Winter white house is his code for saying, im never going to washington, d. C. I will be in florida all the time. This picture is an excellent hes miserable. Hes not leaning on anything while hes writing. It looks like he sent mike pence out to duane reid to buy him a notep notepad. I imagine the only words on that pad are ladies and gentlemen, please welcome three doors down, and thats it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is going to be im looking forward to it. This is going to be some speech. Trump, he doesnt usually write his own speeches. Typically either he improvises, wings it, or his Senior Policy Adviser writes the speeches for him. But he is a good you know, he writes all his own tweets, so he can write. [ laughter ] meanwhile, deep trump is raking in the cash. Theyve already raised more than 100 million for this inauguration. Which is a record. By comparison, obama only raised 53 million for his. And theyre doing it in an interesting way. The inaugural committee is basically selling meet and greets. If you dont nate between 150,000 and 250,000, you can have dinner with the members of trumps cabinet. 500,000 to 1 million, you get dinner with the vice president. For a donation of 5 million or more, donald trump will let you run the country for a day. [ laughter ] the day of your choice. It could be your birthday [ cheers and applause ] if you dont have 100,000 to spend, theyre also selling merchandise. This is really on the website. Only 25, you can own this handsome pair of official inauguration pint glasses. If youre a can kind of guy trump has you covered. A sixpack of 45s president beer cozies. For 20, you could be the owner of four red plastic inaugural cups. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] 5 a cup. Lets see how much you can buy cups like that for on amazon. Yeah. On amazon you can get 150 of them for 10. 44. See, he really does know how to negotiate. So that is going to be a party. The white house isnt the only institution thats getting ready for donald trump to move in. Madame Tussauds Wax Museum has a donald too. They unveiled him this morning on the today show. Without further ado, here is your first look at the new wax figure of president elect donald trump. Jimmy what a right and pleasant likeness. I bet thats exactly what he looks like when he watches saturday night live. Why did they make him look like something youd post in a field to chase varmints away . For comparison, this is president obamas wax figure. A smiling, handsome. Here he is with the first lady. You know, the american flag. This is the wax figure they made of melania trump. Oh, no, wait. Thats the real melania trump. [ laughter ] they havent done hers. I get confused sometimes. The hearings for Donald Trumps wouldbe cabinet members are on full swing, theyre on cspan. A lot of focus has been on betsy devos, a billionaire from michigan, no experience in education. Her family cofounded amway. Kids went to private school, the whole thing. The most Interesting Exchange is when she suggested some schools need to have guns in them to protect kids from grizzly bears. You cant say definitively today that guns shouldnt be in schools . Well, i will refer back to senator enzi and the school that he was talking about in wyoming. I think probably there, i would imagine that theres probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies. [ laughter ] jimmy i really wish trump would have walked in the hearing, said betty, youre fired, then left. If grizzly bears are a problem in our schools, then this betsy devos we need to get sarah palin in there, were talking about grizzly bears. Betsy devos would have made a great secretary of education in 1783 when grizzly bears were a problem. Kim jongun, the leader of north korea, has not been nominated for a cabinet position. Yet. He appears to be ill. Not kim jongil. Actually ill. He was seen yesterday limping into a shoe factory. You know, the world really has become a tv show. The kim jongun show is the one with the worst writers b becaus limping into a shoe factory, its just too i have a theory about this illness of his. You know, hes put on weight. His ankles are swollen. He seems to be away from work a lot. I think kim jongun might be pregnant. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ill tell you something, i really truly hope Dennis Rodman does the right thing and marries him this time. [ laughter ] yesterday, i dont know if you saw this expedia yesterday released their annual list of the most annoying airline passengers. For the third time year the most annoying passenger is the seat kicker. I would have guessed hijackers. But its the person who kicks. Rounding out the top three were inattentive parents who let their kids scream and people who smell. Which i agree with all those. But the truth is the most annoying person on the flight is anyone who isnt you, right . Its everyone else. You know what i find annoying, when you have the window seat and the person in the middle seat, you dont know, decides to look out the window for a while. Then you have to look out the window too. Or pretend to be asleep or something. Put those people on the list. I would like to take a moment if i could to take you on a journey to the future. When i am done hosting the show, when im old and gray and all of that, my plan is to do endorsements on cable news channels like chuck woolry and tom selleck do. Years from now future me is going to rye to sell future you future products. Lets travel now together for an offer and a man that i think you will find very attractive. 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To immortalize your precious chains call the number on your screen. Im jimmy kimmel. Ill be dead soon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have to take a break. When we come back, selfflying cars are on the way. And the roast master general himself, jeff ross, busts chops on hollywood boulevard. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Of bad breath germs its more than cash back. For a 100 fresh mouth. Feeling 100 means you feel bold enough to. Assist a magician. Or dance. 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And thats with a glass of wine in one hand, and a camera in the other, aboard rocky mountaineer. Canadas Rocky Mountains await. Call your travel agent or rocky mountaineer for special offers now. Jimmy hi everybody, welcome back to the show. Bill maher, wendi mclendoncovey, and music from a. F. I. Is on the way. [ cheers and applause ] first there is something that heres something fun that might be available in the near future. Airbus, the company that makes jet planes, is working on cars that fly on their own. Airbus is planning to test a selfflying car soon, by the end of 2017. They say it will either be the worlds first selfflying car or the worlds first selfcrashing airplane. So this is it. I dont know, they say its a flying car, looks like a weird helicopter to me. I guess the idea is when traffic is bad, which here would be always, you can just turn the propellers on and fly to walmart or target or wherever youre going. Can you imagine . 30,000 cars flying out of Dodger Stadium all at once . [ laughter ] everyone would be dead. There would be no survivors. The other problem is with flying cars, you dont have an excuse to be late anymore. Especially in l. A. You cant say, i got stuck behind a hot air balloon. It just doesnt [ laughter ] if you are here in hollywood, and i know those of you in this room are, from here until from friday night until monday, jeff ross is taping his show roast battle for Comedy Central at the old house of blues. So the shows a lot of fun. Comedians get on stage and insult each other tournamentstyle. To get jeff warmed up for it we sent him with a camera crew right outside our studio. Here he is, the roast master general, jeff ross, at work. Thanks, jimmy, and good luck with those pubes on your chin. The roast battles are coming up so i wanted to get my brain in full roast mode by roasting some of your neighbors out here on the street. Who wants to get roasted . Whats the c stand for . Captain. I thought you were wearing your High School Report Card on your head. Something like that. Great to see you, man. How you doing . Here with one of the greats, johnny depp. Congratulations, i hear your divorce is official. Nearly. Youre finally divorced from bathing apparently. How are you doing . Wow, who are you supposed to be peter sleeps in a parker . Yeah. I boss wondering what happened to courtney love. Yeah. Fantastic. How is Business Today . Business is you know. Its been pretty good. My spidey senses tell me youre going to make 4 today. Oh. You told me to wake you up when you hit rock bottom no sense of humor. No shortage of material out here on hollywood boulevard, guys. Who wants to get roasted . Oh, hi. Hi. How you doing . Good, how are you . Im jeff. Alise. How are you doing . Im good. Wow. Knock knock. Whos that . Your absentee father. Surprise i know who my father is. You do . Youre like a stripper who hates money so you work here. Those shorts are shorter than the amount of time you spent in high school. How are you doing . What are you protesting . Im not protesting, im out here working. Working . Why are you dressed like a parking ticket . How do you like the street job . The owner saw me at another job and told me to come in. He goes, that guy looks like he can hold a sign and wear a dayglo shirt. Oh my god, either rick crapton. Its three day weekend. You having a good time, michael . What do you mean . Having a great time. Tell your facelift. Oh my god. Theres kids. Run run look, its zach galifaenough already. Whats going on . Hows business . [ bleep ] going on right now. Not much going on . Are you upset that your parents brad and angelina are getting divorced . Nice to meet you, maddox. You look very lovely today. Thank you. You have blacker roots than ku kuhnta kinta. Being able to take a joke is important. Its all about smiling and laughing. Especially with an outfit like that. Love you, good luck with the lipstick on your teeth, youre awesome. All right, see you at home. Crack that Coffee Coffee table if youre willing and able crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack that coffee table wow. Thanks, kanye worst. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good sew tonight. We have music from a. F. I. , wendi mclendoncovey is here. And well be right back with bill maher. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] even when you know where youre going. It Still Matters how you get there. The lexus line of luxury suvs. Giving you the power to make your own way. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longerlasting flavor . Mmm zipping zipping rattling longerlasting juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew and chew. Moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Anything with a screen is a tv. Stream 130 live channels. Plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. All the care your family needs. All connected for you. What are you doing up . Mom said i could have a midnight snack. Its not even midnight, its ten fortythree. Well, lets have a ten fortythree snack. Quietly, though. Okay. Yeah. Mmmm. Shhhh. Hey ill share my yoplait custard if you share your yoplait dippers . Deal. Deal. Mmmm. The family favorite. Yoplait. You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight from the goldbergs, which is in its fourth season, wednesday nights here on abc, wendi mcclendoncovey is here. Then, this is their new album, its called a. F. I. The blood album, music from afi. You can see them live, their tour starts friday at the troubadour here in l. A. Tomorrow night Priyanka Chopra will be with us. And well have music from maren morris. And on friday a new show with anthony anderson, ruby rose, and travis scott. If youre a teenager in the United States and youd like to meet with our executive producer doug delucca, send an email to big greasy doug at gmail. Com. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. Some things happened during the commercial break. Hey, friday is a very big day for our first guest tonight. It is the season premiere of his show. Its his birthday. And its Inauguration Day for president donald trump. I would imagine hes excited about all three. Real time with bill maher returns to hbo friday night at 10 00 and you can see him live at Pope Joy Hall in albuquerque february 12th. Please welcome bill maher [ cheers and applause ] nice rendition of the theme song, very nice. We got a new one. Jimmy a new song . Its been like 13 years. Jimmy how involved are you in choosing the new song . Not at all. Jimmy not at all, yeah. But they did a hell of a job. Jimmy nice, yeah. You can borrow them. Theyre not busy on friday nights around that time. If you like a band, mine is for rent. Theres not much going on. What should we talk about . Is there anything . [ laughter ] oh, jimmy. Jimmy anything come to mind . Yeah, yeah. Im getting donald trump for my birthday. [ laughter ] i keep saying, god, why . Then i go, oh, yeah. Jimmy thats right. The last 25 years ive been making fun of you on tv. Religulous, you hated that too. Jimmy everywhere you go people ask about that. Every time people corner you and want to know what you think. I dont appear in public, i go in public. Only you, youre insecure, you have that backlighting. Youre like you go into ralphs, youve got a crew. I know how jimmy i travel with an applause sign. Yeah, a glam squad. You know. Jimmy people want to know what you think yeah, thats why i have a show. Jimmy it is probably why you have a show. Your last show i was reading about you with this subject today. Jimmy what subject . You said that you were like taking people to task, as i think you should, for who like would boycott donald trump, and you said, but if he wanted to come on your show, you would have him on. Jimmy of course. Because you said its important to talk to important people. Jimmy yes. I would add this. If you are going to have him on, hes a politician. Jimmy yeah. I know hes actually a Game Show Host from queens. But now hes the president of the United States. So if youre going to have him on, this is everybody, hold his feet to the fire. Jimmy you mean literally . Oh, if you could. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the way you say that. I assume that yeah, dont let him use you. Jimmy i assume that you