Thanks for coming. Glad youre here. We have a lot to get to. Have we sung the National Anthem yet . Has that happened . [ laughter ] we have so much to get to. Starting with day two of the Democratic National convention in hilladelphia. Hillary clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party in the United States, which even if she doesnt win thats going to look great on her resume. The theme of the convention tonight was a lifetime of fighting for children and families, which is definitely better than a lifetime of fighting children and families, which makes you realize the word for can make a very big difference. Bill clinton spoke tonight. He was the major speaker of the evening. Of course he strongly supported his wife to be our next president. In a surprise move asked Melania Trump to be his first lady. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if hillary wins, it will be interesting to see because bill clinton would be our nations first first man. Which is interesting. Weve had a first man on the moon, a first man to climb mt. Everest, a first man to run a fourminute mile. Nobody ever thought to be just the first man. I guess adam maybe was the first first man. The democrats have had some impressive speakers so far. Last night Michelle Obama delivered her Second Convention speech of the week. [ laughter ] the first lady, she made a very powerful point. She noted that she and her husband wake up every day in a house built by slaves. To which donald trump replied, really, can i get the name of your contractor . Because much of the focus yesterday was on Bernie Sanders who did his best to throw his support to the clinton camp. Sanders said the democrats will work to break up the biggest banks. He said from it the wells fargo center, so maybe wait until next week. It was a big night for Bernie Sanders. You could tell. The First Time Ever it appears he combed his hair. His hair was very neat. Even today some sanders supporters were still hopeful he would somehow come out on top of the delegate count. Which either shows how passionate they are or how bad they are at math. Or maybe both of those things. But when bernie did voice his support for mrs. Clinton, this is how his supporters reacted. Any objective observer will conclude that based on her ideas and her leadership, Hillary Clinton must become the next president of the United States. Jimmy what a face, like the end of the movie the notebook. Bernie looked out, what happened, am i dead . There are a number of current and former comedians speaking at the convention, including senator al franken who was a comedy writer for many years, sarah silverman, lena dunham, and maybe best of all, pennsylvania senator bob casey. Donald trump hasnt made anything in his life, except a buck on the backs of working people. If he is the champion of working people, im the starting center for the 76ers. Jimmy good one, dad. [ laughter ] thats the mighty casey strikes out again. Meanwhile, donald trump was in roanoke, virginia. Hes on a roll. A new cnn poll has him leading hillary by 3 points. Even though he doesnt drink heres what it would look like if he did to celebrate tonights edition of drunk donald trump. [ slow tape playing ] shell go on, shell take a nap for four or five hours, then shell come back. No naps for trump. No naps. I dont take naps. We dont have time we dont have time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy he is flying high right now because the democrats are behind in the polls. Actually, if you watch the convention today, you literally saw how far behind the polls they are. My name is nicholas mateola, speaker of the house of the great Democratic State of rhode island. We proudly cast 21 votes for senator Bernie Sanders. Our state cast our votes delaware is home to our favorite son madam secretary madam secretary im donnie deans new hampshire, where we bring democrats together im proud to announce that oklahoma, where our state motto is the great state of kansas. The father of the new political revolution, 74 votes for Bernie Sanders. Really. Cspan needs to get some human camera people. How the hell does that happen . Tonight on abc we had a very special episode of the bachelorette, the men tell all. Or maybe its pronounced the mental all, im not sure. But these political conventions are making you lose faith in america, the bachelorette men tell all special will do nothing to change that. Not even a bit. Much of the interest was directed at bad chad who is one of the most unpopular contestants ever on the show. The other guys did not like chad. He threatened them, he got physical with them, he was always working out. Tonight one of the fellows, nick, decided hed had enough. Chris, hold on, wait, wait. Oh its the same egotistical [ bleep ] we had to listen to all season. You going to pop a squat . No, listen to me. We have to resort to violence . Here we go. Chads really good at issuing threats, all right . Wait, are you trying to get air time right now . Chad, youre a coward that sits behind empty threats, dude, you got nothing. You want to fight me . Any time, any place, whatever. Hold on, guys. Youre a coward, dude. Dont worry, we got a Security Guard. Jimmy well, we kind of have a someone wake the Security Guard was that a Security Guard or did kubio get a haircut . Chad made no friends during his time in bachelor land. If he had to do it all over again would he do it the same way . Chris harrison asked and chad gave a surprisingly poetic response. Is there anything that you regret . You know, honestly, i mean i dont regret 99 of the things that happened. I think anybodys going to be mad when theyre getting [ bleep ] 24 7, night and day in front of 10 Million People watching. So did you like trying to think off the top of my head the jordan comment. Right that one, i thought that would make them be quiet, didnt work. It seemed to egg them on. Sometimes you use apples which you should have chose pickles, know what i mean . [ laughter ] jimmy kind of, i guess. Like when youre when you have to decide whether you should have the apple pie with ice cream or the pickle pie . I dont know. Its like apples and pickles, you know . You cant compare them. Ladies and gentlemen, that is story that caught my eye. According to a new study, the United States is falling short when it comes to height. American men and women used to be the tallest people in the world. Now we rank 37th and 42nd. The tallest men and the women now are from the netherlands and latvia. Which its like my mother always said, if you need to get something down from a high shelf, call a latvian. This is disturbing. Bring me my podium if you dont mind. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow americans. We need to get this country back on top. Literally. America was founded by tall people. Abraham lincoln. You cant tell by the dollar bill, George Washington was more than 8 feet tall. Are we going to let the netherlands tower over us . I dont know about you, but im not. Are you, guillermo . Guillermo no way. Jimmy you actually are going to let the netherlands tower over you. But i dont believe the dutch are the tallest people. I think theyre adding two or three inches with those wooden shoes. And latvia . Is latvia even a real country . Thats not a rhetorical question, i actually dont know. When i am Vice President , i will solve this in my first 100 days. And this is how i will do it. If you are over 510, you can stay. You can remain here and make babies, long babies, with other tall people. If youre shorter than that, you may be relocated to mexico and canada. And i will build a wall to keep all the short people from sneaking back in. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and it wont be as expensive as Donald Trumps wall because it wont need to be that high, really. In my america, you must be this tall to ride. So join me, fullsized people. Lets make america tall again [ cheers and applause ] and most importantly, lets bond together to teach these latvians a lesson theyll never forget we have to take a break. When we come back, the boys tell all. The baby bachelorette. So stick around, well be right back. [ school bell ringing] we were learning about how talented the ancient greeks were, and suddenly i traveled back in time i thought, i could have been a writer. Or an athlete i could have even been an architect then i realized, i dont have to go back in time to do amazing things. I can start today. Yes i can. Have you tried the tissue test . Question, are my teeth yellow . Ugh, yellow. What do you use . Crest whitestrips crest 3d whitestrips whiten. 25 times better than a leading whitening toothpaste i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Crest whitestrips are the way to whiten nversus a lube strip. A hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. From the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. This summer, tmobiles throwing a galaxy free for all. Right now get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. You heard right a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line. And get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. Get to tmobile because the galaxy free for all is only for a limited time. Only those who dare drive the world forward. Introducing the firstever cadillac ct6. Flo [ ghost voice ] oooo [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] welcome back to the show. David spade, ozzy and Jack Osbourne, and music from the strokes all coming. First, as you know, earlier tonight in primetime we had the bachelorette men tell all special but the telling september over. I happen to produce my own critically acclaimed bachelorette spinoff show starring children instead of adults. Grab a juice box, sit back in a little chair and relax as the boys tell all in the most revealing episode of the baby bachelorette yet. This season on the baby bachelorette. Biancas quest for true love introduced us to an amazing cast of characters. Some were fan favorites. Im captain america some were more controversial. Its my ex. He came back into my life. Im so humiliated. Others were just too short. Its hard being little. Tonight we hear from the boys. Jimmy tonight on the most shocking, dramatic boys tell all ever. Tensions rise and tales are tattled as our most controversial contestants in baby bachelorette history come together for the First Time Since bianca sent them home. While bianca continues her journey toward true love. Well hear from the men she left behind. About mistakes, regrets, and heartbreak. Fellas . Thanks for being brave enough to be here tonight. Im glad you are relaxed. Dylan, lets start with you. You made the boldest first impression. I have to ask you, why captain america . Um, because i was him yesterday. Jimmy you were captain america yesterday . Yes, so it was my turn to be spiderman jimmy today youre spiderman . Oh my goodness. Wow. He really is spiderman. Well. What prompted this change . What made you make this decision . I made the changes because i have i am spiderman jimmy because you are spiderman. How you doing . Ooth than ethan likes that. I want to move on to the most controversial departure of the season, eisley. Some viewers said it was unfair of you to lead bianca on. Ill ask you pointblank. Why did you come on the show if you already had a girlfriend . My girl and i werent exclusive. I needed to play the field. Jimmy well, thats not what this show is about. And i have to say i feel like you were here for the wrong reasons, right . Yeah . Dean, where is dean . Dean, hi. You mind if i i want to just yeah, put you over here. There you go. Dean, spiderman. Spiderman, dean. Dean, whats going on with you since you left the show . Has this been hard for you . Yeah. Jimmy did bianca break your heart . Yeah. Jimmy in how many pieces . Five. Jimmy five pieces . That is a lot of pieces. Do you think youll ever love again . It would be hard to trust another woman. Jimmy you know, dean, they say time heals all booboos and i think youre going to be just fine. Ill probably be single forever. Im spiderman youre not spiderman. Yes, i am. Jimmy well, we have a surprise reunion tonight. Someone america fell in love with just three short years ago. Please welcome the baby bachelor himself, wesley. And the winner of wesleys season, jesse. Guys, come on out. How are you doing, wesley . Have a seat on the couch. Wheres jesse . Oh, shes not here today. Jimmy why isnt she here . Because we grew apart. Jimmy was there an argument . Yep. Jimmy what did you have an argument about . Well jesse wanted to do one thing and i wanted to do a other thing. Jimmy you couldnt agree, come to a compromise . Yeah, uhhuh. May i ask, what was the one thing that you wanted to do that jesse didnt want to do . Go to the park. Jimmy she did not want to go to the park . Yeah. Jimmy where did she want to go . She wanted to go to the movies. Jimmy wow r. Im so sorry that happened. So are you still married . No. We just grew apart. And i respect jesse and i wish her nothing but the best. Jimmy thats very big of you. Do you have any regrets about the choice you made . I mean, you did choose jesse over gabby. Yes, i did. Jimmy you do . Uhhuh. Jimmy wesley, i have a surprise visitor for you tonight. Please welcome gabby. Gabby . Gabby, how are you . Very good to see you. Have a seat right there on the couch next to wesley. Wesley, say hello to gabby. Hi, gabby. Jimmy how long has it been since youve seen each other . A long, long time. Three years. Jimmy three years. Well, wesley told us just a moment ago that he still thinks about you and he still has feelings for you. Wesley, is there anything you would like to say to gabby . I think about you and what we had was special. And you have pretty hair. Jimmy aww. A lot of things have changed over three years. Jimmy what kind of things have happened . Ive lost my teeth. Jimmy uhhuh. I broke my arm. Jimmy oh i taught my sister a lot of curse words. Jimmy gabby, what do you think of that . Do you ever use curse words . No. Jimmy no. Well, thats very sweet. Wesley, anything youd like to ask gabby or say to her right now . Gabby . Will you marry me . I thought youd never ask. [ applause ] jimmy wesley . Did you bring a ring . Uh no. Jimmy you didnt bring a ring. Where the hell is neil lang . Isnt he supposed to bring rings out . Oh, well. Well get you a ring. And i am so happy for the both of you. Wow. What a wild ride this has been. Tune in next week as bianca makes her final decision. Will it be alex or manny who wins her heart . Next week well find out on the emotional Season Finale of the baby bachelorette. Congrats, guys. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy biancas amazing journey comes to an end next monday night. Tonight music from the strokes, ozzy and Jack Osbourne are here, and be right back with david spade [ cheers and applause ] americans, i dont understand you. Always working on vacation. Always multitasking. [baby crying] always busy making something. But what has all this ambition ever gotten you . That youre the greatest nation in the world . Where all your dreams come true . The galaxy note7 with s pen. Perfect for busy americans like us. [bark] do more, with the new galaxy note7. Hey, youre yes, sir. Clarence you know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. Steve. Yeah . Clarence is on a roll. Yeah. I wish theyd name an event after me. Same here. But the model year end becky event . Thats no good. Stevent thats just vandalism. Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a onethousand dollar volkswagen reward card and 0 apr on a new 2016 passat. Someones finally ready to start her day. Time to work some magic. Tada. Get gooeyflakyhappy. Toaster strudel. Jimmy hi, there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, from the new fatherson travel show, ozzy and jacks world detour, which can be seen on history. Ozzy and Jack Osbourne are here. [ cheers and applause ] then, this is their album. Its called future present past. The strokes from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, andy garcia will be here, jack huston will join us, and well have music from the gogos. And thursday, greg kinnear, dino archie, and dana white from the ufc. Join us then. Our first guest is an emmynominated actor and hollywood sex maggot who i mean magnet [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, hes got a show, its called fameless. It premieres monday night at 10 00 on trutv. Please say hello to david spade. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy sorry about that. Yeah. Jimmy that was not a freudian slip at all. You got all the other ones right. Hey, i was going to tell you that this little walk, i had dinner last night. Fivestar restaurant. Jimmy oh, congratulations. Congratulations. I like to throw that in. When the hostess walks you in, you might have this happen. First of all, all my friends think the hostesses are cute. We invented an app that tells you where the three hostesses are in the restaurant. Wheres the one with the brown hair . Table 26. Didnt sell. Jimmy thats good. That is really stalking. We went to apple on all of them. Jimmy didnt like it, huh . The hostess last night this is funny, youll hate it. I come in, i go to this place. She has to walk me but she wants to have a little chitter chat. Mr. Spade, thank you for coming. And how was your day . I go, i had a little bit of a health scare. She goes, here we are. Thats it . No followup . Just dead stop when she got to the table. Pivoted. But sometimes, like last night was really scary. Jimmy why . I was running out of batteries on my phone. Jimmy oh, yeah, my god