Thank you for coming. Very good to have you. Hey, heres a tidbit i found interesting today. We are now 97 days away from the president ial election. We still have 97 more days of this. I have a 2yearold daughter. I realized this morning this campaign has been going on for more than half her life. I feel its been going on for more than half my life now. Donald trump is in the middle of so much today i hardly know where to start. First of all, he was talking about bernie sanders. And while he was doing that, he came up with a new nickname for hillary clinton. If he would have just not done anything, just go home, go to sleep, relax, he would have been a hero. But he made a deal with the devil. Shes the devil. He made a deal with the devil. Jimmy i like how he says, its true. As if he traveled to hell and confirmed it himself. Saw her with the shoes off, yep, shes got hooves, shes the devil. Calling your opponent the devil, thats going to be tough to reel back in if he loses and has to make a concession speech. Today i called the devil and congratulated her on her victory. Im disappointed but we now unite behind our president the devil. If he loses by the way its going to be the greatest concession speech in history, right . [ cheers and applause ] in the history not just of the united states. New york times had a big story about the five deferments trump got to avoid being drafted during the war in vietnam. Four of his deferments were because he was in college. The fifth was a melody ferment because he said he had a bone spur in his heel which fortunately healed up the moment the war was over. So his heel healed. Im surprised he had a bad heel. I assumed his heels would be the best. The best heels ever. But after that story came out a war veteran in virginia approached donald trump and gave him his purple heart. A man came up to me, and he handed me his purple heart. Now, i said to him i said to him, is that like the real one . Or that is a copy . He said, thats my real purple heart. I have such confidence in you. And i said, man, thats like thats like big stuff. I always wanted to get the purple heart. This was much easier. Jimmy yeah. Definitely. [ laughter ] anybody have a nobel prize they want to give him too . And maybe most damaging of all this stuff, he tweeted this photograph last night. In which he is feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon, even. Whats more relatable than a man in a suit eating Fried Chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hes just like us. I dont know whos advising him. Who eats kfc with a knife and fork . I dont even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you dont need anything. All you need is a face to eat kfc. Ill tell you, its tweets like these that make Chris Christie very jealous hes not trumps running mate right now. Trump has been lashing out at the media. Shes reangry with the media lately because they keep reporting all the things he says, which is totally unfair, makes him look bad. The clip youre about to see i think really sums donald trump up. If you were to done donald trump into like a large stock pot and boil him, set him to simmer for a month until he becomes soup, if you were to pour that soup into a snow globe and seal it up forever, this clip what is you would get. Eye very close to china. I have a biggest bank in the world a tenant of mine in new york. The biggest in the world, a chinese bank. Dont worry about that baby, i love babies. I love babies, i hear that baby crying, i like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Dont worry, dont worry. The moms run around. Dont worry about it. Its young and beautiful and healthy and thats what we want. Okay, we have the piggy bank. They have ripped us to shreds. Ripped us absolutely to shreds. Actually i was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here. Thats all right. Dont worry. I think she really believed me that i love having a baby crying while im speaking. Thats okay. Jimmy its all there, right . China, a baby, he likes china he likes the baby, he doesnt like the baby. Hes kidding, he wasnt kidding. Every iota of donald trump was right there in that 60second clip. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ive never seen a guy running for president flipflop on babies before. And our final moment of trump time tonight comes from ris rally in harrisburg where he slowed him way down for tonights edition of drunk donald trump. [ slow music ] [ playing the tape slowly ] thinking all the time how am i going to and theyre turning and tossing and sweating and disgusting. Jimmy that trump vodka is strong. The summer olympics start on friday in rio. And the u. S. Mens Basketball Team is getting ready. They beat venezuela in an exhibition game over the weekend by 35 points. Afterwards, on the team playing, they celebrated with the number five song from may of 2002. And i need you and i miss you and now i want to if i could fall into the sky would pass me by because you know id walk a thousand miles [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah. Thats quite a feat. Carmelo anthony looks like hed rather have the zika virus than be on that plane. So if that doesnt strike fear into our opponents hearts, nothing will. Weve had a lot of fun so far but weve now reached the educational portion of the program. We recently teamed up with our friend snoop dogg for what has already become a very popular new guessing game. The way it works is we show snoop footage from a factory. We show him film of something getting made. Then we ask him to try to figure out what that something was. Feel free to guess along. Here is this weeks edition of howz it mizzade . Snoop dogg coming at you one more time trying to see what the [ bleep ] they making. Actually wait a minute is that cocaine . Onnering to make some rocks . Hold on. This is wait, wait, what is this . Looks like theyre making cement sculptured light poles. Fire hydrants. Piggy banks. What is this . Ice cream. Oh a workmans hat. A lightbulb. A toilet. What in the [ bleep ] is this . Yarn. I cant figure this [ bleep ] out for nothing in the world, dog. Im trying my best too. Liquids. Oh, a bowling ball yall got me with that [ bleep ], that was tight. Now thats how you make a [ bleep ], [ bleep ] bowling ball. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, snoop. We have to take a break. When we come back we go deep into the new season of bachelor in paradise and nate diaz of the ufc confronts his haters facetoface. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] i like to use my backpack as a basketball i use mine as a science experiment as an emergency umbrella. 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And now with housemade vanilla sweet cream. Smooth meets sweet. In stores now. Only at starbucks. Cottonelle asked real people their bums. Ing. What . laughs laughs what does cleanripple texture do . Catches all the stuff that you want to get out. This is really nice. This one is, like, it goes the extra step. It gets it all clean. How does being clean feel . Kind of sassy. Uh, breezy. Hands up. Weeeeeee. My bum is saying, thank you very much. Cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. Go cottonelle, go commando. The new cmade with 100 ts white meat chicken, no artificial preservatives, flavors and colors, it just might convince the judges here today. crowd cheers and theyve done it the new chicken mcnuggets rightfully claim their gold this is the best day jimmy cleto and the cletones, that sounds great, thank you very much. Also tonight, salma hayek, Mark Consuelos, music from grouplove. Tonight on abc we were treated to the premiere of the new season of bachelor in paradise followed by tomorrow nights std results show. Its all part of the package. If youre not familiar with the bachelor in paradise they send a bunch of borderline personality reject friday the bachelor and the bachelorette on vacation together and get them drunk and let the magic happen. One episode in already this is the best show on television. Starting with a physically fit but mentally not so much canadian named daniel. Im back, america. Canadas invading. Were taking over. My names daniel. Im 31 years old. I was on jojos season of the bachelorette. Cant get rid of me. Im like a disease that just wont go away. Like herpes or something. I dont know if i want to be associated with herpes, but you know. Its treatable nowadays so its not a buying deal, right . Jimmy right, right. Bottom line, dont get in the hot tub with daniel. So daniels buddy from the bachelorette, the monster known as bad chad, was in the house. Daniel was the only guy on the bachelorette who seemed to like chad. In mexico things got off to a rocky start. I just want to make out with youre not making out with anyone tonight. Impossible i already made out with her. Yeah, you did. You have a better chance of making out with a turtle than a girl tonight. You really havent your chances are slim to none. Youre making me want to throw your ass down. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. Being honest and realistic with you. No, [ bleep ] off, man. Serious, man. Im [ bleep ] serious. You better not swing at me like that again, bro, ill take you down. Ill take you down in chinatown [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy take you down. I like the thought process there. Ill take you down. Ill take you down to chinatown threats are scarier when they rhyme in general. So chad got so out of control the next morning Chris Harrison had to convene a special Group Meeting about it which led to maybe the most shocking thing Chris Harrison has ever said on the show. This was a Second Chance for everybody to come in here and find love. Right, thats why were here. This was also a Second Chance for you. We all came here to be in paradise. In a matter of one night, you have turned this into hell. Being belligerent to the staff of this hotel huh . I was friendly to the staff of the hotel. You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck [ bleep ]. Jimmy well, you know. You say that kind of thing to the hotel staff, you will not get one of those chocolates on your pillow at night. So chris had to tell chad hes going home. Fortunately chad handled that with dignity and grace. Youre making this a lot worse than it needs to be. No, you come here and make me look like a bitch, and you act like you see me, you didnt even watch it, you went to sleep with a mill moles so and a robe on, you didnt even watch the show. You think this is fun and games . This is my life. Youre going to try to make me look like a bitch [ bleep ] . You, Chris Harrison, come at me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i wish he had. Or im glad he didnt come at him. I dont know. Is it too late for donald trump to change running mates . While were on the subject of fighting, there is a big ufc match coming up two weeks from saturday in vegas. Ufc 202. It is the muchanticipated rematch between Conor Mcgregor and nate diaz. Nate diaz won the first bout. Mcgregor is slightly favored to win this bout. We went on the street and we talked to a bunch of fans who think Conor Mcgregor is going to win. While they were talking smack about nate diaz and how great conor is, we had nate sneak up behind them. This is whats up with nate diaz. Ufc 202. Conor mcgregor versus nate diaz. Whos going to win and how . I think conors going to knock him the hell out. Im excited. Im ready to see ufc 202. Conors going to whoop him, im ready, lets go. Whoa oh, whoa. I dont know why you want me to get knocked out. Whats going on here . Nate, whats up . Youre going to be great. Now, man. Represent its all good. I like this guy a lot too, though. I did say that right . I said that. No you didnt say that. I love Conor Mcgregor, hes definitely going to knock out nate diaz at 202. Its going to be a completely different fight this time. Hes going to knock him out . Hes going to knock him out. There he is. Conors going to be more patient and not take him for granted like he did last name. Last time he was taken for granted. This time conors going to take his time. Nate diaz i think is going to be the more confident one because hes the lucky one, got that lucky fight in. Oh [ bleep ] hes got the powers right here, get a picture. Thats nate diaz right there. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy see diaz versus mac greg over ucufc 202. We have music from grouplove, Mark Consuelos is here, be right back with salma hayek so stick around [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by captain morgan. Join the movement to let people under 35 be president by signing the petition at under35potus. Com. Right now get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. You heard right a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line. And get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. Get to tmobile because the galaxy free for all is only for a limited time. Thats all i crave. E thats where this comes in. Only nicorette gum has patented dualcoated technology for great taste. Plus nicorette gum gives you intense craving relief. 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Its the greatest deal since the louisiana purchase. Sort of. The jumbo breakfast platter just 2. 99 for a limited time. Value, done my way. Jimmy sitting in with cleto and the cletones, she has a band with ritchie sambura. Thats right. Jimmy im a genius. Tonight from the new movie nine lives and the forthcoming tv show pitch, Mark Consuelos is here. All wait from los angeles, california, this is their new album, its called big mess. Grouplove from the samsung outdoor stage. Tomorrow night, hugh grant will be here tomorrow. Nicky glazer, music from miranda lambert. Thursday, morgan freeman, music from young the giant. So please join us for all that. Our first guest is an oscar nominee who makes every day feel like feliz 1 2i dad. Starting august 12th she lends voice to a taco in a Sausage Party. Please welcome salma hayek [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Very good to see you. I was joke about you playing a taco but you are playing a taco. I am playing a taco, yes. Jimmy you were born in mexico. Correct. Jimmy youre part lebanese. Yes. Jimmy your husband is french. Yes. Jimmy your daughter is american. Yes. Jimmy how many passports do you personally hold . When we travel its like when youre watching those movies, those people that need to get away and they go to the safe and they have this pile of different passports . This is my family. Traveling from place to place. Jimmy so when it comes to the olympics which are starting this weekend, who do you root, which country do you root for . Ah, this is tricky. Jimmy yes. I have to root always first for mexico. Jimmy okay. Because thats where youre born. [ cheers and applause ] and also because the mexican athletes dont get the support that the american or the french or the english athletes get. Jimmy gotcha. So really, they have so much merit. To get to the olympics. Jimmy its harder. Its harder than it is here in the united states. Its harder, much harder. Jimmy what is the big sport . Is it socker that mexicans are most excited about . Yes. I mean, were very good at some strange ones like archery. Jimmy really . Athletics, well walk forever, you know. All the training, crossing back and forth. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy also diving. But im a huge soccer fan. So for me, soccer. We have this amazing experience in brazil. Because we got to have the last game, games brazil for the gold medal. This was a very important day in my life. Jimmy was it . Yes, and my husband, my whole family had come over for the summer. Jimmy where were you . I was here in l. A. When i say my whole family, the mexicans know thats not likely. Thats a lot of people in one house. [ laughter ] and my husband had arrived like 2 00 in the moneying and the game was really early. Then he was jet lagged and he couldnt sleep. Oh my god, i was nervous that i was going to be too tired for the game. And finally, you know, we went to sleep. But i didnt i couldnt wake him up because he went to sleep like two hours before the game. And then i woke up really early. And it was like a conspiracy. None of the televisions were working. Jimmy oh. Except the one in our bedroom. Jimmy oh. So i said to my 200 members of the family [ laughter ] and the people that work in the house also wanted to watch the game. Were going to go into my bedroom but everybody has to be super quiet. [ laughter ] i am going to put the television in mute. You just got to watch and just keep it to yourself. Francois is going to be sleeping there. And i dont want him to s