Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160702 : comparemela

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160702



i want to begin by sending special well wishes to our viewers in oklahoma who are in a state of emergency. did you hear about this? in oklahoma last night they introduced an emergency bill to keep transgender people from using the bathroom. that's right. this is the bill. it declares, quote, for the preservation of the public peace, health and safety, an emergency is hereby declared to exist. this would be a good time to call your family members in oklahoma to make sure they're okay. [ laughter ] how can this be an emergency? how many transgender people can there even be in oklahoma? four? who do you call when a man dressed as a woman walks into the ladies' room? the fashion police? i want you to know that wherever you live, i am here to help you during this time of bathroom emergency. what is going on? let me tell you something. i have had bathroom emergencies. this is not one of them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i once had to abandon my car in the left lane of traffic, get out, and run into a casual asian restaurant called pickup sticks by the way. that was a bathroom emergency. this is -- i'll tell you something. this will all change when i'm vice president of these united states. please, bring out the podium. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to have this podium because i have a major announcement to make. my fellow americans, though i have only been officially running for vice president for eight days, those who know me know i've been fighting for commonsense issues for my entire adult life, and at the top of my list, my number one issue is this. these insanely long receipts they give you at cvs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] number one. i don't know about you, but i want to live in an america where the receipt you get for buying one roll of toilet paper is shorter than the roll of toilet paper. i've been talking about this for years. [ cheers and applause ] i've yelled and screamed. to no avail. i personally asked president obama to do something about this. he did nothing, and then something changed. i declared my candidacy for vice president, and out of nowhere we got a phone call from the president of cvs pharmacy. her name is helena folkes. she's with us to make a major announcement. please welcome helena folkes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much. welcome. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming, helena. please, tell us why you're here tonight. >> well, thanks to you, jimmy, we knew our customers were very concerned about the length of our receipts. >> jimmy: they were too long! >> they were too long. and while we're always worried about the concerns of our customers, when you announced your candidacy for vice president, we took those concerns even more seriously. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> so i'm here tonight to announce, very pleased to announce that cvs is moving our receipts to be digital. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no paper. >> and if you're one of our 70 million extra care members, you'll be able to sign up, choose digital receipts and you'll never receive a paper printout from us again. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wonderful. that is great news. when will this go into effect? >> this is starting very soon, and, in fact, it will be available at all 7900 cvs locations by the end of june. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wonderful. i just want to restate, this is all thanks to who? >> this is all thanks to you, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is all thanks to you, vice president kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: helena folkes, everyone, from cvs, thank you. victory! thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: before a single vote has even been counted, i am doing things. you're welcome, america. there you go. there will be no littering when i'm vice president either. oh. hey. we have a great show for you tonight. bryan cranston is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's a wonderful man and actor. he's promoting his new hbo movie all the way, which is the story about how president lyndon b. johnson, lbj, lost his virginity. he went all the way. we get to see all of it. bryan just had a birthday. bryan turned 60 in march. it's a milestone, and mtv was on hand to document the whole thing, and they gave us the exclusive premiere. this is exciting because nobody has seen this. here it is. we are all invited to bryan cranston's birthday. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm turning 60 in a few weeks and my super sweet 60th has to be turned. ♪ it's my chance to shine sweet 60 ♪ ♪ so much more to life sweet 60 ♪ >> hi, i'm bryan cranston, six-time emmy award winning actor. i'm sexy. i'm cute. and i love the spotlight. despite my success i still live at home with my mother and father in california. i'm their little superstar. >> you need to have a very good breakfast. it's really important. >> have you two booked the party planner or what? >> i'm meeting with him tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. >> we're meeting? no, this is my party. >> somebody got to watch the budget. >> budget? dad, this is my time to shine bright like a diamond. shine bright like a diamond. in the sky. i swear to god, if my parents make me plan this party like i'm a poor person, i will lose my [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] will be lost, bible. >> we need you to be reasonable. >> reasonable? were you reasonable in skipping my broadway debut because of your dialysis? did either of you think about my feelings? >> oh. bryan. >> just set up the party planner. try to be good parents. get away from me. >> bryan can be difficult, but deep down he's really a sweet boy. >> he's an ass. i said it. write it down. >> who's ready to party? i'm jimmy kimmel. i'm a party planner. i've planned partyies for ice t and coco, all the biggies. i'm looking forward to meeting bryan. our first theme theme, hawaiian bryan. we could have coconuts, or maybe that obese man who sang "somewhere over the rainbow," we can get him to come sing. >> he's dead. >> i'm so sorry. we have others. showbiz. you're in showbiz. lights, camera, cranston. >> wow, how original. no. >> this is one that's called hats off to bryan, and people would wear different hats? like fedoras? >> you are the limp [ bleep ] of ideas. i couldn't believe what he was proposing. i need to make sure that jimmy sees my vision crystal clear. my sweet 60 has to be ferocious. do you understand? >> did he just say ferocious? >> he did, ferocious. >> i'm so glad you said that, because i do have one more idea. we didn't make a poster for it. but get this. the bryan king. like the lion king but with your name in place of the word lion. bryan. the king of the jungle. roar. >> uh-huh, uh-huh. >> roaring your way to 60. >> okay. can we get a lion? >> a real lion? >> a real lion. >> yes. yes. of course. yes. >> no, i mean one that actually ate some people. >> guillermo can get that. >> i'll take care of it. >> he's mexican. >> one with a crown. >> because you'd be the king. >> bryan, honey, the budget. >> bryan, honey, the budget. shut up, mom. >> yeah, mom, could you zip it for a little while? >> thank you. >> this is your own child. he's your mufasa. was he the good one? mufasa? >> yeah, he was the good one. >> this is your lion king. >> the bryan king. music. >> yes, music. i love that too. >> i want cisco. >> cisco? >> the thong song, hello. >> oh, yeah. the thong -- yes. >> the thong song. >> such a good song. i think we have a party. ♪ thong thong thong thong thong ♪ >> we're a thong wearing family. we all wear thongs. >> show us your thongs. >> coming up next on my super sweet 60. ♪ >> yo, that's whack tight. >> yeah, and my balls aren't giving me camel toe, are they? ♪ so much more to life sweet 60 ♪ >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, part two of my super sweet 60. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ wopen up a lot of dawn. tough on grease...yet gentle. dawn helps open... something even bigger. go to facebook.com, dawn saves wildlife. ♪ we asked real people to use on their bums. why do you think the ripples make a difference? it gets it all clean. they give me a very happy feeling bum. cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. go cottonelle, go commando. it's here, but it's going by fast. the opportunity of the year is back: the mercedes-benz summer event. get to your dealer today for incredible once-a-season offers, and start firing up those grilles. lease the c300 for $379 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight joanna newsom and anika knownmy rose, but now it's time for part two of bryan cranston's birthday. >> previously on "my super sweet 60." >> my sweet 60 has to be ferocious. >> the bryan king. >> i want cisco. >> i think we have a party. ♪ so much more to life sweet 60 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> i am fully right now. fully. in addition to jimby and the crown handler, my bestie is coming over to help me pick out the most bomb-ass outfit ever. >> yo, make my boy bryan look tight. >> ta-da! >> you look like a sleepy refugee. that hat's too hatty. yo, that's whack tight! >> yeah? and my balls are not giving me camel toe, are they? >> that's perfect toe. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> yes. >> are you ready to try on some crowns? >> i am. >> i want to try on some too. >> no. it's my day. it's my day. >> may i put this on yourhead, your majesty? >> you may. >> you look great. >> more. >> two. ha ha ha! >> more. >> no way. >> three. there can't be more than that. >> give me another one. give me anotr one. >> no way. >> i want another one. >> but they're stacked so high. >> i want another crown. >> it's not safe. >> it's my party! ♪ >> damn! >> amazing. >> i feel like i'm so much better than any of you. ha ha! >> did you find a crown? >> i found five, dad. >> do you need help picking one out? >> mom, i'm not picking one out. i would never be taken seriously if at my own party i wear the same crown all night? >> but, please, between the crowns and the car you want, we can't afford it. >> if my parents mention the [ bleep ] budget one more time, i am going to pop off! >> it's the crown and the lambo, okay? that's all i asked for, and the party. that's it. and sisqo, and that was it. and you guys are so selfish. >> come through for your boy. boom. >> that is enough of that. >> you are ruining my party, and you are ruining my life. ♪ >> okay. you can have three crowns. >> five. >> okay, five. we're going to be dead soon anyway. >> thank you, dad. i'll buy you a beautiful casket. >> yeah. >> coming up next on "my super sweet 60." >> so far this has been the worst night of my life, and i -- i don't know how it can get my worse. ♪ so much more to life sweet 60 ♪ >> jimmy: so the dramatic conclusion, part three of three to "my super sweet 60" later on, so stay up. we have a great night. music from joanna newsom, from "roots" anika noni rose, and we'll be right back with super sweet bryan cranston. 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. you look very handsome. >> you know, i wanted to do a little shoutout for guillermo, because every time that there is a red carpet across the street, he is there with the tequila, like a postman, dedicated to delivering his message. >> jimmy: like that st. bernard with the rum barrel around its neck. yes, yes. well, that's nice. it's a nice thing for you to do. you're a nice guy in general, and you're fantastic in this movie. it's unbelievable how much you look like lbj and sound like him. [ cheers and applause ] you really became him. >> i have two facial qualities that i share with lbj that every man would love to have, and that's beady eyes and thin lips. so i had a head start with it. >> jimmy: i saw you in the broadway play version. that was fantastic. did you have as much makeup on in that? >> no, on the play -- i don't know how to attach the prosthetic make.very well. so all i did were the ear drops. i glued on these ear drops that added about another inch, inch and a half to the ears. he had huge ears. and that was it. then i put gray in my hair and accentuated the wrinkles and that sort of thing and put a line for the dimple in his chin. >> jimmy: one of the great little things about lbj is he would hold meetings while he was on the toilet. people would have to come in and talk to him. >> you say that like it's a strange thing. >> jimmy: the only other person that i've heard, i don't know for sure if they did it or was, tommy lasorda. he supposed to -- supposedly he would cut players, call them in when he was in the bathroom. so he wouldn't feel bad about being cut. >> they're already feeling bad, like oh, i'm going to make your life better. you're cut. you don't have to see me take a crap anymore. >> jimmy: that's true, though. >> it is true. he used to put people back on their heels by continuing the conversation from the oval office to the private bathroom. come on follow me in here, come here, i can't understand what the hell you're saying, come here, come here, sit here, sit here. hand me that roll of toilet paper there. and he would just do -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how far are we going to take this? [ cheers and applause ] >> you want me to sign that? >> jimmy: you've already done that, yeah. by the way, the day we shot your super sweet 16 was the day "the new york times" article, it was a conversation, three people, two of them you and president obama. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that was pretty great. was that fun for you? >> oh my gosh. you know -- it was the idea of the writer of the "new york times," phil, and he had to call the white house first, of course. >> jimmy: sure. >> what do you think about this idea? and then they said yes, we'd like to do that. then he called me and so the message i got was we have this table for three idea. the president has already approved. what would you say? are you in or out? and it's like, hm. uh. you know. >> jimmy: it's nice that they first checked with the president. it would be terrible if they asked you and then they called and said he doesn't want to do it with you. >> not going to happen. >> jimmy: you guys have something in common that you dressed almost identically. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> obama. i said obama, are you there? are you wearing blue? i'm wearing blue. >> jimmy: so you went for him as halloween, and there you are in the oval office dressed the same. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they say people like people who dress like them. >> that was a total accident. >> jimmy: that was fun to read. that was a lot of fun to read. >> it was a lot of fun, and i was very honored to be in that office. >> jimmy: do you do other presidents besides johnson? do you do obama or trump? do you do any of these guys? >> i don't do obama. i could do a little bit of bernie. >> jimmy: good. >> i want to be in the white house. i will be there. there's a pathway to the white house. um, um, i just can't figure out where it is. i need to go to the bathroom. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well come. bryan cranston is here. his movie is "all the way" it premiers tomorrow on hbo. when we come back, the conclusion to "my super sweet 60." we'll be right back. 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"all the way," new movie on hbo, premieres tomorrow night. he had a big birthday. we got to see the first two parts. here it is, the conclusion to my super sweet 60. >> i haven't seen it yet. >> previously on "my super sweet 60." >> oh, thank you, dad. i'll buy you a beautiful casket. ♪ so much more to life sweet 60 ♪ >> so today is the day! it's time to party. ♪ [ lion king music ] >> i cannot wait to see my people's faces when they see me make my grand entrance. ♪ it's the circle of life [ cheers and applause ] >> you look just like a lion, yo. yeah! whoo! >> stop it. quiet. everything stops. where is jimmy? i need to see jimmy right now. jimmy. jimmy. >> are you having fun my birthday king? >> no. there is a big sign across my birthday stage that says the brion king and that's not how i spell my name. >> but we went with -ion like lion. the lion king. let's get another crown on your head. i think this will make you much happier. >> it says brion. >> on purpose. >> oh, the spelling is wrong. stupid unicorn. >> i know bryan is real famous, but he's an [ bleep ]. >> i'm going to come back here and pretend that i wasn't here. i'm just -- so far this has been the worst night of my life, and i -- i don't know how it can get any worse. ♪ >> no. no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no, no! >> hey! >> no. >> no what? >> bitch is not going to poach my look at my party, okay? go home and change. >> are you serious? >> go home and change. right now. >> tunny, bryan. >> i carried your ass for six years, and you're not going to steal my thunder now. go home and change. or i'll have my dad throw your ass out. >> you'll have your dad throw me out? >> yeah. how do you like that? dad! boom. ♪ [ laughter ] >> it's happening. this is happening. ♪ >> throw him out. >> come on. >> wow, you're going to really throw me out? wow. wow. >> the tail -- >> you know what? you know when i told you i said i loved "trumbo"? guess what? i didn't even see it! oh, no. i didn't see "trumbo." yeah. happy birthday, bitch. >> yeah. bye. talent walking. am i right? >> oh, boohoo. i wore it best, and bryan knows it. [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, everybody. is everyone having a wild time? >> no! >> are you happy? >> no! ♪ happy birthday to you >> no, no, no, no, no, no. move, move, move. no, no, no, no, no. stop singing! no one but sysqo sings at my party. >> do you want to blow those out? >> yes! [ engine revving ] ♪ >> get out of my way. get out of my way. go, go, go! yeah! >> get out -- get out. >> i belong in it. don't i? daddy, lift me up like simba. i feel like a king. lift me up. >> bryan, we have one more surprise for you. pop the hood. >> no. >> pop it. pop it. [ cheers and applause ] >> i was in that trunk for, like, 45 minutes. >> sisqo! ♪ >> yeah, you're my present! i own you. >> well, i mean, um, no. >> thank you! do you want to sing? >> sure. >> yeah! ♪ let me see that thong ♪ baby, that thong thong thong thong thong ♪ ♪ let your booty ♪ that thong thong thong thong thong ♪ come on! ♪ come on! ♪ ♪ that thong >> next time on "my super sweet 60." >> that's [ bleep ]! i'm bob saget. [ bleep ] you. ♪ so much more to life sweet 60." >> jimmy: bryan cranston, everybody. happy birthday. his movie premieres tomorrow night on hbo. we'll be right back with anika noni rose. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! yeah, i'm cleaning the gutters! washing the dog! washing the cat! well i'm learning snapchamp! chat. chat! changing the oil... (vo) it's surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i don't want to stare, but i am already staring, because you posted something on facebook a couple of hours ago. you said, and i've written it down, just to make sure i don't feel too good about it. the universe made sure to provide me with a pimple in the middle of my cheek. you know what? they hid it pretty well. i guess. >> i talked to the universe, and benzoyl peroxide. >> jimmy: now i see it, never mind, i got it now. >> we worked on that thing. >> jimmy: will you allow me to pop it here on television? [ cheers and applause ] >> if you can find it, you can pop it. >> jimmy: isn't that the worst, though? it's weird when you're an adult and it's like, what is this? this is supposed to be over when i'm a teenager. and here they are again, and yet, i also love them in a way, and i welcome them. >> because it proves that you're still vital. >> jimmy: no. i just like to watch them splatter all over. it's true. i don't know what else to say about it. it's been a while since you were here. >> yes. >> jimmy: you did that children's movie. what was the movie? >> that little thing called "princess and the frog." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very popular. i was talking to bryan about president obama. you were on broadway at the same time bryan was doing his show. >> i was. we were a few streets over. the president came to our show first. >> jimmy: yeah, the president came to see your show. you were doing "a raisin in the sun." when there's a very famous person in the audience at a show you're doing on broadway, do you want to know they're there, prefer not? >> no. i actively tell people do not tell me. there was steve mcqueen came to our show, and that show happened to be a not great show for me. like we couldn't -- our energy was bumping against each other and i was like that wasn't a great show, and i walked downstairs and there was steve mcqueen, and i -- i died the death of 10,000 doves in my heart. >> jimmy: really. >> so i don't want to know while it's happening so then i can continue to do my show and not be on stage thinking -- >> jimmy: can you see the people? >> i can't see them. i can see you almost. >> jimmy: the president and the first lady both came to the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: when they come to the show it's got to be a very big deal, secret service, all that stuff. >> there is no surprise. don't bring an extra snack. your bags and you are being searched. you're being searched. the blocks were blocked off before you got to our street. you had to go through secret service. there was nothing secret about it. it started very, very late, and the audience was so amped, and i think if i'm remembering correctly, sophie was the first on stage, then denzel came out and there was this huge burst of applause. and i was like, they're really loving denzel tonight. they were loving president obama. >> jimmy: did he walk in midway through the play? >> no. i think a lot of people all of a sudden realized he was there. there was this huge burst of applause. >> jimmy: they didn't know why they were being searched? on the way in? >> here's one thing that you need to know. if the president is coming to you or you're going to them, you never know if it's really going to happen. >> jimmy: i see. >> for security. it might happen, or it might be you and your friends with each other. >> jimmy: overall a positive experience? >> very positive. >> jimmy: and now you're in "rots." this is a reimagining. a reimagining of "roots." what's the difference between a remake and a re-imagine. >> the remake will try to stay the course of the original thing. this is something that, because it's 40 years after the original, we just -- because of research were able to have a lot more information about particularly what happened in africa before he was brought to these shores. we now know where he came from was an extraordinarily developed area with universities, scholarship, libraries, a huge city. people on horseback who were warriors. it was not the small, a couple of huts. >> jimmy: yeah, that's what it was. >> the spot we thought that it was. not because alex halex didn't do the research, he just didn't have the skills that we have now with dna and carbon dating and google, all the stuff that we have. >> jimmy: you're probably too young to remember when that mini series was on. it was, i think, 130 million people watched it. i remember everyone was watching that, and it was such -- did you watch the mini series? >> i was too little to watch it. >> jimmy: i mean later on. >> yes. i've seep it. i saw it with my family. i saw it in junior high. i had an amazing conversation. i was in cannes. there was a group of people from japan interested in possibly bringing the new one there. they said the term roots was coined from the movie. so when in japan they speak of searching for roots or your roots, they use that word -- it is now in their language because of the original movie. >> jimmy: that's crazy. that movie was a huge deal. congratulations on the mini series. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's called "roots." premieres may 30th at 9:00 on history. anika noni rose! be right back with joanna newsom. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to all my special guests. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, this is her album. it's called "divers." here with the song "sapokanikan," joanna newsom! ♪ ♪ the cause is ozymandian the map of sapokanikan is sanded and beveled the land lone and leveled ♪ ♪ by some unrecorded and powerful hand which plays along the monument ♪ ♪ and drums upon a plastic bag the brave men and women so dear to god ♪ ♪ and famous to all of the ages rag sing do you love me will you remember ♪ ♪ the snow falls above me the renderer renders the event is in the hand of god ♪ ♪ beneath a patch of grass her bones the old dutch master hid while elsewhere ♪ ♪ tobias and the angel disguised what the scholars surmised was a ♪ mother and kid interred with other daughters in dirt in other potter's fields ♪ ♪ above them parades mark the passing of days through parks where ♪ ♪ pale colonnades arch in marble and steel where all of the twenty thousand attending ♪ ♪ your foot fall and the cause that they died for are lost in the ♪ ♪ idling birdcalls and the records they left are cryptic at best lost in obsolescence ♪ ♪ the text will not yield nor x-ray reveal with any fluorescence where the hand of ♪ ♪ the master begins and ends i fell i tried to do well but i won't be ♪ ♪ will you tell the one that i loved to remember and hold me i call and call ♪ ♪ for the doctor but the snow swallows me whole with old florry walker ♪ ♪ the event lives only in print he said it's alright and it's all over now ♪ ♪ and boarded the plane his belt unfastened the boy was known to show unusual daring ♪ ♪ and called a boy this alderman confounding tammany hall in whose employ ♪ ♪ king tamanend himself preceded john's fall so we all raise a standard to which ♪ ♪ the wise and honest soul may repair to which a hunter a hundred years from now ♪ ♪ may look and despair and see with wonder the tributes we have left to ♪ ♪ rust in the park swearing that our hair stood on end to see john ♪ ♪ purroy mitchel depart for the western front where work might count all exeunt all go out ♪ ♪ await the hunter to decipher the stone and what lies under now the city is ♪ ♪ gone ♪ look and despair ♪ look and despair ♪ ♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight a father locked up for years now free. the emotional reunion with his family. and face-to-face with the judge who sentenced him. are mandatory drug laws really keeping america safer? how this motley crew of models, actresses, musicians and writers are making a slam drunk, tracking a cult following in a brand-new documentary. ♪ the bombs bursting in air >> the mom who just wanted to sing for a family at the lincoln memorial. ♪ gave proof through the night >> an overnight viral sensation. first the "nightline 5." you washed that by hand, right? >> yes, dear.

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