Its very dont think i dont appreciate it. I do. Theres so much going on in the world. Too much, really. I wish everybody would just slow down. Starting with a miraculous birth in india. A baby was born in india to what is believed to be the worlds oldest mother. Shes 72 years old, and her husband is 79 years old. We have a picture. There they are. Thats their son. This is whats danger about the ka kamasura. Look how happy they are. They said theyve wanted a baby for many years but they wanted to all be in diapers at the same time, so. I cant pronounce their last names but their first names are daljinder and motider. They met on tinder. They did it through in vitro. When the kid graduates from high school, his parents, lets see, theyll be dead. Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people. Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot. Hillary clinton could lose all the remaining primaries and shell still get the nomination, but at this point bernie has a better chance of being drafted by an nba team than being the nominee. Hes still out there, and trump is taking aim. Trump gave bernie a nickname. He tweeted i dont want to hit crazy Bernie Sanders too hard. I love what hes doing to crooked hillary. Now its lying ted, little rubio, and crooked hillary. Its like the spice girls. Everyone has a nickname. Paul ryan and ted cruz are saying theyre not ready to support donald trump. What do you have to do to get ready to support someone . Is it like getting a wax . A new Public Policy poll, they ask people questions and showed that many Trump Supporters tend to believe in conspiracy theories. 65 of those who support donald trump think obama is a muslim. 59 that he was not born in the united states. 27 think volcaaccines cause au, trump does particularly well among voters who are looking for a candidate who, quote, tells it like it is, and especially among voters who dont care what it is, actually is. Those are e were in good shape. We laugh at north korea, but they might soon be laughing at us in. Many state media of north korea released a natural head shot of their leader, kim jongun, photos that dont seem to be retouch retouch. Its a big deal. Usually head shots in north korea means he shot a relative in the head, but this is his new official photo. I think he looks cute. Hes defying conventional standards of beauty. Its like a member of un direction, right . They also released the head shots of two dozen government officials. I dont know why. I love this photo. I stared at it. I looked at it all day today. Now, this is a happy bunch, right . I mean, its like yearbook picture day at the most depressing high school in the world. This guy over here looks like he had has a Rocket Launcher pointed at his head. Go to this guy here. Yes. This official looks like he is not has not eaten in a month or something, and i like the pins they wear. Lets go to one more here. He looks like a pack of wild dogs is eating his lower half, doesnt he . [ laughter ]. Take a look and see if you note anything. Kim jongun is the only fat person in the country. The leader is fat and theyre all skinny. We have obama at 135 pounds and were all on the atkins diet. Before photographers take a picture in north korea they say cheese and the people say whats cheese . Can we have some . Our governor in california sienled a bill to raise the smoking age from 18 to 21. Starting june 9th you have to be 21 to buy for smoking or vaping. So stock up. Tobacco companies hate it. Theyre working on a way to get their product in the hands of not just the teenagers but younger consumers with exciting new products like this. Hey, kids. Yeah. Want a fun new squeezable snack in a pouch . Yeah. Grab a new marlboro fun squeeze. All the convenience of a snack pouch with a little extra quick. Awesome. My mouth hurts. It tastes like poison. Thats because it is. Marlboro fun squeeze contains 40 apple sauce and 60 carcino n carcinoge carcinogens. Can i have another . Get them by the carton, available in regular or cool menthal. May cause addiction and death. Marlboro squeeze. Give it a squirt. I got to get one more my daughter. Hey, this is something special. As you probably know on a normal night we have a commercial break between the first and second parts of the monologue. Tonight we do. Tonight in place of the commercial we premier the first look at the trailer for assassins creed. Its never been seen before, and actually, you might never be seen at all because we were supposed to get the dvd, and it hasnt arrived yet because the guy is running late. I dont understand why they would guillermo jimmy, i think hes on the roof . Jimmy who . Guillermo the guy youre expecting. Jimmy oh, hes on the roof. All right. [ applause ] jimmy oh. Thank you very much. Is this it . [ applause ] jimmy aleck, will you put that in the machine . Thank you very much. Appreciate that. Thats something wrong . Sign . Jimmy oh. All right. Thanks. Appreciate it. All right. Thank you very much. And initial here. Jimmy okay. Usually its just the one time, huh . All right. Thank you, appreciate it. Have an increedable day. Jimmy very nice. All right. Instead of commercials, it is time for the world premier of the movie trailer for assassins creed. At 6 00 p. M. Yesterday evening you were executed and pronounced dead. You no longer exist. What kind of a prison is this . Its not a prison. Youre about to enter the amimus. What youre about to see, hear and feel are the memories of your ancestor whos been dead for 500 years. What do you want from me . Your past. Welcome to the spanish inquisition. I am god, even though im a man of god. My wheel life in the hand of god. Better quit playing with god we work in the dark to serve the light. We are assassins. This film is not yet rated. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy vacations are supposed to be fun. The airport can be terrible, especially the security line. Theyve had enough. They sent a letter to the tsa saying, quote, the patience of the flying public has reached a breaking point and they threatened to replace them with a private Security Force and while you can complain the tsa, thanks to their great work not a single bottle of head and shoulders has made it onto a plane. At this point they empty our water bottles. They say theres a problem. Theyre not taking the problems lightly. They released this in he response. We at the tsa have heard your concerns and understand. We realize that the long lines and extensive security checks have slowed air travel, but these measures are in place to ensure the safety of all travelers. Besides, what are you going to do, walk to hawaii . Good luck with that. Now take off your shoes and shut the [ bleep ] up. The tsa, putting our in your putushy. Jimmy when do you think the last time donald trump had to go through security . Donald trump was on the Oreilly Factor where he addressed the many rumors about who his Vice President might be. The associate press is reporting you have narrowed potential v. P. S to five, all experienced politicians, not ruling out chris christie. Is that an accurate report . Well, i like chris a lot. Im not going to say ruling in or out. I would say i have in mind five different people. I think theyre excellent. Ill announce whoever it will be at the convention. I hope he does it Celebrity Apprentice style where he gets them all in a room and eliminates one every week and then the winner is his wife at the end and nobody knows why. This is a crazy election. Nothing is unbelievable anymore. We decided to do v. P. Vetting on the street. We asked pedestrians if they heard who trump picked as a running meat and what they think. He hasnt picked one, but people weighed in. On tonights trump v. P. Edition of lie witness news. This morning donald trump announced his pick for v. P. What did you think about his controversial decision to tap gary busey, former apprentice cast mate at his v. P. . I think its the biggest joke that ever happened in the entire country in history. Were you shocked . Could you believe it . No. I think they both reached the same amount of insanity, and i think they probably communicate well. Where were you when you saw that Insane Press Conference with busey slapped trump . I was at home watching it on the news with a dropped jaw. Who was watching it with you . Just me and my dog. Cool. This morning donald trump announced that Dennis Rodman would be his v. P. Do you think hell like a good v. P. . In some ways, yes. Not many people have gone to north korea and improved relations. I think what he did specifically with basketball and talking to kim jongun is a big step for america. To you support the trump rodman presidency . Would you vote for tump . Honestly, now that rodman is v involved, its a game changer. What did you think of the trump announcement saying he needs someone to build the wall and around schwartz neger is the one . Did you watch it . I did. Who were you watching it with . My son. Was it cool that he bench pressed a sinder block that theyll build the wall with . It gets people watching tv. Its impressive. Would the fact that donald trump tapped his daughter as the v. P. Affect your intention to vote for him . It wouldnt, and, in fact, i got to tell you, it might encourage me more than if he had chosen a nonpolitical figure that i didnt like. This in my mind, speaking for myself as a private citizen, this cant possibly hurt him and his chances of having me vote for him. Did you think it was sweet he did inauguration is take your daughter to workday . Is that sweet . I like that. I think thats fine. Who were you with when you watched the press conference this morning . My mother. What did she say when she saw Dennis Radman making those . She was surprised, and she knows basketball. She knew who he was. Did you laugh when he took out all his earrings and started giving them out to the ladies in the audience . She was shocked but she also thought it was a nice gesture considering it was the women. That was true. Some of them had diamonds. I didnt notice that, but what did you see . I thought they were gold hoops. Were you surprised gary busey took off his shirt . Not at all. I got in a car accident with gary busey, and he get out and takes off his shirt and yells at people all the time. Did that really happen . It did. Tell me. We were driving, we bumped into a car. Happened to be gary busey. He took off his shirt and yelled at us in words we dont understand exactly. I think he was speaking some kind of alien language. We apologized. No damage was done. We drove away. Was it cute when they revealed the matching tattoos in honor of their candidacy . Sure. It showed some dedication. It doesnt surprise me krk it was trump. Were they real or fake . Im no tattoo expert, but if they were fake, someone will reveal it. Thats all i know. Well, this whole interview is fake. Are you serious . Yes. Its my time to reveal it. Oh, i guess i probably could have figured that out, but [ applause ] jimmy hell figure it out in a couple weeks. Is one of them in the audience . Oh, there he is. [ applause ] is that the mom you watched the announcement with . Yeah. Mom, are you proud of your son . You raised him to tell the truth . [ laughter ] jimmy right. Well, maybe next time youll think a little bit about it right before you no, you wont . Thats good. Its important that we dont learn from our mistakes . Thank you guys very much. We have a good show, jimmy tonight on the show, music from Cole Swindell, riley keough is here, and well be right back with alec baldwin. Daddy doing work,d its funny that ive been in the news for being a dad. Windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. School, grocery shopping. My face can unlock this computer. Thats crazy. Macbooks are not able to do that. Hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon i need that in my world. Anything that makes my life easier, im using. And windows is doing that. Life is a sport. We are the utility. The new ford escape. Jimmy tonight, from the new show on starz called the girlfriend experience riley keough is here. Then later his new album is called you should be here Cole Swindell from the samsung stage. Tomorrow night, Kerry Washington and Shonda Rhimes will be here together. New England Patriot Rob Gronkowski parks his party bus on our lawn, and well have music from goo goo dolls. Did i say google dolls . Although, if you want to google dolls at home, go right ahead. And also tomorrow night, ill be making a major announcement about my future and the future of america. I cant say more than that, but this announcement is very big and i hope you will be there for it. Right guillermo . Guillermo right. Jimmy do you know what it is . Guillermo yes. No, i dont. Jimmy every once in a while the j comes back. I like that. Guillermo yeah. Jimmy with a rich, commanding voice and thick mane of luxuriant hair, it is possible that our first guest was destined to host a game show one day. Starting next month, he brings match game to abc. Please welcome alec baldwin. [ applause ] jimmy good to see you. Hi. Jimmy welcome back, by the way. [ applause ] jimmy i want to put a pin in your bubble, but theyre excited youre here and also that Lance Diamond is with us tonight. [ applause ] very good. Jimmy how you doing . It was a long time since youve been here. Its been so long. I was telling someone, i always mention this, i say have you done kimmel, i say i did it years ago, and the green room of yours was a decadent thing. Everyone was smashed at 6 00 and the lights were low and there were supermodels and boyfriends. And i said are they on the show, and they said no, theyre the friends of jimmys. Jimmy none of those people were friends of mine. Honestly, ive seen you a couple of times since then, not on the show, and each time im embarrassed. As i recall, i vaguely remember just, it went horribly. We were very excited you were on the show. At the time a big guest for us was joe millionaire, and you came on and i was i think i was and you thanked me. I think you said you were surprised i was on the show. Jimmy i think i tried to handcuff you. When i left i was like what was i doing . Why did it do it . Is this a pilot . Jimmy i dont know why you came back. Things are going well for you. Jimmy yes, and for you as well. And we both have little kids. Jimmy big and little kids. My daughter ireland is 20 and my wife and i have my daughter carmen who is 2 1 2 and my son rafael, and im having another son in september. Jimmy wow, congratulations. You really went for it. I have a bigger spread for you. I have a 24yearold, a 22yearold, and a less than 2yearold myself. Is this why youre doing the game show, to get out of the house . [ laughter ] no, no. They came to me and said would you do this because theyve got steve harvey and strahan and i are going to do this wheel of these game shows this summer, and they told me they would give me this money for my charity. We decided to do it. Also because we want to have it. As you remember, im a bit older, but when i would watch the game shows when i was young, very much like your green room when i was year, [ bleep ] faced. Jimmy will he be drunk . Whatever it takes to get the lift. Jimmy have you identified match game, in case people dont remember, and i loved it. I watched it with my grandmother on a tv in the kitchen every single day. Jean ray burn was the host. The show was kind of fill in the blank. Yeah. Jimmy and it was always dirty stuff that people would put in the blank. As far as they could go on daytime television, but they sometimes kind of went farther than other shows. I dont think they went as far as your show goes. Jimmy no. Your show is the filthiest show on television. Jimmy thank you. In a good way. Jimmy who are the celebrities . Do you know . Im assuming its to some degree a bunch of abc stars because its on abc. Jimmy will they rely on you to call your friends [ coughing ] jimmy if you looked to somebody who is plp b[ bleep ] , you came to the right place. Will you call somebody . I called my buddies from snl and well get some of them and some of the ladies in there. But i dont want to say but theres three or four people they told my i contacted them to say and theyll do it, but i was stunned. Jimmy who . I cant say. Nice try, though. Youve gotten so much better. Jimmy thats what they say. So its a secret . They want me to keep it a secret. Jimmy it better be good. It better not be jimmy it better not be paris hilton. Is it . Now that will be terrible . Which one of the hiltons . Theyre each doing a separate night. We have some cool people. Its going to be great. Have i shrunk since i was last year . Jimmy no, were trying to make the chairs taller to rue mailuate our guests. Are you not sitting in the chair properly. I feel weird. [ laughter ] were going to have a lot of really cool people come on, and you do those shows. The goal is to have fun. When you notice the show back then, a lot of those actors, as you may recall, people were like broadway veterans. They were all supporting and comic and theater and film stars. This was like the middle years of their career. What else did they have to do than to get plp b[ bleep ] face do this talk show . Jimmy will there be any of the original stars on the incarnation of this match game on abc . I would imagine that would be difficult. I dont know if theyre still around. Jimmy even better, dead celebrities on the match game. [ applause ] jimmy that would be we thought about that. I thought about different themes. Im going to go meet them tomorrow, and im already pitching them, you won and emmy far game show. Jimmy win ben stains money. Im chasing you and always the kids, the game show emmy. Jimmy are the kids with you right now . Your family is here. Jimmy do you have to take them to the theme parks when you come . We took our daughter to disney land for the first time. Jimmy how was that . She looted the store with the dresses. Her mother took her into the princess dress shop and she got several dresses for her. Jimmy which are the main ones . I would say cinderella, obviously, is a big one. Cinderella is here. Thank you, cinderella. Cinderellas sister. Screaming cinderella. And then from frozen, the princess sophia. But we were there. We met the women who play the princesses. The girl who plays snow white, she has the voice for it. Shes like hello, nice to meet you carmen with a girlish voice. We met another one that was like how are you doing carmen, like he was in the alleyway. Jimmy the match game. Did you ask tracy morgan to be on the match game . He has to be on the match game. Im reaching out to him. Tracy is somebody you hear from about two weeks after you call him. Its a message in a bottle basically. Jimmy you find that . He calls me right back.