Also take the form of a stag, a beautiful young maiden or even cubs g. M. Jed hoyer. So tune in tuesday night and see if azmalor delivers on his promise that, yes, you will have your golden rings, trinkets all, but at a price you cannot fathom. Haha, haha go, cubs, go, and all hail azmalor show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks and adam conover featuring jon batiste and stay human and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen grand slam cheers and applause . . . Hey welcome to the late show everybody. So glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And ive got to say, i am in a fantastic mood, because the chicago cubs are goi t world series, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause thats right. The world cup of baseball and the cubs, the cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. Now, the two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels. laughter and applause piano riff cubs were in the world series was in 1945, way back when they played hitler. laughter yeah. Yeah. Yeah. cheers and applause hes pretty good in the early game, then he popped out in the ninth inning, and thats how america won world war ii. Yeah. Thats the truth. You wont find that in a history book, though. Jon thats right, no. Stephen cleveland, on the other hand, hasnt won a world series since 1948, back when their mascot, chief wahoo, was the leastracist thing about laughter golden age. Speaking of singleminded, centurylong quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clintons in the news. laughter its been a long time coming. cheers shes been very patient. Shes been very patient. piano riff cheers and applause as a native chicagoan, shes a reacting to the cubs went viral over the weekend. She has not been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons. laughter its really a feelgood story a chicagoan excited about the cubs win . Is what Hillary Clinton wants you to believe laughter because back in 2000, she wore a yankees cap yeah audience booing yeah, its a baseball fandom scandal im calling, yankghazi . . . Yeah. And this time i was afraid the graphic wasnt coming up. laughter and this time, im not alone, folks, because the media has been digging into this very important story. In fact, cnn is reporting that even though clinton may have gone to cubs games with her father as a kid, but after time she ran for senate in new york, the former first lady touted her love for the new york yankees. Oh, how convenient. As a tenyearold she wears a cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, shes in a yankees hat. laughter i mean, is there no hat she wont wear . Okay, theres one hat. Okay, theres one hat. Okay, theres one. cheers and applause jon thats one she wont put on. Stephen i say we keep a close eye on her during the world series. We know she wont be rooting for the yankees because they already lost. At this point, thats like voting for donald trump. cheering but no matter cheers and applause but no matter what happens to the cubs, Hillary Clinton is already the winner, because shes decided to stop talking about donald trump, explaining, i debated him for four and a half hours. I dont even think about yes, hillary says shes not giving any thought to what donald trump says. So that makes both of them now. laughter applause trump clearly feeds on attention, so this might work. By denying it to him, we can starve him out. So i pledge, i pledge right now, i will spend thees monologue not talking about donald trump. Okay . cheers and applause here we go, here we go. So, magnificent fall weather this weekend. Jon yes, thats right. Stephen beautiful. The leaves are changing color. There is a maple tree in my front yard that turned bright orange, that nope, okay. No, you can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Lets see halloween is coming everyones looking for a Jack Olantern damn it. laughter okay, dont give up, dont give up. Okay, never mind. bleep donald trump applause he gave this weekend, he gave a speech in gettysburg, the actual battlefield where the union turned the tide against the confederacy. I guess trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt our co now trump, trump started strong, with all the gravity of this sacred ground. President lincoln served in a time of Division Like we have never seen before. It is my hope that we can look at his example to heal the divisions we are living through right now. We are a very divided nation. Stephen its true. Because the elections rigged, and those who think hell lose because it is not. cheers and applause and and to his credit, donald trump stayed focused on his message of uniting the country, for about 45 seconds. And then this every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. Total fabrication. All of these liars will be sued after the election is over. Stephen yes, he will take all of these women to court, but at least when hes swearing in, theyll know where his hands are. cheers and applause and trump continued to unite this nation by making us choose sides. Media is also part, and a major part, of this corruption. They lie and fabricate stories to make a candidate that is not their preferred choice look as bad and even dangerous as possible. Stephen its true, the media is making trump look bad. For instance, they reported this speech. cheers and applause of course it took a second. Got to let it sink in. Got to let it sink in. And, of course, he also played his greatest hits, putting a new spin on this campaign classic. Remember, i said mexico is paying for the wall, with the full understanding that the country of mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such a wall. Okay . Stephen what . laughter you clearly said mexico would pay for the wall paying for something is very different than reimbursing. You cant take a date out for dinner, make her pay, and then say, just send me an invoice. laughter or maybe you can. I cant believe cheers and applause i cant believe that he would go to gettysburg and give a speech that was so far from the spirit of the gettyburg address. It is it is just ridiculous well, thats not true, stephen. Stephen ghost of abraham lincoln, everybody cheers and applause hello hello, everyone stephen thank you for being here, mr. Ghost lincoln my pleasure, stephen. Good to see you. Stephen always good to see you, sir. Abe, were you shocked by trumps speech at gettysburg . No, it reminded me of my address. Stephen sir, they were nothing alike. Thats because no one ever my advisors made me tone it down. Would you like to hear some of it . Stephen of course would you like to hear it, ladies and gentlemen . cheers and applause okay, well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, the rough draft of the gettysburg address. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that i did not proposition those women. Theyre liars i mean, just look at them. Choice. And when i said, grab them by the petticoat, that was merely log cabin talk i will sue those lying jezebels into the ground the consecrated ground in which our brave soldiers now lie. Sad thats why we resolve that this nation, under god, shall make America Great again, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Otherwise, the whole civil war is rigged. Jefferson davis is a bad hombre lock him up lock him up lock him up stephen ghost abraham lincoln, everybody cheers and applause thank you so much, sir, thank you so much for being here stick around weve got a great show for you tonight tom hanks is here oh, hes good stephen and when we return hes going to reprise the role that made him famous. Well be right back . . . cheers and applause the first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohls black friday. Stores open thursday at 6pm with incredible black friday doorbusters. Get the playstation 4 or a 49 inch 4k hd tv for just 249. 99. Get 4. 99 after rebate kitchen electrics. The fitbit alta is 99. 99 only once a year everyone gets 15 kohls cash for every 50 spent. The first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohls black friday. Dont miss it . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. . . Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . . . . . campbells tomato soup and grilled cheese. more popping go together like being late and being grounded. Come on, where is it . Where is that . cheers and applause i dont get it. That old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. What about cheers and applause zoltar. Zoltar ive finally found you again well, come on. Zoltar . Zoltar yes, yes oh, jeez stephen yes the allknowing zoltar remembers you well i want to say. Tim something . laughter tom. Tom, tom hanks. Stephen yes. We worked on that movie together. No, it was big stephen right. cheers and applause right. Wait, whos in the santa clause . Well, that is tim allen. Stephen youre not him . No stephen okay. Okay, no need to yell at zoltar. What can the allknowing one do for you . Well, zoltar, last time we wanted to be older. So you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30yearold man. And i need you to do that again, please. laughter stephen your wish is to be 17 years older . No no, no, no no. I want you to turn me 30years old again stephen but dont you remember the heartwarming lesson you learned last time . Always what its cracked up to be. laughter a lesson im constantly learning, every day at my age cheers and applause just yesterday, i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and do a dance i swear i heard my hip snap. So, come on, come on, make me 30 again, make me 30 stephen okay, whats in it for zoltar . Oh, yeah, right. Lets see, i think ive got some change. There you go, 25 cents. Stephen seriously, a quarter . Zoltar requires your eternal soul. I cant do that. Stephen why not . I sold it to raise money for that thing you do. Stephen oh, really . Underrated film. Thank you, thank you. Thats amazing. I cast her, you know. I saw something in her. Stephen oh, yes, absolutely. Amazing. Tim allen is great in that. Oh, no, hes not im in that. Stephen i thought you were the guy from toy story . I am. Tims in toy story, too. Stephen toy story 2 . I thought you were both in all three of them. laughter we are. Stephen you see why zoltars confused, right . Whos on first stephen look whos on first . Okay, never mind. Stephen look, look, look classic comedy, im just saying. Stephen whos the eternal one here . All right, sorry. Stephen look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. Sure, anything. Stephen will you read my screenplay . laughter oh, you have a screenplay . Whats it about . Stephen its about a carnival fortunetelling machine kind of an everyman. After he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up well, i kind of feel like ive seen that one before. And sorry, but im not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. Stephen you fool youre way too old to play me. I was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. Really . There you go. Stephen i i cant find the slot. Sorry. Boing. All right, fine. Fine, ill take it. Fine, okay. cheers and applause me 30 again . Stephen your wish is granted. You shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. Awesome all right, now, that means tonight is my last chance to see inferno with a senior discount bye, zoltar stephen bye tim well be right back with tom hanks oh, hes good . . . If you could see your cough, its just a cough. Sfx woman coughing youd see how often you cough all day. And so would everyone else. Robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. Robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because its never just a cough. Sfx plastic scraping plastic sfx utensils against a plate about future grandchildren. When families gather things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember hurry in to lowes today for great black friday deals lt cordless combo kit for only 149. Plus get up to 50 off kobalt mechanics tool sets. Make your home happy with huge deals right now at lowes. Hey whats up, im hannibal, im about to use samsung pay to checkout at the grocery store. How you doing, boss . Im good, how are you . Alright alright. You got a rewards card with us . scan beep got it right here on my phone. I dont think thats gonna work. It worked. scan beep oh. Be paying with my phone, too. Alright. Yep. Thats a lot of juice. I didnt come here for judgement. Ha. Ugghhh. Can we cut . Turn your phone into your wallet with samsung pay. Unstop right there because this scent lasts up to 12 weeks, which is longer than any relationship ive ever been in. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody jon batiste and stay human give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause well, folks, my first guest tonight is an oscarwinner, but more importantly, hes tom hanks. Please welcome tom hanks cheers and applause can i borrow your pen . Stephen working on a new project over there . Yeah, just working on this thing a little bit. This aint gonna work, that aint gonna work. laughs just changing this. And, just if you dont mind, i know this might affect the hawaii beach. laughter you know, thats not a bad start. Funny jokes, callbacks. By the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings they, they played for like stephen yeah. You had to play for about 20 minutes there. cheers and applause you had a drum solo, and stephen well, tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned, theres no crying in baseball. Ah, okay. Stephen okay . Yeah, thats true. Theres going to be. Theres going to be. Stephen world series, world series. Theres some cheering right now, both towns okay, now, listen, you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and threelegged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. cheers but you do not do three long, hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching the Cleveland Indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland it wasnt like petco park or the Dunkin Donuts field, or something. Cleveland municipal lakefront stadium. Holds 90,000 people. I would be there on a given night with 4,800 laughter watching sudden, sid monge, andre thunder thornton, 21 mike the human rain delay hargrove. So im going to tell you right now, yeah, cubs, great. Im rooting for the Cleveland Indians to win the world series. cheers and applause im sorry. Stephen fair enough. Im sorry. Stephen fair enough. Im sorry. Now, listen north side boy, you little denizen of wrigleyville i get your stephen i actually lived on addison. I actually lived two blocks away. Oh, right there sheffield, waveland, Addison Stephen spent my 30th birthday there. Oh, shut up. Who cares . laughter look, i want i want the tribe to win, but heres what i will accept, all right . Way deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. Larry doby, the ghost of larry doby is on deck. The ghost of Rocky Colavito is in the batters box. Who do you want to pitch for your cubs . Give me a name. Whos your great relief pitcher . Stephen ah, i dont know, who is the greatest relief pitcher for the cubs . Oh, arent you a fan. Stephen what . Who . Audience chapman. Stephen chapman. Okay, chapman is there. Like he knew. laughter stephen come on, first base is mark grace, third base is ronno, outfield is john dustin. All right, all right, fine stephen dont give me that this is what i want low hanging curve of the score is tied, by the way, all right . Stephen whatwhat, 2020 . Okay, exactly, its 2020, going, its been a great game, by the way. It has lasted six and a half hours. In to Rocky Colavito, long, long fly to left center. It might be. Is it going to go out . Whos circling under the wall and might catch it . Stephen the ghost of shawon dunston, but hes not dead. All right, excellent, fine. Stephen but hes not dead all right, some legendary cub is out there, thinking is it going to go in, is it going to go out . Is it going to go in . Whos going to win the game . Armageddon. Four horsemen of the apocalypse, earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end because he cant quite root for whichever team. I will accept that ending to the world series, short of a Cleveland Indians victory. Stephen nothing short of that. And by the way, stick your pins in me now, send me the hate mail, go on twitter, i know, im rooting against the cubs. Stephen and you actually probably get mail, as opposed to email. I do, yes. Ill get mail. Stephen i dont mean that as an insult. I dont mean that as an insult. Ill get mail. Stephen and you also, do you know, some say thats the greatest tom hanks movie of all time, youve got mail. Ryan. Stephen i was sick one day, and i watched it three times in a row. And you cried like a baby. Stephen i cried like a baby the entire time. I think i was hallucinating. Its all right, shop girl, i love you, shop girl. Stephen now but you take a typewriter. I have been known to take a typewriter to the baseball game. Stephen why do you take a typewriter . Its kind of like scoring the game. You have a little narrative that goes on. Stephen do you have a stogie, and a hat that says press, with the little card . I sit up on a little thing. Little stool. The best t these are dodgers games and we can go, and i like baseball. I love a good long pastoral afternoon. But the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you write on the scorecard, k k means strike out. So its a big fat capital k laughter period, period, period. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Shifteight, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe because that makes an exclamation mark, you see close parentheses. So thats what i i think whoever it is, walking back yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didnt get it, i struck out. I think they hear me typing that up in my little box sit down clack, clack, clack, clack backspace, backspace, backspace stephen this might be the angriest ive ever seen tom hanks. Well, you know. Stephen nicely done. Well, it keeps you in the game. Stephen absolutely. Angers good for the blood. Well, you know, after six and a half beers by the third inning, you get worked up. Stephen now you recently turned 60 years old. 60 years old, yes. Stephen okay cheers and applause stephen really . Heres how you stephen did 60 not hit you hard . Well, no, no, because its