Space itself, from the universe. And when you do that, all earths problems dissolve away into the infinitude of the space time continuum. Stephen yeah. laughter . Does that make you feel any better . No. laughter why dont we just chuck the telescope . Stephen lets do it. cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes miles teller, Neil Degrasse tyson. And triumph the insult comic dog featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause . . . Stephen hey, everybody, thank you so much Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen. Stephen thanks, everybody. cheers and applause thanks, everybody. Thanks so much. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. I think. laughter im not sure what to believe about anything anymore. Let me ask you hows everybody doing right now . How you feeling . cheers and applause all right, all right. Im glad. You know what . laughter because, you know, i i am so glad to be with you tonight. I wouldnt want to be alone right now, you know. And if youll be there, im not going anywhere. All right. cheers and applause whats it, four years . Four years . Weve got four very interesting years in front of us. laughter but i dont know about you all, i did not get a lot of sleep last night. Did you sleep at all, jon. Jon hours. Stephen three and a half hours, and those are jazz hours. Walking around the streets of new york today, a lot of people a little. You know, you could see it in their eyes. Theres no way around it thi this. This is what it feels like when americas made great again. laughter applause i was wondering. And i was really hoping it would sucks. cheers and applause and i dont know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight because right now, tonight, thousand of people have taken to the streets in protests in cities all over america. cheers and applause as a matter of fact, in this neighborhood actually, times square and Columbus Group went right by the theater. Jim, do we have yeah, we shot it outside, right outside of our office window. Theres the theres the colbert sign right there. So im just saying, the unity thing might take a schooch longer than trump was hoping for. I just want to say, freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, First Amendment its most important things we can do together. cheers and applause dont stop speaking your mind. Dont ever be cowed by whatever happens in the next four years. But do keep in mind that for eight years a lot of people wouldnt accept barack obama was president of the United States. For instance, donald trump. laughter but, like it or not, for the record, not. We have to accept donald trump will be the 45th president of the United States booing listen, i get that feeling completely. I just had to say it one more time. I want to just keep saying it so i can say it without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. Or feeling. cheers and applause theres actually theres actually i dont even you feel like its like a little bit of a dream state. All day loang i had to remind myself, oh, yeah, this is not a dream. I am not on a bad peyote trip on this is real. Whatever the g. O. P. Is saying publicly today, i have a feeling they might be feeling the same way. Because, remember, the Republican Party spent almost the entirety of this election in panic trying to stop donald trump from being their nominee, and when they could not, surprise they won the presidency, both houses of congress, and soon, a new seat on the supreme court. Its like the g. O. P. Got caught in a plunging elevator, and ey all fell screaming ten stories down and landed gently and have the doors open on a candy store where everything is free. I for me i can gobble up all your rights. Please, please, please. Please, no more reproductive rights. In this metaphor, donald trump is willy wonka who has been genetically crossbred with an oompaloompa. Now, one of the things, i had it this a little bit but i didnt spend he much time at home a lot of people are struggling this morning with, besides doing laundry of just their pant for some reason how to explain trumps victory to their kids, you how do we tell them . Well, i think this is one rare instance where we should look to the president elects example last night. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely. Stephen so just follow his lead, and lie. Going to be good, maybe, you know. Maybe hell be different from how he was and always is. laughter or can we tell the story . You okay with it . Do what my show runner chris did. This is my show runner chris, everybody. cheers and applause chris, you told this story this morning. Do you mind telling the story . Sure. Stephen okay, so this morning you came in and you said that one of your sons woke you up this morning and what he did said donald trump won last night. And i said, thats actually what happened. And he burst into tears. Difficult change is difficult. Stephen this is the magic part. I said, dont worry, son. Being president is not that big of a job. Stephen okay . Father of the year, right there. cheers and applause just tell them anything. Tell them the new president is elsa from frozen. Its the only way to get them to . Let it go. I dont know what you should tell them. Tell them what you always tell kids, be kind, dont be selfish, dont grab them where they dont want to be grabbed, and theyll make the world a better place than donald trump can. You know . cheers and i dont think kids really should have to care about who the president is. They should care about coloring books and legos, and whether eating pop rocks and coke will make your stomach explode. whispering it totally will, by the way. And if your child asks the ultimate question, why do bad things happen to good people . You finally have the answer the electoral college. And if all else fails, i saw some footage last night of this kid, who was captured on camera at a congressional victory party. Here he is, grandma is dancing in the background while he eyes that glass of wine. And welcome to the Trump Administration yes, yes theres a message of hope. Clinton lost last night, but, by god, somewhere in america, a little boy learned to pound merlot like kathie lee gifford. cheers and applause do we have any . We dont have any. I had a couple of cocktails last night, and i gotta tell you, really helped, you know. You know whos taking this strangely well . Hillary clinton. Even though the possible first female president lost to a crotchgrabbing beauty pageant owner, listen to what she said donald trump is going to be our president. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. Stephen how are you already accepting this . Did you pay extra for the fast pass through the five stages of grief . laughter you know acceptance is last, right . Acceptance is the last one. cheers and applause you got the card. I think shes got the card upside down. Theyre shuffled up. You gotta go through every stage. Remember denial, anger and bargaining because that was Trumps Campaign strategy. Then youve got depression, then acceptance. Then dramatic haircut and rebound boyfriend. But i cant blame her. Everybody processes grief differently. I heard Elizabeth Warren got a neck tattoo. Personally, ive made it all the way to depression. Or, as a great president once tweeted sad. laughter that hurt. That hurt to say. My heart my heart actually hurt to say that. Now, a lot of folks are very casually throwing around the idea of moving to canada, you be. Plawz plawz. I know, canada, the language of france with the culture of minnesota. Beautiful country, beautiful country, youre welcome. But dont reach for your passport yet, because last night, as the election returns were coming in, the canadian immigration website crashed. Dont know why a lot of websites went down last night. Apocalypsebunkers. Net, stresseatersanonymous. Org, and klanklothing. Biz yes, we klan theyre doing a brisk business. Theyve got free healthcare and a Prime Minister who looks like the prince from tangled. cheers and applause but listen up. Everybody up there, every american who is thinking im going to canada. You dont get to flee to another country when things get rough here. Being an american citizen is like family youre in it whether you like it or not. cheers and applause i mean, for petes sake, at thanksgiving, when uncle ernie hits the highballs and starts saying racist things about the help, you dont storm off from the table and move in with your nextdoor neighbor. You stay and elect him commander in chief thats america laughter you know when im feeling shaky sometimes ive been doing this all day. I did it last night when the returns were coming in. This is what i like to do, when i think you guys might be a little shaky. I like to put these on. laughter and before, seconds ago i was sad. Now, im a sexy kitty. cheers and applause okay . I know this truth, i know this truth trump may be president , but im still a sexy kitty. cheers and applause . . . Dont dont go far with those, mark. I might need them later. laughter now, one of the most shocking things about trumps election is that it is shocking. Every pollster just shanked this one right into the woods. I mean, we might as well just ask a magic goat whos going to that wont help, either, because they tried that in scotland, and it picked hillary clinton. Thanks for nothing, magic goat thats why you guys are the donkeys of sheep. laughter but but there are some polling traditions that are better than the socalled scientific polls this year. Like this fish in india who chose to eat food off a picture of trump over a picture of clinton. It makes evidently, like a gold fish, trump voters memories dont go back more than seven seconds. cheers and applause its not as sexy without but most accurate of all is the the ways to prognosticate is the well, guess what . This years trump mask outsold clintons. And i believe halloween masks can predict trumps cabinet, too. Get ready for attorney general guy from scream. I gotta say i gotta say guilianis looking good there. cheers and applause hes happy. Thats the happiest thats the happiest ive ever seen and, you know, im a man of some faith, and when bad things like this happen and this does feel bad i have to ask, how could god let this happen . Let what happen, stephen . angelic choir stephen god . Thats my name. Dont wear it out. What are you guys talking about . Stephen god, were trying to figure out what happened with the election last night. Youre welcome, america. Stephen god, god, wait, what are you talking about . Werent you watching the election . No, i was bingewatching narcos on netflix. How much did hillary win by . Stephen lord, im sorry, but clinton lost. What the hell . that scottish goat said she had it in the bag laughter stephen i know i know the fish was right all the pollsters were wrong hold on. Let me google it. Than trump. Stephen yeah, well, thats the popular vote. She lost the electoral college. That again . Im omniscient, and i dont even know how the hell that works. Stephen nobody does. Anyway, lord, trump won. I guess i shouldnt be surprised that white men came out on top again, considering how everyone assumes i look. Stephen good point. Stephen, i feel terrible about this whole thing. Let me make it up to you. Good . Stephen no, thanks. Thats very kind, but i think were all good. Can you at least tell us what what we should do . Stephen, if youre really unhappy, i could just hit the reset button on humanity. You know, maybe send a flood or a plague of locusts. Oh, ive been working on a new one where your heads melt like that nazi in raiders of the lost ark. Stephen thank you, no. What, what . You drip like a candle. Its really cool. No, at this point, we just have to trump to be our president. Hey dont pin this on me my wife will kill me stephen god, everybody god thanks everybody. cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Dont go anywhere. 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Well literally die of hunger b freaky fast 1 bingo . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to yet another live late show here from the ed sullivan theater in beautiful new york city. You know my first guest from the films whiplash and war dogs. Now he plays professional boxer vinny paz in the upcoming film bleed for this. Please welcome miles teller. . . . Nice. Very nice. Sounding good. Stephen does sound good. Stephen, i heard you singing backstage in my dressing room. I said, who is that . You have the voice of an angel. Stephen youre very sweet. Youre very good. Do you sing on the show very often or is that a hidden talent. Stephen sometimes. When jon stewart stops by. He has an amazing voice. Stephen i was sing ising Jackson Browns it sounded great. Stephen its a good song for today. Look it up. Can we talk about last night for a second . Yes. Stephen because youre one of these fancy movie stars and you were at bobby de niros Election Night party . Yeah, i was. Stephen was that fun . It was because he hes very fun when hes angry. Was he it was um you know, it started off, you know, at a at went on, everybody in that room obviously was going for hillary. The best part about the whole thing for me was meeting paul mccartney. Stephen wow so that was that was applause clap is up for paul hes the dude, hes the man. Stephen did he tell you any stories . Did he tell you any stories like, you know, when the ladz and i were, you know, you know, back in the star club in hamburg, stuff like that . Yeah, kind of kind of along those lines. Yeah, im a huge beatl i actually did get to he was on his way out, but i did get a few questions in. My girlfriend snuck a photo in. Happened. Its proof. I have the photo, stephen, do you know what im saying. Stephen you can tell your grandchildren. It erased in the clouds. I miss pictures. Beautiful stage, by the way, too, its my first time here. Just the whole thing is unbelievable. Stephen its gorgeous. You got god. Stephen we do have god. Popping in and out, as one does. Stephen hes on the staff. Hes on the staff here. laughter youve got now lets move on from something lets leave the election and go on to something happier, you being repeatedly punched in the face. Another great, great. Stephen you are playing the boxer vinny paz. Yeah. Stephen in the new movie bleed for this. Its a truistic right . Its a true story. I think its a movie its coming out november 18. If you want to election politics stuff and you just want to watch two people beat each other up, and watch an incredible comeback, which is really vinny in israel life he was a twotime world champion, and got in a car accident and broke his neck. And they said, you might never walk again. Youll never box again. You can do spinal fusion or get the halo put in your head. They said, spinal fusion you will guaranteed be able to walk. And went did the spinal fusion and five days later, he was bench pressing. For the six months he was injured, worked out the entire time, risked pra paralysis, and coming back and wins the world title. What, nobody wants to spar with me . Hey. Ill spar with you. Yeah . Good. Youre doing a good thing. Come on what are you doing . Hit me. I cant hit you, man. Were not dancing you okay . Yeah, im good. Stephen did you actually get did you actually get punched in the face a bunch . You accidentally get punched in the face. People are on payroll to make sure you dont. Stephen he boxes for fun help he said he enjoys it. I saw that bit. Yeah, he does. I dont know. Stephen is he okay . Yeah, aarons cool. Yeah hes a really nice guy. Very nice. Stephen but somethings a little off. Stephen really . You know what im saying . I dont know. Stephen ill show you something thats a little bit off. You trained for this part and got in shape, and heres whats off right here. Everythings off right there. cheers and applause thats it. Yeah, yeah. Stephen how long did that take . Which part . laughter stephen lets say, lets say the waxing. How long did that take . How long did it take to get in shape like this . I had to lose muscle to look like that. I walk around jacked, man, huge. Stephen damn. Well, my muscles are relaxing because im enjoying myself. But when i have to perform im full on. Stephen did you have to lose body fat. Whats your body fat . Whats your percentable here . I got down to 6 . Stephen what yeah, what . Stephen they say fromy 5 to 8 is the oscar zone. Oh, yeah gr the academy is going to come in with calipers. Whats y um, just outside of oscar. laughter stephen you dont know . Im hunkering around golden globe body fat. Stephen good, good. Good luck. Thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it. Stephen bleed for this opens nationwide friday november 18. Miles teller, 6 body fat. An adventurer. The one shes been eyeing all year. . . Happiness is . . Happiness is . . Different things to different people . . 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