Maybe its because im in journalism, but i think there might be a story here. Simon, kitchen. You cant reveal any of this in the press. But an expose on emmet would be huge. I can see the headline now, emmet lawson is not really dead because he faked his own death. Dont worry, somomne else writes the headline. Yeah, but you cant do that to victoria. Or me or us, right . No, of course. I get it. Ay, then, thank you. Okay. Mwah. Simon promised he wont do the story. Oh, thank god. [camera shutter clicks] [doorbell rings] oh, no its mike. The little spoon. I forgot we were going out tonight. Go hide, y yre dead. Thats him . Pretty big for a little spoon. But i have a brilliant plan. Toninit, im gonna beat hihi to the little e oon position. Shall we spoon . Sure. [sighs] hey, where are ya . My backs getting cold. [sighs] be right there. Unbelievabab. Halle berry looks good in every photo. Ooh, heres one. Her legs look pale and pasty, and i see some cellulite and its me. Wait, why do you have a picture of victoria . And its date stamped today. Simon, you promised sorry, its a reflex action. See a celebrity misbsbaving, i snap a photo. But victoria is our friend. Well, i could keep victoria out of it. Emmet is the real story. But that would hurt victoria too. Well, all ofy photos hurt somebody. Well, if its made you so cus, maybe you shouldnt do that job says the woman who just spent ten minutes trying to find a trace of cellulite on halle berrys ass thats different. And dont ask why, it just is. Simon, you said yourself you were sick of hiding in trees and dumpsters and taking pictures of celebrities pumping gas. Why do people want celebrities to be just like us . It makes no sense joy, one photo of emmet lawson alive would be worth millions. I could get out of the game and still pay for our grandsons education. I wouldnt let that monenego to wilbur. Simon, if you do this, were through. What, youre threatening me now . You cant tell me how to run my business. Maybe not, but i can tell you to get out of my bed oh, fine so what are you gonna do . I dont know. But if were gonna stay together, you gotta learn that im the one that wears the pants in this relationship. Those are my pants. So once again, last night, i was the big spoon. Im just gonna have to tell him straight to his face. Make a nice change from talking to his neck. Has simon called . No, why, whats up . We had a fight. He wants to break the story about you and emmet. What . Youve got to stop h h. I hope i did. I told him if he went ahead with it, hed never see me again. Couldnt you have come up with a better threat . Listen, what are we gonna do . I cant do anything. Everything is in motion. Ive got a plane to catch. If simon does this, then emmet and i are just gonna have to stay one step ahead of him. I cant believe youre leaving. Im gonna miss you so much. Me too. Youre my best friends, and i love you. I cant imagine what its gonna be like living here without you. I know. But still, i know, its hard to say goodbye. Youre making it easier. Im billy, and i quit smoking with chantix. I had a lot of doubts going in. I was a smoker. Hands down, it was, thats who i was. After one week of chantix, i knew i could quit. Along with support, Chantix Varenicline is proven to help people quit smoking. Chantix definitely helped reduce my urge to smoke. Some people had changes in behavior, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, depressed mood and s scidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping chantix. Some had seizures while taking chantix. If you have any of these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away. Tell your doctor about any history of Mental Health problems, which could get worse or of seizures. Dont take chantix if youve had a serious allergic or skin reaction to it. If you have these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away as some can be lifethreatening. Tell your doctor if you ha heart or develop new or worse symptoms. Get medical help right away if you have symptoms of a heart attack or stroke. Decrease alcohol use while taking chantix. Use caution when driving or operating machinery. Most common sideaffect is naea. Life as a nonnoker is a whole lot of fun. I directed victoria in 27 lifetime original movies, and alththgh she never learned my name, i was proud to call her my friend. Thank you. Sadly, victorias daughter emmy could not join us today, but she sends these words. My mother was an angel and an inspiration to me. We re blessed to have had such a bright, brilliant flame in our lives. I will be heartbroken without her. [cries] its especially sad when theyre taken so young. She lived a full life. True, but still, she died young. Well she was young. Ram sterling, from edge of tomorrow. [applause] victoria c cse was a miracle worker. We did a scene on edge where she first shot me, then made love to me before leaving me to die in an abandoned diamond mine. When i read it, i thought, no way. But vic acted it real, and it sang. It was a gift to play her brother all those years. Now, some of you may know that i am a amateur painter. And in the final season of edge of tomorrow, victoria graciously posed for a nude portrait on the condition that i would not show it until after her death. Oh, dear god. Simon befofo you say anything, i deleted the photo, and im not gonna do the story on emmet. But not because my girlfriend told me to. I decided on my own. Still, this girlfriend must be Pretty Amazing for yoyoto do that. She is. Well, then you better not tell her that im about to kiss you. Thank you,am, for that, uh, wonderfully graphic tribute. Anannow, victorias dear friend elka ostrovsky would like to say a few words. Victoria chase may have been vain, bubbleheaded, and crazy. But . Theres no but. Victoria was more than a friend to me. She was a sister. Loyal and generous and wiser than she ever got credit for. Ill miss you u rever, my darlili. You are leaving a hole in our lives that can never be filled. May i say something, please . [applause] lucci. Thank you so much. And thank you, victoria, for so many, many, many years of work. Rising before dawn to put on all that makeup. In a brave but futililattempt to hididthe ravages of time. And now, picturing her in a coffin reminds me of those performances. Stiff and lifeless, held together with chemicals and glue. Something best buried and forgotten. Oh, victoria. And ive kept that promise. Thank you. [applause] [all gasping] what . We all know i deserved to win that year. Cant believe victoria is really gone. I cant believe i miss her. Im worried about her. I mean, it gets down to 20 below in kafiristan. This is a woman who doesnt own ananhing with sleeves. [sighs] hello, everyone. Victoria, youre here oh, honey, you didnt go no, i just i couldnt do it. Oh. Of course, i had to go and just take a peek at my own funeral, but oh, look, i it just convinced me that i had too many reasons to stay. Everyone else in my life. But what am i gonna do now . I mean, the whole world thinks that i threw myself off a bridge. [sighs] actually, nobody thinks that. What . We never reported your fake death. No, but lanie was on the phone with i was never on the phone with the press. And that Memorial Service was staged. It was a fake fake funeral. Victoria, we know you. A room full of people singing your praises we kneww you couldnt pass that up. And once you realized what youd be giving up, we hoped youd come to your senses. Oh, my god. So none of those nice things people were saying were true. No, honey, they were true. We told them that it was part of a new reality show called celebrity funerals, which we would film now and air immediately after you do die. Well, were really glad you stayed, and im sure emmet will understand. Oh, but it breaks my heart. As happy as i am that emmet is alive, im never gonna see him again. Oh, come on, you dont know that. But no matter wh happens, we wl help you through it. Well, im counting on that. [sighs] okay. Goodbye, emmet. Until we meet again. [sighs] i think the reception for this product is overwhelmingly positive. ` this toothpaste, sensodyne repair protect can actually repair and protect sensitive teeth. And as long as they brush twice a day, everyday, then they can expect to continually have protection against sensitivity. Sensodyne repair and protect has Clinical Evidence showing how effective it works. I know that dentist recommend sensodyne repair protect. Your babys chubby little hand latches onto your finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno. Naturally beautiful babies. Hey sweetie, its time. Eye of the tiger tv anncr good afternoon everyone. Tv anncr its the perfect day for a game of football. Morning rituals are special. When you share what you love. With who you love. Kelloggs frosted flakes. Theyre grrreat now. You can win a Microsoft Surface 3. When y y buy any speciallymarkededelloggs product. Why didnt you say anything . I didnt want to hurt your feelings. Look, ive never spooned e other way before, but what the hell . A guy can change, right . Okay. Hows this for you . I love it. I have got the e ggest thankyou planned for what you did today. Well, before you thank my brains out, which im very much looking forward to, i want to talk to you about something. Victorias funeral got me thinking about what i want to do before i die. I want you to look at me and see a good guy, of Gwyneth Paltrow in an unflattering bathing suit. Dodo that exist . Yes, but thats not important. Whats important is, youve inspired me to make a change. I quit my job. You did . What are you gonna do . Well, heres where it gets tricky. A buddy of mine is making a documentary in the sudan, and hes asked me to be part of it. Oh, simon, thats so exciting youve alwlws wanted to do o at. Yeah, but id be embedded with an elite military unit. They want me to leave next week. I wouldnt know where i was going or how long id be gone. Oh. Well, of course, you have to say yes. Are you sure . I am. I cant ask you to wait for me. Dont get me wrong, i want you to. I just dont think itd be fair. I feel terrible. Its like its 30 years ago, and im leaving you again. Maybe we shouldnt talk about your leaving. Yes, lets remember that were british and etend that everything is normal. Yes, k kp calm and carry on. Juju how unflattering was gwyneths baththg suit . Hideousflattened her breasts and gave her back fat. Oh, yes baba, baba baba, baba baba, baba baba, baba uh, yes, i had a few questions about tonights adoption fair. Hey, heres a question. Will there be food . How late will it be going . Ah. The adoption fairs from 6 00 to 10 00. Great. Thank you. Dinner hours. Theres gonna be food, right . A guy here wts to know if theres gonna be any food. Thank you. No food. Well, a lot of nerve calling it a fair when theyre not offering some sort of meat on a stick. Try not to. Jeff it up too much tonight, please. If we get serious about adopting, well need these people to like us. If they cant like me for r o i am, then im not gonna buy one of their used babies. Just dont completely embarrass us. Ill find an appropriate level. Good. Lets finish talking about replacing this rug. I thought we finished last night when i said no and then fell asleep. Yeah, i know its shocking, but your fake cartoon snoring didnt fool me. Ititasnt fake. Was classic three stooges. And i dont want a new rug. I put a lot of time and effort into breaking in this one. Yeah, you tried that argument with all your old underwear. This rug is fine. It works. Watch. See . My feet arent tououing the wood flolo. Hey, way to go, rug. You know, you get to live in a pretty beautiful apartment because i take it upon myself to make it beautiful. Like what i did with the guest room and how i designed the kitchen, and i think a new rug will make this whole room feel a lot fresher and. [loud snoring] [imitating three stooges] memememememe. How many ways to say i love you how many ways to say that im not scared with you by my sisi there is no denying when youve got a house full of guests on the way and a cold with sinus pressure, you need fast relief. Alkaseltzer plus severe sinus congestion and cough liquid gels rush relief to your tough symptoms. To put you back in control. [doorbell] woman coming alkaseleler plus sinus. There has to be a way. Carry the centimeter, divide by 3. 14 something something something. [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad anannow the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. Is that a true story . Yeah people really do save an average of over 500 when they switch. I mean about t u inventing it. I invented the story, and isnt that what really matters . So. What else about me . Well do a little carpet shopping. Carpet shopping . What, did you get a little carried away with the waxing this morning . I wish. No god, sorry to disappoint you, russell. And me youre disappointing. You disappointing me toto aall right, carpets this afternoon and the adoption fair tonight. What happened to finding a new surrogate . You mean to replace the old one that we had and loved but thth you ruined her for us by having sex with her . Jeez, take it easy. Talk about holding a grudge. It was a week ago it was only five businessssays. She and i did some. Abusiness shoo. Mr. And mrs. Bingham. Hey, timmy. Good morning, sir. Hey, timmy, this coffee doesnt taste as good as the coffee you make at work. Fix it. Well, in order to do that, d have to bring it into the restroom. Ha thatsery funny, chutney dangerfield. Fix it. Hey, tim,, do you know anybody who can get us a quality rug at well below quality pricic . Oh, i see. So because im of indian descent, i must have a friend or relative whos a carpet merchant. Is that it . Well, do ya . Yes. Little more and. There. Oh, my god, i love this rug. Thank you. Adam, what do you think . Tell audrey thanks again. The rug looks perfect. Yeah, it really ties all your crap together. Im gonna miss it. Well, you can come over whenever you want to visit the rug. You start buying my brand of scotch, and maybe i will. He said. Hoping theyd buy him a bottle of thankyou scotch. Anyway, i am gonna go pick out some new pillows and throws to go with the rug. Is that near a liquor store . Buy me scotch. Anyways, i hope that you and jen have as much fun with this rug as audrey and i did. And. D. We had some fun. Uh, what do you mean . Whatwhat sort of fun . Sex fun. You used to have sex on this rug . Yep. Yeah, in fact, just last night ill see ya, buddy. [quietly] no. No. Whos responsible for this . I bet its voldemort. Yes, its voldemort. Excuse me, sir. Timmy. You know i dont like to be disturbed while im reading pornography. Yes. Pornography. So it wont bother you to know that professor snape kills dumbledore. Why would that both not dumbledore why uld you tell me that . Oh, i dont know, sir. Why would you pants me durinin yesterdays s aff meeting . All i know is everybody laughed but you. Actually, you also know that harry marries ginny weasley. Timmy, take off your belt and call a staff meeting. I really do wish i hathe time, sir, but i have to take the binghams carpet shopping. Oh, bore. Okay, fine, fine. Now, ive written down some Emergency Contact numbers for you. Theres my cell, the police, your masseuse. And the gentleman who waits in the lobby making everyon feel uncomfortable while your masseuse completes your massage. All right, enough with the air quotes. I dont need you around. Im not a child. Go. Of course not, sir. Ive also placed your afternoon juice box on your desk. Stop making yourself feel so important and beat it. Gladly. Ah ooh [grunts] timmy the brown one is nice, but, um. Can i see the yellow one down here . Mm. May i see the browowone again . I hate to be a polly pushalong, sir. But how much longer do you think mrs. Bingham will take to decide . Weweight die first. Youve got that whole reincarnation thing, so. Youre fine. Look, mr. Bingham, i how does that work . You know. Do you get to pick what animal you come back as . Sir, its actually a deeply personal matter, so. See, meid go bird. Or combo. Birdhorse. So i get to fly. And then when i land, did you ask your uncle about giving me the friend of timmy discount . Oh, mr. Bingham, do you consider us friends . Discount friends. I had a great time with you. Are you kidding . I would love to see you again. And by the way, you dont need to bring the massage table. Were not fooling anybody oh. Okay. Yes. All right. Ill see you soon. Bye, hon. Ah ow hey, babe. Get the hell off the rug. Its so plush and soft. Jen, jen, jen, dont. Dont what . Oh. Oh threesecond rule. No what is wrong with you . Okay. Listen. Jeff told me that he and audrey usus to do it on this ruru eew i know, right . I mean, no way were buying him any scotch oh, theyre all over me ive gotta go take a shower ahha aah [grunts] gah come on eh before i had the shooting, burning, pinsandneedles of diabetic nerve pain, these feet were the first in my family to graduate from college, raised active twin girls, and trained as a nurse. But i coulult bear my diabetic nerve pain any longer. So i talked to my doctor and he prescribed lyrica. Nerve damage from diabetes causes diabetic nerve pain. Lyrica mayayause serious alalrgic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worsening depression, or unusual changes in mood or behavior. Or swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling or blurry vision. Common side effects are dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain and swelling of hands, legs, and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drivivor use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those who have had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. Now i have less diabetic nerve pain. And i love helping little ones get off f the right foot. Ask your doctor about lyrica. Ever since we created the 4 for 4 meal weve seen your p pts. Weve read your tweets. Weve liked your likes. So were keeping 4 for 4 going. Nuggets fries and a coke, for just fcur bucks its the best way to get more for four. The yellow one. Or the brown one. Hey, what do you say you crank up this thing and fly us outta here . I certainly had that coming, from bringing you here and getting you a discount. Jeff, can you get over here and help me . We gotta make a choice and then get to the adoption fair. Well, then pick one. This should be both our decisions. Which one do you like . Well, this one feels. [laughs] wow. Its a good thing im already bent o or. Dont pick by price. Which one do you like better . I dont wanna tell you. Well, i want your opinion. Oh, fine. Here we go. Um. I like the brown one. Really . cause i like the yellow one. Then lets get the yellow one. No. Now i know you like the brown one. And there ya go. See . See . [grunting] [whistling] [whistling] all right. Thats as clean as its gonna get. Okay. Well. Lets take a look. Oh whoa ugh god, thats disgusting its like jeff and audreys marriage in liquid form. Ugh. And. And you were rolling around in it. Oh. Thanks. I forgot about that. We might have to t rid of the rug. Unless. We have sex on it. Uh. I dont know. I mean, ive done some dirty things. Yes, we did. And there was that truck stop bathroom. I dont remember that. The locker room floor. The l